387. 5 Big Stones For Effective Fatherhood With Nick Adams

Have you ever wondered what it takes to be the dad your kids need? Join us as Nick Adams, author of "Being the Dad You Wish You Had," drops invaluable gems on fatherhood, underpinned by Christian values. From engaging personal stories, including an epic win of a car in an endurance contest, to practical advice, this episode is a treasure trove for any dad aiming to leave a lasting, positive impact on their family.

For full show note details, go to the episode webpage:
https://thelionwithin.us/podcast/387-5-big-stones-for-effective-fatherhood-with-nick-adams/

As men, we navigate different seasons, seeking guidance to conquer obstacles while remaining steadfast. Discipleship Masterminds is the environment where you not only receive invaluable insights to overcome challenges but also gain profound guidance on the path to becoming the leader God uniquely designed you to be.

Get started today by starting your free trial of the community here.

Get started for free with our 30 Day to Unleash the Lion Within series
In just 30 days, you'll embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth. This free resource offers a series of messages, with proven methods to simplify and apply God's Word to your life, empowering you to be an effective leader.  Visit thelionwith.us/unleash to get started for free today.  

Transcript

Chris Grainger: 1:46

Welcome to the Lion Within Us, a podcast serving Christian men who are hungry to be the leaders God intends you to be. I'm your host, chris Granger. Let's jump in. All right, guys, it's your meat episode time. I'm excited to have you here, so let's get right into it.

Chris Grainger: 1:58

So the scripture of the week this week is Zephaniah 317,. Okay, the Lord, your God, is with you, the mighty warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you, in his love. He will no longer rebuke you but will rejoice over you with singing. So, guys, go back and listen to the spiritual kickoff episode.

Chris Grainger: 2:21

We took some time to unpack that, to see how you can simplify and apply that to your life. Okay, and this episode today is just important. It's one we need to be talking about a lot and one we're going to continue to talk about a lot because this stuff matters. We're going to be talking about how you need to be the dad that you've been called to be, and what we had come in is this gentleman named Nick Adams. He reached out to me and he recently published a book, and it's called being the dad you wish you had five big stones for effective fatherhood, and he's worked with students and and young people for over 30 years and the wisdom and insight that he brought to this conversation is just phenomenal. He instilled all this stuff down to this one book, and we we don't talk about all five principles, guys, we unpack about three of them. But it's just really a wonderful because he's showing us practical ways where we can lean in and just take up the responsibility that we've been given when we've been given that honor to be a father.

Chris Grainger: 3:18

Okay, and so he's a. He's a successful guy. He's got several small businesses. He has a youth camp for Christian youth. He he's worked in youth ministries for a long time. He's got four kids, two adult daughters. He got two sons in middle school. So he's just, it's a busy, busy guy. We had a lot of fun unpacking this conversation, so hopefully you guys can enjoy this one. Uh, sit back for you dads out there, take some notes, pay attention. This is some areas that uh, nick unpacks, that we try to explore together. That will serve you well in your journey as a father. So enjoy this conversation with Nick Adams. Well, nick, welcome to the Lion Within Us. How are you doing today, sir?

Nick Adams: 4:01

I'm doing fantastic. It's great to be with you.

Chris Grainger: 4:04

Absolutely so glad to have you here, and I appreciate you taking the time to send me a copy of your book. I thoroughly enjoyed it and looking forward to just unpacking this conversation with you, so maybe give a start. I saw something fun, though.

Nick Adams: 4:16

What's something about you that not many people know, Nick when I was considerably younger man, 30 years ago, I put my hand on a car that was 50, given away to whoever could have their hand on it the longest. 50 of us started with our hand on it and, like three days later, I still have my hand on that car and won the thing. So that's something that not everybody knows about me. I'm stubborn, you said three days. Yeah, we started Friday, so that's something that not everybody knows about me. I'm stubborn. You said three days.

Chris Grainger: 4:52

Yeah, we started Friday night and ended Monday night. Oh, my gracious, all right. So what kind?

Nick Adams: 4:58

of car, was it? Oh, it wasn't anything special. You'd hope to have been something really special, but that was like a Chevy celebrity.

Chris Grainger: 5:06

But you were determined man.

Nick Adams: 5:10

Myself and a friend of mine did it together. He needed a car, and so we both got into this contest and we figured that between the two of us we could encourage each other and then, hopefully, one of us would win it and he could have it. And so that's, that's what happened.

Chris Grainger: 5:25

So I mean the, the, the final. It was down to you and one person. What happened? Did they just fatigue set in or they just went to slip and actually let their hand off of it?

Nick Adams: 5:34

Yeah, and for some reason, like right at the end, I got this just real rush of energy and enthusiasm. And we got to take breaks every three I can't remember every so many hours. We got to take a five minute break and so we come back off this break and I was just really energized. And so he's like how are you doing? I'm like, oh me, like I wasn't trying to psych him out, I just really felt great. And he's like, ah, and he just picked his hand up and walked off had a fight.

Chris Grainger: 6:14

He didn't know what he was getting into with you. A lot to your personality right there, nick that's what it sounds like you're.

Nick Adams: 6:16

You are a determined individual. Well, I I think there is some truth to that well, let's get into it.

Chris Grainger: 6:21

I mean, you wrote this phenomenal book, being the dad you wish you had five big stones for effective fatherhood, and just would love for you to to unpack this. And also what. What led you to even want to go down a path of writing a book like this? There's some heavy content here, so what led you down this path?

Nick Adams: 6:40

Yeah, you know I have worked in business and lots of different environments with men, and I've worked in the church, I've worked in businesses, and one of the things that I've seen just over and over and I've said over and over is he's a really good guy, he's got a lot of potential, he's got a lot of opportunity. His only problem is he was raised by wolves. He just doesn't know how to live life. He doesn't have the live life he. He doesn't have the. It's not the skills for the job he's missing, it's skills for life he's missing, and it's because he was raised by wolves.

Nick Adams: 7:15

I've said that just through the years and you know I've tried to help kind of add to my employees and to build them and to, you know, provide some of those things that they've lost in life and and so that's kind of the background. And then one night we're sitting at the diner table having supper and we were doing conversation starters and my son read the conversation starter, which was if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? And I mean immediately. I knew if I could change one thing in the world, what would it be, and I mean immediately. I knew if I could change one thing in the world, I would create a world where we had effective fathers, because if I could create effective fathers, I'd change the world, and so that kind of became the genesis of the book. It's just like, okay, that really resonated. That is something I need to do, to, to, to help fathers be more effective than their parents 100, and I'm sure I mean when I read the book too.

Chris Grainger: 8:13

There's there's some of your personal story, your personal tie into this, so would you, would you mind unpacking some of that as well, because I'm sure that led into a lot of this sure, yeah, I mean my father, my father.

Nick Adams: 8:28

I had a very, uh, rough relationship, uh, but that time I was 12, my dad showed up in a church parking lot and he was intoxicated and had a gun and he thought my mom was cheating on him, that she was going to church, then going out with somebody after, and so we didn't come straight home from church, we got out to eat and he was enraged.

Nick Adams: 8:51

And so he's there drunk in the parking lot with a gun and threatens to kill my mom and I, and which I've kind of said a couple of times to folks.

Nick Adams: 8:59

I'm not really sure why I was going to get killed and you know I'm not sure what it was I had done in that scenario, but at any rate he was pretty much out of his mind and so we had to hide in the back of a car and were driven out of the area quickly and then we hid from him for months and you know that was the beginning of some very rough times for me personally and then, of course, for mine and his relationship, um, probably from the time I was 12 until I was in my mid 30s.

Nick Adams: 9:34

You know the relationship was really rough. I would see him after we got to the place that mom and I were comfortable with me even being with him. You know I see him once a week while I was in middle school and then in high school it was once a month and then after I got out of high school it was probably once a quarter. But then after I had kids, he got real interested in being more involved in my life. He loved my kids and wanted to be around the grandkids. So there began to be a process of healing and reconnecting and and that then turned out really to be a lifelong process.

Chris Grainger: 10:14

Wow, I mean, it sounds like this. That's a whole lot there for sure. So I mean, how did you first respond when he wanted to start coming around your kids now I mean, that's a, that's a whole new dynamic there.

Nick Adams: 10:25

It is. But you know, by then he and I had I had been with him enough and had reconnected enough. We didn't have a deep relationship, but I was comfortable with him and and knew he was uh, at least in that stage of his life harmless. You know, one of my, one of my fears growing up was that my dad would kill somebody because he had an explosive temper. He typically carried a gun, and so that was always one of my fears as a child, and even since my teen years, is that he ended up in prison. But you know, by the time I was in my 20s and 30s that was really a thing of the past. He aged and mellowed uh, I wasn't. I was really glad he wanted to be in my kids lives and he's glad they got that opportunity and I felt like they were really good for him.

Chris Grainger: 11:17

So yeah well, how did that healing work for you and him? I mean that's a talk about traumatic story. I mean you're on the floorboard of a car. I mean he's, that's a traumatic story. I mean you were on the floorboard of a car. I mean that's a. Did you guys ever address that directly? You?

Nick Adams: 11:32

know we didn't really address it directly until toward the end of his life. Okay, and kind of what happened is, as we just reconnected and you know, obviously I had to do a lot of personal work of just forgiving. Obviously I had to do a lot of personal work of just forgiving and I remember just it crashed in on me in my late 20s that I have anger issues, and so my late 20s it just really kind of crashed in on me that part of my anger is unforgiveness toward my father, and not just my father but toward my mother and my father, because my childhood was just stolen from me. I didn't get to have what every child should have, which is a safe environment to grow up in, and uh, and so I you know that began a process of me working on forgiveness and working through forgiveness, and so that was the first part of he and I really connected. On a deeper level was me coming to the point that I could just acknowledge, man, I really got the raw end of the deal and I got messed up and I've got some stuff going on inside that is directly related to the dysfunction of my parents and and that's not okay, but it is what it. And so I've got to forget that and figure out how to move forward.

Nick Adams: 12:48

And so the internal work was first. And then, you know, it was my dad and I just had more time together and you know we'd have been with the grandkids and there was more of a connection there. And then toward the end of his life he ended up with cancer and lung cancer and bad heart and just he couldn't continue to live with it and so I moved him into my home and he lived with me for the last six months of his life and that was really the point, that there was a whole lot of healing and we have a lot of good, deep conversations and things he wished he hadn't done, and you know, just some real healing. And I thought mistakenly, I was like, oh, that's great, you know, we got the end of all wrapped up and got a nice bow on it and so now I can go on with my life and everything will be good.

Nick Adams: 13:43

But what I really found out is that and it's part of what's in this book is that the impact of your father just never goes away, right, and whether that was positive or negative, or whether you work through the issues, that man is still impacting my life today, for good and for bad, and so that's been a great, just realization for me. Okay, yes, and so that's been a great, just realization for me. Okay, yes, a number of years ago, dad passed and I worked through stuff and really don't feel any issues toward him at this point in my life. However, his life has impacted me and I think one of the beautiful things to me, chris, is that you know I've got a traumatic story of my relationship with my father, and yet I can just list you all kinds of positive things that are in my life because of my thought.

Nick Adams: 14:40

And and I think so much of the time we get just focused on the negative and the hurt and the pain and what we've got to heal from. But but this man who was, I mean, pretty dysfunctional, really would not be on your list of you know out of the year awards and yet, when I look back, he has left me a positive legacy, if I'll open my eyes a little bit Really.

Chris Grainger: 15:09

Well, I mean, unpack some of that, because I'm just curious. I mean, obviously I'm very interested too. Where did you get your discipleship from around this for fatherhood? Because this book lays out some extremely great principles, but I mean the legacy that he left. Give us some examples there. Where did you see it showing?

Nick Adams: 15:29

up. Yeah, well's, it's things like my father was very generous and when he it, my dad didn't have anything that he was. He was a we call him a dirt farmer in tennessee and it just means he, he really. He never had any kind of substantial material goods and just kind of lived from week to week. But what I watch over and over in his life is he would give to people.

Nick Adams: 15:59

I never passed the Salvation Army back to my dad that he didn't put money in when he was a big bowler and as a job he was a mechanic for a bowling alley. He worked on the machines in the back and so I was in the bowling alley a lot and so if I was in the bowling alley with him, I just remember so distinctly one day something had happened to one of the friends that came into the bowling alley all the time and they were taking up a flick and you know I was probably 10, 11, something like that and my dad with who I know just doesn't have any money, brings this into his wallet and pulls out a $100 bill, which I gasped. I mean I still gasp thinking about it, because for him at that time that was an enormous amount of money about it, because for him at that time that was an enormous amount of money and and it just it impacted me so much that he he would always say to me he said you know that people always have it harder than you do. People always have less than you. Make sure you take care of people. People got less than you and and so that has just resonated for me. I mean, we have taken care, uh, you know international orphans. We've started an organization that takes care of orphans in Africa and we've adopted a young man into our home and we've sponsored kids through compassion and all kinds of other ways, and I've tried to live a generous life. And what I realized is that's where that came from. It didn't come because I'm a nice guy, because I'm really not such a nice guy, but it came because I saw a model, the importance of taking care of others and of being better. So that's one of the first things.

Nick Adams: 17:37

Another thing that comes to me really quick about and the great quality that my father gave me. I didn't have this verbiage at the time but looking back on it, it my dad was a minimalist and he just things were not important. It wasn't that he didn't have money because it just wasn't important, that was not on his radar, right, and so he had a very simple life. He farmed, he had a just a very run down, very run down home. I drove a really old vehicle, not closed it, but none of that stuff mattered. But he had a simple life and he enjoyed his life and we got to the end of it one of the things that really kind of threw out my life.

Nick Adams: 18:25

I kept thinking, boy, that gets to the end of his life, what kind of regrets he's going to have. But he never voiced I wish I had more money to leave you. I wish I had an inheritance. He never mentioned money. He mentioned I wish I'd have done better as a father. I wish I had done better as a husband. I wish I was still, you know, I'd been able to stay with your mom and still be in your life and that kind of way. Sure, nothing about stuff, you know. And I think, although my life is much more complicated than his was and I do have more things, I still value simple. You know, I value the simple times with my kids and I value simple times in nature, and I get that from my dad.

Chris Grainger: 19:13

Sounds like he was really digging on contentment, just being content with where he was and who he was. He really was. Yeah, that's hard for a lot of guys so hard. We're going to take our first break. Guys, we'll be right back. We're going to take our first break.

Chris Grainger: 19:50

This community and the areas that we're helping Christian men grow are incredible. For instance, we've built ways for guys to lean in and grow through fun events like our daily spiritual kickoff, where you get that much needed boost directly from God's word, our Bible studies that always focus on how to discern and apply what we learn, and even our amazing form, where you can speak your mind without fear of getting shut down or judged by the extreme rules of modern day social media. On top of all that, we know that many men won't help overcoming issues and becoming stronger in many different areas. That's why we created several mastermind groups where the iron truly sharpens the iron. Our community is about having a growth mindset, accountability, intentionality and transparency. In other words, just leave fake you at home and come to community just as you are. I fully believe what we feel. I see the impact it's making on men right now and I would love to have you check it out. So start your very own 30-day free trial today to see how we can help you be a better leader. So if you're ready to take that first step, head over to thelinewithinus and get started.

Chris Grainger: 21:00

Your journey begins here. Visit thelinewithinus and I'll see you inside the den. So, nick, this has been great. So thank you so far, just for unpacking the story of your father and a little bit of your journey. And I'm just very curious, though, as I mentioned when I looked at this and I started unpacking it for the first time, you have these five big stones. I mean, who was discipling you and how did you get to these five? When you start from there down the waters to these five areas, like I'm just curious, how did that whole process work out for you?

Nick Adams: 21:36

Yeah, you know, when I found out I was going to be a dad, I was terrified, as most fathers are. Oh yeah, one of the things that I just said to myself is I just don't know what I'm supposed to be putting in kids' lives, because I've always heard people pop up at that and they say things like oh you know, my dad always told me One of the things my dad always drilled into. I just didn't have any of that. There was no life sentence or statement or value. There was none of that, and so I was really terrified about how I was going to know what to put into my kids, and so one of the things I did was just a whole lot of reading. I read books and I went to conferences and I did people's brain, and when I became a father, I was, at that point, a youth pastor, and so I was watching people raise their kids and I was seeing what was working and what wasn't working and and and really, both sides of the coin as a youth pastor yes, I was.

Nick Adams: 22:42

I was speaking about both sides and so, um, that was really good for me. And one of the people uh, one of one of the parents of kids in my youth group his name was paul hively and his kids were just amazing and and he was a very unique and interesting individual. So I got him to come in and do like some some small group training for parents in my youth group and I just absorbed all the stuff he was saying and I recently got to do Paul's funeral. He died this year so I got to go to South Carolina and do the funeral for him, for the family, and it wasn't until I was thinking about Paul and doing his funeral that it dawned on me that really much of what is in this book came from Paul. It's the stuff I learned by watching him and it's the stuff that he talked about and he taught.

Nick Adams: 23:43

And, yeah, there's, you know, I've read a lot of different things and tried to grow, but so much of the essence of these five big films are just things that Paul lived, pretty naturally you know. And so I think if you find yourself in a situation where you don't have kind of maybe a father figure that you can follow. One of the things I would say is you read a lot and you find some mentors. I think church is a great place to find some mentors that can really help you hone in on what does it mean to be an effective father? So that's kind of how I got some of these principles and as far as the five big stones, really I just laid out the book and I didn't have that idea of the five big stones of effective fatherhood to begin with, expense of effective fatherhood to begin with.

Nick Adams: 24:35

But as I started kind of fleshing out the chapters, I realized that what we were talking about were the things that I didn't want to give somebody 101 things to do to be a good father. You know, like I can't stand this, like I can't, I would do well to remember five. You know, if I can get two or three, I'd be doing pretty good. And so the whole gist of the book isn't really to tell you how to be a father. It's to help you think about the kind of father you want to be and it's to help you unpack. You know, who do I want to be? What are the values I want to give my kids? How am I going to extend to that, and so these stones aren't like do these things, they're more like being this kind of person, because that's really with paul heidly, my mentor, that's what I learned is is not specific things to do, but who to be right, yeah, as you are going.

Chris Grainger: 25:25

Yeah, I was. I was curious about that too, because sometimes you think about stones, but like being a ladder, but you see these as more independent areas. Right, they don't necessarily build upon each other.

Nick Adams: 25:36

Right Now in my mind, these are all standalone. They connect, but they don't actually build on each other.

Chris Grainger: 25:42

I'm with you. So, honestly, I'd love to just unpack a couple of them with you, but I'm curious for your standpoint. When you put them together, what's the one that you feel like guys struggle with the most?

Nick Adams: 25:56

That's a great question.

Nick Adams: 25:57

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to answer that, but what I think is one of the most important stems is the first one, and it's just the power of being, and because part of what I'm hoping to do in this whole book is to help dads think about the fact that they have a lot of influence, they have a lot of power just by virtue of being a father, and then to get into that a little bit more, about who says I have so much influence.

Nick Adams: 26:32

Since I have so much power, how do I want to use that and how can I direct it in the most helpful and beneficial ways for my kids and for the future? And so and I think so many dads struggle with this I think our culture marginalizes men, I think it marginalizes dads and their impact and their influence, and there's just a wealth of research that says that fathers have amazing impact on their kids' lives. And so I think that's one of the big messages of the book is you don't have to be doing everything right. It'd be nice if you'd be trying Amen to that. You might, because you're not going to be doing everything right.

Nick Adams: 27:13

It'd be nice if you'd be trying Amen to that you might, because you're not going to do it all right and you could spend a whole lot of time beating yourself up. But instead of that, just realize how much influence God has given you and then take that influence and wield it in the best way that you can, and God's going to use it for good things in your life.

Chris Grainger: 27:34

He will, man. I mean, I talked to a guy this morning, nick, and he was just a guy who reached out to the lion and he's got four kids and he's just like man, I'm a crappy dad. He's like I can't do this. I don't know how. I just had to remind him, like man, you are handpicked by God to be those kids' fathers. There's not a mistake that you are their dad. Now, you may be making some mistakes, but guess what we all do, brother, you don't outsource this and God doesn't make mistakes. So I mean, it's that power of being man that is a big one for sure.

Nick Adams: 28:09

Yeah, and I hope that as folks read the book they're just encouraged and they are able to focus instead of on all the things I'm doing wrong to be able to focus on.

Nick Adams: 28:20

you know how I want to show up and what do I want this to look like and be able to, you know, focus on it and to realize, you know, like we were saying earlier, my dad had a positive influence on me, even though he was awful. And so if you've got that kind of power, if you just focus a little bit, how much change could you bring? And so that's kind of what we're getting at there.

Chris Grainger: 28:47

And you're right, culture is really just trying. That's the biggest thing. I agree with you. The biggest pandemic or epidemic, whatever you want to call, call it, is fatherlessness and what's going on there and I don't know. When you look at you know even media and tv the way that they portray dads. It's, it's sad, I mean, they're usually dumb or they're making mistakes and it's just they're.

Chris Grainger: 29:08

They're. They're not leaders. They're always submissive and I'm in leadership positions and it's just like no, no, no, no, that's not the Bible. The Bible is very clear of what this work, or our call, is, is men to be the leaders of our home, and I'm with you. I think we just got to. If we could just get that core, fundamental understanding back to be the focus of of family, and what a change it would make.

Nick Adams: 29:32

Yeah, absolutely. And then with that whole you know power being, the other piece of that is to be present when you're with your kids, you know, to not just be in a room with them but to actually engage with them and to do that, you know, sometimes I think we look for these great big things but really we think the present is every morning by a touch and you know, a little affirmation and and just so I'm encouraging that's that you know, be present, about right, you have the power of being part of this, choosing to be present when you're with you, so that that works into. That starts with that's.

Chris Grainger: 30:12

That's, that's huge. The guys on the show, they listen, they know what's coming. Uh, be where your feet are, man. I mean you have to, and I'll tell you these things right here. I'm holding up the cell phone for you guys listening and not watching. They've made it so hard for us to do that, you know. And I mean, if you have to take drastic measures, like put the doggone thing in another room when you're with your kids, I have to do that. Sometimes I have to literally just put it in another room so that when I'm with my littles or with my bigs because I've got two older ones and two younger ones I just need to be there. I don't need to be thinking about an email or a message. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that time with them is so precious, amen, amen day doesn't matter that time with them is so precious, absolutely, amen, amen. Well, let's, let's think about another, another stone, what's another one that you like to share with the guys and kind of unpack here yeah, that one that I always lean toward.

Nick Adams: 31:03

It is, it's expel number four, which is um, I'm sorry, big summer. Number three, it's a B level, okay, and you know people, I've gotten a lot of questions about that. You bet that is more. It's one of those, I guess, because they're like, what does that even mean? But what I am trying to convey there is that an awful lot of times dad is kind of the last stop. You know he's the backstop. If everything's going bad, then you know he's the backstop. If everything's going bad, then you know it's that whole. You know the disciplinarian or the authoritarian, and sometimes we get that kind of screwed up. You know, as fathers we go too far with one or the other there.

Nick Adams: 31:44

But I think it's important to remember that, although we have that as a part of our role to be disciplinarians and so, you know, have the authority and to do those things, that the real goal for me, what I'm trying to do in parenting, is raise kids, who?

Nick Adams: 32:05

I let me start that over.

Nick Adams: 32:07

I'm really not trying to raise kids, I'm trying to raise adults right, and so to be able to think about what do I want these children to look like when they're adults and what's that interaction going to be like. And one of the things that I want is to have lifelong relationships with my kids. That's really important that we don't just kind of hit them up 17, 18, and they go do their own thing and I see them once a year at Christmas. That's not my goal. My vision is that we're going to have an adult friendship at some point when they are adults and that's going to be a lifelong thing for them and me. And so, as I'm living my life with them, if I'm really hard to love, it's going to be really hard to have that long-term relationship. And so some of the stuff that I talk about in there is just being willing to be honest, you know, and being willing to admit your mistakes, because how many people were raised with a dad who never admitted being wrong about anything and that's so counterproductive to relationships.

Nick Adams: 33:17

And so you know I work and if I realize I messed up or my interaction was ineffective or out of place, then I'll go back because I am so sorry but that's not how I should handle that and just that kind of transparency. And then to be a fun person. Because you know, it's like you're talking about the dad you talked to earlier and he's wore out, he's tired, he's beat down, he's trying to provide, he's emotionally drained, he's probably not a lot of fun. You know, life gets hard and if you're in the business world or the church world or whatever it is you're doing, there's a, there's not a day. That's something that it you know and that you've got to kind of rally and and so if you bring all that stuff home and you're just miserable I mean it's done to be around miserable people. The whole point of that section is are you being a person that your kids want to like? Are you lovable? Are you fun? Are you correctable? Are you open?

Nick Adams: 34:27

Just all those pieces that are going to give you the ability to connect on a heart level with your child, because if I can get their heart and if they know they've got my heart, then we've got the basis for a lifelong relationship. If they think that the only thing I want to do is tell them how to live with their wife and what to do next, you know, a teacher can do that, anybody can do that. And so I'm trying to be a person my kids love to be with, what they want to be with, and that's not because of a pushover, because that's not loving, but because I'm truly in love with them and I'm engaging with them and I'm sharing myself with them, and so I'm creating, creating foundation for lifelong relationship.

Chris Grainger: 35:16

You are right there. I mean, I think we have to give ourselves a little grace. As dads, too, I feel like we have to always have the answer. We always have to be the problem solver and it's okay. I mean, we're going to make mistakes and I love how you know, I tell guys as well, just to make sure you, your kids, see that you say you're sorry, they've recognized that you, you know I messed up, you know that's okay. And this, that vulnerability I'm pretty sure you said that word too that's a big one, I mean. And it's as guys, we don't want to be vulnerable, especially with our kids. We want them to think that we're superheroes, but it's hard to have that cape on all the time.

Nick Adams: 35:50

Absolutely.

Chris Grainger: 35:51

So hard. Well, we'll take a quick break, guys. We'll come right back. I find it helps me to have a guide at times when I'm reading and studying the Bible. One way that helps me is by using devotionals to guide not only what I read, but insights into the scriptures themselves. So we were blessed to become an author on the YouVersion Bible app and we saw an immediate opportunity to help others with devotionals around the areas that we spend the most time talking about at the Lion Within Us.

Chris Grainger: 36:26

So if you enjoy the show, you may enjoy these devos as well. We have some guys that are using them as part of their small groups as well, as they're a great way to get conversations going. So to see the ones that we've created, head over to the lionwithinus slash you version, and that's Y-O-U-V-E-R-S-I-O-N to learn more. So that's the lionwithinus slash you version. To get started with your own men's devotional today. So I mean, these are a couple of great stones, the power of being, you know, being lovable for sure. And then you talked about, you know, that atmosphere creating that, and I kind of related that to. I talk with guys sometimes that we're a thermostat right, that we set that temperature in the home and we have the ability to either turn that heat up or turn it over to make it very comfortable. And we have the ability to either turn that heat up or turn it in order to make you very comfortable and maybe speak to that. Does that align here with?

Nick Adams: 37:33

what you were saying when you create that atmosphere of unconditional love and support. Absolutely. I think you know. One of the things that I try to say to my kids every day is I love you to peace and I will always love you. And one of the things that, as I drive them to school, I'll almost every day say to them what can you ever do that Dad won't love you? My kids are, I'm with you. I've got two older kids who are 22 and 24 this year. And then I've got two older kids who are 20, probably 22 and 24 this year. And then I have two younger kids who are 12 and 13.

Nick Adams: 38:11

And so as I, as I drive my 12 and 13 year old school, I mean most mornings, I'll say to them what can you ever do that Ed won't love you? And they're like, nah, they, you know, cause they've heard it so many times at this point, I won't love you. And they're like, nah, they, you know, because they've heard it so many times. At this point, I'm like, absolutely, there's nothing you will ever do that I won't love you. I may not like you, I might not like your choices, there may be a lot of stuff, but I will always love you. I will always be for you.

Nick Adams: 38:37

I'll always do anything I can to help you have a better life. There's never any questions about that, you know, and one of my kids is really struggling right now, and so one of the things I just pound him with if he gets in trouble at school and then I'm talking to everyone do I love you? Am I happy about your choices? Today? He's like you're not happy. I'm like, no, I'm not happy. I love you to pieces. And so just to create that environment that says you know, your worth isn't based on your actions, your worth is based on our relationship. And you know, isn't that the connection to our heavenly father? And so I've just tried to drill that into my it's. It that I'm always going to love them Doesn't mean I'm always going to agree with them, but I'm always there and I'm always going to be trying to create a better life.

Chris Grainger: 39:29

Right and that's so important. I mean, I'm with you, but our, our owners, are a little bit younger, so they're more like 13 and 12 right now. So I'm dealing with some of the same issues it sounds like you're dealing with as well. With that, I mean. But at the same same time, once they've turned that teenagers, they, they have to have that reassurance from their father that that that they are loved, that they're fearfully willing for me, that they just you know, at the end of the day, I'm with you. I may not like the things that you're doing, but your father loves you, and I just think that that's so important. We can't just gloss over the importance of speaking those words audibly and letting them hear that.

Nick Adams: 40:05

Yeah, and calling out what we see in their lives. You know to be able to say here's the positives I see about it. And when I say calling out, maybe you're brand new to the negatives, I mean you know probably not you, but some of the listeners I'm not talking about calling out the negatives, I'm talking about calling out the positives. Tell them what you see in their life that is fearfully and wonderfully made. What is it that you are uniquely equipped by God for, and I think that is so important in creating that atmosphere of unconditional love and support. It's that I see you. I don't just see your problems. I'm not just pointing out everything you do wrong. I see you and I see your value and I see your worth, and here's in specific, here are the things that you do that are unique to you, that are super special I mean the clock's ticking on this, guys that you're listening right now.

Chris Grainger: 41:04

You mentioned in your book, nick, 6,570 days. You know that's 18 years. I mean it seems like a long time. I'm just here to tell you. Blink of an eye, right, I mean. So just give some encouragement to the guy who thinks, well, there's always tomorrow. I mean, just what about the importance of taking action today?

Nick Adams: 41:28

Yeah, for sure. Because, like you just said those, I love the sentence days are long and years are short, because when you're in the thick of the day I mean it's like, oh my lord, if I would just get to the end of this day, if if me and these kids can get to the end of the day and get to bed and everyone be alive right we're gonna count better when that's.

Nick Adams: 41:42

You know, the days can be really long, but the years are short and and so you just got to start and and I find myself. You know, I'm, I'm 60, I'm, I'm on end of life, and and so I'm going. Wow, I really I'm going to take time to invest in my kids, even if I have to let some other things slide, some other important things. I don't have very many days with these kids, so when I'm with them, that's priority. When I've got time to be with them, that's priority. And so, you know, that's what I would encourage any dad to do.

Nick Adams: 42:24

That's why, earlier I was talking about maximizing when you're together, be present, because we can't always be present. We've got to live life, we've got to provide there's stuff, and yet, in those moments when we are together, to realize that every opportunity needs to be, to realize that every opportunity needs to be, I don't mean like you're always like up in the grill, you know teaching and training and but but that you are present and you are loving and you are thinking and you are looking at, you know what are the positives that they need and you are creating memories. Gosh, I love to create memory. I think it's one of the most important things. You know, it's super important to have those milestones, whether it's because we do it every week or every month or every year, you know it's a pattern or whether it's some big thing that creates a memory that the kids can ground themselves in. That relationship is there and so, yeah, absolutely don't, don't wait. Every moment passes as one less shot.

Chris Grainger: 43:30

Amen to that man, I think God's. One word that just jumps out to me when Nick was talking about that is just intentionality. I mean you have to be intentional about this. You cannot outsource any of this. It's just something fellas that you got to own it. You know, you got to put those big boy pants on and own it, and I mean there's no pressure there, but just your presence is so key, so key and, nick, I'm just, I'm grateful for you, for taking the time to put this together, this book. I mean, before we wrap up today, let's let's move a little lightning round with you to have a little fun here at the end, if you're willing to play along sure I'll try.

Nick Adams: 44:05

Who does all right? Well, let's let's what's a hobby that you enjoy doing for fun oh man, these are the kind of things I like, um, I love to rock one. Um I like, yeah, I, I like to run, I run marathons, uh marathon runner huh yeah, yeah, I do an iron man and so I did the full iron man a number of years ago, and so I love to be active and outdoors and doing very good.

Chris Grainger: 44:35

So I did my first marathon last year and I just did a half marathon about a month or so ago. But uh, I'm not built for speed. I figured that out. But I can definitely just put it in low gear and chug along.

Nick Adams: 44:46

Me and you both, me and you both. And hey, I've had this great experience. My two older girls and I sat along went to Greece to run the original Greece-Greece marathon from Athens, from marathon to Athens this past fall, and so they'd never run with me and I talked them into running a marathon with me. So we did that last November, and then next weekend my two daughters and my oldest son are going to run a half marathon, and so we've been training together and it's just been fun. It's an opportunity to hang out, to train and to build memories there.

Chris Grainger: 45:26

You go, there you go. That's great. Well, good luck to you at your half marathon. I think I'm built more for the halves. I enjoy those a lot more, that's for sure. The full marathon. That's a lot of commitment and training just to get it is, get there.

Chris Grainger: 45:39

That's the training part part because you're putting, you're logging hours you know of of miles and that's just anyway good stuff there. I'm so glad you shared that. Now, with all that running, you got to get hungry. So what's your favorite food out there? What do you enjoy to eat? Oh, I, love that really okay, I don't love, love.

Nick Adams: 46:00

That probably my favorite right now. I ate, ate, a lot of that.

Chris Grainger: 46:04

Very good, very good. What about all-time favorite movie?

Nick Adams: 46:10

Wow, that gets harder. I love Lord of the Rings. That's yeah, love Lord of the Rings. I really like Shin Wars, like I love that you know the end when you just realize that he could have done more.

Chris Grainger: 46:26

I just uh, it's there you go. There you go. What's? Uh, what's something, maybe right now that you're currently struggling with, cause we try to be on the line and transparent in in something that when the guys hear people come on the show, they think they have it all together and it's always just good to show. Hey, here's some areas of my life that, uh, I'm trying to work through right now wow, I mean there's.

Nick Adams: 46:48

I could give you a list if you go a little bit down.

Nick Adams: 46:51

But one of the things I've realized recently is I just wish I had been more effective to rely at saying no, at not doing, and I think one of the things I will and this sounds a little bit arrogant, but it's really it's coming from the ability of realizing I screwed it up. But I'm a pretty competent person. I can do a lot of things, and because I can do a lot of things, I tend to do them instead of asking somebody else. You know like and like, and this hit me the other day when I was painting the ceiling in my house and I'm I don't have. Why am I doing right? And it's because I can. You know like I have the ability to do that, and so instead of kind of taking some of my own advice and spending more time with my kids, you know I've got a roller in my hand and I'm feeling stressed and I'm like I wish I learned earlier that just because you can do it doesn't mean you should do it, and so that's something I'm still struggling with.

Chris Grainger: 48:00

Amen. That's a big one, guys. That's a big one Learning how to say no and just being able to delegate Good stuff, Good stuff. So how about this one, nick? What's your favorite thing? When you sit and think back about God, what comes to mind? What's your favorite thing about it?

Nick Adams: 48:17

You know, I don't know if everybody would agree with this, but I love getting older because I can just look back and I've got just a different perspective. And so one of the things I'm loving is I look back over my life and lots of places I didn't do the right thing, lots of places I made mistakes and failed and I failed God and I failed myself. But God never failed me and he never like he never pulled away from me. He has always been pursuing me and he has always been coming after me. When I've blown it or when I'm in a bad place, he comes for me. He's a good father and so I just great day.

Nick Adams: 49:06

In the last few years there's just been such a resonance inside of me that I'm okay because my father, he's crazy about me and he's going to keep coming after me. He's going to keep tweaking my behaviors and my mentalities and although I can get in some real stupid thoughts in my head, it's so amazing how God will just come and whisper to me. You know, is that really what you want to do there, like that? And so I just I feel so safe in my relationship with God in a way I never have, because I've watched. I've just looked back through life and see how he has rescued me and directed me to get me up.

Chris Grainger: 49:50

Amen, I love it, love it. Now let's, let's flip it 180. What's your least favorite thing about the evil one?

Nick Adams: 49:59

Oh, you know, I I think probably my least favorite thing about me in relationship to him is that I don't misunderstand, I forget how determined he is to destroy the plot and the thing I hate about him is that he wants to take advantage of weak and he wants to break the weak and he wants to find those spots that he can just bring absolute destruction and he doesn't want to just rip, he wants to destroy, and sometimes I lose track of that.

Chris Grainger: 50:44

You're right Steal, kill and destroy. That's his whole agenda let's do two more real quick. So what's that something? Maybe you spent too much time doing over the last year. When you think back and spent oh man, I can't believe I wasted this much time doing this, what would that one thing be?

Nick Adams: 51:05

that's a harder question for me because I try to be pretty focused. But, um, I mean, it's probably the fun. You know I laugh at people, but I'm your basic teenage girl when it comes to fun, like I just I'm pretty connected to my phone and and so that's, that's probably it, you know. And it's not that I do a lot of like. I don't do a lot of social media and I don't, but it's just. The thing is always with me and I'm always having to check it or send an email, or you know that might tip.

Chris Grainger: 51:36

Totally get it. Totally get it. The last question in the lightning round, Nick, is what's one thing that you hope the listeners remember the most from our conversation today.

Nick Adams: 51:47

Oh, that's a neat one. I hope that the listeners it resonates for them that they are more important than they really are and that they're more effective than they are and that they are. If you're trying even just a little, you're making positive impact 100%, 100%.

Chris Grainger: 52:10

Well, that was beautifully said. Where do you want to send them to learn about you, to connect with you, to get a copy of your book, or just give any links you'd like to point them to right here, sure.

Nick Adams: 52:20

You can get the book from Amazon and it's just search being the Dad you Wish you had on Amazon and you're going to be able to find the book there. It's available as paperback, available digitally, and I hope I can have it out as an audio before too long. I really hope it'll be out, but I haven't been able to carve out the time to sit down and record the book, so I'm going to read it, but I hope to be available in audio soon. So Amazon the book. You can find me at bean-dad I can't remember my own, it's bean-dadcom is the website. Wait a minute, I'm not sure where you can find me and then from there you can link to Facebook and LinkedIn and different places.

Chris Grainger: 53:14

All right, Well, it sounds great. Well, guys, we'll have those links in the show notes for you guys and Nick. Anything else you'd like to share with our listeners today before we wrap up.

Nick Adams: 53:23

You know, Chris, I just appreciate you and what you're doing for the kingdom and for men. Appreciate the opportunity to be with your audience and I really hope that they can find encouragement and just strength and courage to be the best person of themselves.

Chris Grainger: 53:42

Amen, Amen, Well, brother. Thank you so much, Nick, and you have a wonderful day sir.

Nick Adams: 53:47

Thank you, Chris, you too man.

Chris Grainger: 53:53

Are you a manager, solopreneur or business leader? Are you a husband or father? Do you have people counting on you to guide and direct them personally and or professionally? Get the guidance and confidence you need at the Summit Leadership Development, an intensive, biblically-based mastermind group that transcends the boundaries of conventional leadership. Where there is no vision, the people perish. That's why we focus on the perfect, inerrant Word of God to become strong men and leaders in our business, home and community. Join other men who are ready to speak and embrace truth. Learn how to refine your approach and become a beacon of light in a dark world in all aspects of life. Our intentional monthly sessions will give you an accountability partner to dig deeper. Throughout the month, the summit is empowering leaders like you to amplify their influence in the workforce, home and community. Don't miss this opportunity to become a strong leader in a weak world. Secure your spot today at thelionwithinus leadership. That's the lion withinus slash leadership. All right, guys, I told you that was going to be a good one, so hopefully you enjoyed that Again. Go check out Amazon, get you a copy of the book.

Chris Grainger: 55:17

Being the dad you wish you had, nick's a great guy. I really just enjoyed that conversation with him and, at the end of the day, I want you to think about this one question what is the single most effective action that you can take to become an exceptional father? And I'm talking about an exceptional father, and that's who you are called to be. I put that word exceptional in there for a reason. Too many guys. They feel like they're just trying, they're scraping by. I'm here to tell you that's a lie from the pits of hell. Cast that back to where it belongs. You can be an exceptional father, but it takes intentionality, it takes stepping up. Today, look, you're going to have days, just like me, where we get it wrong, where we mess up, own it, own it, then do something about it. All right, fellas. So again, hopefully you enjoyed this one. Nick, go check out his resources for sure, and then head over to thelinewithinus.

Chris Grainger: 56:09

It's funny Before I recorded this episode, I had a call with a gentleman. He's got four kids. I mentioned it on Talking With Nick, but this just bothered me. He's like man, I got four kids and I'm a crappy dad and I had to reassure to him though, no, you may have made some mistakes, but you are a handpicked by God to lead those kids Can't outsource it. They're looking up to you.

Chris Grainger: 56:32

I know it's a heavy responsibility, but guys, don't run from it. Lean into it. If you need help, thelionwithinus, go join our community. Hop into a mastermind, talk about the areas of your life that you need help with and let fellow brothers in Christ just speak to you If anything. Just speak encouragement to you, the truth that we need to hear over and over and over. If you don't have those guys and so many guys out there do not have guys that are willing to speak truth, that are willing to listen, that you can actually be open, honest and vulnerable with. This is what we built at the Lion Within this community. We're going to give you some great resources and we're going to give you the opportunity to lean in, to be the leader God's called you to be.

Chris Grainger: 57:18

So quit, sitting on the sidelines. Head over to thelionwithinus. Start it today. All right, guys, get after it. Come back on Friday. We'll be here for your fun Friday episode. Good Lord willing, you're going to enjoy some of these tips we've got lined up for you. So stay strong, stay hungry and look. Keep on leashing the line with Ben.