92: Summer flip or summer flop? What will your teen be doing with their summer, and does it really matter?

The amount of holiday teens get varies enormously around the world. For some, it's a much needed break from routine, for others it's a real chance to flip the script of their life and focus their attention on things that aren't part of the rigid educational agenda.

In this episode we talk about ways in which we can help our teens use their summer to grow in ways that genuinely interest them. Lots of skills get little time for development whilst they're at school, so it's a great chance for them to explore their passions in an unstructured environment, or get some experience in the workplace.

There's no right way to do summer, but hopefully some of these suggestions can give you ideas for things you can do; including simply working on your connection if you think that things haven't been going too well. 

Resource used:
https://www.daniel-wong.com/2015/11/09/productive-things-to-do-during-school-holidays/

The blog detailing my method for change:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/Be-the-person-you-want-to-be-not-the-person-others-think-you-should-be/

Transcript

Rachel Richards: 0:02

Music, hello and welcome to teenagers. Untangled the audio, hug for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters.

Susie Asli: 0:13

Hi there. I'm Susie Aslie mindfulness coach, mindful therapist and musician, a mother of three teenagers, two of them are twins. Su,

Rachel Richards: 0:20

have you planned your summer yet?

Susie Asli: 0:22

Yeah, actually, have you? I know,

Rachel Richards: 0:24

I know. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. We

Susie Asli: 0:27

kind of have had to this year. Why? Why? Well, we always have to have some sort of structure, because my kids go to their dads for over a chunk of it. So and even, actually, that's not actually the booked part yet, the dates are sort of set, and we're also going on a big holiday together. Wow, which would be amazing. So we and they're going to Reading Festival. Yes, it's been a bit of a jigsaw piece this year. Actually,

Rachel Richards: 0:50

exactly that's that's my problem, and that's why I'm so impressed, because this is the first time I've had a real issue trying to pull summer together, because one of my daughters is dating, and she keeps putting things in the diary, which mean, it's really complicated, and I'm assuming, yeah, and she's on a Greek camp sort of for a couple of weeks. And, you know, it's just trying to piece it together. I can't really work out where we can have a holiday or any time off together as a family. Yeah, we have nothing booked. It's tricky. What England is at its best in summer, yeah. So you know, if all else goes to whatever that's that's where we'll be anyway. Let's we'll talk about how to plan a summer that's useful for our kids. Because I think as parents, a lot of us think, Oh, I mean, some of us work all the way through summer and we just get a small amount of time off. Some of us have whole summers with our kids, and it's just figuring this out, because obviously the teen years are different to when they're little different set of problems. But first of all, shall we have do you have a nugget at all I

Susie Asli: 2:00

do. And my nugget is a bit General. Your fanart, she might not think they are. Yes,

Rachel Richards: 2:06

I don't specifically say that quite general. I

Susie Asli: 2:10

mean, I couldn't think of anything. No, it doesn't. No, I was thinking the other day that sometimes I think it's really important to remember that we are all feeling like we are winging it, like I had a day, and we all have them. And I thought, just in relation to this, you know, doing this podcast, sometimes I think, what am I doing? And have a day where I just think I'm doing everything wrong, parenting wise, and and it just accumulates often because I'm already tired, or there's something else going on, or my window of tolerance has shrunk for a different reason, or the or because of the parenting issues. And I've just, I meant, I'm just suddenly catch myself thinking, oh my goodness, I'm rubbish at this. What am I doing? And have to sit down and just sort of unpack it and have a bit of a kinder chat to myself and try and bring myself out of it, and take each issue as it comes and as it is, which always helps, and try and bring some gratitude.

Rachel Richards: 3:07

Thank you for mentioning that. Because I think the feedback we get from a lot of listeners is that that's how they feel. Yeah, that's how we all feel. And it's, it's, it can hit you at any time, yes.

Susie Asli: 3:19

And we all have those days where everything feels a bit tricky, and how on earth are we How on earth have we been given this big responsibility? How is this going to turn out? And then the next day, it's different. It always passes. It's always different. It's always passing, and we can be kinder to ourselves in the process.

Rachel Richards: 3:36

It's interesting, isn't it, because I did a lot of Ashtanga Yoga, and I trained under David Swensen, who's a peripatetic teacher travels around the world. Very short, short course I did with him, but somebody put up their hand and said, at what point are you ready to teach someone else yoga? Because it was a teacher training course. And he said, at the point where you know more than someone else? Yes. And I thought, Oh, wow, that's a completely different way of looking at it, because everyone's talking about grades and insurance and things, and I think it's the whole point is that we're all trying to learn as we go along. And I think the parenting culture has turned into one where there's a sense that you there are people who know how to do it right, and then there's the rest of us, and we need to learn from the people. From the people who know how to do it right. But the truth is, I don't think anybody's getting that right all the time. And I think, I think, yeah, I think it's a muddle through and all learning as we go along. And being, not being honest with our kids about that too, is a very powerful thing. Yes, modeling through and sharing as we go, sharing as we go, that's where we're at. So that's what we're doing. And my nugget is, again, we've been doing a bit on studying. Because, of course, the kids are in massive exam season. Both my kids have been going through exams, tests. One's doing tests, one's doing exams, and one of them, at the weekend wanted me to she just said, Could you come and sit. With me and just go through this stuff with me. And it was Greek. I can't even read Greek, I don't know, but it was just the fact that I was there with her, and then she could, and it went quite it took, took quite a long time, but that sort of drilling and the ability to keep going back and forcing it into she kept saying, I have to do this to get it into my long term memory. And I think there's an element of, I think sometimes our kids can feel like it's not fair because it looks like that person's not having to do any work, and I have to do all of this work, and then they feel like they're inadequate for doing it. The point is that even the really, really good people, in fact, the really, really good people behind the scenes are doing a huge amount of drilling that we don't see. No, no, I've

Susie Asli: 5:46

been doing that with with one of my kids as well, and they're very it's very interesting, isn't it, because it's very different. And I know you've had that with your with your girls as well. They approach it very differently and and I'm really curious about, you know, when does all that start? You know, the ones who, because one of mine wants me to like you, wants me to sit and listen. I've spent hours testing him for various things, and he finds it really helpful. And the other one doesn't just a little bit and some some subjects. And when do they? When do they? And, you know, they're all different. They learn in very different ways. But when do they? What point did they go, Oh, this is a good idea. This is helping. And then, of course, then it grows, because it's like a carrot, isn't it? You know, it's helping. So I'll do it again, kind of thing. When does that start? It's really interesting. And

Rachel Richards: 6:28

my daughter went to a school where they had a quiz every Christmas, 100 things they had to answer. And it was a family quiz. Everyone had said the whole family had to be involved. And I thought it was quite annoying at the time, but because, but you you presented a Christmas day and say, All right, everybody's got to help us with this, because these are really difficult questions. Well, they forced the kids to learn the answers to all the the 100 questions, and then they did a test on them. It was just supposed to be fun. She actually took it seriously. And she said, You know what, my my general knowledge now was amazing as a result. Wow. Whereas all you know, the other kids are like, this looks really dull, and I don't want to do, where are the sweets? I think, I think it can start. You can be one thing where they start think taking something seriously, and then they realize that actually, by doing it they I don't know Anyway, interesting. None of them are broken. They'd all work out anyway. And when you know of Greek, no, I don't know any Greek cannot speak. It's ancient Greek, darling. I'm never going to happen. Okay?

Susie Asli: 7:24

I think I could have sat some of my son's GCSEs actually this year.

Rachel Richards: 7:27

Yeah, I can't sit. I can't sit any of these exams. But that's fine. Now there's coming back to the summer holidays. There's a belief that summer holidays used to be to give kids a break from education so they could help the parents in the fields. Yes, yeah. So agricultural cycle, obviously, for a lot of people, that's not an existing thing anymore, and in fact, there are a lot of laws against it in Western countries, which is completely different. Subject about how we're now restricting our kids from practicing going to work, but the length of holidays differs from one country to the next very much. And do you know where they have the longest holidays, summer holidays?

Susie Asli: 8:12

No, I don't. I would say Mediterranean. Yes. Oh, okay, yes. So like a guess.

Rachel Richards: 8:18

You know, correct me if I'm wrong, because I know people listen in the Mediterranean, but in Spain and Italy, I mean, I think in some parts of Italy, it's up to 13 weeks off, wow. And Spain 10. Germany and France are similar to the UK, which is six to eight weeks, depending on the schools. And in South Korea, kids get an average of four weeks, wow, off school at summer interesting, isn't it? What's interesting is that South Korea does have very consistently high PISA scores, which is the test that they put in place 15 year olds around the world, just to see where there are with Maths and English. Okay, so yes, you could say short summer holidays help with that. But then Finland also has high PISA scores, and their summer break is 10 to 11 weeks,

Susie Asli: 9:02

and they're all really happy, and they were happy. And it's also, it's not just the holidays is it's how long is the school day? And all of you, yeah,

Rachel Richards: 9:09

and they don't give their kids homework, no or very little, so it doesn't necessarily correlate. So my point being that don't panic if you are your kids are just hanging around all summer. No, not. Isn't going to destroy them.

Susie Asli: 9:22

It's how, just more. How do we manage? Yes,

Rachel Richards: 9:25

exactly right. And in Portugal and USA, there are big cultures of summer camps and summer schools. I That's not something the UK. It seems just ridiculously expensive, like, I don't know how people would afford summer schools, but

Susie Asli: 9:40

it's not a bit it's not a normal thing.

Rachel Richards: 9:43

Yeah. And I found an excellent website by a chap called Daniel Wong, because I've been looking at this for quite a while thinking, how do you plan summer? What are we supposed to do here? Because I think it bothers a lot of parents, and so I'll have that website in the podcast notes. I. Like him because he thinks in a way that I think so it is biased, because that's the way I think, too. And he does. He starts with taking stock. Okay, now is this exactly what I do every new year for my New Year's resolutions? It's look back and think, What did I achieve this year? Like, be good about myself. Just say, wow. How far have I come? Because I think one of the important things we need to do is put a stake in the sand and just say, I feel good about myself because I did this, this and this. So that's a really nice thing to do with your kids. And then you can also say, so, are there things that I would have liked to have done better, and what could I do next year? Thinking back on the school year, at the end of the school year, just say, Hey, should we just go through this? But start with the positive. Start with the you know, you can say, as a parent, these are the things I've seen that have been amazing. Start with some real praise, because they definitely will have grown okay. They might have been awful, and

Susie Asli: 10:55

we're not, we're not always very good at was for ourselves. Always a culture that's going back and doing, what did we do? Well, we usually look at the business that didn't

Rachel Richards: 11:01

go well, yeah. So if you like this, I've used this technique in my I've actually written a blog about it for my New Year's resolution system, where I always start with I always start and he then talks about setting process goals for the next term. Because, of course, you're starting the summer process goal. I'm going to go through to that. So you start, you start in the summer. Let's just actually do that work. Now before you forget about school altogether, and the process goal is different from a performance goal. So performance goal is, I need to get an A. A process goal is how you go about doing it. I'm going to do after dinner. I'm going to make sure I do, you know, this much work towards whatever subject you know. You can sort of look back and think, Okay, what went wrong here was I didn't have, you know, consistent routine in terms of getting things done, and then it all backed up. Yeah? So you can have, you can say, okay, so judging by what happened, then I could do this. That would be a better way of managing my time, yeah. And then just set those goals. And then, you know that next, next term it don't, you don't start from scratch. You think, Wait, what am I supposed to do? What I don't remember? What I don't remember, what I did wrong last time? And yeah, so from where you could see isn't

Susie Asli: 12:06

you can always change them, but exactly, have some sort of structures, good, exactly.

Rachel Richards: 12:10

And then, so you can set sort of five or 10 process goals, things where you think, okay, when I come home, I'm going to pop my electronics down, have a snack, you know, just set it up and then forget about it. And so he talks about things that you can then do with your kids to just focus their minds over the summer. And again, he starts off with things like setting up good routines. And Ken Rabo talked about this and how routines really, really help us. And it's a nice time to work on routines. We go, oh, let's just let everything flop. But actually, you know, after they've had a bit of time off and they've just relaxed, you can then say, so what are the routines that would really help me? What are the things that I've sort of been stumbling on, and if they get out of hand during the term and then, and obviously, things do to an extent. But can we fix some of these things so you can create checklists like, you know, the reading before you go to bed, the gratitude, any of those things, you can sort of say, Well, should we, should we just work on some of those things over the summer holiday when it's not too pressurized? Because I think trying to make changes when you're really under pressure can be really difficult.

Susie Asli: 13:19

Yeah, it's overwhelming. We don't have the capacity. Yeah, and

Rachel Richards: 13:23

then actually, the fun stuff? Well, it can be fun. It can be not so one Declutter. So I know that by the end of the term, both my kids rooms have built up with all the exam papers and everything and and clothes that they've probably grown out of or whatever. So you can, you can set it as a task and go to a garage boot sale. So we've got a boot sale here in our local area this Sunday for the to raise money for a charity, and we've been several years in a row. We're not doing this here because of their exams, but it's huge fun to go to a boot sale with all your staff, yes, and just spend half a morning, just

Susie Asli: 14:02

as long as you don't come back with more style, like my kid,

Rachel Richards: 14:06

one of mine does, yes, but that's a nice it's a nice activity. It's like, actually, let's Declutter. Let's go through the entire room. I don't need these things anymore. I'm not wearing those clothes. Yeah. We desperately need to then, yeah. But it's actually, if you set it as a task, you say, let's have a sort of a task, and then we're going to go and either take it to a charity shop, we're going to sell it. Actually,

Susie Asli: 14:26

one of my kids is planning a big bonfire for exam notes. And I'm like, Okay, that sounds do you need that? And they, I mean, they are all over the house. They are in the kitchen. They're apart. We're not allowed to touch them because they look completely ramshackle to us. But no, you know where things are. I don't think he does, but we're not allowed to touch him. So I can't wait for that to go

Rachel Richards: 14:46

What? What a fantastic thing to do. And that's the celebration. You can toast marshmallows, go out and just enjoy Yeah, I love that. It's what, it's a kind of ritual.

Susie Asli: 14:54

Yeah, he's definitely up for that,

Rachel Richards: 14:58

in terms of kind of. Developing your their skills, there's they can the thing to do is just talk to them about the options and get them to choose. Obviously, we can tell them things to do, but I'm just kind of throwing in suggestions here. So some of them were things like watching educational YouTube videos, picking something they really like. Are they really interested in? Because, again, when they're at school, they're really confined.

Susie Asli: 15:23

Yeah, I think I'm just sitting sitting here thinking mine would laugh at me if I suggested that. Really wouldn't. Yeah, interesting. One of them would probably be up for it, and the other would go, it's the holidays. What are you doing?

Rachel Richards: 15:35

But maybe that's not that, no, but that may not be, not be the way they like to grow. For example, in the holidays, we always watch documentaries as a family, okay, during the term time, we just want to watch a film. Yeah, interesting and but when we're on holiday, it's all for some reason. As a family, we come together, and we love watching documentaries. We've watched some really great ones. Yeah,

Susie Asli: 15:55

I mean, I could suggest it, and mine aren't around very much this holiday, yes, but yeah, that's another. That's another. There's

Rachel Richards: 16:00

the old get a job, yes, which I've told my kids they have to do so, but that's what something we can structure. So it's about kind of helping them through the process of making up either cards or a CV and talking them through. Because I've started sending things when I see jobs around, sending them to my daughters and saying, So, these are the sorts of jobs that are out there to try to get them their heads around the ideas of what's out there and how they go about and sometimes some need more hand holding than others. Yes, and I think this is

Susie Asli: 16:28

uncomfortable, isn't it? Practicing that it's

Rachel Richards: 16:32

really, really good. But I've been thinking a lot about this because I think this generation compared to our generation, and this may be a different experience for you. They are not allowed to work in our country until they're 16. In London, it's 18. I was talking to babysitting, yeah, I'm just talking about structured sort of workplaces, yes. And when I was a kid, when I was a teen, I basically worked in so many different jobs. And I just think it was much more. You just sort of answered a job advert. You called them up. There was no CV, really different process, and it wasn't formal. It was just, yeah, I'll come and work for you for a while. And and so by the time I got to my kids ages, I was sort of comfortable with approaching people and trying to get work. And I think it's a much bigger hurdle. And so one of the things I've been reading about is is making that hurdle seem lower, because it just feels really insurmountable, yes, and I think also there's an element of I was speaking to a dad the other day who said his son feels he's begging him not to make him go and work and have to serve because he doesn't want to have to serve people his age. Okay? And he's a rather pop watch. Don't want to go to work. And there's a, there's this weird shame element with being in a service position, okay? Whereas I always thought that was just, I loved it, yeah, and, and so I don't know where that's coming from.

Susie Asli: 17:56

I have not heard that before. No, I mean either. But

Rachel Richards: 18:01

there are things. It's all about getting them out there, building skills that are positive and that they enjoy. So it's not about trying to make their life horrible. But one thing I did was I volunteered in a wildlife sanctuary when I was a teenager. Loved it, so that you can find causes they care about, yeah, and that they can volunteer at. So even if they can't get a job, there are other things they can be doing. Yeah, and

Susie Asli: 18:22

learning money is really, really good thing to Yeah, they get the value of money, isn't it? Like, away spent, you know, an hour earning that I'm not just going to fritter it away,

Rachel Richards: 18:31

No, exactly, exactly. And I think we really need that. That is the flip side of the education. And I think, I think we've shifted. We've I was listening to someone talk the other day. I think it was a Financial Times correspondent who was talking about when he was growing up, 2% of people went to university. And he said, now it's 40% but we don't need all those people, no, with graduate skill. And he said, The problem is, you need people with the other skills that they need to be 100% yes. So we need to be sort of pushing that, that flip side of the coin, because when they're at school, it's so focused on the academics and

Susie Asli: 19:03

doing those kinds of jobs. I did that as a kid. I did, I did being a musician. I played loads of, you know, funny, weird jobs. And I'm not that kind of weird. But and you really get, you know, behind the scenes work and bar work and, yes, waitressing, you really learn more about people in those kinds of jobs than you do anywhere else. I think it really does give you like the way people treat you as a waitress or as a musician. You know, a background musician is so revealing. It teaches you more about people than a psychology course, I reckon I hunt. I mean, agree with you, yeah, totally being silly about it, but it really does teach you the way they treat, you know. And I remember wedding gigs, you know, some people be lovely. Most people are lovely, and they bring us food or drink. And some people were like, Oh yeah, yeah, you can go and sit over there, and if you have to use the toilet kind of thing, you know, you're really the scum. You just think, Wow, it's so interesting, wow. So it's really good for kids to experience how people treat. It, and how, how important it is to treat everybody nicely. Yeah, no, whatever they do and whatever they, you know, whatever they bring to the table,

Rachel Richards: 20:07

yes. And then they also see the amount of work that goes on behind the scenes, because they just see something being delivered to them. And they don't think and realize, because you can't, if you, you can't picture it if you're not involved in the process. And, you know, it stops that sort of, I'm going to be an entrepreneur, and not understanding what's involved,

Susie Asli: 20:23

all the processes involved in it. It's really important, yeah,

Rachel Richards: 20:27

physical health. So figuring out, because I, I'm gonna, I've actually had a word with one of my daughters about it, and saying, I'm going to attach the allowance to physical exercise, because I really want them to be exercising during the summer. I don't care what they do, so I'm not telling them what to do. I'm just saying I need you to be doing three sets of physical exercise that are meaningful during the week during the summer, and you can show me the evidence, and that will be part of your allowance that goes into that. And if you don't, if you if you do it, I will give you a little bit more. Yeah, if you don't, you get some of your Lance taken away so it will be just connected to it so that they and I've had a conversation with one. She said, No, that's fair enough. Fine reading. Now that you know the two boys that the twins who wrote the book do hard things that I talked about in the how to set high expectations episode, that's what happened to them one summer at I think it was when they were 1617, their dad said, right, well, this summer, you're going to read all these books and put them on the table. And said, you can come off those, those phones and computers, you're reading books. And it completely changed their life.

Susie Asli: 21:39

Wow. And they said, Yes, obviously, yeah, they did. He

Rachel Richards: 21:43

just said, you need proper education by reading, reading the greats, as they say, yeah. And I think it's a very interesting way. And now it won't suit everybody, depends on how you are, but that's a very just getting your kids reading more is really powerful,

Susie Asli: 21:58

really good, really good. I I'm logging all these ideas. I'll put them

Rachel Richards: 22:02

in, I'll put them in a blog, yeah. Oh, and the link to Daniel's website, because it's really, really good. Well, getting them to think about what one skill would you like to get a lot better at? Yeah, that's a nice way of looking at it. Yeah, one thing can it can be playing an instrument. It can be fixing things. You know, is there something that you and get them to brainstorm it, and then spend time every day doing that and talking about, like, break it down, Break down the process, so they understand. Because if you say, get better at this, then they'll go, Okay, well, how does that work? Because if they've been in a school environment where everything's structured around them, quite often, they don't really know the process. So it's actually you're doing two things. One, they're learning a new skill, but they're also learning how to take what's in their environment that isn't being curated in the way that it is at school, and figure out how to learn from it. Because I think the one thing I've learned from being a parent is we have an assumption that our kids are going to learn things through osmosis, like they'll know, they'll notice how we do things, and then they'll learn from that. And it's just not true. No, a small percentage can learn that way. A lot of them can't. So they'll learn certain things from the way we treat them, in the way we behave. Yeah, they do learn lots of values, lots of things, but what they don't, you know, there is a procedural thing that a lot of them stumble because they just didn't see how that worked.

Susie Asli: 23:26

Yes. And so when they leave home, they don't know how to put the washing machine on, or how to cook a meal or because they've watched it a million times but haven't really taken it in. Yeah, no, totally.

Rachel Richards: 23:36

And when my kids were younger, when they were sort of 1314, and starting at senior school. Way too much going on. I just let that stuff slide. I wasn't focused on it. But I've now said to them, girls, you're 1617, you have to have these skills. And I've started talking through the skills they have, and I'm saying you're leaving home soon, and we have enough run up time to make sure that you really nail these things and you and it's not about me, it's about you being able to do these things. So let's see what? So you could actually write a list and say, not, not from the you've got to contribute to the household. It's more like, do you, do you feel that you know how to do these things? Yeah, because it gives

Susie Asli: 24:10

them confidence. I've seen that in my elders. He's left home and he's, he's really capable in lots of things, but some stuff is really overwhelming, isn't it? And yeah, simply just familiarity and practicing it. And then you're like, oh, you know, we joke the other days. Come back from uni, like it, it sucks to be an Advent, doesn't it? Sometimes, yeah, I have to do, I have to do that, and then I have to do it again. Yeah,

Rachel Richards: 24:33

wait till you're apparently cooked meals, you know, for the rest of your life.

Susie Asli: 24:37

Yeah, it's, yeah, it's not all fun,

Rachel Richards: 24:42

but they do that. So again, they have that perception when they're younger. What was that card which said teenagers move out, get yourself a job, get yourself a home while you still know everything? Yes, yeah. Another thing that you can do is get them to. Start understanding money, right? So if that hasn't actually happened yet, it's like to sit down and say, so what? How do you think a mortgage works? How do you think, uh, and just start going through that stuff with them. These are, like, you've got, they've got spare capacity, yeah? So you can say, well, this is not, this is something that you don't seem to have a clue about. Let's have, let's go

Susie Asli: 25:18

through it. Yeah. I think these are amazing ideas, and they're brilliant, and they all require that there's a good connection, don't they? They all require and they can work on that and that there's time as well. Yeah. I

Rachel Richards: 25:28

mean, if you're working all the time, this is going to be hard, but you can, my whole point is, right, that very first sit down with them at the end of school is that kind of review and then just going okay, because it could be that what you want to do over the summer is build your connection, yeah, yeah, which is a really valuable thing to do, isn't it? So that's another thing you can work on, where you just say this, I think things have gone a bit off, off piece, yeah. So can we sit and let's have a think about how over the summer we can, we can do things that work for both of us, yeah? Like

Susie Asli: 25:59

that, yeah. So it can be lots of different ways of looking at it. A minor away, they've always been I'm sitting here thinking, oh, there's lots of things that I would like to have done. And do they always go to their dads for half the holiday. And that's that's the case for lots of people, I'm sure. And suddenly, then you go on holiday for a bit with family. We've always done that, and then the window is really tiny, so getting jobs and stuff that's not possible because nobody wants to employ someone for a couple of weeks. Well, I mean, they do, but, you know, it's more limited and things like that, but you can still work with what you have. Can you absolutely?

Rachel Richards: 26:33

Yeah, I do that. My kids throw that at me. They go, Well, nobody wants the truth is, they do because people are having events Yeah, on there are, I've started looking at. I mean, in fact, somebody said on the local Facebook group, is there any sort of seasonal work? Yeah, lots of people said, Yes. These people are looking brilliant. They're a seasonal work. Yeah? And I did a lot of that when I was a teenager. Lots of weddings. I did lots of things, yeah, exactly, yeah. Or just, it doesn't even need to be waitressing. A lot of these singers need people to set up to strike it. Yes. You know, these festivals, they need people working at them. And you know, there are lots and lots of jobs, yes. And another thing that's an interesting one is to help them reconnect with their friend and family. Yeah. So, you know, this is one thing that's really valuable. It may feel like, Oh, God, He's going away. But actually it's a positive thing. So finding members of the family they don't get the time to see, and building that, and building your family history, yeah, it's

Susie Asli: 27:30

really key. And seeing grandparents, yes, and people that maybe you don't have so much time when you're doing your exams or schoolwork, you have a bit more, bit more space. These

Rachel Richards: 27:39

are valuable thing. So we sort of start, we still stay in that mindset where, oh, we've got to improve all those academic things. But actually, if you look at the range of things you could be working on that are really much more enjoyable in many ways. And then another one I saw, which was find a mentor, oh, and I I stopped that, and I thought, gosh, that's a really interesting one, because Angela Duckworth talks about it. She's the woman who's famed for the her TED talk on grit, which is just had so many millions of people watching it. And her, I think her latest book that's going to come out is about and it's to do with managements, like management of companies and things, but it's also to do with just people. And she said, there's, there's been this, this idea that you get this lone wolf, like this lone person who's succeeding, yeah, you know, the top of the company, or whatever. And she said, The truth is, we don't we. We need mentors. And she's in the book, she talks about how we need to find mentors and choose mentors who can we're responsible to and who are responsible to us, and it's actually a really positive thing to talk about. And whether it's a sporting mentor, it doesn't even necessarily need to be someone older. It could be someone their age, where they think they're really good.

Susie Asli: 28:54

Does she suggest that there's some sort of accountability there? Or yes, you can do yes, you're looking and being inspired

Rachel Richards: 29:01

either i There are two. There are different types. So for example, do you remember I talked about the FOMO episode, where you can choose people who are distant from you, and you can choose them to aspire to be more like them? So you can. So for example, a man who's local, who who created Churchill, the insurance company, which was very successful, he told me how when he was a young boy, they were desperately poor, and he wasn't doing well at school, and he started reading Churchill's writing, and was so inspired, yeah, it just completely changed his life. So it's about like, what is my mentor? Who is there somebody who can inspire me? Is it someone close that I can choose as someone who will be I will be accountable to and sponsor and likewise, yes, yes. Or we can offer to be mentors for other people. And it can be someone your own age, or it can be someone older. And, you know, there are some people we talked about this with exercise that some people need someone else yes to turn up for Yeah, and other people don't external, internal, exactly. So. If you are that type of person, it's good to buddy up with someone and say, hey, you know what? Why don't you check in with me? And I thought, what was the one I was seeing, where they talked about how it was a course, I think it was where at the start of the course, you were buddied up with somebody. And the whole point and it was exercise, it was sport, exercise, I can't remember. And the whole point was that your goals were set, and then the person who was your buddy would have to report back because, and they would have to justify why you didn't achieve those goals. People didn't because that way you felt really obliged. Yes, very interesting. There's

Susie Asli: 30:37

loads of research on on all of that, isn't there that if we, if we are accountable to other people, we are way more likely to follow through. I think that's true. And the person who is being the mentor or the sponsor, whatever you want to call them, also gets a huge amount out of it, exactly. It's

Rachel Richards: 30:50

wonderful. One way street, is it? Yeah. And lastly, I think when it comes to inspiring them, I think often their world is quite small, and they can't envisage jobs. They can't envisage, you know, university. Well, what does this mean, or college or anything? And actually, it might be really nice time to go and visit places. You know, just go and see what the maybe the town or maybe the college, or start looking through some of the courses. You find somebody. So let's say you've got a kid who doesn't really know what they want to do, but they're really handy. Just say, you know, there are plumbers who he can shadow, yeah, or she can shadow for a day or two, so they can just get a sense of what that works like. I

Susie Asli: 31:36

think that's a brilliant idea. And also the idea that actually often, when they get to the end of term, they are actually really knackered, and it's all been really full, and we, like our kids, are over scheduled, really, aren't they, really? And they're and when they've had exams, it's, I mean, we've talked about this before, the whole process is not particularly healthy for them. So there is an absolute need to just go, I completely do absolutely, like you talked about, like, do absolutely nothing. And then I find, actually, and in our holidays, that then there's not because of, then they're going to their dads, and then we have, there's not much else time left. But it's those, those kind of doing nothing times are actually super valuable, and time where they can just hang out with their kids, their kids, their friends and and just be kids. Is really nice, but then doing these other things in and dotting them. And I think that's a brilliant, brilliant mix.

Rachel Richards: 32:31

Yeah, I'm a big fan of that too. I think actually having unstructured time is critically important, because kids that come out of a very structured environment and then have never experienced no structure. Also really struggle. And I've seen this a lot with the older, you know, the 20 year olds, where they just, they have no idea how to to spend their time, how to be bored, how to be bored. But I do think taking stock and just helping direct them and just, and it's a light touch, yeah, and it's them. It's like, what do you want? How do you feel? I mean, my daughter's already come up with a list of things she wants to try and achieve, not not directed by me. I

Susie Asli: 33:07

think it's great. Because I think sometimes it is very much. And I'm just speaking from personal experience and my kids friends, you know, the the assumption and the presumption that the holidays are to do nothing in which is lovely and amazing, but actually maybe we could also do some really lovely, useful things as well, and sort of introducing them, and they do that as well, but, but maybe being a bit more conscious around it, yeah. And

Rachel Richards: 33:27

I think that's what we can that's where we can play off, yeah. And coming back to finally, what you said about how turning up for people can make all the difference. And you know, the fact that we get all these amazing reviews from people makes me get up and and write, yes, the podcast, it makes me do all the research. Because I feel like, okay, it matters. It does matter. And I think this is how we, you know, we have to think about that with our kids. Mattering is really important, and we parents rather than nagging, which we can do, yeah, it's just really good. Like for England, it it's just showing them that we they just matter. Yes, you know, like my daughter, when she was studying for exams, didn't really want to talk about it, no, and I just said, that's okay, but I just want to send a message, just saying so, just so you know, thinking about you're not I'm not calling because I know that you don't want to talk about it. But just just mattering. Yeah, okay, well, I think that's it. If you found this useful, please let at least one other person know and follow us, and you can review us on Apple or on the website, which is www, teenagersuntangled com, if you want to contact Susie, how would they do that?

Susie Asli: 34:38

Best Place is my website, which is www, amindful life, CO, UK. And I also just wanted to add that we can quickly get into the spiral of trying to do the holidays perfectly.

Rachel Richards: 34:50

Oh gosh. So on the back, on the back, you

Susie Asli: 34:55

know, this whole list of stuff that we can do. They're just suggestions and possibilities. We. You're not trying to see the holidays perfectly. No, that's not going to feel nice for anybody. Out

Rachel Richards: 35:04

of all those things that I've mentioned, maybe one or two, right? It's just a suggestion, though. These are all the ideas and that, you know, and none of it happens, none of that.

Susie Asli: 35:14

And if you're working nine to five the whole holidays and not really seeing your kids, they will also be fine, and they

Rachel Richards: 35:19

will also be fine. But I do think even if you're working nine to five, doing that like taking stock can be lovely and maybe just working on connecting nice, easy, not easy.

Susie Asli: 35:31

I know that's not easy. That's the hard one.

Rachel Richards: 35:34

If you want to message me, it's teenagers untangled@gmail.com That's it for now.

Susie Asli: 35:39

Goodbye finning,

Rachel Richards: 35:40

bye, did you just say yap yap, yap, yap, yap, it's my new language. I speak Dog. You

Susie Asli: 1:01:06

This whole list of stuff that we can do. They're just suggestions and possibilities. We're not trying to see the holidays perfectly. No, that's not going to feel nice for anybody.

Rachel Richards: 1:01:15

Out of all those things that I've mentioned, maybe one or two, right? It's just a suggestion, those. These are all the ideas and that, you know. And none of it happens, none of

Susie Asli: 1:01:25

that. And if you're working nine to five the whole holidays and not really seeing your kids, they will also be fine, and

Rachel Richards: 1:01:30

they will also be fine. But I do think even if you're working nine to five doing that like taking stock, yeah, can be the lovely and maybe just working on connecting, yeah, exactly nice, exactly easy, not easy.

Susie Asli: 1:01:42

I know that's not easy. That's the hard one. If

Rachel Richards: 1:01:45

you want to message me, it's teenagers untangled@gmail.com That's it for now. Bye,

Susie Asli: 1:01:51

bye. For now, bye, bye, bye.