127 - Rachael's Long Covid Recovery Story

Episode 127 of the Long Covid Podcast is a chat with Rachael Heath-Porsz about her recovery from Long Covid! We chat through her experience - the things that helped, the things that didn't and what life looks like now.

We also chat a bit about what Rachael is doing now - helping people with Long Covid to return to movement in a safe & supported way.

Rachael's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rebound.athletic/
Rachael's website: www.rebound-athletic.com

For more information about Long Covid Breathing courses & workshops, please check out LongCovidBreathing.com

(music credit - Brock Hewitt, Rule of Life)

Transcript

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Jackie Baxter
Hello, and welcome to this episode of the long COVID Podcast. I am delighted to welcome my guest this morning, Rachael, who is going to talk about recovery. So it's another recovery story. I'm super excited to dive into all of this. So a very warm welcome to the podcast.

Rachael Heath-Porsz
Thanks, Jackie. And I super appreciate you let me share my story on your podcast. It's something that actually I've wanted to do for a while, but haven't felt resilient enough to, and we can probably come on to that. 

But I know it's been it's really important for people to hear these stories. And when I was really struggling, I didn't have that. And I lost all hope. And I didn't know if people got better. So yeah. Excited to chat to you today. 

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, exactly. Well, thank you so much for being here. Can you just say a little bit about yourself and kind of what life look like before you got sick? 

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
Yeah, absolutely. So I'm an ex-athlete, I grew up playing competitive tennis. I have a corporate job. And I'm also a personal trainer. And I have an amazing wife, who's been amazing through my illness. And a little toddler who was born through my illness. 

And life before I got sick was hectic, I was in a very busy job. Work was extremely high pressure at that time. We'd just gone through IVF, both of us actually, because we wasn't sure how we were going to do it. But we both ended up going through IVF. And my wife carried fortunately. And she was seven weeks pregnant when when I got sick. 

I was also, since the start of the pandemic, I was running online, personal training in the morning for my colleagues every day, which was mental, it five days a week, then going into a 10-12 hour work day. I was training for a marathon. And I basicaly had just been stuck in a one bedroom flat through the whole, obviously, the whole pandemic, like everyone had been stuck. And I think that was really starting to take its toll on me too. And I didn't realize how much. 

I hear a lot of people talk about that their illness probably started before they got sick. I think looking back, I'm no different. So definitely, it was a bit mental. And I always lived my life like that. And in hindsight, it wasn't the most healthy thing. 

And I can give you an anecdote which shows my mentality, which is I remember when I was running my online PT sessions. And it was at the same time Joe wicks was doing his amazing thing with PE for kids and families during the lock downs. And he said, I think - I can't know how far into it he was, but he was I mean, I'm sorry but I need to take a break. I'm really tired, I would do this, whatever. 

And I was joking with my little fitness class - was like need to take a break. What's he talking about? We're still going, like five days a week. And then we're going straight into a long workday. And I'm like, No, Joe, you were the smart one. You recognize when you need to have a rest. And I didn't. 

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? Because you know, in my previous life, but I would have done exactly the same. Yeah. What is this? Don't show weakness. You can't take a day off. You got to push through, you always got to keep doing these things. You can't say no to things, all of this sort of stuff. And, you know, in hindsight, yeah, it wasn't particularly healthy. But it was for me all I'd ever known. So it wasn't like I even recognized it as being anything other than what I did. 

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
Yeah, no, absolutely. So naturally, that mentality carried on when I got sick. I didn't give the virus the respect it deserved. I continued to push through. I genuinely believed that I'd get over it very quickly. I had a relatively mild illness, you know, typical fever, a few days, etc, fatigue, and then eventually it just didn't lift. 

But it kind of lifted enough at times so that I could just try and push through work. I was in a typical boom bust cycle. At this time. I consider my illness in two phases, if I'm honest. So first phase, I was - so this is July 2021 when I got it - but I consider it like a typical boom and bust, where I would just about get through my days. It wasn't able to do any physical exercise, but I could get my work done feel pretty rubbish by the end of day. Use the weekends recover, go again. 

And then from time to time I would just completely crash and be bed bound for a bit and then kind of pick myself up and go again. And this went on for several months. I was a bit oblivious. I just kept genuinely kept thinking I'd get better. I heard about long COVID, I didn't look into it. I didn't know about all the parallels with ME and chronic fatigue. 

So I wasn't looking for answers at this point, I was just, you know, plodding along trying to get through life. And because my wife was pregnant, I just generally thought, that's not an option, I just gotta get better, and I will get better. And that's it. 

And then I was in the office one day, like five months in, and I ended hiding in the toilet at lunchtime because I was crashing, and I had no idea how I was going to get through my day. I started having a panic attack, and managed to come out the toilets, find my boss, and completely break down. Fortunately not many other people around. And she was basically like, you just need to go home and take the rest of the year off. 

And this was three months out at this point of my daughter being born. And it was the right decision. But unfortunately, at that time I contracted it again. And it kind of just went from bad to worse at this point. This is when I became completely bed bound, essentially, and housebound. And it obviously dawned on me, I wasn't going to be better for the birth of my daughter, and I just had so much anxiety around that, and shame and guilt and everything like that, that I was dealing with. 

So I think people talk about the physical symptoms, I think are quite well known. And we talk about sort of the mental toll. But I also think there's, I kind of frame it as those sort of emotional mental symptoms of it as well, of the condition. And they affect your physical side of things and the ability to recover as well, I think. But for me, that was, you know, I really struggled with sort of emotions around shame and guilt, as I've said, and, and my self worth and stuff. 

And during that time, then I did start looking for answers. Like I have, like, what is this? Like, you know, I'm now completely bed bound. Like, is this going to be my life? I didn't want to accept that. But I started going down rabbit hole after rabbit hole, came across the parallels with chronic fatigue and ME was like, Okay, well look into all that. 

And then I came across a ME specialist, which seemed like a very reputable person in that space, and who said that long COVID is essentially ME and you can't get better. And I was like, ughhh. And at the time, there was no other answers. And I'm a very trusting person. And she was the expert in her field so I believed it. 

And that spent sent me absolutely spiraling mentally, because I genuinely was like, this is it, my life, I'm never gonna get better. What's the point? And to the point where I was two months out from my daughter being born, and I was having thoughts that I was better off not here, essentially. Which is not where you want to be at that point.

Jackie Baxter  
I mean, it's brutal, isn't it? I think, you know, like you say, we don't talk that much about the mental side of it. And I think a lot of it is because people are worried about being gaslit. If they mentioned the word anxiety, they mentioned the word depression, oh, I told you, so I told you, you're just depressed. 

And so people are actually worried about saying these words, because they don't want that reaction, but actually it's dangerous, having untreated mental health stuff going on, you know, as dangerous as as untreated physical health, I think. And it's just it's not talked about enough. 

But you know, if you are facing having lost all of the things that you thought you valued, or a lot of them, then yeah, of course, you know, your mental health is going to be down the toilet, that is not surprising. You know, obviously, we need to tackle the physical side of it, but actually, the mental side of it needs dealing with as well. And I just, this is one of my soapboxes because I just feel like it is not talked about enough. And I just think it needs to be talked about more, which is why I talk about it all the time. 

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
Yeah, and that's why I want to talk about it. I totally hear what you're saying. I think there is that fear, people don't  talk about it because of that Whhaaaaat, people don't want to be labeled as they're ill because of because of their emotional not the physical. 

But I don't think you can dismiss your mental health can affect your physical health. And whilst it wasn't the cause of the condition, it definitely kept me stuck and I had to work on both the physical and the mental at the same time to recover, for sure. 

But, you know, it started before that, you know, that first phase, you know, where I was struggling mentally then was like, I felt like I'd lost my identity, like yourself I felt like my life was ripped from me. I didn't know who I was, you know, my outlet which was, you know, training and you know, strength training and running, etc. And that was such a big part of my life and my stuff that I did with my wife. 

You know, having that taken away from me, which is my source of joy and, you know, my release and just always been part of who I am since I was a young child. That was difficult because I felt like I might have to come to terms with that not being who I was again, and that's fortunately not the case, but that's kind of where I was. And then on top of that, that second infection, and then as I said that, what happened with that, when I learned about ME and the links just was brutal for me.

Jackie Baxter  
It's just, it's unthinkable, isn't it? You know, I also, you know, I'm very much into exercise, and, you know, the thought that, you know, I might not be able to do you know, I was keeping trying to do stuff. And, you know, I was always pushing those boundaries. And I think, Oh, I did a little bit, and I got away with it, right, let's do more. And then I would hit the deck, you know, and sometimes actually just walking to the postbox, which is, like 200 meters down the road. And I'd be like, actually, I can't even do this today. 

And you just sort of think like, maybe for someone who didn't enjoy exercise, you know, that wouldn't be so much of a loss. And actually, some people, you know, find that the cognitive stuff is more of a loss for them. And, you know, it's obviously different for different people, what they're wanting to get back to is different. 

But yeah, certainly for me, you know, that being able to push myself physically was just something that was so important to me. But every time I tried to do that, even on a small level, it would generally not end well. And the few times where I did and got away with it was definitely exceptions rather than the rule. Yeah, it's absolutely brutal. 

So you told me what you found that didn't help, which was that particular ME specialist. When did you start finding things that did help? And you know, what sort of things did you find, I suppose?

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
So, what I forgot to say with that, once I got sent home from work that end of 2021. I took that rest of that year off, but then I decided that I still couldn't stop work, I had a baby on the way. It's not an option. And I came across someone else talking about their recovery story and how they managed to rotate bed rests with chunks of work. And I was like, oh, okay, that sounds like a strategy I could try. It work for someone, I'll give it a go. 

So essentially, that's what I did during that period. And it just was not sustainable. You know, I literally would go to bed for an hour. So I could do half an hour of work. And I rotated that all day long, essentially. So my daughter is born February, last year, 2022, I continued to work. And then two months afterwards, I was still not getting better. 

And me and my wife just sat down and was like, look, I've got to stop. I'm not getting better. Something has to change. And we looked at the finances, and we just sort of thought - What's the worst case scenario here? The worst case scenario is I don't get better, and I don't work again. But actually, what's more, I've got to I got to give myself that chance to try. 

So yeah, that was it, we made the decision. And that was the first step, that was first catalyst. Because I was able to focus on myself,. I didn't have the capacity to do stuff that I wanted to do, like the breath work and the meditation, there's things that I want to try and get into. Because I only had it in me to do the work. And then obviously, when I wasn't doing that I wanted to be there as much as I could for my wife and daughter. 

So the next thing I did was join Suzy Bolt's program, which was amazing. I've heard about it before, but just didn't have the time and capacity to do it. So I straightaway got into that. And I remember the first session I went to, she did like a gentle movement session once a week that she also ended in kind of a community chat. And I remember just breaking down. 

It was the first time I'd met people with Long COVID. And it was a very supportive community, very positive community. And yeah, it was just, that was amazing. And then after that session, and a lovely lady called Liz reached out to me, because she could see sort of the pain that I was in. And I think she was few months ahead of me in her recovery. And we had a lovely chat. 

And she said to me, do you have you heard of the Gupta program? And I was like, No, I haven't, what is that? And she told me all about it. She was doing it and essentially brain training, NLP type programming and I was like, Oh okay. I sounds up my street like, you know, I'm very aware of sort of the mind body connection. You know, I was already wanting to focus on sort of how I could try and calm my nervous system, go down that direction, because nothing else had worked. 

I can't even remember all the stuff that I tried to be honest,  everything I bought but I was like, really interested. But I had spent so much money. I don't know how much money but I don't want to know, on supplements and medications and whatever else. So I couldn't justify this sort of face to face program. 

But then I came across an app called Curable, which was just perfect for me because it was something like $50 for the year. I liked the idea of having it in my pocket. So as soon as my symptoms come on, I could bring out and I could do a guided exercise or somatic tracking or meditation or whatever it might be. So that worked perfectly for me. And that, to me, was the biggest catalyst to my recovery. 

And I really delved into it, I went knee deep into it, doubled down on all of the principles. I think the first step was for me was learning about the basic neuroscience, which I found - I'm sure the programs do. But in the app, I found it really useful that literally like these two minute, three minute bite size, educational sort of modules, which is perfect when you've got Long Covid and you can't cope with all that cognitive stuff coming your way. And that for me, it was like, Okay, this kind of makes sense. 

And then I listened to a recovery story on their app of someone who had chronic fatigue syndrome, ME for 14 years, who talked about doing Curable for two, three weeks, and for the first time in years, walked in the woods at the back of the house, like two weeks later. And I was like, okay, and it was this concept of it being a conditioned response. 

And I was like, this kind of makes sense to me. You know, I don't think I've got the virus anymore. I'm not in that acute phase, have I somehow conditioned myself to think that I need to be in bed most of the day? What if I didn't do that? So I created the hypotheses, and I decided that I was not going to go to bed, no matter how rubbish I felt, and I felt horrendous. I was not going to go lie down. 

And it was really hard. Every day, it got ever so slightly a little bit easier. Until two or three weeks later, I didn't routinely need to go to bed. And I was like, right. That's all the evidence I need that this stuff could work. And then yeah, I doubled down. And it took me about a year of persistence. And you know, it's not like an overnight thing. And obviously, these these symptoms are extremely intense. But you know, through practice and dedication, I kind of - those symptoms just very slowly dampened down the intensity over the next year. 

And yeah, it's not linear, and it was all the fluctuations within that. But those periods, you know, the periods between symptoms started to just gradually get longer. And then whenever I was, you know, having a bit more of a dip, I would really dive into some of this stuff again, and that always get me out of it. So that was two big catalysts there. That's probably the last one, even the biggest, biggest one, but it was kind of a sequential thing, I think. 

And then anything else that kind of where my environment changed really helped me. In that period, we moved out to the countryside. And it was literally like my body just breathed. I could feel it like sort of breathing a sigh of relief when this happened, having been sort of holed up in my flat for, I don't know, what, two, three years. So that was amazing. 

When I couldn't leave my flat for most of the time. But when I did, I ended up having to get like a taxi to get some green space because I couldn't walk there myself, where I used to run there, obviously. But now I could just walk out my door and I'm very fortunate that just got, you know, lovely countryside on my doorstep. And that for sure was a big part of my recovery, I think as well. 

And then cold water on top of that. I tried it when I was six months in, when I was at my worst. And it was awful. I thought I understood the concept behind it as an athlete, I used to do it all the time for recovery. So I thought maybe this this will work. And it did the opposite. At that time. It's kind of my body just could cope with it. It just sent it into shock. It made my fatigue worse. 

But over a year later, I felt like my body had been given the space it needed to recover. Things had kind of just slowly starting to settle down. I felt it would be more resilient. And I thought I'll try it again. And it was game changing as well for me at that point.

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, it's interesting, because I'm sort of listening to what you're saying. And I'm thinking, it was almost like, when you stopped working, it was like you finally allowed yourself to actually just be ill. 

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
Yeah. 

Jackie Baxter  
And I had a sort of similar thing where I was sort of trying to work. And at the time, it was because I thought I had to, I didn't see an option to not work. And then when I wasn't, it was like, Gosh, why didn't I do this a year and a half ago? Like why was I pushing through and doing this? You know, now I actually have the space and the time to actually allow myself to be sick, allow myself to rest. But actually give myself the space and the time to look into what might be able to help. 

Because you know, I think I was just pushing through because I didn't know any other option. But actually, in hindsight, I was getting worse. I now understand what was going on with my body, and my nervous system was obviously just going - what is you know, arghhh, you know! 

There's so many things that people find that help and, you know, in my mind, it's sort of doesn't matter so long as it's helping, but there's definitely a lot of resistance to trying certain things. It's almost like people have to be so desperate that they'll try anything. And then a lot of people say, oh, gosh, oh, I'm surprised this thing actually helped. 

And I sort of think, well, if people are saying that it's helping, then there's got to be something in it. And you know, the same things aren't necessarily going to work for everybody. You know, my cold water was amazing. I also didn't try it early on, it was a bit later on in my recovery when I started that, so I don't know how I would have reacted. But it was absolutely instrumental for me. But you know, it doesn't work for everybody. You know, some people don't like the idea of that. 

I always pick on acupuncture, because it just doesn't appeal to me at all. But some people have found that incredibly helpful, 

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
I tried that, too. *laughs*

Jackie Baxter  
But yeah, you know, I just think, you know, people find their own way through and you found your route through and that worked. And, you know, I think people can learn and listen to that, even if it's not exactly the same route that they take.

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
Yeah, I hope so. Yeah, I think you've articulated that really well, actually, I think. It's important everyone's on their own journey. And I think it's important that these stories get out there, because then people can, they might think, oh, that kind of resonates, that little bit there resonates with me, I will give it a go. 

And I think when I was at my worse, as I mentioned, I'd lost all hope. And I didn't know anyone. I guess it's a bit early on. These stories weren't coming out then. I had no idea how people are getting better, what has worked, what hasn't worked. 

And the fact of the matter is, is that unfortunately, and we don't see it in the media, we know because obviously we're part of the community, but you know, there are millions of people that are still suffering around the world are not better. So I think, you know, the more we can share, and the more that hopefully someone might pick up, and actually, I'm gonna try that little bit there. 

Because your body knows how to heal. That's what I learned. Your body knows how to heal, it's an amazing machine. And you've just got to create the environment to let it do that. And that's really difficult when you're in that phase where nothing is touching  the sides, you're trying all these different things. 

But for me, it was the stopping work, it was focus on the mind body, it just gave my body a chance to have some space, quieten down a little bit. So that other stuff, you can see what's having the impact or not, and or, like stuff I tried before, it did have an impact, but it actually would if it was at the right time.

Jackie Baxter  
I mean, just kind of speaking to what you just said, you know, that first thing that we find is so key. Because I mean, again, my own experience, I was, you know, trying to do too much, I was trying to work I was you know, everything was wrong, I had all the symptoms, everything was terrible, and I didn't know what to do. 

And then I found the first thing and for me that was breathing. And you know, that just allowed me to see a little bit of improvement. So I was able to go, Okay, this has actually helped, you know, it hasn't cured everything, I'm not better. It's not done the whole shebang. But it has noticeably helped. 

And I was able to go, okay, there is something that's helped, I can now see the wood for the trees a little bit, I can now go searching for something else that might help a bit more. 

So it's almost like, you know, proving to yourself that things can improve a bit. And if they can improve a bit, then why shouldn't they be able to improve a bit more. So it's the kind of, you know, the hope thing and the sort of literally demonstrating to yourself, and you know, that first thing is different for different people. But for me, it was breathing.

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
I was literally just about so say the same thing about the hope bit, because I'd always say to people like - and it's happened to me - like there was some kind of shift change. My hope came back and I then started to believe. And I would always come back to this, when I you know, like I said it's not linear. So when I had those fluctuations and I was struggling a bit throughout the next year, I'd still come back to that - if you can recover this much, then full recovery has to be possible. 

So yeah, I think that's key for people to understand, especially if they're on that recovery path. Or not even quite there yet. If you can just get that first bit. You'll get your hope back, I think. 

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah definitely. And I agree, I think that's so key to have that hope. And when we're in the big pit of doom, that it's very, very easy to be in because everything is awful. It's very hard to have any hope. And that just makes everything even worse. 

So let's talk about recovery. How did you know that you were fully recovered? And what did that final sort of step over the line - what did that look like for you?

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
It's a big question this I think, because I don't think it's black and white. And coming back, I think to my opening statement, and why I've only felt resilient enough to talk about it now. I think it's a number of things. 

I think one, fear is super sticky. And even when you want to believe you're recovered, and you, for all intents and purposes you are recovered because you're able to engage in life again. But you still might have some residual symptoms, or you still not feel like you're firing all cylinders like you used to. So there's this niggling monkey on your back. That is fear. 

I think that because of your experience with those horrendous highs and lows throughout your illness when you think you're getting better. Oh, no, just kidding. You're not. I think there's that. And I think that's kind of why, one of the reasons why I've been probably taken a little while to sort of share my story, because I don't want to jinx it. 

But I don't know if I can pinpoint an exact date. So I started that Curable stuff last August. So it's taken. I would say, it took a good year for me to get to the point where I can make plans without having to cancel them, confidently, and things like that. And think about start going back to work and things. 

So I'm a big festival goer, I try to go to Glastonbury every year, because it's the best one, and obviously I hadn't been able to go for a few years, too unwell. Could have gone, I had tickets but couldn't go. I was like, right, I'm going this year, and I didn't, I'd still you know, this year, I didn't know if I'd be able to do it. 

But anyway, come June. And I was like, No, I'm good. I'm gonna go. And it was during Elton John's last song, Rocket Man, on the Sunday night and I was on a friend's shoulders. And I just had a bit of a moment. And I'm like, look I'm here. And I'm not particularly woohoo, or anything like that. But I just sat on the friend's shoulders, and I was like, This is amazing. Look at where I am. 

And the first time ever in my life, I told myself that I was proud of myself for beating it. And I'm gonna get emotional talking about it. I'm not gonna get emotional. But I just was like, I just said to myself, you've done it, it's done now, move on. 

So that was kind of like a bit of a line drawn. But I'd say a dotted line. Because yes, I can say I was engaged in life, I was at a festival I was you know, hanging out with friends, I was having the odd drink. So in all intents purposes, it looked like I was leading a normal life. 

But under the surface I still had daily symptoms. It just didn't stop me doing stuff. But it just festering a little bit, you know, they weren't as intense, you know, not so much the fatigue and the PEM, none of none of that. But I call it my immune system catching up. 

And I also have a toddler. So she brings everything home from nursery, but every bug, I just feel like I was ill all the time still. And I was you know, most of the time, and it will just take you longer to get over a bug than my wife, for example. And this kind of stuff like that. And some mild headaches, still, and a bit of a sort of burning skin. But so much more dampened down to the point it doesn't stop me engaging with life. 

And then as time has moved on, over the last few months, I just again, I just got less and less and less and most days, you know, if I haven't got a bug from nursery, or norovirus that we had last week, you know, I feel better than ever. And because I've created like I know a lot of people have, this kind of toolbox of amazing habits, but you kind of dip into and you understand so much more about your body and, and how to make yourself feel better. And optimize yourself. 

So to answer your question. That's a really long winded answer. I don't know what the exact date was, there was that line that I kind of drew in the sand. But I think it continued, I think it will, it does continue a bit, even when you say you're recovered. And that's part of the the mind body stuff, too. 

I wanted to try and stop saying the word long COVID. It's so all consuming, as everyone knows in this illness. Mentally so consuming, I think that keeps us stuck too. And that inhibits - through no fault of our own, of course, it's consuming, but that can inhibit your recovery. And I knew that. I knew that to help myself sort of leave it in the past, I need to not talk about it, I need to sort of forget about it, try and move on. 

And I didn't want to think about it for a long time because it was that consuming. And that's another reason why it's taken a long time to talk about it because actually, I don't want to bring it to the forefront. But I'm now at the point where it's like, I don't feel any risk. I know that I'm not gonna flare up. I'm really confident in that. And so I don't feel stressed about talking about anymore. 

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah that's amazing. And I think you're sort of seeing things in quite a similar way to me where, you're recovered from long COVID. But that doesn't mean that everything in life is 100% perfect. You know, and certainly that's how I felt. I thought well, you know, I'm recovered. I'm not sick anymore. I feel so much better than I did before. I'm so much healthier. 

But I'm also so much more aware of health. So I'm thinking well, yeah, great, there are still things that actually I would like to work on. So you know, I still need to work less, I still have higher levels of anxiety than maybe I would like. So that's something that I can continue to work on. And I think that's something that for me certainly, was there before I got sick in the first place. But I just, you know, tried to pretend it wasn't. 

So it's kind of like, you know, going forward and wanting to be more better. That's terrible, terrible English. The work continues, kind of thing.

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
Yeah, I think it's true though, isn't it, like when you you do become so much more grateful for the health that you have? And I joked earlier about having a drink. I definitely don't really drink anymore. And I think it's because when you felt so rubbish for so long, it's like, okay, I don't even want the slightest feeling of, you know, a hangover or tiredness or whatever. 

And I know that's not realistic. Like you, everyone, you have a bad night's sleep regardless, and, you know, it's never gonna be perfect. But actually, if you can optimize your life, so that you can be feeling as good as you can. As much time as you can. And I think that's kind of where where I'm at

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, it comes back to what can we do it, doesn't it? You know, I think, certainly for me, if I was living a perfect life and never eating cookies, I'd be miserable. But that doesn't mean that I should eat cookies all the time, as a really stupid example. 

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
No, no totally *laughs*. You've got to have some joys. 

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, exactly. You know, that's one of the things again, that I've kind of realized, you know, as well as you know, wanting to be as healthy and resilient as possible. And actually, I'm much more healthy and much more resilient than I was before. 

It's also, as you say, that much more grateful for my health, and much more kind of aware of the things that I want to do. So, you know, actually, I enjoy the work that I'm doing, but I don't want it to take over my life, because I want to also be enjoying the non-work stuff. And, you know, before that's not really something that I would have thought about, let alone done.

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
Yeah, definitely. And having had a daughter arrived during my illness, I think it definitely gives you even more perspective, it has for me. Like, people would say to me, I must be really hard being ill and having a newborn. And to be honest, like, I'm sure both of those things in isolation are hard, but like, I didn't know any different. 

And she certainly was a blessing in disguise, and helped me get through it really, gave me something to be here for. And I think, yeah, that perspective on what's important in life and spending time with your loved ones laughing and being present. And it's taught me all those lessons. 

And I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't. I know a lot of people say this, when they come out the other side that they wouldn't change their experience, because of all the good stuff that's come out of it. And I could list off so many good things that have come out of this. 

But yeah, that talking about joy and being playful. And like, that's definitely something, I've definitely found my inner child again, like, and she's probably helped too, but just like, one of the first bit of activity that I did beyond increasing my walking was going to the park and jumping on the swings with her. And like, I could feel my stomach go and like, you know, like, it was just amazing, but the last time I did that was when I was 10. 

Like, and that, for me was actual exercise at the time, you know, pushing against the floor with my legs and I could feel them aching, but it was bringing me so much joy and it didn't have any fear in it at all. 

And that's something I tell clients is that the first thing to do, and before they maybe think about resuming any kind of strength training or things that you want to get back to is just kind of actually look for activities that bring you joy, that bring you play. Because those feelings are generally stronger than the feeling of fear, that they can overcome it. 

And if you can teach your brain that movement is safe in other ways, and you can build up some kind of exercise tolerance in other ways than what you would traditionally call exercise. I think that's a really good first step for anyone looking to get back to your active as part of their recovery. And I don't think you need to be recovered to think about being active again. I think it can be part of your recovery, in the right way, at the right time. 

But that certainly, like for me like I remember I was still pretty unwell. I was on the recovery but I was really unwell and walking was always a trigger for me. I mean one of my lowest moments, I was living in the flat in London, was like I have to get out. I just have to get out of this flat. So I'm gonna go walk around the block. And then I got stuck. 

Like a five minute walk around the block and I got stuck halfway and I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna get home. And eventually just kind of somehow dragged myself home through invisible quicksand. 

But earlier this year, I was like, Well, what if I change what walking looks like to me, and as crazy as it sounds, Oh, I'm gonna put my daughter on my back. And it's sometimes it can be a same activity done before that's triggered your symptoms. But if you make it different, if you change it, make it more joyful somehow or just different. Actually, maybe it doesn't have the same association. 

And it didn't. And I would start walking around the village with her on my back and absolutely no issues. So I think that's just something to think about if people are looking to think about how they can build more movement back into their life. 

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, that's really interesting. I mean, I talk a lot about calling it movement rather than exercise. Because I think exercise does have a lot of kind of connotations. Certainly, if it was somebody who was active before, then exercise is all high intensity. And so I think that word certainly for me, the word was not helpful. And movement was much more, it could be anything. 

And of course, you know, for some people, on some days, it's, you know, literally kind of moving your arms in bed. And then, you know, as you go on, it can be bits of walking, bits of whatever. So I think that's a much better word. But I like your kind of, like, different side to that. So it's not just movement, not just exercise, it's actually kind of adding in that kind of playful, joyful kind of thing. I think that's such a cool thing. Because it's kind of turning the tables on it a bit, isn't it? 

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
Yeah. People talk about dancing, you know, being silly. Like, I've heard a lot people talk about dancing, and actually even I remember when I was on Suzy Bolt's program, that was something people were doing back then. And that to you, like, I remember putting drum and bass on with my daughter and pick her up, and would just be bopping around the living room. 

And like, I was really ill at this point. But it didn't make my symptoms worse when I did engage with joy. And I think if you can find ways to move with joy, and if you can't think of anything, and if you can find something new that you've never done before, I think that's a good option too. Because you don't have that association with your illness.

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, so maybe to finish, I would love to know, what advice you might kind of give to yourself earlier on in your recovery. What would you have wanted yourself to know?

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
I would stop work straightaway. Yeah, in hindsight, I should never have continued from the day I got sick until I was ready to go back. So you know, I'm going to say the statement, but I don't necessarily completely agree. But I saw it somewhere, like, lazy people don't get long COVID. And I get where they're coming from. And I think that's a quite a sweeping statement. But there is this seemingly sort of common, you know, theme around this perfectionism and pushing through, etc. 

And this seems to be, you know, the people that you wouldn't expect to get sick, you know, they're really fit people, the active people. So I think stopping would be the advice that I would have for myself, and let go my ego, for sure. 

This is a really hard one. Actually, and I don't think you can control your emotions, as easily. But I would have, in hindsight, tried not to respond with so much anxiety to my condition. Not so much the first time around. But certainly the second time around when the birth of my daughter was approaching and I really became very anxious because of that, and thinking I wasn't gonna be ready. And I think that definitely didn't help. 

I cannot blame myself for that, because of the situation, like I don't think most people would. But, you know, I don't have a crystal ball. But I also like to think that because of this experience, because of what I've learned about myself that if anything like this happened again, that hopefully I would respond a little bit differently. 

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, I think everyone's perspective on looking back on their illness is different. You know, some people do say that they're grateful for their illness, some people are glad it happened. I definitely don't think I would go down that route. Although I am able to look back and say, Well, I learned a lot. And you know, there are some silver linings to take from it, is probably more my perspective on that. 

But I think definitely that I've come out of it stronger than I went in, and I'm more resilient, and Life is stressful, and things happen. And it could be anything, you know, any stressful event that comes along. So like you were saying, I like to think that hopefully, if something does happen again, whatever it is, that I will be better able to handle it. But I will also kind of understand a bit more about what's going on and not try to push through in the same way as maybe I did this time round. Because that definitely didn't help for me. 

So you kind of segue-ing on from that - tell us about what it is that you're doing now?

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
So coming back to that point in my recovery where there was that noticeable shift change. And for the first time that I believed that I would make a recovery, I started to think about, okay, well, when I'm recovered, I'm not gonna be able to jump back into the level of exercise and training that I was doing. I know my body, you know, I know it's gonna be succeptible to injury, I know I'm gonna pick up niggles if I try and do anything like that. 

So I need to design myself a reconditioning program, 12 week reconditioning program for when I was ready. And I was, you know, I didn't do it for another year, by the way, but it kind of kept me interested in something and it was, you know, something I could do on my own time. And when I had the energy to do it, on my own terms. It took me two months to write, it should only take a couple of days, but that's kind of all I could cope with at the time. 

And then a little while down the line, I still wasn't able to do it myself, but maybe I'll see if anyone wants to do it for me and try it out. So a couple of lovely ladies that were further along in their recovery, said, Yeah, I'd love to give this a go. 

And essentially, it's not an off the shelf program, it's you know, it's not cookie cutter, I've designed it, you know, very specifically for a de-trained body. For any de-trained body really, it doesn't matter. You know, the long covid is kind of where the sort of the coaching support comes in, in terms of what I offer, around dealing with fear around exercise is a big one. 

But also just a lot of other emotions, like how you, you people come in having lost a lot of confidence in their abilities, and not believing that they're going to be athletic again, which I didn't. And come to redefine a lot of stuff. And so I helped navigate on that. 

But on the program side, it's very much designed to avoid injury, avoid further setbacks, which no one really wants if they've been through this. So yeah, so those ladies did it and loved it. And I thought, well, let's see if I can try and make this available more widely. 

So that's how my business Rebound Athletic was born. It's an online fitness company. And I offer a group coaching program, essentially, with this program at sort of the heart of it. And I'd say about 50% of my clients are long COVID. And they've not necessarily fully recovered when they started it. But they're at a point where they realize that they're not experiencing PEM, they're ready for the right program to sort of gradually build back in. 

So that's where I'm at. I'm also back at to my main job at the same time. So busy, but it's been good. And I've managed Yeah, I've been I've sort of just finished my phase return, actually. And I've got a 21 month old, running around, chatting, and just brilliant, you know, making us laugh every day. So life's was really good. I'd say life is better on the other side. And I found my purpose, I think bit more from a business and I just live life with so much more gratitude and presence. 

Jackie Baxter  
Yeah, I love what you're saying, I think you know, this is the similar angle I'm going for with my breathing courses. And it's, you know, working with someone who gets it is important, you know, you're not going to push someone into doing too much because you understand what happens when you do that. In the same way that you know breathing exercises, you know, you can't be doing anything too hardcore when someone's got a dysfunctional nervous system. So you know, I think that is important to be working with somebody who has that knowledge and understanding. And you know, you do. 

Well, thank you so much for joining me today. It has been wonderful speaking to you and really awesome hearing about your recovery and also what you're doing going forward. So yeah, I will drop all those links into the show notes if anyone's interested. So do follow that up. And yeah, thank you so much. 

Rachael Heath-Porsz  
Oh, thanks, Jackie. It's been an absolute pleasure. I've enjoyed chatting

Transcribed by https://otter.ai