Why Military Marriages Fail And How To Save Yours

We all know the statistics. We hear horror stories, but how do we nurture our military marriages? What steps do we take to bring love back into our relationships? How do we journey through the hard times together without growing apart?

Too often we hear from military couples who want to stay together but aren't sure how to get started on the path of forgiveness and understanding.

Join us today as we share with you what we have learned in our own marriages, the challenges we still face, and the advice we have picked up along the way.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] If you are a veteran and have filed a VA disability claim and have been denied, have received a low rating, or you're unsure how to get started. Reach out to us, go to vacifree30.com, linked in our show notes and take advantage of a free VA claim discovery. Call learn what you've been missing so you can finally get the disability rating and compensation you deserve.  

[00:00:31] Erin: Welcome back mil spouses to another episode of MilSpouse House. Molly and I were kind of just talking about some things I was reading on a few subreddits and Facebook groups that I belong to as a military spouse and I was reading some conversations that some other spouses were having. And there's a common theme of wanting marriage advice and advice from other military spouses of how do you [00:01:00] go through the troubles of marriage with the factor of being a military family added on top of that because we all know marriage is hard and can be difficult at times. And we all know the divorce rate is higher in the military families than it is in civilian families. Is there something that we can help each other out with in actually having conversations about marriage? 

[00:01:30] And I think the first thing is, is talking about troubles that you're having within your marriage or having the conversation that it's not a picture perfect life. Like we definitely celebrate military families on this podcasts, but we know that it's not perfect every  

[00:01:47] Molly: Yeah, no for sure. And I have a couple of personal theories on why the divorce rate is so high in the military. 

[00:01:54] You know, one, and we've talked about it a lot that typically the military speeds [00:02:00] up the marriage process in terms of, you know I don't know if my husband and I would have gotten married when we did how we did, if he was not in the military, but I do know, but we, we are a little bit different just because we were dating for so many years prior to it. 

[00:02:19] A lot of the times you hear military spouses that they meet a service member while they're in and so they're only actually dating or they've only actually known that person for a couple of months or, you know, a year or, you know, whatever the timeframe is. 

[00:02:36] And so it typically is very sped up for a number of different reasons. But that is kind of the, the trend I would say. And so I definitely think that's a factor because if you haven't gone through that dating process, you can, you can find out a lot about someone within that dating process, living with that person, you know were you living with them prior to getting married and, and those types of things. 

[00:02:59] So [00:03:00] I think that's one of my biggest theories is kind of just straight out the gate, full speed ahead. If you get married really quick, there's a lot that you and your spouse either don't know about each other, or have to figure out... 

[00:03:12] Erin: A lot of us skip that dating period. 

[00:03:14] We kind of skipped the dating period. I mean, we did know each other as well for many years, but we didn't date like you all did. And I think for a lot of people, that romance part of it is so short for us, military spouses and couples. And so that like the old term, like courting, you know, like the butterflies, like all the really fun, fun things, like even the honeymoon phase ends much faster for us, because reality kicks in your spouse is being deployed. 

[00:03:51] Your spouse is going off to training. You're moving across the country. You're moving across the world. Like all these, like you said, milestones [00:04:00] happen within the first, sometimes first year. And you do miss that, like kind of whimsical dating cycle, I guess.  

[00:04:12] Molly: Yeah. Yeah. And it's, it's hard. I also hear too, like, even if you do get engaged, it's really hard to plan a wedding within the military because we've talked about this before, too. 

[00:04:24] It's really hard to plan anything in the military there's trainings that pop up there's, you know, who knows if your leave is going to get approved, PCSing, I mean, they're deployments, there are so many different factors and planning is really, really hard. So I think that is also why there's a lot of elopements and, you know, courthouse, weddings because it's just easier, you know, it's so much easier to do it that way than to plan an actual wedding. 

[00:04:50] And your service member not be able to be there for it.  

[00:04:54] Erin: And one of the comments I was reading, it was this girl asking for some advice, because she [00:05:00] was going to going to do the secret marriage, act like they're engaged for a year or whatever, and then have them have a wedding. 

[00:05:07] And I feel like sometimes, you know, obviously do what's best for you, but I feel like sometimes that can, it can bring some, not necessarily tension, but I know for me, like I didn't have a wedding shower. I didn't have a bachelorette party. I didn't have an engagement party, all those like little celebratory things. 

[00:05:28] And I told her that we almost did the secret engagement wedding thing, but ultimately I was glad that I was out about my marriage. I think hiding a marriage is, is something that would be so tough and kind of confuse the relationship in a way. Yeah, and that's an assumption of mine, but that's why we decided against it ultimately. 

[00:05:53] Molly: Yeah. And we, we didn't, so we got engaged when he, right [00:06:00] before he went in to basic training pretty much. So we got engaged right before then, but then we were planning while he was at basic, I was kind of quote, unquote planning the wedding to keep my mind off of, you know, I can't talk to my husband for eight or my fiance for eight weeks. 

[00:06:17] So it was, it was a real, like I went dress shopping with my family and, you know, started to make a Pinterest board. It just, it distracted me. We didn't have a date, but we did have a general plan. So I did get to try on wedding dresses and all of that while he was at basic. And, and yet obviously we were engaged and then when we decided to elope, we didn't tell anybody, but that wasn't because we weren't proud of it. It was that I didn't want anyone's opinion. 

[00:06:46] And that's how we could keep that down. We almost didn't tell our parents. But at the last minute we were just like, okay, well, we really want to tell her parents and, you know, make sure that they're in an, in on it. 

[00:06:57] But then we just told everybody else [00:07:00] afterwards, we'd literally sent out like a mass text saying like with a picture of us getting married to everybody. So whatever family members are still a little peeved about that, but we did it how we wanted to do it. Right.  

[00:07:16] No, but in going back to kind of the speed, the high speed train that the military is in terms of, you know, relationships, I do have a really, you know, a really good, a couple of friends actually that are a great example because they did, they met the service member, they got married really quick and they're still married. 

[00:07:39] They got married around the time that we got married. So we're going on seven years married. So yeah, they, and they, they have kids. And so sometimes it does work, you know, not everybody is the statistic, but I do feel like they work hard. They work hard at their marriage.  

[00:07:57] But that being said, like working hard at your [00:08:00] marriage, like that would be my number one tip is it's not going to be a cake walk, especially in the military or transitioning out. 

[00:08:09] You have to work hard at your marriage. It has to be a two way street. Someone can't be working harder at your marriage, than the other and setting those expectations within your relationship as well. But what if one of my biggest, I guess, tips for marriage is that to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt to understand that they are not doing that specific act, or they're not doing what they're doing to piss you off. They're not doing it like, oh, this will really make Molly mad. 

[00:08:44] If I do this, or if I don't respond to this text, it'll really, really make her mad. You have to approach it or kind of change your mindset. Or at least I did and say, okay, this person loves me. This person really [00:09:00] cares about me, or we wouldn't be married, but this person loves me. They wouldn't purposely do anything to tick me off. 

[00:09:08] So kind of giving them the benefit of the doubt is... hey, maybe they open that text, but they couldn't respond right now. And they're going to respond later. Unless we're like in a fight or something, but that's a whole nother thing, but like doing things that will specifically, you know, that's that's like the toxic relationship um, which I do know happens sometimes. 

[00:09:29] And maybe, maybe that's a bridge that you have to cross. But, I have to remind myself to like, with my kids, you know, they're not specifically doing that to make me mad, maybe they're testing a boundary, but they're not doing it like, oh, I know how to make mom mad. 

[00:09:46] I'll do this. It's very rare that the motive behind an act is negative. Especially if that person loves you.  

[00:09:55] Erin: Yeah. And I think this has been something that I have [00:10:00] really, really been working on for the past a year. I would say is, yes, they're not trying to hurt you on purpose and also the little things that they are doing, that you may just see as a thing that they're doing is actually them trying To help you or trying to show you that they care or show you that they're doing something, you know, recently my husband actually had to remind me that he was doing something because it was something that I had asked him for. Like I had asked him, you know, I really want to go on a date or something. 

[00:10:38] Like we don't, we never go on dates because I'm always working at night. He's always working there during the day... weekends... we're tired at that point. And like, it's just not enough romantic time. But then he's like, Erin, I just booked us a trip to Jeju for the 4th of July weekend. That's [00:11:00] romantic. It's just not happening right now. 

[00:11:03] And I had to remind myself, oh my gosh, that is like a couple months away or whatever, but that is him showing that he has taken into account what I said it may not be an immediate solution to my want or need, but it is a solution that he is trying to do and he is actively planning. And like, I think we just get caught up in the right now kind of moments. 

[00:11:32] And we don't think about those other things. And even just like him setting the coffee up before he goes to bed, because I may have forgot to put it on the timer or whatever. It's those little things that we overlook. So often along with the, oh, he's ignoring me kind of stuff, you know?  

[00:11:53] Molly: Yeah. Yeah. And, and, you know, It's me trying [00:12:00] not to get hung up on things too. 

[00:12:02] The hung up on the little things, you know, like I know that my husband listens, but I, one of my things is I have anxiety. I have me  

[00:12:12] Erin: Oh girl, me too. I think that's a common theme with us military spouses 

[00:12:19] Molly: for sure and one of, for some reason, one of my things is I like to know when he's coming home. You know, when he's on the road, you know, if I haven't heard from him all day, because he's so busy at work and then he just like shows up at home. 

[00:12:34] It's just like,  

[00:12:36] Erin: I'm the same way.  

[00:12:38] Molly: Just texted me, said, Hey, I was on my way home. I don't know why. Just like, it just takes my anxiety down a notch. If I know that he's on his way home. He gets in the car, his car ride. He, he likes to call like friends and family and that's kind of his time. I think he just, honestly, it's an honest mistake. 

[00:12:59] He [00:13:00] just forgets,  

[00:13:00] um,  
 

[00:13:01] Erin: Your husband is the same as my husband. We literally, like, I can't wait for them to meet because they seem very similar. I I'm the same exact way Molly. I'm like, I need you to let me know, because I don't know. It could be, it could be anything like maybe I wanted to have cleaned up. I mean, cause I'm, you're all day long. 

[00:13:19] Right? So the kitchen by the end of the day is a mess. Cause I don't have time to do all that while I'm working. Maybe I would want it cleaned up before he gets home. I completely understand.  

[00:13:29] Molly: And then, but sometimes I love the surprise. Like yesterday I didn't expect him home until like five 30 or six. And he walked in at like four 30. And so it was such a nice surprise that he was home, you know, before I thought he was going to be home. 

[00:13:42] So it's like, I can't have it both ways. But I'm both wins. Yes. But I'm trying not to get hung up on those types of things because he knows my expectation. He knows that I would love a text when, so when he does text me, it's fantastic. I love it. And I thank him for it. That's something too [00:14:00] that I, I, you know, when you see them, when you see them doing a task or something you've asked is to thank them right then and there not just say it in your head. 

[00:14:09] And if they're not there, write them a note, you know, Hey, thanks for unloading the dishwasher. I am. Notably one of those wives. I sometimes I used to be really good at it, but I make my husband's lunch watch when I'm making my daughter's lunch. And I'll write like notes on, on his like sandwich bag. 

[00:14:30] I'm sure his coworkers give him crap for it. But I'll write notes and I'll like, write all, thank him on the note or I'll do like a dad joke or, you know, something, but sometimes if like, you know, I think I did it on Monday and I was like, Hey, thank you so much for a beautiful mother's day. Like the day was perfect, you know, just thanking him. 

[00:14:50] I know I thanked him verbally, but it's something about seeing it written as well, like being appreciated verbally versus like reading [00:15:00] it. We  

[00:15:01] Erin: do a lot of notes too, because we're always passing ships in the night kind of thing. But what you said, like, we can't have it both ways. I think it's like a big deal. So I don't like to choose where we eat because my husband is a little bit pickier than I am, and I don't want to disappoint him. 

[00:15:18] So I'm like, or put him, like, I want him to enjoy himself, but he gets tired of picking a place all the time and wants me to pick the place sometimes. So you've got to understand that maybe your partner is asking something of you that you are asking of them as well. Yeah. And you can't have it both ways. 

[00:15:38] Molly: Yeah. I saw I have a perfect potential solution to your problem. I saw this tik tok the other day and it was a rock paper, scissors date. And so they would do a rock paper scissors, and like, you know, whoever won got to pick where they went for appetizers, and then they [00:16:00] would do rock paper scissors again, and whoever won got to pick where they had their entrees. 

[00:16:04] Oh that's. And so that would be kind of a fun. Like way for someone to decide, because we have the same issue is I am, but it's switched. So I'm more picky than he is. He would eat anything anywhere. And sometimes like, I really want, I have a thing with breakfast in terms of like, if it's like, I have to have breakfast food before lunch, like I can't have like a lunch food or a non breakfast food in the morning. 

[00:16:35] I don't know. It's weird. I think I got it.  

[00:16:36] Erin: Yeah. The way I could eat. Yeah, I, yeah, I I'm the other way. Yeah.  

[00:16:40] Molly: I would think you would have to be though, because you are switched most of the time. Oh  

[00:16:44] Erin: yeah. It is true. It really has messed that kind of a pattern up for me is for sure. Yeah. But that's a really cute way to go about it. 

[00:16:55] Molly: Yeah. Finding creative ways around issues, you know? My husband and [00:17:00] I, we, we, gosh, we have so much going on in terms of like the kids and we both have extra full-time jobs and then he's in school. And so there's very few times that we can actually sit and not talk about work school. And we did the other night and we looked at each other and we're like, this felt so good. 

[00:17:21] We have like almost a political conversation actually. Which typically we don't, we don't like to, you know, we don't watch the newest and everything, but it was you know, it was important to, you know, there's a lot been going on. And so we kinda just touched base on some of the hot topics right now that you see on social media and on the news. 

[00:17:40] And he's like, we haven't done this in a really long time. Like this felt really good to like get off my chest. And I was like, same. So I think we're gonna try. You know, to, to do it more often, but it was nice that we both verbally said like, yeah, this was nice. This was like, good for [00:18:00] mental health to like, get this out there and kind of reconnect and touch base, you know, cause even if you're on different political sides, which my husband and I were for years, but it's just because we avoided the topic. 

[00:18:12] So we didn't know how similar our beliefs were. We were just coming at it in different ways.  

[00:18:18] Erin: My husband and I were doing that for a long time too.  

[00:18:21] Molly: And so it was really, and it took like an election and that's like talking through a lot of like the ballots together, like the ballot questions and all of that for us to be like, wow, we are literally on the same page on the majority of the topics. 

[00:18:38] Erin: Well, a lot of people are it's the way a lot of people have this same goal. But it's the way they want those goals achieved and the way they approach it, that's different. And that's, that's exactly what we have over the years learned as well. Like, like we absolutely want the best for people, but the way we think [00:19:00] and how we get there, can be different at times. 

[00:19:03] Molly: Yeah. People always think there's like, there's a, there's a right. And there's a wrong. 

[00:19:08] Erin: Right.  

[00:19:09] Molly: And you, yeah, you have the same goals and honestly, not to get political, but I think that is one of the major issues with our government and policies and everything is of course, everyone wants the best for people, but again, the approach and how you get there is going to look drastically different depending on your values and  

[00:19:32] Erin: how you were brought up, where, what your environment is now, everything.  

[00:19:36] Molly: Yeah. But I think that's super important. You and your, you and your spouse can totally be on different ends of the spectrum in terms of anything, but as long as you are both open to hearing each other's sides and you don't put that wall up, I don't, I honestly don't think that it it's an issue. 

[00:19:55] My parents are on completely different sides of the political scale, and they've been married [00:20:00] for. Oh, God, I don't know the sorry, mom and dad. I don't know what years. At least 30, at least 30.  

[00:20:09] Erin: Here's the thing with that though. And here, here was the second thing that I wanted to bring up. I think the first tip we both agree. Like we both came with that. Cause you know recognizing when your spouse is trying and also that they're not trying to hurt you.  

[00:20:24] But the second thing, I think that's important and goes with what you just said is that we have to learn about ourselves and how to talk about our beliefs, what we want, who we are as people. 

[00:20:39] What I value, if you can't articulate that and you haven't sat and thought about it or practiced it or realize like actually like who you are as a person. How can you expect somebody else to fully understand it? And I think that's where those conversations streams get [00:21:00] tangled up and you get caught in this web of arguing and not hearing each other and not seeing each other and not listening. 

[00:21:07] I think it's so important for you to be able to calmly talk about yourself or talk about what you believe in, because how can you get the, how can you expect the other person to understand if, if you can't articulate it?  

[00:21:22] Molly: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I think that. Yeah, that's, that's so important. 

[00:21:27] So important to again, learn about yourself before bringing on a whole nother person. I think honestly, that goes right back to my theory as well, because a lot of the statistics, I believe truly are those, you know, 18 year olds that go straight from high school, straight to the military, and they're really, really young. 

[00:21:55] And so they get married young and I don't think they have fully understood [00:22:00] or they fully understand who they are as a person. And then they are meshing lives, you know, come combining with another person when they don't know who they are and that can be, make or break, you know,  

[00:22:18] Erin: And I see a lot. I see a lot of people, you know, suggest to, to, especially these spouses on these pages who are having hard times, marriage counseling, marriage counseling, marriage counseling. 

[00:22:29] And I, and I see that. And I, and I understand it. I would start with going on your own. So, and this is just how I did it. This is how we did it. This is just a recommendation. This is not like take it for whatever it is, but I went by myself and then I would invite my husband every once in a while to join me and my therapist, because I, I, I had to learn about what I [00:23:00] wanted first. 

[00:23:01] Cause if you don't know what you want, then how can you expect your partner to know? And I, and I think it's important to have that individual journey and you can have that while you're married and in that situation, but it does take a level of self-value and care. And like that's self care like that right there, like learning about yourself and becoming an individual because it is so easy for us to be as the military likes to call us, you know, dependents and sponsors, you know, like we resort to these titles and you got to learn about yourself and, and of course, and then, and then pile the marriage counseling on top of that too, I think. 

[00:23:48] But I think you have to, I think it takes both, you understanding yourself as an individual and then bringing in the conversation of how do you, how do you communicate? [00:24:00]  

[00:24:00] Molly: Yeah. And I, and I, I think this is from movies, but I always hear like, you know, in movies, like I just need to work on myself. I need to work on myself right now. 

[00:24:09] And that's kind of almost a reasoning for. Them splitting from their partner or it doesn't even have to be divorced. It can be just like, you know, I'm not ready to date right now. Or I'm like, even just a, a breakup, you know, from from someone be like, I just need to work on myself. I can't work on us right now. 

[00:24:29] I need to work on myself, but why can't you do it at the same time? You know, like you were saying, there is, there's definitely, I feel like there's definitely space to do it. And if that person truly does love you and is there for the long haul, they might even you asking them like, Hey, I need to go to my therapist on my own. 

[00:24:50] I need to work on myself before I can work on us. Are you like, does that sound like something that we can work through? can you take the kids for an hour[00:25:00] each week while I go to therapy?  

[00:25:01] Like work something out. Because if that person truly does love you, they're going to want you to work on yourself. 

[00:25:08] And maybe this will be something that they can do to like let's work on us individually and then come back and work on our marriage. Because the true definition of marriage is that you are one, then you working on yourself, is you working on your marriage?  

[00:25:28] Erin: Exactly, exactly. And that that's, I think the biggest piece that is missing in some of these conversations. It's more than just, how do you communicate with your partner and how do you work together? 

[00:25:40] And he does a, she does this they do this, all this kind of stuff, and it really has to start with in yourself. And I think if you're a person listening and you're spouse is the one going through this and wants to go to therapy on their own first. And maybe you're someone who you already know [00:26:00] yourself, so you don't really have to do that much work. 

[00:26:04] I suggest being patient because I think it will pay 10 folds. I think you will see the benefits much quicker and I think you will see much more progress. If you, if you allow them that time to kind of take, take for themselves. Cause my husband had to be patient. I mean the, the whole, and I've said this before being a military wife, being a new wife and then being a military wife was a shock to my system. 

[00:26:37] I did not do well with it at first, but luckily like my husband was patient and. It was, he didn't understand it at first, why it was so hard because you know, that whole thing of you knew what you were getting into, you knew, but you don't, you can't until you experience it. And so if you're listening and your  

[00:26:58] spouse is going through those [00:27:00] changes and is having a hard time with those changes, maybe this is something that, you know, you, you talk about together, but, you know, come from a place of love and caring and and just be patient. 

[00:27:11] And that's all I can really say about that part.  

[00:27:15] Molly: Yeah. And my husband and I have talked about this too, is like, it w there would need to be something massive for us to end up even talking about divorce. We truly think that we can work through anything, but that's because we are both on the same page in terms of we are here for the long haul.  

[00:27:36] We are, we're here to overcome anything together. It would take a lot for us, but we've had that open conversation. We had it prior to even getting married that, Hey, what are your, like end all be alls... Like, what would be hard to overcome? Um, You know, that would lead to a divorce. 

[00:27:54] We had it even prior to getting married. And it's weird talking about divorce before you even married, but I think it's [00:28:00] important to know where that person stands. Well,  

[00:28:02] Erin: what the cheating thing. I mean, we all know that that infidelity is huge. And then like, just in general, I guess, among people, but in the military, it's something you hear about. 

[00:28:13] Because they're separated, but also, do you both agree on what that is on what that, what that infidelity actually is or it doesn't even have to be with that, but anything like, do you all know each other as boundaries? Do you know each other's limits and like what is a deal breaker? 

[00:28:35] Molly: Yeah. You don't want to find that stuff out when it happens, then you're in a, then you're in a Ross and Rachel situation from friends that we were on a break. That's a perfect example of them not being on the same page. They didn't know that where they stood and that ended their relationship at that time. 

[00:28:56] You know, and so that could end your relationship if you don't know. [00:29:00] And you, haven't talked about situations and boundaries that end it right then and there with a potential situation that you could have worked through. 

[00:29:08] Erin: You have to hold true to your boundaries as well. 

[00:29:12] I, and this was something I, I talked with someone about recently they set a boundary, the boundary was crossed. They didn't do anything. They said it again, the boundaries crossed again. They said it again, boundaries crossed again and, and, and they never changed their reaction with this person. And I said to them, one day, I said, how can they respect your boundaries if you don't live up to that boundary in like what the repercussion is like, I'm not going to participate in this relationship anymore if you keep doing it. But then you keep participating in that relationship in the same exact way. How are they supposed to believe you? How are they supposed to believe your boundary if you don't even recognize your own boundary [00:30:00] and stick to it? 

[00:30:02] Molly: Yeah, no, absolutely. Absolutely.  

[00:30:06] Erin: One more thing that I want to say is that I saw this on Tik TOK actually yesterday, this woman was talking about her therapist saying that what if the moments in the beginning are the actual truth and what she means is what if those like little quirks that the other person did that you thought were funny or charming that you now find like super annoying, like your brains lying to you now? 

[00:30:36] Like what if those moments in the beginning were the truth and just over time we're not in touch with that anymore. What if the excitement that used to have when you'd see this person for the first time or the warmth that you felt for the first time is still there, but you know, our brains can play tricks on us [00:31:00] sometimes. 

[00:31:00] And like, we get used to that trickery and what it's saying in our heads, and maybe we have to sit back and really look at ourselves, like, why did we do this in the first place? Why aren't we, yeah. Why? Why? Like, like, I love that my husband plays guitar. And there was a period where it was starting to annoy me for some reason. 

[00:31:26] Sorry, honey, for your listening. I don't know why. I think like, I don't know. I think it was just because it was something within me. Like I was stressed out all the time and I needed a break and like all these things, but like, I didn't communicate that. I didn't do anything to help myself with the things that I needed. 

[00:31:44] And so something that I loved about him that he was doing was irritating me. And I'm like, this is half the reason why I was charmed by him in the first place. I should be so happy that my house is filled with [00:32:00] music. And I am happy that my house was filled with music and with his voice while he plays like, other things happen and your brain projects it to something else that your partner is doing. So then it's not your fault anymore. It's not your responsibility anymore. It's theirs. Yeah.  

[00:32:21] Molly: Yeah. And that's that again, brings us back to that first tip is he's not playing the guitar to tick you off, you know, it's not,  

[00:32:32] yeah. 
 

[00:32:33] He's not,  

[00:32:34] Erin's working. I'm going to play guitar right now because that'll really upset her, you know, you know, like saying it like that in your head too is really, really helpful because then you can kind of be like, wow, that's really stupid. Or that doesn't even make sense. It's it's again, it's intercepting that negative self-talk or that negative thoughts that comes through your mind and [00:33:00] resetting it, just be like, Nope. 

[00:33:02] Erin: And that reminds me, that reminds me of another tick-tock of this girl reading this book. I think it was about Buddhism, but she said, when something intrudes your brain that's negative, say out loud" thought thought" and that registers to your mind that something is invading, like, okay, say there's a fire there. You're gonna yell "fire fire" to alert everyone that something dangerous is there that "shouldn't be there. If we did that with our own. If we acknowledge them and say, thought, thought like, Hey, then you're able to acknowledge that it intrusive. 

[00:33:44] It is not there to benefit you. And how do you change it? How do you push that little villain out?  

[00:33:56] Molly: Oh, I'm going to try that because I'm one of those people that [00:34:00] has a running conversation with myself in my head. And yeah, and that coupled with the anxiety is so hard, especially when you're trying to sleep or just a random thought comes across your mind. 

[00:34:14] Like those intrusive thoughts that have no place in being there that don't even make sense. I'm going to try that, that all my actually work.  

[00:34:23] Erin: Yeah. And ultimately, I would say to anyone out there who's having marriage troubles is. Recognize that you're having an issue, but then be hopeful that it can get better. 

[00:34:36] I mean, if you've tried and tried and try, that's a whole nother story. If it just isn't working, it just isn't working and you're done. But if you want to work on it, if you want your marriage to work, you know, be gentle and say that it's rough right now, but that doesn't have to be forever. That doesn't have to be the way that it is all the time. 

[00:34:57] But if you just ignore it, [00:35:00] you don't address it. You don't talk about it. You don't like also say it's okay that we're having a hard time. Like you can't be perfect too much pressure.  

[00:35:14] Molly: Yeah. And that comparing to, oh, we could do a whole thing on comparing, but that can be, that can be damaging as well to marriages is comparing it to another person's marriage. 

[00:35:26] Even your parents' marriage, you know, every marriage is different. Every obstacle is different and how you overcome that obstacle is also going to be different. So it really, it's just, you gotta stay focused on you and your spouse or partner or, you know, whatever, you don't even have to be married for any of these tips. 

[00:35:48] Yeah. And you can just be with someone. 

[00:35:51] Erin: This could work platonically too. Like just your friendships with other people. I mean, or your family, like your brothers, sisters, cousins, mom, [00:36:00] dad, whoever. I mean, this, this is just good way to kind of approach anything, but again, like some of these tips may not work for you and that's okay. 

[00:36:07] Send us in your tips. If you've got some, some stories or some advice. I mean, I've only been married for three years, so my goodness, I am still learning. And I guess that's why this topic is important to me is because I'm still learning how to be a good spouse and how to have a good marriage. And it's something I think you actively have to work on, but man, if you've been married for a couple of decades, like definitely send us in something that you've learned and some advice. 

[00:36:36] if you go to our website linked in our show notes, there is a contact form that directly goes to our inbox. We would love to read any of y'all's thoughts on air and like, kinda talk about it because it's an evolving process. 

[00:36:52] I think, I think we just learn things as, as we go through life. I mean, Molly, you've been married a lot longer than I have, so it's [00:37:00] awesome to hear your take on everything.  

[00:37:02] Molly: Yeah. I was actually just talking to my friends. I'm the only one of my friends that's married right now. And, and I, and they asked me how long I was, I've been married for. 

[00:37:11] And I was like seven years next month. And they were just like, whoa, my gosh. They're like, when you, when we get married, you're going to be like a whole decade. Like we're coming to you for tips because you're going to be like a whole decade ahead of us at that point. But no it's, it doesn't feel like that long, but yeah, we definitely have learned a thing or two military and just being, you know, civilian as well. 

[00:37:38] But yeah, I'd love to, if you have any questions for me, if you have any additional tips. Yeah. I think marriage is something that you could always work on, whether you're freshly married in your honeymoon stage, or you've been married, like Erin said for decades. We'd love to hear, I'd love to hear from you. 

[00:37:55] Erin: Yeah, absolutely.  

[00:37:57] We hope that this episode brings you a little bit of [00:38:00] hope. If you're in that kind of dark space and just be kind to yourself . 

[00:38:07] And with that being said from our house to yours, have a great day.  

[00:38:12] Molly: Bye everyone.  

[00:38:13] Erin: Bye. 
 

[00:38:14]  
 

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