Daft Monks
Two best friends. Both named Nate. One cyberpunk city full of terrible decisions.
Daft Monks mixes irreverent conversation with an improvised comedy adventure. Hosts Nate Casimiro and Nate Stalcup turn games, pop culture, and everyday frustrations into a world where corporations run everything and their heroes can barely manage the commute.
Meet Roy, a corporate overachiever convinced his promotion is coming, and Ash, an electrical worker who would prefer everyone leave him alone. Together, they stumble into trouble far beyond their job descriptions.
Start with Season 3, Episode 1: A Breakdown in Commute-ication. It introduces the city, the characters, and their first disastrous day. No earlier seasons are needed to follow this story.
Explicit language and adult humor. Earlier seasons remain available in the archive.
Daft Monks
Saved by the Swami
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The Nates discuss new year's health goals, and one of the hosts recalls how he was almost cast for a Squid Games Reality television show. Meanwhile, Bingo helps Van Helsing reconnect with his true self through a series of training montages while Belmont takes a leave of absence to gather intelligence on Dracula's location. A burglar hides and their midst, and some hard choices are made.
Explore our original podcast archive for 50+ episodes of antics and one-shot adventures:
Listen to the Prequel Podcast.
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The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in Daft Monks are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, characters and products is intended or should be inferred.
Just so you know, Daft Monks is half talk show, half actual play campaign that features adult language and topics. Viewer discretion is advised. Hello and welcome to Net One Presents the Daft Monks podcast. Hey Nate, how's it going?
SPEAKER_06Good. I'm fucking ecstatic, Nate. You wanna know why? Tell me all about it. Oh, because it didn't take us 12 months to record a new episode.
SPEAKER_02Someone get me an award.
SPEAKER_06That just means you're gonna take two years between the next one. It just it gets like pooled for later.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, or I'll die in a terrible car crash or something.
SPEAKER_06God say that.
SPEAKER_02Bone like it could be a bonus. It could be like a ghost in the machine kind of thing. I'll be like, Nate, I'm coming back to you. Let's record.
SPEAKER_06You'd probably have better audio as a ghost than you did in the last episode.
SPEAKER_01That's true. Uh, we got rid of the tin can that I was using before with the string. Uh, come to find out we didn't have an adequate amount of string to reach all the way to from my house to Nate's house. So we decided to go ahead and get my mic back up and running.
SPEAKER_06Rookie mistake. You've seen it once a thousand times. Tale as old as time.
SPEAKER_01Tale as old as time. Write that on a shirt.
SPEAKER_06No, really, though. Literally, when I heard the audio back, I was like, ah, goddammit. Like you sound like one of those remote correspondents.
SPEAKER_01The bursts above my head are far more intense than I realized, Nate, that I am getting paid far, far less than I imagined for this kind of scenario.
SPEAKER_06Exactly. That's totally what you sounded like. But hopefully, this this I think we uh we we did our due diligence. We did some tests this time, so I think it'll be good for our listeners.
SPEAKER_02We did the best that we can do.
SPEAKER_01And speaking of doing the the best that we can do, I've been on kind of like a health kick lately. I've cut out my eans, so that would be my nicotine, my caffeine, my uh cetametophene, and um just trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I'm almost 35 now, Nate, and I feel it in my bones.
SPEAKER_06You don't look a day over 40, Nate.
SPEAKER_01Aw, thanks, man. Uh, when you work outside for a living, uh, we get this condition called a leather skin, and you just eventually start looking like a baseball mitt. And I'm trying to avoid that, you know. Sometimes I apply lotion, but I've come to terms, especially after the AI art got my little scowling lines.
SPEAKER_06Is that what caused it? You saw the AI art and you're like, I need to go on a health kick.
SPEAKER_01It was a little bit of that, and then the other day, Megan's still mad at me. She made a joke and said that I look frumpy, F-R-U-M-P-Y. And I look down at myself and I'm like, oh my god, she's right. And she's like, I'm joking. And I'm like, You already said it. It is too late. We are past that. I'm frumpy. McFrumple stiltskins now.
SPEAKER_06I mean, nay, I commend you because, like, obviously, awesome, good for your health, good for your family. But I gotta say, like, that sounds wildly ambitious and did you stop all three literally at once? Yes. He's like nicotine, caffeine, acetomenophine, all at the same time. Correct. I'm pretty sure all of those give you withdrawal if you stop.
SPEAKER_01I figure I'll take all the withdrawals at once. That way I'm not like doing one and then another. Because you've known me for a little while, Nate, and I'm kind of a all or nothing kind of guy.
SPEAKER_02So it's either I do it now or I just postpone it and then never really do it.
SPEAKER_06Or we record the show a year later. Yes.
SPEAKER_02The year later I'll get back to it and be like, you know what? I should get healthy.
SPEAKER_06Oh my goodness. I bet I don't know how long the withdrawals last, but you must have been a raging bitch for at least like one day. Like you had to have been like, poor Megan. Like what?
SPEAKER_01I've been having like mental breakdown. There was that day that I uh messaged you and I went to bed at six o'clock PM, and I actually slept through my alarm the next day. My body is, I think, shutting down.
SPEAKER_02And yeah, so I got like 12 hours of sleep that night.
SPEAKER_06That's wild, man. Yeah, and I forgot about the time difference too. It was early my time, but you're even an hour before me. Crazy man. I can't really. I I uh the only one of those three I've done is caffeine because it's like I turn 30 and then my body's like, you can't have this anymore. Like if I literally have caffeine, even like sometimes I've had like caffeinated soda or a coffee at like 11 a.m. and I can't sleep at night. And I'm like, Are you fucking kidding me? Right. I used to drink them back to back. Like, even you remember Nate in the podcast, I was kind of like just chugging diet cokes and shit, you know?
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah, like there's no tomorrow.
SPEAKER_06And that's maybe why I have the problem. But yeah, no, I I've completely cut out caffeine. I don't I don't do caffeine anymore because it just mm it's too volatile.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_06Maybe I'll sleep, maybe I'll be up till 4 a.m. Like legit. That legitimately that was exactly what was happening. Um, and I'm like, nope, this is most of the problem.
SPEAKER_01So well, it's obviously done wonders for your arms because I don't know if our viewers have seen your Instagram post, but Nate's arms are looking huge lately, and that might have been another defining factor for me. Like, you know what? Fuck this guy.
SPEAKER_02I need to get healthy.
SPEAKER_06Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy.
SPEAKER_02I can't be the frumpy guy on that one percent.
SPEAKER_06Well, yeah, and based on your role too, like you are like already kind of like athletic, so yeah. Yeah, I like I literally work from home. If I don't like go out and force myself, I typically have like 1,500 steps. You don't strike me as like a step counter guy, Nate, but I'm sure you're in the like thousand, like I'd say what, like eight to ten thousand probably every day or something.
SPEAKER_01It's quite a bit.
SPEAKER_02Uh, truth be told, Nate, they actually tried something for our like health benefits program. It was supposed to drop our rates if everybody wore a Fitbit. And then I was one of the few linemen that agreed to wear the Fitbit and it broke after the second day. I was hammering some lags into a pole, and I guess it didn't like the hammering motion, and it snapped and then fell out of the bucket. So 40 feet in the air, and it didn't survive. So I gave it back to them. I'll smash it up, and I'm like, here it counted some steps.
SPEAKER_06That's a bummer, but yeah, that makes sense. But I'm sure, I'm sure it's a ton. So, anywho, Nate. I wish you well on your your health endeavors. Thanks, Nate. You're the best. You can do it, you can do anything you put your mind to. I believe in you and me. At the cost of Megan's sanity, I think. But we'll see.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, she'll be fine. She's used to it.
SPEAKER_06It's like your kids have fond memories of you until that day that you quit all three of those things.
SPEAKER_01It'd be like if it was an 80s movie, that'd be Corbin's monologue. He's like, I came from a happy home until the day dad stopped taking the eins.
SPEAKER_06Exactly. So I was totally thinking back because I I was listening to our episode of like, oh, highlights or lowlights or whatever from last year, and I'm like, wow, like we totally missed some stuff. And there was one thing I did totally like want to circle back to that I didn't get a chance. And uh you know about this, but we'll dive into it for listeners. I was almost a celebrity, basically.
SPEAKER_02Tell me all about it.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, so I I don't know when this started, but a couple years ago, I just have started being like, I want to be on a reality TV show, like I have to be. And so I've been doing the thing, we like sending the videos in, and you never hear it back. Kind of, you know, like a job application, except like usually get a rejection email from a job application eventually, like months later, but like with these videos, you never hear it back. And that's like I was okay with that. I just did it. I knew I was never gonna hear it back, and whatever. Well, one day, last October, I got I missed a call on a flight back from a work trip, and it was a guy from Netflix. And actually, I got a final interview for a show, and since I didn't get it, um, I can talk about it, I'm pretty sure. Like, obviously, I didn't get far enough to sign a contract. Right. So it was the it's gonna be the first season of a Squid Games reality TV show. Ooh, that would have been so cool. I was so pumped, dude. So, do you want to hear about like the whole like the process, like what happened? Oh, yeah, tell me everything.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_06So I'm on a flight back, I think it was like a Thursday night, came back from a work trip, and when I got off for the layover, I called the guy back. It was really exciting. So he's like, Okay, like before I can even like see if we do this final interview with you. Do you have a passport? Are you available to be gone in January for like a month or something? And oh, and do you have your COVID shot? Um, and I was like, Yep, yeah, I got all three. Um, so no problem there. So then he's like, Okay, how soon are you available? So I was like, I'll do it tomorrow. I work from home. I'll I'll blow up my ditch. Right. It was only, you know, it was like a call, it was supposed to be maybe 30 minutes or something. So they're like, okay, we're gonna send you an email with like literally 20 to 30 questions, and I want you to send all quick, but you know, like responses to all of them. And really, as I read through it, it was pretty obvious to me that what they're trying to do was for the interview, they record the interview, and so they were trying to find the most interesting talking points to talk to me about. Um, and that's exactly what they did. It was everything from like, how would you play a strategy game? Who do you relate to from this good game series? And it was like 30 questions, and then like, what are you most proud of? What are you least proud of? And all that stuff. So the guy who called me was pretty chill. I'm sure people who try to like recruit for reality TV shows, like they're all just trying to fill the slots, like they don't they actually you know do want you to succeed. They're just you're probably not interesting enough or whatever. But right, but this guy was honest with me, and he's like, Hey, we're in like we've already cast most of the cast, but we're looking for the funny quirky guy. Oh and that should have been you, Nate, to be totally honest. I always like tell you to do these things, but you never do it.
SPEAKER_02Um well then I don't have a COVID shot, so valid, valid.
SPEAKER_06But anyway, yeah, so he so he basically kind of gave me the feedback of like, hey, like, you know, cool, we'll say it for the interview. Like, we do need you to make us laugh. So um, and that's when I was like, Nate, what would you say for some of these answers? I literally just text you immediately. It was like, tell me what, tell me what it should write here. I like took the time. I I'm not as uh quick as an improv as you, but actually you know how I am. If I have time to prepare, I I think I'm actually like pretty good.
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah, crush it.
SPEAKER_06And while you know you're hilarious in these episodes, they would go nowhere without like me poisoning, you know, setting you up for situations.
SPEAKER_02Right. Otherwise, I'd be rambling, just like an old man at the supermarket. Definitely.
SPEAKER_06Well, you'd like make everybody laugh, but then you'd you wouldn't offer no solution on where to go next in the plot. Like it would, it would literally so anywho. So answered all those 30 questions, whatever, sent them over, and then I I kind of lucked out, you know, I tried to bring it up every episode, but somehow it happens. But I'm a gay guy, these are two gay guys from West Hollywood, which is like the gayest place in California. So they're like, We're two Holly West Hollywood queens, so you know, don't worry. And yeah, it was like his name was Tony, and I definitely was like milking it for all it's worth. I was always trying to make him laugh. Just I think he asked a couple of questions. I'm like, what do you think, Tony? Like, right? Shit like that. Like, I was just using his name a lot, and uh, I did my best. I can I alright, like I could only so much insight. I'm sure these guys are like very veiled and and guarded, you know, about like how well you did. But to be honest, I I find myself to be an insightful person. I usually know if I got the job or not after an interview, and we've talked about this before, too. Like, Nate, when we get to interviews, mmm, we almost always get the job.
SPEAKER_02Oh, that's that's where we seal the deal, like face to face, or at least voice to voice. And like, this is mine now.
SPEAKER_06I want it. Like the charisma and the expertise by that time, we just take over. So with that comes some insight. And and anywho, long story short, I could tell I most of his laughs for sure seemed real. There probably were some like fake ones. And then at the end, when he stopped recording the interview, he was like, You actually did a good job.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06That said, sadly, they said, Hey, uh, it'll be three to four weeks before you hear it back. And if you don't hear back, quote, move on with your life. Um, and I did hear back, but it it was they they said they filled the spots. So I didn't get it, but we talked about it a few reasons why I like at the end of the day, it's not the end of the world. But I did really want it, and I was getting so excited for RNA. I was reading books on reality TV, I was like watching videos, I was like re I was reviewing Squid Games again, like watching that show over again. Honestly, if if you guys want to know a little bit more uh about like what goes on, so some shows I learned like offer stipends for like so some some reality TV shows, the longer you're on the show by day or by week you get a stipend for how much money uh you get to be on.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_06And it's very low, usually like hundreds of dollars, like a couple hundred a day or a week, and that's it. Like nothing crazy. And then other shows like Survivor, actually, you get so obviously the winner gets a million dollars, but the second place person maybe gets a hundred thousand, and the third place maybe gets fifty thousand. So other shows have like tiered.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06The thing with this show is they were like, you will get no money because the prize was going to be one of the biggest prizes, quote, in reality TV history, they said just like this good games show, it was gonna be 4.6, what two four point six or whatever was the number, million dollars. So that's what they're giving away. So they're like only the first place person is getting cash, nobody else is. And then you know, you're not getting a stipend for being out here, and then it could take film for as long as a month. That honestly would be challenging, Nate. It would have filmed in the UK, they would have flew me out there and like fed me, of course, and stuff, but like it would have been kind of like a vacation, but you can't go out, you're sequestered during this shit, like you're kind of like penned up once you lose until they send you back. So I could have been out there for like a month not getting paid and lost the show. So it might not have been the best show for me to go on if I just want to get my feet away with reality TV. But Nate, I was like really hoping I got it, and just based on the the gay guy's reaction that interviewed me, um, I was like, I think I think I can do this. I like didn't wear sleeves. You're talking about my big arms. I didn't wear sleeves, I was that guy. Um, and I was trying my hardest.
SPEAKER_02But doing a bunch of push-ups before they video called you.
SPEAKER_06I did. I did lateral lifts with my adjustable dumbbells. Absolutely, man. I'm not stupid. Um, but it uh sadly it wasn't meant to be. So that either means there's another show or maybe Nat 1 is still the way to go.
SPEAKER_01I'm looking forward to when Squid Games Reality TV comes out because I want to see the quirky guy that took your spot.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, right. Let's shit. Honestly, we're gonna have to pivot this show at that point and take a break from Daft Monks and just do recaps of each episode and just shit all over whoever we think the guy was that took my spot and also the show. And that that's another reason, Nate, why I kind of like also don't mind not being on the show because I think I loved Squid Games, so that's why I wanted to be on a Squid Games reality show. However, the whole point of the show Squid Games was about how capitalism like ruins everything. So kind of making a reality show of Squid Games was like they missed the point of the show Squid Games, right? But I think it still would have been funny. They asked you, like, how would you play the game? And I was like, I said I'd be a moral wild card. And then I was joking about like one day I'd be Becky's best friend, and the next day I'd push her off the ledge. Um, which I'm sure everybody says, but I I literally was like, I don't know, I'd be uh uh a sob story for the person who has cancer, and the next day I wouldn't give a shit about her dying mom.
SPEAKER_02Um but everybody says it, but you would have actually done it, is the difference.
SPEAKER_06That's the difference. Wasn't meant to be Nate, but maybe next time I haven't stopped. I'm still that just has encouraged me to send more videos in. So there might at some point I'm gonna get my 15 minutes of fame, and you bet I'll be linking out to the podcast.
SPEAKER_01Right. Maybe it'll be Tony again, and he'll be like, Nate, it's Tony. Hey, we got the one for you.
SPEAKER_06It's gonna be like that that scene from Dodgeball that you like where I'm like washing cars and like skimpy clothing, and there's just a guy with like pit bulls barking at me. Getting their NASA deep leg. That's the show that they're like, we think we need a quirky guy for that. So man, they would have loved you, Nate, though, aside from the COVID shot.
SPEAKER_02But oh, I know.
SPEAKER_06Nate, I would have absolutely fabricated a document that said you had that vaccine.
SPEAKER_02Right, and like they're gonna question it, be like, let's just get this guy on the show.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Like it might be messed up, but I would I would not want you to miss your opportunity. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_02So they hated me over there.
SPEAKER_00As soon as I got off the plane, I would have been like, oh, here we are in London, cherryow. Every part.
SPEAKER_06That's what I was just gonna say. Like, mate, uh let me ask you some of the questions they asked me. Like, what would you have done? Like, what would have been your like strategy for the game? What would like which of the, if you remember the Squid Games games they played, which ones would you have been excited or good at? And just your thoughts on how would you have tried to win over that uh that Wes Hollywood recruiter guy?
SPEAKER_02Ooh, right, that's tough. I don't really know.
SPEAKER_01Because I know with your personality, how you tried running it, that would have worked great. But then realistically for me, I would have probably like just been a little timid at first, but then once I knew who the group was, then I'm gonna start being mean to people, but like jokingly mean. Like a little example, there's a lady that she's a a friend of a friend kind of deal. And I always see her at the gas station, and she hates me because every morning I'm like, Oh, Misty, it's so early, and yet you're sober.
SPEAKER_02What's what's up with that? And she's like, Shut up, Nate. And then I guess my friend was still in there, and the lady behind the register was like, That guy is so funny. And Misty was like, No, he fucking thinks he's funny. She hates me, and I love it.
SPEAKER_01So it would definitely be something like that with all the contestants were like, it's gonna be a mixed bag where some people are like, Oh, that guy's funny, and then everybody else can be like, I can't fucking stand that guy.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then as far as like questions and stuff go, I don't really know. Like, how am I gonna play the game? Be like, ooh, uh, my favorite game was the one with the glass, and I really liked what that guy did where he just started throwing people onto the glass. I could see you doing that.
SPEAKER_02That would be my go-to strategy and be like, who's next? Especially being a large American and most of those people were South Koreans. I believe I could easily lift them over my head and just throw them like stepping stones onto the glass and be like, okay, that one's safe. Next.
SPEAKER_06I can't wait to go back and watch the show. I think we'll have to do like a recap episode or just launch a second podcast.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. Breaking down squid games. Even if the episode's 30 minutes long, we're gonna do a full one hour, hour and a half dive into the episode.
SPEAKER_06Nate, you know how I am, right? I'm always like thinking about like just in case this is the thing that like sets us into you know the the halls of of stardom. I had already grabbed a domain, saved some social media handles. I grabbed Squid Pro Bro and was gonna use that. That was gonna be the name of our show. Like, I was getting everything ready for us to completely drop Daft Monks like a fucking like it was nothing and rebrand into like a Sprid uh Squid Games thing that would like recap our show with me being on it and just try to make the most out of our 15 minutes. I was gonna milk it, man.
SPEAKER_01We we still might have to do that. Who knows? Like, if we're doing the Squid Games episodes regardless, but if they pick up better than this stupid show, then we'll fuck this show.
SPEAKER_02We'll just cover reality TV.
SPEAKER_06If they didn't want me authentically, maybe or unauthentically, maybe they'll want me after all I do is shit all over the first season, and then they'll be like, you know what? This is the guy we should have had season one, we'll bring him back season two. Yep. Fun fact though, you never want to apply. This is another reason why I want to get on that show, is I'm like, it's a new show. Everybody, like usually after the first season of a show, that show receives a lot more applications for contestants after the first season. So now I'm sure it's gonna be wildly hard. But right, but you're already in the the like the database. Exactly. I get the news, I get the recruitment things now for TV shows. I'm already there. I was like, because you also know how it is. Like, I don't have the look for television. I'm not uh I have a I have a face for radio, as they would say, or whatever that phrase is. Um, I just you know I'm not that standard beauty image that they try. Honestly, I don't know if either of us are like tall, blonde, and you know, jacked type dude and shredded or whatever. But because there's like 400 and some contestants, I think they literally were gonna have 400 contestants. I'm like, this is it. That's enough statistically. All I need is 0.25% to be selected. And I was like, this is my chance.
SPEAKER_01And uh like there's gotta be some average looking people on this show.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, like I'm not great, but I'm better than that guy. Right, I'm better than one out of four people in the population.
SPEAKER_01You can get away with that on a reality show. I don't know if you've watched any other show. Like, Megan was watching some series and it had normal looking people on it, and it was so off-putting.
SPEAKER_02I'm like, what the fuck? There's nothing but a bunch of ugos on this show because we're so brainwashed into seeing only beautiful people on TV. These and they're they weren't ugly, they were normal looking people.
SPEAKER_06Exactly, exactly.
SPEAKER_01But man, it made my brain go through a loop. I'm like, what the fuck are we watching? Like, what is this garbage? Like, I'm not interested in this.
SPEAKER_06Anywho, I think we wasted enough time about my my wasted potential for reality TV. Stay tuned. Maybe Squid ProBro podcast will become a thing.
SPEAKER_01It's coming, it's coming back.
SPEAKER_06All right, Nate. With that, are I think you're ready to jump back into some some Daft Monks?
SPEAKER_01I am more than ready. I'm super excited.
SPEAKER_06Great, and I want to share, I mean, this basically makes no sense, but if you're one of like the true followers and you're actually listening to this as it comes out, you're gonna notice something weird in our podcast feed. And what we did is I took the I think there's about five episodes in season one that are specific to the storyline for Trevor Belmont and Van Helsing. Uh so they were D Hunters episodes, there was uh uh what do we call it? DD Deathmatch, and then there was one. I think there was one two, I think I think I don't know if we added it from role play rapids, but yeah, these are canon episodes that are basically prequel stories to Dath Monks. And uh, you know, I was like, fuck it. I moved them over to season two. So episode one to through episode five now is actually season one episodes that are canon stories that lead up to episode five, which is the start of of Daph Monks in season two. So a little confusing, but if you're listening, that's what those they're not new episodes. If you've already listened through season one, then you'll know what they are. But now if you haven't listened, if you're like season one sounded like But I want to know what the Daph Monks were doing in season one. Now you can very easily just go through the first five episodes and be caught up.
SPEAKER_02Yep. I think we took a lot of that from our hero and savior George Lucas, where uh why start with number one when you can start with number four?
SPEAKER_06Exactly. There's just more because now you know there's you know more coming, less coming. It's it's fine. Right. And now we just have to do a shitty uh sequel trilogy.
SPEAKER_02Yes, with Jar Jar Binks and Greta.
SPEAKER_06Oh my god, dude. Nate, I get so dude. I don't even know if we talked about this in in season one, but I can't fucking stand the last three Star Wars movies that came out. Oh, with Adam Driver. Who is making the dagger maps? Who's doing that? I have no idea. That's that's the part I get real like who nothing in those movies make any sense. Like, there's no and I know they had different directors and stuff. Literally, this doesn't make any sense. The story movie to movie, I don't know what's going on, like, not because it's space, not because it's the future, because it literally they're like, Oh, it's Jen Rolando. He's just been sitting on this planet during a festival looking for the dagger map. Like, what? Yeah, what and then there's just been this beacon in someone made a map of the Death Star ruins that has a beacon inside of it.
SPEAKER_05Um, what who's doing this? And then hides that dagger on another planet. Like, nobody knows and then the powers that Ray has and Adam Driver, like what what what did they like? They don't explain any of that or why that's a thing.
SPEAKER_01None of it, right? None of it. I I didn't like how all of a sudden they were like superheroes. Like it used to be people with powers, but all of a sudden, Princess Leia gets jettisoned into space, and she's like, Well, I'm gonna wheel myself back onto the ship.
SPEAKER_06I had suppressed that. I forgot that even happened. Yeah, that made me angry. And like, I was cool with them making her a general. I was even cool with after she passed away, them just reanimating her face to continue milking her character. But then when she like death flies through the space, I don't, it got wild, nay.
SPEAKER_01Like, that ain't gonna happen. No, I'm sorry, and then Palpatine gets thrown down the shaft by Vader, but all of a sudden he can survive that shit. Meanwhile, my guy Mace Windu gets thrown out of a window on Coruscant and he didn't survive that. Like, what the fuck is going on here?
SPEAKER_06Bullshit, and nay, I love Palpatine. I think he is the funniest guy. Like, honestly, any sketch of Palpatine is home.
SPEAKER_02The robot chicken ones?
SPEAKER_06Yes, all of those are so fucking funny. And they just did him, they literally brought him back. And then when they were like, Oh, raise a Palpatine, like, what? Like, right, you've not alluded to that at all. Like, basically, in the first movie, they're like, they left it vague about her parents, and it's incredibly clear to me, they're like, We're not sure yet what we're gonna do with this. And then by see with like this the third movie, they're like, Yeah, we didn't think of anything, let's make her a Palpatine. Like, it's just wow, like Disney really just manufactured that pile of shit. And I don't know, I'm not it's not like the the other six movies are anything amazing, but they made sense, Nate. Like, right, sure, is the first three is the prequel movies basically like eight hours of like space senate? Yes, and is Jar Jar Banks totally an unnecessary embellishment? Sure. But if you watch episode one, two, three, there's a story that makes fucking sense. There's no like there's no weird things that I'm like, why did that happen at all? And that makes no sense. And and the powers are usually the same. It's like I can kind of like mind control, I can force push or pull, I can jump and do some acrobatics, and I can fight with a lightsaber. That's like your core shit. No, and then like lightning if you're fucking papatine or whatever, but right that's basically it. And then in this last movie, now they're doing magic tricks like sending lightsabers through portals and mind teleporting and speaking to each other through stuff, and just none of it ever is explained or makes any sense.
SPEAKER_01Oh no, it's like they're just powerful, just deal with it. Yeah, and yeah, and the whole thing that's his daughter thing. Like, before even the gay culture thing made this big rise, I just always assumed, even when I was little, that Palpatine was just a gay guy. Because like really, yeah. No, this isn't a bit, this is a real. Like in my mind, I just always assumed he was a gay guy, like the the way that he dressed, his mannerisms. You never see him with a lady. And anytime you never see a man in power with no lady, what are you automatically assuming? He doesn't like ladies. And if you don't like ladies, then obviously you like dudes. That's just in my mind. So when it came out that's his daughter, I'm like, when? Who? How did this happen? It obviously wasn't when he looked at least like a normal human being while he was still in the Senate. It was after he turned into a butt forehead. Totally. So who is doing stuff with him after he has a butt forehead as an albino elderly man? Who is that poor lady? You want to see the 23 in me? And yes, who's the mom? Who's the fucking mom that was like, you know what? I'm doing this for myself. I'm gonna get out of the gutter. You know, I've been living on the streets of Coruscant my whole fucking life. This is it. I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna take his egg and his seed, and then oh well, I'm gonna be set for life. And meanwhile, she didn't know he was a Sith, he's just thought he's a senator. He probably kills her, and then somehow the baby ends up on Tatooine or whatever the fuck. I didn't like it at all. The Palpatine thing really fucked me up. Wow.
SPEAKER_06I don't know what to address there. I mean it there's just so much. I'm offended, I'm astonished, all kind of at the same time. But at the end of the day, I'll agree with you, not about him being homosexual, but that it made no it made no sense because timeline-wise, this it would have had to happen while he, you know, like was an emperor. The only thing I'll say, and I'm not gonna try to make sense of something that clearly didn't make sense and have any kind of backstory, but in the like books that are all like Crazy Canon, like they try to clone Pow and even I think that's what Snoke was, that like guy that dies early on. Pretty much they try to clone the emperor many, many, many times. So I wonder if like he's a Palpatine, like, oh, maybe it's like clone. Oh maybe, maybe one of the clones is like, you know what? I don't want to make a comeback and take over the empire, I just want to beg some chicks while I still look like a normal fucking human being without a butt forehead.
SPEAKER_02Settle down a little bit, start a family, have a moisture farm.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, everyone's dream. Uh okay, okay, all right. I that was a wild tangent, all because I said I added five episodes to the start of season two. But that said, um, let's dive into the show.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_01The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.
SPEAKER_00I wouldn't quite say lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so where we left off, Nate.
SPEAKER_02We just had to get it off our chest, apparently.
SPEAKER_06We just had to get it off our chest. Okay, so where we left off last episode, Nate, and that was uh a little bit messy, but we we pretty much 100% improved that one, and you can tell. But after our long break and the whole Herod and Vineyard church burning down, demon monster thing, we were like, hey, no church is safe, we gotta go to my family home, the Belmont Manor, which is like in disarray, collapsed, abandoned, all that jazz. But I have some like, you know, there's a whole archive of like awesome weapons, knowledge, and we can use it to arm ourselves against Dracula. Cool, that sounds great. Basically, a lot of like trauma starts to become a resurface, we'll say, Yeah, for Belmont. And then what is really surprising and very this is very organic and and mostly just pretty much improv the entire time was apparently we decided that Ben Helsing is incredibly familiar with this home. Like literally, it's like he was almost always there through Belmont's childhood. And then at the end, of course, Belmont gives Van Helsing some very specific directions. Don't go over here. And long story short, we uncover Ben Helsing's old mentor, Bingo Bango, the Sri Lankan Swami Guru Extraordinaire, and that's where we left off. So I think at the end of that episode, they were gonna go kind of consult each other, catch up on the times, figure out a plan for the whole Dracula thing, and then that's where we're picking up today.
SPEAKER_01I think so. And as a side note, I just now, from your summary picturing it in my head, that Belmont's probably pretty messed up because anytime he's having a memory now of his childhood, it's doing that thing in the movie where he sees the memory, but then it pans over in Van Helsing's right there.
SPEAKER_06And not just like like sometimes he's like the waiter, sometimes he's like just eating at the dinner table, or like sometimes he's like doing the laundry. Sometimes he's just a plant. Yeah. Just obviously standing up. It's crazy. It's crazy. Okay. Alright, so we're we're gonna pick up then Helsing and Bingo. Go over the plans one more time. What are the rules while I'm gone?
SPEAKER_01There will be no going into the library again, and also no going into your bedroom to play with your dollies. They're not dollies. Action figures. Thank you. Correct, correct. I think that was it. Like, I'm obviously keeping this portrait of your mother. It's quite exquisite, especially around here in the lower chest region.
SPEAKER_06Okay, no, stop. Fine. We said you could keep that one portrait, because you literally keep peeling it off of the wall and it won't hang anymore. But that's it. Everything else, leave it alone, okay? Okay. Yes, I agree. And Bingo, uh, even though you've been locked in my basement for 20 years, I feel like you're the more responsible one, so I need to make sure that you're taking care of him. Oh, by the way, bingo's getting a voice change this episode, because there's no way I can I can manage uh whatever I was trying last episode.
SPEAKER_02Okay, perfect.
SPEAKER_06I'm going for like a George Takai thing here, but uh Oh yes, young Beaumont. I will make sure Van Helsing stays very on top of things and doesn't let a piece uh move out of place.
SPEAKER_00Quite right, he shall watch me, and I shall watch him, and we shall watch each other, if you will.
SPEAKER_06Okay, very good. Now, as as we discussed, I am going to uh do some reconnaissance at the Dracula, aka Dracula, to find out what they're up to, make sure that this pinpoint location on the map where we were tipped off on is legitimate, and help discover maybe a plan of attack how we'll get in in, out, easy, you know, do the deed, get out of there, and whatnot. So I I don't know how long I'll be gone, it'll probably take a few weeks or whatnot, or a couple days, I don't know. Just just stay here, stay put, don't go anywhere, and I'll be back.
SPEAKER_01I'm sorry, boy, there was a caterpillar crawling across my boot. I didn't hear anything you said. But trust, uh me and Bingo here will keep the place upright. I promise you that. Good luck on your finding stuff.
SPEAKER_06Promise you too, buddy.
SPEAKER_01And he walks out. Ah, Bingo, that could be my son, you know.
SPEAKER_06We have much to talk about, Van Helsing. In my time down there, you have grown soft, weak, and even more concerning. Moral. Oh, yes. Yes. The Van Helsing I trained back then would be disgusted by the person you've become.
SPEAKER_01I have gotten rather flabby and frumpy, if you will.
SPEAKER_06Diabetia aside, this is a spiritual journey that I think we need to reconnect to you. It sounds like there is no better time than now to recommence your trading.
SPEAKER_01Does that mean we'll be eating mushrooms? Because I've grown quite fond of finding random mushrooms in the forest, and then you chomp down on them a little bit, and then you go on an epic journey of killing clowns and whatnot. You son of a bitch I'm in. Alright, let's go find some. Um, first things first, though, I believe I want to raid or do reconnaissance, as Belmont would say, in the kitchen area. So let's go there first. That sounds good, my boy. To the kitchen.
SPEAKER_06Little Daft Monk's icon like it on screen. So I'm not quite sure what Ben Helsing's looking for, but uh yeah, you arrive in the Ven Helsing or the Belmont family kitchen.
SPEAKER_01Yes, this is quite like I remember it. I used to make quite a few late-night sandwiches down here after a good rendezvous with the lady of the house. Let me see here. And he starts uh rummaging through just cabinets and shit, knocking stuff down, looking around. Oh yes, here it is. I found it. Good memories. We shall be taking this bingo. This right here is a core memory of my heart. And he's holding up a very large chocolate fondue fountain.
SPEAKER_06Ah, my boy, I almost forgot about the chocolate fountain.
SPEAKER_01Yes, quite right. Lots of good memories, but it seems that uh obviously there was some kind of attack or something, and the maids or butlers didn't clean this very good. It's very it's caked all over. I'm gonna still try to taste it and see if it's good. And then he licks the however long year old chocolate.
SPEAKER_06I'm gonna roll for you a constitution. I hope you would.
SPEAKER_01And it is a thirteen. I've had worse things in my mouth. Oh my.
SPEAKER_06Anyway, he's gonna like, okay. I hope your appetite is filled now, my boy, because we have much work to do. Your first trial. Follow me.
SPEAKER_01Well, that doesn't sound too hard at all. I'm good at following, I'll follow you. Okay.
SPEAKER_06So you go to like not the archive, but like the lowest floor in the house, and uh it's kind of this, I don't know, whatever, empty room. Uh has some like broken furniture or whatever, but in the middle of the room you hear a tap, tap, tap, tap, and you know, looking around, you can see there is a leak uh in the house. And so Bingo Bango walks over to the leak and he says, Then Helsing, your first lesson is to learn to observe nature. Point number one. Look up here and see this leak. What is happening right here?
SPEAKER_01Okay, I am looking up, and I am seeing that they didn't use adequate plumbing in this house. Very cheap, very unprofessional for the Belmont family household. They should have used copper pipes.
SPEAKER_06Very good. Now I want you. And there's like a pool of water on the ground, and he's like, But your job is to make this pool of water go away. Okay. And you can only use your hands.
SPEAKER_01Oh, just my hands. Go. Oh like slaps you. Oh, oh, um, okay, and then I just start scooping up the water and just looking around for a place to throw, and I just throw it like five feet away from me.
SPEAKER_06Wrong, my boy. Wrong. Our job, as I said, is to observe nature. We are not to meddle. We are to let the natural occurrence of events happen. Observe. And then bingo like gets in, like, he stands over the puddle and does like a meditation type like thing, like a little like pose of kung fu. And then like kung fu move punches into the ground and punches a hole in the floor, and all the water like just seeps through the floor. It's like You are not trying to remove the water, you are trying to help it pass. Again, we observe, we do not change the sequence of events. We are there to benefit from them and help them pass through, my boy.
SPEAKER_01You are so wise, Bingo. I I couldn't even comprehend what just happened there. I I apparently misunderstood. I need to steady my focus. I I can see this now. Is my my my task complete? Am I trained? Absolutely not, my boy.
SPEAKER_06But you are 100% right. Next, we will discuss your focus. Follow me to Belmont's bedroom.
SPEAKER_01Focusing. Alright, focusing. Wait a second. I thought we weren't oh yes, let's go to Belmont's bedroom.
SPEAKER_06So you go up in there, Van Helsing. Tell me why we are here.
SPEAKER_01Because we were told not to, so obviously that's the first thing that we do. Excellent. Or second.
SPEAKER_06We observe we observe nature, but we are not limited by it. We cannot be told no, Van Helsing. We must dig into our deepest, most impulsive behaviors and desires, and we must grant them what they need. We are here doing the forbidden in Belmont's bedroom. And you know what that is.
SPEAKER_01The the forbidden? No, what is that? We're going to work on your focus. Oh, okay. He stops unbuttoning his shirt.
SPEAKER_06He uh so Bingo takes out under his bed Belmont's bed. I guess he knows his bedroom. I guess he gave a bunch of dolls, so he knows it very well. We established in the last episode. And he uh finds his journal, Belmont's journal, rips out the pages and just like tosses it and grabs like a blank page and a quill. And he's like, now your focus. I need you to remember this take this quill, take this paper, and write down everything Belmont said he was going to do on his journey. Oh shit. I want to make sure you were paying attention.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Um the first thing is reconnaissance. Reconnaissance where? Um to Dracula's. Yes. When? To this week, sometime. Yes, excellent, excellent. Okay. Why? Yeah. Um, because we have to kill him. Excellent. Sign your name. Okay, scribble, scribble, dot dot. Now you got a cootie shot.
SPEAKER_06Excellent. You've passed the test, and he takes it and folds it up and then like sticks it in an envelope, and then goes to the window and like whistles, and like a raven comes down. He like ties it to that bird and sends it off. He's like, Very good, Van Helsing. Your focus has been sharpened.
SPEAKER_00Well, what the fuck was that? No, what was that? You had a messenger bird?
SPEAKER_06All will be revealed, my son. Now.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_06The next challenge. Follow me.
SPEAKER_01Oh, alright. I look out the window before we leave and look around at that bird. Like, if he's been down there for that long, how long has that bird been waiting there?
SPEAKER_00Outrageous. You think the tree would just be covered in shit from a bird waiting there for years.
SPEAKER_06Also, I want you to roll me an insight uh check. Well, I guess I'll roll it for you. Uh you roll it. Oh god, you rolled a three. Okay, yeah. The bird flew away.
SPEAKER_01Crazy. Must have been a whole family of birds just over time, just waiting for bingo to come back. I need to de I'm gonna take notes and write it on my hand. Like, I'm gonna take notes on this.
SPEAKER_00How to develop a rat family that will serve me for generations. Other than Bingo. I'm coming, I'm coming. Absolutely crazy.
SPEAKER_06And then I follow him. Okay, you say you go out to like the Belmont training grounds, and uh he's like, now, for your next set of training, Van Helsing, you must become one with your inner beast.
SPEAKER_01Like finding my animality?
SPEAKER_03Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking of.
SPEAKER_06Yes, you must find your animality. First, I want you to meditate on those monkey bars.
SPEAKER_01Monkeys. Okay. Wait, upside down?
SPEAKER_06Sure, however, it's relaxing for your body.
SPEAKER_01Well, not a lot. I'm kind of fat and out of shape. This breathing isn't even relaxing for my body at this point.
SPEAKER_06Shh, listen to the sounds of your fat digestive stomach. That chocolate. Van Helsing, tell me, what animality are you? What is your spirit animal?
SPEAKER_01I am picturing in my mind's eye. I am going down a kaleidoscope of emotions, bingo. It's shapes and images and cheese and pirate hats and little monocles. Ooh, and little dapper mustaches. I see long elongated teeth, two of them, and whiskers, and little button nose, and little hands that look like they have opposable thumbs, but not really, you know, because it's just a it's a little it's a rat.
SPEAKER_00Oh yes, a rat.
SPEAKER_06Bingo is just staring you dead in the eye, silent for a moment, and then you hear a slow clap, and he's like, Yes, Venil Singh, you are the rat. Stealthy, useless, scavenging, but poisonous when not kept in check.
SPEAKER_01Oh yes, yes. I feel it in my bones, bingo, being a rat, you know, like my nuts always drag across the floor, and I leave streaks of urine everywhere. It's it's pretty much my calling card at this point.
SPEAKER_06Is that true? Is that what rats do? Anyway, we're gonna neither hear nor now Van Helsing. In a cooler universe, you would turn into a giant rat and embrace your animality. But in this universe, you can definitely not do that. So we need to find you a rat familiar.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I guess I can do that. Are you sure I can't turn into a rat? I've heard of some people being able to turn into animals and such.
SPEAKER_06Some of us can. Oh. And they are called druids. Oh, yes. But you are not, my child.
SPEAKER_01Oh shit. Okay. Uh let me do the call of the rat and see if any of my old posse of rats comes near me. Um I don't have a horn or anything. I'm just making that sound.
SPEAKER_06And I I want to say I this we never really described, did we ever really describe uh Captain McNibbles very much?
SPEAKER_01No, not really. Just that he was one of the pirate rats from the Nosferatu episode.
SPEAKER_06So I don't know. In my mind, he was kind of like a handsome rat. Like, I don't know, like he he was like cute and like animated and whatnot. Anyway, when you do this call, like the grossest, most disease-ridden rodents, like truly when you think of like a disgusting rat, like kind of like just comes out like crawling from under like one of the debris and like just like presents itself and like bows to you.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. And I start stepping on it.
SPEAKER_06Like stomping. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh, did you see that bingo? That hideous beast almost attacked me. It came out of the shadows. I've never seen a monster like that before in my life.
SPEAKER_06So actually, bingo's a little speechless. I don't think that's exactly how he thought that would go. I know.
SPEAKER_01Can you believe it? It was hideous.
SPEAKER_06We're going to chalk that one as conquering your inner beast and move on.
SPEAKER_01Fair enough. But what was that thing, you know? Like it looked like Master Splinter had the the Rona, but mixed with oh, his disgusting. Like he looks sickly. I'm gonna throw up just thinking about it. Follow me, my child. Okay. It's like scraping my boot off in the grass as we're walking.
SPEAKER_00I'm like, this is disgusting.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so next you go into some other abandoned room in Belmont's house. It doesn't matter, it plays the shit hole. And he has you sit down in the middle of an empty floor and places a blindfold around your eyes.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_06Then Hilsing, your senses have become dull. As the expert thief that you once were. You were prime in terms of stealth, sleight of hand. But now like what am I about to do? And before you even speak, he slaps you in the face.
SPEAKER_00Duh! Duh, you sucker punched me.
SPEAKER_06Yes. I taught you the sucker punch and yet you didn't even see it coming. And it's not because you're wearing a blindfold.
SPEAKER_01I didn't. No, I couldn't sense a thing. Usually I can tell when there's a sucker about that needs a good sucker punch. But you, sir, you bamboozled me good. Excellent.
SPEAKER_06And you are right. Usually you do sucker punch a sucker when he's around. Van Hilsing, this is your next challenge. Open up your mind and your senses. We are not alone here. We're not. Hold your breath and become one with the Belmont shit hole and find what is here with us. Okay.
SPEAKER_01I immediately let my breath out. I'm like, oh hold on. I need to I need to rethink this. It's been a while since I held my breath for any longer than a matter of a second or two.
SPEAKER_06You don't necessarily need to hold your breath then, Helsing. Just stop talking and pay attention.
SPEAKER_00Well, that's even harder.
SPEAKER_06Okay. And he just so he rips the blindf off. He's like, this isn't working. Okay, look around. What is the most valuable thing in this room?
SPEAKER_01Hmm. Probably this portrait of Belmont's mom I've been carrying around.
SPEAKER_06Okay, but financial like not not not in terms of memory valuable or you know personal value, but actual like financial value. What is the most valuable thing in this room?
SPEAKER_01Hmm, your knowledge, bingo, because this is a shithole. I mean, literally over there in the corner, there's shit in a hole in the floor.
SPEAKER_06Yes. And it's fresh.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_06Have you not noticed, Ben Helsing? You used to have an eye, you know, an eye for what we could heist, what we could lift off of uh, you know, someone's home. There's nothing of value in here, Ben Helsing. It's almost like somebody has been taking all of the valuable items and selling them.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you are right. Who would do such a thing to the beautiful Belmont family coming here and trying to destroy their home like this?
SPEAKER_06Yes, who indeed? And uh I'm gonna say that like Bingo like starts walking casually, like, he's such a beautiful day out. And then he reaches out and grabs like through the curtain, there's like a tattered curtain, but still like mostly intact, and he grabs and like almost like he's like force-choking somebody through the curtain, and then somebody starts like and he reveals the curtain, and it is none other than the merchant from episode one or now episode five, the penguin.
SPEAKER_00Oh, you son of a bitch. When did you die and become a ghost and haunt the Belmont family household?
SPEAKER_06Uh guys, uh, sorry. I okay, a little suspicious of me, you know, just wandering around here. Honestly, this no one's been here for for months. I didn't think anybody else was here anymore. Um, listen, guys, I've just I've fallen on hard times, you know. I used to be, you know, an uh up-and-coming merchant, you know, and and that kind of thing. But then, man, I married the wrong chick, and her son is just the worst, okay? He just terrorizes me, honestly. He won't put the trash away, he won't take the trash out, he won't do anything. And this adds up over time, and I just got stressed, man. I got stressed, and then I started selling things, the wrong things to the wrong people, and then I owed people money, and it just got real bad. So I came to this place, nobody was here, had a bunch of valuable shit.
SPEAKER_04So I just started, you know, taking it and selling it to get by, and then I was like, maybe I could just live here. And I'm like, it's a shithole. Why don't I just shit in the floor? Nobody's gonna care. And then all of a sudden, a bunch of people are here, and I'm like, what the fuck? And I start hiding behind curtains, man. Like, look, it's like, hey, no, no harm, no foul, right?
SPEAKER_01Wait a second.
SPEAKER_04I know you.
SPEAKER_01You're the stepdad from the market.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah. You're uh no pants guy, right?
SPEAKER_01Well, it was hot that day, a sweltering heat, some would say, and leather pants, you know, and sweltering heat. We've all seen that episode of Friends where Ross has the leather pants, and then he's got to use the chalk on him, and then like it's all nasty and lotion-y, and then he's on that date with that lady, and like we've all seen it.
SPEAKER_06I don't know anything you just said, but sure. Yes, absolutely. Listen, I just you know, that was that was actually really where things truly got out of control. You know, that day my briefcase broke, I kept packing shit in it, it kept breaking every couple miles, every couple blocks, it just br the latches broke back open. I drop all my shit. Then then I went to the ball pit to pick up my my actual son, and he found a crossbow, and it just it got bananas, man. You know, like being a parent just fucking sucks. And so I thought, you know, I'll just come here and you know, like just take a you know a break from everything. And listen, guys, I'm just gonna take off, man. Uh, I think honestly, there's nothing left to value here except, you know, whatever is in that gate downstairs. And I I think let's just cut cut our losses. I'm gonna I'm gonna go. So thanks.
SPEAKER_01Well, I don't I don't think we could just let you leave. You've been stealing stuff from uh this close family of mine. I've known these people for years, and you can't just steal stuff, and okay, I understand you've had hard times. I remember at one point you were randomly pushed down by a very handsome gentleman, I'm sure, and all your knickknacks got knocked out, and then a two fellows went by and laughed at you, and that must have been horrible. And then there's your kid like killing somebody with a crossbow, and that was awful. And uh I'm sorry for these things, but you can't just go into someone's house and steal. That's not what we do here.
SPEAKER_06And as you finish, Bingo's like, I agree with Ben Hilsing, and then he quickly takes out a knife because he's uh he's actually like a rogue character class, is how I built him. And he takes out lightning fast, crazy sleight of hand, like takes out a knife, holds it up to the guy's penguin's hand, and he's like, Give us all of the money, 50% of what you've made off of selling this, and then we will let you go.
SPEAKER_01Well, bingo, I wasn't gonna go there. Okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_04Oh guys, guys, uh uh man, uh it's just like I don't know if I have that money, you know. Like uh I I hey I I I could get it for you, I could get it for you.
SPEAKER_06I just I don't have it right now. I don't have it right now, because the fucking step kid, you know, he needs clothes, he wants a hoverboard, like he's like, what the fuck? He always wants something, he always needs, you know, a physical so he can play with a cross. You know, he's not even that fucking coordinated. I don't get it, but I don't have it right now. Bingo's like, okay, you have two options. I kill you right now, or you become forever indebted to us as a manslave. And suck a punch!
SPEAKER_03Ugh uh Um Okay, I guess what is what does option two entail since you know the former's not you know super pleasant?
SPEAKER_06You will go to the next destination that I tell you and wait for my commands, and you will not go anywhere, or I will reveal to the Belmont uh child that you have been stealing from him, and he will murder you. And then I will murder you, and then you will be murdered, double murdered.
SPEAKER_01Triple murdered if I get involved.
SPEAKER_03Uh yeah, okay. Uh okay, yeah, I guess I'll I'll meet you downstairs for your next or wait your next order.
SPEAKER_06Very good.
SPEAKER_01Before you go, I would like to take this little pen that I have here with ink, and I will put a little nose on your nose and some little mouse whiskers, and you shall now be known instead of penguin as McNibbles. You are now McNibbles. Go on, McNibbles. Chop chop.
SPEAKER_06Okay, and he just kinda like walks off looking behind him, confused.
SPEAKER_01Bye, McNibbles.
SPEAKER_06As you hear, like at first you hear like someone like walking down the stairs, then you kinda just hear running and then the door closed.
SPEAKER_00I th I think he ran away.
SPEAKER_06Yes, but not without this. And I hold up like a bag of gold uh that he clearly had.
SPEAKER_00What you took that from him without him noticing?
SPEAKER_01Was that the sucker punch? Did I help?
SPEAKER_06Not at all. It was stolen before he even revealed himself.
SPEAKER_01Wow. You are so good still. Even being locked away for all those years, you think you'd be a little rusty or something, you know, but you still got it, Bingo.
SPEAKER_06I still do, and soon you'll have it too. Follow me, my boy.
SPEAKER_00Alright, I'm following along. How how did he get that? I didn't even see it.
SPEAKER_01Who are you talking to? Myself, I monologue from time to time, as if a bunch of other people are listening to my thoughts and stuff.
SPEAKER_06And with that, he leads you into uh Belmont's mother's room, who you actually remember her name was Vanessa.
unknownVanessa.
SPEAKER_01Oh Vanessa, yes. Just walking into this room and smelling the lilac and cucumber melon stuff gives me an instant um uh attention, if you know what I'm saying. That is actually the scent of my snake oil, Ben Hill singer. Ah. Well, I'm gonna have to get a bottle of that before we go. It's helping me with things.
SPEAKER_06It's like CBD oil. I just um uh also have you been carrying around that that like portrait with you everywhere? Can we just say that's been happening? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Yep.
SPEAKER_06Bingo walks in and immediately uh he I guess has already prepared some flint and some um tinder or whatever to light, and he lights the fireplace. There was like a nice little fireplace in there. He has a little bit of a fire going, and he says, sit down, Indian style or Native American style, whatever we're calling it these days, sit down and cross-legged.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I don't know the politically correct term for how to sit like this. You know, you're taught one thing as a child, and then all of a sudden the times change.
SPEAKER_06It's fine. I'm from the Orient.
SPEAKER_01Okay, fair enough. Hold on. Uh he can't just sit by crossing his legs, he has to sit flat on his butt and then grab each leg individually and tuck it in. There we go. Let me undo my pants real fast. Ugh, okay, I am ready now.
SPEAKER_06Now, Van Hilsing, you must let go of your biggest attachment. You are too attached to this earthy plane. And so I want you to think hard. What are you most attached to?
SPEAKER_01Ham sandwiches, loose women, possibly harpies, Belmont, of course. Um this large painting of no, no, no, I I need that. I can't let go of that.
SPEAKER_06You know what you have to do, Van Helsing. You must tear this portrait apart.
SPEAKER_01But I just got it, and I missed it. And have you seen these bazoungas? They're very nice. And I my memory's not as sharp as it once was, bingo, and I need these little memories to get me through the day. It's really all I have left to live for. Don't make me destroy it, please. Do it.
SPEAKER_00Do it.
SPEAKER_01Okay, um what's that over there? And then I just rip some parchment in my pocket, and like, there you go, destroyed, but the painting's still behind my back.
SPEAKER_06Then I'll sing. I'm not fooling around. If you don't do it, I will burn the painting and there will be no tattered pieces left.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay. Can I at least keep my favorite part of the portrait? Yes, my child. Alright, and I take my knife out, and then uh I'm sure nobody else has noticed, but there's actually a small hand-painted rat in the bottom right corner of the portrait. And it looks like it was uh drawn in after the fact. And I cut that out and roll it up and put it in my pocket and then proceed to rip up the rest of the painting, tears rolling down my face.
SPEAKER_06I actually thought you were gonna cut out just her chest.
SPEAKER_01What do you think I am, bingo? Some kind of pervert. Very well. I've seen a million boobs, and I'll see a million more. But these ones were nice.
SPEAKER_06You have passed the test, the final test, my child. So there is one more thing you must do, and then you will be ready for ascension. Okay. Go, take the sack, and whatever is still remaining of value in this house, I want you to put in the sack and meet me downstairs by the front door.
SPEAKER_01Alright, I'll do my best. I don't see what this has to do with anything, but you are a wise man, Bingo. Quick, quick, my boy. Alright, hop two, yes, yes. Tears still rolling down my face.
SPEAKER_06As you leave the room, uh Bingo starts collecting up the pieces, and he notices, because you know, some are like front and some are back, he notices on the back side of the like canvas some writing. And he's like, Oh my. And he uh he like pieces, you know, like a puzzle pieces all uh together, except the little corner where the I guess the drawn-in rat was. And there's actually like a letter, and it says, um, only bingo knows this, but my dearest Van Helsing, I knew you would find this letter one day. I knew this was one of your favorite portraits of us, given that I was extra busty that day. You always looked at it when I was trying to talk to you about serious things. I want you to know that you were the love of my life. But even more than that, I want you to know something else. Victor, he knows. Uh, and you well, you're not there, but Victor was uh Belmont's father. Okay. Check. Victor knows. Uh my lo my youngest, his name is Trevor. He is no Belmont. Victor, I believe, knows and has begun treating the child poorly. And sadly, my health has declined in recent years. I don't think I will be here to see Trevor grow. So please take care of that boy, for he is in fact of Van Helsing. Sincerely, Vanessa. As Bingo reads this, he's like, Oh my, this would be very shattering for young Van Helsing if you were to see this. And as he does that, he grabs all the pieces and goes whoopsie and throws it into the fire. And as uh you do that, you come back, Van Helsing comes back into the room. My boy, uh, is everything complete?
SPEAKER_01Yes, I've gathered everything I could while you were in there dilly dallying around. There's not really much. I got the silverware, there's this candelabra that was actually kind of risque. That's pretty much it. All I could really find.
SPEAKER_06Excellent, my boy. Let's go down to the front door.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_06Whatever we speed down there. And he says, Now, are you ready to pack your things and go, Ben Helsing?
SPEAKER_01Well, where are we going? I thought we were gonna wait here for Belmont to return.
SPEAKER_06Think about your challenges today. The water, the the leak. We are not here to change the order of nature. If Dracula has returned, that is what nature intends. We are here to benefit from it. We are here to enjoy the situation and take advantage of it, as it were. We are not heroes, Ben Helsing, we never have been. You have lost your way in these last twenty years. Going around pretending to be a monster hunter. Literally, when I left you, you were pretending to be a monster hunter. Somewhere you got lost and you actually started hunting monsters with this child of a Belmont, who means probably literally nothing to you, I'm sure. We're going. It is time we go back to rifting, scamming, and what we can do, make peace with Dracula, start rounding up cattle or human sacrifices, and get on his good side and become czars of the Transylvanian kingdom.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Sure. Um to be right back, I have to take a Duke really, really long before a trip. So you stay here. Here's the stuff. I'll be right back, I promise. And then I run inside holding my butt like I have to poo real bad. But I'm just gonna draw on the dust on a table. Dear Belmont, um Bingo sucks, but I'm gonna follow him. He's a bad guy. I'm good in my heart, I promise. I would never hurt you. I love your mother. Um uh um come find us, please. I'm afraid he'll kill me. I'm weak and fat. This is a good thing that you have such an exquisite house. I'm writing all this because this is a long message on a dusty table, and it's getting quite long, and my fingers getting tired. Anyways, Tululu. By the way, I killed a monster outside that was trying to break in. It was terrifying. Uh I love you. Uh find me by Fantasing.
SPEAKER_06ExoXo. Um cool. So you go back out and you meet Bingo and I am now ready.
SPEAKER_01That was probably the longest dump I've taken in a long time. Let's go. Onward, you lead the way, and I shall follow.
SPEAKER_06Yes, everything will be flowers from here, my boy.
SPEAKER_01Yes, potpourri.
SPEAKER_06And with that, he opens the front door with a sack full of the remaining valuables in the Belmont home, and they uh leave for good. And uh, that is where we're gonna end it today.
SPEAKER_01Oh man, it's getting so crazy.
SPEAKER_06I intended to truly let you make the decision at the end of this episode of if you are gonna follow bingo or not. To be honest, I thought maybe you were gonna not follow him, but you did, so we'll be having a lot more bingo than I was planning. Um, but very good. Yeah, I'm I'm excited to see where this goes. I have always imagined we meet Van Helsing in the beginning of all these episodes, and he's a terrible person. And he got that from somebody, and he got it from Bingo. And bingo is all the moral cesspool qualities of Van Helsing, but the competence of Belmont. So Bingo is a very dangerous man, and Van Helsing is a very easily influenced uh side sidekick. So I'd be very curious to see how this goes. Right. Meanwhile, um you can probably imagine maybe where that raven with the details of Belmont went. To Dracula. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Dracula.
SPEAKER_06Exactly. So I think in the next episode, we're gonna pivot and uh see how Belmont fares at Dracula's castle for his uh stealthy reconnaissance mission.
SPEAKER_01Ooh, I can be a random posse guy he picked up along the way. But uh, and my my thinking is that yes, Van Helsing is a piece of shit, but he has grown very fond of Belmont and of trying to do the right thing. But because it is his old mentor and he's like, let's go, like, oh okay, he's like kind of falling back into it. Exactly, exactly.
SPEAKER_02It's good, it's good.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I'm excited. I think there might actually be some character development this season. Stay tuned, listeners. There might be actual reasons to listen to the show aside from laughs and bits.
SPEAKER_01And then Van Helsing dies of a cholesterol-related heart attack.
SPEAKER_06At some point, we have to come up with original characters, so when we're free, we can merchandise stuff because we can't use Van Helsing. We can't use Belmont, we can't use Penguin. Dracula might be fine. Um actually, I think we can use Van Helsing because Van Helsing isn't like public domain because he's so old or something.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_06I don't know how that works, but we might be able to use Van Helsing, but which is good because he's the funnier one. But Belmont is definitely owned by the whatever owns Castlevania the Namco or whatever. One day, if this blows up, we definitely actually probably can't print like the merchandise. So at some point we'll have to introduce some. That's why bingo, where you're gonna start seeing some more OG characters in case we ever make it big and we can actually uh profit off of Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I'm picturing like the three of them together on a shirt, but Belmont's all pixelated out.
SPEAKER_02Copyright over his face. Tribor. It's four fucking robots in one name. Trimont. Oh, I went back and listened to that. Man, what a good episode that was.
SPEAKER_06It was it was a good one because the trivia was good too. And I honestly I was impressed with how much I maybe because I did research for your questions, but I knew more than I thought. I was pretty proud of myself.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. We both seemed very knowledgeable as far as Mortal Kombat goes.
SPEAKER_06I am glad we took this year break because listening back to some of the episodes, I'm actually enjoying them again, which after I edit them from listening so much, it's just so hard. Even like our last episode, same thing now. I I don't want to hear that for another many months because I just had to keep playing it to try to cut out your any time I could where you weren't talking. I just had to like try to remove you so we didn't get the like tin noise in the background. Right. I get it. But uh, I went back, like I listened to no uh no way, no esparatu, and literally I was cackling on like my walk while I was listening to it, and I'm like, this is genius. Like that episode is so funny with so many references, and I'm like, we're fucking funny. I know I'm just literally now on my show talking about how funny we are, right? But I those older episodes, some of them are are just brilliant.
SPEAKER_01And when people wouldn't let us in their houses, we're like, I'm gonna throw a maltov card.
SPEAKER_06Well, Chris was just absolutely just like refusing to let us in. So we just are like this place, fuck this plague, we'll go to the next house. It was a good time. All right, thank you so much for listening. Uh we will be back next week, two weeks eventually, with another episode of the Tales of the Daft Monks.
SPEAKER_01Ooh, thank you, and please come back again.
