Accountability And Responsibility, What's The Difference?

Accountability and responsibility are two very different things but in recovery they sometimes get confused to mean the same thing. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at DocShock, your addiction lifeguard, the addiction recovery podcast. We're going to play a little word game now, and the word game is going to be, what's the difference between these two words? Let's see what those words are. Two things that seem to be mistakenly interchangeable, which they are not, and confused or mixed use words that don't belong together because they have two completely different meanings. And those words are responsibility and accountability. And as always, it's helpful if you actually have some definitions to go by. So let's see what the definitions of those two words are. So let's start with we'll start with responsibility. What is responsibility? So I like to use as a reference point the Oxford Dictionary. It's the king of all dictionaries. It's the largest one. by physical size and it's probably the most authoritative as far as the English language. So I like to go to the Oxford Dictionary. So let's see. Responsibility. A duty to deal with or take care of someone or something so that it is your fault if something goes wrong. Responsibility for something. We are... Recruiting a sales manager with responsibility for the European market is their example. So let me read that again. And now let's move on to the definition of accountability. The fact of being responsible for your decisions or actions and expected to explain them when you are asked. So here's the thing that comes to people that are in recovery. Here's what they usually get hit with. You're not accountable. You're not being accountable for your things that you're doing. And the person then responds with... Yeah, but I did do them. And I'm telling you, I understand that. And I'm sorry I did it. It was really, it was the wrong thing to do. All right. What they're doing is they're explaining responsibility, but they're not really going over accountability. So the person who's complaining, which is usually a loved one, is upset because the person that they're upset with, the addict, is not being accountable. And the response is not addressing the problem. So let's go back to the first one. Accountability. The fact of being responsible for your decisions or actions and expected to explain them when you are asked. So accountability... is something that you answer for things, right? You're responsible for the decisions and the actions, and you're expected to explain them when you're asked. So if somebody is accountable, it's like if you are in a supervisory position, you tell somebody, I need you to do, you know, you have to do this. This is your job. You have to do this. So you need to fulfill this requirement, this task, or you have to go do this thing or talk to this person. So you're accountable, right? So you're responsible for your decisions and actions in that part of the thing that you're being asked to do. So in terms of recovery, somebody's talking to you and they're expecting you to go to meetings. You've got to go to meetings every day. I want you to go to a meeting every day. Let's take that example. So you get a sponsor and the sponsor says, all right, you have to do 90 in 90, 90 meetings in 90 days. So you're responsible for getting yourself to the meeting. And so that's the decision or the action, right? So you decide to go, okay, well, I'm going to do that. And you tell the person, I'm going to do that. Yes, I will follow your instructions. I don't want to do it, but I'm going to. And then you begrudgingly make your way to the meetings. All right, so you go to four meetings in a row and then you skip two days. And then you go to another meeting. And in that meeting, you bump into your sponsor. And your sponsor says, hey, where were you? You were supposed to be in a meeting every day. I didn't see you in the meeting these last two days. Did you go? And so expected to explain them when you are asked. So that's the person who told you to do it has that position where they're influencing your direction and recovery and they're telling you how to do it. So they just asked you the question. So you're supposed to explain when you decided not to. So you decided not to, and then you didn't go. So that's the responsibility and the action in that case. Now, why did they do that? Why did they ask you that question? Well, because they told you to go to the meetings. Why were they telling you to go to the meetings? Because this is what helps break the cycle of the arrogance that you are infested with in your addiction. So they're telling you that you need to go to the meetings immediately. And they're now going to hold you accountable because they're going to ask you to explain why you didn't show up and what your actions were. Now, if you use the definition of responsibility, a duty to deal with or take care of someone or something so that it is your fault if something goes wrong. Now, something went wrong. And the thing that went wrong was that you did not fulfill responsibility. the responsibility you had to get yourself to a meeting. And the only reason you didn't go is because you didn't want to, right? So now accountability, you're accountable for your actions. And the person that's gonna hold you accountable in this example would be your sponsor. You have a responsibility to do this and you are the one who didn't go. So now it's on you, right? You can't point your finger at somebody else and go, well, they told me that I didn't really need to or whatever. And you see, now you're not being responsible. Now, what happens in recovery is many times people will start yelling at you and say, you're not being accountable. You're not being accountable for whatever you did. So if you're confronted by somebody that said, hey, you need to go to meetings every day for the next 90 days, and you tell that to a loved one, and you say, yeah, my sponsor told me how to go to meetings every day, now you've made a commitment to it to the loved one. And so then they see you not go for two days, and then they start yelling at you because you're not accountable. The problem is that you're not accountable for those meetings to your loved one, but you are to your sponsor and to yourself. So the responsibility is the acceptance that... Listen to the wording. A duty to deal with or take care of someone or something. Deal with or take care of something. So that it is your fault if something goes wrong. Ultimate responsibility. Who's responsible for this? I am. Okay.

UNKNOWN: 7:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 7:58

So that's the honest answer, like I am. All right, so who's asking the question? Well, that person that's keeping you accountable. So your decision and action, and you have to explain it. You have to explain it to that person. They're keeping you accountable. The difficulty in recovery is that your arrogance and your pride... or whatever you want to call it, but it's arrogance, is keeping you from doing the thing that you need to do, which is to work on your recovery in a huge way. You don't want to do the things that you're being asked to do. And that's why we say in recovery, recovery is doing what other people are telling you to do, even when you don't want to do it. And that's a problem. Because i don't want to do it in other words i don't want to get sober well of course you don't want to but you need to and the only way you're going to get there is if you are being held accountable for your actions by somebody in a position of authority sponsor your your uh you know, whoever's trying to lead you down the path of recovery, right? You kind of turned yourself over to them. And so that higher, that higher power can be an authority figure in your life, somebody who you respect, but you really, you know, you're battling with your arrogance. And so you're There is a difference between responsibility and accountability, and I think it's really important that people fully understand the difference between those two because they are not interchangeable. They are not the same thing. They mean two completely different things, and it's vital in recovery that you understand that they are different and that you be able to address them. what that person's saying to you when they're upset. So you as the addict, when you're getting yelled at by your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, girlfriend, your brother, sister, mother, father, whoever, and they're upset because they've been watching you for the last five years, 10 years, 15, 20 years, whatever, acting like a goofball and so you're just out there creating all kinds of problems for everybody and you're harming yourself in the process they feel like they are in a position to be able to hold you accountable your arrogance projects that and so you start explaining responsibility by claiming responsibility for your bad actions when actually what they want is something very different when they're yelling at you so the worst thing you can do if you're an addict when somebody says you're not being accountable is not listen first like that's the first problem not listening second is starting to claim responsibility and apologizing without really having anything that can justify what you're doing. I have a client who occasionally will go out and use, and so they'll go out and drink. And this individual's closest relationship, their partner in life, gets upset about it, rightly so. because every time they do it it's just now yet another time when you've not fulfilled the responsibility of taking care of yourself right you're trying to you're destroying your relationship in the process and so you go out and get drunk and you break that pledge that you made to that person that's i'm i'm going to try to get better and that you know as an addict you don't reach out for help you don't talk to anybody you don't try to uh get the support you need through your sponsor or through your peers and so you're you're acting in a way that's just counter to what you've been saying the whole time right so responsibility is to your commitment to recovery your responsibility you may have responsibilities at home where you have to take care of of uh making money or stability or something. Maybe the bar is lower than that and it's just not creating utter chaos in your life and other people's lives. But your responsibility is to that. So you are responsible for your actions. And so you're trying to take care of yourself and you're not doing it. That's the responsibility part. They're trying to keep you accountable. In other words, they want you to explain it and they want you to explain it to them. Okay, fair enough. So in the process of recovery, the first and foremost is breaking that dependence on your... substance of choice it's hard because you drink for a reason you're uncomfortable and you don't have any other coping mechanisms or that's the one that seems to have worked before it also gets you out of time and place because you're in an altered state chemically and that feels great in the moment but it actually doesn't do anything for you other than just destroy you and eventually kill you it's not really solving any of the problems I feel for people who get caught in this cycle of they have no other answers, but I don't have a lot of empathy for people who just will not allow themselves to take on a new coping mechanism. I have many clients who self-destruct. It's the nature of addiction. They will self-destruct. What that self-destruction looks like and if they survive it intact or they survive it not whole anymore they've lost something along the way it's sad and it's frustrating being able to be accountable means that you can explain it and then being able to be responsible for that and say i will do better next time i am going to make a pledge to do something different because this is my fault and so What I have told my clients to do is to stop apologizing and explaining. When they get confronted with their bad actions, the worst thing they can do is start explaining it, because that sounds like rationalizations and excuses. And then when they say, yes, I did that, but here's the reason why, blah, blah, blah, it no longer means anything to the person you're saying it to. So... the best thing you can do is just agree with them and you should because you know what that's what responsibility is like it's my fault okay that's what they actually want to hear they want to hear yes i did that thing they don't want to hear yes i did the thing but and then i'm sorry and i won't do it again or i had to do it because of this or it's not my fault or whatever right that's the so the but part so it's no you're right i did It's amazing how disarming those words can be to somebody who's yelling at you because all they wanted you to do was be responsible. And that's it. Like, you're a piece of crap because you did this thing. You know what? You're right. I did. Now where are they going to go? Where are they going to go with that? There's nowhere left to go. You are responsible. Yes, I am. You're right. And then they may ask you, why did you do that? Now, this is where the tricky part, this is where it begins. Why did you do that? Because I'm an addict? If they're not in recovery themselves, they're not going to accept that. But that is the truth. It's because you're an addict and you're crazy. But they're not going to accept that. Why did you do that? I don't know why. Now, sometimes that's an acceptable answer. I don't know why. I don't know. Well, why didn't you come to me or why didn't you seek out help when it came, when that thought came to you? Now, this is where it gets tough when you're trying to be responsible. Why didn't you seek help? Well, you know what? That's a good question. I don't know the answer to that one, too. But you know what? I do need to do that. And I'm going to. And let me show you how. And you whip out your phone and you say, look, I'm going to put my sponsor's number here. And I'll tell you what, husband, wife, mother, father, brother, sister, whatever. You know what? Can you make sure that I do that? Like, can you tell me to? I don't mind you telling me that.

UNKNOWN: 16:53

Right?

SPEAKER_00: 16:53

Really? You want me to tell you? Yeah. And you know what? As part of the deal can be like, I need some help. Like when you see me starting to go sideways, you know, make that suggestion. Now, as an addict responsibility, you are responsible for your reaction to that input that you get. Interestingly, when I'm working with clients, I tell them, listen, I don't care what time of day or night it is. If you find yourself using call me. And many of them will do it. And I don't mind getting that call at one or two in the morning or three in the morning or two in the afternoon or whatever. And it's Saturday, it's 10 o'clock and they're drunk. I really don't mind because I know that I'm only going to have to take that call maybe twice or three times at the most in the year that that it takes them to actually get to where they understand that recovery is where they want it, that it feels better. I know that because that's my experience, my 20 plus years of doing this. I will get the call and it's going to be somebody who's just a jabbering idiot because they're drunk or high and they're not making a lot of sense. But the fact that they called me tells me that they are now starting to be responsible for their actions. Like they're in the middle of using or they are, you know, so they're high or drunk and they picked up the phone and they called me. It's like, wow, the ultimate in self-disclosure. That's amazing. They don't get attacked. I don't tell them what to do. I just talk through like, hey, where are you? What's going on? And they'll talk to me about what they're upset, they're crying, they're hysterical about they were thinking about this or that or they saw this person or that person and it set them off. And I'm like, okay. And what they hear from me is acceptance of their flaw, right? So it's like that's the accountability part. They've become accountable for their actions in my presence. I get to bear witness to it and so they're accepting responsibility and I don't tell them and sometimes you know what let me back up sometimes they do start to apologize and I stop them I'm like I don't need to hear you're sorry I just I just need to hear from you and that's that's good enough for right now and when that happens They will mention it the next time they come in to see me. They say, hey, look, man, I'm really sorry I called you. I was really in a tough spot. I said, listen, you're using and you know what? You use the thing that you thought was going to make you feel better. How do you feel now? Like, how does that make you feel now? And invariably they'll say, well, I, you know, it's feel like embarrassed or I don't. you know, I didn't like it. And like, how, how was the high? And it was, it was usually the answer is like, ah, it was not, it was bad. It wasn't that good. Oh, okay. What'd you learn from that? And then we begin that conversation. I feel like, what, what did you learn from that? And how did, how did this affect you? And what could you do next time? So I'm waiting for them to not be high or drunk when I'm having that part of the conversation. And that's the other part about being accountable is being able to explain what it is that happened. And that's, with accountability, being responsible, but then expected to explain when you were asked. This is the beginnings of recovery. Instead of hiding and being a coward and submitting to the control of addiction that's attacking you, the enemy is attacking you, man. It wants you to be a deceiver and a liar and a manipulator. So being accountable, that's a huge thing. The second call, it's usually before they're using. The first one is after they're using and they've been using. The second one is maybe before they're using or just as they're using. The third call, if I do get a third call, if it gets to that point, and I'm not talking about in a row, I mean like this is spaced out over weeks or months as they go back out and experiment a little bit more. So a few months later, I might get the third call. And that third call is usually before, but they've been thinking about it. See, now what they're doing is they are now becoming accountable and they're feeling that accountability. They're feeling that need to self-discipline. And in recovery, it's important that you understand that it's okay for you to have weakness. Man, we're all weak. We're all weak. So it's okay to have that weakness. It's what you do with that weakness that counts. Every creature on the planet has a weakness. We all do. But it's what we do when we experience something that threatens us and we're not strong enough in that moment. And we need the help. So we will use something to prop us up or balance out that. And that's what that third call usually is. It's about them reaching out going, I feel bad and I really feel like using right now. Can you talk to me? What that person in their recovery has done is learned a different technique to cope with feeling uncomfortable. And that's what I want you to be able to do. I want you to learn how to do that. And that's why you have to trust in people. You can't get into recovery by yourself. You can certainly get into an addictive cycle by yourself, but you can't get into recovery by yourself because you need accountability. And to be accountable, you have to be responsible. And that really is about that first step, right? My life has become unmanageable and I'm accepting that. And the second step is realize that I can't do this without The guidance of my higher power. Third step, turn myself over to that higher power, God as I understand him, to help bring me back to sanity. That's accountability. Accountability is not the first step. That's responsibility. That's the beginnings of it and the realization and the aha moment and waking up. But that third one is that accountability piece of it. And that's when you really begin the work, which, interestingly enough, also happens to coincide with the next step. And usually people, if they're going to jump out of recovery, they do it in step four. And that is the fearless searching moral inventory of your character defects. That's the ultimate in accountability and responsibility. So if you are out there and you're struggling with your recovery and you're trying to figure it out, listen, man, the first part, responsibility. The second part, accountability. So if somebody confronts you about your bad actions and you upsetting them and they start attacking you going, what's wrong with you? You're not accountable. You're just going out and doing whatever you want. Keep all the excess words out of your mouth and start with, you're right. I did do that. And you're right. I didn't call you or I didn't call my sponsor. I didn't call a friend. You're right. Disarm that by taking responsibility and report that to the person that's saying you're not being accountable. Well... That's it again for this episode of Doc Shock Your Addiction Lifeguard. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope you learned something from it. If you need help, please go out and get it. Go check into a rehab. Go to a detox center. Call a therapist. Find somebody who knows something about recovery and also somebody who knows something about trauma because it's not worth ending your life to save your addiction because that's what the enemy wants, man. You've got to keep the faith. Keep strong. And be fearless, always fearless. If you need help, you can always reach out to me, Doc Jacques, Dr. Jacques DeBruker at WellspringMindBody.com. And so until the next episode, this is Doc Jacques saying, see ya.