Narcissist or Avoidant

Ever find yourself puzzled by the intricate dance of human personalities, particularly when it comes to spotting a narcissist or understanding someone with avoidant traits? Our latest episode peels back the layers of these complex behaviors, guiding you to discern between the two and highlighting why firsthand experience trumps hearsay in shaping your perceptions. As we unravel the attributes of narcissism, from an inflated sense of self to the cunning use of gaslighting, we also caution against the pitfalls of mislabeling, which can lead to misunderstandings in our relationships. Lean in as we navigate the subtleties of these personality traits, armed with insights that will empower you to trust your judgment and see beyond the surface of social interactions.

Embarking on a journey of self-discovery can often feel like navigating a maze without a map. This episode offers a compass in the form of self-love, illuminating the path to healthier relationships starting with the one you have with yourself. Celebrate the transformative effects of setting personal boundaries, boosting self-esteem, and nurturing supportive partnerships. Whether you're seeking to become your own ally or to form lasting connections, our conversation serves as a guiding light. And for those listeners eager to take the next step, we extend our hand with an invitation to a free call for guidance—because fostering meaningful relationships begins with a solid foundation of self-love.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 2:27

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the Other Side of the Struggle. Today we're getting into the difference between a narcissist and an avoidant. Now, one thing I really do want to make very clear, though, before I get into this, is I don't love giving labels to people. One thing that I'm hearing consistently is he's a narcissist, he's a narcissist, he's a narcissist, he's a narcissist, or she's a narcissist, or she's a narcissist, narcissist, narcissist, narcissist. And guys, let's like, cool the jets on the narcissism. We can say we don't trust them. We can say they don't have healthy behaviors in relationships. We can call out the circumstance. There's nothing wrong with that. But just labeling somebody something doesn't always make it true. But I do think it behoves us well to see the differences between the two, and there are major differences, because some people out there truly are narcissistic, but some people out there are avoidant. Now they have very similar tendencies and very similar actions, and sometimes it's very hard to tell the difference. But there is one major difference between the two of them, and I'll explain that in just a minute. So let's dive into this. First of all, let's talk about why I think so many people are labeling people as narcissists.

Speaker 1: 4:19

Labels give us the ability to understand people better, at least to our mind. It gives us something that we can trust, and I think especially in women. I know for myself I have had a lot of friends, especially when I was in the dating field, who would talk to me about a guy that had asked me out or a guy that I was considering dating, and they often had labels for this guy Narcissist, avoidant, layer, or maybe he was ambitious, maybe he was a nice guy, maybe he was the guy that everybody wanted. There was always some type of label and it gave me and I think it does this a lot of times for other women too a sense of what to trust and what not to trust because of somebody else's experiences. But sometimes those experiences are so late because the guy didn't like the girl and she took offense at that. And so what does she do? She tries to also sell his reputation with other girls. Labels are also comforting to us, not only because it gives us a sense of what to trust, but a sense of familiarity with a person, an ability to understand them, and we feel like if we have the ability to understand them, then we'll also understand what to do with them, but this is not always the case either, and a lot of the times again it comes down to everybody has their own filter, similar to the girl who was rejected by the guy who was rejected by the guy, and so she decided To become vindictive and turn every girl she could think of against him. Everybody has a filter. What they may perceive as bad Can also simply just be something different that person protecting themselves, or maybe that person's not interested, or maybe, like there's so many maybes in the air, so many maybes in the air, so labels aren't necessarily good.

Speaker 1: 7:41

However, circumstances do make a difference. Perhaps he's forgotten many dates with you, or perhaps he's not taking you on dates like he needs to be, should you be married. Perhaps he's not wise with finances because he's always so worried about paying off debt or always getting into debt. Both of them can be very bad. Maybe he's left you to figure out all of the problems because it's just too much for him. Or maybe you're consistently feeling like the bad guy and like the crazy one. These can all be circumstances. Maybe he's consistently telling you that it's your fault. Maybe he's just consistently checked out. These are circumstances, and I think it's really important that we avoid labels and instead trust our own experiences with people, because we're the ones that are considering a relationship with him. We do need to be the ones. I think it is a good idea to listen to the experiences of other people, because if you're consistently being told by several people that he's dangerous, you may need to listen to that and be watchful, but you are the one that is considering the relationship. You are the one that is considering doing anything with this person, connecting in some way. Therefore, you are the one whose opinion matters the most, not everyone else's, and this is why, again, labels aren't always good.

Speaker 1: 9:42

But now that I've said that piece, let's talk about what a narcissist is. A narcissist, by definition, is someone who loves themselves and themselves alone. Now, that's not always true. I kind of think that this, like I, get where they're going with this narcissist. In greek, uh, enrollment. Was it Greek or Roman theology, I can't remember, but as one of those two, he was someone who was absolutely beautiful. People consistently fell in love with him, and it wasn't until he saw his own reflection that he looked and that he could not move. He immediately fell in love with himself, um, and would not leave the water or his reflection, and so he just died there, right, kind of an interesting story. Talk about dying on a heel.

Speaker 1: 10:49

But narcissists are really into a lot of self preservation and but the problem is they take it to a whole new extreme. Everybody else has to be the problem, everybody else is wrong, everybody else is showing up inappropriately, but they themselves do nothing wrong. That is one characteristic of a narcissist, but it's also a characteristic of the avoidant. They often deflect what they are doing On to someone else and often times those are the people that are closest to them, aka you. Now Another thing about a narcissist Sometimes they're just freaking, not nice. They get you, they try to get into your head and gaslight you and get you to believe all of these things that you know are not true. Your experience is very different, but they try to get you to disbelieve it. They play mind games Because, again, nothing can get in and break their self-preservation. They avoid truth, they lie. They have to be the most interesting and the most important person in the room. They are constantly going to be the ones that look like the good guy.

Speaker 1: 12:46

But one of the biggest things that narcissists do is they lack empathy. They lack the ability to emotionally, spiritually and mentally connect with other people because they have an inflated sense of entitlement and ego. This, these are things that both the narcissist and the avoidant do, and so oftentimes it's very hard to tell the difference between the two of them, because they often exhibit similar traits. But the biggest difference between a narcissist and an avoidant is that one truly does want the relationship to work. See, narcissists a true narcissist actually does have some sadistic tendencies. They actually do get pleasure from seeing someone else suffer, seeing somebody else in pain, and so they kind of are a bit more twisted. Narcissists can also go from narcissism to sociopathic, to psychopathic. It's a progression.

Speaker 1: 14:08

But the avoidant, on the other hand, this is a person who, like they've both been deeply wounded. But the avoidant actually does care about how their actions affect other people. It might not always seem like it, but they actually do. The avoidant is someone who, after maybe setting some really strong boundaries, will cherish the relationship they have with you over their self-preservation. And this is why setting boundaries in relationships is so healthy is because it also weeds out the narcissist over the avoidant.

Speaker 1: 15:04

An avoidant is someone you can actually work with. Narcissists not so much. Again, they just want to hurt. You can actually work with Narcissists not so much. Again, they just want to hurt you and oftentimes, when they realize that the person is no longer able to be manipulated, coerced, abused, gaslit, tore down and hurt by their actions and they're not able to get their kicks and giggles at the expense of others, unfortunately, they tend to leave the relationship on their own, in search of someone else that they can manipulate on their own, in search of someone else that they can manipulate.

Speaker 1: 15:57

The avoidant, on the other hand, actually does not want to be abandoned. They do, again, want that relationship with you, but they're scared, and so that fear comes out in things like manipulation, gaslighting whatever they have to do to keep themselves protected and keep themselves safe because this is a person that has experienced deep trauma as well. But they do care. They actually do care, and you can see that because even after a fight, they will sit there and really think about what you say. They will try to change. They will try to be open and honest and vulnerable with you, and it might take again some fighting or contention or a confrontation, but eventually they do want to try to come to the truth. They don't do the things that they do because they want to see you suffer. They do it because they themselves are suffering.

Speaker 1: 17:22

Oftentimes, when you set boundaries with an avoidant, yes, again, they're going to come to that confrontation right. Because they're going to come to that confrontation right because they're acting out of fear, because boundaries can signal what it is that they are very insecure about. But they do try. They try to get the help. They try to get the help. They try to get better. They tend to learn to relax with you because they start to realize that boundaries actually help them feel safe in the relationship with you. They know what to expect with you, and that is one of the reasons why an avoidant actually does tend to start feeling very safe with boundaries is because they know what to expect. Without boundaries, they don't know what to expect and it puts them in complete and utter control of the relationship, which actually terrifies them, and that's why they make such a messy job of it.

Speaker 1: 18:42

An avoidant acts out of their trauma. A narcissist does too, to some, but the avoidant will acknowledge that they have trauma. The narcissist says you're the trauma, you are the problem, that they have nothing to gain, that they're just being nice to you, that you're never going to get better than them, and it's a consistent dig after dig after dig, just because they want to see you go crazy. To top this all off, an avoidant actually does have empathy. They might have a lot of guilt, they might have a lot of shame, they're very confused and scared, and we don't act very well when you're confused and scared and have all the guilt and the shame and believe Armageddon is our fault. We just don't act very smart or well in those situations. However, the narcissist has no empathy. They do not earn and are not able to connect with people on an emotional level, and they truly do do it because they want to get some type of a reaction out of you that makes them finally feel some sense of joy, because that reaction means that they have some type of control over you, and that is what they are seeking. It is not a relationship, it is that they are seeking control over another person. That is what makes them feel like they have a purpose. That is what makes them feel like they are alive.

Speaker 1: 22:45

There is a very big difference between a narcissist and an avoidant, and this is also, I think, why we need to be careful how we label people and especially we need to be careful with not trusting ourselves, because people who don't trust themselves do tend to fall more prey to narcissists than they do. The avoidant Remember this is what narcissists look for. They look for people who can be manipulated, and people who can be manipulated usually do not have a high sense of self-trust. These are people that have had deep wounds before, who have been traumatized. They prey upon that. But the avoidant actually does care. They do see the good in you. They both might love bomb when they've done something wrong, but the narcissist is doing it to keep you completely confused, whereas the avoidant is doing it because they feel guilty.

Speaker 1: 24:11

The reasons why they do things, even though they're doing similar things, the reasons why, are very different. The other thing, too, is they will prey upon a person who does not have very strong boundaries. So how do you know if it's a narcissist or not? Set boundaries, have confidence, know who you are. This is one of the most important things when it comes to relationships is knowing yourself first and liking that person is when you have your own back, my loves. You are far less likely to step into major relationship trauma with a narcissist because you won't put up with it. This is part of the reason why I want to get in and help people, people who have self-confidence in themselves, who do have their own back but are very humble about it. They recognize having your own back is not believing that you have nothing to gain, you have nowhere else to grow, that you are perfect already. That's on the narcissistic side, right? We're not narcissists. People that do have their own back, though, do realize and recognize that they have growth to do, but they say it's possible to grow. They don't look at all the growth they have to do and get overwhelmed by it and be like, oh, it'll never happen. No, they know that they'll do it. They're proud of themselves and their achievements and so, therefore, they continue to move forward. Or maybe they're just starting out their achievement journey and they realize that they're worth the effort that they put in for themselves.

Speaker 1: 26:25

Narcissists look for people who have a habit of self-betraying themselves. Those who do not leave themselves behind often do not fall victim to narcissists, because a person with a boundary or people with boundaries are terrifying to narcissists and safe for the avoidant. All right, my loves. I hope that this was helpful for you. It's a shorter podcast this week, but I think very important to acknowledge these things.

Speaker 1: 27:01

We want to be intentional when it comes to any relationship that we have. We want to be able to take our time, but, more than anything, if you have a fractured relationship with yourself, you will have fractured relationships with other people. It's not about how somebody else shows up necessarily so much in your life as much as it is about how you show up for you. When you show up, the way you want someone else to show up, having your own back is always a good idea, because it will call to you people who also want to have your back and people who have their own back too. Alright, my loves.

Speaker 1: 27:55

Hopefully this was helpful. Again, if you want some help and support with these things, feel free To click on the link in the description below and schedule that free call with me. I am so happy To talk to you guys About your boundaries, your self-belief, your confidence and getting you into really, really healthy and helpful relationships with people who really do want to show up to support you. All right, my loves. Until next week. I'll see you on the other side. Bye.