Hanna:

Hey hey here we are episode 49 and I am so excited because I have a short little episode for you today with a great big message …and I may get a little feisty. But at the end I have a really fun offer for you to take advantage of if you want! So stay tuned for that. You’re going to love it. 

But firstly let’s talk about not wanting ot rock the boat. I don’t want to rock the boat. I don’t know if this is a saying that is known everywhere I know I have some listeners in Australia, Mexico, Europe, South America, so I am jsut thinking maybe this isn’t a common expression in other parts of the world so I don’t want to rock the boat usually means, I don’t want to upset anyone, I’m going to just go along with whatever other people want to do, I am worried that something will be messed up if I speak up, I don’t want to rock the boat. 

Don’t disturb a stable situation. Be easygoing. Don’t capsize a vessel by moving around a bunch.

So where have you done this? Maybe in conversation with someone, something you want to communicate or say to somebody that you think or feel and you are like well I can’t express that because I don’t want to rock the boat. Or maybe you don’t participate or show up somewhere because you think your mere presence might rock the boat. I rememember going to apply for a job as a teacher maybe 12 years ago and I had just started growing my dreads. And I thought to myself like I can’t be a teacher with dreads. So I wore a hat, like a fancy kinda winter hat to my interview. To cover my hair. The interview went great and they hired me on the spot and I remember leaving the interview and being like well I’m going to have to go out and buy a bunch of hats and I’ll just have to wear a hat every day at work. And I was like thank god I wore that hat. I thought that not showing that part of myself was the reason I got the job. I was like okay good I downplayed my appearance so I could get this job and now I got it. And here’s the thing..they didnt care one bit about my hair style there…but I know there are job opportunities where you can’t have hair like mine or tattoos or peicings or whatever…but I never gave myself the chance to explore my worth AS MYSELF. If they would have seen my hair and said no sorry you can’t work here, that STILL wouldn’t have meant anything about me and my worth. It only means something about the other person. So when we do things to try to hide ourselves or play small we are lying not just to the people that aren’t into teachers with dreads, but to all the people who are. And then we must keep up the charade forever which if anyone has tried this, it ends up becoming really rocky for you. 

I don’t want to rock the boat implies that there are people, circumstances that are better off without you and your uniqueness messing them up. This thought plays into the false belief that we can make things worse. That your truth can sully something that was perfect before you came along. And that’s just not true. 

The whole truth, your whole truth, who you are, is perfect and it is always a valid and beautiful addition to anything that already exists. 

So if you’re thinking I just don’t want to rock the boat, and you’re holding yourself back from something that truly feels important to you, lemme tell you with alot of compassion and totally relating to this thought: Girl you are on the fuckng titanic already if that’s where you want to keep your head at. If you think not rocking the boat is how to live your life, you’re sinking yourself. 

And what a travesty. 

I notice how often this happens with women in relationships. I was just talking to someone yesterdy, brilliantly intelligent and amazing woman and she was talking about this guy she was dating and he had said something to her that she didn’t understand what he meant, and they hadn’t spoken in a few days and she was like well I really don’t understand what he meant by this, I don’t know if maybe he doesn’t want to be with me anymore or if he just needs more space or if that was just random in the moment and everythings fine and I’m just overthinnking this. And I said well can you just ask him? And she was like I really wish we could communicate about this but I don’t want to like mess anything up. So I’m just going to wait for him to say something and then if he seems fine I’ll let it go. 

And I was like ok but you’re not fine. You have specific questions. You have things you want to say. You can communicate. But you’re going to stay quiet because you don’t want to rock the boat? Hate to break it to ya but this boat is already taking on water. 

And she said I don’t want him to think I’m being too agressive. 

And I said sure you know I get that, you’re trying to control what he thinks so that he always thinks amazing things about you but he’s going to have thoughts about who you are and how you are regardless, but you know, he’s not going to have a chance to think ANYTHING about who you actually are if you never show him. And what a bummer it would be if you continued a relationship with this man as a watered down version of yourself.  

Rock the fucking boat. Stand up, move around. Be in the dynamic truth of yourself. 

People think that this expression means I want to be kind or a nice person. I am being nice and that’s a good thing. Sitting here quietly going along shows that I am nice. And we’re taught that niceness is really high value. Right and so I’m not saying being kind is not good! Be kind. But let’s be honest about when this thought seeps into our lives, it’s not really exibiting kindness. When I think don’t rock the boat, I feel worried, I feel sheepish, I feel nervous, shame, fear…and those feelings don’t show up as kindness. Being kind is not the same thing as deserting yourself. Being a nice person is not the same thing as lying about who and how you are to appease other people. 

I’ve gotten fired up on the show about this before I know but it’s worth saying as many times as necessary to really understand and believe that we don’t have to be a watered down version of ourselves to be loved or to be enough or be accepted. 

I know your aspiration in life isn’t to just do what you’re told, it isn’t to just go along and sit idly. This is like the core of thought work here, like where thoughts come from, not from you, most of them, they are adaptations of something someone else thinks or thought somewhere along the line, so learning to think for ourselves is not easy because literally almost everything is just a version of someone else’s thought. So it’s hard. I get that it’s hard, but we can start here when we notice that I don’t want to rock the boat, I don’t want to upset anyone, I don’t want to mess up, all of that thinking is keeping you from original thought. It’s keeping you from eploring your own original thought.  

Watering yourself down, or hiding or tiptoeing around to try not to upset anyone…that’s not a  lesson that was necessarily taught to cis hetero neurotypical white males and I see proof every single day. But the rest of us, we got that memo. To be smaller. To keep things steady at all costs. Not “be kind”...but rather, be less visible. Be out of the way of the things that are better, smarter, stronger, more enough than you. 

And I think instead of being upset that men generally don’t follow this unwritten rule about being humble and and hiding and trying to be considerate and quote professional and polite and likeable…I hope the rest of us can say fuck it more and stop llistening to a memo that was written by someone who most certainly is not our boss. 

I want to hear and see fuck it more. 

I want to see you rocking the fucking boat more. 

Right like, I want my mom to gasp at some of the shit I say on this show. She probably does so that’s great! I want to talk loudly and boldly about my wins and my fails and share what I know and what I learned and what I feel and think, candidly and as myself. I want to call the shots and say what’s aligned and right for me. I want all that stuff and sometimes I still find myseld thinking don’t do that it’s not appropriate. Don’t rock the boat. 

And I think we can all commit to recognizing where we’re still living up to this memo to stay small just in our day to day, the memo that says aspire to the norm, aspire, but do so within these limitations…right? There are those little ass things we do, the ways we operate, that we don't even realize have anything to do with this but they do.

Like when someone holds the door for us and we say sorry as we walk through, like we’re sorry for existing and taking up space? Or when someone says what do you want to do and we say I don’t care whatever you think, and just reinforce the belief that our desires are few, unimportant and unknown to even ourselves. Like when someone asks what’s new and we immediately start talking about the accomplishments of someone ELSE that we know, do you do this,  instead of owning being the main character in our own lives someone’s like whats up whats new and I do this all the time I immediately launch into like oh my sister got a new job that she loves and she’s going on this cool backpacking trip and oh yeah let me talk about my parents and this girl I follow on social media who is so awesome, like where am I? What’s new for me? I dunno. I am just going with the flow trying not to rock the boat or talk about myself too much becuase that’s not appropriate to center myself. Someone might be put off if I talk about me and what I love and what I desire and what I accomplish. 

Someoe might be put off by me if I speak my mind. Ask a question. Wear this outfit. Post on social too much. Set a boundary. Say NO when yes is a lie but saying no will rock someone’s boat. Honk your horn when someone is sitting at a green light. I literally yelled at Michael the other dasy for doing that. Someone was stopped at a green light and we came up behind them and michael honked and the guy started driving. And I was like why are you honking!? And michael was like ummm bc the light was green and that person wasn’t paying attention so I told them with my horn to go. And I was like omg I would NEVER use my horn. I never honk. I was told thats not ladylike. That’s rude. That’s for people with road rage. Or is it just another way that I let myself believe that I am wrong and someone else is right? I don’t have the right to let someone else know that they can go on green. MAybe a weird example but I was thinking about that the other day like holy shit I would never honk becuase that’s not nice. Who says that’s not nice? The guy who michael honked at waved and was like oh shit thanks. Right…my partner did not get the memo about playing small and not speaking up, right? Haha. 

So like where are the little ways this happens for you, for you to see where you’re like someone might be upset or put off by me here. When I tell my hairdresser what I want and she says I think you might look amazing with bangs and you are like oh ok, instead of like hell no woman I am so not into that idea. 

Like SO SO SO many ways this shows up and we aren’t realizing we’re just playing into the power differential between ourselves and other. What if there is no power differential between you and any other human? Ugh that’s a hard one for us to wrap our brains around. Your brain right now is like well what about police officers, what about the president what about my teacher, my coach. Those people are better, smarter, higher up, than me…And here’s the thing. Of course I am not saying go smack a cop and say that was my truth neener neener you’re just another human and I’m just as powerful as you. That’s not what I’m talking about. I am talking about seeing that all of those peoeple are humans too and no human person is better or more worthy than any other human person. No human person knows YOU better than you. And no human person ever will, but you can help them by showing them all of you. Instead of just the parts that feel most likely to be acceptable. 

Knowing that will help to alleviate the need to please and be non confrontational with your you-ness. Like the you-ness that wants to dye their hair purple or ask their husband for more emotional connection or wants to share with their family that they don’t identify as a woman, or to send your food back at a restaraunt if it’s not what you ordered and you were really really exstatic about the bolenese but they brought you alfredo and do it with truth and love. Truth and kindless. Those coexist. Shame and kindness, victimhood and kindness, those are harder to muster together. 

So be true and be kind. Rocking the boat can be fun, exhilirating even, and it’s not as traumatic as your brain makes it sound in your head. Say fuck it. Rock the boat.  

Ok so speking of rocking the boat…who has stopped themselves from communicating with someone because they are nercous or worried about causing a fight or things not going how you want? I have! Have you ever thought that if you just knew HOW to communicate effectively then you’d be able to say what you think and get what you want? OK, you ready? I created a Communication Course for my clients which lives forever inside the Client Portal in the super secret password protected area of my website. I create content for my clients there and am constantly adding to that library of workbooks and videos for my clients to use how they like. 

But I decided that this month I’m going to share this class with anyone who wants to learn more about how to communicate their needs and wants and feelings and all the stuff that goes on inside our brains that we tell ourselves we’re going to discuss with our partners, friends, family, co workers, kids…and then we don’t. Or we try and it seems to always end badly. I’m opening up this course to anyone who is not a client of mine for $20. 

You can get it right now, the link is up now to purchase at hannakokovai.com/comunication. You will get a link via email that will have 2 videos for you to download and you can have them forever. In those videos, which total about 70 minutes,  I share my protocol for great communication with you. I share how you can create your own really simple protocol for communication no matter who you want to talk to about what. It is jsut $20 and it will definitaly change the way you think about communicting, it will help you get into action actually speaking up in a way that feels authentic so you cna feel heard, understood and create an outcome you wany. I’ve been playing with a few titles for this course becuase inside the client portal it’s just called Communication 101 and 102, and those vidoes live inside the How to Have Better Relationships Module, but I’ve been referring to this two part series as How to Communicate like a NonBitchy Boss. Also how to get what you wantm how to stop silencing yourself, how to get better outcomes from communication for yourself and everyone, how to say stuff that actually lands, and it’s going to be the best $20 bucks you’ll spend in a while. Super no brainer, get yourself over to the website hannakokovai.com/communication you have to type that into your search bar because just going to my website homepage you wont find it there. If you are on instagram it’s linked in my bio. If you’re on my mailing list you will have the link coming to you in a few of my emails this month too. 

I am so excited for all the badass .kind and true, communication that is goingn to transpire from this course, so go check that out if you’re interested in leveling up your communication skillz. 

Talk to you soon.