He Won't Talk To Me

Have you ever felt like you're talking to a wall when trying to communicate with your partner? It's the dance of dialogue within marriage, where sometimes one partner leads with avoidance and the other is left stumbling. In our latest episode, we unravel the threads of spousal communication, casting a spotlight on the challenge of engaging with an avoidant partner and the frustration that ensues when the conversation you desperately need keeps getting postponed. Through the personal story of one of our clients, we trace how the echoes of our upbringings play a role in shaping the way we connect—or disconnect—with our significant others, and how these patterns can leave us feeling neglected and without a voice.

Echoing through this episode is the vital importance of crafting a sanctuary for open conversation in your marriage. We discuss the art of shedding the armor of self-deprecation and sidestepping the hurdles, instead embracing a dialogue rooted in respect, patience, and understanding. By laying down the weapons of judgment and defensiveness, we uncover how to create a space where emotions can be expressed freely and where both partners feel heard. This isn't just about talking; it's about transforming the very fabric of your relationship through the power of mature, thoughtful communication. Join us as we offer strategies and hope for those seeking to turn the tide of their most cherished bonds, forging deeper connections and paving the way to a harmonious future.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 2:27

Hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. Today we are chatting about something that I get a lot when it comes to my clients wanting to heal their marriage, and that is the avoidant husband. And we know we've talked already about narcissist or avoidant right. But I think this also is something that I think needs to be addressed, because oftentimes conversations are like really big, important but difficult conversations are being avoided and women are constantly frustrated at their husbands because he just is not talking to them and so they'll go into these conversations and they'll try and get him to wake up and listen to me. I'm trying to tell you what's going on and this is so frustrating and if we don't fix this, like everything is going to go to hell in a handbasket and she's either feeling dismissed or rejected and when she keeps trying to come up with what is really really important and scary to her and leaving the conversation, feeling even worse because there really wasn't a conversation that happened, because he didn't talk, he just shut down or went into the blame of I'm the worst person ever, you should just leave me and avoided the conversation, and neither one of those things is helpful. Obviously, it doesn't leave either person feeling seen, heard or appreciated. So what do we do when we get into these situations with our spouses or really anyone that is just avoiding the difficult conversation? Well, number one it's really important that we understand where these people or your husband, whoever it is you're wanting help with, where they're coming from and what are they thinking.

Speaker 1: 4:44

Well, number one communication has not been taught well In our society today. People do not know how to communicate and on top of that we are using social media to communicate things. We're texting, we're messaging back and forth or we're posting. We might even get really angry on somebody's post and say something really nasty and mean something that we would never say to somebody's face, because we can still be protected behind the computer. This has caused some really big issues in communication in our society today, but it wasn't really well done either before computers even came out.

Speaker 1: 5:36

We've had a really big misjudgment and misunderstanding of opposite genders for a very long time and so far I've traced the misunderstanding and the fears and the roles and the literally the falling apart of the masculine and the feminine energies and understandings Roughly to about the 30s, the 20s and the 30s, 1920s, 1930s, and I could get into that later. But what ended up happening is when we start to misunderstand, we also start to miscommunicate, and when we start to miscommunicate, things are often heard wrong. We're not asking for clarity, wrong, we're not asking for clarity, we're just getting emotional and nobody hears anything. We're too busy looking for ways to block and parry and respond and not actually get in and have a discussion. That might be difficult but necessary. We're too busy trying to defend and prove our points and blame, blame, blame, blame the other person, and so we're not. We're growing up with not really great examples of communication.

Speaker 1: 7:08

Examples of communication Now. For example, I had a client whose father he was a good man and he provided. He worked hard, he provided for the family, taught the kids to speak kindly to their mother, but he never really saw his father actually have a discussion with his mom. His mom ended up feeling quite neglected by her husband because he was either at work or off on some project and never really taking any focus, time and and effort on her, and so she was consistently feeling abandoned and lonely. Well, when this man got into a marriage, he had similar problems where he kind of abandoned his wife and made her feel lonely. He didn't really take time to study her of abandoned his wife and made her feel lonely. He didn't really take time to study her, to understand her, to get to know her. He just felt like the process was done after they had been married and if you want to understand more about this, go listen to my previous podcast and he knew his wife, and so he came to me wondering like his wife actually came to me, wondering why she couldn't have a conversation with him. Every single time she tried to share how he, how she, was feeling, he dismissed it or said that was ridiculous, or just walked away or got angry or none of the appropriate responses that she was really hoping for as she tried to express what she needed. And so she was beginning to feel shut down and stopped talking.

Speaker 1: 9:07

And so, because the two of them weren't talking, other types of communication started coming up when we're not talking to each other, other types of communication like a simple look, body language, the cold shoulder, things like that started happening, and he began feeling abandoned in the marriage too. See, there's more than one way to communicate. There's more than one way to get a point across, and when our emotions are not being addressed and they're being dismissed. Well then, we tend to get very resentful. So a lot of resentment was building up in their marriage and she was to the point of wanting to divorce. But he was a good man. He was trying hard to support his family, he was good to the kids, he wasn't cruel. He just did not know how to communicate, and every single time she would be coming to him and saying I'm not feeling heard or seen by you. He didn't know how to deal with that and it triggered things inside of him. And so I started working with her and um, explaining this communication thing to her and that they were still communicating, but not in healthy ways, um, and so we started working out how to actually master our emotions, take full ownership for our emotions, and learning ways to be able to communicate. And we're going to get into that in just a minute.

Speaker 1: 11:08

But what this lack of communication has done for men is it has taught them that they are a failure and society is not helping either, because society is basically telling men, yeah, you are, we're trying to cancel men, we're living in a cancel culture of men, but we're also living in a cancel culture of women. Goes back to the misunderstandings and the lack of respect. Right, men are being told that they're foolish, stupid and they're not needed, and women are told we need to be absolutely perfect and that we can do as much as a man, if not better, and that we need to do the entire life without men. And this is both sides, both canceling is very destructive, and this is what people are stuck in when they're dealing with this. My husband's not talking to me, the wife is feeling like she has to do everything, girl power, right, right. And the husband is feeling like he's complete and utter failure. So why try? And the chances are he has tried to talk, but it hasn't worked out well for him because, again, he just does not know how, and so we have to teach.

Speaker 1: 12:45

And the thing about that is is, if you're the one that's wanting the discussions, if you're the one that feels like you're the one fighting for the marriage you're still trying, then most likely it's also going to be up to you to understand how to control your emotions, to be able to communicate those emotions still under control, and also learn how to communicate in a truthful, loving but firm way to your husband. It's important to take ownership of the position you find yourself in Now. That might make some of you very angry because you're really wanting him to start taking some ownership over his side. I get it, but change is never made by expecting someone else to take the first step.

Speaker 1: 13:37

We have to make sure that we do the right things. If we're going to heal our marriage, if we're going to heal the betrayal, if we're going to heal any of this trauma, then we need to take full and utter responsibility for healing that trauma. That means that we also have to take full and utter responsibility and ownership for our mind and our emotions. So we need to learn how to communicate, we need to learn how to control our emotions and we also need to learn in a big way especially if you feel like everything is falling on you how to take care of yourself, because having these difficult conversations definitely need to happen and they're going to be taxing and draining on both of you. It's going to be very hard for you to get in and do these things when you're already struggling emotionally and if you're not filling your bucket up. And if you remember, a couple weeks ago I had a conversation with Tara Brown and she talked about the analogy of the large cup filling up the smaller cups.

Speaker 1: 15:01

We cannot give what we do not have, and if you're feeling emotionally drained, that is not the time to have a conversation. You need to feel empowered and in order to do that, you also need to make sure that you are taking time for your self-care. Yes, self-care looks like getting out of the house, taking yourself to lunch, maybe spending a little bit of money on you that is self-care. Lunch, maybe spending a little bit of money on you that is self-care. But self-care also looks like understanding your mind, your own mind. What are the thoughts that are happening up there, writing them down, checking in to see if they are true or not true, making sure that your spiritual, mental, physical and emotional energies are good, that you're actually putting time and effort into each one of those energies. Spending time with friends not complaining about your husband not complaining actually at all, but simply just being present with friends. Being present with your children, being present in your life.

Speaker 1: 16:10

I love spending time in scripture. I also love reading from other people that are smarter than me. I also just love reading in general. There's some really good books and some really good authors and it's just fun. I love to read for fun. I also love to step into my gifts and my talents. I love to write music. I love to sing. I love to dance, which, by the way, is a great somatic practice to do to heal your nervous system.

Speaker 1: 16:41

I love to draw. I love to craft. I love to paint. I love to sculpt. I'm a very creative, I love to paint. I love to sculpt. Like I'm a very creative person, I also love to go out and sit with my chickens. Let me tell you, guys, they are cathartic little animals. I love watching my chickens and watching them follow me around the yard and having a great time with my chickens. It's nice having something else to care about.

Speaker 1: 17:14

All of these things are actually forms of self-care and will help fill your bucket. And if you're not sure what it is you do like to do, find out what you did like to do as a kid. Most likely you still are going to love doing the same things. And if you don't know, you need to get out and start exploring and trying different things. Try a paint class, try a cooking class, try things. Then, after you feel like you've had your bucket filled, you can start asking yourself some really important questions about why do I feel the way I do?

Speaker 1: 17:48

Well, because he won't talk to me. Why do you think he won't? Why won't he talk to me? Because he's a stupid moron that won't listen and he's just so pathetic and like you can let all these thoughts out on paper, burn it after right, but you need to have an outlet. That is healthy. Putting it on paper is a very healthy outlet. After you understand those things, you can ask yourself again now those are my thoughts what is really going on with him?

Speaker 1: 18:23

Well, most likely he's avoiding because he's afraid. What is he afraid of? Being rejected, being abandoned. Why is he afraid of those things? Probably because of past traumas from his childhood, or maybe a past relationship that's taught him that he is going to be abandoned and rejected. How can I communicate what I need to him in a way that comes across as loving but firm, and also in a way that helps him understand? See, men are also very logical creatures. They need things very cut and dry. Now I have met a few men that totally do overthink things, but for the most part they need very clear, concise communication and very clear, concise directions so that way they can help understand the logic side of things.

Speaker 1: 21:27

Also, another thing men are taught is to avoid emotions. Women are too, but especially with men. Men are taught is to avoid emotions. Women are too, but especially with men. So if a difficult conversation is coming up, there's also probably some emotions that he's been trying to shut off and push down for a long time, and so he's not sure how to express those in a healthy way and in a way that makes him still feel safe. So one of the things we need to do is be honest with him.

Speaker 1: 22:02

There's two different ways you can communicate honesty. You can yell it at him, but all he's going to do is hear the yelling. You can say you stupid fool, I am so sick of dealing with you. You never listen to me. Why won't you ever listen to me? I am trying to tell you that there's a problem and you just keep blowing me off. This needs to stop. I'm out of here, you're not worth it. But you can say that. Or you can say something along the lines of listen, I'm coming to you to solve a problem that I am seeing With the way you just responded. It's not helping me feel heard and it's definitely not helping solve this problem the more we continue not talking to each other, the more resentment is going to be built, the more frustration with each other is going to be built, the more misunderstanding is going to be built and eventually, when a marriage is built off of frustration, resentment, misunderstanding and negative feelings, well, divorce usually follows.

Speaker 1: 23:31

If you and I cannot communicate as healthy, mature adults, we are not going to be in a good place. So if you will stop blaming yourself and telling me that you're a failure and that you're stupid and that you're no good, or if you will stop not talking to me and actually have this discussion with me, then I promise I will be respectful, I will not interrupt you, I will listen to you and I will respond with curiosity, kindness, love, patience and understanding. But I want you to also listen with curiosity, listen with respect, respond with respect, respond with respect and try to understand me as well. Respond with kindness, love, patience and curiosity. If we can do that and hold back the emotions that we're wanting to express, then I think we can start working through this problem. What do you think?

Speaker 1: 25:01

That was very clear, very concise, to the point. We're outlining what will happen or what could happen and what is happening now without the communication and what is happening now without the communication? This takes some time. This takes some practice, and there might also be some times where you're going to have to say you know what you and I are both getting really charged in this conversation. Let's both take a break for 30 minutes to an hour. I'm going to go write my feelings down and I'm going to journal about them. If you could possibly do the same, or talk it out or think it out or whatever you need to do to get calm again, then we can try to readdress as we reassemble our thoughts. Can we meet back together in a half hour or an hour? Okay, so I hope this is helpful for you guys.

Speaker 1: 26:04

Most of the time, husbands will come around and start communicating, but they also do need to understand that their wife is going to be a safe place for the communication. If he feels like he cannot speak, he often won't, and women are also guilty of doing the same thing, where, when they don't feel heard, they shut down. But when we stop talking, we do fall into patterns of resentment, and resentment is there when we fail to understand our boundaries and how to enact them by simply stating what will happen when we do not communicate, and what you will do. We do not communicate, and what you will do, that and what you're willing to do. That is how we create a beautiful boundary and it leaves us feeling far less frustrated with the other person and with ourselves. I hope this is helpful for you.

Speaker 1: 27:11

My loves, if you guys have any questions or you would like my personal help with a situation, feel free to reach out at on facebook at erin anderson betrayal trauma coaching. You can also reach out to me on instagram, erin anderson trauma coach. Um, and also if you guys are interested in learning how to coach, come message me. Let me know that you're interested in those things as well, and we can get you started in our MSUM Life Coach School program. All right, my loves, hit me up, ask me those questions. If you'd love a free call, reach out with a free call and I will set up some time with you, and in the meantime, I'll see you on the other side. Guys, love, bye.