S03E18 The Practice Listening! Episode

Check-In:

• What was your favorite job? And why?

Big Ideas:

• move from shallow questions to deep questions
• freedom, pace, connection
• autonomy and connectedness are part of the motivational factors of humans
• autonomy within a group, leaning into the group rather than isolation
• independence, dependence, and interdependence
• 3 types of conversations - the practical conversation (What's this really about?) , the emotional conversation (How do we feel?), the social conversation (Who are we?)
• context matters and appreciate what type of conversation to have
• when we are having different types of conversation with others, there is a mismatch and information doesn't get through
• meta-communication - talking about the type of communication
• we communicate through our emotions 
• we aren't rational beings but emotional ones
• recognize the nuance of other people's communication, and ask questions about their emotions without becoming emotional myself
• exercise where Theresa shared something meaningful with another person, and that person was instructed to be completely indifferent - Theresa had a strong emotional reaction
• our bodies speak to us if we listen
• holding multiple emotions at the same time - even if they seem competing emotions
• the 3 types are all in a multidimensional space
• communicate about ourselves, about the relationship, and about what we want
• emotion comes from the relationship we have with ourselves and others
• communication is like an orchestra, and certain aspects of it play louder
• cognitive dissonance - when evidence goes against what we believe about ourselves
• confirmation bias - sort out information that doesn't vibe with who we think we are
• when social media feeds our biases
• learning about the full humanity of people, and seeing their values, beliefs, history, and let go of the data to reduce polarization
• people agree a lot more than we think
• when we can listen deeply in some contexts but not others
• teach people how to be curious and ask deep, profound questions
• political system is based on making arguments, not on asking questions
• how much our childhood plays a role in our communication skills
• how story-telling about what people say or don't say interferes with our relationships
• emotional expression in professional settings is not fully expressed
• if a lot of books have been written on listening, why do we still not listen well
• we fail to practice listening to the emotional and social aspects of conversation
• stereotype threat - prime yourself on your multi-dimensional roles to overcome the threat
• being a good talker doesn't make you a good leader
• the training and book doesn't do anything for you

Resources:

• Supercommunicators, by Charles Duhigg
• Friedemann Schulz von Thun, German Psychologist
• Nancy Kline's deep listening

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