How can you rebuild your life after the shattering experience of betrayal? This episode promises to provide answers as we explore the complex journey of healing from betrayal trauma. We start by unpacking the profound nature of unconditional love in its many forms, including universal, friendship, parental, and romantic love. Is love truly unconditional, or do relationships thrive on certain conditions? We'll help you differentiate between genuine love and manipulative behaviors such as love bombing, offering you clarity and tools to reclaim your joy and build healthier connections.
We also share the heart-wrenching yet empowering story of a woman who endured years of infidelity and neglect in her marriage. Her path to self-realization, setting firm boundaries, and embracing self-love stands as a testament to the power of loyalty to oneself. We'll share invaluable insights and guidance on the healing process and emphasize the crucial role of community support. Tune in and empower yourself to reclaim your self-worth and build the fulfilling relationships you deserve.
If you're ready to heal your trauma, and find a community of like minded women, come join us for the one day event "Divine Daughter" in Utah on August 3, 2024. Get your tickets here: MyDivineJoy.com
How can you rebuild your life after the shattering experience of betrayal? This episode promises to provide answers as we explore the complex journey of healing from betrayal trauma. We start by unpacking the profound nature of unconditional love in its many forms, including universal, friendship, parental, and romantic love. Is love truly unconditional, or do relationships thrive on certain conditions? We'll help you differentiate between genuine love and manipulative behaviors such as love bombing, offering you clarity and tools to reclaim your joy and build healthier connections.
We also share the heart-wrenching yet empowering story of a woman who endured years of infidelity and neglect in her marriage. Her path to self-realization, setting firm boundaries, and embracing self-love stands as a testament to the power of loyalty to oneself. We'll share invaluable insights and guidance on the healing process and emphasize the crucial role of community support. Tune in and empower yourself to reclaim your self-worth and build the fulfilling relationships you deserve.
If you're ready to heal your trauma, and find a community of like minded women, come join us for the one day event "Divine Daughter" in Utah on August 3, 2024. Get your tickets here: MyDivineJoy.com
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson Betrayal Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you have tuned in. Today. Let's get talking about how to heal from betrayal trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with betrayal trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves. So that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you. And even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Erin Anderson Betrayal Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live, truly live free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. Okay, guys, we are talking about some really big things here, and I'm going to tell you. It started with a conversation that I have with a good friend of mine. He's been on the show a couple of times, um trevor henniger, and I'm thinking to myself huh, this is definitely a podcast episode that needs to be given, because this is something that I think a lot of people confuse, and I love it when we can shine truth on situations. But before we get into that, please go like and subscribe to my channel. If you're loving the content on YouTube, or if you're listening to this podcast, give it a five star thumbs up and a review, if you will. It's just so. That way, other women and men may know if this is the podcast for them. They can find some help and some healing. And if you really want to take it to the next level, make sure you also support the show and do know that I offer sessions to people all the time sessions to people all the time. So come book a call with me if you would like some one-on-one help with what it is you specifically are going through Support the show. It always helps to be able to produce more great content for you, and with that let's go ahead and dive in.
Speaker 1:
So let me tell you a little bit about this conversation I had with Trevor. Okay, he stopped me one day and he's like I gotta tell you I'm not sure I agree with you. Okay, do tell me. This is interesting. I'm definitely not saying that. I have never been wrong before. So tell me what it is you don't agree with. And he goes on to say I've heard you say many times that love is unconditional.
Speaker 1:
And he's like I don't know that I agree because I feel like there are certain conditions that do need to be met in relationships. Hmm, that's a good point, and I talk about that all the time too. Right, it does seem like it might be a contradiction when I say that love is unconditional and that conditional love is manipulation. I can see where he's coming from, and so, as I thought about this a little bit, I thought to myself. You know what this actually is, a concept that I feel like it needs deeper exploration and explanation, because it's true. Relationships are founded on love and relationships do have conditions to them. That being said, someone who love, love, love, love, love, love, love, bombs and then revokes it when you do something that they don't like, that is not love, that is manipulation, and we're going to get into the differences today.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so first let me talk about the different types of love, because I do believe that love is unconditional. I know there have been many, many wise people saying something different that love is not unconditional, that it is conditional. Right, I think there are types of love that are definitely unconditional, but your relationships aren't. They are not. They are not unconditional. They are. They are conditional Absolutely, and, just like anything that grows, love does need certain conditions to grow. There are different types of love, though.
Speaker 1:
You have universal love, the love for the universe, the love for the way the universe works. The love for the universe, the love for the way the universe works, the love for the energy that flows through all mankind, the love for individual people. We can love people just because they are a child of God, absolutely, and that's a type of love that doesn't really ever go away. We also can have friendship. This is a type of love that is conditional. Right, friends have to meet certain conditions in order to continue the friendship, one of them being honesty. Right, nobody wants to be betrayed by their friends. There's parental love. I know I would also say this is a type of love that is a step up from the universal love that is also unconditional. Um, my children will always be my children, even though my kids are definitely not perfect, and neither am I, but pretty close, we'll just go with that right. Totally kidding, by the way. Even though my kids are not perfect, I love them fiercely Every single day, more and more and more, but this also prompts me to be very boundaried with them. We're going to get into that in just a second.
Speaker 1:
There is romantic love. This is the type of love that a boyfriend and a girlfriend feel for each other, and it intensifies when we go from boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife. This is a very vulnerable type of love. As a matter of fact, I would say possibly the most vulnerable type of love you can get. Even in a relationship with God, we do not show the same type of vulnerability that we do with our spouses. That is why the marital relationship is a sexual one. It holds deep vulnerability and trust in order to be able to open up that way with another person. We don't even have that with God. That is with our spouse and our spouse alone. Hence the reason why it is also such a special relationship. We have self-love. This is a conditional type of love too. We would love to think that it's not but man. This is the type of love I see more than anything get broken, and it's not always necessarily other people's fault, it's very. I see it all the time.
Speaker 1:
When somebody has been betrayed. In order to feel that love for another person or in order to keep the relationship alive, they must do everything. But in that, but in the course of doing everything, they completely and utterly abandon themselves. They cannot, you cannot stay in a good relationship with yourself when you are allowing someone else to mistreat you. The simple allowance of someone mistreating you is a deep betrayal. And then we also have the love for God. We revere Him, we love Him. But this too is a conditional type of love. There are certain conditions that we ourselves must meet. God has already met those conditions. It is actually us that moves, and some people can feel very offended by God, but it isn't because God didn't show up, it's because they misunderstand what God is, and so those are some different types of love that a person might feel for a relationship in their life right, but, like I said, some of those are unconditional.
Speaker 1:
I'm always going to feel the love for my children. I'm always going to feel love just for people being people. I want to see people live their best lives because they deserve it. I want to see my babies live way better than their best lives because they deserve it. However, there are other conditions that do need to be met, and if you think of love a little bit like a fire, right, you start that fire and the more you give it, the bigger it builds. Now, some of you might say you can extinguish a fire. Right, you're absolutely right, but it still takes a long time for those glowing embers to die down if you just let it, if you don't keep feeding the fire, and love is very much similar. We have to feed it, we have to give it space, we have to honor it, we have to respect it and we have to nurture it in order for it to grow.
Speaker 1:
But I found that when people have a deep self-love and a love for God, there is a type of love that becomes unconditional. And it's really interesting that these two are conditional loves, right, but when those loves are solid, there is a type of unconditional love that comes across and that might be you might call it the universal love, you might call it a type of parental love, even though we're not really being a parent necessarily to everyone. But it's just a compassion for other people. Because you have it for yourself, because you love yourself and you love God, you just tend to love other people, regardless of how they show up. That is a type of unconditional love. That doesn't mean you put up with it. That doesn't mean you keep allowing them to do the same things you're doing. It doesn't mean you need to stay in this relationship with them. It doesn't mean that you need to even live within a five mile radius. Doesn't mean any of that. All it is is just a deep wishing for their best interest, for their very best. They themselves will see it. These are people we tend to pray for, simply because we love them enough to do so. That is a type of unconditional love.
Speaker 1:
But the relationship does have conditions. In friendship, well, actually even universal, there's a type of condition there. We want to think in abundance, because abundance is love. If we are denying ourselves abundance thinking and abundance in general, well, universal love does actually have the ability to wane a bit. Friendship, that one's kind of easy. We still have to trust friends in order to have a good relationship with our friends. If a friend comes up and betrays us, that is often the end of a friendship, or at least it sparks a very, very good discussion and a hey, friend, you need to do better, right.
Speaker 1:
Parental love. Perhaps the reason why self-love and love for God is so powerful is because it does kind of put us into a parental type of love. When we love God and we love ourselves, we tap into a type of love that God himself has and we begin to see other people the way he sees them. But God himself does not even stick around when he's not wanted, when the conditions aren't met, but he does leave his love there. He leaves his print in every space, because there is no space that is too dark for God. Now we cannot love God in mammon, cannot love God and mammon. That means that our actions have to match up to the things that he has given us so that way we can move into our highest and holiest selves, which is a being that thrives and vibrates from a love energy. But when we step into that, we do take on a portion of the love he feels for his children, and it's a type of parental love, a well-wishing for their best.
Speaker 1:
And we still have to meet conditions with ourselves too. One of the conditions is we don't allow ourselves to be treated less than what we deserve to be treated. When we allow that, without setting boundaries, without stating the truth, without standing up for ourselves, which can feel very hard, don't get me wrong. It's hard, especially when you're not used to it. But there's only one or two options. When somebody doesn't show up in our lives the way that they need to, the only options are, well, actually three options. One they change. They change because they love us and they want to be the very best version of themselves. That's the best case.
Speaker 1:
Scenario Two we leave the relationship Because the person left the relationship a long time ago, and I'm going to explain this to you in just a second. But if one and two are not met, then we have to abandon ourselves and oftentimes this is a place I find a lot of my clients is in the self abandonment because they have trauma bonded to their abuser. Um, let me explain this a little bit. Trauma bonding is a fair mentality. It is a lack. It is saying that I'm not sure that there's love out there enough for me and even though this person is not showing up very lovingly once in a while, there's been that little glimpse that catch that goodness and I want to stay. I want to stick around for that when that really comes up to life. That's often what people are thinking when they're trauma bonded, so they tend to stay in unhealthy relationships because, well, at least I know they still love me, right? That's not always the case and in these cases, this is where we really want to bring out the five-step thought process right, where we talk about the circumstance, the thoughts, the feelings, the actions and the results.
Speaker 1:
Let's just take a look at the circumstances alone. A little while ago I had a client whose husband cheated on her. They'd been married for roughly about 16 ish years and in that time frame he had had many mistresses, and every single time she had to find out about it. She found things that he could not refute and he finally, just, kind of nonchalantly, tell her the truth. But don't worry, honey, now that you know, I'm gonna go get this taken care of, I'm gonna go get fixed. And she would believe him because he loves her right. And so he would show up and he would have this great act and this great bravado and he would love-bomb and love-bomb and love-bomb her, and so she would think that things were changing, only to find in a couple of years later down the road he was in another sexual relationship with another woman. He had also abandoned her financially. He would tell her that he was going to help her pay for the bills, but she ended up paying for it all herself, without any contribution from him, and she had no idea where his money was going, even though he had a good job.
Speaker 1:
There were times where she was sick or ill, or there was even times she was hospitalized and he was out having an affair with women, with other women during those times. Those were the circumstances. He was not faithful to her physically. He was not faithful to her financially. He did not provide containment for her to thrive. He did not provide protection. He didn't provide anything for her. It was her doing all the providing and him living off of her as a leech as an energetic leech and as a physical leech in some sense too. She was supporting him while he was breaking the marriage covenants and vows and her heart. The circumstances weren't good, but she told me I still love him, I don't want to leave him. She was trauma, bonded very much to this man because he would love Bomber and so she would think he obviously has to love me. He does love me. Yet he was cheating on her consistently, didn't get help for it said he would, making her pay all the bills. Well, he did nothing. And the sweet, sweet woman it was so obvious that she was exhausted.
Speaker 1:
What I found really interesting about this person is that she had abandoned herself again. If we're going to stay in that type of a relationship, we cannot stay in that type of relationship without abandoning ourselves completely. It's not possible, because we're not being loyal to ourselves. We're being loyal to someone who is not returning it. There was no loyalty for her in that relationship at all. That was just another one of the facts, and that caused her to really have to ask herself well, what do.
Speaker 1:
I really think she hadn't wanted to actually admit to herself what she thought, because she knew what that would mean. She knew that she would have to, at some at least, set some really, really decent boundaries, but most likely it was going to mean the end of the relationship, because in order to be loyal to someone who has been disloyal to you, you must abandon yourself, just as they have done. And when she started to realize that he had left the marriage a long time ago and that she was desperately trying to hold on for hope of a better future with him, even though he was communicating very strongly that it was not him that she could rely on for that, the more she held tight to that, the less time she had for self-care, because she had abandoned herself. She had filled her schedule with all kinds of things working nonstop to meet the bills, working nonstop to make sure her kids got everything that they needed, working non-stop, working non-stop, working non-stop and coming home to more need from her and more betrayal. And it was a really more need from her and more betrayal. And it was a really hard reality for her to realize that she had also abandoned herself. And even though her husband's actions were horrible.
Speaker 1:
The thing that she was really struggling with was her own self-betrayal. The thing that she was really struggling with was her own self-betrayal. It was the thing that was really the most painful thing, because she felt in her words I feel like I've been torn in two. There's a reason for that. So she did end up leaving the marriage. She ended up setting some boundaries with herself, and that boundary was it doesn't matter what he does, I'm not going to leave my relationship with me. I deserve to be loved that deeply. So she began to start giving herself her own self-love and began realizing why she's worth so much more than what she's got. She gained a deep appreciation for herself and from that also gained some great boundaries with him, telling him things like if this is going to continue, then there, I see no point in this marriage. As you can see, she followed through with that. Then, there, I see no point in this marriage. As you can see, she followed through with that.
Speaker 1:
Another one of her boundaries that she had set was I'm not going to lie to him anymore Meaning she was going to tell him exactly what she thought. She didn't have to be mean, she didn't have to yell and scream at him. She was not going to mix words, she was not going to make it soft for him. She told him exactly what she thought, every single time. She wasn't mean. She didn't call him names, she stuck to the actions and how unimpressed she was. He tried to put it back on her. She set another boundary of no, his stuff does not get to be littering my energy, it does not need to litter my boundaries, it does not need to litter my life. And so she simply would learn to say that's an interesting story you're telling yourself there, but I'm not the one that cheated on you, I'm not the one who did this, I'm not the one who put us in this situation. I think there's something you need to do differently.
Speaker 1:
And finally, she realized that the most loving thing because, remember, boundaries are loving things she realized the most loving thing she could do for the both of them was to divorce. And the reason being was because he had left again the marriage a long time ago. If he's not being honest in the marriage, if he's not being loyal in the marriage, if he's not meeting the requirements and the conditions of the marital relationship, then he's legitimately saying he does not want to be married. He wants her to provide for him, but he does not want to be married and she doesn't want to be married to something like that. And so she said yes to both of them in the divorce, giving herself a better future and him the freedom that he wanted in the first place In the divorce, giving herself a better future and him the freedom that he wanted in the first place.
Speaker 1:
See the way she was able to break the trauma bond. Is she stopped avoiding the truth? The truth was really painful. It was really painful at the beginning. I watched her cry quite a bit Oftentimes. I'd have a couple of different sessions with her as she just sobbed. How could this really happen? How can I have found myself in this situation again? I feel so stupid to have fallen for it again, but we as human beings want to be loved. We want to be loved. We beg for love Because love is a need.
Speaker 1:
When she realized that she could give herself love and that God had love for her too, that put her out of alignment with herself, that stopped her from being out of alignment with herself and put her back in alignment with who she really was, and that has attracted many, many more great and wonderful. Sure that she had time in there for herself and her family. And all of a sudden she had more energy, her health was better, her finances were way better, she was earning, I think, like an extra $3,000 or $4,000 a month just because she had freed that up, that energy. And I see it all the time If you are trauma, bonded with someone else, you too have to abandon yourself, and that's part of the reason why betrayal is so hard. So, yes, love, true love, is unconditional, the love of God and the love for self.
Speaker 1:
But if we do not have a deep respect for ourselves, so much so that we refuse to have anyone else treat us better like less than what we deserve, let's say that less than what we deserve when we do not have a solid relationship with God, love is conditional. Love does feel somewhat manipulative. Relationships are not conditional, and, and when somebody manipulates you, they give you what you want a little bit, a little bit. It gives you a little taste, just to keep you right where they want you, and then they rip that away from you when you say just the wrong thing or do just the wrong thing, just so they can keep you right in line. That's not love, that is manipulation, and that is what a lot of people do, unfortunately, to other people, because they're not thinking about what's best for you. So again, love is unconditional. Relationships aren't A real love. Love from God is unconditional, but your relationships aren't. And if you're ready to step into a feeling of abundance and a feeling of love, then please, if you find yourself in this type of situation where you are trauma bonded to someone else, give yourself permission to put all other relationships aside and really, really, really hone in on the relationship you have with God and let him teach you the truth about yourself and don't accept anything less Than what his child deserves.
Speaker 1:
All right, my loves. I hope you have a fabulous week. Thank you so much for tuning in Again. Go give the show a like and a subscribe, go give it a five star review and feel free to support the show as well. Share it with your friends.
Speaker 1:
If you know somebody that can benefit from what we talk about, or if you have questions yourself, please send them in. You may email my team at erinandersonthetraumacoach at gmailcom. If you have any questions you'd like me to answer on this podcast, feel free to also book a call support the show financially so we can create. Get more great content out to you and in the meantime, my loves from my heart to your heart, I'll see you on the other side. Bye. Meantime, my loves from my heart to your heart, I'll see you on the other side. Bye.
Speaker 1:
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