Dealing with The Demands of Life When You've Been Betrayed

Can betrayal trauma really disrupt your ability to thrive in your daily life? Discover the transformative steps toward healing as I walk you through essential practices such as self-care, honesty, and setting boundaries. With a focus on the unique challenges women face while balancing family, career, and personal roles, we’ll uncover how crucial it is to carve out time for trauma recovery to prevent it from overshadowing your joy and fulfillment.

We'll dive into the power of aligning your life with truth and honesty, drawing inspiration from the life of Jesus Christ to illustrate resilience amidst betrayal. Learn practical strategies like nutritional therapy and self-care routines to detoxify your body from trauma's effects. Plus, understand the vital role of community and connection in your healing journey. Join my free Facebook group and follow my Instagram page for continued support, resources, and updates on my programs. Don't miss out on reclaiming your joy and living your best life despite life’s inevitable hurdles.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 2:33

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson Betrayal Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you have tuned in. Today. Let's get talking about how to heal from betrayal trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with betrayal trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves. So that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you. And even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Erin Anderson Betrayal Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live truly live free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode of the struggle. All right, so I have to be honest with you.

Speaker 1: 5:16

I've had a lot of women come to me lately with this question. A lot of you that have been listening to my podcast have got busy lives and you know you could be anywhere from just you know a stay at home mom, and you know you could be anywhere from just you know, a stay-at-home mom taking care of the kids, making sure the house is functioning, and that, in and of itself, is a lot to do. Two, somebody that has a full career maybe has a couple of different responsibilities on her plate, a couple of different prestigious responsibilities on her plate. I have talked to a range of women who have been dealing with betrayal, trauma and even men at this point, and one of the biggest questions I get asked is this very thing like how do I keep up with my responsibilities, with this betrayal or with this trauma, and I really felt like this is something that needed to be answered on the podcast, because there's so many of you that are dealing with this that are coming to me. They're like how do I do it, how do I do this, how do I keep up? And I'm going to tell you guys the same thing I have told all of these women, and it is.

Speaker 1: 6:37

It comes down to really three things. It's going to look like making sure that you're taking time for yourself, making sure that you're taking time for honesty and your self-care and boundaries. Now, saying that, okay, if your life is already hectic and it most likely is sometimes when somebody is like, well, you got to take time for can be like are you kidding me? Like I don't have time as it is for? Can be like are you kidding me Like I don't have time as it is, I don't have time for this trauma, but yet it is totally interjecting into my life.

Speaker 1: 7:17

Let me say a couple of things about that. One thing, number one women in general bear the mental load in the relationship. Okay, and what I mean by that is we're the ones that take care of the schedules, we're the ones that take care of parent-teacher conferences. Usually we're the ones that are out doing the grocery shopping, doing the meal planning, kissing the boo-boos, driving kids around here and there and everywhere, were the ones that are really responsible for the mentality of the family and getting everyone where they need to be. And then you add on top now that possibly a woman might have a career also taking care of her family. Maybe she's also got a couple other prestigious things happening. I've had women come to me that have been doctors, lawyers, dentists and politicians at this point, talking to me about how they have been betrayed. These are all women that are also balancing a family on their plate, god-fearing women, and they don't feel because they've got this mental load happening, they don't feel like they have the time to carve out, to deal with this trauma. Yet it is literally seeping in every area of their lives. They can't function because the trauma is consistently there. I have always said that just because you know you've got all these prestigious things, just because you might know about trauma, just because you might even coach about trauma.

Speaker 1: 9:18

Trauma doesn't completely leave us. It consistently shows up. We have people in our lives that maybe disappoint us. They might betray us badly in some cases. We have people that betray people we love and that we feel that betrayal. We're connected. We are connected in ways and especially today, that is never being heard of by people in the past. We have such connection, we have such relationships that is so easy for trauma to come into us. Pornography, sex trade like, possibly, affairs, like there's lots of different ways for people to be hurt nowadays, and I get it, I totally, totally get it. Like none of us are going to come through this life unscathed and whether it be by our own choices or the choices of someone, someone else, trauma happens.

Speaker 1: 10:39

But let me say this that if you have a major trauma in your life, it is time for you to start taking some time to solve it. Otherwise it's going to be in your face, consistently hounding at you, pounding at you like a persistent headache, something you can't ignore, something you can't ignore, and it's going to be really hard to function and live your day-to-day life if you are not very intentional about taking time to solve this. You've got to understand that your time is going to look a little different. I get that. You've got a schedule and it's down to the minute, down to the wire, piece by piece. You're living for your career. You're living for your family. Maybe you're living for your parents, you're building a business, you're building a life, you're even just building kids. There's so many things that are on your mind and on your plate and you have responsibilities and you've got your schedule set for all these responsibilities.

Speaker 1: 13:59

But if you don't take time now to take care of this trauma, what ends up happening is it seeps so deeply into your life that you cannot continue to function. So everything stops and it comes to a screeching halt and people wonder why you're not showing up anymore. When you have major traumas in your life. They don't get swept under the rug. They don't get swept under the rug. That's a whole lot like having a buffalo in your kitchen with all of the living room china or the kitchen china, I should say and asking him to hide under a rug. The buffalo is going to destroy that china. If you don't take the time to stop whatever it is you're doing and get him out of the house, you're probably going to have to call in reinforcements, you're probably going to have to call in the buffalo removing agency the people that know what they're doing to get him out of your kitchen.

Speaker 1: 15:15

But yet we don't treat trauma the same way. We tend to think it's insignificant, but yet we know it's not. We want it to be, but it's so big and it's smashing things and we're begging for help and it's. If this is the case, if this is where you're at, there is no other way to handle this than to actually get intentional and start taking the time.

Speaker 1: 15:52

For example, when I first started healing my trauma, I was a stay-at-home mom. Uh, I was substitute teaching because, um, I went to school to become an elementary educator, actually, and my whole life like I had three little boys at the time and my whole life had just come to a screeching halt. I was feeling so incredibly betrayed by people around me and the trauma was so big and so bold and, just like that buffalo in the kitchen, it was smashing everything in my life and I stopped functioning. I wasn't able to do the things that I needed to do for my kids, my family. I wasn't even able to think. All I wanted to do was escape. I couldn't even live life for me, I couldn't live life for my kids. I couldn't, and that was one thing I remember saying consistently is I could not. I had been to therapists, and nothing against therapists, okay, I just I had been to them. I had tried taking time, but nothing was working. But nothing was working. Nothing was actually stopping the trauma, because I had thought at the time that the trauma needed to be stopped by stopping the people creating the trauma. What I didn't realize is that I had to take time to look at life a whole different way. This is where you know, my story really starts with healing trauma.

Speaker 1: 17:55

You've heard me talk about me yelling at God for five, six hours at night and finally coming to the conclusion that I needed to focus instead on not what was going wrong, but on doing god's will and what that really looked like. I've had this question too. How did you know it was god's will? Well, number one am I doing good? If, is what I'm putting out there actually changing lives? Is what I'm doing, what I'm saying, creating a difference? Helping someone else, giving somebody else a hand up, helping somebody else realize how good they are, how great God is and how he's working in their lives? Am I doing that? If I'm not, am I not doing it for myself? I can tell you I wasn't, and so I had to do something different, and I looked at my calendar and I was like I don't know where the heck I'm going to fit in me.

Speaker 1: 19:07

Time to reflect, time to think, time to study scriptures, time to study the pains of others and how they healed, and the only thing I could see at the time was I needed to start getting up really early, and I did. I would start getting up at 4 am and I started working on the four main energies, which is your spiritual energy, your mental energy, emotional energy, energy and your physical energy. I took time to do some exercise. I took time to read scriptures, I took time to read books like Think and Grow Rich or the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People and basically self-help books. Rich Dad, poor Dad, all that kind of stuff, right, all these books that we know well of how to Win Friends and Influence People those are all books I read during that time. People those were all books I read during that time. Another really great one I read during that time and I really highly recommend it if you're dealing with trauma is the Peace Giver. That was a major, major breakthrough book for someone dealing with trauma.

Speaker 1: 20:37

So I read all those, started working on my physical energy, my mental energy, my spiritual energy and all of a sudden my emotional energy started to come up as well. I started feeling like I had more ability and more freedom and more room to move room to move. When I started focusing on these things. I was doing journaling, letters to God, all of these different things and trying to, instead of focusing on what was wrong, focusing on the pieces that were right, and even though it looked like my life was absolutely shattered, completely in tatters, there was one thing that was constant.

Speaker 1: 21:28

If you haven't listened to the relational tears, I totally suggest you go down the podcast playlist. Guys, we're at podcast like 110 or something like that at this moment, so it's down there a ways. But the relational tiers I would definitely tell you to listen to that one again in this podcast as well as this podcast, because it gives you the idea of like what your four main relationships are. So often, people are focused instead on the others tier and the abundance tier. It happens all the time, but those are the results tiers.

Speaker 1: 22:09

We really need to focus on the god tier and the self tier, and when we are living for god, he lives for us and life begins to change. Life begins to shift very differently. We're able to do things differently, see things differently and get a different perspective. Maybe it is time to leave that cheating spouse. Maybe it is time to cut back hours at the office. Maybe it is time to do something different. Maybe it's time to rearrange your schedule. Find where we have the freedom, because if we're not taking time to heal again, the buffalo is going to stay in the kitchen and I'm pretty sure trying to make meals with him and get everybody around the table is going to be difficult. It's time also to get honest with yourself.

Speaker 1: 23:19

Trauma cannot thrive in honesty. Trauma cannot thrive in honesty. It has a very, very hard time thriving in truth. When we are living for truth, we tend to see far less traumas. Now you might say, okay, well, talk to me then about the story of Jesus Christ. Right, here's a man who focused solely, dedicated his life completely to, and lived and died for truth. Yet he was someone who also was dealt the biggest and the worst traumas and betrayals. Yes, that's true. Just because we focus on truth doesn't mean that trauma still isn't going to come our way. But think about his end result. He never wavered from who he was.

Speaker 1: 24:25

See, when we don't take time for honesty and we've got this trauma that's consistently in our lives consistently in our paths, consistently throwing us all that buffalo in the kitchen right, throwing a saw that buffalo in the kitchen right. We tend to start believing things about ourselves that are not true. My loves, that's major. We tend to believe things like who am I to take this on? Who am I? Why would I? I'm not good enough, and we seek for validation in all the wrong areas. Validation can be a very dangerous thing if you were using it to validate the wrong things, such as and this is what trauma does does. It validates the wrong things, such as how we're not good enough, how we're not capable, how we're not meant to, and it stops our ability to do the good in the world. Validation is wonderful when we're validating the right things, but it doesn't happen if we're consistently focused instead on the trauma.

Speaker 1: 26:13

Christ did not focus on his trauma. He instead focused on who he was, who God created him to be, and nothing stood in his way Didn't mean he didn't get hurt, didn't mean he didn't feel hurt, and it definitely didn't mean he didn't feel betrayed. Think about when he looked to Simon Peter and says will you lead me too? What a vulnerable moment, what a beautiful moment for the Savior to show us that he is a vulnerable person. He understood vulnerability. He wasn't afraid of it. He wasn't afraid to show it. He wasn't afraid to show it no-transcript how much he trusted him. He was one of the apostles that was in the Garden of Gethsemane, asleep at the tree. And the love that the Savior felt in just simply saying the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. He focused on who he trusted. He focused on who was going to be there for him through thick and thin. He focused on God. He focused on the right relationships and he focused on validating himself in the truth and in honesty. And when the betrayal was said and done, he was lifted on the cross. He died and was resurrected as the true self, the true being, the savior of mankind, because he never lost sight. He never lost sight. He never lost sight.

Speaker 1: 28:17

And it's a challenge to see these things when we are still trying to live the same pattern and the same life that we had before the trauma, when we're still trying to go at that same pace before the trauma, when we're still trying to go at that same pace. It is time to take time for this. It will not be ignored. The last thing. It's also time to do some major self-care and restructuring of boundaries.

Speaker 1: 28:54

Self-care, yes, does look like massages, facials, all of those things. I highly recommend them because trauma is something that actually can get trapped in your cells. Your brain, when it's in trauma, releases hormones, and when those hormones are released to a certain degree, they become toxic to the body and the body responds likewise in inflammation, fat cells trapping them, and so, like, our adrenals get sluggish, our brain gets sluggish, our thyroid stops working, we gain weight, we lose weight. Our bodies just really start to feel broken down. I can tell when somebody is in this state on the calls with me because they look so tired. Their eyes are just blinking and just so overwhelmed and so bogged down by what's happened. This is the state where the body is completely starting to shut down, and that's not a good thing. Massage, facials all those things actually do help break down harmful chemicals, harmful toxins and harmful hormones that have been trapped in our bodies, so they can actually start flushing them out.

Speaker 1: 30:40

You're looking at doing some really, really serious nutrition care. Someone who's been dealing with massive trauma is also someone who really needs to be dealing with massive nutritional therapy. We're talking about lots and lots and lots of smoothies, live juicing salads, things like that, when you're dealing with trauma, because you need the nutrition to be able to rebuild, because you need the nutrition to be able to rebuild. But I'm also again talking about carving out time for yourself. Ideally, someone who has been dealing with a major trauma in their lives needs easily 10 hours a week to focus on healing. It's a whole lot like asking someone say that you're a trauma ER doctor. They come in they've just been in a major, major accident, total crash and burn, maybe it's your colleague and they come in. They're laying on this stretcher and they keep trying to get up off the bed because they have a schedule to keep. Eventually, that doctor is going to sedate the patient, possibly even put them in a medically induced coma. So that way, the body can focus not on the schedule but on the healing. The schedule can be rebuilt, but the healing won't happen until we give it the time to do so. But the healing won't happen until we give it the time to do so.

Speaker 1: 32:48

I will tell you that this is one of the things that most people really struggle with when dealing with betrayal. Trauma is taking the time to heal Because they have so many other things happening in their lives, but those things will eventually fall out of your lives if you don't balance your time to be able to heal, if you don't give yourself some grace. Even now, I still deal with trauma and I have six kids, a husband, an online business, a speaking career, a book I'm putting out. Yeah, guys, that's a big announcement. Yes, I am putting out a book and I'll be telling you more about it as we get closer to it.

Speaker 1: 33:34

But I've got all of these things that I'm doing and once in a while, something completely falls through the cracks, like an email or like my marketing or something. Now I could totally get on my case and be like how dare you, how dare you not do these things? These are all essential for your business. But, my loves, let me tell you something I also know that if I put my schedule above my healing and health, eventually the will go away without my say-so. Things will change in ways that I have no say in the matter. So if I still have a say, then I better say it's time to do some healing. I better take the time to deal with this problem, because it won't go away on its own. I can rebuild and restructure my schedule, but if I don't take the time, eventually the health and the healing will completely take over my life, and I'm not willing for that to happen.

Speaker 1: 35:01

I've got too many things going on that I love. I want to be there for my kids. I want to be there for my clients. I want to be there for my listeners. I want to be there for the clients. I want to be there for my listeners. I want to be there for the people that need me to be there. I want to be a voice for good. I want to be a voice for reason. I want to be a voice for God To bring hope into your lives and into the lives of so many others. I don't have the ability to be silenced. I don't want to be silenced, but if I don't take the time to consistently work through traumas and trials and tribulations, if I'm not actually being intentional and carving out the time, then the healing will take precedence over my schedule. I won't be able to balance them both.

Speaker 1: 36:08

This is where we come down to a time boundary. If you've listened to my podcast before, again go reference the boundaries, where I talk about the seven main types of boundaries. Your time boundary must be in place when it comes to healing trauma, because if you consistently put your schedule and everything that's going on in your life above yourself and your healing, everything is riding on your shoulders. You cannot kill the golden goose and expect golden eggs after the goose is dead. So what are your time boundaries? What are you willing to do and what are you not willing to do? And the what-nots? Do they actually matter?

Speaker 1: 37:15

Maybe, if you're working 60 hours a week, maybe you need to cut it back to 45. Maybe you do need to ask for someone else to come in and be a personal assistant to you and be a personal assistant to you. What do you absolutely need to do with your time so you're not having so many things thrown at you? What are you willing to do? Because, remember, boundaries are all about that one thing. It's not about trying to get somebody else to do, because, remember, boundaries are all about that one thing. It's not about trying to get somebody else to change. It's not about getting somebody else to do something differently. Boundaries are there for you and dictate how you are going to act, so that way, you stay in alignment with your values, vision, purpose and path, and your time needs to reflect that.

Speaker 1: 38:22

Remember that resistance if you feel like you have to push and push and push and push and push to get somewhere. The only time we really are pushing is if we are resisting. Resistance is when we feel like we have to hold, lock our arm and push something away. Keep it at a distance. Please remember, though, with every single trauma there is a lesson. With every single trial there is a lesson. With every single tribulation there is a lesson, but if we don't take the time to hear those lessons, we actually do stay stuck in those cycles of trauma. I'm not saying you guys have to get up at 4 am that was my personal choice but you do need quiet time, time for you to reflect, time for you to journal, time for you to get clear on what it is you actually do want and what is happening instead. And what is happening instead and, possibly, what do you need to do.

Speaker 1: 39:38

I had a sweet, sweet gal contact me not long ago. She was a very prestigious doctor, also an elected official, and her husband had been a prestigious doctor, also an elected official, and her husband had been had a lot of infidelity. Actually, she didn't want to leave him, and I'm not one to say that that's something that has to happen. I would have personally, but it is what it is. That's something that has to happen, I would have personally, but it is what it is.

Speaker 1: 40:22

But one of the things that we talked about is this idea of taking the time. Her time was already very, very burdened, very, very stretched thin, and then she had the buffalo thrown into the kitchen several buffalo in this instance. Each buffalo needed to be removed, one at a time, and it was overwhelming. So we talked about the time boundary. So we talked about the time boundary. What was her time like? What was she focused on and what did she need to do? And we talked about delegation. Maybe she needed an assistant in her civic duties. Maybe she needed a physician's assistant to help take some of the load off of her work plate. She needed support somewhere so that way she could take the time to really consider what it is she wanted and what she was willing to do about it.

Speaker 1: 41:40

Time is an essential commodity when it comes to dealing with any type of trauma. Maybe we will have to sacrifice some major things, some major responsibilities. Maybe we are going to have to ask for somebody else to step in and take over the role completely. But instead of looking at the now, look at how powerful that will be for you when you come back to that role, because you're going to understand things that nobody else understands Because you took the time. Alright, my loves, I hope this finds you well. Please remember, if you need help, if you need support, don't hesitate. Please hop on a call with me. I am taking on clients right now. Let me see if I can't help you solve some of your problem in your trauma as well. All right, my loves. Until then, I'll see you on the other side. Bye.

Speaker 1: 43:15

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Speaker 1: 43:49

The Other Side of the Struggle Healing from Betrayal Trauma. Come find me on Instagram, erin Anderson, betrayal Trauma Coach, and come follow me, because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there. I also post any time that I have groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly can go hang out in my group. Go connect with the ladies that are there. Also, come and join Immune and Unashamed for those married couples that are following me, because in that group me and my business partner, kyson Kidd, are also talking and offering some great content.