The hashtag #eldestdaughtersyndrome is reported to have had a whopping 24.7 million views on TikTok, and counting, but what is it and why is it getting so much attention?
We look at the issues faced by the eldest sibling in the family, then talk more specifically about why daughters can feel resentful of the role that's foisted on them. It's easily done by us parents, particularly if we live in a patriarchal society.
The expectation that they will do more of the emotional and domestic heavy-lifting in the family than the other siblings can teach them great life-skills, even make them successful in the workplace, but it can also make them resentful at missing out on the benefits of childhood.
In this episode we talk about how we spot it and what can we do to rebalance what might be happening in our family.
THE EXCELLENT BOOK I MENTIONED:
The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough
USEFUL ARTICLES FROM HOME GIRLS UNITE ON INSTAGRAM:
Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
The hashtag #eldestdaughtersyndrome is reported to have had a whopping 24.7 million views on TikTok, and counting, but what is it and why is it getting so much attention?
We look at the issues faced by the eldest sibling in the family, then talk more specifically about why daughters can feel resentful of the role that's foisted on them. It's easily done by us parents, particularly if we live in a patriarchal society.
The expectation that they will do more of the emotional and domestic heavy-lifting in the family than the other siblings can teach them great life-skills, even make them successful in the workplace, but it can also make them resentful at missing out on the benefits of childhood.
In this episode we talk about how we spot it and what can we do to rebalance what might be happening in our family.
THE EXCELLENT BOOK I MENTIONED:
The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough
USEFUL ARTICLES FROM HOME GIRLS UNITE ON INSTAGRAM:
Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog: www.amindful-life.co.uk
Rachel Richards:
Hello and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hug for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters.
Susie Asli:
Hi there. I'm Susie Asli, mindfulness coach, mindful therapist, musician and mother of three teenagers. Two of them are twins. So, Susie, we've talked before about sibling positions, and the role we play in the family as a result, when we have that was episode eight. So if you really want to kind of delve into it in breath rather than depth, then go to that one. F is like a really long time ago, seven years ago, feels like it.
Rachel Richards:
Now you're a second daughter. Yes, I'm a second daughter, which we discovered in that episode. So we didn't really qualify for this not I still think it's worth us understanding the first child role, because maybe it's going to help us parent our own kids better. Definitely see and understand our sisters better. Right. So it's good for all of us. Let's before we go on, let's have a quick look at our reviews because we've got some lovely reviews. Do you want to give me one? Yeah. So
Susie Asli:
I have one lovely one. I love your podcast. Hi, ladies. I've been listening to you for a year now here in the Philippines. Wow. Really? Amazing. I love your podcasts and have listened to all your episodes. I have two teams and I've been learning a lot from you love lots from Wang thank you so much on Spotify.
Rachel Richards:
Thank you wearing That's brilliant. And I had one that came through on Facebook Sarah Brown. She was about the blog on fearless fearless parenting. So it's not actually the audio. It's I have a blog on my website. And she said I so needed this today. Oh my goodness, I so I'm sitting in a dark, empty lobby of a hotel in Florida emotionally spinning as I wait for my son to come down, and we head out for her race. You are amazing. This isn't the first time your words have saved me. Please never stop sharing your incredible talent, wisdom and honesty. Wow. And this was the blog on fearless parenting. Because I'd been scootering. And I wanted to talk about what it is to be to be able to say, Yeah, you know, it is really hard. But we can do this. Right. Amazing. So nuggets, do you have a nugget?
Susie Asli:
I do is I have a nugget. It's just a funny little, little episode that happened with my daughter that I really loved. And it kind of made me feel like ah, and lots of the things that I like to feel are going on in the home are actually going on. So I like to think that our home is a safe space and you know you can be whatever feeling you need to be in that is completely cool. And so we had fallen I can't even remember what we felt out about. It was something silly probably but we had fallen out and totally disagreed. And then later that evening, she came down into the kitchen and didn't really speak I could tell she was a bit annoyed. Are you are you? You okay? Still a bit? You still annoyed at me? And she went Yes. I'm allowed to be. Anyway. Yeah, absolutely. 100% You are allowed to be a sort of, do you want to talk about it? No. Okay, fair enough. She was rapidly rummaging in the snack cupboard, and she got a snack out and then I'm gonna go in a game with my friends. And they went okay, fine. Enjoy. Have a nice time. Bye, love you. And she went Bye, love you. And if you were just like, oh, wow, we can actually do this we can actually be really, you know, annoyed with each other and still say, you know, of course I can be annoyed design like and I still love you liked her?
Unknown:
Yes. That is just so, so sweet. That we've all been well, we may not all have been there. But I've definitely yeah. And actually, it minds about mothering Sunday, which we celebrated in the UK. This past Sunday. You might be listening to this at a completely different time of year. And it happens at different times in different places. Yes, it does. But I saw something on Twitter by a woman called Joanne Davis who said is it silly selfish of me to be a bit upset that nobody organized for my son to write out a Mother's Day card for me, I never expected my ex to sort one out. But I did think maybe my family or my boyfriend might. And I just wanted to sort of stop and pause for a second over this because this is something I've seen so much over the years. And, and it can cause great dis great upset. And and what I'd want to say is if you would like something if you have an expectation about something like Mother's Day, you need to it there's an element of teaching gratitude at all, but that's kind of our job as parents is to kind of let them know that this is what gratitude feels like and and modeling it obviously is the best way to do it. But it's not always easy to be you need to be explicit. So from when when my kids were really young, I used to say to my husband, right so it's mothering Sunday on Sunday. So I would like a magazine in bed and I want them to bring me a coffee and tell me how much they love me. Amazing You know We'll clear. Yes. You know, the next day, and actually it slowly grew whether it became a thing, so they realized that having Sunday is like this. And my favorite one was one year where they brought me all this kind of jewelry they bought on, you know, Chinese Amazon that would return sort of brown. As soon as I put it on saying, Mommy, we love you. And they gave me my favorite thing in bed, which was herbal tea and a salad for breakfast. And I just looked across, wait, I want the cappuccino. It was really, really sweet. Yeah. So just my point is, if you want something, it's really important. They can't they're not mind reader's, if you say I would really like this to happen, go out and buy me a book or a card or something. And then they don't do it. Well, there's your answer. Okay, maybe they don't care. But if you're not really clear about what you want, and what your expectations are, don't don't think don't don't feel terrible that they don't love you, or they don't care, because maybe they just didn't realize, you
Susie Asli:
know, I think you're absolutely 100% Right. And it sounds like she's also just talking about her ex and, and I've been on my own with my kids for, you know, since they were tiny, tiny. So, you know, there's nobody doing it for you. So it's really important that you're clear. And I always used to do the same as you. Maybe slightly, you know, I would say it in advance, just so you know, it's mother's mothering Sunday, next, next Sunday, because I always thought they would be really upset if they didn't realize, and actually my eldest has, is at uni now. And I had a conversation with the other two who were still homeless, or do you think we should, you know, remind him because not because I need anything from him? I really don't. But I think he'll be really gutted. If he realizes after the event. We discussed it. And my daughter went, Yeah, I'll just text him and remind him and he was like, yeah, no. But thanks for the reminder. Kind of so yeah, it's still applies.
Unknown:
Yes, brilliant. And then we really need to not take, just don't take it personally. But be very clear, be explicit in your communication with other people in your family and the people you love because we owe each other this honesty. Yeah.
Susie Asli:
And it's a gift to them as a gift.
Unknown:
Right, so coming back to the oldest child, right? I will say oldest child, we are going to focus mostly on oldest daughters. And there's a reason for that. But the oldest child, I want to actually talk about the oldest child first, because I think that there are a lot of boys who get it's it is kind of preferential roll in a way, when you get you're the oldest boy, because you are the man of the hat, you know, you feel good about yourself. It's a kind of patriarchal position that you take, traditionally, I guess. And, and I would say my husband's the older son, and he really benefited from it. The problem is that there are a lot of boys who have this role. But then when they become older, and their identity is entirely tied up with being the person who's in charge, who never delegates who, you know, always is looked to to be that person. It's it can be crushing when something goes wrong, and they commit suicide. And I think we really need to be mindful of the even with our sons, that they need to have outlets, and they need to be able to hand down to others. And if they're not handing down, then it's worth, you know, my husband's awful at delegating, and I've fought with him my whole marriage about, by the way, I can do this as well, I can do this, can you hand this to me, and he slowly got much better
Susie Asli:
at it. Maybe it's our expectations, we need to be explicit about what they are. And I think it's a balance between Isn't it because there is a natural sibling position, which we can talk about in that other episodes that they, you know, that actually is just something that happens. So the oldest does have a different roles and the youngest and the ones in between. It's just how it works. But if we have that positioning without awareness, then that's the problem. Exactly. It's not the position. No, it's when we have it without awareness. And I think it's really important because of boys, I totally agree with that. And also in my situation, which we talked about in the other episode as well. boys who are the eldest when there's no dad around, that's, that can feel really different. And and I've seen it many times where we're there, or you're now the man of the house, you got to really step up and, and, you know, depending on how it's done, you know, there's never there's never like a rulebook that we have to follow, but I've seen it that it's too much, it's too much pressure, and they don't know how to do that. So taking that away, and I remember when mine was mine were little though not teenagers, but little and my eldest was I my younger boys, little bit, kind of, he was the one who was always running off, we never knew where he was. And, and I would stress my eldest out, and he'd sort of grab his coat if we were out, you know, and I would, you know, explicitly say to him, this is not your job. I am the parent. I am in charge here you are the child. Oh, I love and, you know, I think we can still continue that vibe was they're older but then allow them to step up as well because he's doing that now in a different way, which is really beautiful.
Unknown:
So you're giving them the chance to practice skills of being in charge and those things, but without feeling they have to
Susie Asli:
Yes, exactly is it about that sibling role with awareness, and then we can choose how we deal with it as it comes up, which it
Unknown:
will and thinking that there are other kids in the family could also benefit from the opportunity to step up. So it's it's a benefit for everybody.
Susie Asli:
Yeah. Because the oldest sometimes that becomes a problem within the sibling dynamic doesn't I'm in charge I get, I get the biggest meatball, I get the biggest chocolate bar, I get to call the shots, I get the car, you know, whatever it is. No, no, no, no.
Unknown:
So the one of the reasons I wanted to actually talk about this was because I shared an article on Instagram about something called eldest daughter syndrome, one of our listeners got in touch to tell me that this had hit hard. She explained that they have an older daughter, who was pretty much a golden child, absolutely perfect, and the youngest son. And the problem was that the older daughter has suddenly started to rebel and show resentment for the role that she felt she had had to play as a result of being female, and the oldest. And these are amazing parents. So it's, it's so easy for this to happen. Yeah. And so it's really important you don't blame yourself for this is just, it happens. So. So let's talk about older daughters and why this is an issue. So as the firstborn daughter these children are often expected to set an example for their younger siblings, taking on more responsibility and acting as role models. Sounds like boys too. But there's a difference because in a patriarchal society, women typically are assigned implicit roles of undertaking disproportionate domestic and emotional labor in the family system. So there's a nuanced difference. And many women are conditioned to be self sacrificing martyrs prioritize centering of the men in the family. And the eldest daughter often takes on that role. So I've been reading an amazingly beautifully written book called The Thornberrys. It's old, there was a TV series here, and my granny used to watch it. It's beautifully written. But in it is a girl called Maggie, who's a little girl. And she's the only female child and the family, particularly the mother are delighted, because now they have someone who can share the female roles, yes. Which was the norm then. And it's all of the housework, including she ends up taking over mothering the three youngest children like the new babies, she now becomes the person who looks after them. So this is an example of how you know when you're living in an economy with a very scarce resources are the women are expected to do all of these roles on their own, they will look to other people to help and if it's a patriarchal society, they'll look to the girl and that's what we're talking about. So in fact, there's on Tik Tok, I don't I'm not on tick tock, are you on tick tock?
Susie Asli:
No, no, I'm not allowed to speak on tick tock.
Unknown:
Oh, that's funny. No, I just don't want to be. But no, I don't want any there's a hashtag eldest daughter syndrome. Guess how many views this hashtag 24 point 7 million views? That is what insane? It's insane. So people are raising awareness about the syndrome, which is great. That is really triggering. Exactly. Instagram has several accounts that talk about this too. And I just want to share some of the quips just to give you an insight into how these, these people feel. The oldest daughter will be like, I'm choosing not to have kids. Due to the fact I've raised my entire family already. Okay. Okay. That's one example. Another one that's these are ones that have got lots and lots of likes. 1000s. Here's another one. Someone says, You're so easy to talk to. And the response is, thanks. I'd be my mother's therapist since I was old enough to speak. Oh, wow. Yeah. Another one. I'll give you two more. Tell me you're the oldest daughter in a South Asian family without telling me you're the oldest daughter in a South Asian family. And unpaid made babysitter therapist. Third Person cook emotional wreck overly matured for her actual age. Ouch. And another one, which made me laugh was she boasted, I'm going to put oldest daughter in a brown household on my resume. Wow. Okay. Because you could do everything. But yeah, after recording this episode, I received a message from Lauren who gave us a vital insight into what it can feel like to be the eldest daughter. Now since I edited it to reflect her feedback and inserted a section where I read out what she says about her own experience. Because, look, I think it's incredibly important and fills in the gaps. You're probably here in what Susie and I could understand about the problem. So let's break down the psychology behind it and how this this happens. So they find themselves doing more domestic labor, given jobs that aren't age appropriate, pulled into arguments between caregivers struggling to let loose and play during the emotional caretaking. These are possible scenarios. We're not saying this always happens. We're just saying these these are the things they're complaining about. So let's take them it can it can be it can feel pressure to maintain that eldest role. You know, you kind of identify as the oldest and then you sort of you don't want your pecking order removed.
Susie Asli:
No, it's probably valuable things that go with it just out of interest at the end those statistics are they where are they mainly from does it say? Or is it just a statistic? Just the 27 billion million? million? Sorry, wrong.
Unknown:
I just did a search on me. It's probably even more now I did a search on which were the Tick Tock hashtags that were most popular on this. Yeah.
Susie Asli:
And that's pretty interesting. Because I'm thinking it's, it's also a cultural thing, isn't it in a really interesting topic, it
Unknown:
is an interesting topic. And, you know, given that I'm not an older daughter, is very interesting. I'm peering over the fence, but I'm learning. So I have an older daughter and I have an older and this is the thing is, I'm looking at her going. So number one heightened sense of responsibility. And this is one of the most prominent oldest child traits. This early responsibility can shape their adult behavior, because they take on more of a parenting role next to their parents, unless the parents push them back a little bit. Because they will often try to parent the younger siblings, and the youngest says that siblings get annoyed like, I'm not You're not my parent. Yes,
Susie Asli:
a status thing as well. As they get more things as they're growing up. The older one gets to do more, and that becomes a pattern.
Unknown:
Yeah, but we also get to experiment on them, and then go, oh, that didn't work. Let's I'll try different. Oh, yeah. No,
Susie Asli:
I wouldn't want to be the eldest. But I can see it might have an older sister, and she definitely takes more responsibility.
Unknown:
Yes. Conservative and rule following behavior. Tic firstborns tend to be more conservative and inclined to follow rules. I'm quite conservative. I like rules. I love rules, in fact, but I think maybe that's because I didn't have enough. My and I think my oldest daughter, definitely, for sure. Okay, more conservative more loves to know what the rules are. And they tend to because they were the only child for a while, they tend to be more likely to adopt the parents values and attitudes, and they can be more cautious to live and more. They have a greater aversion to risk taking. Yeah,
Susie Asli:
my sister has definitely more rule of lighting than I am. But I'm not very rule abiding. So yeah, yeah.
Unknown:
Well, I think I think again, the rule thing, I think the reason I am quite, I like rules is because I felt very unsafe, not having Yeah, and I think it's really it's clinging on to something like where are the rules? It's
Susie Asli:
important within this topic, as in any topic that there are massive variables. And of course, just a pattern, isn't it, of course.
Unknown:
So second, oldest daughters are second only to only children in the level of academic pressure that they can be made to endure. And then they also get a lot of attention, which also really helps them but we have to think about is that they're going to be getting attention that the other ones might miss out on. Okay, so, parent vacation is the word that the psychologists use. And that's where if you've got absent or overwhelmed parents, that older daughter often ends up trying to take that role. But I think boys can do that, too. Yeah, it
Susie Asli:
just means you're sort of maybe your confidence or doing too much, and that that can happen for boys.
Unknown:
And I think the way that girls get more pressure in this direction is if there was conflict between the parents where it's an emotional thing, they want to vent, and they'll talk to the daughter about it, because they kind of see that as the goals role.
Susie Asli:
Yeah, mother, a lot of mothers do that, I think and you have to be really, like, it's really lovely to have a close relationship, isn't it, but you have to, if there are no boundaries in it, and they feel like, quote, you heard of the therapist, that's, that's not good.
Unknown:
No. And they can feel pushed to grow up prematurely. So because they've been more mature, and they've been more connected to their parents, they often can look around at kids their own age, and they don't really feel they can connect so easily because they're more mature. Yeah, lack of emotional expression, difficulty expressing vulnerability, because they want do they think it shows weakness if they are vulnerable, because they're the person who actually looks after the little ones that again, is wrong, that's not their role to because who's going to comfort them? If they feel that position, they can have identity formation challenges. I've seen this in adults where they didn't have an opportunity. And I didn't know necessarily that it was an older daughter, but they didn't necessarily have the opportunity to rebel when they were younger. And they became very rebellious in the middle of their life. And that can also cause problems because they're trying to figure out who they are at a time when it's not as easy to do. Another thing that they've brought up is identity formation challenges. So finding their own path asserting their individuality can be a struggle. I've seen people have a midlife crisis. Because and when I say midlife crisis, I mean like in the 30s because they never really got the chance to rebel and they ended up with that role, but I don't think necessary. I'm
Susie Asli:
older. I'm kind of struggling with this whole topic if I'm going to be completely honest. Because I see it. Yes, I guess it's sibling sibling roles. We know 100% They play a role in our lives, but I didn't know all of these things. They could be explained by other stuff. I mean, it just depends on how the individual parents, parent the individual kid. Yes, yes, there are patterns and yes Are tendencies. But maybe I'm missing the point. I don't quite see what the syndrome and the big drama. I
Unknown:
mean, well, yes. And I and I maybe that's because we don't live in such a strong patriarchal society. So we don't feel the weight of expectation that some of these women will be feeling absolutely, and where they feel utterly confined by their roles. So, you know, if you look at once again, you look at that story that I outlined in Italy, of the woman who had young, actually older men living at home with her who refused to move out and expected her to do everything for her. And you know, when I've spoken to, I was mentioning that story in front of a consultant, and he was Greek. And he went, Oh, yeah, it's the same. And I says, I'm in my culture, you know, if you, the boys expect to hang around the house, and the women look after him. And yeah,
Susie Asli:
that's kind of why I asked where the statistics were from, like, globally, because, I mean, it's a pattern and a tendency that we definitely need to be aware of here. And I'm sure there's lots of people who would sign up to the syndrome partner here as well. I'm not sure that I see it quite as dramatic. Nice to
Unknown:
meet you. And I'm sure I think another place well, I think I think I think becoming aware of it is can be useful if you want to excrete boundaries. And you want to say actually, I don't you know, you're you're putting me in this position, I don't want to be in that position.
Susie Asli:
But I can absolutely see in in other cultures, it would be it would be very different. Yes, it's very difficult to maybe talk about in it from from our culture, but I have empathy for it. Yeah, standing in awareness for and in other places, it maybe looks really different. And I'm a
Unknown:
un delegate for the UK, and I've been watching thank you for their for their for the women's is the women's something rather can't remember. But actually, I was watching the one yesterday, which was about what adolescent girls want. And it's very, it's really marked that like a woman from Marley was talking and, you know, they really, they just want their kids in education as long as possible they want to. And so, you know, we're all feeling these emotions and things, but they're really a big challenge for people in other cultures. And for them to be able to explain why something doesn't feel good, and how they can feel completely confined by a role that's been pushed on them, where they can't achieve their potential. So I can see that actually, really what we're doing is we're talking about something that's not really a big problem, I will say here, but it is for sure, yes, in a lot of cultures that we will be we are getting downloaded in 100 countries. So there will be people in those countries who will really identify
Susie Asli:
that hashtag is definitely obviously resonating. And it would be very interesting to see where is it resonating? Most?
Rachel Richards:
Yes, yes, that would be interesting. Tell us if you are from a country where you've seen this a lot. Tell us we'd love to know, we asked and I mentioned earlier that listener Lauren has been kind enough to share her own really painful experience. So here it is. I was the eldest of four children in rural Australia during the 1980s and 90s. My siblings were five, seven and nine years older than me, meaning I was changing nappies and giving bottles and supervising my siblings. since before I was six until I left home, I was often left in sole charge of three kids from the age of about nine. When my parents were working on the farm. The supervision, expectations increased as my siblings became older, and then I had to navigate puberty with little kids always around me and no privacy. I also had to hear all the arguments of my parents over money and relationship tensions dealing with adult problems. before I was even a teen. I resented the extra responsibilities put upon me under the guise of being the older responsible one, everyone thought I should be proud. I resented my role of looking after siblings so much, I did not want children of my own. I did eventually become a parent in my mid 30s. But not before I'd had time to pursue my own interests and travel. I was still apprehensive about parenting, and I'm doing it much differently to my own parents, and do not expect adult responsibilities of my children. Even now, in my 40s. I have arguments with my siblings as they think I'm being dramatic about how much I hated my childhood. They don't have the perspective I do, as they were little kids and only recall the better times when they were old enough to remember. Thank you so much for this, Lauren. It sounds so painful, and underlines how much our viewpoints can differ depending on our own position in the family. I suspect we all need to get better at listening to and acknowledging each other's feelings, rather than denying them so if you're a parent, can you what can you do delegate responsibilities to other people in the family don't just assume that because it's this job, it should be the oldest or because I've seen it where you've got kids who are growing up and they're used to handing the job to number one. And it becomes just a habit where actually number 234 whatever could easily do the job. And we just have to stop ourselves sometimes and say actually, you know, I you know, we as a team, we need to do this get this done. You know, how about you do it and accepting they're going to do it badly to start because it has, it's not the job that they've always done, but maybe they would benefit from doing
Susie Asli:
that job. And maybe we also have to take a step back and look at our own that how we see our own kids, because I'm just sitting here thinking, I know for sure that I have treated my kids differently, even though in the moment I will swear the other way. But I think I see them differently. Like, just because they are different, you know, they were born at different times. And one is older, one is younger, and then it was his twins. And maybe we need to step back, and how am I actually seeing my children? And what am I contributing here, and it's only when we have that awareness that we can actually realize what we're doing? Yeah, it's a really good point, because I know for sure, I've expected more of my eldest, mine have traveled abroad, since they were really little to visit their dad in another country. And I remember thinking, Oh, my goodness, the younger are now doing it on their own. And it felt like, oh, my gosh, they're much younger. And then I look back at my the dates and realize that actually, my eldest had done it a year younger than them. And it was really thought provoking. Yeah, you see them differently. And that's really important part of the puzzle, I think.
Unknown:
And I think it's also in terms of just bringing them on and teaching them skills. If we're not conscious of it, what we do is we risk the younger ones not getting to practice that they need to be in order to be to be a grown up a fully fledged adult. So it's about sharing it out a bit, as well as taking some of the pressure off the person who's the oldest in the
Susie Asli:
band, we have to have awareness that we're doing it in the first place to do and to be able
Unknown:
to say to them, it's not that I don't think you can do it, because I know you can do it, I'm just gonna give it to somebody else change. Yeah. And I think allowing them actually being conscious with them and saying, you need your own hobbies and activities. So if they're doing an awful lot around the house, that can be really helpful, but have a step back and think, are they doing everything, and the other kids are getting the activities and hobbies because this, you know, me can work both ways. Because you look at some kids who the younger one has to follow the older one around doing all their sports, and they just sit there in the background. By
Susie Asli:
the time you've got the third one, you can't take them. It's too much. They have to either do football
Unknown:
or there's the garden. Yeah, so in a way, it's about making sure that you know, everybody's getting a chance to find something a way of self expressing whether it's art or music or anything that they you know, am I allowing them to develop their own persona rather than expecting them to be mommy number two, yes, or doing what the others have done, because it's easier for us. And if I feel that I'm leaning on them a lot, because I really need it because I'm a, you know, my husband's just died, or my family have just been abusing me, whatever it is, that's really, really difficult. It's about saying, Okay, I need my own support networks, I need something outside the family that's going to be helping me rather than my child. Yeah, or their job
Susie Asli:
and having a conversation with them. And I'm sure they're in some places that where the need is really acute. And maybe they don't have assistants, and they don't have family around them and maybe lots of children. And it's really a natural thing to ask the older daughter to step up and do some of you know, the chores or the childcare or whatever, to maybe have a conversation with the with the particular girl and explain what's going on and, and how can they also get some balance within it. You know, what can? Where can they slack off a bit and give them a bit of a break so that they're aware of it? Yes,
Unknown:
absolutely. And finally, practicing mindfulness and self reflection. Well, that's always a diary. You know, my oldest daughter, she just she writes a diary every day and she said, it's been so helpful because it helps her to unpick when she's got a bit tangled up in what she's thinking about something. She's just she's writing things down, and she can look back and go, Oh, I was thinking that then well, actually, it's the same now or it's different than journaling.
Susie Asli:
diarrheagenic is really helpful. Yeah. Brilliant mindfulness, I will always advocate for that. voice
Unknown:
notes, things where you just, you know, keeping some kind of an outlet of some sort, or just a chance to just stop.
Susie Asli:
Because there are some really beautiful skills you get from being the oldest 100% Like I sometimes look at my sister and go, oh, like she seems to way more competent than I am. And I always revert into being little sister incompetent. Yes. Just as like, oh, wow, I want to be her.
Unknown:
And I love that because actually, I wouldn't want to be the oldest. But that's because I'm not the oldest. So I don't know really what it feels like it doesn't look that appealing. And I think it has helped me think about my system more. And I think you I was resentful that I was left to grow up without really feeling part of something that was my because my sister is much older than me. So they sort of speak we're a club and I was this little runt that had come along and kind of looking at me going oh my god, we can't do this. Can we did this so long? Nearly five years. Okay. And yeah, and I think it can be kind of a catch to what you're doing on teenagers For God's sake, you know, so I can understand, I totally understand that. But actually, it allowed me to step outside the family dynamic, because I was away from that, where she was stuck in it. So you can say that it gives you these amazing skills of leadership, a sense of power, you know, that you can do things and you can look at others and go, Well, you can't really do it, you can see that you can do things other people can't. So it can give you a real sense of I own this, but it can also get you trapped in something you can't step away from.
Susie Asli:
Yeah, it depends on the particular family, doesn't it? It'll be good to have an awareness.
Unknown:
Yes. So it's definitely helped me to understand my family better. Right. If you liked it, don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss anything. share this episode with one person who might benefit and we would love love, love a review would Yes, please. We love these reviews. And if you have any thoughts or ideas on this, if you've really been affected by Yeah. syndrome, you have read I really love to hear hear. It's really, really interesting, because we please have people from countries where you know, wanting to even in the Philippines, you're listening. Yeah.
Susie Asli:
I mean, it's clearly resonating massively. I mean, we really were really, really interesting to get feedback on this topic.
Unknown:
Yes. Thank you. So you can email us at teenagers untangled@gmail.com message us on social media want everything except it clock. And oh, I don't I don't I don't need another thing. The website you can sign up to the newsletter is www.teenagersuntangled.com. My blogs on there, too. Susie is doing some amazing work in lots of spaces, like businesses and things. But there's also something called the nest six. Yes. Which came from there today.
Susie Asli:
Did had we had a client there who is still there right now, actually. So it's a retreat place locally. A really, really beautiful space run by a friend who has a who had an Airbnb sort of shepherds hut. And women can come they're sort of solo retreats. And it's a bespoke retreats. It's a beautiful, it's in the middle of the woods. And I come and do mindful therapy and we go for walks in the word that's forest bathing massage. Moya makes amazing food. It's just an it's a nest, it's a retreat is absolutely beautiful face and you can come and he'll take time, whatever you need to do. Yeah, I highly, highly recommend you the lady staying there at the moment is, is lovely. She's grieving. And so it's a really beautiful space for her to be at. Yeah,
Rachel Richards:
how amazing to be able to have that.
Susie Asli:
It's really beautiful. And we have a place in Cornwall as well. So
Unknown:
you can find them on Instagram, you can find Suzy as well, which remind you if you
Susie Asli:
go to my website, you'll find all my links there which is www dot a mindful hyphen. life.co.uk
Rachel Richards:
Yeah, I mean, that's right by these ancient woodlands which are incredible.
Susie Asli:
So very soon there will be full of bleep.
Unknown:
I know. I know. I mean, ranging a lunch for my ladies, my friends to come over and walk through
