The Decision to Comeback with Richard Kaufman

#026

TW: Mentions Addiction, 9/11, Military, Injury and Medical discharge, Suicide, Depression, Covid, Pandemic

In this episode, I'm talking with Richard Kaufman. He's a life coach, podcast host, producer and author based in North Arlington. He's a United States Army veteran with an incredible story of resilience and overcoming adversity. And he truly lives up to his name, the comeback coach.

·         Introducing Richard

·         Building Resilience 

·         Social Connections and Network

·         Military Life – Round 1 

·         A chance from a stranger

·         Military Life – Round 2 

·         Deciding to change

·         Vocabulary Matters

·         Everyday Habits

·         The ability to comeback

·         Consistency over Intensity

·         Richards Book – A Hero’s Journey

·         Vertical Momentum Podcast

Book: A Hero's Journey.. From Darkness to light eBook : Kaufman, Richard: Amazon.co.uk: Books

Podcast: Vertical Momentum – Your Resiliency Based Podcast (verticalmomentumpodcast.com)

Coaching: The Comeback Coach - Life Coach in North Arlington (richardkaufman.net)

LinkedIn: (1) "richard kaufman" | Search | LinkedIn

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

Welcome to the everyday determinator podcast with your host, Anne Okafor, founder of the determinator collective we want to help you get off that hamster wheel of life and turn you into an everyday the Terminator by sharing stories for Americans who have overcome varying challenges in life and careers and by reviewing and signposting you to helpful resources to start you on the journey to achieving your goals. For more information on the determinator collective, please visit www.un Okafor dot Koto uk. Thanks for listening determinator

Anne Okafor: 0:50

Hello, and welcome to the everyday Determinator Podcast. Today I'm talking with Richard Kaufman. He's a life coach, podcast host, producer and author based in north Arlington. And he's a United States Army veteran with an incredible story of resilience and overcoming adversity. And he truly lives up to his name, the combat coach. Hi, Richard, it's great to have you with us today. How are you?

Richard Kaufman: 1:13

How's everything going? Hopefully you're having had a great weekend.

Anne Okafor: 1:18

Yeah, it's been really good. Nice and quiet, actually. And not too cold, considering we're in Scotland in the middle of winter. So, yes. What about things in north Arlington?

Richard Kaufman: 1:28

Oh, it was great. I got to go took a day off. And I got to go to Lake City with my wife and my daughter, hang out and have dinner together and just chill out and relax. Take a day off.

Anne Okafor: 1:38

Awesome. Well, that sounds ideal. And a good way to spend the weekend for sure. Yeah. So you have a story of resilience and overcoming. And we know that you've wrote this in your book, and your book is the hero's journey. Is that correct? Yep. So before we talk about your successes, and celebrate those, because you have many of those as well. Let's rewind. And do you want to tell us a little bit about your journey and where this all began?

Richard Kaufman: 2:05

I'm sure I grew up in New Jersey. So if you guys don't know where New Jersey is, we're right across from where the Twin Towers in New York City wants to. Actually if you actually go look out, if I go stand on my porch, I can actually see where they want stood. So that's where I grew up. I grew up on in New Jersey. My father left when I was three months old. Mom was an addict. Thank god, she's been cleaned now I think 27 years. So she's, she doesn't use anymore. But you know, she was a nurse trying to keep you know, food on the table. So she, as we know, nurses, they work a lot of swing shifts, weekends or holidays. And so I went, you know, moved from, you know, family member to family member and babysitters. So, you know, we moved around a lot, I think I was in 13 different schools. By the time I was 16. So I never made a lot of friends and I had my first drink by the age of 13. Let me by age of 12, I was a full blown alcoholic at age 13. I quit school, joined the military stood for two and a half years in the military then got thrown out for being a drug addict and alcoholic got back in for a second time was due to be thrown out again for the second time, not for being a drug addict or an alcoholic, but you know, just for being an asshole. And they're due to throw me out at the end of September of 2001. But because of what happened on warning of 911 It changed the whole trajectory of my life, my mindset, and they decided to keep me. So I became within three years Okay, noncommissioned officer, soldier of the year. And then on my 23rd year in the military, I got hurt on duty. I lost my vision. So eventually, military, you can't see you can't shoot. We don't need you. So they eventually medically discharged me out. And that was I think Memorial Day weekend 2012. And that was the day that I attempted suicide. But didn't go through with it, thank God, because I didn't you know, the whole 23 years. Here I am trying to be the ultimate soldier. Try to help as many people as I can, you know, try to be the best that I can be and then all of a sudden, it's taken away from me. And I don't know who Richard is. And I'm scared. And thank God. I didn't go through with it. I started going to therapy that next Monday morning, and I've been in therapy for the last 12 years. But thanks to a guy name. You might have heard of them Mr. Gary Vaynerchuk. We actually I had a chance to speak with him for about 20 minutes had lunch, and got to be us with him. And he's the one that started me up on the whole comeback coach. He talked to me about the book about the podcast. So without Gary, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now, which is just trying to give people hope, you know, trying to let people know, it's okay not to be okay. And, you know, today I decide is, your decisions will make your future?

Anne Okafor: 5:24

No, I mean, that's an incredible story. I mean, there's so much in there that, you know, any one of those things can be enough to throw somebody off on the wrong path. And you've dealt with just, you know, so many different things that, you know, I've obviously been difficult along the way. But I've also given you this sort of resilience and drive to do what you do know, and help other people, like you say, with hope, so that they know that they can go on and succeed. And it is okay to be not okay, we all have those moments. But you've had one after the other, and seems, which is incredibly difficult. And and obviously started back I think, you know, when you're 12 years old, at a time when, you know, we're developing, we're learning about the world and how things are and you know, to fall into that, then is quite a pivotal moment. He mentioned not having many friends and things at school and growing up. And I believe, certainly within resilience, that social connections is one thing that really helps us build resilience is having that sort of support network around is that something you feel may have changed things for you at that stage?

Richard Kaufman: 6:32

Yep, well, for me, whenever my one of my mother got remarried, and my stepfather, which I call him dad, now, who was very rocky, you know, the relationships were very rocky. So when they would argue I would just go into the bathroom, hop in the tub, and let the water go as high as they can. And I would just hop in, and I would grab a book, and I'll, you know, submerge my ears so I can hear the arguing. So I have a love affair with books, and reading and knowledge. You know, that was my saving grace, until about 10 years ago, when I moved to New Jersey, from South Carolina, and I looked around, and I had no friends. You know, I had my wife, you know, which won't, she's my bride. She's my best friend. She's my everything. She's my rock. But I had nobody else. And then I had to look deep inside and be like, and I read somewhere, I don't remember which book it was, but somebody says, in order to have a friend, you have to be a friend. And that's when I started looking around and started saying, you know, who do I want to be friends with. And that's when I started building my network. Now, you know, I have hundreds of 1000s of people that either follow me or if I follow them, but I only have about five or six people that I call my amigos where I know that if I need them, they're in their truck. 3am No problem. I'm on my way. And I think if anybody can just have five or six people that, you know, got your back, I think your life becomes a lot easier. Because then like you said, you know that I'm not alone?

Anne Okafor: 8:07

No, absolutely. And I think you know, it's important to have those really close connections. And it's good to have the wider network as well for people for support and support, you know, to support also a big part of what you do, no, but having that really close circle of people is super important. And it gives us that sort of security, I guess, that we're not alone. And yeah, it's a really important thing. In terms of the other challenges that you've had, obviously, going into the military and things like that, again, a big step, a big move, especially when things maybe been rocky in terms of your alcoholism, and then recovery around that as well. To go into a severe, I guess, you know, structure in terms of a military setting is two very different things. You know, is it I mean, you know, it seems to be two very different things. What would you say?

Richard Kaufman: 9:01

Well, of course, you know, the day I joined, I had long, long blonde hair earrings. So they loved me when I got there because they couldn't wait. You know, but I had a smart mouth too. So I got in a lot of trouble. Yeah, so but for me, you know, I never plan to live past the age of 25. So for me, it was just okay, they're gonna yell at me. So what they're not gonna kill me. So my opinion is either go to jail or join the military. I kind of did both in the military. I did both. And for me, it was, you know, I was a great soldier. When we were out in the field. When we were doing stuff, you know, we're blowing stuff up. I was the ultimate soul. I was the best soldier. I didn't care about sleeping. I just wanted to go play and have fun and work. But once you got me back into it all the other like the generals and all those guys That's when I got into all my trouble. After two and a half years, I think they can only take so much until they discharged me like, you're out. You got to go. So after two and a half years, they finally decided they said, you know, maybe we're not such a good fit, you got to go. And they threw me out.

Anne Okafor: 10:17

And then so what did you do after that, then obviously, you know, you get it sort of, you probably weren't all that bothered by being there in the first place. And then you said, you went out and then went back? Was there some sort of realisation actually, that structure was working for you to some degree in terms of keeping you on track with things are I

Richard Kaufman: 10:37

was actually I got arrested one day for robbing a police officer, which was stupid, who would ever thought, you know, you robbed a police officer. But he actually gave me a break. And he told me if I got my money, he got his money back. He wouldn't send me to jail for five years. I am I borrowed from my family, they got me the money, and I paid them back. But as you know, this is all happening. My uncle, which I really respect, I miss him I love. I wish I would have spent more time with him, you know, but he said, You know what Rich, she's like, I knew you never can make it into military, you're just not that kind of guy. And for a year, it kept me up at night. It bothered me. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was because I respected him. And he was a Korean War veteran. He was the boxing champion of the military in the Korean War. So maybe I just took it a lot, took it took it to heart, and I did everything I could to get back in. And because I felt I had to redeem myself. And eventually, I did get back in and join an Army National Guard.

Anne Okafor: 11:48

Yeah, I mean, it's incredible. It's, you know, it's that sort of classic story where you just keep fighting and keep, you know, pressing on, to try and look for improvement and to try and better yourself, you know, from each sort of situation that you found yourself in. And it's great to hear that you did get that chance back then was a police officer, because I guess things could have been very different. If that had taken a different turn. But it goes to show that, you know, the chance you give someone on occasion can really make a big difference to them. Even though the situation wouldn't have been pleasant for that guy, I'm sure. In terms of then, obviously, your military career, then you were in the military for a long time. And you excelled in that when the second time after going back and after, I think you said the turning point there was 911 You know, I think you were still maybe playing up a little bit pre 911. And then after that, there was some sort of wake up call, I guess our realisation that you wanted to do something different. What was your thought processes at that time? What was your thinking around that, you know, I need to turn this round.

Richard Kaufman: 12:53

Well, prior to that Tuesday morning, for me, I was still the same guy, I was still the same guy. You know, I was using people, you know, I would take advantage of everybody thinking the world owed me 11. So I was the ultimate aihole. But, you know, that Tuesday, totally, you know, changed my life. Because here, you know, as it's happening in here in America, it was all live, you know, there was no editing, and you were actually seeing bodies hitting the ground. You know, you were seeing you know, then pulling bodies out of the Pentagon. And here I am, as I'm looking at the TV, all my stuff is to the right of the TV. And I got to turn in, because I'm being thrown out again for the second time. And that's when I you know, I literally and I talk about that in the book. It was the day that broke me it actually, it broke me to the core. And I actually crumbled into my couch. And I actually cried out to the Lord, I said, Lord, you know, please give me another chance to help others that can't help themselves today. And that's when I think the whole you know, everything started to change that morning. You know, but then I had to do the work. You know, just because you make a decision, doesn't mean you don't have to put in the work.

Anne Okafor: 14:09

No, absolutely. I mean, the decision is just the starting point. But I mean, it's a big step, you know, and it's, it's not always an easy step either. So,

Richard Kaufman: 14:18

so what happened is we had we call a drill and the National Guard, we stay for the weekend and do our training and all that. So I decided to get there two hours early. And I just set my truck and I watched I watched all the successful people come in what time they got there. And then I watched all the loser people what time they got there. And it seemed like the successful people got there two hours early. They'd stay two hours late. They put the effort in, you know, take correspondence courses, they volunteered for everything. So that's what I took a moment and thinking alright, and I started reading books on one of the books I started reading was Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki, Sharon Lechter I'm actually having Sharon come on the show at the end of the month. But I found that success leaves clues. So if, if what I was doing wasn't successful, why don't I try something that is working for other people? So I started hanging out with, you know, the people to high achievers, they would say, and I think I'm doing that now, you know, I'm hanging out with, I'm learning from people, like, you know, Mr. John Lee Dumas, you know, his podcast has a million downloads a month, you know, I'm talking to people like Russell Brunson a click funnels, you know, but it's, I'm trying to change my life to now, you know, change, you got it, you know, you got to change your circle. Yeah, you know, a lot of people, I think, when they want to change their life, you know, they still hang around with the same people, and in a programme of AA, or NA, are one of the 12, any of the 12 programmes, you know, they always talk about, you know, you got to get away, if you want to succeed, you got to get away from people, places, and things. And I think that's what really started to change me, as I started getting away from the people, places and things and sort of see what other people are doing. What are they spending their money on? What kind of car do they drive? Where are they shopping? What books are they reading, and so that's when I really started to try to make that change, decide I want to be a winner, I don't want to be a loser anymore.

Anne Okafor: 16:29

Nothing can make a great point about what we get all the people you surround yourself with a circle. And you know what I think we, you know, and anything we try and do life, if you're trying to take that next step up, you know, modelling your behaviours on those who are doing the things that you want to do, is a great way of learning how to take that next step is learning how to, you know, if it's, you know, get your podcast to the highest level, then learning what the people who are already doing, that are doing and trying to, you know, make steps towards that, you know, it's not a case of doing it overnight, it is about distancing yourself from the things that aren't working, the behaviours aren't working for us, that can be, you know, anything in business or in life, you know, your, your examples, when you were in the army, and you learn the behaviours of successful people, but we can all take that into life into study into careers, you know, look at the successful people, what are they doing? What behaviours are serving them? What are the people who are not getting anywhere, you know, I'm trying to understand your behaviours that are serving you, and the behaviours that are no longer serving you, and working towards the things that you want to. And I think it's really important to take that point on board. So then you've obviously had this sort of successes in the military, but but then you, you were injured. And it got to a point of medical discharge again, again, you know, I kind of feel frustrated for you in that moment. Because, again, you know, you've got to this sort of stage where, you know, things seemingly have kind of got better for you. And then you get to the stage where you're injured. And, you know, through a circumstance that you couldn't really control things have been thrown up in the air again, presumably, you know, what do you do in that instance? You know, I guess you're having to sort of relearn yourself again, and have a look at things and see how you can No, make decisions in this new kind of situation that you find yourself and what's your thought process at that time?

Richard Kaufman: 18:27

Well, of course, you know, I got into deep dark depression. You know, that was why I decided to end it all. But I didn't go through it again, God had had a hand in. And then, you know, like, I started, you know, reading people that have come back from different things, you know, inspirational stories. I started watching a lot of documentaries, because I'm home, I can't work. So I need something to fulfil my day. And then I just, you know, somebody once said it, I don't remember who it was. He said, once you change your vocabulary from why me to why not me? You change your perspective on everything. You know, your words, or your words are everything. Like for instance, here in New Jersey, I think it was 12 degrees out yesterday, and I had to go take the garbage out. And here I am, I'm aggravated. I'm pissed off and I'm like 12 degrees and cold. And then it came to me, you know, 33 years ago today, or New Years. I was living in a car. Three miles away, eating cans. I picked out the garbage cans. And now I'm taking out the garbage in my home with my beautiful wife and three beautiful kids. And I'm living in a half a million dollar home. What do I got to complain about? So I checked I switched my mind to instead of I had to take out the garbage to, I get to, you know, so I think once you, you know, I asked, I was like I just talked to a gentleman, he had me on the show, we were talking about words. Now I asked a billionaire, a billionaire on my show, I said, What's the difference between a poor person and a rich person? He says, you want the simple answer. I said, Yeah. He says it's vocabulary. He says, a poor person thinks and talks different than a rich person does. And that really changed my whole perspective is, you know, what we think what we say, you know, I'm listening to a tape for, I guess they call it a audio book by Tony Robbins. And he said, don't complain about what your life today, because it was decisions and thoughts you had five years ago, that got you here. And this decision that thought you have, or today, or the one is going to get you where you're going to be in five years.

Anne Okafor: 20:59

So absolutely. I do agree with that, you know, and it's this, the stories that we tell ourselves are what either keeps us where we are, or accelerates us into that something else in five years, you know, and if you tell yourself, you're not worthy, or you're not able to, that's where you're going to be, you know, if you tell yourself that's possible, and look for ways to make that happen, you're certainly going to be a lot closer to it than you would have been if you hadn't tried. So. I mean,

Richard Kaufman: 21:27

just like, you know, the name of your show, you know, the every day, if you just get better 1% A day, it may not seem much, but in you know, the at the end of the year, your whole life is different. And you're only changing that 1% a day. And I'm listening to a book by Mr. James clear, the books called atomic habits, that 40% of our day, are determined by the habits that we have. So we can just change one. At the end, you know, 365 days, we've changed our whole life, just by changing one decision, you know, changing that one thing that we do every day, whether it's, you know, read a book for 10 minutes, or, you know, read, you know, listen to a podcast, you know, just make one different decision today than you did yesterday, your whole life will be different in the year.

Anne Okafor: 22:19

No, absolutely. I agree. You know, as the micro habits that we, that we do it on a daily that can make or break cash, really, you know, if you're doing something consistently, that's time wasted, or not productive, or doesn't serve you in whatever way, you know, it's going to have a negative effect on you whether you realise it or not, at all. But the opposite is also true. And if you do something positive that serves you every day, your life will be better for it, and you'll improve, or you'll get closer to a goal that you want to get closer to. So brilliant, obviously. So your story is about resilience, not but what does that mean? So we talked about resilience, but what does that mean for you? What is resilience to you?

Richard Kaufman: 23:00

You're resilient, for me, resilience is the ability to bounce back, no matter what it is, it's kind of like, I was always a big martial arts guy when I was a kid. I always love Bruce Lee. And he always said, you know, your life has to be like water. always moving. So I think, you know, the resiliency, I think is like that, you know, like, say, if you couldn't have been on your show today, you know, you said, you can't make it today, we got to reschedule. Okay, I get down, I can deal with that. I, you know, I'm resilient with that. I can move, I can move. And I think a lot of people you know, you know, they get one idea in their head, and they don't want to get off of that idea. You know, and I think that's why a lot of people are struggling with COVID. You know, you know, a lot of businesses went bankrupt. But there's a lot of businesses that made a lot of money. You know, like, who would ever thought that facemasks? is a billion dollar your business? Oh, no. So there was just some people that are like that, where they can see this change? And they're like, Okay, I can make the change with it. You know, I don't have to fight the system. I can work around the system. And I think so I think that for me is the biggest thing is to be able to be, you know, resilient and just be able to work around a situation, instead of always fighting this situation.

Anne Okafor: 24:21

And you give some good examples there in terms of the pandemic, and just you know, even in daily life, like if a meeting scheduled doesn't happen, because one thing I get a lot of time when we talk about resiliency is people say, Oh, well, I've not had any really bad things happen to me in my life. So I don't really have that skill. But it's something I truly believe that it's something that everybody can and should work on and build up and it's something that can, you know, be I guess I learned or, you know, something that you build upon. You don't necessarily have to have had some of the challenges that yourself or myself possibly faced. It can be the understanding of the Being flexible and being able to adapt when things don't go the way that you planned. Because like I say, a lot of people maybe don't have some of the challenges, but we all have challenges of sorts. So it's a thing isn't something that you know, everybody can can work on resilience, everyone can understand what can make them resilient. And again, it goes down to those decisions, I guess. Because if you decide to stay put, and the businesses and then the pandemic has decided, well, we're just gonna stick doing these things. But actually, we're not allowed to do them anymore, because of the global pandemic, then you're gonna go out of business, businesses that have been resilient and taken on board, new operations or new products, you will face masks or hand jail, for example, a lot of the sorry, like the alcohol industry turned to make it hand gels and things like that. So, you know, having that sort of ability to turn your face to something else, turn your skills to something else, you know, it's a skill set that you've already got, in all these companies had the skills, they've just put them to a different use. And it's the very much the same in our own lives. It's skills that we have, and just being able to recognise that you can put them to a different use. You don't have to just say, Oh, well, that's the meetings cancelled. And that's it. We can't move forward with that proposal ever. Because things haven't went our way today, things might go your way tomorrow, if you've so willing to give it a chance, is that something you would agree with?

Richard Kaufman: 26:23

Definitely. But I also think that, you know, I've learned in podcasting, now, I've been doing it three years now, you know, that you can only be intense for so long. You know, consistency will always trump intensity. You know, we all know, these, these flash in the pan, you know, these, like this TV shows that were hot for about about a year, and then they went into dump, then there's certain TV shows that have been on for 30 years, like Golden Girls, because they were consistent. You know, and I think a lot of people have a problem being consistent and showing up every day. You know, like, for me, I do a pie try to do a show a day, five shows a week. But like I went, my wife said, Honey, I want to go to Atlantic City for the night. You want to go? Hell yeah. You know, let's get the kids, let's go. Let's have a night out. Let's go have a nice dinner. So I kind of got aggravated, I could say, you know, I want to spend time with my family. So that's just a way of for me to say, Okay, I pivoted for the day. But now Tuesday comes, I'm back on the waggon. Again. Yeah.

Anne Okafor: 27:30

And that's the important part is, it's okay to do what you need to do in that moment. So it's okay to do what you need to do, go take that break with your wife, and then come back. But the important thing is getting back on the waggon on the Tuesday, just not saying oh, well, Monday's ruined. So that's the whole week up on this boat, you know, I know, we'll just not do anything till next Monday. And a lot of people get into that sort of cycle of self sabotage where we all well, you know, today, the mornings went wrong, the whole day is ruined, and everything's bad, you know, and then they let a week a day, turn into a week, and then a week turned into a month sometimes, you know, so it's, it's understanding that, you know, today, you can choose to do something different, it doesn't mean that you've went totally off plan, you can come back tomorrow, and, you know, start recording press record, again, go

Richard Kaufman: 28:17

do what I started thinking, I'm like, why am I doing all this? Why am I doing all these shows? It's so I can have that time. wife and my kids, you know, my children. So you know, that's when I it goes back to, you know, the, I get to, instead of I have to, you know, why are we doing all this stuff? Why are we doing these podcasts? You know, why are we doing all this stuff? It's so we can spend quality time with our loved ones, eventually, you got to work hard in order to get it to that level. But eventually, you're going to make it to where you're working less. And you have more time to spend time with the family. So

Anne Okafor: 28:51

yeah, absolutely. And it's just knowing what works for you. I think, you know, knowing what your end goals are, you know, if it is your end goal is to work less and have that time, then you need to put in the graft at some point. So, you know, maybe as long hours probably well, when you're starting out. And when you're building your careers, or when you're building your business or your podcast, you know, you do have to put in a little bit more effort at the start of these things, you know, and it's always expected. And, you know, I like your point about consistency as well, because, you know, it is so understated sometimes, but it is what makes a difference. You know, everyone can start out with great ideas and, you know, have all the brilliant stuff, but it is keeping going. It's keeping on keeping on, you know, and doing these things. And then one of my previous guests, she's a mountain climber and she said, You know what, no, we can all have the energy to get to the top of the mountain. That's only half the journey. You know, that other half and coming back down requires the same level of effort, but it's maybe not as exciting because you've done the really exciting thing you've got to the summit, but you need to remain consistent to ensure you get home get to the end goal, which is completing the mission. You know, and I think that sort of consistency point in coming down the other side of the mountain thing, you know, is the consistency portion, or we can all work really hard to one goal or many goals along the way. But the full mission, you know, is getting that career that you want and getting that work in less time, having more time with your family, at the end, you're going to constants are built in process, you need to work towards one goal at a time. And let you say that intensity, we can all do that we can all put a push on to get to a goal, we can all have the energy and the excitement to get to the top of the mountain. But that coming back down the other side is the is the difficult part and the consistency part. And you know, we can all probably use some work on that and, and learn and to keep going to reach the main end goals. So I want to talk a little bit about your podcast and your book a little bit. Because, you know, these are great things again, have come out of your experiences. So let's talk about your book first, because you mentioned that earlier on. And this is called the hero's journey.

Richard Kaufman: 31:04

Yep, it's available on Amazon. It's highly rated. I think we're like 4.9 stars. So obviously, I didn't make everybody happy. Somebody wasn't happy book. And I think the one person that left me a review, she left me like three stars was like, I liked it. She's like, but I just wish there was more of it. I was like, okay, so I guess I gotta write book to my book. It's about my life story. But at the end of each chapter, it's a teachable moment from that chapter. It's more of a teaching book, also, the last chapter are, what does depression look like? Not what you think it looks like? And what does addiction look like? It's not what you think it looks like. So I want for those last two chapters, is for people that you know, may have somebody in their family that's dealing with depression, or addiction or anything like that, and they don't know the telltale signs. Because not everybody knows the signs of depression, you know, not everybody knows the signs of addiction. So that's why the last two chapters I think, are the most important two chapters, because that's for people that are, can help, you know, forget the book and be like, Tony has been very quiet lately, he's been starting to give away a lot of his stuff, you know, or Tony has been very happy lately, he started working out, he got his hair cut, he's looking great, you know, people rise, both sides of that very equation can be depression.

Anne Okafor: 32:32

And I think a lot of people just think it's the downside, you know, they're, they're quiet and you know, being reserved, and maybe into yourself and maybe sleeping and lots people leave, you don't realise that there are different manifestations of that dependent on the person that you are, you know, dealing with at that time, you know, everybody's different in these sort of situations.

Richard Kaufman: 32:53

Yep. And like, a lot of people realise a reason why that person might be happy, you know, might be getting their hair cut, or starting to work out or whatever, because they know the end is coming. So they see an end at the end, light at the end of the tunnel, they know it's almost over. So they might get cheer up and you know, not be cheered up, but have that outward appearance of, oh, everything's okay, now. And then, you know, like, who would ever thought that night, Robin Williams wife, kiss them goodnight, was going to be the last night that he's been, you know, they're going to find him the next morning hanging out. Because, you know, nobody really knows, you know what depression looks like. So that's why I put those last two chapters in. So maybe we can save some lives. That's why I put those chapters there.

Anne Okafor: 33:40

No, and I'm sure that will help people and will save lives because people don't know, I mean, if you're not aware of it, and I think there's so much about the the downside of it. And you know how it typically I guess manifests for maybe a majority of people. That's the image that we get sold all the time in the media and in films and things like that. But like you say, there's stories of people like Robin Williams, who you would never know, you know, comedian are always happy always trying to lift other people. And you probably think you'd be the last person that would be suffering in that way. And it is important to realise that people around us may be suffering in those ways, even if it doesn't appear so. And you know, there are signs that you can maybe look out for, even for the people who appear to be okay, so I'm sure it will be very useful resource for people. And we will drop the link for that as well in the show notes so that if people want to access the book, they can do that. And he saw your podcast, vertical momentum. I love the title for this. It's really visual in terms of moving forwards moving onwards moving upwards, and certainly from your story. And you know, you've lived through that vertical momentum, I guess. Tell us more.

Richard Kaufman: 34:53

Well, I had another podcast and like I said, people that know me, I know. I'm very low tech on Not very good tech wise. So I just looked at the stats today, on my other podcast at another podcast called success, your y powers your how I had like 280 episodes, and I never put it on Apple. So now I go to put it on iTunes, they're like, You got 280 episodes, you're not going to put it on iTunes. So I figured, all right, let me start another show, just to get on iTunes. Yeah, so I started this show, and my friend Daniel is one that came up with a name. So I can't even take credit for it. But I figured let me start this show. And to get it on iTunes, and all the other, you know, Google and Siri and all that good stuff. And in the podcast is for people that are struggling in life, or and in business, because a lot of people, you know, especially during COVID, like in New Jersey, around here, I think we've had 100,000 businesses close. So I think, you know, resilience is also a good term in business. Because sometimes, like we were talking earlier, you maybe you had to pivot. You know, maybe you had to go from, you know, doing one thing, too. I know somebody right now, you know, they're making almost$1,000 a week, doing DoorDash. We're driving Uber Eats. So maybe sometimes you have to pivot. And so that's why I have a lot of guys, people that come on the show that are you know, 789, figure earners, authors, athletes, doctors, psychologists, anybody that has an interesting story, because I, you know, not every episode is going to be for everybody. Absolutely. You know, so that's why I can't wait to have you, you know, I can't wait to talk to talk about everything you do. Because you can hit people that I can't. Yeah, you know, and I think that's why my show is a little bit different, because it's anybody that's struggling in life, and or business. So it's kind of like, because usually, if you have a business, and it's struggling, you're going to struggle, mentally,

Anne Okafor: 37:05

absolutely. And it takes a toll on everything around you, you know, and your people, your relationships, their, you know, if you're struggling in your business, you're you're holding that for yourself, a lot of times, you know, or even if you're not, but the people around you, yourself, like you say mentally, but the people around you the relationships, you have your children, maybe feel the pressures that you bring him back as well, you know, it can have a wider impact as well, on your day to day.

Richard Kaufman: 37:32

Or even if you're sleep safe. If a person is struggling with addiction, eventually, it gets bad enough, you're going to start taking money from the business to feed the addiction. So now all of a sudden, now you have an addiction problem, and your business is about to go out. So you know, that's why I always think, you know, there's more than, for me, you know, there's, there's a couple of different parts of a person, you know, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, if one area is off, it's gonna throw the other three off, you know,

Anne Okafor: 38:09

talking about the resilience factor is that, you know, resilience is then if you have all these, one visual I really like about resilience is it's knowing which balls to drop, you know, and some balls are made of glass, and some balls are, you know, rubber balls, and they'll bounce back. Some of them are made of glass, and if you drop them, they're shattered, they're gone, you know, and that resilience point, you know, you said, You've got financial, you've got mentally, you've got physically you've got emotionally, spiritually, it's allowing for that lasticity, between those as well. And that, you know, if one of them is out of sync, the others need to be able to pick up the slack without all going off the radar, you know, so if you're, if you're having an issue, you know, maybe with addiction, and it's been able to manage the other aspects of you and your personality, your your mental well being your physical symptoms that you may be having from that, ensuring that there isn't that sort of need for financial input. And I guess when you're resilient, you learn how to balance these things. So that if one is suffering a little bit, you know, if you're having some mental issues, you know, your physical, your emotional, your spiritual, your physical, can maintain and maybe pick up the slack until you can get better with your mental health again, is that something you would agree with as well?

Richard Kaufman: 39:30

For me, you know, like, I was talking to a gentleman last week, that actually did shell shell about two releases when we were talking about it. You know, what good is it for a man or woman you know, because now, women CEOs are starting to, you know, take off now, but what good is it for you to have the big house, big car, the big pool, and then you come home at night to eat at an empty kitchen? Do you know and I think a lot of people think you know, well I got to get In my business 100% Yeah, but you know, what about your wife, and your children, like for me a couple months ago, you know, my wife was having a rough day, and she'd sat me down, she says, you know, rich, you're helping all these other people in the world. She's like, but you're not helping me, you're not helping the one that you see every morning across the kitchen table. So that's when I had to decide, you know, like my friend, John Joshua, that I'm on the show, just start, you know, make sure everything good is good at home, and then work my way out of working my way in, you know, and I think I think a lot of people who started thinking, you know, if you I mean, realistically, we're talking now, alright, like, I'd say, 5000 people are friends, on Facebook followers, whatever. And many of them are going to be on my deathbed, around me. For five, those are the important people. So you know, I think sometimes we have to start, you know, like I said, start building your life, and business and everything from the inside out. I think that's really kind of changed. And it's something I still struggle with, because, you know, I'm always wanting to, I want to do more interviews, I want to interview more people, I want to study more, my phone is always in my hand, and my six year olds, like, Daddy, you know, what, enough with the phone ring, you know, so that's something I still struggle with. But that's something that I'm working on to

Anne Okafor: 41:24

that it's okay to recognise that we need something to work on as well, you know, we're not going to be perfect overnight, and we do all have our, our things to work on, you know, I'm guilty of quite a lot of those things that you mentioned that as well, you know, wanting to study more and wanting to interview people wanting to do all this stuff, as fast as possible. And then sometimes things that I'm supposed to be doing, don't get done. And you know, we're all guilty of that, to some degree, I think you know, what it is, there's so much out there, you know, in terms of content, there's so much out there in terms of people that you can interview and talk to, and you want to get, you know, learn more, read more books, you know, do all these things, and they're all great things to do. But like it is that balance and making sure that, you know, we're looking after the people that are there, you know, that five or six people in our circle that that will be there for you at 3am ever shirts a fan? You know, I think that's, that's the important thing to remember. So, I mean, brilliant. I mean, you know, that's been a really great conversation. Richard, I've really enjoyed speaking with you. Just before we wrap up, what would be your three top tips for someone who is I guess, looking to build resilience, or maybe has a journey similar to you, and they're looking to, to break into that comeback? I guess?

Richard Kaufman: 42:42

Well, I guess no, go from three to one, three, I would say stay humble, and stay teachable. Because there are people out there like you like myself that if somebody asks us for help, maybe building their podcast or whatever, we're going to help. So and then you know, so a lot of times, we just are afraid to ask, ask for help. So you know, definitely stay humble and teachable. Number two, I would say, you know, I'm reading a book right now called presence. And it just talks about being present. In the moment, you know, don't worry about what I'm doing at 215, you know, or tomorrow or next week, be present in the moment. Because, you know, in real life, all we have is moments, you know, we don't have things because things don't matter. So you know, I say be present in a moment, then the last thing I always talk to people about is, today I decide are the three most important words in the English language, because when to make a decision, then all you have to do is act upon it. And the hardest part and changing in anything, is just making that decision. So that's what I would say, would be my top three,

Anne Okafor: 43:55

super, I mean, they're really great tips, you know, I think we can all learn about being more present that goes back to that, you know, we want to do more of we want to do this, we want to consume more content, we want to read more books. But actually, if you just take the time to be present in the tasks that you're doing, you can really be there, enjoy it, give it your all, give your family, your all your full attention when you're with them. Give your people that you're interviewing their attention when you're with them. Give your followers your attention when you're engaging with them. And I think that makes for more meaningful connections. We spoke earlier on about, you know, the social connection aspect of resilience. And I think having that meaningful relationships and meaningful connections makes much more of a difference than just sort of, you know, scratch and by. And today I decided I love that it's a starting point for me. It's about action. It's about deciding that you're not going to let the stories that we tell ourselves we're all guilty of that hold you back. It's about deciding to take action to make things better for yourself. I just love that because I really think that we can all take some inspiration from that. So, Richard, just finally, where can we find you online if our listeners would like to find you and your website but are you on socials are the podcast.

Richard Kaufman: 45:16

We're on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Tumblr, Flickr, Tik Tok, I'm everywhere, all you got to either hashtag, the comeback coach, or actually just type in vertical momentum, we got the first three pages of Google, so anybody can just find out what we're doing. And if anybody out there, if you're struggling, you can always message me on LinkedIn, I'm usually on LinkedIn, and Facebook, those are my top two. So if you message me, I'll help you however I can. If I can get you some resources, I will. And it's free. Always. Never a charge is always just paying it forward. So if you need help, you can message me, if you're a female, I'm going to find somebody to talk to you because I'm not going to talk to you. Because I got a wife and I'm keeping my wife you know, but I will find resources for you if you are struggling, so they can always reach out to me.

Anne Okafor: 46:13

Awesome. Oh, we'll put those links that you mentioned in the show notes as well so that people can connect with you, or find your amazing podcast and your book, if they're interested in finding out more. Richard, thank you so much for sharing your story of vertical momentum with us and you know, your a brilliant story of resilience and overcoming. We really appreciate you and appreciate you talking to us today. Thank you.

Richard Kaufman: 46:38

Thank you so much. And guys, just remember, vertical momentum the only way to go but up.

Anne Okafor: 46:44

Excellent. Thank you, Richard. So listeners, whether you're bouncing back from a challenge or storming forward to the next one, that determinant or collective is here for you. Stay remarkable to terminators.

Unknown: 46:57

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