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MilSpouse House
MilSpouse House
Does A Divorced Military Spouse Get Benefits? UPDATED!
Divorce is never a fun topic and getting divorced in the military can seem scary. We are here today to give you the facts. Whether your spouse is still in the military or a retired veteran... what are your rights as the military (ex)spouse?
Do you get to keep your military ID if you are separated?
What about BAH?
Are you allowed to get divorced if your spouse is deployed?
Are you entitled to their pension?
We have the answers for you...and you may be surprised at the truth.
***Listeners, we have added a section to this episode called the 20/20/15 Rule at the 11:30 timestamp shown in our chapters as well as updated information on if you are eligible to receive a portion of your former spouse's pension under the chapter Uniformed Services Former Spouse Protection Act at timestamp 18:36!***
Check out this awesome blog!
Is a Divorced Spouse Entitled to VA Disability Benefits?
Military Once Source articles mentioned in today's episode:
Non-medical family counseling
7 counseling options for service members and their families
Love everyday app
Taking care of yourself during times of stress and grief
Rebuild after a breakup
Dealing with divorce in the military
Additional Materials
Military Benefits for Former Spouses: Legislation and Policy Issues Updated May 20, 2021
Emails us at milspousehouse@vaclaimsinsider.com or go to our website to fill out our contact form! We look forward to hearing from you!
Do you know a veteran who is struggling to win their VA disability claim? Help your service member and check out VA Claims Insider! Schedule your FREE 30-minute, no-obligation Discovery Call with a team member! Click here now!!
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[00:00:00] Speaker: If you are a veteran and have filed a VA disability claim and have been denied, have received a low rating, or you're unsure how to get started. Reach out to us, go to vacifree30.com, linked in our show notes and take advantage of a free VA claim discovery. Call learn what you've been missing so you can finally get the disability rating and compensation you deserve.
[00:00:31] Erin: Welcome again, MilSpouses. Thank you for joining us for another episode of MilSpouse House. So, Molly and I talked last week about our little tips of marriage advice and some things that we have worked on, are working on, some observations that we have made. And I thought continue the conversation a little bit. Not only do I want to give you guys some resources that [00:01:00] if you just aren't finding what you're looking for, or maybe our tips really didn't land or you've tried what we talked about and it just hasn't worked.
[00:01:08] I would love for you to just poke around on militaryonesource.mil, because there's so many resources, so many articles that website has for us, military spouses. I mean, it's not just a website. It is a resource for military families. It's the place that everyone goes to. So I talked about being a part of the subreddits and Facebook groups.
[00:01:38] And we always direct anyone struggling with relationships or their own mental health that are part of the military community. We try to direct them to military one source because they're going to connect you with professionals. As a military spouse or military dependent you have access [00:02:00] to nonmedical counseling if you want for free
[00:02:04] and it's completely confidential, unless I believe they're only supposed to report things if you're going to harm yourself or harm others if they feel like you're in danger, but anything personal communication, relational issue. You can talk to them and they can help you out.
[00:02:23] And so I just wanted to touch on that a little bit before we dive into today's topic, that way you exhaust all your resources. You know all your options and you know that there is help out there. So don't worry. I'm going to link all of these resources, all the articles that I've looked at in our show notes and just take some time to poke around.
[00:02:49] Actually yesterday, there is a like app you can download. Let me, let me see what it's called again.
[00:02:58] Molly: There's an app for [00:03:00] everything these days,
[00:03:02] literally.
[00:03:04] Erin: Okay. So on military one source, in one of the sections about relationships. It suggests this new app that they have, and it's called love every day.
[00:03:16] And it's for you and your spouse. And you're supposed to get a text message from them every day. And I believe it's just a question and it's kind of a conversation starter, or maybe trying to learn a little bit more about your spouse. Cause Molly, I remember you saying last week that it was so nice that you had a discussion with your husband that wasn't related to work or wasn't related to like finance or the kids or anything.
[00:03:45] It was just a discussion between you and your husband about your. Thoughts about things outside of. Yeah. Yeah. And so I kind of feel like this is probably along those same lines. It's for 21 [00:04:00] days, and they'll send you a text a day that is a question. So I'm gonna do it with my husband and I'm going to update you guys on how that's going.
[00:04:07] And I'm really looking forward to the questions cause who knows, it might be something that we can talk about on here and they might bring up some good points.
[00:04:19] Molly: I'll do it. And then we'll, we'll reconvene and let you know how, you know, we'll test it out and see if it's good. We'll let you guys know. We'll be the test dummies.
[00:04:29] Erin: Yeah, absolutely. So moving forward with our conversation, this episode is for when you've exhausted all of your options.
[00:04:41] When it just is best for you, your spouse, your kids too, and your marriage and divorce. And this is not a fun topic by any means, but I think it's important to know where to find [00:05:00] information, where to find, how do you start the divorce process in the military, because it is a little bit different than regular civilian divorce.
[00:05:10] Like the service member has rights. You have rights and there's more factors involved in the process. And as we've spoken before, divorce is something that is more common in the military then our civilian counterparts and often it happens after a long deployment.
[00:05:32] And so that's why I wanted to give these resources in the beginning, because a lot of the time it's hard to reconnect after such a long period away from each other. You've changed. They've changed. And you've kind of gotten used to a dynamic for however many months or even, I mean, it could go year, two years, however, and when you reconnect it can [00:06:00] disturb that consistency, which can cause rifts in a marriage.
[00:06:05] But if you've exhausted all your options, then this is the episode for you.
[00:06:11] So, first things first, you can seek free legal advice through your installations, legal assistance office. They do not represent you. They are strictly for legal advice. So this can be for divorce and child custody could be for income tax considerations.
[00:06:33] It could be for wills. It could be to understand the service members civil relief act. My husband and I actually sought some legal advice for something that doesn't pertain to divorce. It was so helpful to just hear somebody explain to us the law, what we were entitled to, what steps we needed to [00:07:00] take if this or that happened.
[00:07:03] And it made me feel a lot better that we had that free resource and could talk to somebody in person.
[00:07:09] Molly: An expert in their fields, you know. If your toilet broke you wouldn't go and, well, I wouldn't try and fix myself. I would just call a plumber and have him or her come in and check it out.
[00:07:22] So it's, it's the same thing. I feel like it, it, again, it gets that stigma, because you're going to see a legal representative, you know? But don't let, don't let that the legal part of it scare you. It is still free and they are still experts in their field and they can absolutely, help you and guide you in the right direction.
[00:07:41] Erin: Yeah, and going to seek legal assistance and information that doesn't mean that you are automatically divorced. You know, this isn't a decision that you have to make in that exact moment. This is a process.
[00:07:56] At any point, you might reconcile. You might decide that it's not [00:08:00] right for you. And it is confidential, which I think is important to know. If you just want to go on your own, understand what the process looks like, what you're entitled to you have that resource.
[00:08:15] So going into a little bit of the service members civil relief act, this helps legal rights of service members on active duty. So they are protected in certain situations. So say that your service members deployed and you filed for divorce or child custody. They're not going to be penalized if they have to miss a court date because they're deployed or they're on training or they're away for something that pertains to their military work.
[00:08:47] Civil court or administrative proceedings may be extended if they're unable to show for whatever their duty reasons are, whatever work-related issue that [00:09:00] they have that conflicts with that. You are entitled to private communication to help you understand your rights with child custody.
[00:09:08] And something else important to note here under that relief act is to avoid conflicts of interest the attorney can only offer guidance to either the service member or the spouse.
[00:09:20] The law allows service members and their spouses to file for divorce in either the state where the service member is currently stationed, the state where they claim legal residency or the state in which the non-military spouse resides. So as we all do move around all the time, every, probably every two years, I feel like is the most common number. If you are residing in a state that is not your legal residency because of a PCs, then you can still file in that state.
[00:09:56] So as a divorce spouse, [00:10:00] you also have rights. So former spouses who don't marry, they can receive medical benefits, commissary benefits, exchange, benefits, anything that's on your military installation under the morale welfare and recreation program, but you have to meet the requirements and it's called the 20, 20, 20 rule.
[00:10:27] So here are the stipulations of like requirements. So the former spouse was married to the military member for at least 20 years at the time of their divorce or dissolution or anullment the military member has performed at least 20 years of service. They don't have to be retired yet, but they had to have had 20 years of service. The former spouse was married to the member [00:11:00] during at least 20 years of the member's retirement credible service. So that is I feel like this is a very small group of people.
[00:11:11] So, but Hey, if you're listening and you meet those requirements, Definitely take advantage of the resources that you still have, because I mean, you did spend 20 years in the community and putting a lot of things on hold for your service member to support your service member.
[00:11:29] So if you don't meet any of those, then you do have to return your military ID. Once you're divorced.
[00:11:36] Molly: I feel like this is important to note too. Even if it doesn't apply to you right now, knowing it just in case you are in a bad situation and you feel stuck and you're like, well, you know, I know a lot of people, you know, they try and plan ahead and they're just like, okay, this isn't working, but would it be easier or better for myself and my family, if we stayed married, [00:12:00] unhappily, married together because of, you know, reason, ABC and D.
[00:12:05] So knowing this and knowing what you could be eligible for. It might help because if divorce is the right decision for you and your family, you know, knowing these ahead of time will kind of help in that transition period, maybe knowing that you still have rights, you know, if you meet the criteria you know, this shouldn't be, I'm hoping that this is like good information just in case you're on the fence.
[00:12:35] Like I'm unhappy, but were stuck. You know, that's never a good or healthy place to, to be in.
[00:12:42] Erin: Yeah. I think it's also good to make reality of what your life would be like to, if, if that is the route that you, that you take, you know, really contemplate, like if this is what you want your life to be like.
[00:12:58] And I also think it's important to [00:13:00] know all of this in case, you know, somebody who is going through divorce. Or should go through divorce because ultimately we are a family in the military community, whether we know each other or not, I love being a part of these groups where everyone can ask questions and ask advice and it does get really personal and everyone wants to be so supportive.
[00:13:27] And so if you have someone that is in a situation, whether it be the military spouse or the service member, And they're in a situation that divorce is ultimately what's best. Then you are armed with information that they may not know, and you can assist them in this process because they're going to need a support system.
[00:13:46] They're going to need you to be their friend and their confidant and help them stay balanced through this process and level headed and [00:14:00] understand what's actually going to happen because I think also a lot of times, you know, in situations of divorce or separation, or even just through marriage troubles, the heightened emotion can fog your brain.
[00:14:14] It can fog your decision-making. And so if you're someone who isn't going through this, but know somebody , who is keep listening because you never know what little bit of information they might need that you now have.
[00:14:29] I want to touch on abandoned spouse rights. So I think this one was the most fascinating part of my research.
[00:14:40] The military benefits you're entitled to as a spouse when you are abandoned by your service member. So maybe divorce hasn't happened yet, but they have left the home or they don't want a relationship anymore, but you're not yet exactly [00:15:00] in that divorce, that divorce hasn't been finalized.
[00:15:03] You still are entitled to a portion of their housing allowance. These measures are meant to be temporary.
[00:15:11] They're meant to not be permanent, but they're meant to help the spouse who probably abandoned their career and had to move, has family and kids that they need to take care of. And the military understands that during this period of time, what's important is making sure the military family is taking care of.
[00:15:39] So, if you've been abandoned by your spouse, who is a service member, they cannot take your military idea way while you all are still married. You still have access, you still have privileges and they just legally aren't allowed to take it away.
[00:15:57] You're still entitled to your medical [00:16:00] benefits even if you're astranged for as long as you stay married. So you, your kids, you still can get the care that you need. You still are entitled to installation support services. So access to the childcare facilities, counseling services, that nonmedical counseling that we talked about, or even medical counseling you know, there are psychiatric doctors and all kinds of medical professionals, your dental, your eyecare, all of that. And chain of command. So you have access to your service members, chain of command. If you need to find your spouse or receive any of this support from your spouse, like receiving the BAH I would ultimately leave that as a last resort.
[00:16:50] That's just like a personal feeling of mine. If you all can reconcile and, and do kind of break down what needs to be done in nonmedical counseling, or [00:17:00] with each other or with the help of an attorney. But but you, but you do have access to chain of command if, if say they just like up and disappeared or, or took your military ID card or anything like that.
[00:17:12] I think it's also important to note that when you divorce and your spouse is a veteran, you do not have access to their VA disability. So whatever they're receiving from the VA for their disability, you're not entitled to that. I will not be included in, you know, whatever finances you guys split up.
[00:17:39] And in order to receive some of your service members retirement, you have to be married for at least 10 years of your service members service. So say if they serve 20 years, as long as you were [00:18:00] married for 10 of those years, You're entitled to some of their retirement pay. If you were married for nine, Nope.
[00:18:07] Say if they served 20 years where you were only married for seven years, you're not entitled to any of that pension. Yeah.
[00:18:14] So really that's a lot of the just straightforward facts. I'm going to link all of the resources that, that we have used. A lot of it was from military one source and I'm gonna put down all those articles in our show notes, but I also want to touch on just how important I think it is to, if you don't have a support system.
[00:18:38] Sign up for these Facebook groups. If you're on Facebook, I'm going to add the two groups that I'm involved with in our show notes and just get some advice from other people. Or you can get a lot of advice just by reading other people's stories and kind of hear what they're going through. And most importantly, you realize that you're not alone.
[00:18:59] [00:19:00] Lots of families struggle, marriage is hard, raising a family is hard, being in the military is hard ,being a dependent of someone who serves in the military is hard. And I think it's just, even if you are say like me in another country and you really don't know anyone. Being a part of those online groups are really helpful.
[00:19:27] And sometimes you mean you can be anonymous and ask your questions in those groups. This way you start to get comfortable with the reality of your situation and acknowledging the truth of your situation. By not acknowledging it or talking about it, you're bottling up all those emotions and then you're not able to react or take action in a level-headed manner.
[00:19:52] And I would also recommend if you have kids utilizing the nonmedical counseling for your [00:20:00] children This is a big family shift and dynamic. And it's important for your kids to have somebody to talk about it with that isn't mom or dad or mom and mom and dad or whoever. I
[00:20:16] Molly: actually just listened to a podcast about childhood mental health and how they show it so differently in so many different age groups, you know, and younger, it might be behavior that they, that's not normal for them.
[00:20:29] And, but they just don't know how to handle it. So it comes out in such different ways. And so yeah, having that person to talk to that safe person that isn't, you know, a mom or dad, that's a little bit outside of the situation. But then also has that experience in working with children that are going through, you know, their parents are going through divorce or, you know, military kids they kind of pose their own set of struggles sometimes with one [00:21:00] parent being so far away.
[00:21:02] And then all of that. So it's always a good idea. And there are people that are specifically trained in childhood or pediatric mental health. So definitely reach out and know that those are available for your kids at every age.
[00:21:17] Erin: And I also think it's important for you to go through counseling during these situations, even if it's just a practice how does like tell your family how to tell your friends? I think that's probably one of the most intimidating parts of going through such a big change, like any really life change, but especially something that is maybe centered around sadness or grief, or just has this like negative connotation with it. How do you tell your family?
[00:21:53] So it's not only how do you tell your kids or how do you tell your spouse, but how do you tell those other important [00:22:00] people around you who've been used to you being together for however amount of time. And I think if you can practice those conversations, you'll be able to enter those with confidence and you'll have more confidence in you being in this new, normal, and, and on this new journey for yourself.
[00:22:20] So, yeah, I think with that being said, if you all have questions or experiences or stories that you, you want to share with us, or you want to share with our listeners that you think might be helpful, please reach out to . Us. Our website is linked in our show notes. We have a contact form that you can submit and the email goes straight to our inbox, or you can email us at milspousehouse@vaclaimsinsinsider.com. We'd love to hear from you check out those resources below. Check out your options because you do have options. It's not a one size fits all kind of answer for [00:23:00] any, any situation revolving marriage and family.
[00:23:03] So tailor it to you.
[00:23:05] Well, from our house, yours have a great day.
[00:23:07] Molly: Bye
[00:23:08] Erin: bye.
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