In this episode, I’m doing a dive into the very common (i.e. universal) fear of failure. This roadblock is so important to navigate, as it can be the very thing that holds so many of you back from living the life you want and achieving your goals. If you want a big, health, authentic life, this is a must listen!
I cover:
Feedback? Questions? Comments? Head on over to Instagram and let me know in my DMs!
FREE TRAINING
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In this episode, I’m doing a dive into the very common (i.e. universal) fear of failure. This roadblock is so important to navigate, as it can be the very thing that holds so many of you back from living the life you want and achieving your goals. If you want a big, health, authentic life, this is a must listen!
I cover:
Feedback? Questions? Comments? Head on over to Instagram and let me know in my DMs!
FREE TRAINING
COURSES
[00:00:00] Welcome back to the Jesse Golden podcast. I was just thought I was recording for the last 10 minutes and it turns out I wasn't. So that is always fun. But so we are talking about a very important subject today. Navigating the fear of failure. And this is something that every single human being comes up against. Every human and it manifests differently at every single level of your life in different areas of your life. You might not think you have the fear of failure?
I didn't think I did. Until I actually started going after bigger, bigger levels of what I wanted and I experienced, oh, I do. And it can be so sneaky. Because you can convince yourself, your brain convinces you in really clever ways of why you shouldn't go do something. That you actually want to do. Because it's trying to protect you. That fear of rejection, that fear of failure. Is so strong and an eight in us.
Absolutely. We were able to overcome it, but it is so sneaky and convincing. And you can rationalize your way out [00:01:00] of anything. If you let your brain, your primitive brain do the talking. So we really want to make sure that we understand what's going on and how to work with this. Not get rid of it, cause it's never going to go away. But understand how to work with it so that you can create a life that you want.
Otherwise, this is why so many people just stay in a very mediocre or even dreadful existence. Because expanding beyond their comfort zone into something that risks, rejection and failure. Paralyzes them. They don't know how to work with it. And I hear from women all the time when I say, okay, what is your biggest roadblock for working on your relationship with food, for developing the lifestyle of healthy habits that you want? For chasing the physicals that you want, building muscle, losing weight, whatever it is.
And it's the fear of failure.
And it's very stupid of them to recognize this because it can be so sneaky and subconscious that most people don't know. And I've talked about in a prior podcast episode, that there are some [00:02:00] subconscious fears that we have when it comes to fat loss. Specifically, one of them for me was the attention from men. That I realized that because when I was younger and I'm sure a lot of women have experienced this, where you start to receive attention from, for me, in my case, it was older men that I didn't want attention from.
And so it was too much focus on my body. And I didn't want that focus. And even from women where there's competitiveness or in given my career, the fact that my body and my appearance is on the forefront, which I signed up for. So it's not a sob story. Oh, woe is me. But it's important to understand that these things are underneath the surface, calling the shots until we bring them to our conscious awareness. And can work with them. So, if you feel yourself saying, I want something, but I constantly experienced this resistance to it.
Consider that it might be something to do with the fear of failure rejection.
So understand, firstly, we all have this and this can increase as the perceived perceived stakes. Get higher. [00:03:00] So you might think for me, I'll take my business. As example, when I first started this, it was there wasn't any pressure. There weren't any expectations. Most people thought that there was no way I was actually going to be able to create a business out of nothing. And I heard people say behind my back, you know, she's just young.
She just doesn't know. She's just experimenting. It's just a hobby. Deep down. I was like, I'm going to show you motherfuckers. Right? But at the same time, no one was putting any external pressure on me because no one expected me to be able to do anything with it. And I was treating myself as very, like, let's just see what happens. And then as I've been able to actually build a business. I still have so many goals of where I want to take this business, but it's a viable business.
I'm able to support myself. Those expectations in my mind have grown. So the threat and the pressure has grown. I feel like there's farther to fall now. So as you achieve more and perhaps, maybe it's you get lean, you start to notice that, okay, I'm [00:04:00] getting attention from people because my body has changed.
It's just an unfortunate truth about our society. Then you might feel the sense of, oh shit, I can't lose this. What happens if my body changes? As we need to come back to our center and we'll talk about that. What that means here. Because if you don't pay attention to this, then you will move towards your goals.
And then you'll notice yourself backsliding because the subconscious fear. Starts popping up. And what's happening is on a subconscious level. Our brain, our nervous system is perceiving a threat to our access, to love safety and belonging. Which back in the day. Would mean that we would die. If we didn't, weren't part of the tribe. Then we'd probably be out on our own starving to death. It would be killed. And so understanding this is step one, what's happening in the brain can be very, very soothing in and of itself. A you're normal. Every human being experiences, this and B.
When you feel this, just remember. I like [00:05:00] to say to myself, Uh, Hi, monkey brain. Thank you so much for trying to protect me. I know this feels like you think we're going to die. But we're okay. We are. Okay. And putting things, separating yourself from those thoughts, from those sensations, feeling them not rejecting them. But understanding that those aren't you and that's just a program running in your brain is step one. Number two is sitting with the sensations rather than spinning. In those thoughts or running away from the feeling, this is very important. As I mentioned just previously. We need to create that sense of distance.
This is why I'm such a big fan of mindfulness and meditation. Particularly with my food, freedom clients. Is creating that distance from your thoughts. And observing them rather than being in them. It's so important. Same thing with emotions, your, the container. Holding your emotions holding these sensations, you are not them. This puts you in the driver's seat of, oh, [00:06:00] I'm a sovereign adult. I'm a grown-ass woman. In modern day life where I'm not running around trying to survive. I'm safe.
I'm in my body. And my brain is just freaking out because it thinks that we're going to be ostracized and killed. Guess what? That's not happening. Right. You're not going to die. Even if your brain is sending off the alarm bells and then sensations in your body saying, oh God, Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. And sometimes this can feel really uncomfortable. I've been feeling this a lot lately for. A variety of reasons. And it takes true groundedness for me to sit in it and say, this feels really fucking uncomfortable.
And I typically feel it in my chest. And what I do is I allow that feeling to swell. I sit with it and I say, okay, brain. Body let's do this. And I root myself into being in the present moment. I feel my body. On the couch and the [00:07:00] chair, if I'm standing wherever, wherever it is. And I remember that I am safe. And then I let the emotions, the feelings, the sensation of fear.
Get big.
And it can feel really uncomfortable in your brain. This is why it's important to stay connected and rooted in your body. Because when you feel that sensation, your brain is going to start spinning with thoughts, which is by design because it needs you to get the fuck out of there. If you really are in danger, right?
It's like, okay, maybe it's this. Maybe it's this run, run, run. If you've ever been in a situation. This used to happen to me and probably still would today. With public speaking, where I would say yes to something and then my brain would come up with all of these reasons why I should cancel, how I can get out of it. Um, maybe I'll just say I got sick at core.
Maybe I'll just schedule something else at the same time and say, can't do it anymore. Right. Your brain is just, let's get the fuck out of here. We can't do this. We can't do this. And acknowledging that that's normal. That's very normal and it's okay. But sitting [00:08:00] with those sensations as what is going to quiet your mind. And if you run for them and sensations send it's like, okay, there is a threat because we're, we're, we're going.
And of course. Expelling. And I've learned a ton about this from. Jenna ham. She's wonderful. When it comes to the nervous system, I'll be having her on the podcast again. But we need to get rid of that survival energy. If we do perceive that there's a threat, which is very normal, we're having all these little threats throughout the day. In our day-to-day lives when it comes to stress.
So I'm not saying be still all the time. But I am saying, expand your capacity to sit with these sensations. Because if we're constantly saying, oh, I feel something uncomfortable. Therefore I need to busy myself. And distract myself from it. You're never going to grow. And you're always going to be running away. Rather than moving towards what you want.
So learning to sit and feel them and hold it.
I like to think of I'm the container I'm holding. The [00:09:00] sensation. And the thoughts will come and the thoughts will be convincing and they'll want, you'll be tempted to sit there and spin around in the thoughts. If you do that, this can easily last. Weeks months, rather than just sitting and feeling the shit.
So to fight the temptation to run away and just stay stuck in your brain and stay with your body.
Number three. Consider the worst case scenario. Will you really die?
We're bringing our logical brain online here. Right. So let's say that you are trying to change your eating habits, your health habits. You want to get leaner. You want to get healthier. You want to work on your relationship with food. And it feels like, oh my God, if I don't eat this donut right now, I have to do it because I can't sit with the stress and the discomfort that I'm feeling. Okay, your brain is like, this is overwhelming.
Oh no, something's wrong. Too much sensation. And if you bring your logical brain online, Are you going to die from feeling this sensation? No. [00:10:00] You're not.
It's not going to happen. You are safe. I like to look around and remind myself, okay, I'm in my apartment. I'm in a safe building. I have my dog. I have friends and family who loved me. I am safe. I'm okay. Everything is okay. Let's say you're chasing after a new job. Uh, promotion. And people are looking at you.
A lot of people know the stakes feel like it's higher. If you don't get the job. Are you going to die? No. You're not going to die. You probably will feel the sting of rejection. And you'll have to feel the sting of people saying, oh man, I thought you were going to get it bummer. Okay. Yeah. That might feel like shit. You can handle feeling like shit. We all can. But you're not going to die.
There's a big difference. Huge fucking difference. And I think that's where most people, especially with. I feel like society has gotten way too soft in so many ways, especially with the younger generation, but it's topic for [00:11:00] different day. Feeling uncomfortable. It's not bad. It's the part of the gig. If you want to live a full life and grow, you're going to feel fucking uncomfortable.
A lot. I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. When it comes to business, especially because I'm constantly having to evolve and grow and it challenges me. Nearly every day. So I constantly feel uncomfortable. I have to sit with myself whenever my brain spins out until worst case scenarios. Can I handle that? Let's say my business goes under tomorrow. I never make any money. I can't pay my bills. Have to move in with my parents. Who knows.
I have to go back and get a corporate job. Okay. With that, staying with that suck ass. Yeah. It would, but guess what? I will survive, which brings me to my ego will be bruised. Don't get me wrong and I will be sad and upset. And it will suck. But there's a difference between something sucking and you dying. Right. The ego does not like. [00:12:00] To struggle in that way. Especially, if it threatens your identity of I do everything well all the time, I never get anything wrong.
Everyone has to perceive me as the one who has it all together. What are people gonna say? Yeah. Anyone who has made it and done anything has faced that.
We always look at people. Alex, her mosey says this and he says, you know, we look at people who are successful. And he talks about the Rocky cutscenes. So you're watching the Rocky movie and you see where he's overcoming all of his demons and he's leveling up. And no one seeing that part because it's behind the scenes, he's working his ass off and then he shows up in the ring. Honestly, I haven't seen the Rocky movies, but every fighting martial arts movies, the same. And that Rocky cuts scene. Where he is in the pits of despair.
And he's overcoming that. That's two minutes. And Alex, her Mozy says for many people, he's talking about entrepreneurship. That's five years of [00:13:00] eating shit. And then people see you at the top and they say, oh, overnight success. So easy for him. So easy for her. No. So many people you see at the top, the vast majority, unless they were handed everything. Each shit on the way there, they overcame them selves, which is the hardest work in my opinion. We have to do on this planet is overcoming ourselves.
So as a tangent, but really important. Everyone. Deals with us and you will not die. Your ego may be bruised. But if you want a big life, you're going to have to risk that you're going to have to risk feeling like an idiot. Looking like an idiot, having people talk shit about you. Having people want you to fail. Risking being ostracized from your community.
And that's part of the gig.
Number four is ask if what you're working towards actually aligns with your values. This is really important because if you're going after a goal that you feel like you should be chasing. But actually isn't alignment with you. Then you're not gonna be able to stick through these shitty parts [00:14:00] or you're going to get there and you're going to be like, uh, okay, I'm going to have a mental breakdown because I thought this is what I wanted.
And I. Don't feel any differently? Like I'm not proud. I feel like I was chasing somebody else's thing. Everyone said that I'm supposed to be okay. I'm supposed to feel. Good about myself. Once I achieved this thing, once they made the million dollars, since I lost 30 pounds and I don't feel any different. They said the pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow and it's not here. You very likely are not going to feel that different.
And then your brain is going to come up with the next thing, firstly, but also if you're chasing somebody else's values rather than your own, you're always going to feel empty and. If you're going after something that's not really genuinely authentic to what you want. And yourself. You're not going to push through all this discomfort.
You're just not going to, or it's coming from a place of pure fear. Where you feel like I have to do what everyone else expects me to, and then you're going to end up. In that situation. I just mentioned where you get there and you're [00:15:00] like, okay, this sucks ass. So really make sure that what you're working towards is aligned with your values and you genuinely want it.
No, one's going to sit here.
I realized this was my business. I did completely a hundred percent commission recruiting for a little bit after I was in public accounting. And I realized from that. I wanted, I've always wanted to be an entrepreneur, but just doing it to do it when I wasn't passionate about it, wasn't enough for me. Because you have to eat a lot of shit.
there's so much risk and uncertainty and challenge. And I wasn't willing to do that unless I was really passionate about what I was sharing and what I was doing. So that was an important lesson to me. And I guarantee you, if you, I see this with women all the time with weight loss, with whatever it is, physique wise, health fitness, that if they're doing it because they feel like they should, they're not going to overcome this stuff. Why would they. And the minute I say, do you even really want to change your body or do you feel like this is just [00:16:00] something society is shoved down your throat? And they sit with themselves and oftentimes they say, actually, I don't care. Well, no wonder you haven't been. Pushing through roadblocks, please.
It's just genuinely not a priority to you. And that is okay. So make sure there's what you're working towards, actually aligns with your goals and your values.
Number five. What is the opportunity cost for not moving despite the fear? This is something that a lot of people don't want to look at. And they will. Barry under the sand because it can be. Really challenging and confronting to look at.
You have to, we all have to, and this is the biggest motivator for me.
Whenever I noticed myself avoiding the resistance and avoiding moving through it. Is okay. Well then I have no right to complain. If nothing has changed in one year, five years. I have to sit there and accept that my reality will be the exact same. In six months, 12 months, three years, [00:17:00] five years. And if I'm genuinely okay with that, then great. But if I'm not. Then I need to get moving. There's an opportunity cost for not moving, despite the fear. And it will not go away.
It will only get worse because then you will realize, okay, not only am I in the same place, but the last three years, I haven't done anything. And don't beat yourself up for that. I've been there so many times. I always find myself there. When I say shit should've started earlier. We all can say that, right.
There's no point in looking backwards, but it will be more painful because time is the biggest asset we have. So consider the opportunity cost for not moving, despite the fear. Number six is, can you get up and try again? We have this fatalist mentality in society where it's like, oh, I failed once. Therefore I am a failure.
No, you're never a failure. Unless you lay down and accept defeat. Get up and try again. So you didn't get the job. Okay. Try again. The business. I always remind myself with business. What happens [00:18:00] if it goes under? Great. I start again. There's no true failure. Okay. The first weight loss attempt, trying to do it in a way that's really sustainable.
You only lost three pounds instead of the 10 that you wanted to. Great. Get up and try again. There's no real failure, unless you give up. That is the only time you fail. Truly. Just get up and try again. And that should provide so much. Comfort to you. That there's no. Terminal end until you die. So you can always, always, always try again.
Number seven.
And this is a very important one. Is self-compassion. The best for last. Focus on being there for yourself. No matter what the outcome is. Oftentimes what we actually fear is our own. Self judgment. Self-flagellating. Does beating ourselves up saying I won't approve of me if I fail. And this is where, when it comes to body image, I talk [00:19:00] about in was so crucial for me along my journey with food and health and. Going through gaining 30 pounds and then losing it again.
And just all the in-betweens I've been through is understanding that having my own back, no matter what is the most powerful thing on the planet. So what if I fail, I have my own back. I still respect myself. I still show up with dignity and respect for myself. That is the most important thing. Uh, most people fear their own internal dictator more than they fear the judgment from other people. You can withstand anything.
If you know that you are going to have your own back and walk with your shoulders back in your head held high. So what. You lose 10 pounds and you gain back a couple. Who keeps a shit shoulders back. You're learning. You're human and you do it again. No one can make you feel less than unless you sit there and you subscribed to that story. You must have your own back and treat yourself with [00:20:00] compassion as a human. All of this in summary, you're human.
Like the rest of us peasants, no one gets out of the, out of the human experience without having to navigate this, all of these fears.
It's so very normal. And I love reading the success stories that come up, stories of people who I admire and dig into where they started and the hurdles they overcame, because that gets on my brain of. They're just like me. If they can do it, I can do it. There's no reason I can't achieve anything. I truly believe that all of us are capable of every, every single thing that we want in our lives. But we have all these stories and we're not able to navigate, not overcome.
Cause these fears will always be there navigate and work with these fears. Recognizing that it's part of the human experience. It's one of the biggest challenges we have is prehistoric brains and nervous systems wiring. That are not designed for fulfillment. They're designed for safety. And if you can't learn to [00:21:00] sit without an overcome that that you're going to stay stuck forever. So I really hope that this gave you something too. Sink your teeth into to consider and ponder and recognize that if you feel that fear of failure, you're normal and it's time to work with it. Work with it.
Sit with it. We're going to continue moving forward, despite it. Okay. So hop on over to Instagram. Let me know. If this episode was valuable for you, if you'd like to see more of this, I'm hoping to start out my YouTube channel again and have all of these podcast episodes of me and more beautiful visual setting. And talking more about personal development stuff.
So we'd love to hear your thoughts on that. And love to you all so much. I will see you in the next episode.