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The Uncommon Communicator
The Uncommon communicator is the individual that has the enlightenment, to recognize in any situation, whether or not communication has occurred. This uncommon communicator takes ownership of the conversation and possess the skills to navigate and facilitate the conversation to mutual understanding. Taking on the experts as well as the Sophist of old to help bring clarity to the lost art of true communications.
The Uncommon Communicator
E110 - THROWBACK Questions anyone?
Have you ever wondered why some conversations leave you feeling invigorated while others feel like a dead end? Tune in as Brandon and I dissect the art of asking questions that aren't just fillers but gateways to deeper connection and understanding. Our latest episode of Uncommon Communicator podcast peels back the layers of communication, emphasizing how a blend of curiosity and the right questions can transform dialogues from mundane to meaningful.
In a candid exchange, we revisit the nuances of curiosity, examining how a sprinkle of information can entice interest, while too much can douse it. Drawing inspiration from the thrill of a TikTok scroll, we discuss strategies to strike that delicate balance, ensuring we keep our conversations as engaging and stimulating. We hone in on the art of listening intently, stressing the significance of comprehending responses to craft thoughtful follow-up questions. It's not enough to simply ask; caring about the answers is the cornerstone of rich communication.
Wrapping up with a deep dive into the craft of open-ended questions, we share tales from our own experiences where conversation dominance led to missed opportunities. By learning to embrace the unpredictability of responses and adapting our approach accordingly, we open ourselves to a world of meaningful interactions. We leave you with three key takeaways: nurture your curiosity, sharpen your listening skills, and become adept at asking open-ended questions. These insights will arm you with the tools to invigorate your everyday conversations and forge connections that resonate.
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Welcome to the Uncom communicator podcast, where we bring enlightenment to the topic of communication. Are you ready to take ownership of your conversations? Are you looking to possess the skills to navigate and facilitate conversations to a mutual understanding? What are you waiting for? Have your growth mindset and let's go. Welcome to this week's episode. We are doing a bit of a throwback and going back to episode 43. Questions anyone. In this episode, we talk about being curious, being a listener and how to ask some open ended questions, and we go into some of the brain science. So sit back and enjoy this episode. How are you today, guys? Good, brandon.
Speaker 1:The voice is getting better. The voice is getting better, although you have admitted that you openly enjoy your cigarette voice.
Speaker 2:I'm really enjoying it.
Speaker 1:So we're all going to be very upset when James picks up cigarettes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, that's not going to happen. I actually heard that there was a guy who had….
Speaker 1:The sacrifices he will make for this… it's for the podcast.
Speaker 2:There was a guy at the Toastmasters convention that was doing the announcing and this guy had golden voice. He had to go up and shake his hand, which I did. I went up and met him and I made some comment to somebody else about him smoking cigarettes or cigars and they're actually… that's actually worse for your voice. Guys like that really take care of their voice and that's, I think, a big key for me over this this has been now almost three weeks is that I'm probably not taking care of it like a professional voice guy, because I got work to do.
Speaker 1:You should go get tips from who…. Yeah, chris Collinsworth had the issues with his voice. Yes, first weekend of football.
Speaker 2:He made his annoying voice even worse.
Speaker 1:Anyway, so both of us have our tea, and you can maybe count the amount of times that we sip our tea throughout this episode. We're going to get through it, though, but today's… there's so many questions to ask.
Speaker 2:First of all, Well, is that your first time you've had tea? Have you had tea before? Did you make the tea yourself, and what flavor of tea do you like to use? And did you put honey in your tea?
Speaker 1:So no, it's not the first time I've had tea. Yes, I did make the tea myself. I do enjoy tea and yes, I do put a lot of honey in my tea because I have to, otherwise it's just poorly flavored water.
Speaker 2:Nice, well played. You answered all of my questions, killed it. But what really stirred me to have this discussion today to talk about questions is I was in a situation where there was somebody posing questions almost rhetorically, I don't know, but they were asking so… they were just shooting out so many things at once. I don't know if they wanted me to answer them or if they were just being rhetorical, and then at the end of that I wasn't taking notes very well. So you pick and choose the ones that you want and then am I perceived as only doing the ones that…? Did I… was it a no when I didn't answer some of his questions? But it made that idea of when asking questions you got to be pointed at. Asking that and asking questions is absolutely a skill, and it's a skill of the uncommon communicator.
Speaker 1:Yeah right, the point of asking a question is to get a result. Right, like you're trying to get information from somebody. You're trying to get somebody to think a certain way, to create…. You know that is what questions are, and if you're not… If you're not going to wait for the information or wait for the question to be answered just in general, or the process to occur after the question has been answered, because it's necessarily… With a rhetorical question, you're not looking for, you know, an answer. You're just looking for that kind of like a thought to impact the people in the room. So you need to…. Just like when you say something out loud, like if I looked at you and I said screw you, james, I'm probably waiting for that kind of a reaction. You should do the same thing with your questions. You don't want to just keep asking a bunch of questions. Like you want your…. Just like any other form of communication, you want your words to have an impact, just like you want your questions to have an impact.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I've also worked around somebody else who would hey, I want to get James's opinion, james, what's your opinion on this? Because…. And then they went on and told this whole other thing, never gave me an opportunity to give my opinion. So clearly it wasn't a question or an interest. And I think that's what's really going to come down to our key as we talk about communication today Is you really have to care, you really have to be concerned for an answer? Because that person just saying, okay, I'm going to include you, come on in. So I started listening and at that point my opinion didn't really matter.
Speaker 2:But for today, I think we're going to cover three really important things today, and there's lots of things that we could cover on the idea of questions, but the first one is you have to be curious. You genuinely have to have a curious mindset to be a good question asker and, in general, if you're a curious person, you're also going to make your listeners feel, you know, engaged and open to answer to you. If you're genuinely curious about it. Are you asking questions just to get them talking, so you can check your phone and your mail? That's not curiosity.
Speaker 1:I was like are you asking questions that you already know the answer to? Just so that way you can say haha, you know the purpose behind these questions are important, but what's number two?
Speaker 2:Number two is be a listener, and I think that part is important. If you're really a good question asker specifically follow up questions you got to be engaged in that person and listening. Are you really listening to it to come up with your point or are you listening to be able to come up with more interest, more questions that are going to happen? So you really need to be a good listener. And the third one is really how to ask questions, because there are ways to ask. Are there good ways and bad ways to ask questions?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we've been over how there are. There's no such thing as dumb questions, right, like we've discussed that on this podcast before and we've openly admitted that, yes, there are such things as dumb questions. However, as teacher, I think we went over it in the teacher Yep. So, but as a teacher or a right you need to create an environment where there shouldn't feel like there is any dumb questions, because you want everybody to be heard, Because if they ask a question, as a teacher you need to be able to, number one, probably answer the question and number you know, you know. Number two, you need to be able to facilitate them getting to that answer. So, asking open any questions and you have to be able to allow them to elaborate, because you need them to have that thought process that that question has not created.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's, I think, really the key. Going beyond just being you know a teacher and asking those open, any questions, just you and I having a conversation. You, if I ask you yes and no questions, you're going to stop it. Yes, you're going to stop it. No, you're going to give a fact and that's the end of the conversation and if you're fortunate, that person might elaborate on it. But a lot of times, especially if they're a closed person, they're not going to elaborate on those on that question at all. So you have to word your questions differently. So today we're going to talk about those things, three things. You got to be curious and that was quite a rabbit hole to go down for the both of us. Be a listener, ask open ended questions. So I'm curious.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm just saying no, you're just making a statement. Yeah, does it sound like?
Speaker 2:a question.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, no, so you, you, you. You said this on like a question. You're curious about what James.
Speaker 2:See now, they didn't see that that's two questions I don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and now I'm confused. I wasn't taking notes. We slow it down, but being curious really is something that drives our listeners. It drives, it should be driving us, and I think I have, especially over the last three or four years, maybe longer. I've always been curious, so I'm always asking questions because I want to know, I'm always wanting to learn, I want to learn new things, and in doing that it creates that. But going back to my moments of silence that I had when I lost my voice, I found that even as a listener, I wasn't getting all the information that my mind wanted and even though I couldn't really communicate with words, I had these follow up questions I want more. You're not giving it to me. So that's kind of that spirit of curiousness, curiosity, curiosity.
Speaker 1:Which, so we found some legit science on curiosity.
Speaker 2:We love brain science. We really do love some. We really do love some Uncommon communicator.
Speaker 1:Brain science yes, we do. This gentleman's name is George Loewenstein I apologize if I got it wrong. Described curiosity as a cognitive induced deprivation that arises from the perception of a gap in knowledge and understanding, says Loewenstein's information. Or Loewenstein's information gap theory holds that curiosity functions like the driver's seat, such as hunger, which motivates eating, right, like when you can activate curiosity in some way. So like if you have a speech or if you're training somebody, or just something in general, like that where you're going to ask a question, sparking that curiosity in that individual is the key because, much like hunger, right, you have to go eat. That's what he's equating.
Speaker 1:Like you get hungry, you go eat. When your curiosity is activated, you go find the answer. And our ability to find answers has changed. You no longer like oh, I wonder what that actor was in that one movie that I'm trying to think of. It was the plane, right, and you used to have to sit down at the dinner table and have that conversation with, like everybody, sometimes you wouldn't come up with the answer. Now everybody just pulls out the phone and you come up with the answer right away.
Speaker 2:But there is a quick response to that now. Right, so there is no more of that. How do you call it? Just stirring the curiosity, because there's been lots of times where I'm like it'll come to me, right and as my brain is processing it, and then usually it's in the middle of the night, three days later I got it, it comes out.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So it just goes on to say let me finish this up real quick. Says building on this theory, loewenstein's time suggests that a small amount of information serves as a priming dose. Right, like I'm over here, like you, when you prime a lawnmower, right, you got to prime it before he gained the chain to get it going. So we're just priming that, which greatly increases curiosity. Now here's where it gets a little bit tricky. Consumption of information is rewarding, but eventually, with enough information is consumed, saturation occurs and information serves to reduce further curiosity. So you can reach a limit, right? So just kind of how you were demonstrating with all your questions, where you could ask 67 questions in a row, fine, you've maybe peaked my curiosity, or now I, because you seem curious, right, I'm intrigued, so now I have to answer your questions. We've created that deprivation, but in asking so many questions, you've, like, oversaturated my ability to answer those questions.
Speaker 2:So there's two things that really stick out. I love that idea of priming. If I look at, say, presentations or conversations, I've had plenty of those where you're like this is going, it lost my interest, Maybe it was never primed either. I love that idea that you got to prime it with a little curiosity, Like I'm listening to. I'm always drawn to like really intelligent people. I love hanging out with people that I know that are smarter than me Just a lot of people. Huh, I should look at that. But thinking about people that are smarter than me, I'm always wanting to learn. So there's that prime and they're going. I know I'm going to get some more information when he yanks my chain.
Speaker 1:That's kind of a weird analogy that you had, but just a rope, but you know, I mean you get revved up right. Like you get going and then you start hitting the books and you get the knowledge and you do the thing.
Speaker 2:But that well, but that satiation idea kind of fits in our cognitive load theory that we talked about the other day too, is you can hit a point where that that's all you got right. You've hit your point, you. You peak that level of curiosity. Maybe there's nothing new in there, but the whole idea kind of wrapping this around to you know, being an uncommon communicator and the idea of questions is you've got to have that spirit of curiosity to ask those questions from people so you can know, you know, know more about them.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, and like I said, and just as you were discussing right, he equates it to hunger, and hunger is a great example because sure, you can be hungry, you can ask the questions, you can find the information, but after a certain period of time there's only so many of the bacon rat flaming, young from Texas state of Brazil, that we can eat. There is a saturation point.
Speaker 2:There is, there is apparently a limit to our eating, and I think for me it's the amount of salt I just consumed. But there we, you hit the meat sweats right with that, and so I think this is kind of that same idea. You get that saturation point, you get the information sweats.
Speaker 1:Maybe that's exactly it.
Speaker 2:See, we're creating science here, the information sweats and just to kind of wrap up the idea of being curious, I think there's probably a whole episode probably tied up as we dive into this idea of curiosity and our communications. But the idea that there's actual dopamine that is released when you are satiated by getting, by gaining your curiosity, your answers, and that dopamine, which I hadn't really thought about it to now, is a lot like the TikTok where, as you're scrolling through these videos, there's a curiosity about it, but there's short little hits of this dopamine. I knew that that was hitting, I knew they were called, you know hits of dopamine, but I never thought about it being that curiosity level where this is new, this is unique. You know, there's times when you see videos for the second time you're like I've already seen it. Right, you don't want to see it again, Even if it was a good one.
Speaker 1:But you scroll up and you find out what the next video is. Yeah, so you move on, cause you're curious to see what the next one is.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and you know they used to be 15 second videos. They've moved on to be longer ones and when I've watched on TikTok even if I'm enjoying it like a comedian will put on two, three minutes in there. I'll get to the end. I'm like that's it, let's move on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so let's discuss this. Be a listener.
Speaker 2:So be a listener. We've talked about this in other podcasts and we'll put a link into our show notes to go listen to our episode 37, which is on epithetic listening. And if you go back and it was probably early on in episode two, three or four somewhere in there, when we were talking about negotiation skills, that I loved that book by Chris Voss never spoke the difference because it was really about listening. To be a good negotiator, you got to be a listener, but with that, really the key is active listeners need to avoid at all costs interrupting people. If you're going to actively listen, don't interrupt. Summarize, repeat back that's kind of that. Labels, the mirrors, things we talked about in our earlier episodes, and then really observe body language All of these things really give you a better level of understanding. So you really need to be a listener as well too. Don't just listen to have your prepare your next statement. You're genuinely listening to somebody.
Speaker 1:Cause you like. So you need to be able to get this seek, this information right. So the the function of a question is to bring up this information and then, regardless, you can ask the question and then not listen to the answer, and then your question served no function, or at least your question failed at its function.
Speaker 2:It failed at its function, and I think a lot of times they fail at its function because there's not a genuine curiosity to begin with and then you're not genuinely listening. Sometimes we're just asking a question, for I've seen that before. Somebody's asked me a question just so they could get a break, so they can go check their phone while I'm talking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so nice.
Speaker 1:And the other bits of this is is too, because we did discuss leading questions, right, cause there are people that will just ask you a question but they've already Either a got their mind made up or be like, know the answer that they wanted, the answer that they're looking for. And and this is a tough one for me because I Ask a lot of leading questions when I try to teach somebody something or when you try to explain something to somebody, right, because a lot of the time Excuse me a lot of the time you need them to think, you need them to come up with the answer on their own Right, like you need to give them the information, maybe with a couple of questions, but you need their brain to Chug along with you, right, as much as you can tell some other, the answer is be if they don't learn what the actual answer be is, then they did, probably didn't learn what it was well, and you hit a great point in that in regards to Because I've got kind of mixed emotions on that one as well too.
Speaker 2:But I think it's twofold Really. The leading question idea is just that you want to help. You know the answer, but you want to help that person develop that answer and then they're gonna own it. You want them to make those decisions, let their brain, you know synapses fire and then connect with it. But the other side, which I think is the dark side of it, is the leading questions to kind of lead somebody into a trap, and I think that's why we as humans or I know myself I'm kind of of put off by those people asking questions that they already know the answer to, because they're doing it in a way that they're trying to set you up.
Speaker 2:So those type of leading questions I don't think are great uncommon communicator traits, because you're doing that to really set somebody up, and I know people that do it actively that is their form of Leading questions, are always going to do that. But you really want to lead with questions, especially if you're coaching and mentoring, to not just give the answer away, let them lead into it, and sometimes leading somebody through those aha moments can take days or weeks. You're planting stuff in there without feeding it to them, because when they get it, they're gonna get it. They're gonna be able to teach other people right and minutes.
Speaker 1:It's important to because, especially let's just say that you're asking a question out of, like you know, pure lack of knowledge as well, right? So I think we've talked a lot about the teaching aspect of questions. Because it's hard, because we're here on a podcast, apparently, you know, attempting to teach communications or to teach the uncommon communicator way, so we swear teaching. So it's hard for us to put ourselves into the seat of a learner sometimes, and it seems really, really stupid. Right, you can have all these questions, but if you don't actually listen to the answer, then you're not gonna get there.
Speaker 1:So, as a learner, from a learning perspective, if you're gonna ask the question, you need to wait for the response. Right, like you, there's been times where I've asked a question and then, like, after I've verbalized it, obviously your brain's thinking about it, right? Sometimes, after verbalizing it, I go through and I'm like, oh wait, that's the answer. But, like you know what, maybe if I would just shut up, james is gonna tell me more than what I originally would have. So then, so I'd be a listener, because if you're gonna ask the question, you're probably gonna get a response, and the response is probably going to be the answers to that question.
Speaker 2:And on that listening idea that I know for me I've changed, I think, as I've become, in my mind, a better communicator and I have information that I want to share with the world. I really enjoy coaching and mentoring. I've been out a couple of times, you know lunch or something and realize that I was doing all the talking right, like hearing my voice Right, so I'm just going along with it. When I realized at the end of that I missed opportunities to ask about somebody's wife, ask about their dad was going through stuff. I'm missing those things. So those are things that even as we develop as better speakers, communicators, we we change that method and then not necessarily in a good way and I found myself having to go back to basics, which is really that genuine curiosity. I lost it when I just felt like my information was that important and it never is. Maybe this for the moment that person needs to hear something, but if you're losing people, then that's because you've lost that level of curiosity.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm. All right, so let's discuss open-ended questions, and or do you want to discuss rhetorical questions as well?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think we should, because those tie in to Really the process of asking questions and I think we're gonna you know, we can talk about that at the end as well, too is there's more than just the open-ended questions, but let's start with open-ended questions really, and oh, it's really simple. An open-ended question is a question that can't be answered with a yes or no. It's that simple, and we asked them a lot. I've been involved in even some panel discussions where the moderator would ask a question hey, you really like you've been in construction, you've really enjoyed it, right, I mean, these were supposed to get me to elaborate about my career, where in reality, that was yes.
Speaker 1:You need. I was like can we, can you get a different example of an open-ended question? Because the way that you phrase it, with a Right at the very end, completely undermined the entire thing that you're your entire question, because it's like you like construction, right? Yes, that was the question, so rephrase that one for me, and we'll try again.
Speaker 2:Which that would been a good point of taking ownership of it. But you don't necessarily want to do that in a panel discussion with somebody who I should have had that discussion with earlier. But that's exactly right. You have to ask those questions appropriately, open-ended questions. Typically I use a lot of house what do you think Asking open-ended questions about? What do you know about the topic? What do you think about those topics? It's all in that phrasing and you can, and for me it's a practice. You have to learn how to ask these questions the right way or they come across as those kind of close-ended questions.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, right, and that's so. I mean open-ended. The hard part about open-ended questions are you never truly know the response you're going to get. Right, yes or no questions. You got a 50-50 shot of what answer you're going to get. You can ask an open-ended question. It's kind of like asking somebody how their day is. That's a can of worms that you can open up and you have no idea what's in that can. Heck, it could be snakes instead of worms. We don't know.
Speaker 2:Well, and that's one of the worst questions that we ask almost every day how are you doing? What's everybody going to answer, fine, good, what if you said, hey, I like that shirt. Or, even better, where'd you get that shirt? That engages a conversation about whatever shirt that they're wearing, or hat, or whatever they're doing. Those become the open-ended questions, even though how is your day becomes such a platitude of response. But examples are why, how, what describe? I really like that one. Describe to me what you're thinking there. So then it creates this. All right, I'm going to create a narrow. I'm now required, as a speaker, from your question to be more descriptive. Tell me about what do you think about? I think those are a lot of the ones where I want to get out of just the facts and really get into the opinion of that person, the thoughts of that person on something, because those do become those very open-ended questions.
Speaker 1:And then it helps to get you and said individual on the same page as well, where sometimes it's, you can be like all right, there have been times where I've been at work and I have seen the actions of other individuals and I'm like, bro, what was the I'm doing, the math that you're doing right now?
Speaker 1:And absolutely zero of my math got me to that conclusion that you had there. And so then you have to you have to add, you're like, bro, what you're doing right, like you ask the question of what you ask for, the thought process, what are you doing, how are you doing it? Why did you do it this way? And then again, going back to being a listener, after you ask that open-ended question, you then have to listen to their response and ideally their response should give you insights of what it is, but not all the time. But you do have to listen. You can't just like ask the question, turn your brain off and be like, no, you should have done this instead. Absolutely not, because you need to try and understand where they're coming from.
Speaker 2:And you have to be prepared that they're not gonna answer your question because it was so open-ended. In your mind you're thinking of something more specific. I've had that happen a lot too, and then, especially if somebody is a talker not necessarily communicator they might go off into left field on your open-ended question, not even getting close to where you were headed. So the recommendation there is maybe narrow it in. Narrow it's actually narrow. Yeah, I'm not. Yeah, I do have family from Oklahoma.
Speaker 1:It's too narrow. You got a narrow in the question.
Speaker 2:So shout out to Uncle Bobby, shout out to Uncle Bobby in Oklahoma. Now those things. Sometimes you have to maybe be more specific if that person kind of goes off on that kind of tangent because they're just filling it in with words. But one thing I like is to specifically ask if you're really asking a question, ask one question. Sometimes we feel like we're under this pressure to ask two questions or three and you're gonna lose where you're going.
Speaker 2:And this goes to RFIs, request for information. When we're talking contractually or on projects. We will look at the drawings and we'll have a question. We have to go ask a clarifying information and we're taught on how to do that as well. And if you ask three things of an architect or four, they're only gonna answer one. And now you've taken this one step process of getting information from them. They're gonna pick the one that they got the easy answer to and then your other three didn't get answered. Then there's these back and forth. So what's the same with our conversations is ask one question, get your answer. If you need a follow up, you kind of move on. Now one thing that I thought was kind of interesting I never really thought about this in regards to teaching is having that kind of two step questioning. It's really fine to do. It's fine to do this and this is kind of the question that came up. As a teacher you know kind of a teacher example but is it ever right to tell a lie?
Speaker 1:Right, so open-ended question. Oh, very open-ended question, and I would say that just to answer the question. For example, say because I would say yes that it is okay to tell a lie under certain circumstances.
Speaker 2:Why do you think that? So that follow-up question, so that was a, yet it was an open-ended but easily can create that yes or no, and that's kind of that slippery slope of if that person is willing to share and communicate, then you might get stuck with the yes or no. Well, actually it's true, but at least, from there you're prepared for that follow-up question.
Speaker 1:So I think the first question is a yes or no question and then the follow-up is an open-ended question because you need their explanation for the original yes or no answer.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would agree, except I think there are people who, like myself, like that's a tough, that's a very much a morals, open-ended morals question.
Speaker 1:I think it is a morals question that can be answered with a yes or no, and I should have. I missed an opportunity to do this because I should have answered it with yes or no, and then you can ask the follow-up question, which I hate yes or no answers or questions that result in a yes or no.
Speaker 2:But the other side of that is if that person is really willing to justify, then they're going to say yes, but yes, and you know those type of things and then immediately go into their case of defending themselves. But it gives you that opportunity to do that follow-up question and these can fit with a multitude of different types of questions to kind of give a beginner question, get the mind thinking, and that's one thing that I think has been one of the most important things that I've learned in communication is allowing people to process and think. I tend to think out loud, I tend to just go and sometimes I don't allow listeners to process that, and everybody listens differently as well too. I've got a friend at work who he's like to slow it down. You know you're saying a lot here, so give those pauses and don't give so much that. You know thinking out loud is give the thought, let the listener kind of process it.
Speaker 1:You've sparked their curiosity, you've primed their curiosity and now you need to let them either go give you the information and be engaged, or be you know, give them the answer slowly, because you can't just overpower them with all the information at once.
Speaker 2:At that point you lose them, right. It's that cognitive overload. They're done, they're satiated.
Speaker 1:Exactly Alright. So what were the three keys today, james?
Speaker 2:So the keys today have been one be curious. Be curious in nature, be a listener and learn to ask open-ended questions.
Speaker 1:Okay, and what do you think? A UC moment for the day is going to be.
Speaker 2:I think I just said it. I think the UC moment is be curious. Be a listener and ask open-ended questions. Hey, that worked out perfectly Well. There you go.
Speaker 1:That's all I got. That's all I got, james, see you.