Hermes was a Greek god able to move quickly and freely between the worlds of the mortal and the divine, helped by his winged sandals. We mere mortals, on the other hand, are stuck here on Earth, and more likely to associate the word, Hermes with expensive handbags.
When a listener wrote a beautiful email talking about her struggles with a young daughter who has been begging for one of these extremely expensive Hermes bags for her birthday I thought it would be a great topic for discussion.
The problems our listener faces trouble so many of usthe various issues in the hope of supporting the listener and helping others along the way; after all, we're a community here to help each other.
TOPICS COVERED:
Parenting styles
Desire for posessions as a way to feel included
The importance of values
Celebrating our own culture
The impact of society on our desires and choices
BOOK SUGGESTION: Hold on to Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate
Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
Hermes was a Greek god able to move quickly and freely between the worlds of the mortal and the divine, helped by his winged sandals. We mere mortals, on the other hand, are stuck here on Earth, and more likely to associate the word, Hermes with expensive handbags.
When a listener wrote a beautiful email talking about her struggles with a young daughter who has been begging for one of these extremely expensive Hermes bags for her birthday I thought it would be a great topic for discussion.
The problems our listener faces trouble so many of usthe various issues in the hope of supporting the listener and helping others along the way; after all, we're a community here to help each other.
TOPICS COVERED:
Parenting styles
Desire for posessions as a way to feel included
The importance of values
Celebrating our own culture
The impact of society on our desires and choices
BOOK SUGGESTION: Hold on to Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate
Neither of us has medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog: www.amindful-life.co.uk
Rachel Richards:
Hello, and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hub for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters.
Susie Asli:
Hi there, I'm Susie Asli, mindfulness coach, mindful therapist, musician, a mother of three teenagers, two of them.
Rachel Richards:
Now I get a lot of emails, and a recent one had a massive impact on me because the mom is so lovely. And she's a professional, she's working so hard. But she was also very vulnerable in it and covered so many of the things that we parents struggle with. And with her permission, we're going to talk about it in this episode. So thank you, I won't name her. And I'm going to try and keep any sort of identifying detail out of it on the top of females, because it's just me managing them, I'm always going to prioritize the ones from listeners, because that's basically all I really care about if I'm honest, but I do get people pitching guests, and sometimes it's something that I'm really interested in. So I say yes, mostly, I don't have time to deal with them. One woman has contacted me repeatedly to ask if I'd like to talk on the show about vaginal gymnastic. Oh, would you like to be an avid listener? I not really convinced that she's listened to this podcast was I'm not sure how she thinks that's gonna fit in with our material. But since you do, listen, thank you so much for reaching out. But I don't think it's really one for this show. What
Susie Asli:
do you think? No. I mean, I think we should keep an open mind. I don't know a lot about vaginal gymnastic. So maybe you can
Rachel Richards:
even go into the words that she uses. But just maybe just completely, like subscriber only just listen to different podcasts. We could just do a podcast. Yeah,
Susie Asli:
maybe maybe it's not appropriate. It's so funny.
Rachel Richards:
Now I just wanted to mention, before we go on to this email, in the interview I did with the young adult mentor, Kane Ray boom, he has on something that I think is really important for us to understand with our teens. And he mentioned the acronym FOMO, which is a fear of messing up. And he says this comes up all the time with is young adults who are failing to launch you're struggling. I've definitely seen that a lot. The fear of messing up stops our teenagers from trying things. Because if they don't try it, then they can't mess up. And I think if you've got a teenager who doesn't want to do certain sports, who doesn't? He just isn't engaging behind that very often is a real fear of being shamed. Yeah. And not being good enough. Because then if you don't try, then you can say, well, you know, I just didn't want to do it. Yeah. So just that empathy and that understanding that that's a major thing for teenagers. Yeah,
Susie Asli:
because we've assessed from when they're tiny as being good at stuff. Yes, like you have to be good or weak, or you're good at that you're good at that do something you're good at and they think they have to be good at it and they can't not be good at it.
Rachel Richards:
But also they're surrounded, you look at Instagram, okay, I'm going to start playing the guitar, you go on Instagram, or you go on Tik Tok, or any of those things. It's full of people who can do extraordinary things on the guitar. So then you're like, well,
Susie Asli:
what's the point? Point,
Rachel Richards:
right? A tennis, what's the point? Am I not, you know, going to surgery, right? So so it's actually really, we need to be aware of this and be talking to them about it and saying that's not something we're aspiring to. And I think schools make it worse. Because with it when it comes to sports and things, they just focus on the, you know, the tiny creme de la creme, who often are the big kids who started school in October and September. And then the rest of them get sort of quite quickly left by the wayside and they feel like they're not worth it. So really, it's hard to
Susie Asli:
understand that the people they see maybe playing that guitar on Tik Tok also started and they couldn't play to stop. No,
Rachel Richards:
quite, quite understand. Yes. So in this particular episode we're going to talk about there were things that she covered. So one of the things we can talk about his styles of parenting, authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. I'd like to touch on wanting possessions as a way of feeling like you fit in and belonging, the importance of our values, celebrating our own culture, and then the way society makes us think about bettering ourselves and how that can impact on the way we parents, subconsciously, because we just don't want to get it wrong. Do we say you have one chance? So just before we move on, I met a woman on a train once and she was homeschooling her kids. And she had a range of kids freely right down to a little one and I said, oh my goodness, you really have your hands full? And she said, Yeah, I just keep getting better at this so I thought why just why stop screwed up the number one but number seven, I
Susie Asli:
had a conversation with my eldest the other day or a while back and we were talking about you know, the benefits of being the first kid or and, you know, against the less beneficial bits of being the first kid and you know, he's the guinea pig. I know. I know. I tried, you know, So I'm really sorry, I tried everything out on you. Some of it work, some of it didn't.
Rachel Richards:
Exactly. Steven flow who I was talking to the other day. The question they asked was, at what point is it too late? My answer was never, never, ever, ever. Is it too late? Because if you continue is and can rainbow mentioned that he just said, You're not a bad parent, if you're still in the game, and you're still trying, no, it's the ones who give up.
Susie Asli:
I was watching going the other day about, you know, adults mending relationships, you know, 40 year olds with, you know, elderly parents mending their relationships. It's never too late. It's
Rachel Richards:
never too late. And it's never too late to, for them to start studying for them to change their life. You know, we can all do this. So
Susie Asli:
she our generation, yes, it's never too late. Absolutely,
Rachel Richards:
absolutely. So coming back to this email. I, we mentioned her in the last one of the shows where it was I adore your show, I felt really lonely in my struggles as a parent, and you really changed that. Okay, so her my daughter always struggled academically, but she really applied herself aged 11. And she was so keen to get into a good school. We can all relate to her. Yeah, we got swept up with her enthusiasm and applied to PA schools, which is what she refers to them and they couldn't really afford them. Yeah, that she's had sleepless nights over it, it turns out that they basically can't afford the scope this two years on, can't really afford this good schooling, I can completely understand and relate to how they got into that position. And how hard that must be. But she this girl is one of three. She has also stopped working. So she has not joined any clubs at the school. She's doing the bare minimum she says studying as for nerds, her aspiration is to marry a rich man. Which is very sweet, really disheartening, when you're working really, really hard to put your child into what you hoped would be a really great school, and then you're getting this. Okay. They tried to get her a place in the State School, which is actually quite I've heard this from other people where it's not that easy. You actually have to it's quite a long waiting list where you lived in it yet depends on where you live. And the daughter is also really upset about it. She doesn't want to move, obviously. And she's feels quite snobby about the state schools. This This listener isn't actually English annoys her husband, right? I've said, yes. So this is why my heart went out to them. Because you know, we're all of those things, all of those things made me really feel for her. But it's also sort of living in a country where it's not really your cultural background. This happens to a lot of people. And I think a lot of our listeners are in this situation. And you're trying to figure out what's important in the country you're in, like, what are the values I need? And what should I how do I fit in? And I've had another lady contact me about this, who's Middle Eastern? And she said, you know, she's struggling with this as well. Yeah, I
Susie Asli:
think when you live in a foreign country, when I lived in a foreign country for years, yes, you've experienced, they're quite similar countries. So that's, you know, it's not as not as contrasting as maybe it is for them. But you kind of lose your sense of, oh, it's easy to lose your sense of what normal is. Because you you're kind of faced with contrast all the time. And faced with stuff that you didn't even know you did as a cultural thing. You just thought you did it. Yes. And then suddenly, you're like, oh, they do it differently here. So therefore, what I've been doing is cultural. Oh, that's interesting. And it all gets a bit foggy and a bit blurred. And when you're talking about stuff for your kids, which we're really sensitive about. And these parents are like they're doing everything they can to do the best for their kid. And it's a bit like sort of a no running around in the fog, isn't it? Yeah, it's really challenging.
Rachel Richards:
And I want to add to that, that I think we parents now are almost all parenting out of our culture. Because what's happened is it's shifted so quickly, that we're now parenting children who are online, we didn't know how that worked. When we were kids. It's a very different style of parenting. And you can't, we can try and be separate from all the other parents around us. But that doesn't. It's very hard.
Susie Asli:
Yeah. I mean, I think we all are doing that. I think it's 10 times more challenging for someone who's come from a different country and a different culture, I think, Oh,
Rachel Richards:
of course, I want to say that actually, I think I think we're all suffering a bit of this where we're looking around. Wait, how does this work? Yes, because it doesn't matter how you were brought up, you're going to be going well, actually, this doesn't. Like I don't I'm not sure I was acquit. Yeah,
Susie Asli:
absolutely. Right. Hundreds. Okay. So that's
Rachel Richards:
why I wanted to kind of zoom in on this because I think we can all relate to this. She mentioned that her husband finds it hard to say no to her daughter. Again, apple of his eye. They've got three kids though, and we can all relate to that. We can relate to that. But I here's the thing that I thought when I when I heard that that made me think. And the daughter I didn't mention it she now wants an Hermes bag. Yeah. For her birthday, yeah, you're like unbelievably expensive bag that, you know is touted around as being. And I it's so funny, I looked it up on social media and it was, you know, should I buy my 14 year old this home is back she's asking for. And this fashionista said Yeah, I mean if you can afford it, she'll keep it for the rest of her life. No, she won't. She's 14, she's going to spill orange juice in it, it's gonna get stolen. It's on the train. Like, this is not it. So there's that. But also, just as an aside, if you're going to buy stuff, okay, you've got a certain amount of money. Here's my thinking, jewelry. Do you know why? Because people in the war could sew jewelry into the hem of the skirt, and escape it saved people's lives. This is why people like that and value jewelry, because you can hide it, you can trade it in a way that like, Hermes bag is good. You know, if all everything goes wrong, it's about as useful as a Waitrose shopper bag. And
Susie Asli:
it's a really good opportunity to have the conversation as a child of explaining values. And all of that, because obviously, then, you know, they, you know, that would be a bit crazy. I'm not going to judge people who've done it. But in my opinion, that would be crazy thing to do. And to explain it to this to this girl, it's really, really, really good opportunity. But we have to be clear on our own values, don't we? And and if we feel our kids are struggling, if we feel that they're there if in the fog, and we're just kind of trying to feel the ground underneath our feet, where are you? How do we help? How do we do this, and we're doing the best we can, then we don't always see clearly. And we've got forget what our values are. So it's really good opportunity both for the parents to stop and go, Okay, what is important to me here, and then to communicate it and learn with their daughter. They can do it together. Yes,
Rachel Richards:
absolutely. So looking at it going This doesn't feel right. Yeah. Why doesn't this feel right? What is it about it? And where is she getting these values from? Because what's happened is she's obviously in an environment where they seem to matter. But we have to we we can only parent with our own values. And because otherwise, if you're trying to clothe yourself in someone else's values, none of it's going to, it's not going to fit.
Susie Asli:
And we can do the classic empathy. We've talked about this before. I completely understand why you you want that bag. It's lovely. Or, and I can see maybe your friends got one. I totally understand it. We are not going to do that. Yeah, but I'm not going to shame you for the for the wish to have it. I completely agree. Don't shy guys with you know that I can see why you want it. And we're not going to do it.
Rachel Richards:
Yeah, and, but also, just what does it represent. So trying to help them to think through why it's so important to them. And because they probably don't really know that it's actually an attempt to fit in because they can see the other girls are talking about these things. And they've adopted adopted those values, and they feel like that will make them more popular. There'll be in with the popular crowd and
Susie Asli:
the empathy, that he doesn't know how this girl is. But then it is really important. You know, it feels vitally important. So it's having empathy for that as well. It's not like, there's nothing wrong with her for wanting that bag. She's not a spoiled little brat, you know that quickly. So she wants to fit in, she wants a bag that have maybe her friends have and there's nothing wrong with the wish and the desire. And we're not going to do
Rachel Richards:
exactly, exactly. And I think coming back to the values, I have actually written a course hassle. I haven't recorded it. But that goes through all of this. And it's going to be cheapest chips, because you know, well when I first launched it, just so that people because I really, really think this value thing is so important. And it's so hard to get right. Because I don't think there's enough information about it and coming back to this whole
Susie Asli:
and we have different values. So examiner, their friends, her friends, family, maybe have different values, and they're cool with it, and that's fine for them. That's also hard for a teenager to understand you but why not? That's unfair, you know, but really, but but, you know, experiencing her parents standing by their values and being wholehearted with them is a really great lesson. Such a
Rachel Richards:
great Any, any, it gives you an identity. See, I think this is this is circling around the real issue here. When you have values, it gives your family an identity. So you say the richest family have these values. This is where we sit and being able to explain them and and identify them makes it easier for them to say Oh, well I see this and you say well, that doesn't really sit well with my values. And here's why. And and you don't necessarily like you say you don't ever shame them. You just say okay, so because what's also happening here and she actually mentioned the book and I talked about it before is she's becoming much more closely identified with her peer group, then with her family because of her age because of her age. But this is actually there's a book written by Gordon Northfield, and gobble Matty called hold on to your kids which is x optional about this, and I'll put it in the podcast notes. I absolutely love that book because it's talking about how critically important it is to hold your kids within a family circle of values as long as possible. And it's not not letting them grow and try experiment with the things. It's been really clear about who you are as a family, so that they feel anchored in something that's meaningful. Yeah,
Susie Asli:
and then then quit, then things that come up that easy to answer, because we're not firstly, searching for our own opinion on it weak. So already, we can go yes, no. But that's where the challenge really comes in, isn't it? Because for many of us as adults, we actually are still wondering what our own values are. Yeah. And it's so it's, it's finding out them first. Yeah. And I think a lot of us haven't always done that that work?
Rachel Richards:
Well, I think most of us, and that's again, that's why I wanted this course put this course out. But the and the other thing is that the what is what sort of parenting are we looking for? And we've heard all these, these words like helicopter parenting and free range and everything. But actually, I did a lot of research into this. And and it's basically authoritarian parenting is not what you want, because that is telling them they got to do this, this doesn't this, it feels horrible. Old, authoritative parenting is what we're looking for, where it's a balance between having boundaries that are consistent and clear. And that love and that nurturing. Yeah, responsiveness. And then the the other end of it is permissive parenting, where you what you do is it's child lead, as opposed to child centered. And I think the problem we've got in society we're living in particularly Western societies is that because we're kind of trying to reset the pendulum from some of them more authoritarian parenting, a lot of people haven't found where that middle ground is. And they've slipped into permissive parenting where the child leads the way. And what we want to try and do is edge back away from the permissive parenting where the child gets to say, this is what I want, and the parent goes, Oh, okay, then, yeah, I
Susie Asli:
can feel I'm reacting to what you're saying. You tell me go.
Rachel Richards:
Tommy, disagree?
Susie Asli:
I kind of agree with what you're saying. I do agree with it. And I think it's, it's, I think it's really difficult to put it into boxes like that, because I think it does depend very much on the individuals. And that's a kind of a bit of a wishy washy answer. But I genuinely think that and I think, to say that we all are going to be geared up towards a particular way of parenting, I think it brings a lot of problems, because that doesn't work for some people. What doesn't work for them? Well, to say that we shouldn't be doing the permissive or we should be doing a particular way of parenting, because for some people that will work and it will be fine. And their kids will be wholesome, healthy, and it will work, you know, if you see it, and for some, it won't work, because maybe they're doing it differently, or they're not really whole hearts behind it, or they need a different way they need more structure, because we are all very, very different. I think we really do have to sit with our own values, our own history, our own cultural, societal history, sit with that, and decide how do I want to be and be flexible with that, and and go from that space rather, towards a particular model.
Rachel Richards:
I think that it's undeniable that we need warmth, and responsiveness, and that we need boundaries. Without those two things. The Parenting is not somewhere the parenting is going wrong. You
Susie Asli:
can have permissive parenting and her boundaries. It depends how you define it, doesn't it? I think that defines what
Rachel Richards:
I think if you're like a permissive parenting is a lack of boundary. Like you're not actually saying no.
Susie Asli:
To me, permissive parenting means that you're taking all the you see the children and the parents is as not hierarchical. But you are you are you have boundaries within that.
Rachel Richards:
Right? Yes, that's different. I'm talking about at you, it's actually really important as a parent to be able to set boundaries so your child can see where the edge is. And I think there's where the
Susie Asli:
child can lead within that sometimes,
Rachel Richards:
yes, yes. But what we need to do is we need to have conversations with particularly when they're teenagers, you can't say this is how it's going to be, you can say this is how I'd like it to be and then have a conversation with them about it and a discussion. So sure, absolutely. But I do think matter of definition has to stop with us parents who do have to say, you know, and I'll say to my daughter, I know this is annoying, but you'll thank me later on. Isn't it awful? You have a parent who loves you enough to say that's not gonna happen?
Susie Asli:
I think it's a matter of definition in that case. Yeah. So permissive to me is that everybody is involved in the conversation around it. We have our boundaries that shuts down within a difference. And and it's sometimes it's child led, sometimes it's parent led, but the buck stops the buck stops with with the parent definitely. Rather than or trying to go towards the same model. Yes, we can have our own models within Yes.
Rachel Richards:
So it's so it's critical that you're having discussions and that you're listening to the A month for sure. But you end up having to say, look, I have to make
Susie Asli:
this Yeah, this is how it's gonna go and some families will be more permissive and and what was the middle one you called? His authority
Rachel Richards:
authoritative authority is the is the thing to aim for which is the basically that balancing it being it you know, show it being responsive like let's it they need things you so it is that it is it's having conversations with them listening to them, showing them warmth and love and all those things. But at the end of the day, you have to give them some boundaries, you have to say, well, that, you know, that sounds great. Like you said, that sounds I understand that sounds wonderful. But that's not gonna happen. Yeah. And that's fine. Because I'm the adult, I'm the parent. And as they get older, that's that, again, that shifts, but it's having those in place. So the Can we back to her sort of game plan, which was she's going to marry a rich man, if she doesn't actually want to work again, some, I've heard that I've heard my daughter come home and say, Oh, this girl said that, you know, she doesn't care because her parents are gonna, you know, they're really rich, and she's just gonna marry a rich man. And I just think it's so I feel so sorry for these kids who feel that way that that's that's the sort of game plan. Yeah,
Susie Asli:
but we also need to remember I think that, you know, that's maybe maybe that's the her absolute belief. And then then maybe that perhaps he needs a conversation. And let's have a look at what you mean by that. Because just be flippant comment. Because I really like to eat cake for dinner for the rest of my life. She's not going to do that. Or maybe
Rachel Richards:
she's, you know, her parents who said, Have you done the homework like now? Yeah, yeah.
Susie Asli:
So we need a bit more context. But maybe if it is, if it is a real belief, then yeah, then that's not ideal. It's not
Rachel Richards:
ideal. And it was, again, Lipin comment. Yeah, so it's about on picking it. And I think the interesting thing with this goal is that she's the first and you've got parents here who are immigrants, and they are hardworking parents. And one of the comments that amazing, they are like, she's just, she really, really moved me when she wrote in. And one of the comments she made was, she said, I'm from this society where there's a lot of wealth inequality, and I'm ashamed of having having things. So it's really curious that her daughter has going the other way where she wants she's acquisitive, because again, it's she's in a different society. And she said, and my husband comes from another country, and we're ashamed of that country because of its past. And
Susie Asli:
so these things are really triggering for them very troubling, maybe otherwise, which is really understandable.
Rachel Richards:
But I also said to her, so I can understand how you feel that way. But I remember doing this for parents, and when I was coaching parents in inner city, London, and most of the people I was coaching were immigrants. And they taught me so much. And I absolutely loved meeting each and every one of them. Because often the parenting styles from the countries they came from were very different. But one of the one of the things we did as an exercise was we would actually create a scrapbook of the culture that they came from. So you know, the extended family that may be still living in that country, if there was no extended family, things about that country in that culture that were very positive. Because I think the problem is we come to a new, you know, there are people in countries where they get really crossed, because the people come here and they don't adopt a culture. Of course, you need to adapt to the culture of the country you move to but you also need to harness the wonderful things about the place you come from, because you that is who you are. That's your genes.
Susie Asli:
And a recognition of what you've come from. I mean, it's amazing isn't like you live in a foreign country, which I've done, the culture was very similar, but still. And suddenly, all your little things that you celebrate in your own country, suddenly, they're super important. That's just one example. Whereas maybe you didn't even celebrate them like when you live, but now you don't, you're like, Well, this is really important. This is who I am. And so when you live in a different countries, often it's it can go both ways, but it often it's even more important because of the contrast and, and the lack of familiarity around. Yeah, so important.
Rachel Richards:
And I just think that if you've got a girl too, I think all teenagers are searching for identity. And my kids used to love telling people that I was born in Africa, and I grew up there when I was younger. And and sometimes they think, Well, I'm part African or something, not because I'm completely English. But what's really interesting is we're all searching for identity. So actually making it into a positive and giving her information about her heritage, that is a positive thing. That's not That's not oppositional to the culture that they I've moved into, but that
Susie Asli:
actually, so is an addition for her it's,
Rachel Richards:
so let's say, let's say because I don't want to identify them and let's say the husband's French. And, you know, you could say all sorts of negative things about the French. You could also say they make the best baguettes in the world. You could say that, you know, like the cuisine has always been amazing. You know, whatever you want to do that picks out something It's wonderful about the French, you know, they came up with some of the best couture in the world, the haircut, you know. So what we want to do is we want to say, okay, there are negatives to the country I come from, but they're also some really wonderful things. And you're part of that, and handed down to your child as something they can be proud of that they can tell their friends, they can say, Oh, well, I'm, rather than being ashamed of it. Yeah.
Susie Asli:
And maybe have a conversation with him or her as well, that you know, that they are. There's some stuff that they're struggling with Sarah, and I think that's a really good thing. Because she'll really understand that, you know, and then maybe there'll be more understanding for where some of the, you know, the more complicated feelings around it come from, because she'll be picking up on it.
Rachel Richards:
Yes, she will. And also that will make her her parents seem more sort of human and real. And I think often our kids look at the parents, and they're like, and they can see your own humanity,
Susie Asli:
I'm struggling, I struggle with that part of my identity. And you know, what do you think kind of thing, I have a conversation around,
Rachel Richards:
I completely agree with you. And also just the fact that she is, so she's the oldest, but there are two siblings, and they're struggling to keep her in this private school. And I think one of the ways, so she's really angry, doesn't want to lead a school that they can't, they can't afford, it's too much of these schools are so expensive. And, you know, you could argue that there's huge benefits to it. I didn't go to a private school. And it's hard to switch from coming from privilege to not so I came to England, we had nothing. So we really became quite poor. And as a teenager, so I understand how that feels. But actually, it was the making of me. It was hard it was making. And I would regroup as a family and say, You know what, we've realized that actually, you're really important. But then so are your siblings. Yeah. And as a family unit, we can be stronger if we pull our resources in a different way and have conversations about it. And she
Susie Asli:
wouldn't want the parents to be suffering because of it. I can explain it to you. This is a team. We're a team. You know, we're in a tea this is really not great for whoever's it's not grateful, though. She'll be she might resist, of course, but Yeah,
Rachel Richards:
she'll get it. And I love that gets it because I use that a lot at home, when I'm trying to get people to do chores and things like there's always, always talk about it as being in a team, because I think then they feel valued. They feel important, rather than being told they've got to do something, because that's when they start fighting back, isn't it? And it's
Susie Asli:
really hard because we want the best for our kids. And it sounds like these parents, they absolutely want the best for her. So maybe it's really challenging for them to go. Do you know what, we can't do this anymore? Because they've made me feel like they're letting her down. Or they have a different narrative about what being a parent is. But you know, maybe
Rachel Richards:
that it's all it's all linked. It's all linked. And one of the other things she mentioned was that her daughter hangs out with some kids who seemingly have no manners. They don't greet her when they enter the house. They start eating before they've sat down. Sounds like lots of teenagers event. This is quite an English thing as well, because we've talked about this before when we talked about manners. They hadn't we were they sort of try and sneak around the back door. And in other countries, that would be completely verboten. I mean, France again, they have a very, very set routine for going into a house. So it's about expectations and having conversations. Yeah,
Susie Asli:
absolutely. Are you saying it or just going up to the teens? That's what I do. Yeah. Hello? Yes. In the house? Yeah. And who are you? Yeah, my name is and they are always lovely after you've done that. Like, they just don't realize they just don't know. I
Rachel Richards:
think they don't teach them. Yes. And I actually think I actually think sometimes we look at these kids, we think, Oh, that's so rude. And they're sold. They're entitled, but actually, if you encourage them in and rather than thinking I need to teach them how to do this, you can say, hey, you know, how do you do things like that? Oh, well, we do it like this rudeness
Susie Asli:
and awkwardness are often mistaken for each other. They're not angry. They're just, they just don't know what to do. And it's all a bit awkward. So
Rachel Richards:
you can just say, hey, come and say hello. And then you can go off and do that. And I know
Susie Asli:
what, you just got to wait till everyone's got their plates. Is that alright? Do you mind? No, no, no, of course not. You know. Exactly.
Rachel Richards:
Just a gentle prompt rather than Yeah. Because it's hard. Otherwise, yeah. It
Susie Asli:
can also be quite lonely being being foreign in another in another country sure, is super low show because you don't have the same antenna out. And for some people, it's lovely, and it will work and it's fine. But so you know, these parents, they need to cut themselves some slack as well. They sound like they're doing an amazing job
Rachel Richards:
that spot on. So I think this lady needs to give yourself a pat on the back for doing an amazing job. She does a day to day job that's very hard, and regroup as a family. Yeah. What do you think any other things? No. So if you want any more information, if you want to contact me, it's teenagers untangled@gmail.com. If you want to contact Suzy, what's your email address?
Susie Asli:
Or my my website website is www dot a mindful hyphen life.co.uk You can find me on that.
Rachel Richards:
Perfect and if you want to sort of search Do any back episodes or anything? It's www.teenagersuntangled.com They're all on there. I've got a blog that I intermittently update. That's it for now.
