Right Fighters: Are You One?

Right fighters are a problem in recovery. Are you one? Are you fighting for the right to party (yes 1990s reference millennials)? Let's find out why and what to do about them.

Transcript

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Time again for Doc Jacques, Your Addiction Lifeguard Podcast. I am Dr. Jacques Debruckert, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Jacques, Your Addiction Lifeguard, The Addiction Recovery Podcast. to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for it is intended for entertainment and informational purposes but not considered help if you actually need real help and you're in need of help please seek that out if you're in dire need of help you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them but don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help it's not it's just a It's for entertainment and information only. So let's keep it in that light, alright? Have a good time, learn something, and then get the real help that you need from a professional. Do you ever come up against what is called a right fighter? That's a person who they absolutely... have to be right about whatever it is they're talking about in the moment there's somebody who they're very difficult to deal with they're very difficult to reason with because they just have to be right and they are very frustrating and in addiction many times people are right fighters and they could be either side of the addiction right they can be the person who's the loved one or they can be the person who's the addict and they just have to be right and they're just not going to let go until they're right And that's today's topic. The right fighter. The warrior on the battlefield of correctness. Who are they? Why are they that way? And how do you deal with them in your recovery? This might be a good place to get a good, strong definition of what a right fighter is. People who are right fighters are those who they have their value or their own self-worth, their own identity is just wrapped up in their position of being correct. They are sometimes passive aggressive, but many times they're combative and confrontational, and they're ready to go to war with anything that they're talking about in that moment. And a right fighter is very difficult to deal with because they are so attached to the idea of rightness that they've been just blinded about anything other than just being right. So a right fighter is somebody, they must be right and the other person must be wrong. And so when you're dealing with them and you're trying to reason or rationalize with them or get them to see your point of view, they're not interested. And that's what makes them confrontational. The right fighters are not interested in facts or truth or reality. They're interested in being correct. And I run into this all the time. ironically, with addiction. As I said previously, on both sides, the person who is the addict or the person who is trying to get that person that they love into recovery. And right fighting is something that tends to go away unless it's part of your personality issues when you get into recovery. So somebody who is deeply into recovery, they've gone through the battles and then they kind of figure out Being a right fighter maybe isn't all that great a position to take. But before that, it's somebody who they don't normally accept right and wrong. There's only right, and their right is the right. But I don't mean somebody who's fighting for the right to party, as the Beastie Boys would put it. They're just fighting to be right. And so how do you deal with somebody who's a right fighter? Well, you've got to identify what they're doing first. So the idea that they are a right fighter, it's helpful if you understand that perhaps they are a right fighter. I have run into people who are, let's say somebody who's an addict. They want to be able to use. That's it. So many times the right fighters will pick up the battle and to be right based on the idea that they want to use, and they are only interested in one thing, and that is with you agreeing that they don't need to stop using, so they'll come up with all kinds of reasons why they need to use. In that case, the right fighter is one that is going to be inherently wrong, but their position is that they want to use. So it's driven by the fact that they really have this deep desire to use. to continue their usage. Sometimes it is coming from, for them, it's coming from a position of powerlessness, perhaps in their life. Previously, when they were younger, right fighters do come from families sometimes where there's a lot of combativeness. And I've seen that because I've seen these families come in and they look for help. And when you have a really staunch right fighter, you know, you see that person, you can kind of tell even by their body language when they come in, they're dismissive of whatever is They'll come into my office and they're seeking help with their family. And I can tell by their body posture sometimes, the expression on their face, that I'm dealing with a right fighter. And you can tell. They just come in. They're not interested in hearing what anybody else has to say. And... So when I'm dealing with that person, I don't try to zero in on it. And I won't engage with them in being right or wrong. Many times what I do is just disregard right and wrong. I'm just trying to figure out where they're at, where everybody is at. And the right fighter will quickly identify themselves. They'll establish their ground. So they're on their hill. Like, this is my hill. I'm going to fight on this hill. And Unfortunately, in those instances, dying on the hill many times is not about their dying on the hill, but it's the addict because that's a family member. Usually that's the right fighter. When somebody is in recovery or trying to work on recovery and the idea of like, I want to use and that's where I'm at. That's me as a right fighter. I want to be able to use, period. I don't care what anybody says, period. Actually, believe it or not, that's the person that I can deal with fairly well because their position of I want to use is one that you know that they're going to be slowly worn down. But if they come into my office and that means they're seeking help. Right. So that's a person who in a weird kind of. twisted, passive-aggressive way is surrendering over to you and submitting themselves to a battle that they know they're eventually going to give up. It's the person who will not come into my office. That's the right fighter that obviously I'm not going to be able to help because they're not coming into my office. And so they're not even allowing conversation around their usage. The loved ones will come in. the addict right fighter will not. So I end up trying to help the family and understand the, uh, the problems with that type of right fighting. Many times it comes across as being arrogant and which it is. Um, it's a position of arrogance. I'm right. You're wrong. And so as an addict, if you can, if you can get yourself into a place where you, even if you just like, I want to I want to engage in harm reduction. I'm not interested in not using. Or I'll stop using this drug, but I want to be able to use these other drugs because, see, they're not illegal or they're prescriptions or some other nonsense. And people in recovery, they recognize that as being like, well, you just want to get high in a different way. But the person who's the right fighter, whose position is that one that is based on... I want to use. And they take that position, but they're not willing to hold on to it. They really do know, especially if I'm talking to them. They've allowed that to occur. They know that they're going to stop. They're just afraid to or whatever. But if you come from a position of powerlessness within your family as a child, being a right fighter is almost like your protection. And it's well practiced. It's probably generationally practiced within your family. And so being a right fighter in that instance can be very tough. And it's a position that if you stop being a right fighter, that makes you very vulnerable and afraid. So you're not going to give that up. And that's why it's important to also surround yourself with people who are in the recovery community because right fighting within the recovery community is met with compassion. And, you know, you got to give it up. Now, there are some instances where there are places where there are addicts who have zero tolerance for anything other than just abstaining and recovery. So they're kind of more on the attack trying to help that person because they think that if they just do a frontal confrontation against the right fighter who says, I just want to get high, they'll eventually win that and get that person into recovery. And perhaps that does work. It's kind of like... Scared straight, if you will. A lot of the old school guys would do that. We have some here in the area where I am. Some pretty hardcore old school recovery guys who are just not going to put up with any crap. But the right fighter in that instance is probably going to just dig their heels in. The other thing is, if you're an addict and you're a right fighter and you can basically just overpower or bully people into submission Understand, and I'm talking to you addicts who do that. You're not actually beating them into submission or overpowering them. They're just not the person you're trying to, you know, you're being the right fighter. I want to use that person is not, they're just giving up on you. They're not giving up the battle. They're giving up on you because they can only take so much of that battling, which is unfortunate because as an addict and you're being a right fighter and then you win and everybody backs down, you think you have won. And in fact, you have not won. You have lost because those people now are backing away from you. They're not surrendering to your demands. They're just getting to the point where they just would rather just not witness you self-destruct. And it goes in with my saying of like, I'm not going to be part of your addiction. I'm only going to be part of your recovery. And so when you get cut off from people because they walk away, you haven't won the battle. There's no more battle. And so you get what you want, which unfortunately means you're probably going to die in the process. So the right fighters who take that approach, they don't win. They lose. So as a person who is dealing with a right fighter, Um, you, you know, here's, here's the example. So somebody is trying to get into recovery. You're an addict and you kind of want recovery and you've got these, this chief enabler that you're, uh, by your side, that person, the chief enabler, that's a right fighter. They think that whatever they're doing is the correct thing to do. I've had examples of grown adults in their 50s and 60s who have a child who is in their 30s, sometimes 40s. And that person is a crazy addict. And here comes the chief enabler. And they're a right fighter. And so they think that providing all this support, all these things for you as an addict is going to somehow teach you or show you that you need to do something different. And they will not give up that position. So that's a right fighter. And they're fighting against you. And they're actually fighting to save your addiction rather than help you get into recovery. I have a very difficult time. trying to reach those people because they are so entrenched in, I know that this person is an addict, but if I give them whatever they're looking for, money, shelter, they will eventually figure out that that person will help them get into recovery that they will see the error of their ways and you as an addict you know uh just like i knew that there was nothing that somebody giving you to and you know support your addiction is ever going to move you into recovery it didn't work with me and it's not going to work with you. So if you're listening to this podcast and you really are trying to get into recovery, you've got to understand that those chief enablers, those enablers that you lean on so much, those right fighter enablers, they're actually going to lead to your destruction. And so as tempting as it is to partner up with them, you're better off just walking away from them because they're going to help you die. So being an enabling right fighter is a problem. The idea of a right fighter that needs to be right, there's an opposite side to that, and that is that the right fighter is not fighting to be right. They're fighting to not be wrong. And that approach, like I use that approach with my clients sometimes because, you know, you... you are trying to be right but the right position that you're trying to take doesn't really work very well and i know that it's going to end up getting worse and you know it too and so you're just trying not to be wrong and i go back to those families where there was a lot of combativeness and attack and um you know like emotional or verbal abuse going on you being wrong So right fighters many times are just trying not to be wrong. And here's the issue when it comes to recovery. If you're using and you have created a lot of destruction around you, you're automatically wrong. You start from that position. So if you're a right fighter, everything you're doing is just trying to push away the idea that, hey, my addiction is causing all these problems. It's causing problems for the family, for me personally, at work, my kids, my wife, my husband, whatever. So if I actually then say, hey, you know what, I'm going to surrender to recovery and I'm going to admit that what I was doing finished the sentence, was wrong. Okay. So the right fighter now is in a very uncomfortable position. So they're at this point, they can see the destruction. They're homeless. They've lost their job. Maybe they've lost money that maybe they've ended up in jail, um, something. And I encounter them. I go, I, I meet them at jail. Like I, you know, I'll see them or I'll, I'll see them in the, in the hospital or in the rehab or the detox. I'll get them to a detox center, whatever the case is. They are wrong at that point, right? Cause you've just destroyed something in your life. So the right fighter will continue with the nonsense because they're trying not to be wrong. So if you can, if you can get into an environment where it's okay to be wrong, because really that's where your freedom is. Um, having a position that you take where it's based on, I'm not wrong. Well then what is right? I mean, if you're trying to figure out a way to get to where you can not be wrong, um, Well, anything you do that moves away from usage makes you right. But they see it as that's, see, I've destroyed all these things. And it's really funny. As an addict, you take on this idea that you've done some horrible things and it's resulted in a lot of damage and taking responsibility. So now, as I reference back to the 12 steps, if you go through step four, that's where you have to fully admit that you are whatever you are. And so now, that's why there's, I really do strongly believe, it's just kind of, I don't know if it was by design or just by experience, but there's a big gap between step four and step nine. And so I'm, you know, step four is the revealing of your character defects through that. searching moral inventory so step four this is what I am so then you go to step nine and now you're apologizing well there's five steps between because I don't you know it'd really be difficult for you to go from step four and saying I'm I'm this I'm this I'm this these are negative things and then going right to the person where you did you know some damage you have to get to a different headspace and you can't do that because you're probably still there's lingering right fighter thinking going on. And that's why that barrier of trying to find that out. Now, I've heard people complain about the fact that step four is always, you know, like the recovery is all about the negative stuff. And if all you do is point out the things that were negative in your life, you can't, it's kind of hard for you to recognize the positives. I have issues with that because I think that you can't fix things if you don't know they're wrong. So that's a position that right fighters tend to take as well, is that don't talk about negative things in their life. Well, now you're a right fighter because what you're doing is you're trying to avoid the quote-unquote wrong things that happened. And so now you're just turning a blind eye to reality. If I am a liar... And I lie about things all the time. And somebody points that out and says, hey, stop lying to me. If I'm saying stop lying, that means you're a liar. Then I've spoken those words to you. And now that's the reality. Well, that's because you're lying. All right. So stop lying. Now things get better. They can't get better until you stop lying. As well as it's very important for you to put that person in a place when they're being told they're a liar. Where telling the truth is okay. And it's recognized. And it's encouraged. And it's not mentioned that you lied all that time. Now you're truthful. You just quit saying the person's a liar. You now focus on their ability to be truthful. So... Just like the scripture said, I'm going to paraphrase it, and I'm also going to take it out of context, but if you understand the truth, the truth will set you free. All right, free. Free from what? Free from the damage, free from being wrong, free from negativity. So be truthful. And I know what that statement is really about, but I'm just saying out of context, the idea that if you speak the truth where you were a liar before, now that truth has got to be... uh, encouraged and glorified and it can be. So I have done these things and that's really what the step four or five and nine is all about. So I'm not, um, really, uh, uh, I don't believe that the idea that you only speak negativity and recovery and that's how you get there. I've heard that before. Um, Penn and Teller did a, uh, a show on their, um, I think it was on HBO, I'm not sure, but about fictitious stuff or things that are wrong. And in that show, there was somebody who was talking, they were doing one on recovery and 12-step, and somebody was criticizing the 12-step program because they were unhappy with all the negativity. And I don't think that's actually the way it is. Um, that's a person who hasn't gone through recovery. Perhaps they haven't gone through the process because when you come out on the other side, if you are a right fighter and you give up that fight and you surrender to your recovery and you openly admit what you did, it's wrong. That doesn't mean that it's all about your problems. It means that you're identifying reality. You're identifying the truth. The truth will set you free. So it's the free part that moves you towards escaping right fighting and negativity. The truth is you're actually a good person. You just did some bad things, but you're not doing them now. So that means you've turned a corner. You're a good person. You can be honest. Look, see, you told the truth. When somebody calls me and they tell me on the phone or they send me a text and they say, I've been using. See, now that's somebody who gave up the right fighting and they're being truthful. They're using. Well, that's negative. You know, you could say, well, what's wrong with you? You're working on recovery. Yeah, but see, the right fighter position is I'm not going to tell anybody. I'm just going to lie about it because they need me to be clean. And so that I'm not. So I'm a bad person. But if the person calls me or text me and says, hey, I've been using or I want to use right now. It's like, OK, let's talk about that. See, that's the truth. You're taking the position of a different place where you are wrong because you're using, and we're trying to work on recovery. However, you're a right fighter, not trying to be wrong. It's okay to be wrong as long as you are being truthful. So taking the position of truth will set you free. It can. So right fighters... are difficult to deal with. And if they are deeply entrenched in right fighting and that's where they're at, that's okay because they're right fighters. But if they're going to take that position and it's detrimental to you, you don't have to engage with them. So this person who is just adamant about what they're going to be right about, they're combative and confrontational. They're ready to fight. They're arguing. They oppose anything. Anybody who takes a position opposite of theirs, that's a right fighter. You can't win with a right fighter if they're that deeply entrenched in it. You're just not going to get anywhere. Trust me, I know, because I've been dealing with this for years and years in my practice. Again, the chief enablers, they're right fighters. You cannot reach them. And it's an exercise in frustration when you try to reach them and get them to see something other than what they believe. Adam Carolla talks about those people all the time. He says it's the person who, in his words, the person who is, yeah, yeah, yeah. You tell them something that's factually correct, and their position is, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that may be, but I know what I know. See, that's a right fighter. And yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what I know. There's nowhere to go with that. There isn't any. So sometimes it's better to just cut that person off and disengage with them and let them be their version of right, no matter how factually incorrect or inaccurate it is or how destructive it is. It's better to get out of the path of the destruction than it is to try to combat the right fighter. So in your recovery as an addict, are you a right fighter? That is one of those step four searching moral principles inventory things right and those character defects i'm a right fighter work on that don't be a right fighter if you're a right fighter and you're looking at somebody who's in an addict addictive state you're the loved one if you're a right fighter that means probably all like in all likelihood you are the enabler and you're contributing to their addiction And I don't know if people who have addiction have the presence of mind to do this, but it's a good possibility that you may be able to do this. But if you want to disengage with anybody and try to get into recovery, resist the temptation to keep using as an ally the chief enabler, right fighter, because it's going to hamstring your recovery. When I'm walking somebody through recovery, usually when they're about the six to eight, maybe nine months into their recovery, they start to recognize the people that are the enablers, and I've been able to help them recognize in those moments of clarity, in those moments where they're really trying to get into recovery, recognize that as well and to stay away from that person. And it's sad because as an addict, you want to reestablish relationships that you've damaged, but at the same time, you have to recognize that maybe it's a two-way street, right? And so the chief enablers, the right fighters who are fighting to recover get you away from people who are trying to help you, they're at fault as well for that. And so it's not a good thing to be tangled up with a right fighter. And it's just one of the things about recovery that's so frustrating. So right fighters, those who are Very combative, confrontational, ready to die on that hill that they've just run up on. And that's what a right fighter is. And danger, danger if you see them, because they're going to hamstring you in your recovery. And hey, man, I'm all about getting people help. So if you need help, I hope this has helped you understand the role of the right fighter in your life. And... hopefully gives you some tools to be able to combat that. and get away from it. Oh my gosh. Can you believe it? It's been 30 minutes already. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of Doc Shock, Your Addiction Lifeguard. I know I have enjoyed doing it. If you need help, go get it. Go to a rehab. Go to a detox center. Go to an emergency room if you really need help. Quick. But also, you need to get that long-term therapy as well. So seek out somebody who knows about trauma and addiction specifically. There's no reason for you to continue using and destroying yourself simply to save your addiction. That's crazy. So don't die in the process of trying to get help. Get the help. And if you have questions directly for me, you can reach me through messaging and on my website, wellspringmindbody.com. So until next time, this is Doc Jacques saying, see ya.