Breaking the Chains of Addiction and Finding Redemption: Michael Slade's Story - Latter-Day Lights

Have you ever found yourself trapped in the clutches of addiction, feeling powerless and beyond redemption? On today's episode, we share an inspiring conversation with Michael Slade, a man who found the strength to break free from the chains of addiction and rebuild his life.

Michael's story of overcoming his past and reconnecting with his loved ones will remind you that no matter how powerful addiction may be, it can be defeated.

We explore the raw and authentic journey of Michael as he navigates through the process of excommunication within the LDS church, his struggles with suicidal ideation, and the significance of addressing mental health. Michael's deep insights into these often misunderstood aspects of life are bound to provide a fresh perspective. Most importantly, his story shines a light on the importance of positive reinforcement, the power of prayer, and the transformative love of Heavenly Father that can help us overcome life's toughest trials.

*** Please SHARE Michael's story and help us spread hope and light to others. ***

To WATCH this episode on YouTube, visit: https://youtu.be/rZSawz0AilM

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Also, if you have a faith-promoting or inspiring story, or know someone who does, please let us know by going to https://www.latterdaylights.com and reaching out to us.

Transcript

Scott Brandley: 0:00

Hi everyone, I'm Scott Brandley and I'm Alisha Coakley.

Alisha Coakley: 0:04

Every member of the church has a story to share, one that can instill faith, invite growth and inspire others.

Scott Brandley: 0:11

On today's episode, we're going to hear how one man's experience with addiction and overcoming his past helped him to learn that no one is beyond the reach of the atonement. Welcome to Latter-day Lights. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Latter-day Lights. We're so glad that you're here with us today and we're really excited to introduce our guest to you, michael Slade. Michael, how are you doing today?

Michael Slade: 0:43

I'm fantastic. Thanks for asking.

Alisha Coakley: 0:46

Good deal, good deal. So, Michael, you and I are part of this creators group and I can't remember. Did you mention that you were starting a podcast, right? I think that's what it was.

Michael Slade: 0:56

I am. Well, I tried a couple times doing a podcast. I really have to do with a motivational thing. I'm talking about just ways to encourage people that were struggling, and I done a couple times and just doing on my own was really difficult, and so I actually had said, yeah, we're in the creator community and you'd mentioned about your podcast and how excited you were for the different things that were happening. I thought that's awesome and I had gotten a couple of co-creators, co-hosts, and we were in that process too, and you talked about what it was about and that is the exact theme that we are going with as far as inspirational helping to build people up in their faith, especially in the Latter-day State community and I was like, oh my gosh, this is definitely. You know, we're all there for a reason.

Michael Slade: 1:47

We're all, and Heavenly Father definitely brings people together and so I was like you know, here's an opportunity for me to be able to reach out.

Alisha Coakley: 1:56

And you have an incredible story too. We got to talk a little bit about it, so I don't want to spoil anything today, but I have to say I absolutely love how, just like you said, like Heavenly Father, so he, just like he just has all the strings going. He just knows where to put people and how to get them to connect and everything like that, and so I'm really excited one to be able to hear your podcast and also to have you on as a guest today. So thanks for I don't know volunteering.

Michael Slade: 2:25

Well, thank you To hop on yeah. Thank you for agreeing to have me. I agree, and I think of Heavenly Father's like a chess master in my life. He often puts people in my life before I even knew that I needed them or, you know, in so many different ways that, just to you know, bring growths and the blessings that he knows that I need and hopefully, that they need too.

Alisha Coakley: 2:49

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Scott Brandley: 2:51

Yeah Well, michael, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Michael Slade: 2:55

Alright, I'm 45 years old. I live in Washington State. I grew up in an active LDS home, did all the stuff you know was active when I was 20, actually when served the mission in Washington, seattle Mission, came home, went to BYU, idaho, got married in the temple, started having kids all those things. I went and started work, went to school, become a paramedic and did that for a while. And so now I live up here. I'm divorced for quite a few years now and have three teenage children, so very blessed.

Alisha Coakley: 3:38

Oh, god bless you.

Michael Slade: 3:40

They're amazing. They're pretty great Years are amazing.

Alisha Coakley: 3:43

I'll trade you Well. I smelly and loud right now. So where is it that you live right now?

Michael Slade: 3:55

Yeah, so I live in the city of Ancoma, washington. It's right in the middle. It's actually if you hear Washington apples, that's where it's from. It's all right here in this area. So it's a huge agricultural area Apples, cherries, hops so you got apples, wine and beer. Oh wow, so a lot of grapes. Yeah, I said that. I said cherries grapes.

Alisha Coakley: 4:21

That's awesome. Yeah, all right. Well, michael, we are, like I said, we're very excited to have you on as a guest. We're, you know, I'm excited for Scott to be able to hear the story that you kind of gave me a little glimpse into today. So we're going to go ahead and pass the time over to you and just let you have the floor. Go ahead and let us know where your story begins.

Michael Slade: 4:44

Awesome. Thank you, alisha. So you know the story. Somebody's story is always built throughout their lives. As far as what we wanted, what I kind of wanted to discuss, talk about today, was just like I talked about.

Michael Slade: 5:00

I had been married, I was working as a paramedic and just had some life challenges, like we always do, had some different exposures to drugs, opiates, that we now, you know, then we didn't, we didn't take anything over when we thought they were just really good tools, which they are but through different exposures I eventually got hooked on that and developed this.

Michael Slade: 5:25

The addiction that to a large extent really overcame my life, and it's addiction of whatever nature is extremely powerful. And let me qualify this by saying we all have stuff, like we all have things in our lives that say, mitigate our connection with Heavenly Father, as I think, and in our connection with others, and so my story really is just an example of maybe extreme example of so many stories, just that we have just struggled and so, as time developed and I, these started to this addiction, just addiction just started to come more and more. I would say I let them take control of my life and I stopped kind of managing things and let them just bring in a control that they do have over me, and it got to the point where it really affected my relationship with others, my relationship with my spouse, my former spouse and my children and I just really withdrew from them.

Michael Slade: 6:58

I can't tell you what her version of the story would be. All I can tell you is my end and that withdrawing and that damage that it caused it really took its toll and eventually we got divorced. This is about 11 years ago and at that same time I left the church. And I say I left the church and in fact I was actually excommunicated. But it was my actions that caused that, that precipitated the events, everything that happened there. And one thing I will talk because and I feel like this is an important thing to mention is the process of excommunication, because it's something that's not understood very well, but it is actually a beautiful thing.

Michael Slade: 7:56

I remember it's not something that happened quickly. I think that I knew the state president in person and we talked a little bit and so we kind of, you know, had met with them and you kind of knew what was going on, and I was not a belligerent party to this. I was very open about mistakes I had made and it actually was a very prayerful, beautiful thing you meet. I met with the state presidency, high council, and they had visited, were fasting and visited the temple and it was just very mindful of Heavenly Father and His will and towards me specifically. And even in that process they have somebody that is set aside as your advocate, kind of if you're in front of a court, in a jury, that he is your defense lawyer, like he takes your side and will argue on your behalf. And I wasn't there when so much of this was happening. I was in an adjacent room with the bishop and as we kind of contemplated and I thought that this was a normal thing, but my process actually took seven hours. It started at eight in the evening, there at three o'clock in the morning and I had no. I thought that was normal. It wasn't until like within the last year that I realized it's like no, it's usually like a 45 minute thing and which is really ironic, because I thought in my case I was like, oh yeah, this is a done deal.

Michael Slade: 9:20

I was very open about things, mistakes I had done, and I wasn't super repentant either. I actually was kind of like, you know, I did this because I hated myself. I hated myself, I hated, like, all these things I had done, these mistakes that I had made and people that I'd hurt, and I felt like I deserved damnation, and that's, in fact, what I wanted. You know, we talked about when the savior comes again, and people that will you know, try to pull them out and over there to hide from the savior because of knowing who he is now and knowing what they had done. That's how I felt. And so they go in and they're like what do you think should happen? I was like, oh yeah, you guys need to actually continue, that's what needs to happen. I was unequivocal, and they saw that, though, and they didn't see. They didn't see this defiant, bad person. They saw somebody that was hurting. They're struggling, and they're very cognizant of that.

Michael Slade: 10:24

The spirit was. It was the most powerful spiritual experience maybe I've ever had, and when things came down, when they gave me the decision you walk around, and I shook the hand of every high councilman that was there, but didn't say presidency, and without fail, they all just embraced me. We hugged and, without fail, every single one of them is we want you back, come back to us, don't stay away. And the spirit was so strong and there was so much love in that room. It was not a period of animosity at least, not for me and, I could tell, not for them but it just really was a beautiful experience, and their primary goal really is the salvation of the person that's there, that's being tried, if you will, and then, being the second, the well-being of the victims and then the church being the third.

Michael Slade: 11:33

So this is not a punishment. In fact, it's a way of, especially when you're continuing to break the laws or covenants, whatever that led to the excommunication. If you're continuing to do that, they're basically severing you from those covenants so that your culpability then decreases. Obviously, you're still culpable for what you did while you were under those covenants that you made, but after that. So in a way, it's actually a blessing.

Michael Slade: 11:59

But I haven't talked a ton about this process before, but as I'm kind of getting into it, I'm just really feeling like this is an important thing that maybe some people need to hear, that it's not this adversarial process like maybe people think it is. I mean, it may be different if you go in and you're defiant and somebody else is the one that's brought chargers against you or whatever. That may be different. That wasn't my case. I was the only one. Nobody appeared against me, nobody appeared for me. I just it was just me going in there and so, anyway, that was just my experience and I kind of wanted to share, because really these years of my life and just my life in general is it's about perspective and really finding hope through difficult things, whether they're things that we've brought upon ourselves or their trials, that we face from external sources.

Alisha Coakley: 12:54

Right, I'm really glad that you brought that up, because even just as you were talking, for some reason in my mind I kept thinking like I should just ask you about the excommunication process, which I normally wouldn't do. But I do know a couple of people who were excommunicated and who came back and they absolutely say the same thing that you just said, that they felt that it was their way of receiving mercy in a way. It was kind of like a very gracious thing that was happening to them so that they could get themselves put back on the right path without having to take on more of the.

Michael Slade: 13:32

Yeah, absolutely. And there's even more. They asked oh yeah, I did mention they asked me what I thought should happen. And it's not just that, because they also have the opportunity to just say, okay, well, there's disfellowshipment too, which leaves your membership intact. But I don't remember all the details of that, but I needed the excommunication. And that may sound like a weird thing, but in order for me to come back, I have since been repaptized, six years ago.

Michael Slade: 14:00

I believe I needed that, knowing myself well enough, knowing that I needed that full being taken away from the church, because I don't know what would have happened for sure if I'd just been disfellowshipped, but I don't think. I think I'd be less likely to come back, or at least I wouldn't have had the same experience. And so it's not easy coming back. I'll tell you that it's not At least it wasn't for me for different reasons, and but I needed that struggle because I can tell you my testimony then is a shadow of what it is now.

Michael Slade: 14:45

Having gone through that process and I'm grateful I know I've heard people along the way and I've had to do a lot of repentance and sorrow and I've had sorrow for that I also know. Now, you know, I'm able to see that that's part of their experience, for them to heal and to go through and hopefully to create something better of their own lives and increase their own testimony. That's what they choose to do. But you know, I tried to own my part in that and just work through that sorrow. But as far as my end, I'm very grateful for that because now I especially I can have this opportunity where I can testify not just of that but the power of the atonement.

Alisha Coakley: 15:31

Yeah, so you said that you were the only one that kind of brought that up. How did that? How did you get from that point being in that state of addiction and everything like that to where you took it to the bishop and to the stake president and you even had that process begin, like you know what I mean. How did you, why did you do that at all? Why didn't you just hide?

Michael Slade: 15:52

it. Well, there were specific things not to go into too many details because there's other people involved in this but there are specific things that you do that get you qualified that you can be excommunicated. They're not very many and I don't again, I don't wanna go into those specific details but I knew what I had done is wrong. In fact, I actually did some things wrong on purpose because of how I felt about myself, how I felt about my marriage. I felt like I was married to an extremely wonderful woman, and she is. I'm not going back on that, I'm just saying how I felt about myself at the time. I felt I was worthy of condemnation, and so I did things to try to condemn myself.

Alisha Coakley: 16:44

Kind of like self-sabotage.

Michael Slade: 16:46

Exactly Wow. And then, in fact, as soon as things played out, I went to the bishop on a Saturday. So this is what I did, almost in a defiant way, and that so going through that process and, like I said, it took I don't know the better part of a year, at least six months, from when I first met with the bishop until when I went through the excommunication process. So it was something that it was initiated, that I initiated just because, again, I wanted to condemn myself. I wanted people to know how horrible I was.

Alisha Coakley: 17:31

Did you feel like condemnation was easier to accept than repentance?

Michael Slade: 17:36

Oh yeah, oh yeah, and I think in a way that it is, and I guess that's maybe why I could say that I'm grateful for that. That's what their decision was. If you could, then in my mind, like I, go through that process, I feel a spirit. I know it's not condemnation, but it's much easier to think that, to like, oh, I was condemned, and just to wallow and self-pity, and that's as I'm thinking about some of these things that we're talking about.

Michael Slade: 18:08

I can really remember some of those feelings of that and it still amazes me and the thing and especially now, because of my belief in feelings of understanding the Atonement, that I felt that way it's. I don't know if I can find a word, but I'll tell you something else, and this is and as we've talked before, as I kind of worked through the process, starting to come back to the church, I actually would meet with the missionaries who come by periodically and I remember still, when I'm at these times of just complete self-sabotage, just self-pity and hatred, that I would say missionaries come over and they talk about the Atonement, like wait, wait, wait, let me tell you about the Atonement. Missionaries, and I would say, oh there's, I'm outside of the Atonement.

Michael Slade: 19:07

They look at me like that's not possible and I'm like no no, no, and let me explain, and to me it was very logical. In fact it was truth that I had gone beyond it and the irony is that, you know, I've been on the other end of that. I served a mission, so I talked to people that had that same belief and I was able to have this conversation. But I look back and I don't know that I really had enough of a strong testimony to the Atonement or maybe didn't understand it. I definitely do. Now it's something that I think about on a daily basis, just because it's so important and the impact that it it plays a huge impact in all of our lives. But my understanding of the impacts that it plays in my life is what I have better now, just that, or a better understanding, I should say, of how it affects me and just my ability to function a good life, be a good person. That means I don't know that that's, you know, judging myself as a good person. But I like to think that through the Atonement, through my knowledge and understanding of it, that I can treat others with kindness, more kindness and compassion, despite whatever they've done, just to say, hey, you know, you're loved Now by a father, by heavenly parents that just see you in ways that they want your happiness far more than you can understand. I mean, then you want, they want your happiness more than you do and they know how it comes. And so all of these ways that we try to make ourselves happy, that ended up hurting us. You know, we think, oh, I've done these horrible things and that's just not true. I become good friends with these. I have these good friends that they were service missionaries and one day they shared this experience. They were in, they live in Utah, and they were in a department store and this guy came up to him that was working there and he had, you know, tattoos all over and a lot of just outside things. It said he lived a different life than most people had in the church and in fact he came and said I was born into your church, I'm not in your church anymore. It's not like he just hadn't attended church in a really long time, hadn't had his name removed or anything like that. But and he told them, he said I want to come back, but I don't, I'm not worthy or I don't know, it's not possible for me to do that. And they kind of told that experience and I was like, oh my gosh, give me his phone number. I totally know what that's like. I remember those feelings just deeply of knowing I'm not worthy at all. And here's something that I've really. I have really good analogy I love analogies of the atonement that I it's if you think of Heavenly Father on the beach of the ocean, and he sees us drifting on a raft, drifting away from him, basically separating from him by our actions, or centrifugal, and he wants us to come with it back to him.

Michael Slade: 22:32

He wants us to be with him, but he needs a way to get to us. And so he has this life ring that he tosses out to us, but it doesn't toss it to us. What he doesn't say is he puts a rope on it and he tosses it back past us. And this life ring is the atonement, and the point of it being past us is because, no matter how far we go, we're not out of its reach. You know, that rope that he attached to is right there and the atonement is it's with. We still have the ability to use it, even if we feel like we've gone too far. That's never actually a thing. We're never beyond redemption. That's so much. So often Satan tries to tell us that we are. He puts that little bug in our ear. But, like now, you just don't even bother. You know, just keep doing what you're doing and there's no hope. And there's absolutely hope. It's just seeing it sometimes is so hard.

Scott Brandley: 23:37

Right. Well, satan makes it hard for us to see it when we're in those places, right, when we're in those dark places.

Michael Slade: 23:44

Well, absolutely. And you think about Lehi's dream. And there's, you know, they hold to the iron rod, but they go through this mist of darkness that people just leave the iron rod, they let go and move in. You could say I don't say it's like that. I guess that you know, in that mist of darkness we really have a hard time seeing what truth is, or that we have a shot at eternal life. We definitely can't see the, we can't see the rods of how we're gonna see the tree of eternal life, because we can't, and yet we can't see. But we can also hear these voices of the world say hey, come join us. This is happiness when it's just. It might be pleasure, but it's just. It's not eternal life.

Michael Slade: 24:28

Yeah, but I really believe in my own experience, because so many times we think, oh well, I slipped up, I let go of the rod and now I have to start over. That's a lie too. We can just stand up. And if we were just barely holding on to the rod before, wrap your arm around it and just keep going, you know, hold on to it tighter. It's like learn from that mistake. That's a big thing in recovery. It's like, well, you know, you're allowed to start all over again. It's like that's a lie and we need to like rethink that.

Alisha Coakley: 25:01

Yeah, so can I ask you, from the time that you were officially excommunicated, what did that journey look like for you? I mean, did you immediately start working on coming back to church? Did it take you some time?

Michael Slade: 25:14

It took me a couple of years. I would go to church on and off and but I was never. My heart wasn't really in it, and part of it it just wasn't drugs, because everybody's experience is different.

Michael Slade: 25:36

I never, had a dealer. I never did any of those things, but I found ways to get them to get drugs. I also had, you know, I was, if you could say, addicted to isolation and despair, and so I did everything I could defeat that. I struggled with every aspect of my life, and so it wasn't just about drugs, it was about so many other things. That was maybe one of the greater, more obvious manifestations of it, and so, no, but it took me a few years and, little by little, things started happening in my life. I remember one week I really felt the urge to go to church and I thought, to myself.

Michael Slade: 26:28

None of my Sunday clothes are clean, you know, and that's just an excuse. I probably used to be four, but I felt that urging us like no excuses. So I went in jeans and a white t-shirt and I was there and I was so raw. I felt so raw, so exposed, but I knew that I needed to be there.

Michael Slade: 26:54

And one thing it's interesting that even I know when other churches excommunication is really that Like it's like you're not, your communication with God is cut off, like as far as they're concerned, you know, their Christian face is that that's the end. It's like that relationship doesn't exist until you can figure it out. And I don't know what their process is for any church, but that's not the case for our. In our belief in Latter-day Saint belief, it's that you cannot actually separate, separate somebody's communication with God and in fact somebody, when they're in a struggling state, even wants to communicate with them even more. His love and desire reaches out to everybody. We look at the Savior's life and you know he didn't spend it around the people that were, you know, great or you know and like holy, as much as he did around people that were struggling and so thinking about our experiences in the premortal existence. And I think there was maybe a lot of sorrow when things were ramping up, when things were getting ready, because we knew how much people were going to be hurting when they came down here from their struggles. We knew that there was going to be a lot of pain, that there was going to be a lot of suffering, heartbreak and things that were only going to happen in mortality. They wouldn't happen if we were still up with living with Heavenly Father and there's a lot of sadness, but we all knew it was necessary and it was important if we were to go where we needed to be.

Michael Slade: 28:41

So I think that Heavenly Father and, you know, the Savior definitely have that perspective too, that they understand, they love us, and the Atonement itself was such a magnificent thing, and it's not just about sin too, it's about comforting us when we're struggling. So I've had that question is well, how does that work with us on a daily basis? It's like it's not just about repentance, it's about healing broken hearts through suffering or pain of any kind. And so Heavenly Father really saw that as I struggled not just with addiction but with loneliness and grief of a different kind of because, you know, we all have pain and sorrow in our lives. We all need the Atonement, not just for repentance but for connection, for healing, to experience Heavenly Father's love and to have a perfect example of it. So, as far as coming back, how that works in is and we talked I talked about, you know, heavenly Father being a chess master and putting people in our lives.

Michael Slade: 29:50

Well, he did that for me a lot of great missionaries but then one day they kind of surprised me and they said well, we found we brought this guy over to help fellowship you, ship you, and his name is John and he's actually my best friend now. He's the guy that baptized me. And I still kind of look on, think about the look on his face of, like what am I doing here? Like what did I get myself into? And I've asked him about that, I mentioned that to him before. He just goes quiet. He doesn't. He's never, like, shared that thought with me. It's probably a good thing.

Michael Slade: 30:27

And we've gone through a lot of experiences together and forged a strong friendship that started off when I was at my lowest place and he's been such a great source of hope and inspiration for me because he's seen me at my worst, like I don't know if I had a point in my life where I was worse than I was when I met him, right, but we've been friends to each other and it's just, it's not just one way thing. I mean we I've kidded him a couple of times. I'm like, why are you still my friend? He's like, oh, my gosh, michael, because and I'll say this, I'll say this because he told me that he's that through me and my experience and my attitude and my redemption, that he has seen so much just beauty in that process, but also like example of how it's possible to be redeemed.

Michael Slade: 31:31

Imagine being in a, in a movie theater, of something you absolutely, absolutely know is happening and you're in part of that story. And I was fortunate enough to have somebody to have that story with. That has to stay by me and, and I've been able to support him in his journey too. It's just, you know, if only we could all have friends and I'm just really grateful. I'm gonna have to tell him that I do, and that's not. He doesn't even know that I'm here. I'm like, hey, john, I mentioned to you.

Alisha Coakley: 32:06

You probably won't watch it, then but are you just tell him to come be a guest and we can have a part two of the story?

Michael Slade: 32:12

Yeah, yeah, exactly so another vantage point.

Michael Slade: 32:16

It was actually funny because I actually did end up going through inpatient rehabilitation and in this particular case he had the opportunity to like write a letter to me to say you know if I caused him hurt or what he'd seen, and it was so kind and he actually called me his BFF is our. He's like I'm his BFF and I'm like, oh, that is so like 13 year old girl thing, but I loved it. I loved it. It was so I love that man. And it's funny because we talk. You know, we're two guys I think he's almost, like almost, in his 40s and I'm 45 and we just write love your brother, Like every time we talk, and so it's just a really good friendship and I'm super grateful for because Heavenly Father, I know, put us in each other's lives.

Alisha Coakley: 33:10

For those reasons, yeah, and so during that time I'm just trying to play out the timeline here yeah, were you already divorced or were you going through divorce and excommunication at the same time?

Michael Slade: 33:22

They happened about the same time. I didn't really. You know, some people's divorces take a long time. Mine, mine, didn't.

Michael Slade: 33:29

I was in such a place, I didn't fight anything and pretty much whatever she said I I acquiesce to and, at the same time, I've spoken out publicly regarding this issue, because it's one that's not talked about a lot. But something I've experienced, struggled with since I was younger, was suicidal ideation, and that played a huge part in this. Like I did things and just thinking, you know, what is it? The saying? It's like he drink and be married for tomorrow. We die.

Michael Slade: 34:04

Well, my saying was well, he drink and be married for tomorrow. I'm going to kill myself, you know, and that, you know, might sound pretty grim, but it's. It's the truth and it's something I know that a lot more people struggle with. With that, because I've spoken about it publicly and people come up to me afterwards and they're just like I thought I was alone, I thought I was the only one that struggled with that and it just can't talk about because there's so much maybe not condemnation from others, but from yourself. You're like, am I feeling this way? This is not right. You know, people will think I'm crazy and so they don't get help, and so that was something that that was in the back of my mind and I don't want to, you know, go too many into too many details of that, because it's just be sad and depressing. But I did a lot of, you know, quite a few things, thinking this is it.

Michael Slade: 35:01

You know I'm going to do this, and then I'm done, and one time I, you know, and so many things in my life happened that way, but it finally took got to the point where I really had to work on not just addiction so much as mental health in general. Addressing that is really what has made the biggest difference in my life, and, you know, so much of that comes from our connection with Heavenly Father, I believe. And that doesn't mean that there's not like real things, real struggles. I mean, that is a real struggle, but as far as that, there's not psychological, psychiatric help, because I definitely, you know, needed to work through and have the help in those areas too. It's just to say, though, that you know, at home and connection with Heavenly Father's a huge part of that. I think that's overlooked in so much of society, of just saying connection. In general, people live happier lives in when they have strong, supporting, loving relationships, and there's nobody that loves us more than our Heavenly Parents. You know, we may have had crappy earthly parents, but we have perfect Heavenly Parents.

Michael Slade: 36:18

So I it was quite a few years, though, after I had been excommunicated that I started to working on being in recovery, and I remember, after I'd gone to inpatient, I came out and I was going through the process of being sober and working a program and I'd forgotten things that I'd done when I was in active addiction and they started kind of come back to me as I'm trying to like start doing in men's and things. And I remember one of the things I'd done and that was I had committed insurance fraud. I was at this point when I was just desperate and I decided this is something I was going to do to just try to get by. And for several reasons I decided that that's something I was going to do and I did. And you know, with that plan he drank and be Merry tomorrow I'll do what I was going to do and so I did and got away with it completely. And then the first thing that came came through. Nobody was the wiser, and that's that's not to say like I'm great I was able to pull off the perfect crime. It's just to say that there wasn't anybody out there that was suspicious. I wasn't, you know, part of an investigation and I got sober.

Michael Slade: 38:03

I remembered that I'd done that and I felt a lot of shame, a lot of guilt about that. I knew I'd done something wrong but they have, in your coverage, called a living amends and because sometimes you're not able to, you know you can never completely repair I think I don't know anything that you've done and so you just do the best you can to try to make great and you're wrong, as you committed. And I remember thinking about that and thinking there, that is tough, like I don't know how I'm going to actually make amends for that. I looked through all the possible penalties and things like that and I thought I was like man, the worst I could find was like five years in prison and I was like, oh right, well, I can't do that. And I remember the next morning I'm looking, I'm getting ready for the day, I'm looking in the mirror and the answer, heavenly Father, was no, you have to take care of this and you have to do it now. I think it was so scary.

Michael Slade: 39:13

Oh, I was terrified. I was terrified. I was like because I already I knew. And here's this beautiful thing, right, that I've been blessed with is that a lot of times, when I asked to do something difficult, heavenly Father gives me a glimpse of what can, what can happen if I'm obedient to that, and I kind of I did. I got a glimpse and I stopped to say and I didn't, I don't know how exactly things are going to play out, but I saw that I would be hugely, I'd be hugely blessed from that, and so that helped.

Michael Slade: 39:57

I remember calling it's that day or the next day, calling the office of the insurance commissioner and saying, hey, so there's this insurance claim and it was not, it was fraudulent and I need to take care of this. And I was in tears and this is the state, the office of the insurance commissioner in Olivia. And I still remember the name of the woman that answered the phone and she was so kind and she's like okay, deep breath, it's going to be okay, right, you're okay. It's just because I was just so scared and you know I didn't have a criminal record. I'd never had any issues with the law, except for maybe, you know, trying to be on the right side of it, but a couple of speeding tickets.

Michael Slade: 40:51

But I, so I got through that conversation with her and then I ended up talking to some of the investigators and I they didn't at first know what to do because that's it's never happened or it doesn't happen. I should say Right, and I think that even when the investigators been 20, 25 years in law enforcement, he said, no, this is the first time you'd ever had that experience. And so I mean I feel a little bit better, but it's still in the midst of this life. I, you know, and I wish I could say that I'm this, this guy that walks through things with perfect faith, but I'm not. I sometimes, but yeah, in this I, but I did it, and it took over a year for them to go through things, to to do their interview, which is you know really interrogation.

Michael Slade: 41:52

But they were the the detectives that came and interviewed me. We're super cool guys. And the funny thing is I went into a dedicated. I was going to tell them everything, like I was going to leave any stone unturned I could think of. I even prayed before I went in there, said Heavenly Father helped me to say everything because I did not want to give myself the possibility of turning back. And in fact when I eventually did get it from my lawyer, she was actually pretty upset with me. She's actually reading my confession. She's like there's no wiggle room in this. I'm like, yeah, it's a point.

Michael Slade: 42:30

But I, at the last thing, the detectives, they asked me. They said, well, why did you do it? And I told them about my struggles with addiction and I didn't want to make excuses for it, so I didn't bring it up in the interview. I think this is actually after the tape recording went off and they were very compassionate. They said, hey, you know, we, we've seen that, we get it, we've seen this before with paramedics and nothing happened. And I was like I'm not going to be illegal and moral and ethical while I was working as a medic. That it actually that started afterwards, after I had left the field for, and even then I'd had some experiences as a paramedic that were very unpleasant and things that I don't. I don't wish. I wish I had an experience or definitely wouldn't wish on anyone else. I don't know about them openly because it's just a and they definitely contributed to my addiction and my, my just general mental well being and things I've I had, you know, took me quite a while to work through, but talking to them about that I met was met with so much compassion and love from them. And then it was six months later, just in the, I got this letter. I, because I kid myself, I thought, okay, well, I'm a good guy, right, I self reported, I've had no other like criminal experience. It was not a violent act, so they're just going to forget it. But like, ah, we're not going to worry about prosecuting, we're too busy. Yeah, that's not what happened. Thankfully, thankfully, that's not what happened. And I got the. This notice, this letter in the mail says notice to appear in front of the court. And I was devastated because I'd been lying to myself, but thankfully I went.

Michael Slade: 44:25

It took quite a while to set up but I went through this program and it's called drug court and it is. It's this rehabilitative process and basically what you do is say, okay, I admit, I did this. And they say, well, go through this program. And it's basically like a really intense probation. They tell you where you can live, they tell you where you work, everything they have to approve. You get tested like four times a week. You get all of these programs you have to go through and you're counseling their own new life for a year and a half. This is when COVID was happening, so it's even stricter to some degrees and it was intense.

Michael Slade: 45:08

But I decided at the very beginning of it as, like I'm gonna do this the right way, with the right attitude, and usually it's something that takes people three or four years. It's an 18 month program at the minimum. It takes a lot of people three or four years because they're used to that mindset of being defiant, of resentful towards authority and, plus, they're still struggling with their addiction big time and so they'll relapse and things, and so it'll take them several years to get through this if they do. But I decided at the very beginning I was gonna do it the right way all the way, and it being a refining process instead of this process that I'm gonna be presenting, and so I did my best and worked through it and got through it in that short time, that 18 months, and it was one of the biggest blessings I'd ever received. I it gave me a really strong foothold and sobriety Taught me a lot of. I was forced to I say forced to, I went through willingly.

Michael Slade: 46:17

I remember it as actually really interesting the judge that oversaw the initial process. He was, I kid you, not like this Solomon type judge from the court in this county. I was sitting back in the courtroom and he would like he cared about the people that went through his courtroom and he would give them words of comfort and advice and be like this is your life's not over deep breath. You know you can get through this. You're stronger than this. Just, you know, just move forward, do the right thing, make good decisions. And he really cared about those people. Of course the lawyers would turn around and roll their eyes because they heard it a thousand times, but you know he was so much compassion.

Michael Slade: 46:59

But when I went up there and I first appeared from him, I was terrified again. So much terror in this whole process but so much love because I went up to him and we were trying to figure out what, how this situation is gonna play out. And my attorney said to him, said, oh, your honor, just to let you know that he self-reported this and he just went. What he looked at the defense or the prosecutors like is that right? And she's said, that's right. And he was shifting his weight and his chair and he literally, I mean he almost fell out of his chair. He was just like okay. And then he's like got, his composure, and leaned over the bench and just said I wanna shake your hand for that.

Michael Slade: 47:48

And I was like it was really moving to me because I thought, here I was, I was so incredibly vulnerable at this place I'd never been before, like so many other people, I'd been there so many times before. So they were just used to it. They know what to expect. They knew what I was gonna play out.

Michael Slade: 48:04

I didn't this is my first time and I was terrified, like here I was and it was that tender mercy that the Heavenly Father showed me that it's kind of like you know, this is gonna be okay. It might be scary but it's gonna be okay. And it was a huge faith, building faith, promoting experience. That's not to say I was perfect. I went through it perfectly, but I did my best and ended up coming out of it, I think, with all the blessings that Heavenly Father showed me were possible, and more I. So many things happened while I was doing that, because I was trying my best to do the right thing, that things that I never expected to happen that did happen and I felt Heavenly Father's presence in my life to such a great degree that I yeah, I was just shocked. So much gratitude and, yeah, we can't do hard things.

Alisha Coakley: 49:12

I love so much that like in both these circumstances both with your ex-communication and with the insurance fraud that, even though you weren't doing what you should be doing, necessarily right there, like, even though you were struggling, you were choosing sin, you know you weren't at your highest point you still had so much integrity, you know, like that was something that was so ingrained within you that you were willing to face that fear and to be able to step up and to take responsibility for what it was that you had caused, but also to take responsibility for the change that you wanted to make, knowing that you didn't have control over the consequences of it, right, but you were willing to face them. I just think that that is such a testament to like the type of character that you really are, you know, thank you.

Michael Slade: 50:09

And I appreciate that. Is that hard for you?

Scott Brandley: 50:11

to take she, could you tell?

Michael Slade: 50:14

I have a book conference and they said anytime you get a compliment, you have to say thank you, I know.

Alisha Coakley: 50:21

So I'm just going to put that out there. You just say thank you, I know.

Michael Slade: 50:25

So it's so funny because I was just dating this woman and she was so great, like I am very much a proponent of like positive reinforcement and if you see something, say something like it good in somebody, or even you know, you see that they're struggling with something, you know they're, they're more than their sums of their mistakes or their perceived faults. You know, and people need help, they need encouragement, and I one thing about this woman that's so great that I've been seeing this she I give her a compliment, she'd like thank you. I'm like, oh my gosh, thank you for like saying thank you because it gets. You know, you try to do positive reinforcement. Somebody's like I don't know about that, and then here I am. They're like, ah, it is hard, but thank you, alisha, how's that?

Alisha Coakley: 51:17

It's perfect.

Michael Slade: 51:18

It's interesting though, you know, because I know my faults I'm actually pretty self-aware to for a great degree, which is almost, I'm not sure. I mean it makes it easier to to affect change, but then also means I'm very aware of my mistakes, even the things that you know patterns, and so I'm like, okay, you know, straighten up and move forward, because that's all we can do is just move forward. You know we can't change the past, but we can start a little bit at a time to do that. And one thing that I learned, and even maybe more recently, is and I think I don't know, I know it's a mistake I've made.

Michael Slade: 51:59

I don't know how many people may have made this mistake, maybe you've seen this more than I have, but I think sometimes you know, when we have a good relationship with Heavenly Father, and that's that's I I attribute, more than any character that I have, as I attribute the influence of Heavenly Father and the Savior of my life, because even for my various early years I could ever remember, even in my darkest times, I still had that relationship.

Michael Slade: 52:26

Even when I was, I would still pray, I still had conversations with Heavenly Father. You know prayer in your heart, but like I am so angry with you, like why, you know, just like on a not on a daily basis, but you know like often enough that I would just still be. You know, have that conversation. I've had some very, very frank conversations with Heavenly Father when, unequivocally, I've told him how this isn't an experience I've been able to share till recently, but this is more one of the more powerful experiences in my life. A couple of years ago I was really having a hard time. It was actually when things in court were playing out and they I didn't know what was going to happen that fear, that struggle started to really creep up on me and I was angry. I wasn't angry with anyone earthly I was angry with my father.

Michael Slade: 53:31

I just told him. I said you know, I let him know. I know, in certain terms, how I felt and I thought how are you going to do this, shouting it out because that's really what was happening. I mean, it's a very verbal prayer and I said you know, you say that you love your children. How can you do things, how can you allow these struggles to happen if you love your children? And immediately I got the answer I do this because I love my children. And I was immediately overcome by this sense of love and gratitude and connection that I did something I hadn't done for the whole while and I got on my knees and just said thank you, because in that moment Heavenly Father had the decision. He could have struck me down, which there would be right to do, but instead of seeing me as this defiant, petulant child, he saw his son that he loved more than anything and who was at that moment. That wasn't about defiance, it was about opening myself up to him and being vulnerable and having that conversation which he wanted to have. He wants us to turn to him. Let him know how we're doing, how we're struggling, how where our faith is. He already knows. But we can't build that connection without opening up to him. And so in that moment he knew there was this hurting child that was longing for connection and he knew how to make that connection and it was with love.

Michael Slade: 55:20

And I think so many times I heard so many times, especially recently, people like I really didn't understand Heavenly Father. I grew up even in the church, thinking he was this angry, vengeful God and I'm like I don't really ever remember thinking that I don't necessarily it was fair or, you know, I'd be hurting and I think maybe God had some part of it. But it was. That was one of my major experiences where I really realized no, that's not the case. He loves us and I can say without doubt that he loves us more than we love ourselves. He wants our happiness more, but he knows how to get that. He knows how it's accomplished, whereas we think we might know. But really, I mean he does have the answer. So so it's, I think, maybe. So thank you on the earlier comment about the integrity.

Michael Slade: 56:15

I think that really, that any strength that I've received, what we both come from, heavenly Father, because on my own I'm not, I'm not that strong, but it's through you, know Christ, who strengthens me, that I can find that strength, and that he is not just willing to give us but he wants to provide for us that faith and hope, and that's really been one of my messages. It's just there. There really is hope. But not even just there's hope, but there's so many things I talked about earlier when I'm going through this process with the court that had these blessings I didn't think I was worthy of.

Michael Slade: 56:51

I had this experience with tithing that blew my mind. I had this experience with finding love that I never thought would happen. I had just all of these crazy experiences I shouldn't say crazy, I should say beautiful experiences that Heavenly Father gave me, if nothing else, a glimpse of what was possible through him when we're making right decisions. But it's it's not like we. We don't get all the blessings we can have if we're when we're not obedient, because so much of it has to do with connection with him, and so I really think that's, ultimately is a lot more worthy than we realize worthy of these blessings, but sometimes it's just our own self perception that keeps us apart.

Scott Brandley: 57:46

So I have a question, Michael how has this affected your kids? And because obviously we think to ourselves well, this is my life, it doesn't, you know, doesn't affect anyone, but have you had talks with them about it.

Michael Slade: 58:05

I was pretty open about what was happening. They knew that I was extramunicated. They knew you know different points about. In the church they were I, my, one of my son, my older son spoke at my when I was baptized. My two other children gave the prayers. So they were there for that. They knew because I had to move actually to a different county when I was going through the drug court process and I told them why I had to move and it made it wasn't very far away but it made the process of spending time with them a lot more difficult.

Michael Slade: 58:41

It definitely affected things. I'm realizing more in the years afterwards how how much it's affected them, how much it's it's lingering effects. But one thing that it's really my experience has taught me is that don't take a snapshot and think that that's the whole movie, because I could really do that with them and be. I think that this is what's going to happen. This is it. You know, look at my experience. And repentance is possible, growth is possible, so it's. It's possible that some of the struggles that we've had in those relationships can be repaired, but it might you have to have an eternal view of it, does that?

Scott Brandley: 59:32

does that?

Alisha Coakley: 59:33

help.

Michael Slade: 59:33

Does that make sense?

Alisha Coakley: 59:35

Well, and one of the things that you mentioned was, you know, you were like, oh, I'm certainly not perfect, and it made me think of that talk, the imperfect harvest. It was by Elder Stanfield, and he just talks about how, you know, when he was younger, they own this farm and I'm not. I know, I live in Texas. I should know all about farms and cropping and all the things. I don't know all the logistics, but it was something about, as they were getting all the wheat, there was a certain machine and it would separate it and, you know, it would collect most of it, but there was always some leftover in the fields. You know, there was some things that they missed and and he was concerned and he's like Dad, like why, you know, why is it that it didn't get all this? Like we worked so hard, I mean, it took so long to grow that and now it's just sitting out there in the field and his dad said, you know, he said, well, that's the best that this machine can do, right, and later on he realized that, you know, as a young boy, he realized that all of the birds would go and eat the leftover. And it was like this lesson for him that, even though we try, and even though we're not going to gather everything perfectly, heavenly Father can use those imperfections and can still create goodness in other areas, for other people too.

Alisha Coakley: 1:00:50

And I was just kind of thinking about that with your story and thinking about how, you know, you don't know how far your example trickled, you know, in those in those moments, like you don't know what it did for the members of the state presidency and the Bishop Rick who were there during your excommunication process.

Alisha Coakley: 1:01:08

You don't know exactly how it might have affected John's testimony, you know, and being able to see you go through this repentance process. You don't know about the people who were sitting in the courtroom when you're. You know, when it came up that you were the one that that spoke up first, that you, you know, literally told on yourself right and even with your kids, like you, you don't know how that's going to play a role in their ability to be empathetic and compassionate towards other people as they grow. You know, you just you have no idea what your imperfections can like, how much good your imperfections can bring about to other people in in other ways. You know, and I just I don't know. I just, for some reason that was circulating through my head, so I wanted to share it with you.

Scott Brandley: 1:01:57

No, and I appreciate it. I love that, alisha. That's why she's my co-host, michael. It looks like you chose well.

Alisha Coakley: 1:02:04

It's not.

Michael Slade: 1:02:04

It's not pretty, what no? Just joking.

Michael Slade: 1:02:08

Well, you know and I, I agree with that and that's it's.

Michael Slade: 1:02:13

It's really interesting because I've learned more and more as time gone by, cause has gone by, and I see more and have experienced more and more personal revelation.

Michael Slade: 1:02:25

I, I know that my mission in life, at least spiritually, is to help gather Israel, to help people that feel like they've gone too far To know that they're not alone and they're not beyond redemption, that that's a lie, that there is hope and that they are worthy of so much more than they realize, and that I'm proof, I'm an example of that.

Michael Slade: 1:02:55

And no, I've often thought of myself as like this, very, very imperfectly, this, like you know, jedi or you know night Templar, you know somebody's crusading for Christ or for this grander purpose, yet is, you know, has to almost live this life of solitude, because that's how my well, I can actually have so many wonderful friends. But in essence, you know, I've lived kind of a soul life, and so I, but finding satisfaction and love and gratitude for the opportunity to help others grow and love and realize that they're not alone, that they have a savior that sacrificed everyone, and that they have a heavenly father and a heavenly mother that love them just more than they can understand that long for the day that they can wrap their arms around you and just say I'm so glad you're home.

Alisha Coakley: 1:03:59

Oh well, there goes my makeup. Thanks.

Michael Slade: 1:04:03

That was my plan, that's my whole like. That's Scott and I. You know we got together a real hard time, he's like, so we haven't ruined her makeup for a little while. Let's see if we can do this.

Scott Brandley: 1:04:13

It's pretty easy to do.

Alisha Coakley: 1:04:15

Yeah, I'm a crybaby.

Scott Brandley: 1:04:16

I really like your story, michael. I mean there's a lot, there's a lot to unwrap there. But as you went through it I could pull different examples of stories that even people we've had on the podcast my own daughter she had suicidal thoughts when she was a teenager. I didn't even know, you know, I had no idea. I thought she was doing great, and then come to find out years later she gets back from a mission and she tells us this right, and she was on the verge of that and we had no clue. And then I remember going to Trek once and I was an uncle in a Trek family and we had a fireside and all these kids were talking about you know, they were having suicidal thoughts. I'm like what is going on here? It was very eye-opening. But then I also had a thought when you were talking about meeting getting excommunicated. They do that with bishops too. There's two, there's levels, there's a stake level, but they're also, you know, bishops can have the ward councils.

Michael Slade: 1:05:26

Yeah, I was, I went to that first yeah, so I did.

Scott Brandley: 1:05:31

I did a few of those when I was a bishop and similar to your experience, like it was, we were always trying to fight for that person and we would have them come in and they would talk and, you know, share their experience, and then they'd have them leave and we'd pray, we'd be like, heavenly Father, what's the best path that we should take for this person? It wasn't, it was never about punishment.

Michael Slade: 1:05:54

It's all about the person it's not yeah so like about the let's do this for the church, or what's the best path for us as a church or for the victim? You know it's so it's. Yeah, I never felt it was about that.

Scott Brandley: 1:06:07

Right. So I, yeah, I just really appreciate your story. I mean, there's just you never know what's going to touch somebody, but several aspects of your story had personal you know connections to me and I just really appreciate that and I think what you're doing is really good and I think you are going to help a lot of people and I really appreciate you having the courage to to share it, because those are hard things went through and there are things that probably people don't want to tell other people that they've gone through. I mean, naturally right, but just to the fact that you have the courage to just say look, this is my life and here's what I went through, but here's how I got through it. And it was through God and it was through faith and repentance and I'm a better person because of it. You know, I just really appreciate it.

Michael Slade: 1:06:58

And here's, here's, the thing. If I, if I, I was blessed so much more, the connections I've made through my ability to be vulnerable have been healing for myself, but I also know for others, like very personal degree in front of me. I've seen that and I have made the most beautiful connection, the most beautiful relationships. Because of this, and for that is one of the biggest reasons, I'm grateful that I, that I am able to share that I, I'm the father's giving me that strength, but the but also that I went through it in first place.

Alisha Coakley: 1:07:37

Well, I think that you definitely are seeing how all of these experiences are working together for your good, and I love that you're taking those experiences and you're not just letting them be like an internal thing for yourself, but that you you are willing to let other people learn from you and to see, just you know, how far of a reach that atonement really does have for everybody. I'm so excited for the podcast that you guys it's a podcast coming out, correct?

Michael Slade: 1:08:10

Yeah, it's the name of it is choose faith now, and I have some amazing co-hosts that we all Heavenly Father truly brought us together with that mission of gathering Israel, and so I really help people know that if they're experiencing a faith crisis or they know that somebody that is, they're not alone and it's okay that you're going through that, because that's part of the plan. It's and it's important that we realize that we're not alone. Just like what you're doing and sharing people's faith journey, it's a it's an important thing for us to realize that there is hope.

Alisha Coakley: 1:08:45

Absolutely Well. I think you're. You're definitely an inspiration in that you're going to. Your story is going to touch a lot of hearts and I'm so excited for your journey, that that you're on and the continuing blessings that are going to come into your life and to the lives of others who know you and I just I just want to say thank you so much for coming on and for being our guests and for being so open today. We really appreciate it, yeah.

Michael Slade: 1:09:08

Thank you Lisa, Thank you, Scott. I'm really grateful to opportunity.

Alisha Coakley: 1:09:13

So well, do you have any final thoughts or anything that you'd like to leave?

Michael Slade: 1:09:20

Well, and that's, that's really just it. And somewhere I could just say that if you're struggling, if you've had difficulties, if you have pain, sorrow, that and or you've done things that you don't feel are something you can overcome, or, if you can, you feel that you're out of reach, that it's home and there's not hope, or you're not worthy. It's a lie, it's just a lie. Heavenly Father wants nothing more than for you to be with Him and he will do everything possible. He can't interfere with your agency that this is gift to you, but he will do everything in His power to bring you home. The Atonement was such a such a powerful gift that nobody on this earth will ever understand, while we're here, how powerful that is. But it would be a waste if he didn't do everything he could to give you the opportunity to come home to use that gift. And that's that's my testimony to you that I would share. And they'd be correct, Jesus Christ.

Scott Brandley: 1:10:40

Amen, Michael, thank you so much for your story and for being willing to share with us. You know, if anybody else has a story out there that's listening, that would that feels like they need to get it out there, go to Latterday Lights. com. Let's have you on the show. Let's let's share more stories like this so that we can inspire and bring light, you know, to the people around you and tell their people that need it.

Alisha Coakley: 1:11:09

Absolutely. And, guys, be sure that you like, share and comment on this story. Let Michael know what it is that stood out to you. If there was, you know, a certain part of the story that was really meaningful or impactful to you, or if it's just something that resonated, definitely leave us a comment. Leave Michael a comment and, just you know, let him know how it is that you was able to touch your heart and and you know we would love for you guys to just do that five second missionary work Just click that little share button and make sure that you guys can help us to get these stories out to other people to be able to light the moment.

Scott Brandley: 1:11:50

Thanks again, michael. It was a pleasure and you know you've impacted our lives for good already, so we really appreciate it. And until next week, you know, hopefully we'll see you there and we'll dare another inspirational story. Until then, have a week.