95: Public displays of affection and sex in your home. Listener email.

Living with a teenager can make us feel queezy at times because we keep losing our bearings. They're changing rapidly, and bringing new challenges into our home, while we're just trying to do our best. For many, the start of a romantic relationship can feel particularly difficult. You're not just negotiating new territory, but having to do it with another person in the equation. 

One listener has contacted me to for support over her teen daughter snuggling with her new boyfriend on the sofa in front of other family members. Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether we're being unreasonable, and even what it is that we're objecting to. 

In this episode I directly address her feelings, and how challenging this can be for us parents, before sharing an old episode in which we talked about 16 year olds having sex under our roof. 

Transcript

Rachel Richards: 0:02

Rachel, hello and welcome to teenagers. Untangled the audio hug for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Now, Suzy is away for the summer, and I've received a message from a listener who said, My daughter is just 16 and is in her first relationship. The boy is her age and seems very nice and kind to her. He often comes to our house. However, they've started lying or snuggling on the sofa while watching TV. I feel uncomfortable with this, especially when my parents or her younger siblings are around. Is it me? What is acceptable. They're at my house and not on the street, but I don't know how to navigate it. Any advice would be welcome. Thank you. Now, before we start with this, I just want to make it clear that in the UK, 16 is the age of consent, but it's going to vary around the world, so bear that in mind when you listen to this episode. Funnily enough, I happen to be in France with 616 year old girls who've just finished their exams. None of them are dating, but I asked them what they think. And let's start with that. Then I'll explain what I've learned now that I've had a 16 year old who was dating. And then you can listen to my original chat with Susie about her son's relationship and how she dealt with it. Hopefully, once you've had a listen to all of this, it will put you in a much better position to understand your own values and how you will deal with this in your own situation. So coming back to the girls, they laughed when I mentioned the two snuggling together on the sofa and suggested they should do it in a private room. Of course, I raised my eyebrow, pointing out that I didn't think our listener would be very keen on that suggestion. They said, Oh yeah, obviously, with the door open, and I like it, because they went straight into problem solving mood. What didn't instantly occur to them, though, was the way it might make others who were in the room actually feel once I pointed it out, they agreed and said, for sure, you don't behave like that in front of other adults, like grandparents, and they could instantly relate to how public displays of affection can make the other people in the room feel very uncomfortable, not just because of the sexuality, but I think it's because it's a family space, and the people bearing witness to this behavior will feel that they're somehow prying on something personal. They totally understood and agreed with that, and I think you should take courage from their response, that your daughter will also understand it. But I think a lot of 16 year olds aren't really thinking about how they're coming across. Obviously, you're navigating new territory, so it can feel really uncomfortable just for that, it's yet another Fresh stage in their development, and it's going to change the dynamic in your household. So it's perfectly normal to feel a bit uncomfortable. What makes me really happy about this email is that the mum likes the boyfriend and that he is being kind to her daughter. I also love that they feel welcome to come back to your house. I think we can really underestimate the value of giving our kids a safe environment in which to grow in the old episode that you'll hear shortly, Susie had been through this, and now I have two. My daughter met her first love age 16, and even though I'd considered all these important issues like contraception and venereal diseases and consent, I honestly hadn't really thought through how I might feel emotionally when it finally happened. I realized that all I really cared about was that her first experience of love was a positive one in which she felt safe and cherished and able to express herself. That's what's happened, and as far as I'm concerned, that is the most important thing. So let's focus on what really matters. If you feel that what's happening conflicts with your values, identify exactly what values you hold, and then talk to your teen about why it's causing you an issue. There's a massive difference between being judgmental or authoritarian and laying down rules rather than being honest about your values and your position. I think a teenager could really understand that much better. Now, when it comes to how they behave in company, that's something you need to navigate as a team. If you wouldn't lounge around on the sofa with your partner and it makes you uncomfortable, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to discuss with them before you do it. I'd start by exploring my own feelings about why it makes me uncomfortable so I can check what it is that's driving the issue. Is it their sexuality? Is it that they're dominating the space so others have to shrink away from it? Is it that you worry about the example being said? I mean, it could be any or none of these things, and it could be something else. Just get to know what your thoughts are, and it will give you a better way of explaining them to your team, so that you don't shame them, and it comes across as being reasonable and supportive. The truth is, most people are uncomfortable with public displays of affection. It's just not about sexuality. It's about other people feeling like they. Don't belong in the space because of the intense connection between two people in a room. And honestly, your daughter just probably hasn't thought about it that if you ban anything in your home, it's likely to happen somewhere else, if that's what they want. So banning things always causes it just it's a real disconnector. It's better to explain and why you want them to hold back and how important it is for both of them to genuinely want things to happen so that they understand your thinking about them and their relationship, rather than trying to stop things from being good for them. Obviously, I suggest you revisit the topic of contraception, venereal diseases, sexting. I know it can feel uncomfortable, but it's better to know that the ground has been covered in a matter of fact way, and that your daughter knows that it's an open channel, and she can ask for support, rather than getting into difficulty and then being embarrassed. That's it. Have a listen to the discussion between Susie and I. Hopefully it will land with you and help you navigate this topic. There's no right way. I mean, we have to. I think it's about that. It's a dance. We have to get to know each other and be comfortable in our own homes, right? You've listened to me for long enough. Here's Susie and me talking about sex. Now I've got your attention, and Helen had ours when she sent us this question. My 16 year old is dating, and he says he's in love. What do I do if he brings her home and wants her to stay the night? Do I put them in the same room or separate them? I'm just not ready for this. Well,

Susie Asli: 6:36

I have had this experience, and I have permission to talk about it. He said he didn't really

Rachel Richards: 6:42

care. This is why so valuable on this.

Susie Asli: 6:45

Well, my, my now 16. He's 16, and he, yeah, he was 16 when he asked as well, and so was she, importantly, and he has a girlfriend who lives quite a long way away. So travel is is difficult for them. They they're very happy to do it, but it takes a while. So traveling late at night was particularly challenging for her because it's dark, etc, going on trains, so earlier than they otherwise would have done. They wanted to. She wanted to spend the night. He sleeps in our old garage. It's been converted so we communicate often via Alexa, which is super weird. He thinks it's brilliant. So he at 10 o'clock at night. At night, he he dropped in to me in the kitchen saying, oh, can can my girlfriend stay over on Saturday? And a, I was sort of ready for bed and thinking, Whoa, I don't really want to have this conversation right now. And, and, and B, I said, I, I'm certainly not having this conversation over Alexa. And so let's talk about it tomorrow. Let's and I didn't react at all. I just said, Oh, okay, well, let's have a think, and we'll talk about it tomorrow. And I could then go, oh, that's there. Wasn't expecting that. And could actually think about what how I wanted to answer it. And my philosophy is, and always has been, about that would be, I want them to feel safe. I want them to feel comfortable. Eldest is pretty headstrong, so whatever he's going to do, he's going to do so I can make it safe and nice and nurturing for them, or I can not, and they're going to do it anyway. And it might be dangerous, it might be uncomfortable, it might be not a very pleasant experience. So I said I thought that would probably not be what I ever chosen. It's probably earlier than I would have chosen. But my caveat was, I need to speak to the girl's mother. We hadn't met because they live a little while away, so

Rachel Richards: 8:30

Hello. My name's Susie elsley. We haven't met, but could my son?

Susie Asli: 8:34

Yeah, pretty much, that was how it went. And interestingly, my son was like, really, really, do you have to? And I was like, Yeah, that's a non negotiable. If you want this to happen, I need to have that conversation. So if I don't, then it's not happening. So by the end of that day, I had the number, and I did. It was literally like that. I rang her up, lovely, lovely lady, and we had a very fun, nice conversation. It was, it was fine. And she had then a chat daughter and we worked it out. It was very much a joint decision. And I also thought, you know, if you do the separate rooms, which is also absolutely, and I'm not, absolutely, not judging anyone who does this differently at all, this was just what worked for us. They're going to sneak around. And I was not willing or thinking it was appropriate to be policing anything like that, you know, because they'll do what they're going to do. So it's worked, and it wasn't weird, and it's, it's and they've been together for a year now. So, and

Rachel Richards: 9:27

I love what you said about checking in with the other parent. And this is something that is, in my opinion, as well, critical major decisions into teenagers lives. And I think it's, it's disrespectful to allow anything to happen in your house without checking in with the parent first. We

Susie Asli: 9:44

also had an awkward conversation. Well, I don't, I didn't think it was awkward, but my son would almost certainly say it was, you know, about contraception, about what, you know, how we were going to manage this. And we had that conversation, and that was short,

Rachel Richards: 9:57

I think that's perfect, because I mentioned it to my daughter. And she said, Mommy, what would you do? And I said, Look, I think if you're old enough to have a girlfriend go to parties or have someone staying over, you're old enough to have adult conversations about sex, and that covers things like a sexual health check. Now these are young children, hopefully both virgins, but it's actually still worth bringing up the question of sexual health, and that if you're going to sit in your partnership, you really should both get checked to make sure one of them doesn't have a venereal disease. I've got a friend many years ago who her first sexual relationship. He gave her a venereal disease that she can she's had for the rest of her life. So you know, this is one of those things where it's worth flagging up, because otherwise, if you never mention it and something happens, then you'll look back and think, oh, maybe I should have said something. I think it's worth remembering that you know the contraception when you're talking about it. To me, I would want to actually. So it's a boy in this example, I would say, so what would happen if she says she's using contraception and then she forgets, and then now she's pregnant. How would you feel about that? How would you deal with having to go to an abortion clinic with her if that's what she chooses? How would you feel about her deciding that she's going to keep it and you're now a 16 year old boy who has a baby in the world to your name or 17. It'll be 17 by then. But you know, how would that work for you? So rather than saying, Oh, are you going to use contraception? Is actually saying, so this, this is the result of not using contraception. So just think about that. And and then I'm leaving. I'm not going to pry. I'm just going to say, Here are the options, and we're going to make sure that you're safe. You need to make sure you're checking in with her, and that talking about making the girl feel happy, and saying, you know, every stage where you were going a little bit further, you say you okay with your right, because she's gonna love you for it. So this is the thing that guys don't know, is that actually, if you're responsible and responsive, you probably get further. Yeah,

Susie Asli: 11:54

we get it. We had a chat as well, and we talked about about what sex is, you know, it's and it's between people who love each other, and they've been, they've been to each other for a while, but it's a really beautiful connection. It's not just, you know, sex and, yeah, no, that was really important. I felt that was really important that he understood that. I mean, how much he did, I'm not sure, but we had the conversation. And yeah, he did. He did resonate. Another

Rachel Richards: 12:22

interesting side of this is, what does your partner feel? Because, of course, you're parenting on your own, so you were left to have to deal with this all on your by yourself. Yeah. And so, you know, there's the other parent, set of parents who need to be considered and included in this decision making. There's your own feelings about, you know, morals, religion, anything you know that has to be taken into account. If you're unhappy about anything happening in your house, you need to explain to your child why just just give them a real sense of why this matters to you. Because there's nothing wrong with having that conversation. But just remember, they may well go and do it somewhere else, as you said,

Susie Asli: 12:59

but they probably also respect our opinions. I mean, I have absolutely no judgment for anyone however they dealt with any of that, because we have very different morals. We have very different ideas as to what's right, what's wrong, what's okay. But as you say, it's communicating that. And first of all, tuning in, what do I think? What is okay, rather than a knee jerk reaction to any of it, what are my values, and then communicating them. And

Rachel Richards: 13:24

I think it's worth doing that before you get confronted with us, because this poor lady has obviously she started to see the Juggle coming towards her. What's amazing is that he's talking to her. Wow, well done. Great parenting. Because you've got a son who's even expressing these feelings. So don't panic. You're doing so well, there's an open communication there. He's not gone or sneaked off and done something or

Susie Asli: 13:45

dropped in on Alexa.

Rachel Richards: 13:49

Alexa, I can't hear you right now. Alexa, it's not working. It was interesting because I mentioned it to my husband, thinking we very, very similar in the way that we see things. And he said, I wouldn't be comfortable. And I said, interesting. Why? And he said, because I don't want to accelerate something beyond where it should be. So I wouldn't want to put them in that situation where maybe they're saying, Oh yes, we want it, and then suddenly they think, actually, this isn't what we wanted. Or would there's something rather fun about sneaking around.

Susie Asli: 14:19

Yeah. Interesting point, though. I mean, we like to think that they'd be sort of mature enough to just, you know, do whatever they feel to be, right? But

Rachel Richards: 14:26

I think he had those years when he was a teenager having to sneak around in his parents house, and that was rather exciting. And so maybe he's like, Well, you know. And one last point about this that really made me stop and think was when I was talking to another mother whose son is in this age range. She said, You do realize, don't you that when they turn 16, you have no access to their GP records, so you have no control. They can go to their GP and ask for any kind of help. They can ask for the morning after pill. They can you. Will not have access. So it's very well worth having these conversations before and realizing that if you come down hard on a teenager who's moving in that direction, you may find that they shut you out. Yeah, and

Susie Asli: 15:12

I want, and I've said to my my son and to her as well, she's really lovely. You know, if there's any I want them to feel that if there is an issue, if there's a problem, whatever, however big, however small, that, you know, my door and I don't have a door is open, they can, they can discuss it and and, you know, they think it's a little bit awkward, maybe, but I really hope, and I think they would, you know, if something happened, they would be a feel, they could have that conversation, because it's been an open, it's been a, hopefully, a nurturing space. Sure,

Rachel Richards: 15:40

sure, that's it for this episode. If you found it useful, do me a favor and send it to one person right now. You could also share it on social media, let me know what you think, or ask any questions at teenagersuntangled@gmail.com or you can also search all the old episodes at the website, which is www teenagersuntangled com, leave a review or even a voice message. It's great to hear from you. Have A great week. Bye. Bye. For now you