Practical Steps to Be Appreciated in Your Blended Family

Ever wondered why your contributions as a step-parent often go unnoticed? Uncover practical strategies to feel more appreciated and valued in our latest episode of Step Parent World. We revisit the theme of appreciation, inspired by your positive feedback, and provide actionable steps to transform your feelings of being unappreciated. From asking introspective questions to stopping unappreciated chores, we guide you through making your efforts more visible and valued. By writing down these questions and tasks, you'll find it easier to hold yourself accountable and make impactful changes.

Hear the inspiring story of a client who went on strike with non-essential chores, resulting in her family recognizing and appreciating her contributions. Discover how creating written contracts outlining household responsibilities can ensure long-term support and prevent old habits from creeping back in. Tune in to learn how small but significant changes can foster a more supportive and appreciative environment, making you feel truly valued in your step-parenting role.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:21

Morning guys. Martin from Step Parent World here. How are we all? I think, if I remember, it was pouring hard on my last podcast Guess what? Pouring hard again. Crazy, crazy weather. How's things with you guys?

Speaker 1: 0:38

Did you enjoy my last podcast, which was about appreciation and feeling appreciated, which I've had quite a lot of feedback from, which is great. So thank you to all of you that have messaged me. I've had a few emails and I've had a few voice notes as well. So on my website there's a little picture on I can't remember it's the bottom left corner, bottom right corner of a microphone so you can actually leave a voice recording. You don't even have to type anything, just leave a little voice recording of anything, any comments you want to make on the podcasts, anything you want to ask me. It's a really great way of doing it. I think it allows you to record for about two minutes, I think. So thanks, guys. Really appreciate that, right? So I've come back on to do or to help you feel a bit more appreciated.

Speaker 1: 1:27

So the last podcast was um, it's something I've been wanting to do for a little while. It's so crucial that you feel good about what you're doing and appreciated for what you're doing. So I'm going to kind of give you some ideas of how to get appreciated and the kind of things you can change as well to feel a bit more valued. Okay, so I've had a few ideas, I've come up with a few questions. I was thinking about this last night. Think about some questions to ask yourself as a step-parent how would you or what would feel differently for you? So if you felt more valued, how would you feel? How would you feel differently to what you're feeling at the moment? Okay, so these are just like searching questions, questions for you to like, if things were different, how would you actually feel? What can you do on a daily basis to change how you feel? So it might be something that you don't even know you're doing every day that may potentially cause you to put yourself in a position.

Speaker 1: 2:22

It's as parents, it's so easy to just keep doing the do and keep being there for I don't know whoever it is your partner or your stepchildren, even your biological children this isn't just about stepchildren, even your biological children and we all, as parents, say, oh, it's so much easier just to do it. It's don't, don't get into an argument about it, it's just easier. If I do it, no, because that's just going to keep repeating itself. Um, how long have you felt unappreciated? This is a really good one. Can you remember I probably expect many of you can't go back to how far back you last felt appreciated. It's a really good question to ask yourself also who or what is causing you to feel this way. Um, I spoke about this on the last podcast, with identifying what's making you feel unappreciated, and is it a certain thing? Is it the same thing over and over again? Is it the same person over and over again? So that's a crucial thing as well. Once you find out this, it's easier to tackle it. So they're all challenging questions to ask yourself and search for the solution that works for you and a really good tip for you.

Speaker 1: 3:27

A great way to do it write those questions down and look at them. I know it sounds, I know it might sound daft. If something's written in front of you, it's sometimes easier to think about it. Um, I sometimes do it when I'm doing my coaching sessions or my mentoring sessions with my clients. I'll I'll stick bullet notes all over my wall of the kind of things we need to. You know, the kind of things we need to tackle the kind of things we need to maybe hold ourselves to account for, and it just gives you, gives your mind, a little bit of a jump to think, oh yeah, I remember I've got to do that or I've got to make sure I deal with this. So, yeah, maybe write them down and then have a little look at them. Okay, let's get down to what you can do, okay.

Speaker 1: 4:10

So I suggest, stop doing for these people who are making you feel this way. It's probably number one thing I'm going to mention today in the podcast. It's something you need to make sure you're happy to do, okay. So I'll give you an example. Let's just say, for example, it's something probably you'll come across the dishes, so let's say, the washing up. All right if, if you're doing it every single day and you know I remember back, yeah, I remember back that when I used to do washing up, um, people would just bring plates along with all the food left on it. You should drive me nuts. I'm like, hang on a minute. I'm trying to wash up here. I'm not going to scrape your plate as well. Those sort of little things are what build up to the bigger things. So stop doing it. You know, if there's food on the plate, don't scrape it.

Speaker 1: 4:56

If you're being almost put in a position where you're washing up every single day because it's easier for you to do it, stop doing it, okay, um, ask your partner. So I reckon probably possibly the fear for you is you'll be thinking hang on a minute, if I don't do it, it's just going to pile up and pile up and pile up and you know there's gonna be no dishes left, it's just gonna be a whole this whole kitchen full of dirty um plates and bowls and knives and forks and cups and all this sort of thing. Let it be, let it be like that. So what you know, you're just gonna have to.

Speaker 1: 5:30

I know it's difficult sometimes because I'm I'm a very clean, clean favor. I want stuff to be clean, I want stuff to be tidy, but this is the only way you're going to show people that they should appreciate you for doing the washing up. If you find this easy, okay. So no washing up. Ask them to do it. Ask your partner to do it. Your children are old enough they can do it. If they're quite young, maybe your partner can supervise them. Okay, if it means the washing up has to be done an hour or two later if your partner's not home, so be it. So you might have to be a little bit flexible, you might have to change a little bit of how you do stuff. But hold yourself to account for this. Don't just go to the sink and do it because it's easier. Okay, um, and the great thing about this, it actually shows them how much you actually do. Okay. So if they build up, it gets to become a mess. They'll soon notice They'll go to the cupboard and be like no plates, no bowls, and they're going to start to realise and hopefully appreciate you for what you are actually doing.

Speaker 1: 6:29

This is just an example. It could be literally anything. You know, imagine if you stopped doing the laundry. If that's one of the things that's causing you the most grief, what would happen? Would it? Would it cause chaos in your house, you know? Would they come to you and say they haven't got their favorite top or they've got no trousers to wear or no skirts to wear or whatever they wear. Have they run out of clean socks? You know they're going to start thinking what is going on.

Speaker 1: 6:55

This stuff usually just goes from the laundry basket and just ends up back in my drawer, all folded and nice and smelling nice and looking nice and ironed, or it goes back into my wardrobe. It's all hung up for me. Why is this stopped? Okay, where's the laundry fairy gone? There's this little fairy that comes around, does all this laundry. Where's that gone? Well, that fairy's you, okay. So stop.

Speaker 1: 7:20

I know it's going to be hard, I get it, I really do understand, but you've got to stop doing it, okay now. I know there are certain things that we all have to do. I know we have to make sure that the children are safe, taken care of, so. So I noticed certain things, but things like laundry and washing up is not a safety issue or an issue that is going to bring your house to its knees. Okay, it's just going to show the children or your partner how much you actually do. Stop doing, okay Now. Make a point and demand the respect and appreciation you deserve. And this is a little bit of a demonstration of the things you do and, like I said, it could be a multitude of things. There could be so many different things that affect how you're being made to feel, but you've got to act. Okay. Affect how you're being made to feel, but you've got to act. Okay now, I was thinking about this last night, I was thinking about doing this podcast today, and I remember I was helping and supporting a client a few months ago.

Speaker 1: 8:26

She came to me feeling like she was just just like. She felt invisible in her own home, which is an awful place to be and it could be a very lonely place. Um, so the unappreciation that she was receiving, or a lack of appreciation she was receiving, was really putting her in quite a lonely place and it's not nice and it's not okay and it's not a place you should be put in as a step-parent. Okay, um, she said that everyone, um, even including a partner, just expects her to do everything, and this was from cleaning to washing school runs, taking the children to school activities. Now, I know the logistics of families and I spoke about this last podcast. Sometimes one partner works, sometimes one partner will be at home.

Speaker 1: 9:12

I've done both. I actually was a house husband for a year with my little boy, when my ex-wife went out to work, and you know it worked. It worked for both of us. But it's something you have to be very flexible with and something that you have to support each other with, which is what we actually did and actually worked really really well for us, and I think I know it's not always possible and it's probably not reality in a lot of people's lives. I think a lot of dads or stepdads should spend a year with their kids. Um, it's a real eye-opener what mums go through and it's a real um bonus. It's not anything negative. It's actually really really lovely.

Speaker 1: 9:50

I had a great time with my son for a year very hard, really, really really hard, um, but I felt very appreciated. You know, um, I didn't get devalued, if you like. I got appreciated for what I did, but it made me look at how difficult it is for not just mums but anyone that looks after their children on a daily basis, that you then have to do all your chores around the house make, make the house run, look after the house, keep it clean, keep it tidy. It's tough, it's tough, but I enjoyed it. I really actually did enjoy it.

Speaker 1: 10:22

Okay so, yes, so this client she actually said to me she felt exhausted and really overwhelmed, literally with a lack of appreciation for everything she was doing, and she felt that she was starting to shut down, and I think this is where it starts, getting to the point of um, not the point of no return, but it's where you get to the point where you start slowly creeping towards resentment, because you've gone past that. You even think there's a possibility that you're going to be um, valued and respected. You almost think that's not going to happen. And then it starts to turn to resentment, which is what I said last last podcast. Please, please, do not allow yourself to get to the point of when you're going into the world of resentment, because it's awful, awful place to be and you don't have to be there. Okay, all right.

Speaker 1: 11:10

So she came to me at the right time and I said to her you know, is there anything you feel you can do? And she was so at the end of her tether, if you like. She was literally coming to the end of anything or any possibility. She thought things could change. So guess what we did? We put her on strike. She went on strike and I think I did a podcast about this a long, long, long time ago. I'm not sure it's on my website, but I did it on a long, long time ago.

Speaker 1: 11:40

So she went on strike. She downed tools, stopped doing everything as long as the children were safe and healthy and looked after. And you know you never allow, especially if you're in sole custody, not custody. If you're in sole or you're the sole carer of the children, you can't just stop doing it and put them at risk. That's not okay. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is down tools with your chores. So she stopped doing everything. As long as the children were okay, she stopped doing everything.

Speaker 1: 12:09

Now it took just under an hour, she said, for her family to start noticing that she was on strike because she didn't announce it. She didn't tell anyone, which is, I think, the great thing about this. Don't tell them. Just stop doing, literally just stop doing washing, stop doing the washing up. You know, I know things like school runs, etc. Etc. Especially they're little. You've got to carry on doing it. You've got to keep the children safe, but I'm talking about things that other people can help you with. Okay, do you think this sounds extreme? I don't think it does. I think it's a really good way, a great way of showing people how much you actually do. You know why make anyone feel how you're being made to feel it's not okay.

Speaker 1: 12:55

Now, a couple of weeks later, at our next mentoring session, my client. My client came back to me with some amazingly positive news. This is what it can do. Okay, this is what can happen when you show people how much you actually do. Her family had started to see the amount of work, um, that this fantastic step-mom had been doing and she, they began to help her, and a partner even started to realize how much he had been undervaluing this amazing lady, his wife. He didn't realize how much she actually did until she stopped.

Speaker 1: 13:31

Okay, so things began to change. She was saying for the better, and that, um, I think it saved her from feeling more resentful, because she didn't mention resentful or resentment in her mentoring session at all, nothing at all. So there was no risk of relationship, and you know, not just with a partner but their family as well. You know, if you get resentment, it starts off towards your partner because they're not supporting you, but then it starts going towards the rest of the family, whether it be the children or whoever's living with you, because you, you kind of look at them and start resenting them for how they made you feel. She never mentioned this. All she was saying was that everyone starts doing a lot more around the house.

Speaker 1: 14:10

People start to say thank you more to me and please, can I have this? Please can I have that? Um, apparently, um, I think it was her stepson who had a big football game and he can I have this? Please can I have that? Um, apparently, um, I think it was her stepson who had a big football game and he didn't have I think it was his football shirt. And he came to her with the dirty shirt and said please, please, can you wash this for me? Um, I'll hang it out the line or I'll help you whatever I've got to do, but, please, I really need it for Saturday for the game. How amazingly wonderful is that she said what he normally used to do. But please, I really need it for Saturday for the game. How amazingly wonderful is that she said what he normally used to do throw it on the floor that'd be the kitchen floor by the washing machine, or throw it on his bedroom floor and say have you washed my football shirt? You see the difference. Have you washed my football shirt too? Bringing it to her and saying please, please, can you wash this for saturday? I'll help you. I'll put it out in line. There's a massive difference, because he's now seeing how much he does. He now knows, if you don't appreciate this amazing lady, she's going to stop washing your football shirt and you're going to end up with dirty shirt.

Speaker 1: 15:09

It's a small example, but it's a powerful example, okay, so yeah, she was feeling great. She was really positive, she was really happy. I've never seen her smile so much. What an amazing, amazing transition, fantastic, okay. So her next question for me was how am I going to keep this level of appreciation and support? How am I going to keep receiving this from everyone? Now we're going to do a contract and your partner and your children are going to sign it, because it's very easy for these children.

Speaker 1: 15:41

The partner starts saying yeah, we'll help you this, we'll help you that, but it's very, very, very easy for it to slip back to what it was before. That's not okay. We're not going to allow that to happen. And this is how I was helping her. I was keeping her, almost holding her to account to keep this going. You cannot let this lapse, because if you do, they are all going to start going back to where they were before, because it almost goes back to a habit. So we had to make sure this was not going to happen.

Speaker 1: 16:08

So I suggested to her. She doesn't have to do this, it's entirely her choice. I suggested to her you write down all the help you need. Write down what you would like the children to do, what you'd like and and what support you would like from your partner on a daily basis, not weekly, monthly, on a daily basis, what you need from your family, and write it down as a contract. Then your partner can read through it and then your children can read through it and they sign it. And when they sign it it's a binding contract, okay. And whenever they're not doing what the contract says, bring it out, almost, get a copy for every single person and say hang on a minute. You didn't say please back there, but in a contract you signed it to say you would say please when you asked me to do something. Or you say thank you when I've done something for you or your partner said or agreed to do help with washing up, help with the washing, support with the children, taking children to sport and activities. While you go off and do something with your friends, hold them to account with this contract, because it's so easy to verbally say, yeah, yeah, I'll do this. Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. No, have something written down so you can go back to it. Okay, it's really powerful as well.

Speaker 1: 17:20

Um, now, I know there's many reasons to feel undervalued and I know what I have used are just a couple of them. Okay, and I understand that. Um, there may be a bigger issue for you and what I've said today is kind of a template. All right, doesn't have to be a template you use. You maybe tweak it a little bit. But the main thing I'm trying to say to you is stop doing for people that make you feel bad.

Speaker 1: 17:46

Okay, I've had clients come to me feeling left out of the family. Um, you know, at the family occasions when it involves the bio mum. So if the families are coming together, the mum or the dad or the step mum or step dad, should, I say, feel pushed out? It's not okay, that's not appreciating someone's values, that's not respecting how someone feels, that's not okay. So there's so many different reasons of why people feel this way. Grandparents, making a step parent feel like they are not part of the family because they're not blood, sorry, not okay. No, step parent is part of the family, no matter what. I don't care if it's step put in front of the name bi, put in front of the name. They're all one family. Okay, no ifs, buts.

Speaker 1: 18:26

Or maybe, okay, stepchildren say you're not my mum or dad, that's not, that's okay, because it's true. Okay, but it's still not a nice thing to say you shouldn't allow the children to speak to your step-parent or you shouldn't allow your stepchildren to talk to you in that way. Okay, all right, you don't have to be their mum or dad. You can be a friend even if you're together for 20, 30, 40, 50 years and you never become their mum or dad. It's completely fine. Just be a friend. If you're together for 20, 30, 40, 50 years and you never become their mum or dad, it's completely fine. Just be a friend. If you become their mum or dad or step mum or step dad, that's okay. But you don't have to be Okay and the list goes on.

Speaker 1: 19:00

I've had so many clients speak to me about how they feel or how they're not made to feel part of the family, and it's awful, it's not okay, all right. So part of the family, and it's awful, it's not okay, all right. So it's time to stand up, step parents, time to stand up, and you know, big it up for yourself, you know, but you've got to be strong enough to do this and you can do this, all right. So my point is this has to stop stop doing for those who make you feel this way. The positive thing to come out of all of this is that you start feeling valued okay, appreciated, respected, treasured okay, even acknowledged and recognized for everything you do. You deserve to be made feel good, okay, especially about yourself and everything that you are doing. All right, and remember all you step parents are doing a wonderful job, all right, and it's important that you feel valued, all right.

Speaker 1: 19:53

Right, I've ranted quite a lot today, but I feel very passionate about this and I feel it's important that you guys change how you feel, and I said at the end of my last podcast please don't feel that this is part of the life. This is part of life as a step-parent, because it's not. It can change, but you may need help and support, and that's what I'm here for, okay, so not only do I do this podcast, like I said you before, I'm a mentor and I'm a coach and I can help you get to where you want to feel, and I can help you feel better about yourself and help you feel more valued. Okay, so if you want a 30-minute consultation with me, go to wwwstepparentworldcom. Fill out the form and just message me. Give me an idea of what the issue is for you and how I can help you. Okay, also, go to my website and sign up.

Speaker 1: 20:41

So subscribe, it doesn't cost you anything. It's literally so. You get all of these podcasts, all of my blogs, sent straight through to you. So as soon as they come live on my website, they get pinged straight over to you. You don't even have to visit the website, it just comes up in your emails. Okay, there's no spam with it, or there's no. You've got to pay this. Pay that. There's no money involved at all, but I am here as a mentor and a coach. So if you do want a mentoring session the word journey, but I don't like the word journey get on this ladder of getting you away from how you're feeling. I can help you with that. All right, thanks for listening, guys. I really appreciate it and keep visiting the website. Get subscribed and I've got lots more podcasts coming up and blogs. Thanks listening, guys. Hope you have a wonderful day and I will speak to you all soon.