Do Pickup Lines Actually Work?
I just received a pretty funny email from a friend I served with in Vietnam who apparently made the mistake of going out to a bar over the weekend and drinking way too much, and some of it reads like this:
“I haven’t been in a bar for more years than I care to count,” wrote my friend, “and the people I went with kept buying me free drinks, and like the idiot I am, I kept drinking them, and before I knew it, I guess I was making a complete fool of myself, including trying to get this guy who was behind the piano bar to play old Bob Dylan songs he had never even heard of before. You know, I used to be able to hold my liquor, but I guess those days are over. At least I had enough good sense to have someone drive me home. And in addition to it taking me forever to get to sleep because the room kept spinning around, I’m told I also tried to use a bunch of really tired pickup lines on some poor lady who had been sitting next to me. Believe me, that is the last time I ever step foot in a bar!”
Back when I was doing quite a bit of substitute teaching one of my students (I’ll call him John) suddenly came up to my desk and matter-of-factly asked, “Mr. Fisher, would you happen to know any really good pickup lines?”
“Pardon me?” I asked, sure that I had misunderstood him.
“You know,” he continued, “one of those pickup lines that a guy can use on a girl he’s never met before.”
“You mean like the kind of lines guys use in bars?”
“Yeah, that’s it.”
“Aren’t you a little too young to be hanging out in bars, John?”
“Oh, I don’t go to bars.”
“Then why do you need some pickup lines?” I asked.
“I’d rather not say, Mr. Fisher, but take my word for it, I really do.”
“I see.”
“I only need a couple of them, though,” said John. “Actually, I guess I just need one, if you’re sure it will work.”
“Well, John,” I tried to explain, “I don’t think there is such a thing as a fool-proof pickup line. But I think you’re asking the wrong person. I’m afraid I’m much too old and much too married to be of any help to you when it comes to pickup lines. But why don’t you give the Internet a try. They’ve got just about everything on there nowadays.”
“But I don’t have a computer, Mr. Fisher.”
“Well,” I finally said, trying to be the best substitute teacher possible, “I tell you what I’ll do. If I can remember, the next time I’m on my home computer, I’ll take a little look for you and see if I can come up with something.”
“Can you do it before the big dance next weekend?”
“I think so.”
“Thanks, Mr. Fisher! I was going to ask one of the real teachers, but I thought I would try you first.”
And here is some of what I was able to come up with for John:
· Are you bored enough to talk to me?
· My puppy would really love you.
· Your parents must be pyromaniacs, because you’re really hot.
· Do you mind if I stop pretending that I’m not staring at you?
· You don’t know me, but I think you really should.
· If I could rearrange the alphabet, I‘d put U and I together.
· Pardon me. I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
· Can I have a picture of you? I want Santa Claus to know exactly what I want for Christmas!
· Your dad must be a mechanic, because you have a really fine-tuned body.
· Can I end my next sentence with a proposition?
· And finally, the only pickup line I came across that I think might actually work on a pretty consistent basis: Hi, I’m rich, I really want to settle down and get married, and I don’t believe in prenuptials.
