The Samantha Parker Show

How I Survived a Near-Relapse with Alcohol at a Pool Party - Sobriety Journey

• Samantha Parker • Season 1 • Episode 47

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Choosing sobriety every damn day isn’t always easy, and sometimes it takes a humbling moment to stay locked in. I’m sharing the story of my “suddenly moment” sitting in front of a Maverick gas station, fighting the urge to buy drinks, and realizing how close I came to throwing away nine months of sobriety.

I talk about how my brain spiraled, what tools I reached for, and how I got myself back on track by leaning into my support system, attending meetings, and surrendering to the process. It wasn’t perfect, but it reminded me why I choose sobriety every single day.

This isn’t about one big decision, it’s about the small, daily choices we make to stay strong. Some days are easy, and some catch you off guard. I’m sharing how I recommitted to my sobriety, why surrendering isn’t about giving up, and the daily practices that help me stay grounded when things get tough.

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 Today's topic really is about choosing sobriety every damn day. Every damn day. I have a feeling it's not going away anytime soon and I needed that experience to humble myself and make sure that I was locked in to not drinking. I never want to have to go back and pick up a 24 hour chip.

  

Hey guys, welcome back to the Samantha Parker Show. I feel like it's been a hot minute since I did a solo episode, so I'm like, let's Fill you all in on sobriety. I hit my nine months sober. I ran my race in Vegas. I did it sick AF.

Just another proof, if you need one, that  sobriety is awesome. But it's also not everything is rainbows and sunshine.

I would also say that I have spent the last couple of weeks since I ran in Vegas having the complete realization that I am an alcoholic. Surprise! I don't know if I was gaslighting myself for like a month or so, but I was like, Am I really an alcoholic? Am I really? Really? Is that me? Because I went to Vegas.

I was having like a pink cloud moment where I didn't really care the alcohol was there. I was surrounded by amazing people.  My friend Jen, who edits this podcast, she came, she was there and it was really incredible. It was kind of magical except for, you know, having bronchitis. That's fine. We'll just put that in its own little box.

It was really a magical moment. And I left Vegas thinking like, Oh my gosh, alcohol doesn't even bother me anymore. And then God humbled me and reminded me, yes, Samantha, you are an alcoholic.

 So the weekend following Vegas. I had been sick all week, too, you guys. I was in a low vibe space. I was not in, like, my super high vibe.

I was not doing all the things that I tell everyone to do when it comes to sobriety.  I wasn't, okay? I just wasn't. I wasn't being   📍 the best alcoholic. I  wasn't following all the tools in my little alcohol tool belt or my   📍  📍 giant alcoholic backpack.  And I just didn't feel good. I didn't feel good.  And a moment caught me off guard. 

This is how it went down. Okay. Maybe let me tell you the whole story. So I was over at my family's house  for, you know, friends and family was   📍 hanging out at the pool. It was like so warm and sunny.  I had a swimsuit on. And all of a sudden, I was like,   📍 I have to leave.  And I've heard this called the suddenly moments in AA.

Like suddenly you find yourself with a drink in hand. I didn't end up with a drink in my hand, but I came pretty damn close. And I think it was, you know, the weather. I think it was everyone else was drinking and having fun. And something just hit me like, I can't be here. So, I did what I do. I did, I did take one of my little tool belts.

You know,   📍 took out the screwdriver  or the wrench. I don't know which one we want it to be. And I was like, I'll go for a drive. Usually that does pretty good. I'm like, I'm gonna drive down to the Maverick, which is an insanely   📍 popular gas station. Here in Utah. They're like freaking everywhere.  I'm  like I will drive down to the Maverick and I'll just I'll get myself a  water because for some reason I didn't bring   📍 my hydro jug with me and So I was  raw dogging it which   📍 do not ever do that. 

Do not ever as a sober person Show up to a   📍 big pool party without   📍 your own drinks.  There was a lot of steps here I missed I always tell you guys have a drink in hand pack your own drinks.  Da  da da da da. If it gets   📍 overwhelming  go  for a drive At least I was going for a drive. Okay  So I go for a drive,   📍 find myself sitting in front of Maverick, and I was like,  I'm gonna go in, this was   📍 my suddenly moment,  suddenly I'm sitting in front of Maverick, and I'm like, I'm gonna go in and I'm gonna buy three   📍  📍 TRULY'S

trulies are like a sparkling  alcoholic beverage, okay?  Here in Utah they cannot sell liquor in the liquor stores, but they can sell beer So I just always think of it's like the girl version of beer, right? I'm like, I'm gonna go in and I'm gonna buy three. I don't even like truly's to be honest That was never my drink of choice, but I was like, I'm gonna go in.

I'm gonna drink three I'm gonna just drink them right here in the car I'm going to throw them away at the gas pump, and then I'm going to go back. That's how I can handle going back. And   📍 I know what my brain was doing.  My brain was coming up with a solution for a situation that   📍 didn't  feel safe.  Because I wasn't calm at all.

I was like full panic.   Like I can't be here.  Like everything was crumbling.  My brain was spiraling out of control and so I think that's the solution that my alcoholic brain had come up with was like, Hey, this will keep you safe. This is great. You will go get those drinks and you'll go back. And I sat outside of Maverick for a good 45 minutes.

It's funny because everyone's  like, call me,   📍 call me.  And I'm like, so   📍 I had actually called people and I'm like, nobody is answering their phone.  It's like a beautiful Saturday night. You know, I think it's like 6 p. m. on a Saturday night. The sun is out. The weather is amazing. That spring weather is hitting.

And I know, I'm like, you never expect people, like, to always pick up the phone. But I'm like, nobody picks up the phone, oh my god, what am I gonna do?  And I'm like, I don't know. Like, finally I convinced myself, like, to get out of the car and go in, and I'm like, I'm not taking my ID in. And, you know, the likelihood of them IDing me was small, but that was, like, my solution.

So I went in, I bought a couple waters, and I left. And I was like, I'm just gonna go back. I'm gonna go back to the pool.   📍 I could not go back.  There was like no way I was going back. There was no way I was gonna stay and go back. So it's so funny. So I know I'm gonna get my stuff and leave, okay? And I was gonna have a quick chat with my husband and just tell him to Uber home.

So I have that quick chat with my husband. It turns out I arrived just as they were   📍 singing Happy Birthday. No one notices  when you leave, you guys. Like never feel bad about leaving. Like seriously, like   📍 nobody had even noticed that I had left.   My sister had asked my husband, my sister, my sister notices everything.

She had just quietly said to him, Hey, where did Sam go? And he goes, I don't know, but I'm assuming   📍 she needed a break.  And that was all that was ever said. It was like very quiet side conversation. So I get back there singing happy birthday and   📍 I just quietly grabbed my bags and I left. But I was in full blown, like spiral mode. 

I don't know what you would call it. And I knew I needed to do something. So I had looked up like AA meetings that night. So I went to an   📍 eight o'clock AA meeting.  And by that time I had talked to my sponsor and she's like, I'll meet you there. I'm going. So I met her there, went to   📍 an AA meeting.   And then again, Sunday morning I went back to an   📍 AA meeting,  Monday I went to   📍 an AA meeting,  and I got myself back on track.

And I can see where I had failed myself. I don't know if it was failure either, I think sometimes we just need to be humbled and needed to be   📍 reminded. But I have spent  probably, like, the week and a half ish since then, two weeks I guess,  being like, oh my god, I am an   📍 alcoholic. My whole  podcast, my social media, I talk about it non stop, and it's not like I didn't know.

I think I just needed that moment. To prove it to myself, like I don't really know you guys,  but it really really helped me see  Where I could do a lot better every single day and   📍 like armoring up putting on my  sobriety jacket zipping it up and Making sure that I have at least   📍 prepared myself So with that,  let's crack open a diet coke and I'm gonna tell you guys  how awesome sobriety is 

 I really wish I could say this episode was sponsored by Diet Coke. Wouldn't that be rad? I actually own   📍 Coca Cola stock. Side note.  My dad said that you should always buy stock in the things you love. And so years ago he bought me Coca Cola stock kind of funny, but here she is.  I should probably buy some more.

Oh no, actually I did. And one of my, like I have an investment app I use and I actually do have Coca Cola stock that I've been buying in there cause it's been, it's really going well. Okay. But anyways, this is not a financial advice podcast. Don't ever listen to me for financial advice.

 Today's topic really is about   📍 choosing sobriety every damn day.  Every damn day. I have a feeling it's not going away anytime soon and I needed that pool experience to humble myself and make sure that I was locked in to not drinking. I never want to have to go back and pick up a   📍 24 hour chip. 

That is like something I do not want to happen. I just got my nine month chip and I absolutely want it to stay that way.

 So you guys, when I woke up today,   📍 my alarm went off at 5.   We just did that daylight savings time thing, and 5 is kind of feeling like 4, but my alarm went off at 5. I have committed to   📍 being at the gym by 6, which gives me  an extra hour in the morning, because normally I was getting there at 7.

But when that alarm went off, The very first thought in my head was like, God, I am committed   📍 today to not drinking.  And I really just said like a little prayer. And I think these are the things we have to do every single day to ensure that we have done everything that we can.

To not drink. You know, I don't want to drink. I really, really don't like deep down in my soul. I know that alcohol is not the best for me. I know that alcohol   📍 destroys pieces of your life.  I, you know, see people that I love who are still kind of struggling in that pattern. And I'm like, Oh, if you gave it a shot, you would see how different life could be, but that's, that's up to them.

I that's another tool I have in   📍 my tool belt. How  many times are we going to say tool belt? Take a sip of   📍 Diet Coke every time I say it. Okay.   And by the end of this podcast, you'll just really have to pee.  You won't be throwing up in the bushes. And that's the realization about sobriety is like, it's not a one and done thing.

 It's a choice that we make   📍 every single day.  Some days really, really easy. Some days my alcoholic brain flies through. It is like you are amazing and some days. Out of nowhere, it wants to take me down.

I think this episode and this conversation matters so much because no matter where you're at in your sobriety journey, maybe you're deep into it.   📍 Maybe you're just new down the road. 

Or maybe you're still sitting on the fence, you know, kind of leaning over,   📍 being sober, curious.  You really are in the right place. It's not always easy. It's not always fun. And if you're going through something, I don't want you to think that you're crazy.

This is completely normal. This suddenly moments, these things that happen, they are completely normal.

Sobriety really is  like   📍 surrendering and surrendering  to the process of it and surrendering to a greater power and being like, Hey, I don't think I can do this all by myself. I need some help. Which, you know, it's March and  If you go to AA, I don't think you have to go to AA to be sober. I just want to like put that out there.

I think I talk about that enough on my podcast that you guys know. It's a personal choice that I made and it's worked really well for me.

But in AA, they follow the 12 steps and each step correlates with something different, obviously. Right. And step three is really about surrendering our will.

So today I am going to dive into step three. If you're not an AA, I still think it'll apply to you. And I do, I know it's really, really hard, but   📍 sometimes you just have to surrender.  Like I had to in that suddenly moment where I was like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's happening. I don't know where I'm going to go from here, but I surrendered and I went to a meeting and I let, you know, kind of   📍 God take over from there.

And please note too, as you  listen to this podcast, I am very comfortable using the term God. You can insert whatever   📍 higher power  floats your boat.



I used to think that sobriety was really just about putting down the drink, but I have realized that sobriety is about choosing in every single day.

It's really about choosing to deal with life   📍 instead of numbing life.  But I have to keep it real. Some mornings I do not wake up feeling like a sober baddie. Some mornings I want to be drunk me. I'm like, yes, it would be easier to choose into drinking. Yes. It would be easier to go back to what feels comfortable, but I know it is not worth it I have to constantly remind myself why I'm here and why I started.

So really you guys, when you're choosing in every single day, think about it. Like what is   📍 your why? Why are you here? Why are you not drinking?  And chase that with like ridiculous passion and ridiculous resolve 

where no one else or no outside situation can really step in and block that flow.

Okay, so step three, I'm going to read it so I don't screw it up. But step three is we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. When I first heard this, I really was like, hold on, pause. What does that even mean? And I wish I could sit here and tell you like what exactly it  means,  but that's something you really have to   📍 discover for yourself. 

And that's what I love about sobriety is there's no like blanket you can put on it where you're like here, just, you know, get under this blanket where everything will be cozy and everything will be fine. You really have to discover like what feels good to you and what feels comfortable to you.

What I really have learned that it's not like about giving up the control. It's about giving up the illusion that I was personally in control because   📍 I absolutely was not. 

So really my process was more about surrendering and just trusting that it was all going to work out. I can remember when I was working through step three, it was summertime and they have it big on the wall at AA and I was like,   📍 surrender, surrender. Like, what does that mean?  And I was like, I have no idea.

Honestly. I was like, I know that I can't go back to drinking. I know my only way is forward. And so I'm going to half ass surrender or do the best job I can. I'm just going to let go and like, see what happens.

 What I learned from,  working through step three and that summertime, I can remember I was still so deep in the shame then too, was that the more I let go of control, like little by little, that control would like slip away and I would see like how great life was working out for me.

And the really great thing about working the steps and applying them, even if you guys just take little nuggets from this and you're like, I will never go to AA, I will never work the steps. Like you're still getting little nuggets here for, that could be really good takeaways that you could apply to your life because I was applying that   📍 letting go and surrendering  thing to so many areas, not just the one like hyper fixated area of alcohol.

I started realizing like, why do I need to control?  What my family members do, or why do I need to control business decisions so tightly? Like, why am I so like this? And the more I would let go, I could see how life was really happening, like for me and not to me. And that is such a   📍 beautiful gift in sobriety. 

 So there's a point that you can get to in sobriety where you really start to live it versus overcomplicate it.

 So   📍 this is a fun little exercise that  I think you guys can take and apply to your morning routines. Having a   📍  📍  📍 morning routine  as an alcoholic is so important. Like I said, when I was going through my suddenly moment, suddenly was in front of Maverick and I've had this realization, you are a blazing   📍 alcoholic,  Samantha.

  I realized through all of that, that I need to get back on track and  get way more serious with what I do. So a great little practice that you guys could implement, and I'm going to be implementing this a lot more as well. It's just in the morning asking like,   📍 what can I surrender to? What can I hand over to God? 

I've got like a business situation right now that is really like a little stressful and it's going to take a couple of weeks to get it all worked out and move through. That's life. You know, you guys might have like a   📍 couple of crazy weeks. Weeks at work,  and then you might die down if you're a tax accountant right now, like you're really, really busy, but you know, eventually there's another side and it's going to die down.

I really had to implement that this morning when I woke up. I was like, Oh, how am I going to make it through this? And I was like,   📍 I'm just going to give it to God.  I'm just going to surrender a little tiny bit and I'm just going to let it go. That's actually surrendering a lot for me,  but I'm just gonna surrender.

I'm gonna let it go. And that's something you can put into your practice as an alcoholic. It's  just   📍 letting  some things go.

 And on the other side of that too, you really have to trust the process. You don't want to like white knuckle all of it and be like, but I let go. And then you're like, just kidding. Come back. You just have to trust the process. I know that shitty things happen, and a lot of times when I look at those, I'm like, Oh, that wasn't what I wanted to happen.

And when you're going through it,   📍 it sucks too. You're like,  why is this happening? This is so shitty. But it's like, you know, when you get onto the other side of it, you're like,  Oh, oh, oh, I can see things.  And not having alcohol there to numb it out. I'm not numbing out those experiences, and I'm not like, continuously pulling back and going the wrong direction.

I'm like, oh my gosh, I made it through the shitty rock patch, and I'm like, oh, look at that, like, that's exactly where I was supposed to go, even though it wasn't super fun, it wasn't as smooth, I couldn't numb, I couldn't dissociate, I couldn't go through the guilt and shame cycle and be hung over, I had to just keep moving forward.

  One of the best ways to really like reinforce all of this as well is to turn around and   📍 help others who are struggling.  That's why I get on my podcast and I share, that's why I get on Tik TOK and I share because I'm like, Hey, let me share about my suddenly moment because God, dude,   📍 when you're going through it, it feels flipping crazy. 

And if I didn't have. The   📍 community of other alcoholics where I could like share,  I went through this moment and they were like, I've been through that too. Like I don't even know what I would do. I would feel like I had completely failed myself. I could see myself easily falling   📍 back into that trap. 

And I know when I'm focused on kind of helping others, sharing the journey, sharing the struggle, it really helps me stay out of that mental spiral as well. So I hope that's some tips for you guys that you can apply along your alcohol journey. I was gonna say your alcoholic journey. I don't know if I like that, but yeah, that's what journey I'm on.

I guess I signed up for the club somewhere before I came to earth.    📍 It's hard to not drink, but it's also harder to be a drunk.  Remember that, you guys. Okay,   📍  📍  📍 my sober besties, if you're looking for more sober support, head over to Sam's Sober Stack. We have it linked up in the show notes. And yeah, you can read all about my sobriety journeys.

Grab my 30 day sober journal and connect with others in my cool little community on Substack. Do you guys love Substack? I'm loving Substack.  And I know a lot of people are like coming over to Substack, so it might be something you guys want to check out. All right.   📍