Childhood Trauma IS Betrayal Trauma, with LaNiece Smith

As I sat across from LaNiece Smith, I couldn't help but reflect on the hidden scars of childhood trauma and how they've shaped not only my life but the lives of countless others. This episode is a journey through the heartache of betrayal and the courage it takes to heal those wounds. With LaNiece's profound expertise, we dissect the complex layers of childhood experiences that linger into adulthood, often unrecognized, affecting our self-perception and relationships. Together, we shed light on the importance of confronting these issues head-on for a chance at reclaiming the joy and fulfillment that is every person's birthright.

Feeling overwhelmed by societal expectations is a common thread in many of our lives, and that's why this conversation delves into the power of self-talk. The narratives we create can either chain us to our past or liberate us into a future brimming with potential. By sharing personal stories and professional insights, we navigate the murky waters of self-criticism and emerge with tools for building a resilient identity founded on truth. Listen as we discuss somatic practices and the embrace of gratitude, and learn how to transform the wisdom gained from our struggles into a source of strength.

To wrap up our powerful session, we extend our heartfelt appreciation to LaNiece for her guidance and invite you to connect with her online, where she continues to shine a light on paths to healing. I encourage you to become part of our community, where support and growth go hand in hand, and where each story of triumph becomes a beacon for those still navigating their way out of trauma's shadow. This isn't just another conversation; it's a stepping stone to a life where gratitude is our compass and where every emotion is acknowledged, understood, and honored.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 2:33

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you have tuned in. Today. Let's keep talking about how to heal from B-Trail Trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle. This is a podcast where we talk about trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with B-Trail Trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves, so that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you and even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Aaron Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live truly live free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey, everyone, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle, really excited to have you guys here today.

Speaker 1: 5:14

I have with me today Lenea Smith. Now Lenea is a childhood trauma expert. She really works a lot with people who are dealing with stuff that have happened to them in their childhood and even though, like they may have had a fantastic childhood, there's still things that we misunderstand as a child. There's things that we don't know just because our brains are not completely developed yet. We take understanding and misunderstanding and things throughout our life and we carry them with us clear into adulthood, into our relationships.

Speaker 1: 5:57

Oftentimes and it's something that I've noticed too as I've been coaching women and even men now through betrayal, trauma and addiction and all these problems it's often rooted somewhere in this childhood trauma. I really felt like this was a great topic to bring to you, my audience, to help you understand more about your trauma, why it's happening and what we can do to help resolve it so you can actually get to a healing place. Thank you, lenea, for being here. Tell us a little bit about what parts of your story you'd like to share, and just so my audience can kind of understand you a little bit.

Speaker 2: 6:45

Thank you, erin. Yeah, so I actually did not know I had childhood trauma until I was an adult. I had no memory of it. I thought I lived a very happy life, but as I really look back, I realize that it wasn't that happy. I thought depression all the time and didn't understand why. I think that happens a lot when you experience childhood trauma that your brain doesn't know how to process it and it can get stuck and sometimes sit in a way for years before those memories come forth. When you have memories come forth, it's shocking, like how could that have happened? Am I making it up? Why am I thinking this way? And when someone who loves you very much, or is supposed to love you very much, and causes trauma to you, there's so many conflicting emotions, yeah, and so you can get stuck in that cycle of I'm not good enough, I'm not loved, even though you're told that.

Speaker 1: 8:04

Or even just sometimes believed it. You know what I mean, because we all have different experiences growing up. Some people have really, really supportive parents who love them, nourish them, are there for them, and then there's some people who have felt completely and utterly abandoned by their parents, right, and even like there's no really rhyme or reason. It's just simply how we interpret a certain situation, and I'm not saying like to my listeners, it's all in your head. That's totally disrespectful.

Speaker 1: 8:40

No, there's a reason why you feel the way you do. There's a reason why you've taken something to believe this way, and one of the reasons why is because, when you're a child, it's built within you to trust adults, right, like you need adults to survive, right, and so we need to trust them, we need to rely on them. And so, because we know this from infancy, when something goes wrong and this is what happens in the child's psyche when something goes wrong and that child feels badly, well, it can't be the adult's fault, because I have to trust them, so therefore it has to be, something with me Right.

Speaker 2: 9:32

Right, yeah, you feel like it's all your fault, that maybe you did something that caused them to treat you that way.

Speaker 1: 9:41

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or even you did something that not just even caused them to treat you that way, but like caused the problem, caused the perception caused. Whatever it is, it's got to be your fault, right? And like there's not a parent out there that doesn't leave scars on their kids, and stuff like that. And I want to be very clear that it's not always a parent's fault either.

Speaker 1: 10:11

Right Sometimes the parents really did everything they possibly could do, everything correctly, and the child still comes out with all of this trauma. Right, just because we're in life right now. Right, but it is still so incredibly important to resolve that childhood trauma. So how does childhood trauma relate to betrayal trauma?

Speaker 2: 10:36

now, so well, you have this adult that loves you or you feel you know you've totally trust them, and then they do something to harm you or cause you some trauma You're trying to figure out do I trust them, Do I not? Do they love me or do they not For me? I trusted parents totally, 100%. Whatever they said was like the truth, right, it was gold, right. And I think most children are like that. They trust what they're being taught.

Speaker 1: 11:20

They trust that they're going to be treated good and that mom and dad have my best interest in my life and yeah, mom and dad have their best interest, and.

Speaker 2: 11:34

But we have this core truth inside of us that we're born with, knowing if something feels good or not. Yes, yes, I do. It doesn't feel good. Our brains can't figure out why, especially when we're very, very tiny Like it doesn't feel good, but they say they love me. So, that you know there's conflict Like what does this mean? And sometimes it takes years to figure that out.

Speaker 1: 12:16

Right, right, right, and you see that you know, like coming up in our adult relationships too, right, I know for me, you know, I look back at my parents and stuff and I can say, like they tried so hard, right, yeah, they really did, and there's a lot of good things I learned from them. There's some not so good things I learned from both of them and you know that's a fairly normal thing, right, like, like I said, nobody's free of childhood trauma and oftentimes not oftentimes all parents leave scars on kids, even I, and I'm I think I'm a pretty good parent, right, I really do, but, but I still leave scars on my kids because I am living a mortal life. But you know, I remember having some really deep seated childhood trauma. There was definitely some abuse that happened, right, right, and those thoughts that that seated, that seated inside of me. They were able to grow and develop and then went years and years and years without being unchecked, right, like, like, without being taken care of and without even realizing that they were there because I was so used to them, right, and so I get into my adult relationships.

Speaker 1: 15:47

I have now well, I don't now, but I had people that were toxic in my friendships, right? People constantly like mowing me over, wouldn't let me say something, constantly interrupting me, right? And I was just like okay, I'm just taught to sit down and be quiet, right? Not say anything. I don't have a voice, right?

Speaker 1: 16:16

All of a sudden it comes up, yeah, and we hear things like we get this from colleagues, like neighbors, right, and you know, even my husband blesses heart. Love him with all my heart and soul. But I can see now that some of the things that I looked for were things that were not necessarily healthy but comfortable to me in these adult relationships, right.

Speaker 1: 16:45

Even my husband, and so you know, one of the biggest things I personally had to do when dealing with my own betrayal trauma because I just couldn't handle it at one point, right, I couldn't do it anymore One of the major things that I had to look to was actually my childhood trauma and where I can see, like my earliest memory of being traumatized as a child right, right, and because I could see like, oh, there's that path, right, like here's where, here's kind of where this whole thing started. And now I'm seeing this major, major path to where I'm at now. So yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:28

What do I need to do to heal that? Right, and we're going to get into that a little bit more in depth as we continue this podcast, right? But so, in layman's terms, let's discuss really quickly what is childhood trauma.

Speaker 2: 17:48

Trauma is anything that does not feel good. It could. There's so many different forms. You could be in a group of kids and be rejected and not. They don't want to play with you. That can be traumatic for you. It's just not abuse. You can have accidents, you know you fall down, get hurt you.

Speaker 2: 18:19

Some trauma can form from that. I just know, like talking to one of my siblings. They had an injury or cut something and he remembers my parents saying it's blood poisoning, it'll kill you if we don't get help. But they didn't go to the doctor immediately because they had to wait for an appointment. So he believed that they wanted him to die because they didn't take him to the doctor immediately. Now he was young, he was probably like four or five years old and that's carried to his adult life. Like they don't love me enough to take me to the doctor. Now they want me to die. And it's just interesting how a child can think that they don't understand the big picture and so they take one little experience and dwell on how that made them feel and it carries on over the years.

Speaker 1: 19:18

Okay, I would maybe include in that description that you know, emotions are definitely a big piece of trauma, right? Because you know society in general teaches us that. Well, yeah, just society in general. We learn that emotions are scary, emotions are bad, right, and that we need to stay as far away from emotions as possible. But what that actually tends to do is keep us stuck in negative emotions but numb us to them, and so we never really get the ability to feel joy, excitement, peace, prosperity, like love, like all these beautiful emotions that we actually do want to feel. We're stuck actually in the negative emotions when we say we don't want to feel, right?

Speaker 2: 20:21

Yeah, definitely stuck.

Speaker 1: 20:25

It's not something that doesn't necessarily feel good. I think it's more or less that we take what doesn't feel good and we assign a meaning to it.

Speaker 1: 20:33

Right, I think that's kind of more like what trauma is, because, yes, it definitely starts like not feeling good, right, but it's the way we think about it that creates the trauma, right? So, for example, you know a story I love to share and you know my listeners know this at this point that you know I went. Let's see, I've had three traumatic car crashes, right, never had a ticket. I'm a good driver, really I am okay, but I've never, never, quite healed from that. Like even just going and getting on the freeway now, right here in Utah, I'm like a little bit like white knuckling it, constantly on guard, like looking for everything. It's brought some good things to me too, because I can see anything that moves at night, like literally anything, right. So I've never had a deer and my husband and my kids are all like how can you like see all that? I'm like trust me, like this is like trauma, makes you hyper aware.

Speaker 1: 21:47

It's what it does right and so like it's something that stored in my body. But my brother-in-law had a traumatic car crash too. He fell asleep behind this, behind the steering wheel of a truck, and crashed into the side of a mountain going 75 miles an hour. Right, and totally like accordion that truck, and he was stuck in there. But yet to him, you know, after he got out of the hospital he got back in the car and just drove home, right, it was like no big deal to him, but to me I'm still like just getting in a car still gives me just that teensy bit of anxiety, right, and it's because of what I've like, the belief I've taken on right.

Speaker 1: 22:38

My brother-in-law does not have that same belief. He's confident in the car. Yeah, Isn't that interesting, right. And so like, when I say, when I say, like you know, our emotions are there, I think more or less to kind of give us, to get our attention right, and this is not something like I can tell a child, like you know, my five-year-old, my two-year-old, even my nine-year-old he's almost 10 actually but even him, like they don't quite 100% conceptualize that that right. But to us, when emotions are coming up, I think they do, they get our attention to a bigger problem.

Speaker 1: 23:24

Yes, makes sense, and this is why I think it's really important that you know when we're defining trauma. Yes, it's definitely has that emotional component, but it also has that thought process component to it, as well, yeah, a lot depends on how the people around you responded when you went through something traumatic.

Speaker 1: 23:49

So, that affects you big time. It does. It does. You know? I think about like just that one thing you said. Like my son yesterday, he's the sweetest, best kid ever, but he's also known for having really big reactions to really big emotions, right. And so, like there's a good chance that he feels abandoned sometimes by me when he's having those big reactions, right. But I have to tell him constantly honey, I can't understand you, I can't hear you when you're having this big reaction, right. What I really need is for you just to come and talk to me so I can help you then. Okay, because I can't help you if you're freaking out.

Speaker 2: 24:37

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:39

So, but that brings to illustrate, I think, that point again that you know you can have a really good parent we still like the meaning we take is what creates the childhood trauma. You know what I mean? Yeah, so you know, being aware and stuff like that, I totally agree with you. I think that being aware of those thoughts and those feelings are so key in realizing how they transmute into our relationships now. Um, how does understanding our childhood trauma, how does that help us actually start to heal ourselves as an adult?

Speaker 2: 25:34

Well, you need to understand it and know how it has affected you. So for me, going through childhood trauma, I would not feel my emotions. It was not safe. It was not safe for me to express emotions Right Growing up and then even in my marriage it was not safe, and so I would learn to just stuff them like, okay, I'm not going to deal with them. And that was something I had to learn was to feel emotions like, really think about how am I feeling and why. And for me, that was the first step to start taking was why am I feeling and why? And so then you just start building on that and realizing you know what. It's okay to feel angry, yeah, it's totally okay.

Speaker 1: 26:39

Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 2: 26:40

And you know it's okay to feel happy, it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to have emotion and it's okay to express it Right, and I think childhood trauma really affects that emotional processing. Yes, so I think that's really the root that you have to go to in order to heal. You have to be able to verbalize well, I feel this or I felt this, and this is why. But you don't have to stay in that feeling either. You can learn to move forward and make a change in your life by feeling emotions and then letting them go. And that's one thing I really work on is helping people that call those negative emotions and start bringing in positive Right, because when we get overwhelmed with the negative, we're more likely to lose our temper.

Speaker 2: 27:49

Every little thing affects us majorly. We'll have a big response instead of a small response, and so learning to deal with the emotions.

Speaker 1: 28:03

Yeah, I love that because I think that's something that a lot of adults not just something that I think it's actually statistically proven that a lot of adults struggle with that one thing Right. And you know, looking at my own kids, you know I've got six kids I even see them struggling with big emotions and stuff just because it is uncomfortable. We don't want to sit and be angry. We don't want to sit and we want to get through it as fast as possible and just be done with it, right. But like I like what you're saying here, that you know sitting in it for a minute, you can ask yourself questions like how long have I felt this way?

Speaker 2: 28:45

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 28:45

Well, what a beautiful question, Right. You can often again like it takes you down a path of, like memories, memories that have come up over and over and over again, that have proven something, some sort of thought to you, right, so like for me, this, the feeling of being rejected, right, right, you know, with my husband's struggles, I definitely felt a lot of rejection with colleagues, some of them actually tried to sabotage my job. Oh, there we go. There's that rejection in college. I had roommates that rejected me. I had some rejection from professors. I had rejection from friends in high school, rejection from peers in elementary school, rejection from mom, right, and whoa, look at that, like I just totally was able to find that path.

Speaker 1: 29:56

Yeah, I was able to go back to why I felt that way for so long. And so, like, when you ask yourself, like how long have I felt this way, right, you'll often find yourself going clear back into trauma. That's a question I love asking my clients like, right, how long have you felt this way? Because then we can actually start to address, like, like, the root of this, like where it actually started, right? But the other piece that I love also asking is just because this was the experience, and you've experienced this over and over and over again Does that mean it's true, right? Just because you see, like like here's a good one to illustrate that we live in a highly sexual society. Like it's very over sexed, right?

Speaker 2: 30:52

Right.

Speaker 1: 30:53

And so you see billboards of women in skimpy clothing and perfect bodies right, and magazines with women with perfect bodies and perfect body. Perfect body you see it everywhere. Does that mean it's true Like?

Speaker 2: 31:10

yeah.

Speaker 1: 31:10

I'm sorry, but women age right, they're all different sizes and shapes and shapes and sometimes, like everybody's going to have some type of flaw right. There was this statistic somewhere that everybody had some type of a birthmark right Somewhere on their body. That means that there's some type of a flaw there, or a mole, or you know spots, age spots like like we're going to gray. That's the actual truth. So why do? Why have we taken that? That one image is the only image that's beautiful Was because we've latched onto a lie.

Speaker 2: 31:53

Well, they make it look fun exciting. Right, yeah and yeah, but it's so unrealistic.

Speaker 1: 32:03

It is so crazy unrealistic, right, it is. But you know, not saying that our woman's only purpose is to bear children and raise them right, like that's a beautiful purpose, don't get me wrong. I am so grateful I was able to do that. But just bearing children and raising them right, it takes a toll on a woman's body and it's never going to look that way again. A lot of those images aren't real. They're AI'd or airbrushed right, a lot of them, yeah, and so you know. It just kind of illustrates the point that just because we've experienced something over and over and over again doesn't mean that it's true. Right, we actually have to anchor into what is actually true. What do we actually know, right? Right, what is actually universally true? What is true on this planet and the planet in the next galaxy, like, what is true? And when we start asking those kinds of questions, we can actually start finding the universal truths to help us heal this childhood trauma, like, start unraveling it that has caused us all this stuff, you know clearing into our adult life, right?

Speaker 1: 33:30

So I know you mentioned, you know that there's a lot of different tools, a lot of different things that you love to do to help people. You know that heal that inner child, that childhood trauma. There's a few things that I like to do too, because obviously, like this is something that comes up a lot in my work too, right, so talk to me about some of the methods you use with your clients and like how that helps them process and remove this childhood trauma.

Speaker 2: 34:00

Okay, so first thing is identifying their emotions and where it's coming from and why, and then being aware of the self-talk. How am I talking to myself every day and just becoming aware of it and then, okay, I'm doing negative self-talk. What do I do with that? And for me it's simple just say cancel that out and think something positive. And it takes practice.

Speaker 1: 34:33

Yeah, it does. And you know, again like looking for the truth. But you know what's really interesting? I love that point because you know, I ask women all the time, you know that reach out to me. I'm like, how is your self-talk? And I'm like, oh, it's fine, it's great. Then I get them on a call, I'm listening to them and they're like so mean to themselves, right, yeah, realize, we don't even realize that.

Speaker 2: 34:56

We have no idea sometimes what we're doing.

Speaker 1: 34:59

Right, we totally don't. But it's that inner child that's sitting there like trying to keep their world together. That's that self-talk. Right, that's how they are and they're panicking and they're freaking out and they're stressing in their leg, right, that's that negative self-talk, and that's one of the reasons why we ask that question is simply because we want to really hear what is going on Like that negative talk is so telling it really really is.

Speaker 2: 35:35

And it actually comes so naturally. Yeah, it does. Don't realize you're doing it until you start really trying to stop it.

Speaker 1: 35:45

Yes, yes, you're so totally right. So this is one of the reasons why I say, okay, let's actually take a look at the truth of the matter. Right, for me, I anchor into God. Well, god doesn't make mistakes, so he makes miracles. So if I'm his greatest creation, what does that make me? Yeah, beyond a miracle, right, no-transcript, like, you've got to look into what your foundational truths are and build from there.

Speaker 2: 36:20

Okay, because if you're sitting here.

Speaker 1: 36:24

It's kind of like this Like if you're going to build a home, like you're going to put the foundation up, right, and then you're going to build, start putting the boards up, but if you're going to hammer every single nail in with an axe, right, you're going to have a hard time building that, that mouse.

Speaker 2: 36:43

Yes.

Speaker 1: 36:44

It's going to take a long time. A really long time, right, you need to make sure that you're taking the time, like she's saying here, to really consider what you're nailing that house in with.

Speaker 2: 36:58

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 36:59

If you're going to hack at yourself with an axe, you're going to feel weak, you're going to feel like unfinished, unresolved undone.

Speaker 2: 37:09

Uh-huh, right, that's why we're having a hard time.

Speaker 1: 37:12

We're having a hammer. We don't use an axe to build a house, right? So I love what I love that piece and it's so incredibly important. So, my listeners, even if you think you've got really, really great self-talk, but yet you're still feeling like something's missing, something's not quite right, like your relationships aren't showing up to support you. Maybe you're feeling like the black sheep. I totally get that. But let me tell you, if you're feeling like the black sheep, you're also somewhere telling yourself you're the black sheep.

Speaker 2: 37:48

Yeah, and I think you have to realize you're not the only one that feels that way. No, we look at society at the very best and compare ourselves to everyone else's very best, which is, you know what? No one is at the very best all the time.

Speaker 1: 38:09

No, so Absolutely. And that's so true, you know, and I think this is another reason to be really aware of your emotions again, yes, because everybody, like you're saying everybody is not always on their best, unless if you're Christ.

Speaker 2: 38:35

Right.

Speaker 1: 38:36

But when you sit there and you sit with the emotion for just a few minutes, number one, it'll burn out within 90 seconds as long as you're not retriggering it, right? But, number two, you're accepting the wisdom, you're accepting what it is that we're learning, and we're also starting to understand that this is a universal language, right.

Speaker 2: 39:00

Yes.

Speaker 1: 39:01

Like, I have a great friend from Africa and I actually was just talking to him today and we were talking about this whole idea of emotions, right, triggering us and how, when we push them away, we're actually resisting education, we're resisting wisdom, we're resisting truth, we're resisting joy as well, even if joy is attached to negativity often and so we resist those things. Right, we're pushing those things away, but this is a universal language, my friend, he knows quite a bit of English, but you can still tell like it's not 100% there, right? Right, I'm learning Spanish, but I am in no way fluent at it. Right, but my friend and I can both understand sadness. My friend and I can both understand anger. My friend and I can both understand joy. Somebody that's Spanish, right, that is very fluent in Spanish and not so much in English. They can understand sadness, they can understand joy. They can understand these things because it's a universal language.

Speaker 1: 40:14

Emotions are there to get our attention yes, you know what I mean To just something Like something's not right, something's going wrong. Right, it's an invitation to get curious, but instead we're pushing it away, right? Yeah, that's all it is. It's just a simple invitation to get curious. And the other beautiful thing about this is because it's a universal language and it's something that God himself understands. He understands these emotions. He also communicates to us through them, every single one. Yeah, this is why emotions bring so much wisdom is because when we sit in them and we allow them, it doesn't mean we act on them. It's the action that becomes bad, not the emotion. Right, right, when we sit and we just let them be. Don't try to push them away, right, we just experience them. Give your time to feel, yes, give yourself some time to feel these things, right, yep, that's why we also start gaining immense wisdom is because we are, in that moment, aligning ourselves with the universe. Universal truth.

Speaker 2: 41:34

Yeah. So yeah, I like with my grandkids, if they walk in and they're sad, I'm like I ask them are you feeling sad today? And that will help them identify. Well, yes, I am. I said did something happen that make you feel sad? And just ask them. Just ask them questions, say, help identify their emotion and why. But then I also teach them you have a choice. You now have a choice to choose the emotion you want to have. Do you want to still feel sad? And sometimes they'll say, yes, they do.

Speaker 2: 42:14

And that's okay, and for me, okay. I'm feeling sad, but do you want to want to stay here? Well, no, I don't. I want to feel happy. So what do I need to do to feel happy? Well, I think about my grandkids giggling and laughing. That makes me happy.

Speaker 1: 42:34

Right, I love my kids when they live, so and then choosing how you're going to respond.

Speaker 2: 42:39

Okay, how am I going to respond? If I feel angry, am I going to step back before I blow up on someone? Can I train myself to stop and just feel, figure out why, knowing that you probably love this person and you don't want to cause them harm? So how am I going to react? You have a choice in how you react. You have a choice in the emotion you want to feel. So it's just coming down to training yourself.

Speaker 1: 43:23

And leaning into your agency, what a beautiful and knowing it's okay to have all these different emotions.

Speaker 2: 43:32

It's good.

Speaker 1: 43:35

I love what you're saying here. You know the idea that sitting in your emotion also gives you the clarity with how to use your agency in the very most powerful and best way. Yeah, right. Well, that's a concept right there, right, yeah, sitting in your emotions gives you agency, yeah.

Speaker 2: 44:01

And.

Speaker 2: 44:01

I think it brings you canin your relationships you can think about, okay, they just reacted. So, for example, one day I called my husband at work and he just laid into me. I'm like, oh my gosh, and I got so angry that I hung up on him and so, but here it is, at several hours and I'm thinking, okay, I have a choice. How am I going to respond? What is happening in his life right now that's making him angry? It most likely has nothing to do with me. And so I made a choice and I'm glad I had a couple hours to think about it. So when he came home, I gave him a hug and I said you must have had a really hard day today. And he's like, yes, I did, and he went into it and he was able to verbalize it. But if I had, if he'd come home and I got angry at him, he would have got angry back at me and it would have gone on and on for hours.

Speaker 1: 45:08

Right or days even.

Speaker 2: 45:10

Or days, yeah, so it's up to us to diffuse the situations, having some understanding that maybe whoever we're with is struggling with some emotions.

Speaker 1: 45:25

And thoughts right.

Speaker 2: 45:27

Absolutely, absolutely and, like someone told me, think of the other person as if they're doing the best thing they can at this moment, the best they know how at this moment, because you have no idea what they went through the trial, you have no idea what's happened today, you have not walked in their shoes and, yeah, there's times where we all lose that right. Oh yeah, and that's normal.

Speaker 1: 46:00

But just to have more compassion for others, oh yes, compassion is never going to be a bad thing, right.

Speaker 2: 46:09

But I also want to mention.

Speaker 1: 46:10

It's also okay to say you know, please don't talk to me that way again right, yeah, right. I don't appreciate the way that that came out, but you know I do want you to feel safe talking to me. I'm here to listen to you if you're having a bad day right. And also I'm here to listen to you. If you do have things that I need to work on, like I do want to work with you, right, but I can't hear you. If you're going to yell and scream and just you know, come after me right, yeah.

Speaker 2: 46:45

Like I've worked with my children like they were very angry, upset, and every time as we were talking and it was very heated sometimes, it would always go back to childhood trauma every single time and I'm like that's the cause, right there. Oh yeah, okay, what are we going to do with that?

Speaker 1: 47:09

Right, right and it's usually something anchored in that and I agree with you like pornography addictions, addiction to drugs, addiction to control, addiction to your own hormones, right, right. Like it all stems down actually to something we've learned in childhood, it's so true. So what are some other things you teach them about? Because, like, I love this whole idea of being like aware of your emotions that's like so key and aware of your thoughts so key yeah.

Speaker 2: 47:39

What are some?

Speaker 1: 47:40

other things you teach.

Speaker 2: 47:42

So the other thing I teach is gratitude. Oh, I love that Gratitude for the experiences you're having. What can I learn from this experience? What can I learn from this experience of abuse? What has it taught me? How do I change my life because of it? Am I growing from it or am I letting it pull me down? The gratitude like gratitude for the gifts God gave me for my brain to do what it did. It was a gift from God that I did not remember my childhood traumas and I didn't remember until I had the support I needed to work through it. I'm grateful for that.

Speaker 1: 48:34

Yeah, and sometimes, as I've been studying trauma a lot of times, therapy will tell you okay, let's talk it out, talk it out, talk it out. But oftentimes just thinking about it and talking about it just reterquers you over and over and, over and over again, and this is why we use other methods, like the somatic practices like getting trauma out of your body. Rolling around, moving, Walking is so healing for trauma victims.

Speaker 1: 49:06

Yes, I love walking and working through trauma, same here and because it's somatic, it actually starts activating both sides of your brain, right?

Speaker 1: 49:14

And getting your brain to actually work as a whole, and so that's one of the reasons why it's so important. But I also love this idea of gratitude. Right, right. I love actually being grateful for the struggle. Like what? How can you be grateful for betrayal? How can you be grateful for childhood trauma? How can you be grateful for debt, for crying out loud? How can you be grateful that your house got repossessed on Christmas? How can you be grateful for those things, right, right. But here's the deal If we go back to that, if I will just sit in my emotions for just a minute, I'm going to learn wisdom, right, and that wisdom is valuable.

Speaker 2: 50:04

It is there you go, You've learned and then you can help someone else go through yes. Yes, and you learn the skills. You know what works for you. They just might work for them too.

Speaker 1: 50:16

Well, you know, I had a really interesting conversation with somebody a couple of days ago. They asked me what makes you different than a therapist? Like, obviously, I don't have a therapy degree, right, I went to school, I studied to be an elementary education major, right? Yes, with that came a lot of psychology. I had to have a lot of psychology classes because you have to understand childhood trauma. You have to understand what's going on with a child in order to be able to help them in the very best possible way you have to.

Speaker 1: 50:54

But what we learn, our needs as a child are still our needs as an adult. What we learn as a child, we have to carry through to adulthood. Right, and so it was a really interesting thing for me to see those things. But what I told her I said the reason why I'm powerful is because I've lived this hell, right, I have lived that trauma. I've lived it and suffered majorly, major, major, major pieces.

Speaker 1: 51:31

I've suffered and then healed it, and not saying I didn't go to therapy. I did, but it wasn't until I really started understanding a lot of these basic principles there's a lot of them like you and I are talking about right now that I started actually healing. Therapy was great, but the minute I was done with therapy, I went back home and I was right back to square one, sometimes even less than square one, right, but as I sat in the emotions, I allowed myself to fill them. What I realized is I actually had a deep wisdom inside of me. That wisdom was valuable. Therefore I must be valuable. Look at, all of a sudden, like my thoughts starting to change, naturally, right.

Speaker 2: 52:31

Right.

Speaker 1: 52:32

And beautiful, beautiful things from all emotion, even anger. If it's turned against yourself or your kids or your allies, right Then it becomes dangerous to you. But if you turn that anger against your enemy like the adversary, hint, hint, hint right.

Speaker 1: 53:01

Now, all of a sudden, you became dangerous. You're evil. That's the thought. Right Emotions are good. I love this. I love what you're saying. You know, and learning the art of gratitude gives you also this deep wisdom and it starts to shift, it starts to change and you start to actually learn and accept truth. And that learning and accepting truth gives you that deeper wisdom.

Speaker 2: 53:31

Yes, like so. We all have bad days, right. Oh yeah, some days that we're like, feeling depressed. But what I've learned by identifying my emotions is you're going to have bad days. So you just say, yeah, I'm depressed today, tomorrow's going to be better because I know I will not stay here. I have the skills, I practice what I teach and tomorrow will be better. But it's okay if I'm feeling depressed right now. Yeah, it is. And I found when I get sick, I get depressed and just recognizing, yeah, that's going to happen. If you're late for a while, you get depressed, and so I'm more aware of that and I can do things to help bring me out.

Speaker 1: 54:19

Right, right, not recognizing your patterns. I love that.

Speaker 2: 54:23

Being able to recognize the patterns.

Speaker 1: 54:27

Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 54:28

And no one's happy, totally happy, every day, you're right.

Speaker 1: 54:36

So even just now, you know, I mean, I've got an adorable little two-year-old outside the door, Right? I'm like a little bit like you're adorable but also a little bit annoying, right. But I love what you're saying being aware of your patterns, being aware of your thought processes. Don't judge yourself for them.

Speaker 2: 55:01

Yes.

Speaker 1: 55:02

Right, be aware of them. But I also want to add to that I think, like what would your best friend want for you in those moments? Like what would they be asking you Right?

Speaker 2: 55:16

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 55:17

And like, for me, like I get the whole depression, you're sick, I'm sick so bad because I'm like I've got too much to do. Stop it, right. But I love saying to myself oh honey, what is it right now? Right, do you need time off? Do you need to go paint? Do you need like? What do you need? Let's create that let's do it Right.

Speaker 2: 55:44

Yeah, do you need time to snuggle? You know like you take an endless weather, you're sick, you're child sick and saying, yeah, I'm sick, I have extra time to read a book to read to my child, to snuggle them, or I'm not running nonstop, right, and so look at that, what am I gaining? By being down Right.

Speaker 1: 56:11

Down time. We all need that. We all need that and sometimes our bodies will make us take it.

Speaker 2: 56:19

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 56:19

It's really important.

Speaker 2: 56:21

Yeah, listening to our body. That's another thing that I teach Listen to your body and what it needs.

Speaker 1: 56:27

Yeah, Because your body will also like it stores trauma, it stores energy, it stores all those things, and so if you're feeling a little sick somewhere, if you're feeling sad or if you're feeling like, yay, you know, yes, your body responds to all of that. So I love that piece. The one last thing that I would add to this, too, is bring love to everything.

Speaker 2: 56:51

Yes, definitely.

Speaker 1: 56:53

You know I remember having to go back in my memories to that little, tiny, broken girl. You know that was really really struggling, really having a hard time and sobbing and going back as my adult self with the love that I have for children.

Speaker 2: 57:12

Yes.

Speaker 1: 57:13

And picking that little girl up and snuggling her and just stroking her hair and treating her like she was my own. And that she was cherished, that she was loved, and it was amazing to see the shifts that happened almost instantly.

Speaker 2: 57:31

Yes, I loved doing that for my younger self, going back, talking to that two-year-old or five-year-old or whatever, letting them know they're loved and they're safe. Just, you can do so much by going back to those little youths that are still there.

Speaker 1: 57:56

They're still there and helping them heal Exactly and loving them and appreciating them for what they did and the experiences they've had, and letting them know that they're perfect yeah, they're still perfect.

Speaker 2: 58:14

And, like my therapist always tells me, you're stronger than you think.

Speaker 1: 58:19

You are, you really are.

Speaker 2: 58:23

And we all were stronger than we think. We can handle what life throws at us. We really can, oh yeah. Oh yeah, Absolutely. May not be easy, but we can handle it.

Speaker 1: 58:34

We can do it we can do it. And to add to that too, maybe sometimes we're not always meant to do it alone, right, right. So, lenees, thank you so much for being a guest on the podcast. Where can people find you?

Speaker 2: 58:54

I'm going to go to Bitly Butterfly Healy. That'll get you a free ebook and a free session with me if you'd like to learn some more.

Speaker 1: 59:08

Love it. Go check out Lenees, you guys. She's also on Facebook, right? I'm on Facebook.

Speaker 2: 59:14

You can find me there.

Speaker 1: 59:16

You can find her there. You can reach out to her there and, in the meantime, my loves, thanks so much for hanging out with Lenees and I today and until the next time, we'll see you on the other side, guys, bye. Okay, so I've got a question for you. Have you joined my free Facebook group or Instagram page yet? If you haven't, go and do that, and this is the reason why I always post my freebies, updated information and all kinds of goodies for my community in that page. I'm also really active. I post videos, I answer questions.

Speaker 1: 1:00:06

So if you guys really really want to get in and interact with me, go like me on Facebook, go join my group the other side of the struggle healing from betrayal trauma. Come find me on Instagram, aaron Anderson, betrayal trauma coach, and come follow me, because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there. I also post anytime that I have groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly can, go hang out in my group. Go connect with the ladies that are there. Also, come and join, immune and Unashamed for those married couples that are following me, because in that group, me and my business partner, kaisin Kidd, are also talking and offering some great content.