Timothy (DM)
Welcome to Shadows of Prophecy, a D&D real play podcast, where we will find out what it takes to become a hero, face our darkest fears, and pull ourselves out of a pit of despair. Shadows of Prophecy is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast with violent themes and adult language. Listener discretion is advised.
Timothy (DM)
With us today to traverse through adventures of loss and tragedy. We have myself, Timothy, as our ambivalent DM; Helen as "No, not that bush" druid, Panret; Russell as "I'll try anything" Wild Surge Berzerker, Uprielyn Upri; and Kendrick as our designated driver, Monk Yonce Bey. Join us as we enter the Shadows of Prophecy. Prologue: A World Unravels. Chapter 7 - False Shepherd.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so where are we at? We're at the pursuers!
Helen (Panret)
The bad guys.
Timothy (DM)
Um, so the ones still has to make their Strength save to get out of the vines. They're going to succeed; they rolled a 19 again, and so everybody makes it 30 feet, and we're going to do our attacks on Yonce.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You don't have to.
Timothy (DM)
Mmmm, I would like to. So, one's gonna miss, the other is going to crit.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You are choosing violence today.
Russell (Upri)
[Helen gasps] Oh noooo.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[not groking the critical coming directly towards his face] Wait, what? Huh?
Timothy (DM)
So, we're gonna crit--
Russell (Upri)
[chanting horizontally from the hedge] First character death! First character death!
Timothy (DM)
--We're gonna crit, we're gonna crit on you with a quarterstaff.
Russell (Upri)
Oh no, you're gonna get wr- you're gonna get poked real hard. [laughs] NOO! Why did I say that?!? [Helen and Tim laugh]
Timothy (DM)
We're gonna poke you real hard. [Russell winces] 7 bludgeoning damage, and the other two pursuers do not catch up. So, we are good to move on. It is Panret's turn.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Also, Yonce is, like, almost, like, midway of, like, almost dying. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[lasciviously] Good. Great. Love it.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Can I use bacon as health potions?
Timothy (DM)
[smiling and laughing] No.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, so now you can say no? Okay, whatever. Choosing violence today. Fuck this. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[in a Superman pose] Panret, triumphant, over the hedge. [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Oh my gosh.
Helen (Panret)
--Feeling good, moisturized, in their lane, upright, not prone... is gonna Dash.
Timothy (DM)
Yes, do it. [laughs] I wish there was video for that just now. [laughs, Helen laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[laughing] The Superman pose.
Helen (Panret)
Looking confident!
Kendrick (Yonce)
With one stick in their hair.
Helen (Panret)
[staring into the distance] No hedge couldn't stop meee!
Kendrick (Yonce)
But can you please stop the two people trying to kill me?
Helen (Panret)
I'm catching up. I'm catching up.
Timothy (DM)
Aright, Upri: your turn.
Russell (Upri)
How much movement is it to stand up?
Timothy (DM)
It's half your speed.
Russell (Upri)
So 15. 1-2-3. And then I'm going to Dash 1-2-3-4-5-6. At this point, can we see Yon having trouble?
Timothy (DM)
Mmhmm, absolutely.
Helen (Panret)
So there's Yonce a bit ahead of us, still with feet in the thorny bushes with two pursuers right on top of them?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Kinky.
Timothy (DM)
They're in a little bit of a stick-y melee.
Helen (Panret)
We're in a pickle. Okay.
Russell (Upri)
All right. I have a bonus action. Oh shit, that's 30 feet. Okay, I'm gonna take the hand axe that I'm still holding in my left hand [Tim laughs] roll at disadvantage, and just yeet it and try to hit one of them.
Timothy (DM)
All right, yeah, 'cuz it's outside your effective range?
Russell (Upri)
It's at 55 feet, and the max range is 60 [laughs] but I have disadvantage. 11?
Timothy (DM)
11 is... going to hit!
Russell (Upri)
Yeeeee!
Helen (Panret)
Yayyyy.
Russell (Upri)
They take 6 slashing damage as it WHAPS into 'em outta nowhere from 55 feet away. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Past Panret!
Timothy (DM)
Holy. Shitttttt.
Helen (Panret)
Panret feels this, like, whiz past their head.
Timothy (DM)
[Tim makes impressive fwipping, spinning hand axe noises] I can't believe I just did that.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, that was impressive.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, right. Niccccce.
Russell (Upri)
We're coming, Yon!
Timothy (DM)
Man, I want to give you inspiration for that! That was great! And it is Yonce's turn.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm gonna notice the axe, and I'm going to book it. I'm going to dash 'cause I'm, like... now I don't.... 'cause I have blood from my side [Russell grimaces], but it was a strong poke.
Russell (Upri)
You should use your action to Disengage, so you don't get walloped.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Okay, I'm gonna Disengage and then can I get--
Timothy (DM)
Then you only have your 40 feet.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, that's fine. That's all I need. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. I get to collect $200! [cat noise and snaps; Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you disengage and you run. So, as you see the people collecting at the edge of town, you have to veer off into the residences and try to weave and bob through the huts. Give me a Stealth check.
Russell (Upri)
[quietly] Oh, no.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[sadly] I have to roll with disadvantage.
Russell (Upri)
So, we just see Yonce disappeared behind--
Timothy (DM)
Into the residences. Yeah.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got an 8.
Timothy (DM)
All right, an 8... [laughs] So, you SEE Yonce disappear into the residences, but you HEAR... [all laugh]
Russell (Upri)
*clink-clink-clink*
Timothy (DM)
--the clinking of their armor. [Russell laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Or rather, "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. " [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Is it chainmail?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, so you hear that the [clinking noise] the clinky little... rain stick noise that chainmail makes? Is that what it does? Yeah, it does. Totally. Anyways...
Helen (Panret)
Yeah, I definitely know what chainmail sounds like. [Tim and Russell laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[laughs] All right. So, the pursuers are going to... actually, all dash and try to converge on Upri--
Russell (Upri)
[dejected] Of course.
Timothy (DM)
So, move them all 60 feet towards ya.
Helen (Panret)
Okay: hedge.
Timothy (DM)
They got to do their hedge clearing all right. [laughs] They all--
Russell (Upri)
The formidable hedge [Tim laughs] that trips everyone!
Timothy (DM)
[laughs] The fucking hedge! They all fall prone in the hedge ,and there's just like a tangle of bodies in this hedge.
Kendrick (Yonce)
How was I the only one to make it past the hedge?!? They really should've cut that has gone when they had the chance. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
So, that uses up 15 of their movement, and can they get up and keep going?
Helen (Panret)
Yes, so then they'll go 15 more.
Russell (Upri)
So, the other two, they have to move past Panret to get to me; can Panret get an attack of opportunity on one of them?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, so make an attack of opportunity as this pursuer runs past... or both of these pursuers run past you.
Helen (Panret)
So, I roll in attack.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah.
Helen (Panret)
And I... do I add anything to that?
Russell (Upri)
What are you attacking with? [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Whatever your normal melee attack would be, yeah.
Helen (Panret)
A 15 to hit with a quarterstaff.
Timothy (DM)
Oh yeah, that'll do it.
Helen (Panret)
Which by the way is a branch.
Timothy (DM)
Yep.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, great. So, I hit. That is a 1d6+2. That's 7 bludgeoning.
Russell (Upri)
Damn.
Timothy (DM)
All right, they're looking not okay.
Helen (Panret)
So, it's kind of like if-if they're running past Panret, Panret just, like, rigidly holds out the quarterstaff kind of clothes-lined. [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[imitiating henchman] "Oh no" [dying sounds] "My neck..."
Helen (Panret)
And that hurts! [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Yes, it does. Remember the Red Rover days anybody? [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
No, I never did Red Rover.
Timothy (DM)
--before they got banned across the nation. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
What, clotheslining children is safe? [Helen and Tim laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Millennials really really went through the wringer. Wow.
Russell (Upri)
I was gonna say "Hey, we didn't see the Great Depression but we saw a recession."
Timothy (DM)
Nooo, we did. We saw one that was worse
Kendrick (Yonce)
And we saw a depression.
Russell (Upri)
Was it?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, it was technically worse.
Russell (Upri)
Ohhhh.
Timothy (DM)
Anywayyyys, um...
Kendrick (Yonce)
[to the audience] Political commentaries.
Timothy (DM)
They are going to try to grapple Upri...even though they just got clotheslined.
Helen (Panret)
Again!
Timothy (DM)
[wryly] Again, it's like they want Upri for something... [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
15.
Timothy (DM)
[sing-songy] I got a 20! Alright, so again, we got some people jumping on her. Make that Strength.
Russell (Upri)
22
Timothy (DM)
14. Do you--
Russell (Upri)
Get away ya damn rascal!
Timothy (DM)
--yeet another person off of ya?
Helen (Panret)
[laughs] He's trying to catch a barbarian? In rage?
Russell (Upri)
I think... I don't know, I forget how tall I was. Like, 6'5"?
Timothy (DM)
[laughs] No one said they had this planned out. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Helen (Panret)
Also, how tall is Upri?
Russell (Upri)
I think... I think I said 6'5". So, I'm really tall.
Timothy (DM)
You really are just, like, yeeting people off that are, like, jumping UP onto you. [all laugh] Like, get up on your shoulder, like wrap around you, and you're just like "Nahhhhh" [Helen laughs] [desperately] Panret, you're up.
Helen (Panret)
Panret is going to Ice Knife the two pursuers, who are currently, like, on top of Upri basically, which means I roll a SPELL ATTACK.
Timothy (DM)
[laughs] Yeah, ranged spell attack.
Helen (Panret)
[singing to self] And I know how to play Dun-geons and Drag-onssss! [Tim laughs] Do I add anything to the spell roll?
Timothy (DM)
Your proficiency modifier for your spell.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, that's an 11 to hit.
Timothy (DM)
An 11 will hit.
Helen (Panret)
OK. So, the Ice Knife hits. Now, there's two pursuers: do I hit one of them?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, you hit one of them.
Helen (Panret)
Can I just say like--
Timothy (DM)
Does it explode in radius?
Helen (Panret)
It does.
Timothy (DM)
Okay. There you go, so it hits one and then everyone in the area--
Helen (Panret)
So, it hits one. Can I say I throw it at the one that looks most injured?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, I throw it at the one that looks most injured, and they taaaaake piercing damage. That's 9 piercing damage.
Timothy (DM)
They're down.
Helen (Panret)
[Tim laughs] And then it ALSO explodes, okay? And that is a Dexterity saving throw.
Timothy (DM)
Alright.
Russell (Upri)
11.
Timothy (DM)
Does Upri have to make that?
Russell (Upri)
Yes.
Helen (Panret)
Yes.
Timothy (DM)
A 14.
Helen (Panret)
[sing-songy] I'm helpiiiiiiing! [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[encouragingly] You know what? You killed somebody, you KILLED somebody! Blood is on your hand.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, great, so they moved, and I got hit.
Russell (Upri)
[encouragingly] You did, you did!
Helen (Panret)
Save... the save is a 13--
Russell (Upri)
I failed.
Helen (Panret)
--so the pursuer passes, but Upri fails, which means Upri takes some cold damage.
Russell (Upri)
Which I cannot reduce.
Timothy (DM)
Oh, are we out of our rage 10 rounds?
Russell (Upri)
No rage is only for physical.
Timothy (DM)
[in a hoarse cowboy whisper] OOOOOHHH yeah. That's right.
Helen (Panret)
So, Panret is help-ing!!! That's 9 cold damage.
Russell (Upri)
Aw, SHIT! Pan-Pan, what the FUCK?!?
Timothy (DM)
Holy shit. That's a lot.
Helen (Panret)
[singing] Oh, noooooo. [Tim and Helen laugh] Uh-oh, noooo.
Russell (Upri)
Can we just say there's, like, an ice shard just stickin' in Upri's chest? [Tim laughs] "Aw, fuck! Pan, you got me! [Kendrick laughs] Shit..
Timothy (DM)
[jovially] It's goin' numb.
Russell (Upri)
[grunting in a hoarse voice] Oh, that does not feel good!
Timothy (DM)
[sighs] All right. Upri. It's your turn.
Russell (Upri)
This is my last turn of rage and then I have to reactivate it next turn.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[doing a sign of the cross] Good luck, everybody. [Helen laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Oh no!
Russell (Upri)
I'm gonna grab Fern with both hands 'cause I threw that... the handaxe, and I'm gonna WHAM on the one that's still up. "Come on, Fern!" 16?
Timothy (DM)
A 16 hits.
Russell (Upri)
10 bludgeoning damage.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, that is a [through strained voice] GOOD chunk of their health.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[incredulous] How strong are these people?
Timothy (DM)
[lawyerly] They vary. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I just want whatever weapons they have when they die.
Timothy (DM)
Quarterstaffs? [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes, I want one.
Russell (Upri)
M'other question: I still can use my chest beams, which is technically a ranged attack. So, if I'm adjacent, is it at disadvantage? Oh, but you're making a Con save, so that doesn't mean sense.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, there's no... it's only ranged attacks that are done with disadvantage.
Russell (Upri)
So, I'm gonna overhead swing *WHAM* right in the shoulder, and then *PYEW*, while she's here.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, Con saaaave. They faillllllll.
Russell (Upri)
6 radiant damage, and they are now blind.
Timothy (DM)
Yes, they are.
Russell (Upri)
Right in the eyes!
Timothy (DM)
How long are they blind for?
Russell (Upri)
Until the beginning of my next turn.
Timothy (DM)
Beginning of your next turn. All right, and when does your rage end? Is it at the end of this turn?
Russell (Upri)
Right now it ends.
Timothy (DM)
All right. I don't think I've ever seen a rage come to completion. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Well, uh, not to throw shade, but there was at one time, your first battle as a barbarian, that you raged, didn't attack anything because you didn't know that was a mechanic, and then it IMMEDIATELY ENDED! [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Oh yeah! [Russell laughs] That's right. That's a mechanic. That explains a lot of things about this chase scene. [laughs] You can't run away well raging; you gotta hit somethings...
Russell (Upri)
[sagely] Gotta attack, or be attacked.
Timothy (DM)
All right. Where are we at? We are at Yonce. So, you are in the residences.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Can I do a search to see if there's any, like, health potions in this...[Tim laughs] or anything that would help bring back maybe eight points of health?
Timothy (DM)
[totally earnestly] Yeah, there's a bunch of, like, clay jars sitting around?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[in a pleading voice] I don't know if you're being shady or not. [all laugh] I really hope you're not because I want... I'm being very "passionate" about getting health!
Helen (Panret)
[to the audience] Just so you know., Tim looked way too entertained when he said that. [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[in the wimpy voice] Like a meanie. What a meanie! Back to my character voice.
Timothy (DM)
This has been amazing for me.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[basso profundo] Wow, bringing.. bringing a character down.
Timothy (DM)
[lovingly exasperated] No, there are not just POTIONS sitting out for you take.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I mean, I'm in the village. So, there must be something that would help something, like...?
Timothy (DM)
Um, but what you do notice is that the village seems rather cleared out. Like nobody's around. Like...
Kendrick (Yonce)
[perceptively] Wow, this village is really cleared out, there's nobody around. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[laughs] Thank you for reiterating my words. So, it's rather quiet here, but you hear the voices at the edge of Ilrune. They're, like, basically rallying around the perimeter of the village.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Are they singing "Kill the Beast" from Beauty and the Beast? [Tim and Russell laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[looking at the lawyer in the room] No, because I don't want Disney to come for me. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
That's intellectual property. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
My bad.
Timothy (DM)
They will. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
That is true. But seriously; can I look around to see something that would help me, like, like, even, like, a piece of bread?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, give me an Investigation check.
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right. That's an eight.
Timothy (DM)
So, you are kind of scrambling around darting between buildings--
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm still being like, "Ow...ow...ow..."
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, holding your side, looking around, and... nothing. Closed doors, bushes, flowers, all the basic things that you saw the last time you were in the residences, like, less than an hour ago. Just no people.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughs] You're having way too much fun with this. [Tim laughs manaically] I'm going to in my thoughts be like "Wow, this is really difficult for no reason." [laughs] and just continue searching.
Timothy (DM)
It's like I have you in a holding pen. [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, I'm just gonna keep searching as everyone else goes to their turn and maybe one time I WILL find something [Tim sighs] but since I'm in a VILLAGE, maybe I won't find anything that will help me with my health because apparently VILLAGES don't have things that can help people with their HEALTH.
Timothy (DM)
I mean, if you want to take a short ressssst. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Do we, do we need a mediator?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughs] No, I'm good.
Timothy (DM)
[sassily] In the, like, twelve seconds you have before the rest of your party shows up. [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I will. I will take a short rest. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[comically exasperated] No! You're not getting a short rest!
Kendrick (Yonce)
[back to the whiny voice] Stop saying things that I can't doooo! It's not fair! [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
You need an HOUR of light activity.
Russell (Upri)
One turn is six seconds.
Kendrick (Yonce)
It's called a power nap. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Oh my gosh, my dreams.
Russell (Upri)
Season 2: coming out soon!
Helen (Panret)
So, you're like clutching your side, like "Oh, I only I had a place to lay down for a minute. I'll be fine." [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Exactly. I'm just gonna put a leaf on the blood. Hopefully, it will--
Timothy (DM)
You're like "I've seen Panret do this."
Kendrick (Yonce)
Exactly. [all laugh]
Russell (Upri)
What kind of leaf is it?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Not a purple one. [Tim laughs and sighs] Whatever. I had my turn, I'm done.
Timothy (DM)
All right, we got more pursuers. Or not more pursuers, we've got the pursuer.s They're-they're converging [singing] "Convergence of The Peoplllllle--"
Kendrick (Yonce)
That's very Avatar: The Airbender.
Timothy (DM)
[still singing] "And they're going to make grapplingggggg... attempts."
Kendrick (Yonce)
Damn.
Timothy (DM)
I don't know why I started singing; we're at THAT point this morning. [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
It was almost on key.
Russell (Upri)
Does that mean that the Whacky Waving Inflatible Arm Flailing Tube Man dance is next?
Timothy (DM)
Oh, maybe. [laughs] So, the highest I rolled was a 12.
Russell (Upri)
15. Bob and weave!
Helen (Panret)
So, there's four people attempting to grapple Upri right now?
Russell (Upri)
And I just got really good footwork.
Helen (Panret)
--and they fail.
Timothy (DM)
All of them fail.
Helen (Panret)
Okay.
Timothy (DM)
[laughs] They get in each other's way
Helen (Panret)
I just want to clarify that.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, yeah. [Helen laughs] You know, when too many people are trying to do a single task. It just... no one's communicating, we're moving too fast.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[Kendrick laughs] I've been in those experiences.
Helen (Panret)
It's like when you are sitting around a table, and two people reach for the chips at the same time.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, exactly that. That is exactly what is happening.
Russell (Upri)
Oh my god, and then two of them lock eyes with each other, realizing that they've had feelings all along?
Helen (Panret)
Their hands touch, and they don't pull away quite fast enough?
Timothy (DM)
And then they're all embarrassed because they're like, "Oh, no, I'm married, and you have, like, five spouses." Um...
Russell (Upri)
Oh, right. This is like a free love community, right? [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Season Two coming out soon. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
All right, so that is Panret's turn
Russell (Upri)
Pan Pan, go on, get. I'll be fine. I got this *WINK*.
Helen (Panret)
You just don't want me to cast Ice Knife again, probably.
Russell (Upri)
[dryly] Yep, maybe don't do that.
Helen (Panret)
[making a mental note] Okay, so "No Ice Knife"
Russell (Upri)
The most... the most damage I've taken so far has been from YOU, and not anyone else, so PLEASE don't hit me with magic again! [all laugh hysterically]
Helen (Panret)
[laughs] Oh my god.
Russell (Upri)
I had literally taken five damage, and then you just do nine to me! [Helen loses it]
Timothy (DM)
Too much too early.
Helen (Panret)
I'm gonna hit the person closest to me with a quarterstaff.
Timothy (DM)
All right, make your attack rolls.
Helen (Panret)
[confidently] 21.
Timothy (DM)
That will hit.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, I hit somebody, and it does bludgeoning damage. That's 6 bludgeoning damage to the remaining person in between me and Upri 'cause one of them is down already from the ice knife. [in a low ominous voice] The ILL FATED ICE KNIFE.
Timothy (DM)
They're lookin' really... they're-they're-they're-they're on their last leg.
Helen (Panret)
How many legs did they start with? [all laugh]
Russell (Upri)
If it's more than two, I'm concerned. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Or intrigued!
Russell (Upri)
Is one of them a centaur?
Timothy (DM)
[tiredly] They have two. They're limping a little bit. This is... what we're doing. Yep, mm-hmm. Yeah, we're running with that.
Helen (Panret)
I bet you wish you paid me so you could say I'm FIRED. [Russell and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Oof. Okay. Anything else on your turn, Panret?
Helen (Panret)
That's it unless I'm gonna hit him again.
Timothy (DM)
Probably not. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
They're just saying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughs] While hitting the person with the staff.
Russell (Upri)
Upri's gonna use her last rage [Hoo-WHEE]
Russell (Upri)
[to his dice] Please be a good one, pleeeeease be a good one. [Tim laughs] She rages and then you just see more vines shoot out of Fern into the ground, growing up all these tendrils, and everywhere around Upri within 15 feet is considered rough terrain.For enemies ONLY.
Timothy (DM)
Oh, no. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
For enemies only? [in a posh voice] Ohhhhh, very fancy. [Kendrick laughs]
Russell (Upri)
So, Pan Pan, you watch as the vines just kind of divert around you. [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Wow!
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, Fern's real gentle like that. [Kendrick laughs] And then I'm going to slam Fern rip her out of the ground and slam her into the guy in my way. A person.
Timothy (DM)
All right.
Helen (Panret)
So, the person in between me and you?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, the one that's really messed up and has one leg.
Timothy (DM)
Um, you have advantage because you're... I guess you're technically flanking.
Russell (Upri)
Thank God. Oh, oh.
Timothy (DM)
You're flanking in a chase scene!?! Yay! [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
That was not great. 12?
Timothy (DM)
12 will hit.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, and I'm two-handed again. 10 points of bludgeonin' damage.
Timothy (DM)
10 points will do it. They're down.
Helen (Panret)
We just beat the SHIT out of them. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Can I say that like--?
Timothy (DM)
That last leg is, uh, gone. You lop it right off.
Russell (Upri)
Can I... can I sweep low and, like, hit-hit them right in the knee so it snaps back [Tim winces in pain] and then they fall onto the vines, and the vinesjust cover the body, and like, you hear muffled screams as they disappear into the earth. [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh my god. Did you grab the quarterstaff before you did that?
Timothy (DM)
[Tim sighs] This is a horror podcast. So, yeah. 100%
Russell (Upri)
Oh, sorry about that Pan Pan. Fern gets a little hungry sometimes. At least her kids do.
Russell (Upri)
It's hard for me... don't worry about it. It won't hurt... it parts around. Just go! Keep goin'! [Helen and Kendrick laugh]
Helen (Panret)
What is happening?!?
Helen (Panret)
You hear Panret go "What. The. Fuck?"
Russell (Upri)
So they're gone. I feel like I can't leave you behind. So, even when they have difficult terrain...
Kendrick (Yonce)
You better start dashing.
Helen (Panret)
You just ATE somebody with vines. [Russell and Kendrick laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Yeah... all right. And then I position myself between Pan Pan and the other two.
Helen (Panret)
You flex?
Timothy (DM)
And flex again.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, flex. Flex right in the spot where that guy just disappeared into the ground. [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
All right, Yonce. [laughs] What are you doing in the village?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[sighs] Yonce is going to continue to look for anything that can help with their health.
Timothy (DM)
Give me a Perception check this time.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I bet even if I got a dirty 20, the answer will still be "no" [Helen laughs] 'cause that's the rules we're playing with today.
Helen (Panret)
[grounding Kendrick in reality] But you got a natural 1.
Helen (Panret)
And Tim would laugh.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 2! [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a nat 1. [laughs] Plus my one modifier.
Timothy (NPC)
Alright, so as you're making your way around the residences, you hear a voice. "Yonce, ohmigod, Yonce! Over here!"
Kendrick (Yonce)
[rolling their eyes] *UGH* Not you.
Timothy (DM)
And you start, like, whipping around, trying to figure out where the voice is coming from, but you can't pinpoint it quite yet.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[perceptively] Where's that voice coming from? I can't pinpoint it quite yet. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[without any malice] Thank you so much for doing that. [Kendrick and Tim laugh]
Helen (Panret)
[fearful] Oh my god, it's Ritt. She's gonna try to sell you some essential oils! [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[gasping] Hold on, I need a moment. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
We gotta be careful: our-our Keeper's gonna be asphyxiated from laughing too much! [all laugh] [Editor's note: a Keeper is the term for a DM used primarily in Cthulhu RPGs]
Timothy (DM)
[weakly] Okay, where are we at? [regaining composure] Pursuers! Pursuers. Okay, hey're gonna try to make two grapple attempts on Upri again as they converge! The Word of the Day: convergence. [Editor's Note: con·ver·gence | \ kən-ˈvər-jən(t)s \ (n.) the act of converging and especially moving toward union or uniformity]
Russell (Upri)
14.
Timothy (DM)
I got a nat 20.
Russell (Upri)
Shit.
Timothy (DM)
[chuckling] So, do that Strength check. [Helen laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh, I'm ragin' again though. Dirty 20.
Timothy (DM)
6. [Helen and Russell laugh]
Helen (Panret)
So, it's like... I picture, like, a trampoline. Like, they jump on and then just, like, rebound.
Timothy (DM)
They jump and just BOUNCE right back on. Oh my gosh.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Or they fall just close to you.
Timothy (DM)
And this has happened, like, what? 20 times at this point?
Russell (Upri)
Every single turn, yes. [Helen laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Okay, yes. Panret, what do you do?
Helen (Panret)
I--
Russell (Upri)
Go on, get!
Helen (Panret)
--am gonna run [Tim laughs] because I'm not helping. So, I Dash into the thorny bushes. which is just five.
Timothy (DM)
It is, but you can also make a Strength (Athletics) or Dexterity (Acrobatics).
Helen (Panret)
I'm just going to use the five.
Timothy (DM)
Alright. [Russell and Kendrick laugh] Beautiful. That brings us back up to Upri.
Russell (Upri)
Upri's going to book it, not disengaging, taking the attacks.
Timothy (DM)
All right, two opportunity attacks come in right at'cha. A 21 will hit, so we are going to do 6 bludgeoning damage.
Russell (Upri)
Which gets to halved to three.
Timothy (DM)
All right. All right. All right.
Russell (Upri)
There's that stick again. [Tim and Kendrick laugh] That's it?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, that's it
Russell (Upri)
Cool. [Helen and Tim laugh] and then I Dash. Then I make Athletics?
Russell (Upri)
Make that Athletics or Acrobatics.
Timothy (DM)
We're gonna go for Athletics.
Helen (Panret)
At the thorny bushes.
Russell (Upri)
That's a dirty 20.
Timothy (DM)
Dirty 20. So, you do not get impeded.
Russell (Upri)
And then I make it one space. Pat "yes", Pan Pan.
Timothy (DM)
I love that regular bushes were a struggle, but thorny bushes, it's fine. [Helen and Kendrick laugh] Don't worry, I was thinking clearly when I wrote this complication table.
Russell (Upri)
[wagging his finger] You didn't say I could use Athletics to run through the regular hedges.
Timothy (DM)
Nope. They were too tall. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
I mean, my track record speaks for itself. I could have just left an Upri-sized hole in it. [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
Like Kool Aid Man.
Kendrick (Yonce)
OH YEAH!!!
Timothy (DM)
All right. That brings us up to Yonce. [chipperly] Make another Perception check as you're trying to pinpoint where this "mysterious" voice comes from.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Since I'm flanked by villages, can I roll with advantage? [laughs] I'm just kidding. I gotta 6.
Timothy (NPC)
Yonce! Over here! Come here! No, not that way!
Kendrick (Yonce)
[sighs] Yonce walks over.
Timothy (NPC)
No, not that way. The other way, to your left. No, the other left.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[head hanging] Ritt, just come here.
Timothy (DM)
And that's when you feel a tap on your shoulder. [laughs] You whip around, and it's Ritt.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[groans] Hi, Ritt?
Timothy (Ritt)
You can hide in my house.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Do you have potions to help? I'm bleeding.
Timothy (Ritt)
I have more wine. Do you want some wine?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Can I use my bonus action to hit her with my Rihanna?
Timothy (Ritt)
Ex-cuse me??? [Kendrick laughs] I'm tryna to save your asssss. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[exasperated] Fine, I will go with Ritt, but I'm not excited about it.
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Why aren't you excited about Ritt??? Everybody loves Ritt, right?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Because Ritt is the reason why we're in this mess. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
They are not! ...Maybe? I don't know. [laughs] Anyways, let's move those pursuers 30 feet and then another 30 feet 'cause they have to Dash to catch up, but they're not gonna be able to attack.
Russell (Upri)
[pointing to the difficult terrain on the map] But minus.
Helen (Panret)
This is difficult.
Russell (Upri)
Yes, so this should've been 1-2-3-4.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, then y'all can... y'all this move.
Timothy (DM)
So, they don't make it to the Thorny Bushes. The other side of the thorny bushes stand between you... and... people [Kendrick laughs]
Russell (Upri)
And poky sticks.
Timothy (DM)
That was gonna be very really dramatic and then my brain just shat itself. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
I mean, it's terrifing to me!
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] The word "death" could have been used. Any word besides "people". [seriously] "It's between you... and people" [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
I could say "death", but then I was, like, "Yeah, these people are not gonna kill you. They're not capable of that. Not after what we've seen today" [Helen and Tim laugh]
Helen (Panret)
Between you and... another grappling attempt? [Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Another grappling attempt. Maybe a light stick?
Helen (Panret)
[laughs] Getting hit with a ruler?
Russell (Upri)
Oh no.
Timothy (DM)
Oh no.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Rulers hurt.
Timothy (DM)
Um, Panret. You're up.
Helen (Panret)
All right. Panret continues to run and finally makes it into the residences.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, so you make it into the residences, where you find Yonce and Ritt.
Timothy (Ritt)
Oh, Panret. So glad that you were able to join us.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, thank God, you made it.
Timothy (Ritt)
Where's Upri?
Helen (Panret)
Hopefully shortly behind me; we need to move.
Timothy (Ritt)
Oh, yeah yeah yeah, come on in.
Helen (Panret)
No, we need to, like, leave not, like--
Timothy (Ritt)
Don't worry. You can just hide... I have a basement and in it there's... I have a surprise for you.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I look at Panret. "I don't know if I'm gonna like the surprise." [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
Panret is speechless. "Ritt, we can talk about how this date went... later [Tim laughs, Russell winces] but right now, I'm feeling like maybe my trust in you is eroded a little bit. And we need to get the hell out of here. Also, I can cast Cure Wounds on Yonce? Is that something I can do right now?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, you can. That's a bonus action.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[Hulk voice] FINALLY! [Helen and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
No, it's not a bonus action. Oh, you haven't used an action. That's right. You haven't used an action? That's your action.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, great. It's a touch. So, Panret puts their hand, like, gently on Yonce's shoulder [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Do you pause right beforehand and, like, make eye contact?
Helen (Panret)
Yeah, actually I'm gonna go "Is it okay if I touch you?"
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes, enthusiastic consent.
Helen (Panret)
Okay. So, the Cure Wounds is going to do 1d8+5, which is 13.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I am back at full health.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm back at 24. Also, the reason I could run so slow is because the chain mail knocks my speed in half. I clicked it off, and it was like, 40. I'm, like, "Ah, there's the problem." [Editor's Note: Kendrick is referring to his DNDBeyond character sheet]
Russell (Upri)
Damn!
Timothy (DM)
Oh, I didn't know that about chainmail. I never wear...I don't think I've ever--
Russell (Upri)
[laughing] It's only if you're not proficient in the armor.
Timothy (DM)
Ohhh, it's only... okay.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Which I am not, so... we learned something new today.
Helen (Panret)
So we have... we have, like, a moment. Panret's hand is on Yonce's shoulder, they make eye contact, and Yoncee feels better, right?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Thank you. I needed that. I've been looking for potions throughout this whole village. Apparently, they don't have any [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[finishing Kendrick's through] --Lying around, just... [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[moving the game along] Let's move on. Let's move on. That's Panret's turn! [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
All right, we're back up to Upri.
Russell (Upri)
So, at this point, because Upri didn't do nothing last round, her rage would have ended. And she just sprints, catches up with the other kids.
Timothy (DM)
You make your way into the residences, and as you reach them, you see Panret, Yonce and Ritt standing in a circle.
Russell (Upri)
Upri's going to run into them, grab Ritt's face with her hand and just push him out of the way, them... [Helen laughs] and then say "Come on, we gotta go!" Like, with all my strength, I'm trying to throw Ritt to the ground.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yeah, fuck Ritt.
Timothy (DM)
[honestly very hurt] Oh my god!
Timothy (DM)
Just to remind everyone, the Steward said that she LIED to Ritt.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, I'm still gonna push him. [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
'Cause we don't know whether or not Ritt knew or not.
Timothy (DM)
Fine, get rid of Ritt, just... I'm not offended at all. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
You should be. [Tim sighs] Now, I'm just laughing at Ritt, just being...
Timothy (DM)
What are you doing? As you're standing around the village, you can still hear pursuers behind you, but now is a great opportunity for you to shake them off, so to speak.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, so we're here. [pointing to map]
Kendrick (Yonce)
In the residences.
Russell (Upri)
And we were coming from the circle?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, exactly.
Russell (Upri)
Alright, can we just book it through the residences into the forest land? The treeline?
Timothy (DM)
Yes. Except Beyonce. You remember that there's a bunch of people around the perimeter.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I won't do it again. [Tim and Kendrick laughs] "Wait, guys. There are a bunch of people around the perimeter" Yeah, I tell you that.
Timothy (DM)
[laughs] Didn't you say you're not gonna do it.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I lied. Trust broken.
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Trust broken. [Helen laughs]
Russell (Upri)
It gives me, like, "Galaxy Quest" vibes of Sigourney Weaver's character repeating everything to computer said. [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Oh my gosh. [muffled mumbling of Ritt]. You are pushing Ritt's face into the ground. They are kind of mumbling, trying to, like, grasp at your wrists. What are you all doing?
Russell (Upri)
I'm gonna let go of Ritt [Ritt coughs] and then I put my foot on him to push them back down while I stand up.
Timothy (Ritt)
Upri, Upri! Like, what are you doing? Let me up.
Russell (Upri)
Shush now: adults are talking. [to her pals] Alright, so what's the game plan?
Timothy (DM)
You need to get out of here? They're gonna get you!
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, no shit. What do you think we're doing?
Timothy (Ritt)
I have a place that you can hide.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, they're gonna find us.
Timothy (Ritt)
[whiny voice] No, they're not.
Russell (Upri)
Why wouldn't they, Ritt? [Kendrick laughs] Also, I do not believe a cent of that. A damn copper's worth of that.
Timothy (Ritt)
She lied to me! I don't... I don't understand what's going on either. I just... please let me help. I need to help.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yonce is going to look at Upri. "Let the poor yoga freak go."
Russell (Upri)
Alright, I take my foot off them.
Timothy (Ritt)
They kind of brushed themselves off. "I know you're upset, and we need to move quickly. I think I can get you out of here."
Russell (Upri)
Oh, like you have an escape and not just, like, a place to hide?
Timothy (Ritt)
[hesitantly]...Yes.
Russell (Upri)
Can I tell if he's telling the truth?
Timothy (DM)
Give a Insight check.
Russell (Upri)
9.
Timothy (DM)
A 9. I mean, they seem to tell you the truth.
Russell (Upri)
Anyone got any other ideas? Yon, Pan Pan?
Timothy (DM)
I mean, we need to go, like, nowwwwww.
Helen (Panret)
All right, we should probably just go. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes, but I look at Ritt. "If anything happens to one of us, I will personally hit you with my Rihanna."
Russell (Upri)
Fern will also make an appearance.
Timothy (DM)
Understood. Let's gooooo.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Stop waving your hand so damn much; it freaks me out.
Timothy (DM)
[dripping with sass] Sorry. [Kendrick laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Alright, c'mon.
Helen (Panret)
Let's gooo.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you all trail behind Ritt. They open the front door of their home. They slip inside. You all follow suit, I'm assuming?
Russell (Upri)
Close the door behind us.
Timothy (DM)
Close the door behind, um...
Kendrick (Yonce)
Is there a lock?
Timothy (DM)
Yes, they lock the door behind you.
Russell (Upri)
Is there a cabinet?
Timothy (DM)
There are cabinets
Russell (Upri)
[quickly] I knock one over in front of the door.
Timothy (DM)
All right. You knock the cabinet over--
Russell (Upri)
[quickly] Does one of them have china in it? [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
No, Ritt is not a china type of person.
Russell (Upri)
Whichever one has, like, open shelves: that's the one I tipped so it falls on the floor.
Timothy (DM)
All right, you do that--
Helen (Panret)
The most obnoxious one.
Timothy (DM)
[realizing the consequences of their actions] Oh shit, that's loud.
Timothy (DM)
--you hear the, like, clanking of all the drawers as they'rre like *PWFP PWFP PWFP PWFP* fallen out, collapse in front of the door, a lot of banging.
Timothy (DM)
--and Ritt is quickly making their way to the center of their dining table, where they lift a rug, and there's a trapdoor underneath. They open the trapdoor, and they kind of motion on over to all of you, and then they start descending down into the basement.
Russell (Upri)
This again? [Tim laughs] Alright, I went second last time, one of you go.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'll go first, but before I do, are there any weapons around that I could take? Like a sword or quarterstaff 'cause I feel like we may--
Helen (Panret)
[grounding Yonce in reality] Ritt is a yoga instructor. [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I don't know; the yoga mat could have blades in it.
Timothy (DM)
You see there are, like, these weird wooden rectangles.
Helen (Panret)
Also something that you're pretty sure is a sex swing.
Timothy (DM)
Yep, definitely a sling of sorts. [Russell laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Is it wire? Maybe you could make a garrote out of the...
Kendrick (Yonce)
That's a lot of work. So, I just walk down the stairs.
Helen (Panret)
We're-we're running. We're running--
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, everyone make a Stealth check.
Helen (Panret)
I don't think there's time for MacGyvering. 3!
Russell (Upri)
Dirty 20
Timothy (DM)
We got a... we got a long face over there. 6?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Can I take off my chain mail? [laughs] Put it in my bag?
Russell (Upri)
It'll take 10 minutes.
Timothy (DM)
You can; it takes 10 minutes to doff.
Kendrick (Yonce)
No, I'm not gonna.
Timothy (DM)
Doff! Word of the Day. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh, we've moved on to... from the last one.
Timothy (DM)
We've moved on from "convergence". We have multiple Words of the Day here. "Doff": it's the Word of the Day, regardless. It takes 10 minutes according to the Player's Handbook,
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, I'm just not going to, and I'll accept the fact that I'm going to be noisy as fuck.
Helen (Panret)
Your Stealth check was still better than mine.
Timothy (DM)
Yep, still better than Panret's. And no, there are no weapons laying out in Ritt's house. They are a pacifist, of course.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Ick.
Helen (Panret)
AND a vegan.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Even worse.
Timothy (DM)
[laughs] Butt not the vegan that doesn't eat honey. Like, not that vegan.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[singing] So they're a filthy vegan!
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, 'cause that's not possible in Ilrune [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
So, Panret has a 3 for their Stealth check.
Timothy (DM)
Cool. Cool, cool.
Helen (Panret)
So, they're going "HIIIII-DINNNNNG. [Tim laughs] Need to hiiiiide! [whispers] hiding!"
Russell (Upri)
[furious whisper] Pan Pan, you need to be quiet! Pan, c'mere! Zip, zippit!
Timothy (DM)
All right, so Ritt is already in the basement. What are you all doing?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I go down. I first hug Panret to kind of calm her down. Be like "It's gonna be ok." and then I go in, you hear the chainmail *CHH CHH CHH CHH CHH CHH* And I look, I look at myself. *CHH* [all laugh] *CHH CHH CHH CHH*
Helen (Panret)
Just your armor.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Exactly.
Timothy (DM)
Alright.
Russell (Upri)
[morosely] We're gonna die. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[laughing] That's why we should run. All right, we get... we're goin' in the basement.
Russell (Upri)
And I go in last, closin' the hatch in a way that I can pull the rug back over it.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you give me a Sleight of Hand check to see how deftly you do that.
Russell (Upri)
[airhorn noises]. That's a 5.
Timothy (DM)
All right, that's a.... that reaction and the roll did not match. [all laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Correct!
Helen (Panret)
I thought it was gonna be like an 18 or something.
Timothy (DM)
Nope. Alright, so you kind of try to pull the rug over, but, like, you're struggling. It's fine. Close the door, and you see that Ritt is holding a little gas lantern, and there is a tunnel under their house.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, shit.
Helen (Panret)
Ritt, why do you have a tunnel?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Did you not know about this? Y'all are friends.
Helen (Panret)
I mean, like, we don't go in each other's BASEMENT. [all laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Like, what your daddy be doing? What is it? What is this for?
Timothy (Ritt)
Oh, I don't live with my parents. This is my house.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, double shit.
Timothy (Ritt)
You know, like, we're not supposed to be out of the village limits after dark.
Russell (Upri)
You dug this yourself?
Timothy (Ritt)
[coyly] Maybe...
Helen (Panret)
[grasping at words] What do you need...but what do you need? What? Why?
Timothy (Ritt)
I just... I just don't want to be... I don't know. I-I've got to do some things, and like, you know, sometimes that involves going out after hours after curfew.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Have you ever just thought of just moving out of Ilrune?
Timothy (Ritt)
No, I love it here. Well... I did... Oh, gosh, I have to revisit that.
Russell (Upri)
[looking at their watch] Uh, we should keep moving. [Kendrick and Tim laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
A+ acting.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, let's at least power walk.
Timothy (Ritt)
Right this way, yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, swing 'em hips.
Timothy (Ritt)
We can move quickly, right?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm gonna Dash. [Helen and Tim laugh] Naruto run out of this fucking tunnel. [Editor's Note: Naruto is a very fast runner from Japan]
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you all start running down the tunnel, but you don't know where it goes. Ritt seems confident that it's gonna be a good thing, and it maybe goes on 20 or 30 feet before you reach a ladder.
Helen (Panret)
Ritt, where does this ladder go?
Timothy (Ritt)
Um, I mean, it just goes right on outside the border of the town.
Russell (Upri)
Alright, stay put you two
Timothy (Ritt)
So, it should technically put us, like, near the creek-ish. No, that's not... we're not there yet, um...
Russell (Upri)
Upri takes a peeksy-weeksy.
Helen (Panret)
[massaging their temples] You don't know where your own secret tunnel goes? [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Like, it's...it's near the creek but, like, maybe that's... saying "near" is probably a little bit hyperbolic. It's probably, like, more by the Corridor of Offerings. You know that one?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughs] As we all look down.
Helen (Panret)
[robotically] Let me consult my map [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
I don't see no.
Helen (Panret)
Oh, yes. The Corridor of Offerings. It's east of the town hall.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, fuck.
Timothy (DM)
[to the camera] Handouts. [all laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
The third Word of the Day.
Timothy (DM)
Third Word of the Day. Wow, we're really collecting a dictionary over here.
Kendrick (Yonce)
We're like a Wordle in this bitch. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Which will no longer be relevant when this airs. [all laugh]
Russell (Upri)
So, once we get past the creek, we're in the clear, Ritt?
Timothy (DM)
Um, maybe? I mean, I'm assuming that, like... I don't know! I don't know what they're doing! I'm just as new as this...[stammers]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I walk over to Ritt and slap the shit out of them. [coldly] "Get yourself together."
Helen (Panret)
[shocked] You guys are just hurting Ritt.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You're freaking out and all our lives are in danger.
Timothy (DM)
Give me a Persuasion check.
Kendrick (Yonce)
That's gonna be a 7. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (Ritt)
[whiny] Owww, what was that for?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I slap her again.
Russell (Upri)
No!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Get it together.
Russell (Upri)
Yon, keep it together.
Timothy (Ritt)
Stop it. Just go up the fucking ladder, alright? I don't know.
Russell (Upri)
Thank you, Ritt. You can go back.
Timothy (Ritt)
I don't fucking know! Maybe... [angry whisper] I don't want to be here as much as you dooooo!
Kendrick (Yonce)
I do a calming...I put my hand on her face like "It's okay. *chh-chh-chh-chh* like what you do with a baby to get them to sleep *chh-chh-chh-chh* It's ok."
Timothy (Ritt)
Hold on, hold on, hold on. *breathing in* [does yoga] Arms up, and!
Kendrick (Yonce)
I learned this in the monastery.
Helen (Panret)
Do you know babies?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Maybe?
Timothy (Ritt)
Swan dive
Russell (Upri)
Upri climbs the ladder.
Helen (Panret)
Ritt's doing a little sun salutation?
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Yes, Ritt is doing a sun salutation.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yonce's walking up the ladder being like "These fucking freaks."
Helen (Panret)
Panret's like, [preschool teacher voice] "Okay, goooood. Goooood. Let's all get on the ladder."
Timothy (Ritt)
Down dog! [laughs] Up dog!
Russell (Upri)
Upri very subtlely opens the hatch and peeks outside.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so Upri, as you reach the top of the ladder, you push open a door, and you, like, see dirt kind of falling from the edges of the door, and you see some, like, moss hanging over the edge, so Ritt had concealed this exit, and you look around, and you survey the area, and you see some things. So, you see lots of trees, underbrush, all that sort of stuff, but then you also see this kind of, like, pathway that is kind of lined with lots of different flowers, and then off a little distance, maybe 20 feet or so, you see a large stone statue. You recognize this statue from some of the ones you saw on your way into Ilrune that were kind of, like, scattered throughout the forest. They are the depiction of a woman with long curly hair, draped fabrics, and, like, a very dramatic pose [laughs] with lots of, like, offerings around her, so you saw a bunch of these on your way into Ilrune, but you don't see any people.
Russell (Upri)
"Alright, it's clear." I open the hatch and climb out.
Timothy (DM)
All right.
Helen (Panret)
We follow.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, we climb out.
Russell (Upri)
Which way, Ritt? Five words or less. [Kendrick and Tim laugh]
Timothy (Ritt)
Ritt can't do that, um. "Uh, I mean that-that way, like, is probably--"
Russell (Upri)
"Ok, that's your quota," [all laugh] and Upri starts walking that way.
Timothy (DM)
So, as you are walking off to the east, which is the direction they pointed, I need you all to make a Charisma saving throw.
Helen (Panret)
14.
Kendrick (Yonce)
11.
Russell (Upri)
19.
Timothy (DM)
Alright...
Kendrick (Yonce)
Fair, I'm not very charismatic.
Timothy (DM)
And I should probably roll for Ritt.
Helen (Panret)
Yes?
Timothy (DM)
5. [Helen and Tim laugh] So, everyone except for Upri starts to feel this, like, warm tingly sensation as all of their fears drain out from their body, and they feel calm, and not only calm, they feel this... like a lure as they're being drawn towards the statue.
Kendrick (Yonce)
"OOO. That statue over there." and I just walked towards it.
Helen (Panret)
What if... what if we touched the statue?
Russell (Upri)
But, no, we got
Kendrick (Yonce)
I wanna touch it.
Helen (Panret)
You wanna touch it?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Let's touch it.
Russell (Upri)
[momly] We gotta go.
Timothy (Ritt)
[sensual whisper] Oh, yeah. Oh, the Goddess is greaaaaat.
Russell (Upri)
What the fuck is wrong with y'all. Come on, we have to get!
Timothy (Ritt)
Noooo, but don't you see her? Look at... as she gazes upon us.
Russell (Upri)
I mean her tits are just "okay". Now, let's go.
Timothy (Ritt)
She's just so beautiful.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So beautiful.
Russell (Upri)
All right, I ignore Ritt, and I grab Pan Pan and Yon by the collars and drag them away with me.
Helen (Panret)
One in each hand.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah.
Kendrick (Yonce)
"No, I want to touch the Goddess" and I start doing hand motions like Ritt.
Russell (Upri)
You can do that when we get home.
Timothy (DM)
Give me contested Strength rolls against Upri.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a...
Russell (Upri)
One roll for both, or?
Timothy (DM)
Mm-hmm.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got an 11.
Helen (Panret)
I got a 14.
Russell (Upri)
I also got an 11.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you have a higher Strength modifier...
Russell (Upri)
I can't use my inspiration retroactively, can I ask? Has to be before my roll?
Timothy (DM)
As long as you use it bef-- I don't actually know. I think it's before I tell you what happens. I think, I don't know.
Helen (Panret)
So, you can do it EXACTLY right now.
Russell (Upri)
I'm using my inspiration. Oooooo *boop-boop-boop-boop-boo* 22.
Timothy (DM)
22; Alllll right.
Helen (Panret)
So, yes, Upri is stronger than us.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Let me goooo-wuh.
Timothy (DM)
So, yeah, Upri is much stronger than everyone apparently, um, and you start yanking them away. You see Ritt continues walking towards the statue. Both of your party members are, like, fighting you all along the way.
Timothy (DM)
Like, where are you going? Where are you dragging them to?
Russell (Upri)
The way Ritt originally pointed: east.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you start dragging them east. The two of you: make another Charisma saving throw.
Helen (Panret)
17.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Nine.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so as Upri starts pulling you away, Panret, you shake out of it, and you're just, like, you feel like a cloudy mind, as if like some sort of charm was placed on you.
Timothy (DM)
Ohhhhh [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Wait, I have advantage against being Charmed and magic can't put you to sleep.
Timothy (DM)
You dooo. Sounds fair. So, roll that again and see what you get.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[Russell winces] 2. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
A 2. Nope. Yonce is still enthralled by the beauty of the Goddess.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[dreamily] Now, I see what Ritt's talking about.
Helen (Panret)
Panret like shakes it off, and then like "Upri, let go. Let go, ok. I'm good, I'm good."
Timothy (Ritt)
Isn't it great, Yonce? Oh my goooood.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yonce's feeling it. Yonce is all on your mouth like liquor.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, so now Panret is gonna, like, push kind of from behind to keep Yonce moving.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Let me goooo. I just want to touch the Goddess--
Helen (Panret)
No, no we can touch the Goddess later. Let's go!
Russell (Upri)
Yeah.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[Ritt voice] I want to do it now!
Russell (Upri)
Too bad!
Kendrick (Yonce)
No, you guys are just interrupting my vinyasa flow. Get away from me. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
I don't know what that means.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Neither do I; it just sounded cool when it came out of my mouth.
Timothy (DM)
And that's when you hear a rustle in the bushes behind you. As you turn around to see a town's member kind of stumbling forward, their face... Give me an Insight check, actually. Everybody give me Insight check me.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Even me?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah.
Helen (Panret)
14.
Russell (Upri)
19.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 15.
Timothy (DM)
Okay, so Upri, you notice that they seem anguished, like they're kind of sad and kind of in... not pain, but discomfort... and their body is kind of lurching forward towards the statue, and they look at you, and they start to speak.
Timothy (Enthralled Person)
[tremorously] Please, I BEG of you. Let us complete the cycle. Y-y-you don't know what you are upsetting. [heavy breathing]
Russell (Upri)
"No offense, because I don't really know you that well., but uh, I'm gonna rule on this one that my life is more important than yours. So, toodles!" and I keep goin'
Kendrick (Yonce)
Let me and goooo-wuh.
Timothy (Enthralled Person)
I can't stop it! It's taking me. [heavy breathing]
Russell (Upri)
You lay in the bed you make. Bye!
Timothy (DM)
And as they're starting to, like, shake [Russell: "Oh fuck"] and convulse, you see their skin starts to split [Russell winces] and crack and peel off of their arm--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[intrigued] Ooo.
Russell (Upri)
[urgently] We break into a run.
Timothy (DM)
You hear... you start running and all you can hear behind you is the cracking of bones.
Timothy (DM)
And that is where we will put a pause on today's story. Thank you all for joining us for a plunge into the abyss. I hope you all enjoyed this episode of Shadows of Prophecy. Join us next time to find out what becomes our var unfortunate players in this most dreadful act.
Timothy (DM)
Shout out to my brother known as the chill electronic vapor soul artist LUSQ for writing our chillingly epic theme song; editing by Scrubcast; and a big shout out to Syrinscape for some amazing atmosphere and music. Make sure you check them out at syrinscape.com I always use them at my game table, and it adds that little something special to bring your players into the story. Also, please follow us on Twitter @shadowsprophecy and Instagram at shadows_of_prophecy. And hey, show us some support by becoming one of our fabulous patrons@patreon.com/shadowsofprophecy, where you can get access to bonus content like handouts, encounter maps, and even adventure guides to run your own horrific campaigns or one-shots. And at the very least, give us a five star review on your podcast platform of choice. This is how we get the word out about our podcast, and we love sharing it with you all. Thank you, and tune in next time for more tales of dread and despair at Shadows of Prophecy.