Determination Is All You Need To Get There

Will power is not what will get you into recovery, determination is the real driver. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

It's time again for Doc Shock, your addiction lifeguard podcast. I am Dr. Jacques DeBruker, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Shock, your addiction lifeguard, the addiction recovery podcast. Hey, this is a podcast. Repeated attempts of recovery. Trying to get into recovery over and over and over again. How in the world are you ever supposed to make this happen when you keep failing? Or at least you're trying, but you're not succeeding. So what do you do? Well, you just keep trying. And exactly how does that work when every single time you've made that attempt, you end up snake eyes. It's just not happening. So Today, a podcast on how do you stay motivated and keep moving forward with your recovery in spite of all your failures at recovery. When people are trying to get into recovery, Many times, and I'm going to say every time, it is a zigzaggy line towards recovery. It is not a straight line. The misconception is that if you start to work on it, surely you're going to achieve it. But the reality is you're probably not. The odds are stacked so against you on a first time recovery. There are only a few instances I've ever heard where somebody actually makes it the first time they try. And I don't mean the AA model of, hey, if you had a drink of any kind, you start over again. For me, that's not relapse. That is just an accident. You've picked something up. And that is also part of recovery. So it gets kind of confusing, at least for my clients, because they come in and they say, I had to go pick up my 24-hour chip or my 24-hour tag because I... I had a drink, a drink, or maybe even a sip. The standard of any consumption of any chemical is considered relapse is not the standard that I hold in my practice because I know that's part of recovery. However, the AANA model would dictate that. So let's just put that aside, first of all. And when we're talking about attempts, you know, that's not a failure. That's learning. Goes on for five days, six days, seven days. Well, now you got a relapse. That's a different matter. But in the case of trying to get into recovery, Recovery is I'm no longer addicted to my drug of choice. I also am not a believer in harm reduction. I think that is a fallacy. I think anybody who has gotten to the point where they are seeking help for an addiction and they really do feel that way, I think at that point you are experiencing continued dependence on that substance. And so harm reduction is a myth. I think it's just a fool's errand. of trying to just reduce the amount that you're using. At the very earliest stages of substance use disorder, that may be something that works, but that is not somebody who is emotionally or physically dependent on alcohol. binge drinking or drinking until they're getting inebriated a couple of times a year, or maybe they occasionally pick up some pot, some weed, and they're using it. But as far as harm reduction, I don't consider that part of recovery. So we're strictly speaking about the issue of trying to get into sobriety or getting clean, and you're not being successful at it, and so you have to keep trying. And how are you supposed to somehow keep trying when you keep running into these failures? And what is a failure? Failure is what I've kind of outlined in what I just said. It also can be that you are abstinent or lazy. Sober or clean long-term, you know 10 15 20 years and you go back and pick up So then you're gonna start all over again But how do you stay motivated when you're first starting this process of recovery? That's a very good question and one that is kind of difficult and complex in its answer so motivation is not about willpower and I want to also remove that from this idea of recovery. Willpower, a failure of will, means that you are a weak person and I do not believe that addicts are weak people. I think they're incredibly strong people. that do very destructive things. And in some ways, it takes a lot of strength to be destructive. So I think you can apply that strength to your recovery. So trying to find a way to become clean and sober in light of what you're using is possible with the right idea about how am I going to approach this. I would like to see people come into recovery with an understanding that It is an absolute that you're going to succeed, but it is not an absolute as to what it looks like or how you will get there, what that path to recovery looks like. It may take you many, many months, not just days or weeks, but months before you're actually ready to do it. I've had people come to me who did not want to use the residential treatment path to recovery. So they did not, for a variety of different reasons. Their age, their circumstance, whatever it is. And so they just wanted to rely on something else. Well, they came to my office thinking that if I met with them, I would give them some magical power that would enable them to no longer be using. And they are kind of sad and disappointed and upset when they realize that one hour out of seven days or one hour out of 168 hours is not enough to actually get there without anything else behind it. And so you must use your resources to get there. So how many times is it going to take when you're going to meetings or working with a sponsor or going to IOP or residential, not residential, PHP, partial hospitalization, before you get there? Well, a long time. because you're a captive audience, sort of, but you're free to move about the cabin when you're not in my office. And the cabin, unfortunately, has free access to your drug of choice. You can gain access to it in the outside world. So it takes more than one session per week with a therapist to get there. So you have to have an entire network of or a surrounding of support and help in this process. And that's part of it. So the arrogance, the fault self-esteem, the pride, the things that will drive you to not want to use those things and be super self-reliant are harmful. The other part of it is, isolation is the key to addiction. You must isolate, but you cannot isolate in your recovery. And so again, It brings me to the point where you really do need to have more than just one person that you're talking to for one hour a week. That's not going to work. So staying the path means that you're going to be working with somebody and you're going to be following what they're saying. They're telling you what to do. And you might even have multiple people telling you what to do. As long as they're not conflicting messages, the multiple people telling you what to do is a very good thing. and you must listen and you must follow. And you're going to be in a level of discomfort because of the things they're going to ask you to do. Not hide, not isolate, not separate from other people, but you are going to have to disconnect from the people that will want to bring you down. Those people that are your get high buddies. You must separate from them, but you must integrate yourself into the recovery process with other people. So break the isolation. And to do that, you must not be as arrogant and proud as you probably already are while you're a big hot mess. And that's kind of the humorous part to it is that you're a big hot mess. You just haven't really acknowledged it when you're an addict. So breaking the isolation pattern, that's one. surrounding yourself with a group of people that can help you in your recovery that's two the third one is commitment now this is where it's going to be kind of tricky to make sure that you're not seeing it as a failure of willpower when you have these accidents or when you struggle in your recovery for months while you're trying to do it so having the the ability to be determined my resolve. I'm resolved at getting this thing that I want, sobriety. And it's going to be not what I thought it was as far as how it comes about. So having the resolve, having the commitment to recovery. Commitment is different than willpower. Willpower is something internal that keeps you moving a direction, but failure is not an option. And so willpower is really based on the premise of weakness. Being determined to do it, having that determination is not the same at all. I am determined to get this no matter what it takes. And that's the difference between willpower and determination. determination tells you that you're just determined to do it. I once saw somebody who had a severe injury resulting in him being a paraplegic. He was paralyzed from the waist down. He could not walk. The only thing he had was total upper body movement. It didn't interfere with anything other than walking. So he's stuck in a wheelchair. And that's pretty much what the doctor was telling him is like, listen, you're going to be stuck in a wheelchair because you don't have any movement from your hips down. So we can't, at this point in time, make it possible for you to walk. But you will be able to get around with a wheelchair. And there are all kinds of options there. Motorized wheelchairs, sport wheelchairs, off-road wheelchairs, regular wheelchairs. But that's what he was going to be stuck with. Well, he was determined to not be stuck with just a wheelchair. He was just determined... So what he did was he just decided he was going to ignore what the doctors were saying as far as what his limitation was going to be. He was going to explore and learn what his limitation was by experience. So he was determined to figure that out. And it was a good thing that he did because it took him years, but he was able to actually start walking and then technology started catching up as well and allowed him to get access to devices that allowed him to gain that freedom of movement. even though it was assisted. So instead of a wheelchair, he actually was able to walk with the assistance of these crutch-like things. And it was painful, but he was determined. And the doctor that he had was saying, well, you can try that, but I don't want you to be disappointed when it doesn't happen. Well, all that did was just fuel his determination even further. So it took him years, but he was able to move without a wheelchair. And that was his goal. It wasn't to walk. It wasn't to run. It was to And he gained a lot. And his character was the driver for that. He was a determined guy. He was very competitive. And he was presented with a goal that seemingly was unreachable. But he was able to. I've also seen that same level of determination with some people in their recovery. They are determined to overcome this. I had a woman who I worked with who was in her 60s, I believe, and she was determined to be sober. She did not want to go to rehab, and she never did. she came to me she was seeing me once a week she was also she reluctantly walked into the rooms and by the rooms i mean 12 step and she started going to meetings and she had been to them in the past but she had not really connected with it she went to the the meetings she got a sponsor she found a peer a woman who was approximately her age who in recovery also um that's what the sponsorship thing is about. And she started listening to that woman and following her instructions. She also started to actually read about recovery and explore that. She would listen to podcasts. She would watch YouTube videos. She became immersed in the idea of recovery, even though she was still drinking. And then one day after weeks of this, she came in and announced that she had decided she was going to stop drinking. Now, she had been an alcoholic for probably 30 years at that point, maybe longer. And that was a bold statement for her to make. But she had this look about her of determination. And this is a woman who had seen tragedy in her life. So she knew what pain and loss was in her life. So she. But she had that look of determination. She had it in her eye. I could see it. I saw something when she said that to me that was very different from the way she had talked about things in the past. Now, did she stop drinking? No. She would come in. She came in probably three or four times, sheepishly look on her face and say, I had an accident. And we had used that language. So we had determined what an accident versus a relapse was because she initially was embracing the idea that any alcohol is a relapse. So she would come in and she'd say, well, I had an accident. And we would go through and we would talk about the circumstance and what had led up to it and the pressures. And, you know, she had a spouse that was an alcoholic. And so she had talked about that. And then she'd say, OK, well, I've learned from that one. And the power of alcohol, that was a huge thing. So, okay, great. And then, you know, a few weeks would go by or a month, maybe two. And she'd come in and she'd say, well, it happened again. Okay, tell me the circumstance. And each time that she did, it seemed to increase her resolve. She was just determined to not fail at something that she had failed at numerous times previously. And so it wasn't willpower. That's not willpower. Because if it was willpower, the first time she drank, she would have given up. She would have said, I failed. No, it was determination that was sparking this change in her. And so she continued on that path until finally, after a year, I'm sitting in a meeting while she's receiving her one-year chip. And You could see a transformation in her face, in her eyes, in her manner, and how she was conducting and holding herself. There was humility in the understanding that she had spent a year getting there, but determination is something that drove her the whole time. And we had talked about it during that time of, you know, what is this thing that's making you want to do it this way? And it was simply determination. I am not going to stop trying. I am not going to stop trying. and i'm not going to see failure happen if there was an accident or two so There's a need for determination. There's a need for something that will put you in that place where you can withstand little mistakes here and there. You can seek help when you need it, not be proud or arrogant and push back on that help when it's so necessary. It's determination. And that determination is much stronger than willpower. Willpower is a fleeting... non-helpful emotional response. It is weakness. Willpower is always tied to weakness. Determination is only focused at success. I am determined not to lose. I am determined to overcome this, no matter what happens to me. And much like the man who was a paraplegic and was told, you will never walk again and you will never be leave this wheelchair. I am determined to leave this wheelchair. Notice he also set his sights on the correct target. And that, too, is also the thing about recovery, is you must set your sights on the correct target in order to reach it. Most people, when they first think about recovery, they get overwhelmed because they realize there's no way that they're ever going to see... They can't see themselves in full recovery and having a life that is free and not affected by alcohol or being influenced by the need for alcohol. They can't see that. Well, they set their sights too high. I need to get through... today so that i can go through this week and not drink or not pick up my drug of choice and so determination is the thing that's the driver for that willpower is literally i was at any time anybody says you know well i don't have the willpower i always think of them sitting in a chair literally holding on to the arms of the chair with every bit of their might trying to keep themselves from standing up and running out of the room and going and picking up their drug of choice But when somebody says, I'm determined, you see a different thing in them. And it's an awakening of a strength that comes from their core. Willpower is more brain-oriented, I think. Determination is something in your soul. I am determined not to let this bring me down. So when you are thinking about this path to recovery and repeated failures that you've had in your life, you may have gone to rehab or you may have tried many times to get clean and sober, but you have not succeeded. Now, notice I didn't say failed because determination means there is no failure. There's just I'm not succeeding right now. So it's like you can't use that word. So you just keep going. trying. But when you have gone to rehab a multitude of times, you've sought out help, you've worked with multiple people, you perhaps have just not been in the right place with the right person. Maybe that's the issue. Maybe you just have not figured out the thing, the formula, or you haven't had a chance to be introduced to those words that were inspiring. I remember in my worst times when I was just ready to give up and and I was not I just couldn't continue anymore I kept thinking but that makes me lose and I don't want to lose I don't want to be a loser you know I don't want to be the person that can't succeed and then I would just keep trying and I've used that many times in my life to try to make me get to the point where I actually can succeed and and can find that I've reached the goal that I set for myself, even though it may have taken me years. And that certainly would be the case with my education. It would be the case with my family. It would be the case with me in my career. There are many things like that. And when people try to get into recovery, the averages are not there for you, honestly. Alcohol is a terrible addiction and it's going to take you out. And it has a way of taking you down. Opiate drugs, the same thing. Fentanyl probably even worse. So whether it's crystal meth, whether it's cocaine, whether it's alcohol, whether it's weed, it doesn't matter. Each thing is difficult and challenging to try to overcome. Be determined. I am not going to lose this battle. I'm just not. I refuse to lay down and let the enemy win. And you need to have a lot of people around you that feel the same way about it so that you can succeed in your recovery. And hopefully, that will get you to where you want to be. Okay, well that's this episode of Dark Shock, your addiction lifeguard. I always feel like I'm short on time on these, like I have more to say, but I hope you've gotten something out of this podcast, and if you did, please subscribe to my podcast, send me a message, give me some likes, give me some love for all the time I spend with you on Dark Shock, your addiction lifeguard. And me, Dark Shock, I'm always looking to help you, so if you need help, you can reach out to me through my website, wellspringmind So until next time, this is Doc Jacques saying, see ya.