Personal Growth Through Step-Parenting - have you changed?

Ever wondered how stepping into the role of a step-parent could completely transform your life? Join me, Martin, on Step Parent World as we unravel the complex yet rewarding journey of becoming a step-parent, all inspired by a heartfelt conversation with a newly minted stepmom client. From the unexpected shifts in your environment to the subtle changes in self-perception, this episode sheds light on the natural evolution of the step-parent role. Whether you're just starting out, have been in this role for years, or are reflecting on your past experiences, this discussion promises valuable insights into how this unique family dynamic fosters personal growth.

In this episode, I share my own experiences and challenges, encouraging you to reflect on yours. The focus is on managing relationships with children, ex-partners, and finding your place within a blended family. The journey can be tough, but it's also incredibly rewarding. This podcast aims to foster a sense of community, providing support for step-parents navigating through these transformative times. Dive into real-life experiences and discover how embracing this role can lead to unexpected personal growth and familial harmony.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:22

Hi guys, martin from Step Parent World, welcome to another podcast. Hope everyone is well. Beautiful day here in the UK, lovely, sunny, warm weather. Hope it's good where you guys are. I'm going to do just a very quick recording podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:38

I had a client message me the other day about she was unsure about the changes she was going through as a, as a step parent. She's quite new to step parenting and, um, I have asked her permission if I can discuss this and she's completely fine with that. Um, yeah, she, she found it really hard that a lot of things were changing around her and I thought it'd make a great, really good podcast. It made me think back to when I was a stepdad and it made me feel, um, that I'd been through it. All the things she was saying to me. I thought, yeah, I've kind of gone through it, but at the time I didn't really feel it was a big change for me. So I thought I'd do a podcast.

Speaker 1: 1:19

Ask you guys how you think and how you feel, whether you're a new step-parent or whether you're you know, you've been step parenting for years, or maybe you're not a step parent any longer what kind of experiences you had and you know what, what things changed for you as a person. Things around you and your environment does naturally change. I don't think, I don't think you can really help that, it's just you. You become into this new environment that's naturally going to change things for you. Um, and I found, when I was a step parent, I kind of just grew into my role. You know, when you, you know when you step into your step family, a lot changes for you as a person. But you also start creating. You probably don't even know you're doing it, but you create this step parent role where you kind of step in. It depends how involved you are with the children, depends how involved you are with the exes, but this role kind of grows around you. You don't even realize it.

Speaker 1: 2:18

And this is what my client was saying. She was saying that I didn't, or she didn't realize the kind of environment that she was going into, and I think that made it harder for her to accept, I suppose. So how, what about you guys? Have you changed? Do you feel that you've changed? When you became a stepmom or a stepdad? Um, you know, and how? How did it change? Did you realize it happened? Did you realise that you was changing as a person, or was it literally just on a day-to-day basis, and in what way? How did it change for you?

Speaker 1: 2:54

I remember for me, literally talking from experience, I found myself very involved quite quickly, which was fine by me and it actually worked for me and I was happy to do it. But again, it kind of grew and it grew quickly. Some people it grows quite slowly because they kind of not that they can control it, but they kind of don't allow things to grow so quick for them, because some people can't take it. Some people get overwhelmed with it and they feel that it's too much. They either back off or they discuss it with their partner or, you know, they put the brakes on a little bit. But for me it kind of just was quite natural and I think that's why it was so quick and I think if it's been a positive experience, I think you should embrace it and it can be. You know, I know, I know step parenting can be a very negative thing. I know there's quite, you know there's quite a negative thing surrounded being a step parent and it can be. But it can also be a very positive thing and that's what I'm trying to do today and it can be, but it can also be a very positive thing, and that's what I'm trying to do today. I'm trying to make it seem as a positive change for you people that are new, or you guys that might be in stepfamilies now that might possibly be struggling, and sometimes the struggle comes from not being prepared to maybe change how you think, how you feel your environment, and I know sometimes, as step parents, we have to perhaps back down a little bit and make it easier for ourselves by, um, maybe changing how we think, changing how we feel, changing how we see people and especially, probably most important thing, changing how you see yourself. Um, so, yeah, I think it's quite a positive thing for me, um, which is fantastic and it's great. And you know, if you do feel you're changing. This is the difference. This is what I'm trying to get at. If it's a positive change, it's great. If it's a natural change, I think it's great.

Speaker 1: 4:53

If you find that it's a change that you're having to do to keep other people happy, or a change that you're having to do in the person you are to make other people happy, that is not okay. That's not a good environment to be in. You know, no one should change, not just step parents, biological parents. If you're having to do it to please someone else, like your partner, or you're having to do it to keep the children happy, whether that be bio children or your step children, that's not okay. That's got to stop, because all it's going to do is lead to resentment, and you know why? Should you please other people? Um, so there is a difference. You should be allowed to be yourself. You should feel that you're not being put in a position where you have to change things to please other people, because that's going to yeah, it's going to cause a lot of um conflict for yourself and probably a lot of conflict between you and your partner as well.

Speaker 1: 5:47

Um, but I did feel, feel, going back to what I was saying about when I became a stepdad, I did feel that my world changed, but it changed very fast and very quickly and it was quite scary, but not in a bad way. I actually really enjoyed it. I really liked it. You know, I've suddenly become a stepdad and yeah, yeah, go back to that word I used I embraced it. I definitely embraced it and I loved it.

Speaker 1: 6:12

But I know that's not the same for everyone and it's very easy to lose yourself, and I think there were times when I lost myself in my new step-parent family, my step-parent world, if you like. Bit of a plug there for my step-parent world, because it's very different to your previous life and it can be a bit of a minefield where you tread through it, because sometimes you know you can get an explosion, go off and you think, oh, my God, what am I doing? Why have I changed everything? Why have I changed my life? Why am I now doing things for other people's children? Why am I now in this world where I don't have control of what I do? Because I have other people to consider, especially, you know, if you're looking after other people's children on a daily basis, whether it's a step-mom or step-dad, that's huge um. So, yeah, very challenging. But I'd love to hear about it, love to hear about your um, your main challenges that you had when you went to your step-family um.

Speaker 1: 7:10

But I think, as time goes by, I think we naturally change with, like I said, the new environment we're in, and I think that's the same in life. It's like if you go to a new job. I think you you become a little bit of a different person because you might be in a different role in your job or you might potentially have more responsibility, which, again, because a step parent can have a huge, huge responsibility. Um, like I said, especially if you're in care of other people's children, and that can be very daunting and very, very scary because I think I mean, I've been a stepdad and I'm a biological dad as well and I think when you're taking care of your own children it's not easier, but I think you feel a bit more different because you're kind of, well, I'm, I'm dad or I'm mum, they're my son and my daughter, so I, I'm confident and okay with it.

Speaker 1: 7:59

When you're looking after other people's children are your stepchildren it can give you a gray area because you can think am I allowed to do this? Am I allowed to say this? Am I allowed to discipline them? Am I allowed to? I'm getting onto another podcast here, but you know I'm am I allowed to do excuse me, my boss just falling down am I allowed to do all these sort of things? Because I don't feel I always have rights, because they're not my birth children, my biological children.

Speaker 1: 8:25

So, again, that's huge, very, very different environment. And if you're going into a step family and bringing your own children to the step family. That's big as well, because you've got to kind of balance something. Well, can I? Can I treat my step children same as my biological children? If I turn around to say, my son and my daughter, they have to go to bed at nine? What if the step children go to bed at half nine?

Speaker 1: 8:46

So there's a lot, a lot of things to change that can have a big effect on you, um, and I think it can be a healthy change. I think it's a good thing. I think I don't think you can avoid change when you go into a step family, because there's so much to consider and there's so many people to consider and there's so many different levels of ages, responsibilities. So, yeah, it's naturally, it's going to happen naturally. But I think I learned more as a step-parent when I was making mistakes and learning from the actual mistakes, and I think that's where often the change comes from.

Speaker 1: 9:20

Because if you're doing something, and you've done it for years with your biological children, and then you meet your partner and they've got children and you mix the children together, there's going to be quite a bit. You're going to have to be quite flexible, I think, with how other people consider things, how people see things. Like I say, bedtimes going out. There may be quite different morals maybe, or priorities, if you like, and you may see things very differently with how your, your partner, parents. But I want it to be. I want this podcast to be a positive one. I don't want it to be a negative one. So what I'm trying to say is try and embrace the change if you can and I know it's hard to accept, I know sometimes it's hard to maybe take a step back and think, yeah, this isn't what I normally do, this isn't the way I normally do things. I normally do things very differently. So sometimes it's okay to accept that you might have to be a little bit flexible and tweak things a little bit.

Speaker 1: 10:15

But I the most important thing to come out this podcast today, guys, is do not change for anyone else. Do not change if it's a negative change. Do not change if it means you've got to change your personality or your or how you think or how you feel. That is not okay. That's a very toxic place to be and can be, like I said earlier on, can really lead to some pretty awful resentment. So there is a very big difference between changing because you want to, and being made to change. So there is a big difference. Thanks guys for listening.

Speaker 1: 10:48

I told you it'd be a quick one. It's kind of something that just happened when I was mentoring my client yesterday and she she emailed me after it, um, and it was great, it was a really, really good session. We we kind of opened up quite a few doors for her, I think. So if you are struggling with this, please, please, come for help. Please don't sit there, um, worrying about having to change things because it's fine, it's actually gonna be a really, really positive thing and it can massively benefit you and people around you as well. And I think sometimes problems and or problems escalate into bigger, bigger things and it can cause all sorts of destruction. You don't want that. So change can be a really good, healthy thing. So if you do need any help with that, do please visit wwwstepparentworldcom. Feel free to message me, email me if you want to book any mentoring sessions.

Speaker 1: 11:39

I'm kind of doing I've kind of was a step family coach and I still am, but I've offered so much advice recently I've kind of gone over to be a bit more of a mentor, because I've got a lot to offer and I've got a lot to offer to my clients from my own experience and to what I've learned on my courses and the books I've read, etc. Etc. So I'm kind of trying to help people more with my own experiences, because I think it's great to coach someone or mentor someone if you've been through the same situation as those. So please, please, please, do go and visit my website. There's lots of podcasts on there. There's some good blogs on there. There's some great advice from some other parents on there, as well as other coaches. So have a great day, guys. Thank you very much for listening. Really appreciate it, and please do get in touch if I can help at all, and have a great day. Cheers, guys. Speak to you soon.