This Scorpions Problem in Arizona, and these Hurricanes? Not a Problem.

The humor kicks in with a tale of paint spill pandemonium, leading us to ponder – is it the march of time making us bitchy, or are people's manners on the decline? We also take a stroll through Arizona's untamed beauty, sharing close encounters with everything from geckos to scorpions, and even throw a spotlight on our feathered friends, the golden and bald eagles. And because music ties it all together, we give a nod to the Scorpions of the Klaus Meine variety, whose rocking jam has become a sports anthem for hurricane-force excitement.

Transcript

Blade: 0:13

Listen, am I the only one that enjoys when the garbage truck comes by every single Monday and Thursday and picks up my garbage cans full of waste, empties them into that garbage truck and then drives off, and it makes me incredibly happy, like I've accomplished. Something, gives me this incredible sense of accomplishment. Now I've got empty trash containers that the city provides to me and I can start all over again. Empty trash containers that the city provides to me and I can start all over again. I love it. Garbage trucks have come a long way. Those are amazing machines, the amazing machines that man makes. I remember when they were the Dempsey dumpsters. We called them Named after a guy named Dempster who invented those. Pick up the trash cans, turn them over, shake them a couple of times, empty the trash cans perfectly. Last week I had a gallon of paint in my waste pickup day and for some reason a gallon of paint didn't make it into his garbage truck. All over the road, all over my sidewalk, all over my driveway. And he jumps out and he says what are the odds? And I said what are the odds? The mess white paint, no less all over there had to put cones around it, you know. So the neighbors didn't drive through and get it all over their cars, all over the road and spread it. I remember the days that occurred to me when it was a horse-drawn cart that picked up the garbage.

Blade: 2:14

Getting older, had another episode the other day as the irritable bastard that I have become and keep becoming. There's no cure for the syndrome. You understand, do I hate people? I've never had this discussion with myself. Happens with men over 45 before. Or do people suck, you know? I'm not sure which one it is. I'm not sure if it's my fault, you know, because I'm an old, irritable bastard, or if it's because people really do suck and it's their fault. Either way, it's not my fault. Think about it. It's not my fault. I'm old and I think people suck and it's, you know, their fault. If people do really suck, I think in general, the way to put that is people don't suck really. It's just people, I don't know suck. That's what it is.

Blade: 3:09

Living in Arizona, every kind of wildlife you can imagine that you've never seen before, that you only see in commercials and National Geographic specials, that kind of thing Wild horses running around in the desert, in the barren desert, herds, or what are they? What are horses, herds of Mustangs, you know, and they're running through the desert in packs of about, you know, six or seven or eight or maybe even 10, right, and their manes are blowing in the wind, you know, and it's like they're running in slow motion, incredible. You go wow, and it makes your day, makes you weak. You know. They've got these cute little geckos that climb up your cinder block walls here in Arizona that everybody has, cute as can be, you know. You have javelinas out here and they live in the foothills of the mountains of these horns, black, you know, and they eat your garbage, you know. They come out of the hills at night.

Blade: 4:09

Rattlesnakes out here in the desert. Everyone's seen a rattlesnake. I've never personally seen one. It's amazing. I've never even heard one Gosh. Every month or so I see a golden eagle flying around, swooping around in the area. When I first moved out here I saw a bald eagle sitting on top of a telephone pole. Couldn't believe it.

Blade: 4:32

Amazing Scorpions All over the place. Big problem out here, really it is. Those guys can put themselves into the size of a credit card and slide through doors and people find them in their house by using black lights looking around. They show up that way under black lights. I'll never do that because I don't want to know.

Blade: 5:00

If a scorpion's in the house, hell, they hate us as much as we hate them. And when they sting, boy, do they sting. It really hurts. And watch out when you're around palm trees, because they flock up there in palm trees and I'm always cutting them down my palm tree's, trimming them down, always careful about that. But a magnificent creature these scorpions are.

Blade: 5:22

Speaking of scorpions. Love it first thing. You know what? I see scorpions in the desert here all the time, but I've never seen klaus mein and rolf schenke of the scorpions. Now that you mention it, love it first thing. Incredible rock band, the monsters of rockions. And is there a better franchise, nhl franchise theme song than Rock you Like a Hurricane from the Scorpions? First of all, the name of Carolina Hurricanes perfect. Best name in the NHL Hurricanes, north Carolina, perfect. Rock you Like a Hurricane. If you've never been to a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game, they've got a loop of da, da, da, da, da, da, da and it runs and runs and runs for like an hour before the game. And if you're not fired up before a Carolina Hurricanes game, every single game, you're dead inside. Rock you like a hurricane Rolf Schenke and Klaus Meiner and the Scorpions.

Blade: 6:30

One thing they do have in Arizona, a lot of. First of all, it's hot as shit In June, july, august, september 110, 115 degrees. But it's a dry heat. Not that bad, but it's bad, make no mistake about it. You can't disguise 110 degrees. That bad, but it's bad, make no mistake about it. You can't disguise 110 degrees.

Blade: 6:52

But the way to survive out here through that heat is to have a swimming pool. You must have a swimming pool or access to a swimming pool. I always say you got to have your own swimming pool because you never know what you'll get at a community swimming pool. My goodness, you don't even know what kind of people show up at a. You know. You know, if I were a woman, you know and I was a hot woman I'd hate to go to a community swimming pool. Ah, no, telling what. But you got to have a pool. You jump in a swimming pool out here and your body is good to go for two hours after that. I mean, you jump in for five minutes and you're refurbished for two hours. Get in two three times a day. It's of the essence. It's not a luxury, it's of the essence. You got to have a swimming pool out of here.

Blade: 7:38

It's windy a lot. I hate wind. I hate wind and I see no value in it. None, that's another one of my unfounded opinions that my buddy, greg Duffy, always has. Another one of your unfounded opinions to which I always say to him look, you know, it's an opinion, why does it need finding? And that argument's been going on for 40 years. Every time I express an opinion, it's another unfounded. But I hate wind. You know you walk outside and it's windy. Look, I just did my hair. You know you know what? If you go to the Grand Canyon, gust of wind out there and there's plenty of it up there, and it drops you 2,500 feet into the Colorado River. It's happened plenty of times.

Blade: 8:21

Watch out at your swimming pool, because your umbrellas become projectiles in the wind. Nothing worse than getting impaled with the end of your umbrella boom right in your chest because of a gust of wind that came out of the Sonoran Desert. Almost lost an eye once, man, I had one of those umbrellas in my pool, right by my eye, and they have these dust devils. I think they call them or dirt devils because there's so much dirt and dust out here, you know, and they're bad. You see them coming off in the distance because it's so wide open and it looks like a rainstorm, but it's not. It's a dust storm. You can't tell the difference. And they have these warnings out here beep, beep, beep. Heavy dust alert. Stops traffic, people can't move, they stop, pull off onto the side of the road. You're not allowed to have your flashers on. It's dangerous, sit there and wait till it's over.

Blade: 9:15

Happens all the time in the summertime. But wind is irritating. I drove through Lordsburg Is it New Mexico? One One time. Nothing but wind, you know, horrible like this. And I asked somebody I saw when I was getting gas is it like this all the time? And they said yeah. I was like why do you live here? I don't know. Lived in Cheyenne for a summer, went up to Laramie, wyoming at the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. Nothing but wind and cold wind. Three words wind chill factor. The coldest wind and the coldest I've ever been was when I was a 10 year old child in Colorado Springs at the Air Force Academy. My family wind biting through there, minus 20, wind chill factor. I've never been so cold in my life and I've been to Alaska and I've been to Northern Canada. People, windchill factor. Two more words irritating wind, hate it. Look, we have enough trouble hitting a golf ball straight. Scorpions rock you like a hurricane? Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane? Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane.