Step 5: Deflation Of The Ego

Is Step Five really the most difficult step? Deflation of the ego is a necessary step and yes it is difficult. 

Transcript

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Time again for Doc Jacques, your addiction lifeguard podcast. I am Dr. Jacques DeBruyckert, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Jacques, your addiction lifeguard, the addiction recovery podcast. Thank you for watching. podcast it's for entertainment and information only so let's keep it in that light all right have a good time learn something and then get the real help that you need from a professional in the big book step 5 is one of the steps that are challenging for most people for a variety of different reasons but mainly because as it says it is one that affects the ego and so understanding step five and the purpose of it seems kind of strange um And just so that you can understand what step five is, if you're not aware, step five admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. It is the chance for you to be able to have someone bear witness for you here in the natural so that you're speaking But in the realm of Christianity, it would be because you're admitting your wrongdoings to God, right? But you're allowing someone here on this planet to witness that. So if you looked at it from more of an understanding of purpose— It is to allow somebody to bear witness to your suffering. What they're doing is they're being a mirror for you. And as it says in the big book, all of AA's 12 steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires. They all deflate our egos. And the deflation of that ego is one that is tough for addicts because we're just wrapped up in our arrogance, our inability to... um, listen to ourselves, you know, or perhaps only the only thing you are doing is listening to just yourself. So, um, at, to read further in the, in the big book, when it comes to ego deflation, few steps are harder to take than five, but scarcely any step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one. Because as it says in the big book, he's trying to explain the intensity of the reluctance to do step five is because of that incredible amount of egocentric desire. kind of almost maniacal intensity of ego that you feel when you have addiction. You really think that you are infallible and that everything you're doing is correct. And that is brought about because of that feeling that you must, you must do something that you you know is actually the wrong thing to do it's quite interesting you know it's wrong um i know i certainly knew what i was doing was wrong but i just didn't care and some of its destructiveness i mean come on admit it you know you're just super destructive in those moments you just want to be destructive you think you're taking these action steps towards the pain that you feel that you're actually doing something about it and so god forbid someone should come along and say hey man don't do that it's destructive and it's harmful You're not going to listen to that. And that ego that you have, that ego-driven thinking is going to tell you to tell them they don't know what they're talking about. Because you want to be destructive. That's your way of dealing with it. You know, for people who don't understand like why girls in particular seem to do a lot of cutting. Boys do it too when they're younger. But people who have eating disorders a lot of times will be cutters. They cut their arms or their legs. And it seems strange. Like why would you do these deep cuts into your skin? Because it releases endorphins in your brain. and it makes you feel different. And you feel like you're doing something about this pain that you're experiencing. So the idea of there is pain and I'm feeling it and I'm gonna do something about it and my ego tells me that this is the thing to do, That's the power of the ego. Showing up at events drunk or high, not caring about what other people are thinking or saying to you about it. You're kind of getting back at them. It's the ultimate in power. So the deflation of ego, that deflation, the letting the air out of the balloon until there's nothing left, you standing in front of another person and saying the nature and extent of those defects, the the exact nature of the wrongs, the exact nature of our wrongs. And after you've gone through step four to get to that place, that is where it is intense. and challenging and difficult. People who do not have addiction do not understand the significance of something like that, especially if what you've done is spent your time trying so hard to protect your addiction by acting like a crazy person. I think when I was younger and I felt like no one was hearing me, because no one was, part of it was because I was not sharing. So the idea, I remember when I went to my first meeting, my AA meeting, I was 21 years old and I was coming in after going to court for a DUI and I was forced into it because that's what my attorney said would look good if I go to court and I show that I'm actually going. So it's not like I was a voluntary participant in this. It was forced. And I remember going and it was, you know, that was back in 1981, I think, or 82. And it was old school AA, man. The old guys were in there smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. And the chair of the meeting was an old guy. He had to be, I don't know, in his 60s. And to me, he seemed ancient. Now that I'm almost 62, I don't think that way. But it was just like he was ancient. And I remember thinking, how in the world did he get here? And he's proceeded to tell us how he got there. And I remember he was standing there saying that he was looking out in the room and he was seeing a lot of young faces, meaning people like me. And he started to tell his story a little bit and the context of it. And I remember getting just, I wasn't offended, but it was just distanced myself from it at that point because his story seemingly unrelated to mine. And I didn't realize at the time that he was telling me a story about the same behaviors that I was exhibiting he was exhibiting at his young age. And so he tells the story about how he was this and he was that and how upsetting it was to him now as an adult being an alcoholic and knowing that he can never drink again. And it made him mad that he wasn't going to be able to do that. That he had had that ability taken away from him. Because he's an alcoholic. And I remember thinking at the time, my big ego, that, yeah, that may be true. He just couldn't control it like I can. And little did I know that years later, it actually was me listening to myself speaking to me, like he was me talking to me, telling me my future. And it's now 40 years later, and I remember it like it was yesterday. Seemingly at the time, I was pretty dismissive, but it's the power of that was there. And what I had seen and what I was witnessing without knowing it was I was seeing an ego that had been deflated from its arrogance that man had fully accepted that he had become an alcoholic and he was no longer an alcoholic in in behavior he was in his soul he understood he was an alcoholic but he was no longer behaving like an alcoholic and he was there in that meeting to teach others that same that same thing so when you're dealing with a deflated ego that has become reinflated, but with positive things, not the negative things. It is a different experience. It is a different experience to witness it. It's a different experience to project that out to others. And that is what the power of step five is all about. It's about the ability to have your ego deflated. In psychology, we know that people's their arrogance, their inability to change the way that they think because they think they are right, they think they understand themselves, and they have all kinds of problems in their lives, we know that it's going to take some time working through that issue. And it's usually one that's based on their experience with trauma that has caused them to have that as a protective layer to their wrongdoings. And So we work on that with them. We teach them perhaps what they're thinking, how they're thinking, how they're behaving with others is actually not a positive thing. And it's the same in recovery, except in AA, we do it in a non-clinical setting. So your sponsor is not a clinician. They are not acting as a clinician. They can't do the same things that a clinician can. However, the thing that they can do is they can help you understand what it means to be humble. and to try to help you get to that place. Because being humble is going to allow you to go to a place of sobriety. As I have said in the past, and I will continue to say, the opposite of addiction is peace. It is not sobriety. And I've probably said this in the last, I don't know, six or seven podcasts, but I really truly believe that. I don't think that sobriety is something that is the completion of your work as a human being. Because what you're doing is you're fundamentally changing as a human when you move towards sobriety away from addiction in a very, very profound way. So the opposite of addiction is not just ending... The physical action of using, that physical dependence of using, that emotional dependence. It is, in very simple terms, how I say it is, sobriety is I don't need that and I don't want that. But there is something else that still needs to happen within you. And that is why step five is probably... I don't think that it's the single most difficult step. I think step four is, in my estimation, the single most difficult step, and that's the one that most people will walk away from their sobriety or getting clean when they get to step four, the fearless searching moral inventory of your character defects. If you can get through step four, then the actual emotional difficulty that you will experience is going through step five. where you are saying out loud to another person as your witness what those problems are. So perhaps by action, step five is the hardest, but I think gut wrenching, the level of fearlessness you must have in order to engage in that gut wrenching experience of self-evaluation through step four, I think that one is the hardest one. at least after 20 plus years of doing this work and then also looking at myself. I think that's the case. But it's step five. Step five is very hard. Now, one of the things that can prevent people from doing step five, having a difficulty in doing it or not doing it at all, is the idea that you are saying it out loud. And so what happens is the person that you're saying it to is your sponsor, the person who has walked you through step four, so they know what has been going on with you. But when you're saying it out loud, you're watching them. You're watching them react. And you're feeling that reaction when they're saying it. And so this person who has been your leader and has guided you through to that point, your recovery process in the step work, is now listening to you. Be honest. And so you can tell when you're experiencing that if they are receiving honesty or if you are continuing the arrogant nonsense that keeps you from actually getting sober. So you're receiving the reaction. You're receiving... their body language. You're receiving their facial expressions to your expression of your wrongdoings and being honest about it. And that can in itself make it very difficult for you to know if you've been able to reach that point. It can be challenging if you're trying to just not have a person, not have someone bear witness here on earth to those um, revealing the revealing of your, your stuff. But really what step five is about is about you being openly honest with yourself about what you have done. And that is another one of the difficult things to change is arrogance is you're inner voice telling you that no matter how wrong you are, you are right. You are doing the right thing. And I don't know about you, but if I'm doing the wrong thing, I actually know I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm aware of it. I'm not a sociopath. I'm not a psychopath. I am in touch with my feelings and my self-awareness is there. It doesn't mean that I don't do the wrong thing. Sometimes I do. But I know when I'm doing the wrong thing. I can tell. I can feel it. There's a part of me. And when I was drinking, when I was doing the wrong thing, I knew I was doing the wrong thing. I just didn't care. So I would actually go to the place where I said to myself, I just don't care. And that is where it's a dangerous and destructive force in your life. Many of my clients talk about the things that they do. And when they're saying them to me, I noticed that the stories will evolve and include new facts. When they retread the old story that they told me when they first started seeing me, I have a very, very good memory and I'm able to retain information for a very long time. So each person to me is sort of like a book on a bookshelf. It's unique. but it is their story. And so when they tell me the story and I'm, you know, I'm noting it in my, my therapy notes, but also I just remember and they'll tell me something. And then I noticed that when they tell me three or four or five months later, new information will be added. That's a bit more revealing about what's happening. And I don't point that out to them. I don't point out that they left out big chunks of the information that they're now giving me. I don't, I don't lead them down the path of, you know, well, you were trying to protect yourself by not disclosing fully what was going on. I just note to myself that they're doing it. And when I note that to myself, I think, ah, now the ego has started to deflate. The honesty has started to seep into their lives. And yes, because they are in month three, four, five, six, seven in their recovery. They're starting to be honest, but they're not being honest with me. They're being honest with themselves. They're being brave. They're being more fearless. And that's what you can do when you're trying to work on your recovery is to work on that fearlessness, the fearless approach to your story. Every single addict... that I have ever met has a fairly lengthy list of things that they have done that they're not proud of at a minimum or they're just outright embarrassed or ashamed of at its maximum. They all have that. And that idea of I'm ashamed of this is why they would leave it out. And every single person who's an addict has that. That's probably what got them in my door to see me. But the shame requires that you be able to do something with it. And the thing that's so important again with step five is the honesty, right? The deflation of ego so that you can understand that you don't need to protect yourself from the truth. The truth is the truth. Because you have to be able to forgive yourself, just like you have to be able to receive forgiveness for the things that you've done. And many, many times the ego is the thing that prevents that from happening because your ego will not allow you to admit, freely embrace the truth. In addition to, you can't allow yourself to understand that it was wrong. Because if you're lying to yourself saying it didn't really happen or there really wasn't that much of an impact, then there's really nowhere for you to go with forgiveness because there's nothing to forgive. Because it didn't happen. That's where you keep going with it, is it didn't happen. And so the deflation of ego is one that is about the realization and the acceptance and the embracing of the truth. And as I've said in the past and paraphrased some scripture, If you understand the truth, the truth will set you free. That truth, I am a liar. I am a cheater. I am a thief. I am physically harmful. I am verbally abusive. I am, you know, whatever it is you do. And you say, yeah, no, I am that. And you can feel it. Like you allow yourself to feel it. And you fearlessly embrace the idea that this is painful for me to think about this. Then you can begin to That process as you're moving forward to have those character defects lifted from you, prepare to have them lifted and then to continue to work to have them lifted. So by the time you get to from step five where you're honest, perhaps for the first time, you allow somebody to experience your honesty in the natural and in the supernatural. seven, eight. You made a list of the people that you did those things to. And, and for me, I like to also have people include to themselves, not just the list of people that you've harmed in step eight, but also the things that you did because you're going to have to forgive yourself. So you go step five, six, seven, eight, and nine. So it's, it's four steps later before you start actually trying to make amends. And there's a reason that it's that far from step five, because you must be able to embrace and that is caused by that deflating ego and then the reigniting of that self-worth in your recovery. So the step five admission is seemingly a small step it doesn't seem like there's a lot to it but it is one of the more difficult ones and i have unfortunately seen um well not unfortunately i guess very fortunately as a therapist i've been able to bear witness to that people admitting the things that they did, and accepting them as people and embracing them as a person, even though they've done something wrong and done something horrible. And I've heard some terrible things in my years as a therapist that people have done. But, you know, when you're trying to get into recovery and you're trying to be a better person, you have to be received when you start to make that change. If it's been stifled or rejected... then change is going to be much more difficult, if not impossible, to engage in. So having that experience of being shown that it's safe to be honest and to be open in step five and your humanity is embraced and accepted, even though you've done things... even if it's murder or torture or abuse or whatever, and the person has changed, the person who's bearing witness to that, you can see it. You can see when somebody has actually changed. Unless the person is a full-on... sociopath or psychopath they've got psychopathy you can you can sense that they really are embracing that change and that's what we look for in recovery so when you're you're in that process of recovery whether you're doing the steps or not you really need to embrace the idea that you are flawed and you've made mistakes and so that deflation of ego is something that is an important part of the process so as with all the steps you must embrace this recovery work and with fearlessness and be fearless in your attempt because you need to have your ego deflated. You can't be so arrogant. You've got to learn that arrogance is your enemy. It's one of the tools of the enemy and it's one that has a lot of strength and force behind it. So let's all do that inner recovery, please. Go through a process of revealing of your things and saying them out loud to somebody who has understanding of that. And if you're an NA or AA or SA or one of the A's, do that work with a sponsor. That's the real power of the 12-step process is the work that you do with your sponsor. Well, that's it for this episode of Doc Shock, Your Addiction Lifeguard. I hope you've enjoyed this podcast. And if you have, please leave a comment and subscribe on your listening platform. And if you've got any ideas or you want to be a guest on the podcast, please reach out to me and let me know. You can do that through my website, wellspringmindbody.com. And talk to me, Doc Shock, Your Addiction Lifeguard. And if you are in need of help, please go get it. Check into a rehab, go to a counselor, go to the emergency room, but get some help, man. It's not worth ending your life to save your addiction. Don't let the enemy win. Really, come on, man. Don't let the enemy win. So I hope you've enjoyed this podcast. And if you have, please listen again. And until next time, this is Doc Jacques saying, see ya.