HOST (Jennifer) (00:02):
We are speaking with Doris Hiffawi an Orthodox Arab Christian woman who had an arranged marriage when she was just shy of her 16th birthday. And this is an incredible story of female empowerment.
GUEST (DORIS) (00:45):
When I was in 10th grade, my mother-in-law came to my mom, knocked at the door. She said I want to take your daughter Doris to my son, Marcel.
HOST (Jennifer) (00:53):
In the 1980s, were arranged marriages common for Arab Christian girls?
GUEST (Doris) (01:00):
It’s typical because I grew up in a Muslim culture next to the Islam people. So we took a lot from their tradition. It means we ate, dressed, and think like the Arabs. And we are as Arab Christians also doing arranged married -- it was very normal at that time. But before my mother-in-law came, there were many other moms that knocked on my door that year. I was in an Arab beauty competition. So, 15 people knocked at the door to marry me. I'm talking about before 34 years ago -- it was normal. One friend was only 14 and I remember I was jealous of her. Why is she engaged and not me? I want somebody to come to take me. It’s not like today. Even when my husband came to take me to our marriage, it was for me to run away from the rules of my parents’ house.
HOST (Jennifer) (02:33):
Could you have gone to college?
GUEST (Doris) (02:36):
I studied until 12th grade. It was important for you to have an education so you could teach your kids how to read and write. But just until grade 12.
HOST (Jennifer) (02:59):
After 12th grade, was it expected that the girls get married?
GUEST (Doris) (03:15):
My friend was in ninth grade was she had her marriage arranged. We are so young, so young,
HOST (Jennifer) (03:33):
It was how it was done in your Arab Christian home, and it was typical correct?
GUEST (Doris) (03:43):
Absolutely normal!
HOST (Jennifer) (03:45):
What if you met your husband and after you were committed to marrying him and you decided -- you know this guy is kind of a turkey. Could you have changed your mind and said no?
GUEST (Doris) (03:55):
I'm not sure my mommy will accept a no from me. My husband's family was very high society, and it was prestigious for my mom to have her daughter marry into this family. So, for me, if I say yes, it's good business.
HOST (Jennifer) (04:15):
You saw the opportunity to marry a man in a high society family and you took it.
GUEST (Doris) (04:21):
Absolutely. It was a good idea.
HOST (Jennifer) (04:24):
A good deal for you. It worked out. What was the role of your in-laws in your marriage?
GUEST (Doris) (04:28):
When I got married, I realized I don't have a say in anything. I was expected to say: I should say: “Yes, sir.” To everyone older from m. They were in control of everything.
HOST (Jennifer) (04:45):
Your life was controlled?
GUEST (Doris) (04:46):
I didn’t have any self-confidence. My school was very strict. In your parent’s home, they decided you go to the bed at seven o'clock and at seven-thirty they shut the lights and you must go to sleep.
HOST (Jennifer) (05:07):
So people are controlling your life at the time?
GUEST (Doris) (05:10):
Constantly. Absolutely!
HOST (Jennifer) (05:25):
At 18 years old you are newly married. Your previous life was controlled by your mom and dad telling you when to sleep. And now that you're married, who controls your life now?
GUEST (Doris) (05:36):
My in-laws. I must not shame my mother-in-law.
HOST (Jennifer) (05:55):
So your mother-in-law was controlling the married Doris now. And the woman does something that's perceived as embarrassing to the family – then there is shame on the family?
GUEST (Doris) (06:17):
I can cook what I want. I can wear what I want. I choose my clothes. it was normal for us, for all the sister-in-law is that you should listen to your mother-in-law, to be at home, to be with your children, to teach them. After a few months, I remember it was a new year and they decided that we need to celebrate the new year in this restaurant. I told them; I don't want to go there. She said, Doris, we decided you should come in your dress. I said, Yes Sir.
HOST (Jennifer) (07:07):
Was the option of working possible for you?
GUEST (Doris) (07:17):
Not really. Who would clean? They because your home will never be clean if you don’t clean it. Yes, sir. I will be at home.
HOST (Jennifer) (07:29):
So, you continued to follow directions?
GUEST (Doris) (07:32):
Absolutely Okay. Well, what's even, I want to do something or say something. I can't, I'm the smaller one. I can talk. We are Arabs. When your son gets married you bring everything to your son. You buy a home or apartment. You buy more for your son than your daughter. So I give you everything to my son.
HOST (Jennifer) (08:15):
Does your husband have the same philosophy that he is most important?
GUEST (Doris) (08:24):
And I will tell him no I don’t want this, and he will say - Shut up.
HOST (Jennifer) (08:29):
So there's no possibility to say – hey we're equal?
GUEST (Doris) (08:35):
No.
HOST (Jennifer) (08:55):
How important is respect important?
GUEST (Doris) (08:57):
You must respect the parents. Your parents are proud – because their son respects them. It’s different today. I'm not sure my own sons will respect us like my husband respected his parents.
HOST (Jennifer) (09:26):
The generation changed. You are married 30 years. You have three kids. You have a girl. Who's how old?
GUEST (Doris) (09:33):
My daughter. She's 26. She's an architect and designer.
HOST (Jennifer) (09:37):
Did she go to college?
GUEST (Doris) (09:38):
Yes. Studied in college and she just got married at 26 years old.
HOST (Jennifer) (09:44):
Did she pick her husband?
GUEST (Doris) (09:45):
Yeah. She picked him and met him on Facebook.
HOST (Jennifer) (09:50):
Open. So you had nothing to do with her marriage? No,
GUEST (Doris) (09:53):
No! I can't even. I give her the privilege to choose whatever. Now nobody controls her. The life changed.
HOST (Jennifer) (10:08):
You also have twin boys.
GUEST (Doris) (10:11):
Giovanni and Anthony.
HOST (Jennifer) (10:15):
Do you like Italian plays or what?
GUEST (Doris) (10:17):
Everyone here has an international name.
HOST (Jennifer) (10:25):
I love the story that your dad loved Doris Day.
GUEST (Doris) (10:28):
My daddy loved Doris Day. So, he called me Doris.
HOST (Jennifer) (10:30):
You were 35, you had three kids, you are married to your husband. Your mother-in-law was still alive, correct? What happened to you at 35?
GUEST (Doris) (10:42):
So, life continues and I was married 20 years and it was enough of the control. I can't take it anymore. In 2008, I was building my personality. I cannot say one more time – “Yes, sir.” Enough of that. And I want to say yes without, yes, sir. I want to do something. My husband has a famous store in Jaffa. We are roasting coffee in Jaffa since 1,888. My mother-in-law had this sentence: your family who buy you and not sell you. I have a good life with my husband's family. But also in 2008, a movie was filmed in our neighborhood of Ajame. Back then this neighborhood was a very criminal place. And this movie talks about us and how we are living in this way. Ajami, this movie was nominated for an Oscar.
HOST (Jennifer) (11:55):
The neighborhood started to change because of this movie. So, what part of the movie was filmed in your neighborhood? How did that change your life?
GUEST (Doris) (12:22):
Tourists now came to our neighborhood to see where the movie was filmed. This is what started it all for me.
HOST (Jennifer) (12:24):
So visitors are now coming to what was a slum and are now a very expensive area in Jaffa. So your neighborhood becomes famous from the movie?
GUEST (Doris) (12:36):
Very famous! Tour guides were walking around the neighborhood with tourists.
HOST (Jennifer) (12:47):
You're seeing the cameras come down your street. And this is where I see your entrepreneurial spirit kick in. Doris says to herself, I'm 35, I'm going to be an independent woman. You saw an opportunity.
GUEST (Doris) (13:01):
I was building myself, but still, I'm not so confident.
HOST (Jennifer) (13:09):
No confidence yet. So Galled is a woman who appeared at your door, and she took you under her wing and decided that you should do something on your own.
GUEST (Doris) (13:20):
Galled had an idea for more tourism. She said that she wanted to get Arabs to open their homes in Jaffa and share their stories.
HOST (Jennifer) (13:37):
You saw an opportunity to open your home – share your story and make money.
GUEST (Doris) (13:50):
I said I will do it, but I'm shy.
HOST (Jennifer) (14:07):
Galled brought American tourists. So, 30 Americans knocked on your front door and sat in your living room to hear your story. Doris has no confidence. Did you speak English at that point? What was so interesting about Doris at this point?
GUEST (Doris) (15:07):
I don't know. I told them, please forgive me. I'm the first time you are in the group, first group. And I'm very, very shy. And they told me, Doris, you are amazing. I only spoke four sentences in English. So, we continued to prepare coffee and baklavas. I say to my husband - get the coffee. I will bring this group inside from the street. I start to bring a group in from the street. I see another tour group and ask who the guide is. I yelled – do you want coffee and baklawa. I did it over and over. We served over 2000 tourists for free. No money. I shared my story, and they drank their coffee. But I studied myself, what I need to do, and I was building myself. And my guests said I was good. But I need to fix this or that. In the end, I fixed myself 100%. And after 2000 for free -- I said, now I will take money.
HOST (Jennifer) (16:49):
You waited and you waited until you perfected your image and your script. And then so fast forward, 2021, you are actually a famous person. You have news crews in your home. You had Sarah Jessica Parker in your home. You had the Secretary of Defense of the United States Ashton Carter come to your home. You've had the mayor of big cities in Germany this week. The list goes on and on. I know the local press is just enthralled with you. What is Doris look like in two or three years? How, how are you going to grow this franchise? This Doris Inc.
GUEST (Doris) (17:23):
I love very much what I'm doing. I'm hosting people in my home. I talk about my area about myself, who I am, and my empowerment. I hope I will host Obama or Bill Clinton or someone very, very famous. And I know that I will do it. I feel that I have power when I was young, but it wasn't explored because I grew in the Arab culture. I will be 50 years very soon. I have confidence today and I know what I want.
HOST (Jennifer) (18:04):
I loved your story. Thank you for joining us this week on Finding Inspiration. Hey, I would appreciate it. If you would click on that subscribe button and share this podcast with a friend. See you next week. I'm Jennifer Weissmann.