Confidently Divorced with Gina Conover

Episode 019

 In this episode, I'm talking with Gina Conover, a North Carolina based coach, helping women to be confidently divorced with a 12 week coaching programme, which teaches the skills people need to confidently rebuild their lives after divorce.

We talk about:

• Gina's Journey
• The grief of divorce
• Daily changes
• Society and our belief's
• Surviving to Thriving
• Rebuilding trust
• Adjustment to a new life
• Designing life after divorce
• Stepping into Confidence
• Gina's coaching programme

Connect with Gina:

Website: Gina Conover Coaching - Empower, Single Mom, Life Coach



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Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Welcome to the everyday determinator podcast with your host, Okafor founder of the determinator collective we want to help you get off that hamster wheel of life and turn you into an everyday the Terminator by sharing stories for Americans who have overcome varying challenges in life and careers and by reviewing and signposting you to helpful resources to start you on the journey to achieving your goals. For more information on the determinator collective, please visit www dot Anne okafor.co. UK thanks for listening determinator.

Anne Okafor: 0:50

Hello, and welcome to everyday determinator podcast. In this episode, I'm talking with Gina can over a New York based coaches helping women to be confidently divorced with a 12 week coaching programme, which teaches the skills people need to confidently rebuild their lives after divorce. Hi, Gina. It's great to have you with us. Right.

Gina Conover: 1:11

It's so great to be here.

Anne Okafor: 1:12

It's great to have you. So just to start off, would you like to introduce yourself and your story a little bit and tell our listeners let them meet Gina?

Gina Conover: 1:21

Yeah, so I am a single mom of three I've been divorced for, I think about six and a half years now. I can't believe how much time has gone by but I was married for 10 years, I have a 10 year old and twins that are eight. So I thought that I was gonna you know, be married forever. I married my my sweetheart and life is going was going well. I wouldn't say it was going great. But I'm still buying pretty blindsided by my divorce. It wasn't the path that I thought I was going to take. But it happened. And it was very devastating. I had so much of my sense of identity and who I was and my sense of just what I thought my life should look like, wrapped up into being a wife and a stay at home mom, and just all of that was so tied into my marriage that when it fell apart, it was very life shattering. I was very stuck after my divorce of trying to figure out who I was and how to rebuild my sense of self after going through that. And thankfully, I found some amazing resources and tools and did a lot of healing work and rebuilt my life after my divorce into the beautiful, abundant thriving life that I live today. And I've moved across the country with my kids, I started over and I have from kind of the ashes of the life I once lived. I've created this beautiful life I live now where I get to take the tools that I've learned and the healing journey that I went on and help other women learn how to confidently heal from divorce rebuild trust in themselves reclaim their inner knowing their inner self trust their inner confidence and live life on their own terms in the life that they want to live after divorce. So that's what I do now.

Anne Okafor: 3:05

Incredible. I mean, it's an incredible journey as well, you know, from that sort of be married and having this sort of life built up. And I guess you know, when you're married to someone, you have hopes and dreams and you have feelings about how that's going to progress and how you feel it should have progressed, maybe. And then when that comes into question. And when there's a situation of divorce, I guess I mean, I think you talk about a feeling of grief and the loss of what was or what could have been. And I think that's something that I hear a lot. It's not something I directly have experience of divorce, but my parents have divorced and, you know, child from that situation as well, you know, you understand that there's, it's a big change, it really is a big change. Yeah,

Gina Conover: 3:51

is it really the loss and the death is the life that you thought you were going to live, you know, the person is still alive that you know, it's this weird place to be in where you thought that's what your future was going to look like. And it's suddenly in a very abruptly isn't like that such a drastic ending to how you thought you were going to live the rest of your life and the person so live, you're still alive and suddenly you're left picking up the pieces you have to rebuild your life. And everyone's still like going about as like normal and yet everything is different, everything looks different, your life trajectory is different. And it's just a very odd place to be in where life moves forward but it's also completely different than anything you would have thought you would be doing so it definitely creates a lot of grief. Like you said it's it is very painful and very sad and it it feels like a loss of very similar to like when you lose a loved one with a loved one passes away. And you feel the grief of missing out on the future and the life that you think you should have had or you wish have had. And so holding space and allow yourself to grieve, what you wanted, what you thought you would have is so important to the healing journey and to being able to rebuild something new, is you have to take time to really feel that loss and to grieve that loss because it is a real, very real loss that you're experiencing.

Anne Okafor: 5:20

Yeah, I mean, I can imagine I mean, Alex, it's not something I have direct experience. Also, I, you know, I'm putting myself in your shoes, but I it's readjustment of everything that you know, and you you said, you know, obviously, everyone else is going about their day to day doing the normal things. But your, your day to day has absolutely changed. It's not just the trajectory of your life, it's the day to day as well, that changes surely,

Gina Conover: 5:45

yeah, everything has changed, especially when you go from being in like a marriage, a partnership, where you have a teammate to help you with everything. And I had three very young kids, my twins were two in my I had a four year old at the time of my divorce. And suddenly, it was just me and them. And just the logistics of going to be a single parent is huge. And the weight of that can feel so overwhelming. So there's just so many things that you have to adjust to when you go through a divorce, that it's so easy for women to feel so overwhelmed and consumed and struggle to feel like they can handle this new transition that they're going through that they it's so common and so have so much compassion for that place where they get stuck in that survival mode, where it just feels like they're just trying to barely keep their head above water, because there's just so much that they have to take on all at once that it just it can feel overwhelming.

Anne Okafor: 6:37

I think there's a lot of different attitudes around divorce and how it's seen as well that you have to take on board. You know what, and I guess that's different depending on where you are, and you know, maybe religious thoughts and things as well. But there is still a lot of that, you know, I hear women, I see women talking about it. And then they talk about this feeling of, you know, guilt that has broken down failure and the feelings of failure and how, you know, we're supposed to be wives and mothers. And you know, it's supposed to be that the family that society kind of tells us we need to be then there's feelings around that. And, you know, trying to protest that feelings, especially as well, if you've got children, you need to take into account and process their feelings or help them to understand this new set up as well. It's got to be incredibly complex sort of time for, you know, almost every feeling under the sun, I can imagine, you know,

Gina Conover: 7:29

yeah, there's so many different feelings, so many emotions that come up with divorce. Like you said, that belief that like, my family is broken now or like, my family should be together. And now suddenly, like my family unit is broken because of divorce, or I should be a good mom and stay with stay for my kids. There's all of these beliefs that we hold about what a good family should be. And when the divorce happens, we have all of this added shame or guilt or blame that we hold on as well as we're trying to navigate everything else. And I love to just hold space for that with my clients and let them know that those beliefs that we hold aren't necessarily true. Like families really do come in all different shapes and sizes. Some families look like a mother and a father living together with their kids. Some are just a mom and the kids, some live with their grandparents. Like we really do get to decide what our family looks like families aren't broken because of divorce, they really get to be what we create for them. And being able to kind of take off the shame and the stigma about divorce equals a broken family. It can be so healing, just being able to hold space for that, because they already have so much to heal from and work through when we're going through divorce, we don't need to add on that extra level of shame of like, I broke my family as well, because I got divorce. Divorce is just something that it just happens sometimes for very needed reasons divorce sometimes is necessary to create a healthier family unit. I know in my case, divorce was hard and painful. But it was absolutely the best decision for me and my kids to leave that situation. And I know that's true for so many situations. And sometimes it's because of abuse or neglect or simply because people grow apart. And I think it's so important that we change the conversation that divorce is automatically a bad thing. It doesn't need to be a bad thing people can grow and heal and create a healthy family unit out of divorce as well.

Anne Okafor: 9:30

Absolutely, I agree and I certainly agree that we should be having that conversation about it being a positive thing and in some situations and actually, you know, freeing people you know, he said people are stuck in situations that are are damaging physically, mentally, emotionally through abuse or neglect or any other situations that happen or even just growing apart. I mean that can be emotionally mentally physically draining on you. And it will impact children I'm sure as well and Making that decision, or even if the decision is a forced one, in some instances, that decision to be free, and you know, it can be a really positive thing for what comes next. And, you know, obviously your story is testament to that you're out the other side, you're you've learned from the heel, it's it's hard work. Yes, it's, it's painful. But you've got something at the other side, which is much more enlightening. And obviously, you're living a better life, though, than what you were through those times?

Gina Conover: 10:31

Yes, absolutely. And I think that, when we're stuck in like that, like survival place, when we're going through a divorce, and it feels like it's the end, we just need to be able to hold space for the possibility that there is a beautiful, brighter future on the other side, which can be really hard to do. Because when we're in the midst of the pain in the struggle, it can feel like it's very nice. And it really, it really can be an opportunity to create something new and something better and suddenly more life giving, if we allow it if we are open to the possibility of that being a healing journey for us. So I just think that there's so much, there's so much beauty in this life available to us, if we are open to inviting it and creating it, for ourselves and for our loved ones.

Anne Okafor: 11:16

And I think that's a really great message to our listeners that, you know, if you're in a time of struggle, whether it be in a divorce situation, or any other situation of a struggle, that there is, you know, wonderful opportunities and things that can come after that if you allow space for those things to come to you. But it does take healing, it does take time to work through these things and to work through your emotions. But there can be great things to come after the struggle. So I know in your instance, Sam, I guess you work through your your healing, and you're the type of struggle working through your emotions and things. But what I want to understand is how do you go from surviving to thriving? You know, obviously, that's quite a journey in itself, almost. But how do you go about that? What does that journey look like?

Gina Conover: 12:03

So, for me, I think the biggest thing that I learned from myself, and what I help my clients do is really learn how to rebuild trust in myself. Because when I went through my divorce, really the thing that really eroded in myself was the ability to trust that I could make good decisions. But I mean, that went from like, the big decisions, obviously, like choosing a partner to like even like small everyday decisions, with like making dinner choices or like choosing, you know, what I should do with my kids like it just it eroded my ability to trust myself on so many levels. And that can be so paralysing, without our ability to trust ourselves, we really can't feel in control of our life on on any instances in any areas in our life. Without self trust, we are really at the whim of whatever life throws at us. And so what I did was very intentionally learn how to rebuild that trust in my life. And I did that with just one decision at a time. One like intentional, like leap of faith with myself at a time where I would just really lean into that. That unknown was having my own back and taking that, like I said, that like leap of faith where I'm going to just do this one thing and show up for myself and have my back even if I fail or even if it's scary, or even if it's something that I'm not sure if I'm going to put myself out there, I'm going to try this thing. And I'm going to have my I'm going to show up for myself in this moment. And the next moment and the next moment, just one step at a time. And it was a journey. It's a process. One thing that I teach my clients is building a new belief about ourselves. It's like putting a belief in like a piggy bank, where little kids have like a piggy bank, and they put in a penny one penny at a time. And eventually it grows that they're their money in their piggy bank. And it's like that, it's like building that belief in myself that I could trust myself. So every time I would show up for myself by getting my kids to school as a single mom, or like planning my menu or paying my bills, or any of these little things that I was doing as a single mom on my own, showing that I could handle my life on my own. Those little things are like putting a belief in my ability to trust myself. Each of those were deposit I was putting into my own belief, think for myself and all of those little things that I did, added up to a belief that I could manage my life on my own that I could do things for my family and for myself. And those little deposits over time, have created this very solid belief in myself and rebuilt my trust. And I mean I've done from those little beliefs. I decided to take a giant leap of faith and myself and my kids all across the country, just the four of us because I knew I could handle it I think knew I could trust myself to figure out how to do it. Because I had built back my belief in myself enough that I knew that I could figure it out, I knew that I had my back. And so it just it happens with the little decisions we have every day to trust ourselves. And it does, it takes time. But we can do it by creating those beliefs one at a time.

Anne Okafor: 15:21

I just I love that piggy bank analogy. It's a really visual way of explaining how those small small deposits actually really mount up into, you know, this grand belief where you can restore that trust you have in yourself. And, you know, I can understand how that, you know, relates to even you know, your identity, because, you know, you're everything, you're almost having to question absolutely everything again, you know, whereas before you it would be, you know, I run the mill day to day thing, you know, boats, things with your partner, you know, you know, ideas, even like you say, as simple as what you're having for dinner that evening, you're back to question and absolutely everything and you know, that is gonna absolutely have an impact on how you feel, how you act, how you behave, how you can you know, how you go about everything. So I love that, you know, is taking it back to small steps. But the good thing about that is, it means it's accessible, and it's achievable for everybody. You can take it back to small steps, you know, and do it you can today, build upon it tomorrow, and keep on making those little deposits in the piggy bank. And a really, really great way to think about it. I guess part of this adjustment for you as well was adjustment to life as a single parent. And like you said, you mentioned before that the logistics of that alone, without, you know, the emotional and you know, everything else that comes with, you know, looking after children, but the logistics itself is difficult.

Gina Conover: 16:49

Yeah, definitely. My ex husband is also in the military. So he's always been like, far away from me. So I've had my kids pretty much full time. And it really, at the beginning, that felt very overwhelming, because I don't get a break, and I still don't really get a break. And what I've really learned with that is to offer myself so much compassion, and to let go of what I can't control. Because in the beginning, I really wanted to be able to control the things I wanted to be able to get everything done and have the perfect house and make, you know all the fabulous dinners and I do all the things I could do when I was married, and I had a partner and then life changed. And in the beginning, I wanted to be able to keep all the control and do all the things that I'd done before. And it was creating so much extra stress and overwhelm. And just, I was just worn out because I just couldn't keep it up. And what I realised through that part of my journey is that offering myself grace and compassion to let some of those things go, was okay, like I needed to be able to show up for myself in a more loving way and let go of the things that didn't truly matter. I needed, it was more important for me to have peace inside of me versus trying to control the external things to create the peace, I thought that having a spotless house and a perfect dinner was going to make me feel better. And then it was just making me feel stressed out because I just I had no downtime, I was just running myself ragged. And so having like, a somewhat clean house, and you know, letting the kids eat chicken nuggets for dinner instead, while I was able to have you know, half an hour to calmly read a book was more important to me, because it allowed me to slow down and connect to myself. And that was more important, I was able to turn inwards and find that peace in myself first and then I could give it out to my family. And so learning to really let go of the things that didn't truly matter and focus in on myself first as the centre for the peace and the column in my life, and then give it out to my family was really important. As I learned to juggle the new responsibilities and logistics of doing life on my own.

Anne Okafor: 19:03

I think that kind of goes back to the trust piece as well, in that you're trusting yourself to make the right decisions. Yeah, different to what you did before. And I think that's something we can all take lesson from is that we all go through seasons of life, and of development and you know, we have different things pop up at different times, you know, maybe we're working on a really crazy project for a certain amount of time and things go a bit wild and you're, you know, you can't do the same things as what you were doing before. And it's allowing yourself that sort of space and and trust in yourself to make the right decisions for you at that moment. And if that means that you know, you're not don't scrub in the skirting boards this weekend. And you know, the kids are maybe having chicken nuggets instead of like a freshly cooked meal for one night. That's okay. You know it's okay to do things differently to give yourself that time and space because we Do we all we all get stages where things go a bit crazy, we put extra pressure on ourselves. But having that trust and obviously being able to rebuild to a place where you have that trust in yourself to make the right decisions for you and your family, at that time is really key to this.

Gina Conover: 20:18

Yeah. And I think that's one of the greatest things that I've learned throughout my whole journey as a single mom is that I always get to decide what is the right decisions for me and my family, like my family right now is a family of four with just me and my kids. I know what's best for me and my kids, like no one else, no other, even other single parents and their kids, what works for them, may not work for me. And what worked for me when I was married doesn't work for me what I always get to decide, in this moment, what works for me and my kids, and it can change tomorrow, like it, it always gets to be my decision. And I get to trust myself, like you said, like to know what is right, and to make that decision for me and my kids. And that is just that changes everything. Because then I'm not trying to compare myself to the neighbours down the street or the family on social media, I'm just looking inwards and connecting to myself and what my family needs in the moment. And it creates so much more peace and unity in my home and just let go of that pressure of trying to keep up or compare or just, you know, keep all of the chaos at bay. So that's been very helpful for me as well.

Anne Okafor: 21:28

I think there's something incredibly freeing about that sort of independence, I guess, you know, and having that ability to make the decision. And, you know, again, not having been divorced or in a situation of parenting. But certainly an all when I've been on my own made decisions that just I can make for me, because that's what feels good for me at that time. There's something incredibly empowering and freeing about that.

Gina Conover: 21:57

Yeah, it really is. And I think that's why I resonate so strongly with this idea of trust, which is the same idea of like, self confidence is when we can really connect into ourselves as the best authority for our lives, our parenting, our work our home, like all of the things that you know, are in our sphere of influence, when we can connect to ourselves as the best authority for what we need. Like there, it just creates so much calm confidence and peace in our lives. Because it's, it's the truth, we know what we need. And when we truly believe that and can lean into that and all aspects of our lives. We just get to create what we want in our lives, we let go of the drama, we let go of the chaos, we let go of the stress. And we just get to lean into what we know is right for us. And that changes everything. It's so powerful. I just love it so much.

Anne Okafor: 22:48

Great. Well, it's great to hear that you're in that sort of space now. So tell us what does life look like just know, obviously, you've got your, your 12 week programme, where you teach people to break through from the source survival mode, and go through into sort of an empowered building up of their self trust and their confidence that we've spoken about. So tell us what does life look like? And what tell us a little bit about your programme as well.

Gina Conover: 23:11

Yeah. So now I am able to, I started my own business. Like I said, I run my coaching practice where I'm able to help other single moms really take a proactive, intentional journey on healing them, their, their wounds from their divorce and really step into their confidence in their rebuild their trust after going through something as like we said, so shattering as a divorce. So what I do is I help them with that. And I really love being able to do that. Because I've been able to create this business where I'm able to work from home, when my kids are home from school I get to be with them, I really get to be engaged as a parent, which I've always valued because I just get to stay home. When my kids were little. When I was married, I was a stay at home mom and I valued that time, at home with my kids, I love that I'm able to still be able to be home with them, and work and did the job and the work in the world that I'm still so passionate about and help these women. So I get to do that I live in a part of the country that I absolutely adore. I love being on the east coast of the United States. It's just It's beautiful here and it's actually in North Carolina. So it's a little bit further south. And I absolutely love it. I've found that I've just created so much balance and abundance in my life. I feel that there's so much peace in what I've created, that it just feels that I create the life that I want to live. I am very intentional of what I bring into my life and where I spend my energy. So when I decided to take something on in my business or the people I invite into my life, I know that I get to create what I want in my space. I no longer feel like like the things that that could push me back into survival mode like I felt when I was going through my divorce. It felt very powerless of like, I don't know what's going to come at me next, or, you know what's gonna knock me down. Now I know that life throws things at you like the pandemic, like we've lived through a crazy couple of years. And even those kind of things, I look at those now and realise, like, Yes, life can be crazy. And it can be challenging, but I feel like I'm at a place where I know how to keep my peace and my confidence. And I trust myself to be able to show up and handle those things in a way that doesn't interrupt the beauty of my life that I've created for myself now. So life is very good, I really enjoy where I'm at in my life today.

Anne Okafor: 25:35

So that's really great to hear. And I think, you know, when he talks about the pandemic, and the resilience, sort of, of being able to trust yourself, when things completely out with our control come into play as well. No matter what our situations may be, at home or in life, having that resilience to know that you know, what is right for you, you know how to make things better for yourself almost, and how to sort of bounce back from anything that's sort of thrown at you, I think it's really important for us all to understand that we have the power to do that, you know, he said, I think it can be quite a perilous place, when you are on that course of, I don't know what's going to happen, and anything could come and throw me off at a moment's notice. Having that ability, again, I think this is back to the confidence and the self trust thing. Having that self trust, and the confidence to believe in it allows you to know that, well, you know, what, even if something crazy happens tomorrow, I've got that ability within myself to, to get by and to handle things, you know, I can handle stuff. You know, and I think that's a really important lesson that you've taken from that. Yeah, it really is. One,

Gina Conover: 26:45

I think the greatest gifts that I I've learned from going through my divorce. And the work that I've done since then, is that I've learned that, you know, before my divorce, I would have thought that I got my confidence or my strength or my you know, assurity that life, I could handle life, from the things outside of me, like I had a husband or I had a great life because of the external things in my life. And when I went through my divorce, all of that was, you know, ripped away from me. And I really went through a very hard time of realising that without all of that, what is left, and really, it was just me. And so I had to do the work of really looking inward and rebuilding the trust, like we talked about, I had to build that within myself first. And because I've done the work to really build that self trust, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that whatever life throws at me, I will always have my own back. My self trust is so sure that whatever comes at me, I know life is gonna be crazy. Like, that's just a human experience. So yes, a pandemic can be insanely ridiculous to live through, you know, life was gonna throw me other curveballs might who knows what will happen as my kids get older relationships come and go, like, life is going to be challenging. But I have learned that I can make it through all of it. Because I know how to show up for myself and be there for myself through it all. And so that has been such a powerful gift that I've given myself and learned throughout this process. And that's what I love to be able to give to other people that come and coach with me is that you can have that for yourself, all of the external things that we think of us the strength and support, we need to make it through this life. They come and go and they can be ripped away from us. But when you have that from within, nothing can take that from you, that is always available to you no matter what. And that's, that's the work that I do. So

Anne Okafor: 28:36

amazing. I mean, I love hearing about it, it's something that I hold dear to myself as well, because I have been through situations where I've needed to go back and have a look and the things that you say that externally to us are taken away, then you have to have a look inwards and see and actually having that internally is for me certainly is very empowering. You know, visibles not the right word, but you can know that you're really in a strong place. You know, you can you can get by if something doesn't go your way tomorrow, it's, you know, you can you're going to be okay. And I think that's really a great and very freeing. Live, you know, and certainly, there's a level of freedom that comes with that. That's different, I think, you know, articulated very well, but it's definitely a different level of freedom that comes with that independence.

Gina Conover: 29:31

Yeah, I

Anne Okafor: 29:32

would agree. Awesome. Well, what I would like to do is just them, tell me the steps that you maybe take with someone who is coming to for coaching, is there a step by step process that you would go through or what does your programme look like for our client? I know obviously, it's going to be individual dependent on everybody's divorce is going to be different, I guess. But, you know, are there certain steps in the dance that that you follow?

Gina Conover: 30:00

Yeah, so I do have a 12 week programme that I take my clients through and I have some basic trainings that I some modules that I take them there. So there's definitely the like the backbone, the skills that I take all my clients through, but I do it individualise it because like you said, every divorce is individualised and every person is individualised. But there's, there are basic skills that I like to be able to teach them, each of my clients so that they feel empowered to be able to walk this healing journey and be able to take those skills and apply them to their life. So some of the skills that are are essential to be able to really step into this space of rebuilding trust and healing from divorces, being able to process really lean in and process emotions, which sounds a little, maybe a little silly, because we're like, well, feelings are feelings, we have feelings, of being able to really like step into a feeling like overwhelm or anxiety, or even peace or happiness, and sit with that feeling, and feel where it's coming from, and feel it in your body and not automatically run away from it, like go look on your phone or go have a snack or, you know, push it away, it actually takes a lot of practice. And there's so much power in learning how to sit with our feelings, the good ones and the bad ones. We've we learned so much from both. And there's so much growth in power that comes from really doing a lot of emotion work, because the the negative emotions we tend to avoid. And by learning how to process them, we take so much of our power back and the good ones we tend to minimise. And when we learn how to sit with our loved ones, we get to experience more of the good in our life. And so really empowering my clients to be able to really take charge of their emotions and be more present in their life is so essential to building that trust and that confidence in themselves. I also teach them a lot how to manage the way that they're thinking, like we talked about building those beliefs and their beliefs bank, really being aware of how they're thinking and learning how to really question a lot of that, like automatic black and white thinking that we all do as human beings we all think of like, well, it's this or that and there's no other options. There's so many other ways to think about so many things in our lives, I'd call it thinking in the grey, because we always think that you know, as either this or this and there's no other way to think about it. And I help them learn how to think in the grey. And the question, Is that really true? Or is that really the only option and really to explore some of those things. I also help them learn how to take actionable steps when they feel very stuck with when they are stuck in overwhelm, or they feel like they don't know what to do, how do we get into a place where we can take action, because that's how we get forward movement. And that's how we start to really build confidence is when you can take actionable steps specific to what they're struggling with, so that they can start moving forward and start creating trust. And then all of this works together to help them create this, this feeling of confidence and trust in themselves, they create a new version of this themselves, the version they want to be that can show up in their lives and be the person that is creating the life that they want to live after divorce is that person that is confident and has trust in themselves and is thriving after divorce and isn't stuck in that survival mode. So we do this together, we go through these steps, I teach them these skills, and then we work on specific things that they're struggling with that week or that day and help shift the way that they think and show up in their life and move them into a place of thriving and creating the life that they want to live. Because I'm such an advocate that they can create a beautiful life, they don't have to just be forced into living a life that they think they have to live now that they're divorced. Like it's not like, we have to know if Plan B like you get to create a new plan a that's going to be beautiful and vibrant. And whatever you want it to be, it's a beautiful beginning and they get to be in charge of what it looks like. So that's what

Anne Okafor: 33:54

goes back to that beliefs as well. You know, there's a certain thought about, you know, life after divorce, and it doesn't need to be that way. And that's built in part of that belief bank system that actually you can choose what you want to do and, and create what works for you what makes you happy. And I think that you know, I really liked what you were saying about the emotions, and sitting with those and experiencing them and observing them and observing how we react to them as well. Because I think a lot of the time we have the feelings have the emotions and we let them overtake us and you know, we go and do maybe things that don't serve us to get away from them like you say avoiding the bad emotions and then going on a snack or doing something that isn't really going to serve us or help us progress. But actually to just sit with it and understand where it's coming from. What it makes you want to react like how you can then control that how you can do something that then is actionable towards your goal of rebuilding your life, you know, after divorce, so I think that's a really important point. And something like again, I think we can all know that we got some things to do on that aspect.

Gina Conover: 35:03

It's already a lifetime. We all, even though I'm I love emotion work and it's still something I'm working on. So it's,

Anne Okafor: 35:09

I mean, that's the thing, you know, we're humans, it's the human experience, as you said, we're changing all the time, the world changes around us all the time. So, you know, even as great as life can be, there can still be things that that's, you know, throw us off for the day or, you know, something comes into your life or something happens where, you know, you need to have another look and see, and I think that's something that, you know, is ongoing, and, and rightly so. But the great thing that I really liked, too, that you mentioned, is that the more we sit with the good emotions as well, we experienced them, I think, you know, certainly with more intensity, you, you appreciate it, you and you really feel it, you know, when you've had the sort of times of being in survival mode, when you're sitting with the good times, you really feel that much more, I think once you learn to sit with it a little and learn to love it and love love yourself, I guess.

Gina Conover: 36:05

Yeah, which is, which is so easy to, like, minimise that or just like push past that, especially in survival mode. Or when life gets busier word more stuck in like a struggle mode when just we push past the good and minimise it and don't look at it. And it's so important to look at those moments and sit in the good. Because those help fuel us to when we recognise the peace or the happiness or the joy we're feeling, those can fuel us to be able to have the strength to handle the challenges of the things we're going to. So it's important that we spend time in those emotions to have emotions drive our actions, so it's so important that we are aware of them, and that we, you know, do the work to be able to not feel like they are controlling us, but that we are able to be intentional about them. So I love emotional work.

Anne Okafor: 36:52

Absolutely. I mean, there's definitely a lot to be learned from that. And there. You know, it's certainly something I have experience with as well. And obviously, you can't talk about a client in terms of, you know, a specific experience. But are you able to give us an example of a client success, or somebody who's, you know, come to you very much in survival mode, and is no, like yourself, you know, you're obviously a clear example of this yourself. But you know, someone who's had success from the programme, and from doing this work, you know, is there a story you can tell us obviously, would remain in with, like confidentiality in the lakes. Yeah,

Gina Conover: 37:29

I had a client that came to me and she was just, her divorce was really challenging, she was very much stuck in the belief that, like, her only role was to be a mom. And so she was really struggling to see herself as anything else, other than just a mom. And so when her life changed, she was, you know, had 5050 custody and half her time was now spent not being a mom, she was very stuck in this place of I don't know, who I am, or how to create something more for myself. And we worked a lot around that. And we sat a lot with those really challenging emotions, those emotions that feel so uncomfortable that you want to push away from that you want to go numb from, you want to go from Netflix, or go eat a bunch of snacks, because you don't want to feel and there's so much power in actually sitting with those emotions. And we did a lot of work to recognise and grieve the loss of that version of her life that she wanted, and then to rebuild a new version of the life she could have. And that transformation of really allowing space for the life that she thought she would have. And working through those skills and those steps. And all of those emotions was such an amazing transformation because she was able to still be the mom that she wanted and be so present when she had her kids. That was such an important role for her. And that was such an important part of her life and still is. But allowing herself to also be able to be a woman and be find a new part of her identity was able to allow her to then show up more present for her kids when she had her kids and being able to hold space for both in work. So both allowed her to kind of will fully be able to step out of that like to lean overwhelmed and just surviving the wholeness and to have this place where she felt more present and thriving in her life, for her family, for kids and for herself. It's been a beautiful transformation that she's gone through.

Anne Okafor: 39:31

Awesome. Well, that's great to hear. And I think you know talking about that, that's different situation that she has 5050 custody and then has this sort of period of time where she isn't a mom. Well, she is a mom, but she's not. And I haven't to then fill out with something completely new but a part of that is back to the grief situation where you your whole life's different to what you thought it was gonna be. You've probably closed off a lot of the parts of you that you had when you were young. Before your mom, or wife, you, you, then you'll identify with wife and mom and sit in that space. And then you're having to sort of explore again and find, what do I like to do? What am I interested in? And again, and that's almost on the flip side, but still very much about questioning your identity again, and back to that sort of grief. And, you know, what am I going to do now? So really great that she's found a way through that with your help. And I'm sure her and our family's life or children will, will be in a much better face for having been through Yeah,

Gina Conover: 40:35

yeah, she has created a lot more peace and happiness. When she came to me, she just felt very, just very overwhelmed and just weighed down. You could just sense it in her presence all the time. And when she I see her now she's just very there's a peace and happiness about her. And I can just see the shift in her just to her countenance when she when I speak with her. So she's an amazing thing. Well,

Anne Okafor: 40:58

the programme. Awesome. That's really great to hear. And that sounds really valuable as well. So what I would like to know now, Gina, is if you think of us three top tips for someone who's in this sort of situation, you know, through divorce, or maybe, you know, another situation in life, which has caused, you know, major change and upheaval.

Gina Conover: 41:17

Yeah, so three top tips. So my first one is definitely going to be to notice what you're feeling. So feelings are, like you said, so important. So when you're feeling an emotion, just to be able to take a deep breath, and notice where you feel it in your body, just to be able to start tuning into the emotions that you're feeling. So it can be any, it can be any of the like negative emotions or positive emotions. But when you feel that charged, emotion come up in your body just to take a breath, and notice that my shoulders is it my jaw, like my chest, where am I feeling this emotion, this will just help you to start like tuning in to yourself more and bring you into your body more, which is going to bring you more present into your life. My second tip would be to finish the sentence, this is one of my favourite tips. So often when we're struggling or feeling stuck, we'll say, pair ourselves thinking things like, I don't know what to do, or this is so hard, or you know, these kinds of thoughts that are like kind of like negative like, I don't know, thoughts. So my tip is, finish that sentence in your brain. So if it's, I don't know what to do, you would just finish the sentence with something like, but I'm going to keep trying, or I'll figure it out, or something that adds something to the end of the sentence that shows that you're not just going to stop there, you're going to keep looking for a solution, or you're not going to give up on yourself. It's one of those deposit thoughts that goes back into your belief bank that you're building for yourself, you're reminding your brain that you're going to keep building belief that you can solve the problem, or you can show up for yourself or you're going to keep working towards the solution. You don't have to fully believe that you know how you're right now, but you're going to finish the the sentence in your head so that you start to shift the way you think about looking at your problems. So I don't know how, but I'll keep trying. I don't know how yet. But I will at some point, like, just hold space for the possibility that you'll figure it out someday. So it's important to finish the sentence. And then my last tip would be when you feel overwhelmed about your to do list or just life in general, when you find yourself feeling really overwhelmed, which is so often the emotion that comes up with my clients. And this as a single mom, or just as human beings. I think overwhelm is one of the big emotions, we feel overwhelmed comes from feeling like we need to like solve all of our problems all at once or like we're looking at the big picture of all the things that we need to do. And we get overwhelmed. I don't know where to start, I don't know what to do. I want you just to zoom in and focus on one thing. That's it, just focus on one thing right now. That's going to defuse the overwhelm, you can't solve all the problems at once anyways. And so trying to tell your brain that you're going to solve them all right now is not going to work. It's just creating more overwhelm because that feeling of overwhelm is being created, by the way you're thinking about the problems. So we're going to zoom in on just one thing you can focus on right now. Like for instance, if I have to clean my whole house today, and I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done. Instead of thinking of all the things I'm going to focus in on, I'm just going to go wash the dishes. Focusing in on that one task is going to change the way I'm feeling from then overwhelmed to feeling capable of that one task that I can focus on right now. And it can be anything could be work, it can be family, it can be friends, it can be any of the things that you're feeling overwhelmed about before focusing in on the one thing you can do right now, but change the way you're feeling about it. So I hope that was helpful.

Anne Okafor: 45:07

Absolutely. Great tips. And I really love the finish the sentence one, because so often we do this all so hard, you know, and we just sit with that moment and but actually flipping that, and since it's so hard, but I'm strong enough to find a way, or I'm going to find my way through this. You're flipping that sort of to from resignation to intentional action, you know, where I'm going to find a way and it gives you that sort of momentum to define away from that it is hard, you know, it's hard, and then we just didn't stop, don't when we don't. It's quite gentle. It's a difficult thing, isn't it as well, you use really hard and, you know, you're sat there and you're stuck again, and that it's hard, but I'm going to find a way through. It's hard, but I trust myself to find a way is much more positive, is very action oriented. And I think action and intentions is how we let you you said it before. Actions are what helps you from surviving to thriving, you know, and understanding that and day. Yeah, excellent tips there. Thank you very much for sharing those. I really appreciate that. Yeah. So just before we wrap up, where can our listeners find you online or on social media, if they would like to learn more about this great work

Gina Conover: 46:25

that you're doing? Wow. So my website is Gina Conover coaching COMM And then I'm on Facebook and Instagram at confidently divorced. So you can look me up there and then me, you can DM me or reach out to me, too, that way as well.

Anne Okafor: 46:41

Awesome. Well, thank you very much. We will include those links in the show notes. So if you'd like to get in contact with Jenna, you can do so from the shownotes. The links will be included in there. Gina, thank you so much for sharing your story of readjustment and going from survival mode, all the way to this beautiful thriving life that you have now that you've created for yourself. Thank you for sharing that with our listeners today. We really appreciate you.

Gina Conover: 47:06

Yeah, thank you so much for having me. It was such a pleasure.

Anne Okafor: 47:09

You're remarkable. Thank you. So listeners. If you're bouncing back from a challenge or storming forward to the next one, the determinant or collective is here for you. Stay remarkable to terminators.

Unknown: 47:20

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