(Comedy Country banjo music) 0:00

Big D 0:16
howdy y’all, welcome to Mosquito Springs Front Porch Crazy. Grab a drink from the ice chest and join us on the porch.

Bobby Ray 0:23
Hey, Big D, I couldn’t sleep the other night so I was watching the qvc shopping network. They got all kinds of weird stuff on there you don’t need but gotta have, you know. So anyhow, I was already up cause the dog was making all kinds of racket humping that badger under the porch again, and well qvc was boasting about a tooth water pick sale for $129. Well I reminded Nadine we already got one of those. 

Big D 0:53
Oh, boy.

Bobby Ray 0:54
Yep. Right there in the shower. You just set your shower head to fine spray and you can get all them chili chunks right out from between your any teeth you got. 

Big D 1:04
Oh, Bobby Ray.

Bobby Ray 1:06
No, I’m serious, it works. But, you see Nadine used the one in the RV when we was at one of them Yogi Bear RV parks and the water pressure was too high. It blew her dentures right out into the lake it did. We got lucky when we was out fishing later and this big bass we  caught on the fishing line had swallowed em you see. He had the biggest toothy grin out af any fish I ever did see, I tell you what.

Big D 1:38
(Laugh) 

Bobby Ray 1:39
Hey, speaking of the river. I took Nadine tubing down the river near New Braunsville and we had us a time. Nice cool water. Lazy flowing river. Each if us floating in a big old inner tube. Nadine on hers, me on mine and our dog, Chuck Norris, in his own of course. 

Big D 2:01
you took your dog tubing?

Bobby Ray 2:03
doesn’t everybody? And you can bet when we call “come on Chuck Norris” nobody messes with us. 

Big D 2:10
(laughs) I bet that’s right.

Bobby Ray 2:12
I tell you what! And we even gets some freebies and pri-hority seating when we tells people we’s got Chuck Norris with us.

Anyway, we had that cooler tube with the iced down Lone Star and cokes and all the snack goodies that we was all lashed up to.

Well we hits an undermatoe that sucked my cargo shorts right off (sucked sound)! And they was gone. And I was floating there au natural, hoping there weren’t any hungry fish looking for a big juicy red wiggler, if you know what I mean.

I was getting whistles and cat calls from the mermaids and Perl divers. But, Luckily, Nadine had an extra pair of shorts in her bag so I could end my em-bareassed perdicament.

The only problem was they was lady shorts and I couldn’t figure out how to work them. 

Big D 3:07
Oh, come on now.

Bobby Ray 3:08
I kid you not. Did you know the Button’s in the wrong place, and the zipper’s flipped in the opposite direction…I don’t know how women does it.

Big D 3:18
Well, did the legs cut your circulation off a bit?

Bobby Ray 3:20
(laughs) that ain’t all they almost cut off. There weren’t almost no room for my UPS package, either, if you know what I mean.

Big D 3:29
Hey, here comes Winston. (To Winston) Howdy, Winston. How’s it going?

Winston 3:33
hey, man. Just stayin cool. How about you guys? 

Big D 3:37
we were just talking about Bobby Ray’s tubing trip down the Guadalupe.

Winston 3:42
oh, that’s the perfect place to chill out, dude. Mind you I like chilling out at Hippy Hollow by Austin on the way down even better. I mean going commando is so freeing and nobody judges.

Big D 4:01
hey, Bobby Ray, being a clothing optional place, you would’ve fit right in at Hippy Hollow when your shorts got sucked off. (Laughs)

Winston 4:08
wait, what got sucked off where?

Bobby Ray 4:10
never you mind. Hey, Winston, I hear you’re working at the titty lifter factory now.

Winston 4:16
yea, man. The Double Barrel Bra Boutique has been really been good to me. Boy that job really lifts and separates the men from the boys.

Bobby Ray 4:28
I know that’s right. And I bet you’ve been working them double D shifts.

Winston 4:34
My cup does runneth over, man. 

Bobby Ray 4:38
Hey, I applied for a job there last week, but they said they didn’t have any thing they could squeeze me into. (Laugh)
Seeing them little Barbie Doll size bras they had in the lobby, i could see what they mean.

Winston 4:50
Oh, no, those are just samples so they can show you what they got.

Bobby Ray 4:55
we’ll, those lacy ones sure do that. I tell you what.

Big D 4:59
so what’ve they got you doing?

Winston 5:01
They’ve got me bringing in big bolts of fabric out of the warehouse to the cutting area with the forklift in the mornings and dressing the mannequins in the Green Room on the swing shift. It’s pretty cool, man.

Bobby Ray 5:16
why do they call it the Green Room?

Winston 5:18
‘cause it’s like green. 

Big D 5:21
I bet those mannequins get spooky at night.

Winston 5:24
nah, man. They’re not so bad, and they keep me company on my shift so I’ve got someone to talk to.

Big D 5:34
Well, as long as they don’t answer you.

Winston 5:37
Oh, but sometimes they do, man. And one of them told me the place is haunted. 

Big D 5:47
You’ve gotta be kidding me. The bra factory is haunted?

Bobby Ray 5:50
Excuse me, all you got from that was that it was haunted? He said them mannequins is talking to him, too. (To Winston) What’re you smoking in the Green Room?

Winston 6:02
no, man. I don’t smoke on the job. I take my work seriously. And anyway, it would mess up the suppleness of the bra and destroy that delicate floral bouquet. 

Bobby Ray 6:16
well, something sure smells here.

Winston 6:19
And there’s one that looks like Lady Gaga, so I call her “Lady Ganja”. She has that multicolor hair and smooth deeply tanned pale skin. And she’s witty and tells me to go after my dreams.

Bobby Ray 6:39
oh, brother.

Winston 6:40
well, man, she does. And she says she loves her name. 

Big D 6:45
how do you know it’s not just someone putting you on and throwing their voice into Lady Ganja?

Winston 6:52
no way, man. The Green Room is one of a few rooms in the factory where they have a status board that shows where people are when they’re on the property. On swing shift, it always shows just one and that’s me.

Bobby Ray 7:10
that does sound like it’d be hard for someone to sneak up on you.

Winston 7:13
that’s what I’m talking about, man. It’s just me on the monitor there. (Mysterious) Until one night last summer. I had just finished dressing up all the mannequins in the new summer Cozumel bra and panty line, and had just settled down for my snack break with Lady Ganja.

See I was eating a cup a soup and some homemade brownies, and she was like telling me about a store she worked at down in Cozumel before coming to the Bra Boutique. (Scary) All of a sudden, we heard some rumbling and the lights started flickering sort of like that Poltergeist movie. And Me and Lady Ganja just looked at eachother and instinctively grabbed eachother tight.

Bobby Ray 8:07
uh oh, they’s some grabbing going on here.

Big D 8:09
hush, just listen.

Winston 8:13
Now it was starting to get intense, man. The hair on the back of my neck was raising up and it felt real cold in the room, and we were both breathing cold fog breaths. Like it was freezing in there. I noticed another blip besides myself showing up on the status board. Then a couple more…a few more…and bunch more and they were all converging on me and Lady Ganja in the Green Room.

Bobby Ray 8:45
boy, that’s getting crazy.

Winston 8:47
I know, right? A couple of the round tables started spinning and lifting off the ground and the sample bras flew off the tables right above our heads and across the room where they stuck into the wall like a knife somebody had thrown. (Making fx of bra fling and hit.) Like “voom”“swish” “twingggg”! 

Bobby Ray 9:13
that’s some pretty scary stuff there!

Winston 9:15
you should have seen the Look on Lady Ganja’s face, man! Se was so surprised! Then she yelled at me to duck as more steely bras flung off the tables and I hit the dirt like a fresh muffin. Suddenly, it was all over. I looked around and the room was a mess, but worst of all, a metal bra was stuck in Lady Ganja’s neck…and her head fell off!

Big D 9:50
Oh, no! what’d you do? 

Winston 9:53
I’m not really quite sure, man. Because everything was a blur after that. The room went all foggy and cold and I couldn’t see anything for a while. When the mist lifted, everything was back where it started, only one dot was on the monitor, and Lady Ganja’s beautiful head was back on her lovely shoulders. I was so relieved.

Bobby Ray 10:27
I’ll be dang, it was all a dream, then.

Winston 10:31
No, man, that’s what I was starting to think, too. But as I got closer to Lady Ganja’s face, her regular smile had changed to a grin and their was a real wet tear running from her eye.

Big D 10:51
so maybe she did save you from the ghosts that night.

Winston 10:54
without a doubt, man. Without a doubt. And we’re planning a trip to Cozumel to unwind and celebrate after that one.

Bobby Ray 11:02
even I can’t blame you for that. I wish y’all some happiness there, I tell you what.

Big D 11:08
Absolutely.

Bobby Ray 11:09
Today’s episode brought to you by Amy’s Skunk-be-gone for getting rid of that just skunked bouquet. If the dogs run from you when you comes in from the field, it’s time for Amy’s Skunk-be-gone. Now available in mesquite bar-b-q.

Big D 11:22
Well, that wraps it up for this week. Y’all join us up again next time on Mosquito Springs Front Porch Crazy. Thank y’all for coming by.

Announcer 11:31
Mosquito Springs Front Porch Crazy and it’s characters were created and performed by Michael Sessums. Be sure to like our podcast and come back next week for more of our crazy stories. See ya then.

(Comedy country banjo music) 11:44