Finding Humor and Hope in Adversity: Brian Boyd's Story - Latter-Day Lights

Ever wonder how laughter can be a lifeline in the midst of mental health struggles? Join us as we sit down with Brian Boyd, a substitute teacher whose humor and resilience have made him a beloved figure in his community.

Brian opens up about his journey, sharing many of the difficult trials and challenges he's had to face throughout his life.  Fortunately, throughout the darkness and difficulties, God has provided Brian with rays of hope through his family, his faith in the gospel, substitute teaching, and finding humor in daily activities.

Join us in this heartfelt episode where Brian shares many personal stories and spiritual insights to inspire us and remind us of the reality of God in our lives, and the importance of finding hope and inspiration in the journey.

*** Please SHARE Brian's story and help us spread hope and light to others. ***

To WATCH this episode on YouTube, visit: https://youtu.be/SzozcPrJ7-k

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To BUY Brian's book "Mr. Boyd is Pregnant: The Woes and Triumphs of a Substitute Teacher", go to (direct link): https://www.amazon.com/Mr-Boyd-Pregnant-Triumphs-Substitute/dp/1960397710

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Also, if you have a faith-promoting or inspiring story, or know someone who does, please let us know by going to https://www.latterdaylights.com and reaching out to us.

Transcript

Alisha Coakley: 0:00

Hi everyone. I'm Scott Brandley and I'm Alisha Coakley. Every member of the church has a story to share, one that can instill faith, invite growth and inspire others.

Scott Brandley: 0:10

On today's episode we're going to hear how one substitute teacher is taking a life faced with hardship and mental health struggles and using hope and humor to fulfill his purpose. Welcome to Latter-day Lights. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Latter-day Lights. We're so glad you're here with us today and we're really excited to introduce our guest to you, brian Boyd. Brian, welcome to the show, my friend our guest to you, brian Boyd.

Brian Boyd: 0:47

Brian, welcome to the show, my friend, it's really good to be here.

Alisha Coakley: 0:53

I appreciate you guys looking me up and begging me to be on your show. I did too.

Brian Boyd: 1:07

I have to say I love the intro. It makes me sound like a superhero of some kind and I just have learned that I have to self-deprecate and laugh, because if I don't, it's so easy to slip over into self-criticism and self-hatred. So if you just laugh and joke, it just lightens things up a lot more. So I may brag about myself a lot, but I'm just joking.

Scott Brandley: 1:33

I love it I love it, so you guys know each other right.

Alisha Coakley: 1:39

We do, yeah. So Mr Brian was my neighbor when we lived back in Elko. He moved first and abandoned us and then we ended up moving from Elko, but he was a great neighbor. He and his wife Cindy were both like super sweet. Their yard was always beautiful and it made me feel self-conscious, because I'm not a yard person. I would be fine and I actually do have AstroTurf in my yard now that I'm in Texas, which is great Because it just looks good all the time.

Alisha Coakley: 2:10

Oh yeah, yeah, not in my front yard, but in my backyard. It's my favorite place in my whole yard is just the AstroTurf. I don't know, it's like a thing out here. It's what people do. Anyway, brian was fantastic as a neighbor. He was always so funny. My kids loved him Like I know. When we first moved there, my kids just like grav decorating for him and stuff like that. They're like we're going to decorate for Brian. I'm like, okay, so I remember because I worked.

Brian Boyd: 2:52

I worked. I was a meteorologist for 32 years and I finished up my career in Elko and that meant 32 years of rotating shift work every single week, days, swings, graveyards, and I was always so worn out and tired and by the time we lived next to you guys, I was like 100 years old and I was so, so done with everything. And I remember coming home and I'm like there's a modicum of Christmas lights on my house. It looks like kids did it because they'll go up about six feet off of whatever platform they can stand on.

Brian Boyd: 3:31

But I was like oh, I'm so, I was really touched by that, really touched, and they were just so excited, they were so excited to surprise you. That's funny.

Alisha Coakley: 3:42

Well, I know how awesome you are and Scott got a little glimpse of it a little earlier but why don't you go ahead and tell our listeners a little bit more about you?

Brian Boyd: 3:53

Well gosh, where do I begin? First of all, I'd just like to say I seem to be sitting here like this, being thoughtful. In reality, just so everybody knows, I just, this last month, found out I'm coming down with an eye condition that I think will be apropos to talk about later on. It's neurological and my eyes will kind of twitch sometimes, and so if I touch them they're okay, but if I don't, it looks like I'm winking at people or flirting with people, you know um, and so if I just touch them now, and then yeah, it's okay now anyway. So I'm sorry if that's distracting, um, you're good.

Brian Boyd: 4:39

I, I had goodly parents.

Brian Boyd: 4:43

In fact, the one thing I'll tell you about my patriarchal blessing is that it says I was born to goodly parents and I was 13 when I got it, which back in those days, usually they wanted you to be 18 before you got your patriarchal blessing, and now they want you to be younger because you need to know these things.

Brian Boyd: 5:02

And so I was 13, I was kind of young, I was pretty immature. I'm in seventh grade but when it said that I thought goodly parents, my parents, my parents are dorks and I didn't understand what that meant. But as I got into parenthood I realized how goodly my parents really were and my dad was not a member of the church. My mother had joined the church when I was three and we had lived in San Diego, california, and I remember joining my mom, suddenly going to church and taking me to primary and I loved primary because all the kids there was like five days a week to church and taking me to primary and I loved primary because all the kids there was like five days a week of preschool and then church on Sunday.

Alisha Coakley: 5:50

Yeah.

Brian Boyd: 5:50

And I remember going outside after church one day and climbing the palm trees. And they're not the kind of palm trees we have in Southwest Utah, they're the kind with the big spiky things that come off and you can slice your body in half on one. Yes, and I'm climbing that, I'm having a blast. And my mom came out and grabbed me off there and said she said, what are you doing? And I was thinking, oh, I'm in trouble because I could get hurt. And she goes they are going to kick us out of this church If you climb the trees. What kind of a church kicks you out for climbing trees? I don't know how I felt about that, but we kept going back and we did this every single week. My mom made sure we went to church every single week.

Brian Boyd: 6:37

My dad he was not interested in religion, he was the greatest dad ever. He's a perfect dad for me. Just religion was. He thought it was ridiculous. I don't think he disbelieved in God, it just wasn't for him. They had been married in a little Methodist church in their little town in the mountains of Colorado and I didn't come along until eight years later. So I was, you know, really wanted, didn't come along till eight years later. So I was, you know, really wanted, but the LDS missionaries would come through town about every two or three years and baptize a bunch of people, hand out books of Mormon and then leave town. They never formed a branch and so nobody ever really got going with their testimonies. They were just without purse or script, these guys. They would show up, people would put them up and they'd leave. They were just itinerant preachers.

Brian Boyd: 7:28

Well, my grandmother, my dad's mom, joined the church and she always had a testimony, but she was very unhealthy and eventually died of diabetes. She couldn't go to church, but she kept her testimony. My uncle, my dad's brother, also was baptized. He's the one that sent the missionaries to my mom and dad in California, and the first time my mom said she just said no, we're not interested, and they left. She said, though by the time I was three years old, she was now humble enough to let the missionaries in, because having a three-year-old will do that to you, and so she let the missionaries in. Having a three-year-old will do that to you, yeah. And so she let the missionaries in. They taught her, and two weeks later she was baptized. Wow, and then she had some remarkable faith-building experiences and spiritual experiences that she wanted so badly to share, but nobody would listen. My dad didn't want to hear it. By this time my uncle had left the church Not formally, but he was very disgruntled and left.

Brian Boyd: 8:31

But my brothers and I were raised in the gospel and my dad we struggled because he wanted help with his work on the side and it happened on Sundays a lot. So sometimes I could find an excuse not to go to church. Well, living in California about the time I was five and this is a little hard to talk about because it's going to be public now but when I was five years old and we were going to church, there was a boy in the neighborhood seven. He was kind of a weird kid. Nobody really liked him, but he would come over to my house and play sometimes and he, to be blunt, sexually abused me. I would say it was in a mild way, but I didn't know what was going on and I felt horrible about it. It was wrong. I knew it was wrong, but yet it was intriguing. What's going on here? As I grew older I realized that little boy, his home life must have been a living hell.

Alisha Coakley: 9:36

It must have been awful.

Brian Boyd: 9:39

Well, I didn't want any part of it. I went to church and everything was okay, but then I was exposed to pornography when I was 10. And that you know, that's a bad age. That opens the door. As time went on, I got to be a teenager and I was president of the chess club when I was in seventh grade. Okay, that is the high calling of nerd in charge. I mean, I am chess club president and there's not a lot of cheerleaders that want to go out with the chess club president. Okay, and so I wasn't good at sports. But then I decided I was going to try wrestling because it looked like fun, because I can't do sports with balls. I have no hand-eye coordination. I found out I was really good at wrestling. Then I found out I was really good at weightlifting and then I got my growth spurt.

Brian Boyd: 10:32

So when I hit ninth grade I was big and strong and ripped and mean and angry and all those bullies that used to pick on me. I got my revenge. And when I tell people that especially like kids that I sub with now we talk about bullying I said I didn't have to go find them and beat them up because I didn't have to. They were all afraid of me just because I had already beat other people up and they just left me alone. That was my revenge. Over the years I've tried to contact them because I don't want to make amends for me being cruel in return, but I can just never bring myself to get a hold of them and say, hey, can we be friends on Facebook, you know? Because it just yeah. The best I can do now is pray for them and hope that they've grown up like I have. Wow, that's interesting. Anyway, I guess.

Scott Brandley: 11:29

The last podcast we did was a story about somebody that was bullied and he held a grudge for 54 years and then finally confronted the guy and they became good friends.

Alisha Coakley: 11:44

Yeah, you'd be surprised what could happen.

Brian Boyd: 11:50

I was a bully, I became a bully and most of the bullies were bullied. Yeah, that's how that works. And their anger grows and then they finally take it out on somebody, some other innocent victim.

Alisha Coakley: 12:01

Yep, I heard a saying years ago that said hurt people, hurt other people, and I was like, oh, it just resonates fully and it gives me like a different perspective now, whenever people are being rude or mean, or whenever you know you hear those horrible stories. How can someone do that? Well, it's because it was done to them, probably, or something was done to them. Something was done to them. Maybe not the same thing, but something was done to them. Something was done to them. Maybe not the same thing, but something was done.

Brian Boyd: 12:27

So the little boy. When I was five and he was seven, something happened to him at home and he was doing the same thing. He learned because no little seven year old boy knows that stuff. Nobody, nobody knows that.

Alisha Coakley: 12:38

No, they don't at all. Well, brian, we're going to let you go ahead and have the whole floor so that you can tell us your whole story, and we're interested in knowing what happened. Come high school. You said you're bullying and stuff. So what happens after that?

Brian Boyd: 12:58

Okay, this is where the good part starts. I went on to high school and I was so full of anger we went to church every week. I remember when I was 12, I didn't want to go to church, I hated it. I got picked on there. My mom said where are you going? I said whatever happened to free agency she goes. You have the agency, she goes. You can go to church mad or you can go to church happy. That's your choice. Fine, then I'll go to church angry. So I did for about a month and then I realized this wasn't getting anything done.

Alisha Coakley: 13:37

So I just put up with it.

Brian Boyd: 13:39

But I remember when I was about 14, I was playing football on a team and we had an after-season football game or a party at a guy's house, a sleepover, just a bunch of guys, and the sleepover boy, his dad, brought down a couple cases of beer. We're 14 years old. He said hey guys, this is about the time I started drinking beer, so it's the time you started drinking too. I mean, none of our parents knew my mom had been mortified. My dad even, who had a beer now and then, would have said this is illegal. He would have called the cops. But I'm not going to tell my parents cause, you know, they're still dorks.

Brian Boyd: 14:19

And so, yeah, I had my first beer and I was 14. And within 10 minutes I went in the bathroom and puked my guts out. It made me so sick. I had no tolerance for the alcohol. So after I was done throwing up in there, I went in back at the party and had two more, and you know, the second one didn't make me as sick and the third one made me downright drunk. And I was a friendly drunk. I wasn't angry like some of the guys, but I was addicted. I was totally addicted because I had no tolerance for it.

Brian Boyd: 14:54

And after that it was missed weekends. And there were weekends. I couldn't remember what happened. I was with my best friend and we'd go to his house and just drink his parents' liquor. And I'd come to school and they'd have something. Somebody'd have something in their locker and we'd drink it in the hallway Vodka, because it didn't smell, you can smell it.

Brian Boyd: 15:16

And then I had a really good friend who got me started smoking cigarettes and pot. His parents were okay with it, as long as he didn't stink up the house, wow. And then after that he got me started with speed, barbiturates and LSD. Oh my gosh, and I mean, I was addicted to everything and I loved it. I had no regrets. My grades plummeted, except and this makes sense now when I was on speed. Then my grades soared because I had undiagnosed ADHD and the medications I give for it now is essentially amphetamine.

Brian Boyd: 16:01

And it cleared my mind and it settled my nerves down. It did everything it's supposed to do if you have ADHD.

Alisha Coakley: 16:10

Right.

Brian Boyd: 16:12

So I got good grades, but then when I quit taking it, my grades plummeted again because I couldn't focus. Well, one thing led to another had a weird experience. I asked this girl out. She was a member of the church in our ward and I considered her an angel of God. I admired her and two opposite people more opposite there could not be. She was temple, worthy and righteous and kind and Christ-like and I was everything else. And I asked her out. Nobody turned me down because I mean, I was good looking, I know I was. I was good looking, I was buff, I was a bad boy, I was everything. And she said no. And I was shocked. That never happened before and she was my friend. But she said let me explain to you why. She said I want to marry someone who's worthy to be a general authority. They don't have to be a general authority, but they have to be worthy, and you're not worthy. I was like wow, she said the words that everybody was thinking and I knew in my heart, but she said it out loud and I respected her enough that it didn't make me mad. It disappointed me in myself because I'll still be your friend, but that's all Okay.

Brian Boyd: 17:41

So several months later, I'm 17 years old, my mom comes to me and says there's a fireside, stake fireside. This is in a Denver area. This guy is coming from Utah. He's going to speak thing and sitting there for a couple hours no way, I'm not doing it. It's religious and I don't like church. And I said no. I got plans with my friends. And then she said that she made me a deal I couldn't refuse. She said if you go to this, I will never ask you to go to church again forever. That's a good deal. I'll take it. That'll shut her up forever.

Scott Brandley: 18:35

You know where this is going right. I can't believe she would make that deal.

Alisha Coakley: 18:39

I mean I would have like an angel of the Lord. Come and tell me to do that.

Brian Boyd: 18:46

Yeah, my mom was the most mild-mannered Latter-day Saint angel ever and I know she had prayed about this before and said what can I do? And the Lord said make him a deal. So she said oh, you think that'll work, just do it, okay. So she made that deal, not knowing where it was going to go. And that's the key you don't know. Just do what you're asked to do by the spirit and let the chips fall. So I went to the fireside and I sat in the back by the door because I was going to make my exit as soon as it was over. And the guy spoke and for the first time in a long time, I felt the influence of the Holy Ghost so powerfully on me that God loved me. He was patient with me. He wanted me back.

Brian Boyd: 19:36

What I was doing was wrong, was destroying me and other people, and he wanted me to stop now and change from this moment on, wanted me to stop now and change from this moment on. And I sat there and bawled in the back of the chapel and I I remember peers and people turn around and looking at me like boy, it's crying. Yeah, I didn't cry. I beat people up. I didn't cry and I went home and my heart was changed. But I had to change habits. So we had a new bishop and I respected him because he had been an alcoholic and had gotten reactivated in church, got his temple blessings and then they called him to be bishop and I know he still struggled with addiction at the time. This was back in the 70s. You didn't call people who'd been alcoholics to be bishop. They just didn't do that. But I respected him and I thought you know what? I can't lie to him like I've lied to the other bishops. He'll know because he's been here.

Brian Boyd: 20:45

So he went around to all the priests and said I just want to interview each of you just to get to know you, since I'm new to this, and I want to get to know you guys, and I put it off and put it off, and put it off and then one week, about 10 minutes before sacrament meeting and I'm, I'm blessing the sacrament, this this whole all these years, unworthily, he pulls me aside into his office. He goes come on, let's talk for a minute. He doesn't have any idea. So I go in there and I'm just my heart is sinking because I can't lie. This is it. This is the turning point. Sat down across from him, and he goes. So, brian, how you doing? Oh, bishop, is horrible, it's just horrible. And I went, I just you ever see the movie Goonies? Yeah, Chunk.

Brian Boyd: 21:30

I'm Chunk, and when I was 12, I did this, and when I was 13, I don't know, I don't know.

Alisha Coakley: 21:35

I'm just I'm confessing everything.

Brian Boyd: 21:37

Yeah, that's right. When I saw that movie and I saw Chunk, I went man, I understand, I'm with you, man, I love Chunk, you know. So anyway, I told him everything. Well, counselor pops his head in right before the top of the hour, it's church time and the bishop says I'm not going to make it go, you take care of it. The bishop, or the counselor, looked at me and looked at the bishop and I could see him get a little smile on his face, like counselor looked at me and looked at the bishop and I could see him get a little smile on his face, like you know, um, and it took me three hours to confess everything I could think of to the bishop.

Brian Boyd: 22:13

Three hours we sat there and I just I unloaded cause I was like I've got to, I've got to get it all out. So then he threatened to excommunicate me and you didn't do that to 17 year olds back then Well, ever, but it was, the stuff was bad and he was going to, he was going to ask me to keep me. So then he talked to stake president about this. I said okay. So I went to leave and he said oh, tomorrow you're going to break up with your girlfriend. You're going to tell all your friends you can't be friends with them anymore. That's what you're going to do. That's the first thing. You're going to go to seminary and you're going to read the book of Mormon every day. It's giving me a list of things. Okay, I was sick. I went home and the next day I talked to my girlfriend and I said I got to break up, I'm going back to church and I could have changed my life and, of course, broke her heart and all her friends hated my guts and then all my druggie friends. I was an athlete too. I was in two worlds. They came to me and said at lunchtime they said, hey, let's go up on the football field and smoke a doobie. And I was like, guys, I quit, I quit that. They're like come on, we're joking around, let's go. I said, no, I'm telling you, man, I quit, I'm going back to church. And they just stared at me and then they started laughing. I said you're a Jesus freak? I said, well, yeah, I am. I'm a Jesus freak and I'm clean. Um, it's been one day, right 36 hours, since I got high. I'm like I'm done, I'm done. And they said you'll never do it, man, we've tried, you can't do it. I wish I could tell you more, but that's the wrong thing to say to me is you can't do it? Oh, really. So now it's game on between me and them and I'm going to prove to them I can do it. So they left laughing.

Brian Boyd: 24:01

Every single day they ride me hard, but every single one of them came to me privately and said, hey, don't tell anybody else, I'm here. But how'd you do it, man? Because I want to quit too. I said well, you got to quit hanging around with them. Come and hang around with me and we'll do it together. And they'd be like, oh man, I can't, because they'll make fun of me. I said, yeah, I know you made fun of me too. Well, yeah, yeah, sorry about that, really sorry about that, but they wouldn't quit, they wouldn't leave that group or that environment.

Brian Boyd: 24:30

So I go in the library we could take our lunch into the library. I go in there and I sit by myself and I read a book and then guess who comes along. But this girl that I'd had a crush on that wouldn't go out with me. She comes in and sits down and she goes what are you doing in here by yourself? Because I was always out in the middle of the chaos, I said I quit, I quit everything, I'm going back to church and I quit doing the drugs and everything. And she stared at me and then she started crying, doing the drugs and everything. And she stared at me and then she started crying and she said I am so proud of you and I'm your friend and I'll be here for you. And she went and got her lunch and came back and sat down with me. She had lunch with me every time we're just friends and then pretty soon her friends came in and then I started finding out that even though they were a bunch of geeks, they were really cool and at first they were suspicious of me and then they she, she endorsed me and then everything was okay and pretty soon we have about 20 people in there eating lunch together and the librarian kicked us all out because there was too many of us. And then we'd find other people sitting by themselves and we'd go invite them to come and eat lunch with us and we had half the lunchroom eventually and it was just good kids that wanted to be together.

Brian Boyd: 25:53

And I still did sports and I still had an anger issue and I still had ADHD that was uncontrolled and I still get suicidal ideation sometimes and had all these things. And then I grew up, went on my mission, had a very successful mission to Sweden and, because of my mental health issues, I had times when I was so full of energy and able to do great things and leap tall buildings in a single bound. And then there were other times when I had a hard time getting up because I just wanted to die and I didn't understand all this. But when I was released, my mission president just said well done, you had a great mission and now go home and do the things you're supposed to do. So I went home and I went to BYU because everybody else did, but they didn't have what I wanted to study.

Brian Boyd: 26:47

But I prayed about it. You're supposed to go there, all right? I went. So I was in English class one night and I saw this really good looking girl about my age and asked if I could walk her home. I'd never met her before in my life. We had a lot in common and I said, hey, can I walk you back to your dorm? And she went. That's a dead giveaway when a girl does that when you ask her out.

Alisha Coakley: 27:12

Biting the bottom lip huh, yep.

Brian Boyd: 27:16

So I walked her home and three weeks later we were engaged to be married. What, oh wow. Three weeks and it just three weeks weeks and it was just right. And now we've been married for 43 years, later this year.

Alisha Coakley: 27:31

That is insane.

Brian Boyd: 27:32

So and we still are getting to know each other because you just it doesn't. Marriage is like that you get to know each other and you find out things and you have to adjust and learn and repent and help. Marriage is hard but I have somebody that loves me and understands where I'm coming from. So we have kids, we have a life. I become a meteorologist eventually after doing everything else, and life had its mostly ups, some downs, but I was always so full of anger and self-hatred and regret because I remember everything I've ever done and I can't let it go. I remember my address when I was four years old. When I was five years old, I remember my phone number when I was 12. When I was five years old, I remember my phone number when I was 12. That's a blessing because I can tell my grandkids stories, but it's a curse because I remember people I hurt all along the way. I know their names and their facial expressions. Well, yeah, sometime into our marriage now we have teenagers and we had gone to some marriage therapy and I was trying really hard to understand why I was so angry and I began praying and I've always had a testimony of the gospel, always. I've never doubted. I've had very powerful spiritual experiences that have lifted me out of my suicidal ideation and brought me back down into humility from my ups. So I prayed really hard for a period of time that I could see how I was affecting my family. Show me how my family feels about me. What's going on? And I was yelling at my kids one day teenagers for something they'd done probably deserved to be in trouble for, because they were teens. And this vision opened to me of me standing there as an evil spirit, screaming and yelling at these innocent souls and them cowering and covering themselves in fear. And I thought they are terrified of me. This is how they live their life afraid to say anything because it might offend me or make me mad. And I was so shook up and I just apologized and I ran off and I went and wept and wept and prayed. I just apologized and I ran off and I went and wept and wept and prayed.

Brian Boyd: 30:04

Shortly after that, cindy came to me and said you either need to get help or we're done. I'm taking the kids and leaving. I've had enough, it's over. Wow, and it's come to that. I mean I believed her. She was. She doesn't. She's a horrible liar. So when she says something. That's how it is, and I believed her.

Brian Boyd: 30:30

So I found a counselor. He was a Christian-based counselor, not LDS, and I was totally fine with that because I wanted something where I could at least talk about the scriptures, because that's a huge part of our lives. And I sat down with him and we went through several sessions and I was making good progress and finding things out and suddenly one day he goes. He goes listen, I'm not legally entitled to make a diagnosis but he wrote something on a yellow sticky and shoved it across the desk at me and said just go home on the internet and look this up, all right. So I took it and laughed.

Brian Boyd: 31:06

I got home and it said bipolar disorder. I went bipolar disorder. That's craziness. All I knew about bipolar people was that they ended up bankrupt, they ended up with STDs, they ended up in jail, they killed themselves. Bipolar people are loonies. And he's suggesting I'm bipolar.

Brian Boyd: 31:29

And I looked it up online and I was like well, actually I may be. There was a list of 20 symptoms. I got on a reputable website you know not, you know Joe's mental healthorg or whatever. I got on a reputable website and I looked it up and there was these 20 symptoms that were common. I was like, oh my gosh, I have 18 of those that I can see myself. I checked them off. I printed off another copy, blank, with just the symptoms on it, and we were.

Brian Boyd: 31:59

We were flying on a long trip across country and as we got on the plane I just handed Cindy this list and I said just check off the ones you think you that you see in me. So she checked off and then we changed lists and they were the exact same 18. I went well, at least I don't have two of them. That's a good thing, and that was an eye opener. And she was real quiet about it and I said I believe this, going back in my life, it explains everything back to when I was seven years old and hated myself so much. Sometimes I wanted to die but I didn't know how to accomplish it because I was seven. But I thought everybody would be better off without me. I wish I weren't here. Even God hates me. And seven years old.

Brian Boyd: 32:52

And where did that come from? Because my parents didn't treat me that way, didn't? I was well-liked by friends and family and it came from the chemical imbalance inside. And it came from the chemical imbalance inside and I wouldn't put it past. You know, the's probably in my fifties. She said I'm so sorry we didn't know when you were a teenager we could have taken care of this. I was like mom when I was a teenager. They took bipolar people and gave them lobotomies and shoved them in a hospital for the rest of their lives. That's all treatment was, even though they'd had medication for it for 40 years. It was too much trouble and it was barbaric. But I said I'm glad you didn't know, because the stuff I did go through I could repent for, I could learn from and I'm okay. So anyway, I've learned.

Brian Boyd: 34:00

If you look at Moses chapter one, that's one of my favorite chapters here comes Moses. He's kind of oblivious to eternity. He thinks mankind is pretty hot stuff and he talks to God face to face and he's like, oh my gosh, mankind is nothing. I never knew, I never supposed. And now, but I've talked to God and he called me his son and said that I'm in the likeness of his only begotten, I am special, even though I realize I'm not him. He loves me and I'm going to. It's okay, I'm okay, I'm his project, we're all his project.

Brian Boyd: 34:43

And then the Lord withdraws. I love how the Lord is in charge, because this pattern covers all of us. In every situation, the Lord will show you something wonderful, you have a powerful spiritual experience, and then he withdraws and you have this downer. And sometimes, in that vacuum, the adversary moves in and actually will try to counterfeit things or tell you it really didn't happen or it wasn't what you thought, and he'll try to talk you out of it. And in worst cases, like what happened to Moses, he'll come in and say I am the only begotten, worship me, which is a lie. But Moses said to him hey, I am a son of God, created in the image of his only begotten, and I could not behold him except with spiritual eyes. But I can look at you, is it not so surely?

Alisha Coakley: 35:36

Right.

Brian Boyd: 35:37

And every time I read that I want to say and don't call me, surely.

Scott Brandley: 35:41

But don't.

Brian Boyd: 35:44

But Moses had this powerful experience and then he cast Satan out by the power of the only begotten. And then the father comes back and talks to him again and says okay, see, here's what just happened, moses, I gave you this great experience. I left you alone. Satan moved in, you cast him out. Now I'm back, I have more to show you, and Moses is like and I haven't had that experience, but my bipolar disorder has enabled me to have such serious downs where I am staring into the bitterness of hell and then I get through it because he brings me up just enough to keep me from doing it. And I know it's going to end. Intellectually, I know this isn't going to last forever. Spiritually, I feel so rotten, but I pray and I know the Lord will not desert me or leave me alone. He's there because the Son of man hath descended below them all and I am not greater than he.

Brian Boyd: 36:45

I have imagined myself in the garden of Gethsemane. What would I do if I were there? I keep telling myself I was the angel that came and strengthened him. I keep telling myself, what if I wasn't there? What if I were standing at the gate and saw the disciples asleep and saw the Savior in agony. What if I were standing at the gate and saw the disciples asleep and saw the Savior in agony? I'd like to think I would run over and hold him and speak softly to him and encourage him. And I was praying about that one time as I was really down and the Spirit said to me thank you, and I know you mean that and I know you're brave enough to do that. Now what I want you to do is go defend me out there and speak up for me and be like me to the people you serve.

Brian Boyd: 37:46

So after I retired well, I wasn't going to retire because you know no money, but I was so worn out physically and mentally it was wreaking havoc on my emotional states. Even though I'm medicated and therapied and I know coping mechanisms, it's still hard. But I just told the Lord I can't take this anymore, but I can't afford to do this. And then we got some financial advice and we worked it out and I was praying about it and I said I talked to the heavenly father straight up, and he just talks to me straight up. And I said what do you want me to do, heavenly father? Should I retire or not? He goes. What do you want to do? I went no, no, no, no, no, that's not how it works. You tell me what you want me to do and then I go do it. He goes no, no, no, that's not how it works. You tell me what you want and I'll make it happen. I went oh well, I want to retire and move to St George because we have family there and I can do something else. He goes all right, I'll make it happen. Okay, thanks, and it wasn't easy. You know, it wasn't easy getting to the promised land for the Lehite s, but they made it and I kissed the ground when they got there and I didn't kiss the ground of St George, but we're happy to be here. So I'm here and I got nothing to do because I can't flip channels all day like some of the other retired guys in the neighborhood. I just can't do that Right.

Brian Boyd: 39:12

So finally, cindy said why don't you go look into substitute teaching? I was like, oh, I never thought of that, because I've worked with kids in the past primary youth. I taught seminary for seven years. Early morning. I like kids and as a meteorologist, I was always the one that went out and did the. They went to the mass communication colleges and got their degree in mass communications and how to stand in front of a green screen, how to look good, how to perform. But they have some meteorology and some math. But I worked for the government and it's all meteorology and all math and almost know how to look good on camera because we don't need to.

Alisha Coakley: 40:03

Right.

Brian Boyd: 40:04

So I keep thinking. Cindy loved the Big Bang Theory. You know that show and these guys are hardcore geeks, man Hardcore, hardcore, super intelligent, no social skills, and they're so funny. Ha ha ha. Except that I feel like that's who I worked with for 32 years. Right Is the cast of the Big Bang Theory and I just she laughs at it. You want to watch this with me? I'm like no, you spent 11 hours there today. I can't do it anymore. All the people I worked with. It's just that I liked going out and doing the outreach, so I got to go to all the schools and I just ate it up.

Brian Boyd: 40:47

I developed a presentation and a way to get rapport with kindergartners and college students and highway department officials. I just could change on a fly. So substitute teaching. So I went out and the first day I subbed a first grade class. I walk in and I'm thinking I'm in grandpa mode. That is the wrong thing to do with first graders. Yeah, Because I can't. I can't get them all hyped up and then give them to mom and dad and go home. I had him for eight hours, oh my gosh so.

Brian Boyd: 41:19

but I walk in and I'm talking to him and this one little girl is sitting here with her arms folded.

Scott Brandley: 41:26

She is not happy to see me.

Brian Boyd: 41:27

They haven't had. They've had subs, but they haven't had a man. So this is a hard thing for them, some of them. I finally I said, excuse me, sweetie, do you have a question? And she goes, you're not a lady, I just went. Well, how do I handle this? Because I could give several creepy answers but I got to be careful here.

Brian Boyd: 41:54

I was like no good, you're a good noticer. No, I'm a man. In fact, I'm a grandpa. Do you have a grandpa? And we went from there and about 15 minutes minutes she was okay. But then she had to ask a question. If you don't call on them, you're going to. You have to call on them, otherwise it just goes on forever. I said you have to have a question. She goes are you going to have a baby, like my mom? And all the kids are staring at me like they want an answer because they're first grade and maybe I'm going to have a baby. And I was like I said no, and she goes because she's going to be born tomorrow. So not only am I pregnant, I'm due any minute now. So they're all looking at me with these innocent eyes. I said no, sweetie, I just have a big belly. She goes. Oh, okay, she was willing to accept that. It made sense.

Brian Boyd: 42:51

So time went on, week after week, month after month, and I started posting on my Facebook feed under hashtag substories and I would just post these little things that happened. I always changed the gender. Well, not always. Most of the time I changed identifying information. So there's no pattern. Nobody can figure it out.

Brian Boyd: 43:11

But the stories are all true and I had people laughing and laughing and finally somebody said you need to collect these and write them in a book. So I started keeping them in a Word doc and then eventually I got a couple hundred pages and a friend of mine publishes children's stories and I got a clue from her and contacted the publisher and they published the book. They loved it. They said we need a cover, we need a cover picture and a title. I said, well, okay, so I had Cindy draw a picture of me, you know, pointing at the kids, like knock it off, because my trademark no smile face. And then I used the line from that little girl, mr Boyd is pregnant, as the title and it catches people's attention. If you just type in Mr Boyd is pregnant on Amazon, bang, there it is. Yeah, nobody else is pregnant like me. I guess that has given me more fulfillment.

Brian Boyd: 44:19

That and my primary calling than any other worldly endeavor I've done in my life and I can't again, can't serve a mission, church mission because of some circumstances, some health issues and other things. But I can substitute, teach and I get to pick and choose my hours, my schools, the teachers I work with and every time I walk in to a new class the first thing I say is it's a line from the book no smiling, no laughing, no having fun. And I stare him down because I have that face. And some of them look at me. It doesn't matter the age. Some of them look at me like this is the worst sub ever.

Brian Boyd: 44:58

But the other ones are going dude, he's joking man, it's a joke, and they get it. Even the little kids understand it's a game. It's game on. And then we have smiling games. But I love hearing their heart-wrenching stories and just I want to be. If they have one positive interaction with an adult, that day, I want it to be me.

Brian Boyd: 45:23

And we want to get our work done, but I want it to be so that they go. I'm going back to school tomorrow. You know, I want to go back again. And in primary today I have the older kids and I love them and they know that my partner teacher and I love them and even though they're older, I still call them monkeys and they, you know, they eat that up. The girls are going. I'm not a monkey, I'm like you're just, you are, you're just a pretty monkey, but that you're still a monkey. And um, anyway, I've just used primary. Primary, there are monkeys are great and um.

Brian Boyd: 46:01

There's girl monkeys. Monkeys are great. The other day, though, I have to reevaluate myself a little bit Cindy said to me she goes, you know you are very good with kids. I'm like, oh, thank you very much. She goes, start working on how you were with grownups. You know, you're probably right, you're're probably right. So that's my next goal is start working on my relationship with grown-ups and god.

Brian Boyd: 46:36

You know, I guess through all this, um, learning about being bipolar and going back through trauma in my life that has happened to me because there's much more and the trauma I have caused other people, um, I see the hand of the Lord every step of the way, even though I disobeyed or I strayed. I see where he brought me back. Um, I can go back through my life and see a string of cause and effects there. I see where he brought me back. I can go back through my life and see a string of cause and effects. I don't believe there are coincidences. I see a string of cause and effect, incidents that go back to forever how far back do you want to go? That have led me to this podcast today. There's no coincidence. I don't know why I'm here, but I'm hoping that somebody will see this and think I'm bipolar.

Brian Boyd: 47:30

I I almost took my own life last week. I don't have to do that. If I can wait it out, it will go away. If I can reach out for help, it will go away. Or if they're angry and they're hypomanic and they're angry and they're bitter and they're aggressive, they can say I just need to be alone and it'll go away. And then pray and ask the lord to intervene and step in, save me from myself. That's well, that's what I want to do.

Brian Boyd: 48:02

And kids are no different man. I got a. I was taking roll the other day and I get access to their medical conditions because I need to know. One girl had sudden seizures well, that's good to know that. And she had one in class and the kids knew what to do. So they went over and kind of held on to her, you know, keep her from hurting herself. And then one of them ran over and hit the red button for the office, you know, and I just had to be there and kind of stay by her. But I read one one boy has severe PTSD, he's nine and it comes from home life.

Brian Boyd: 48:45

And had a list of people that were not allowed to make contact with the school and I had to be aware should a stranger walk in the door. I think there's nine year old kids. I did not have a childhood like that.

Alisha Coakley: 48:57

Yeah.

Brian Boyd: 48:59

I don't have an adulthood like that, you know. So how do I be a hero for them? And that's what I'm working on now. How do I be a hero given my physical limitations and use my strengths to bless other people, and how can I bless adults? Because apparently I need work on that.

Scott Brandley: 49:25

Adults are overrated.

Alisha Coakley: 49:28

Well, you know what? Adults are just big kids. Think of it like that. They're just little kids, Right yeah?

Scott Brandley: 49:35

that's true.

Brian Boyd: 49:37

You know, explore that for a minute because it hit me the other day we like snacks, right.

Alisha Coakley: 49:45

We love snacks we don't really want to work when we have an option to play. We love snacks until the first graders think you're pregnant.

Brian Boyd: 49:54

Even then we just feel bad.

Scott Brandley: 49:56

Some of us like snacks more than others, that's my superpower.

Brian Boyd: 50:02

Look, you're pregnant with a baby okay.

Alisha Coakley: 50:04

That's it.

Brian Boyd: 50:06

Alisha, I thought about that the other day when I was calling a bunch of kids monkeys and the thought came to me. It might have been just from my head, but I think it's true that the Lord looks upon us as his children and in his view, I haven't been here a whole lot longer than a six-year-old, but I am accountable for my actions. I have a lot of baggage that I've brought along. Now, a six-year-old doesn't usually have a lot of baggage, but you know, I've never had an after-death experience or a near-death experience. But I know of people who have, and they were adults. And one was my niece, 14, and she eventually died of a brain tumor and she reminded me a lot of that girl that saved me in high school, just pure in heart, and those kind of people sometimes don't last very long on earth, you know. But I had to stop judging myself because I've lasted a long time. Does that mean I'm useless and have to repent of a lot more things? It's taken me this long, whereas I didn't die when I was 14, because I was so pure. The Lord took me home. You know, we can run into that dangerous circle of thinking. But, my friend in high school.

Brian Boyd: 51:25

I'm in Sweden and this is the 70s, so it takes two weeks to get a letter by airmail, right? If you don't write airmail on the envelope, it goes by boat. It would take two to six months to get a letter. So my family always had to write airmail on there. I got a letter kind of at an odd time in between times, because I usually sent one every couple of weeks. So I get this letter from my mom and it wasn't really a letter, it was just like I could tell it was one thin sheet of paper with something in it. I opened it up, it was a newspaper clipping and it was the obituary for the girl that saved me in high school.

Brian Boyd: 52:05

She was killed by a drunk driver and you know it devastated a lot of people. But I can also say I don't believe she came to earth to save Brian Boyd Whoa. You know that was not her only mission on earth, but I think the Lord used it kind of as a successful sideline to what she was doing for so many people. I was one of them and I I contacted her parents and let them know how much she meant to me and how she saved me, and I know she saved a lot of people and of course you know I'm told that her funeral was attended by just countless people that loved and admired her. And you know, someday I'll see my friend and I'll give her a fist bump and tell her thanks, you know, thanks for saving me. I might even give her two fist bumps. I tell the kids at school this is good job and hello, and this is a hug, because we're not really supposed to initiate hugs with kids.

Brian Boyd: 53:11

But I can give them two fist bumps and they know what that means from Mr Boyd.

Scott Brandley: 53:15

Wow.

Brian Boyd: 53:15

So that's fun. Oh man.

Scott Brandley: 53:20

I had a question for you, brian. I had a question for you, brian. You talked about Christ descending below us all and, even at your lowest point, having bipolar disorder. What's that like, being at those low points, and how do you feel that Christ has? Or the atonement, or how do you think that played a role in it, or the?

Brian Boyd: 53:45

atonement, or how do you think that played a role in it? I had a kind of a breakthrough about 10 years ago. I was going through a particular no, it was more than that. It was probably 15 years ago. I was going through a really bad time. It was the worst down episode I ever had and I got to say most bipolar people have cycles that last anywhere from months to years. They could be down for 18 months to two years. I can't imagine that. No wonder they can't get out of it and the hypomanic episodes that last that long and they go bankrupt because of their spending and all this or they get in trouble. Mine I have been diagnosed with rapid cycling, which means my episodes can go from literally a couple of days to a few weeks at the most, usually unless a series of triggers happens. So I'm fortunate I think the Lord has blessed me that I don't. I don't stay in hell very long and I don't stay on top of the mountain very long either.

Alisha Coakley: 54:45

Yeah.

Brian Boyd: 54:46

But I was going through a hard time and I one night I decided to um drive to another state we live back East and I was going to drive off a cliff because I was done, but I didn't want them to find my body. I wanted it to disappear for a long time until the kudzu grew over it and disappeared my car. And that way, you know, I didn't make a mess at home and I didn't want one of my loved ones to find my body at home. But I wanted to go away. So I drove, and it was midnight. I'm driving up this road in the middle of the mountains, no lights, no streetlights, nothing, and I just decided to listen to some music. Little voice said turn on some music. So I put on music and I like Santana, so I put Santana on. He's rocking out and I'm really not getting into it. Then this song comes on Hold On by Santana, and if you look at the music video, it really doesn't have anything to do with what I was going through. The music video is disappointing to me a little bit and the lyrics, though while not explicit, came across to me right then as a conversation between me and God Hold on, I can't take it anymore, hold on. And it just the spirit said just hold on, turn around, go home, hold on. So I turned around and I just started driving home. When I got home that darkness fled and I was better and I went in and knelt down and prayed thanks for saving me. And so now that's one of my go-to songs as I listen to that when I'm feeling down.

Brian Boyd: 56:33

But I've been that low and lower a few times and I have to remind myself. I will actually read the story of the Savior's atonement in Gethsemane. I will read section 19 about how he talks about suffering. I will read section 19 about how he talks about suffering and I will get on the computer and I will write. It's fiction, but it's almost like a memoir, a fictional memoir of the time I was in Gethsemane with the Savior and how I helped him through his darkness, because I understood some of it.

Brian Boyd: 57:11

I've been low too and I can't imagine what you're going through, my Savior, because how hard it is we can't imagine. But I know how hard it is for me and I just want you to know that somebody's on your side and I'll help you through this. And every time I start writing I feel him close to me. I feel the spirit whisper. Thank you, thanks for being there, thanks for being on my side. I don't publish that stuff because so many people will make light of it. I've shared it with a couple of close people, but I just ask them to keep it to themselves.

Scott Brandley: 58:05

And now it's out. There you go. Well, I appreciate you, I appreciate you sharing that, because that I mean wow, like I've never. I've never considered that before. But I love that perspective, especially from someone that's that's had those those incredible downs, like to to have empathy for what the savior went through, because you've felt so low that you can relate to some degree, and I appreciate you sharing that. That really gives me a different perspective.

Brian Boyd: 58:39

You know, one other thing that really triggered it, and I think this is why we're supposed to read the scriptures every day, especially the Book of Mormon. I'm reading in 3rd Nephi. I was reading in 3rd Nephi, 17 one day.

Brian Boyd: 58:50

I've always prayed, you know, this is how you taught people to pray on your mission, dear Heavenly Father. You know, thank you, thank you, thank you, bless us, bless us, bless us in the name of Jesus Christ, amen, because most people don't know how to pray, so they need some kind of guidance. So there's their skeleton, their structure, but we are commanded to pray with all our hearts. In a different way I have just learned basically get up in the morning and go oh Heavenly Father, I hurt, but I made it through the night. I'm still here and I'm another day older and I feel it, but I'm here, here I am, and then I start praying and I kind of just leave it open, and then I talk to him throughout the day and at night I have my closing prayer and say, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. So my whole day is kind of like a you know hour, many hours long prayer. But I was reading Third Nephi.

Brian Boyd: 59:39

I came to the Nephites and they began to pray to him, calling him their savior and their Lord and praising him. And he smiled upon them and then he said pray on. And he let them pray to him. They're not praying to the father specifically, they're praying dear savior, our savior. You atone for us, thank you, thank you, thank you, we love you. And then the most miraculous things happen in that chapter and he let them pray to him.

Brian Boyd: 1:00:11

So on occasion, especially when I'm feeling down or really really hyper, to the point where I can't I got to be careful of my words and I don't hurt people I will just pray to Savior and say oh Savior, save me, me from myself, help me be more like you. Um, I really need help right now. Help me remember your suffering more. Help me remember the times you laughed. Help me know about them, because you know he laughed. My favorite pictures of him are when he's holding children and he's looking in their faces and laughing. Yeah, I used. I used to not like kids. I loved my kids, but my kids weren't snotty-nosed brats and ill-behaved. Your kids were like that, you know, um.

Scott Brandley: 1:01:04

And then he's talking to you, Alisha, right there with him.

Brian Boyd: 1:01:06

No that, but that's how I feel I love my kids so much they were frustrating. I when my when the kids were little, my wife's job was to change their diapers and feed them and nurture them because I was gone all the time. But when they became teenagers, my job was to drive around town looking for them at midnight and bringing them back home again. You know so and I and I'm a scary dude when I'm upset.

Brian Boyd: 1:01:29

But I started praying to the Lord and saying please help me have charity for children. I don't have charity. So he started giving me callings where I would involve myself with kids and I started seeing how stinking funny they are, oh my gosh. And it didn't offend me when they said I was pregnant and they're wiping their nose and wiping it on the bottom of the chair in primary and I'm like not my chair.

Brian Boyd: 1:01:54

You know I could tell you some stories about primary and you know some of the things. You know. Guess what? My dad said the F word this week. Oh well, how nice. Everybody knows who your dad is. You know, I hope my kids don't talk in primary. Please don't talk in primary. And I just started thinking they're hilarious and I don't want to be the one that offends one of his little ones and it would be better for a millstone to hang around my neck and draw me in the depths of the sea. I want to be able to say to him Savior, I love your dear little ones with a Christ-like love. I have perfect love for little children and help me have perfect love for the grown-ups, you know.

Scott Brandley: 1:02:52

Yeah, that's interesting, brian, because you know my. I wrote a book and it's about faith and part of what I share. An experience in the book of when I was on my mission and one of the zone leaders got up at zone conference and said imagine that you're, imagine a room and you're standing in this room and on the other side is a door and the door opens and somebody walks in, shuts the door behind them and they, they come. They come in the room and it's christ. You have five minutes. And he sat down.

Scott Brandley: 1:03:18

And then we were just in a room with christ for five minutes and I remember my thoughts, what I, you, my thoughts that went through my head and the actions that I took in those five minutes in my mind and it stuck with me my whole life. But, like you were saying, we don't really have conversations with Christ. I mean, he's our Savior but we always pray to God through Christ, but we never really talk to Christ, and so I can relate to your experience in some way through that experience on my mission. But having five minutes alone with the Savior changed my life in a zone conference.

Brian Boyd: 1:04:02

I had a similar experience to that. I can't elaborate but I'll never forget it and my one regret out of that experience was that I've always felt like, out of the whole room of Zone Conference, I was the one that didn't have the faith the size of a grain of mustard seed so the Savior could appear to us. In that Zone Conference I was the one that held everyone back and I know we all felt that way because I've talked to other missionaries since then.

Brian Boyd: 1:04:32

But, you always feel like if it weren't for you, we could have all seen the Savior. Well, good job. But I think we should. I just had one thought really On my mission I had a zone leader in the very beginning say you should have a spiritual experience every day.

Brian Boyd: 1:04:56

And then he left it at that and I thought that's ridiculous. I mean, a spiritual experience to me was some powerfully overwhelming the Savior appearing to the Nephites. That's a spiritual experience, but that's I don't think that's what he meant. He let me figure it out. But I prayed and I said, heavenly Father, what does he mean? I have a spiritual experience. And then I felt this peace and this love of God just infused me at that moment. And then it went away and I thought, okay, that's a spiritual experience. I felt the love of God for eight seconds and it changed my day. So every day I'd get up and pray for a spiritual experience and I can honestly say that I had a spiritual experience every day on my mission, and sometimes they weren't super positive, sometimes they were nasty treatment by some individual, but the Lord told me that I did the right thing and that he loved me for trying, and that was the spiritual experience that the other thing was just the trigger, the setting.

Brian Boyd: 1:05:58

Moses didn't have a spiritual experience when Satan appeared to him. He had a spiritual experience when the Lord came and then came back. So we're all going to have bad days, we're going to have bad phases, we're going to have bad phases, we're going to have bad years, but in between those and in the middle of them are sprinkled and infused with all kinds of powerful moments that we need to be on the lookout for, we need to ask for, and then we need to act upon, and the Lord will give us his presence. I think he's right here. I felt him today. I said, oh, the savior's right here with me. I can't see him, but he's right here, and I almost just wanted to put my armor out and say I got you, man you in a respectful way.

Alisha Coakley: 1:06:50

But thanks for being here.

Brian Boyd: 1:06:52

And I appreciate you being with me today.

Alisha Coakley: 1:06:54

Thanks, you know, brian, you had said something that like it's like bombarding my brain right now, and so I apologize that we're kind of wrapping back around to this for a minute.

Alisha Coakley: 1:07:10

But you mentioned something about how you believe, or maybe you suspect, that the adversary has something to do also with mental health, with issues, with aggravating it, right, so maybe not that he's the cause of it, but he can aggravate it and it it reminds me of the times when, when I was on on chemo for that seven years or whatever, and I remember there would be times when I felt like my my side effects were just magnified a hundredfold. And then there would be other days where I never didn't know that I had leukemia, but it wasn't at the forefront of my brain. I had enough other good stuff going on that it was such a small thing that I didn't have the worry of it, whereas maybe the day before, literally, I would just I mean, my hair hurt and my bones hurt and my nails hurt and I was nauseous all day long and it was like what the heck, you know like how is it that I, my leukemia is not better yesterday than it was today, or vice versa?

Brian Boyd: 1:08:36

today, or vice versa. Sometimes the especially depression can mask or can present itself as being surrounded by evil. But I've also had again. I can't elaborate, but I've had experiences where I've had voices tell me to kill myself. Well, one time it was the wrong medication they gave me and one of the side effects was hearing voices. Took a one time heard a voice told Cindy about it. She goes you need to stop taking that right now. Called the doctor and he says oh yeah, you probably shouldn't take that. I was like you're an idiot pal. So, um, and that's because I was in a hypomanic mood and it was an antidepressant which brought you up and it moved me from hypomanic to hypermanic, from bipolar type two to bipolar type one, where they're having hallucinations and can't function. Those people literally are hospitalized forever because they can't and they stop taking their meds as soon as they get out. They can't hold jobs, they can't have conversations. It's really bad, okay, so that happened to me one time.

Brian Boyd: 1:09:41

But I've had these promptings that the world would be better off without me. I found me better off without me. You're useless. Most of that's just chemical imbalance stuff. Some of it's just personal regret over things I can't forget and can't get past.

Brian Boyd: 1:09:55

I'm working on that, but I prayed really hard for a decade the Lord would remove this thorn from my side. I said it's not doing anybody any good, it's hurting people, it hurts me. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I can't take it anymore. Look at me, I'm on my knees, I'm begging and as clear as a bell. The spirit said no, I gave it to you when you were born because of who you are, and I knew that you would come down here and get all fired up and start getting all these things accomplished and take total credit for it for yourself and walk away from me forever. And so now you have this and it holds you back and, yes, look at you, you're on your knees, begging for my help.

Brian Boyd: 1:10:53

I'm not sure he used that tone of voice, but that's the way it felt. Was that okay? He gave it to me because of who I am, to hold me back a little bit and to teach me and to make me dependent on him, cause otherwise I would not. I'm cocky enough. I liked wrestling cause I could be cocky, you know, I'm cocky enough that me and to make me dependent on him, because otherwise I would not. I'm cocky enough. I liked wrestling because I could be cocky. You know, I'm cocky enough that I would go off on my own and this way, look at me, I'm probably the most humble guy you'll ever know you know.

Alisha Coakley: 1:11:21

So it's almost like a protection in a sense, for you, for me. It is For you, right?

Brian Boyd: 1:11:33

And then we're not saying that's for everybody, but that was your personal experience as a part of a protection. And as far as the influence of the adversary, I felt it. I felt it when I'm right now, I'm in a hypomanic phase, talkative, life of the party, life of the party. I run the risk of sort of forgetting God temporarily and doing exactly what he said I would do if he didn't give it to me and running off all cocky and doing my own thing, and so I have to be careful of that and so I have to focus on him. But then when I'm down, I run the risk of giving up and that's when the adversary moves in for me. I feel it Sometimes. I've had experiences where I can feel them around me and I use my priesthood. I mean, it's not like every day, but I'm not afraid, and the Lord knows that I'm not afraid to use and I trust him. There have been a couple times when I tried to do that and it didn't work and the voice of the Lord said these kind goeth not out, but by fasting and prayer. I was like, well, I don't have time to fast, so I'm praying right now that you get rid of this for me Gone and I think that people need to do that more. I'm down because people might say I'm down because of my marriage, I'm down because of my kids, I'm down because of sickness, I'm down because of finances. I'm down because it's a presidential election and I don't know who to vote for. That's a problem, that's stressful, and I pray about that and I say who do you know who to vote for it? That's a problem, that's stressful, and I pray about that and I say who do you want me to vote for? Help me know and and be inspired and then help me stand up for my vote If somebody challenges me on it, because they will. Um, and help me not be deceived by the adversary, because his big tool is mixing truth and error. By the adversary, because his big tool is mixing truth and error. He did that in that conversation about the trees in the garden of Eden, mixing truth and error. Some of the stuff he told Eve was true, some of the stuff was false and she was naive and she was. I love Eve, she's a. I love her and I love how she went to Adam and said, hey, we need to talk and he went okay, because he didn't know he was supposed to be upset, like when your wife comes to you now and says, hey, we need to talk. You're like, she said we need to talk and he goes okay, what about? And she goes. She explained it to him and he went oh, you did what you know. And then she goes no, trust me, listen to me, this is I see it now. This is the plan. We have to stick together. Do you see this? And he's like okay, yeah, I see what you're saying. They had a long ways to go, but God love them. Anyway, I think we're in the same boat. Still Nothing's changed. We've fallen and we're easily deceived and we need to stick to Christ.

Brian Boyd: 1:14:32

Stay on the good ship Zion. It's sailing in the storm. People jump ship when the waves get high. What are they thinking? Put your life jacket on, but stay on board ship. I've been in a ship like that. In a storm. You don't jump into the water and get off the ship when the storm hits. I don't understand that.

Brian Boyd: 1:14:54

I like that analogy well, I stole it from a general authority conference. I can't remember who, but somebody will look it up and then call me a plagiarist.

Alisha Coakley: 1:15:01

So hopefully not oh man well, I am really really, really glad that you were able to come on here today and um to share your story and your insights and stuff with us, do you? Um, no, dang it. I'm sorry, I'm getting a nudge. I'm'm sorry. I'm just going to share this and I feel like I've shared this once before on an episode not too long ago, but I haven't shared really publicly to anything like social media or whatever else.

Alisha Coakley: 1:15:46

You coming on here today and just talking specifically about the suicide attempts that you've struggled with and everything like that, I have to say it is something that we're hearing more and more of, not just by friends and family, but like we're having, right, scott, like more and more guests on our show are coming forward and they are talking about having that same struggle with with suicidal ideation, and it breaks my heart.

Alisha Coakley: 1:16:18

I we heard one guest talked about how, while men are the most successful in it, right, like teenage boys and then grown men are the most successful in it, right, like teenage boys and then grown men are the most successful with it that the attempts by women are the same number.

Alisha Coakley: 1:16:35

It's just the women tend to have less success following through and to know that there's that many people who are struggling with this kind of thing and then to have amazing people like you, brian, who are willing to come on and to talk about it and to let them know they are not alone in their struggle and that there is hope out there and that there is a way to get through that darkness by using the atonement, by using the power of Christ, you know, by trusting in his plan and by just holding on.

Alisha Coakley: 1:17:13

Just hold on a little longer to save the lives of those who are struggling with that kind of stuff, including one of my own kiddos who, back in December, had an attempt. And after this attempt, the next morning I got a text message from my kid and he shared a spiritual experience that happened, that stopped him, and one of the things that he shared with me in this text was just so profound and it was so I don't know. It just resonated so strongly with me and I just keep feeling like I kind of need to share it again, and so I just want to read this one little part Of what he said and he said.

Brian Boyd: 1:18:21

The point you're making here Is that you saved the text. I did. That's a great point. I want you saved the text. I did that's a great point. I didn't want you to share it. I feel like I'm interviewing you in the podcast now, but you saved the text, Alisha, because it has become family scripture for you now. Really, hasn't it?

Alisha Coakley: 1:18:50

Oh my gosh yeah.

Brian Boyd: 1:18:51

Your patriarchal blessing is your personal scripture. This text is a family scripture for you, so you need to find a way to store these things forever. They don't even need to be shared with anyone, except in very special circumstances. If you felt a nudge, now's the time Because I mean, I'm dying to cry some more. Killing me, killing me Coquine, killing me Smalls this is what I do.

Alisha Coakley: 1:19:20

I just cry on these shows all the time.

Brian Boyd: 1:19:23

Yeah, I cry at garage sales. I'm the same way. I want to hear it.

Scott Brandley: 1:19:29

I want to hear it.

Alisha Coakley: 1:19:30

It's really beautiful.

Alisha Coakley: 1:19:31

And he said that when this happened and when he was stopped, that the message he was given was this he said the top reasons why you don't want to be here are the same reasons you need to stay.

Alisha Coakley: 1:19:52

And to me, it just made me one so proud of Him.

Alisha Coakley: 1:20:00

But also it made me realize that the Lord really is going to allow us to have weaknesses, because he does want us to be able to show up despite those weaknesses.

Alisha Coakley: 1:20:15

He wants us to be able to set the example, to show other people that it can be done, that when we rely on the Savior, these things can be carried, you know, and that we may still have to carry them, but it doesn't always have to be as heavy as what we make it when we don't rely on the Savior. And so I love that you have relied on the Savior and I want to encourage you, mr Brian, because I love you and I think that you're an amazing person, mr Brian, because I love you and I think that you're an amazing person To remember that if you come across another moment where you're really, really down and where that darkness is really heavy, that those reasons why you want to go are the same reasons you need to stay, and I bet that it has a lot to do with kiddos that you're working with and kiddos that you're going to meet, and even the big kids, aka the adults who you don't really like because they're snotty-nosed crybabies, right?

Brian Boyd: 1:21:18

so I just wanted if I saw some adult wiping his boogers on a chair, I'd really be upset, man.

Scott Brandley: 1:21:26

Oh, get me out of this well, brian, we've really appreciated your time and your thoughts. Do you have any last ideas or thoughts you'd like to share?

Brian Boyd: 1:21:39

the only thing is I have appreciated this time. I'm glad that this coincided with my feeling articulate and energetic enough to accomplish it, because in November I couldn't have done it. What a depressing show this would have been. And so we just do need to hold on, find an uplifting song that you can go to. A secular song is Santana Come on, man, it's Latin blues that worked for me on that time. So we just need to find something that will help us through those hard times.

Brian Boyd: 1:22:24

But I always come back to just talk in Heavenly Father and the Savior. I don't always have to have a formal prayer and just say oh Jesus, the Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness and the bonds of iniquity. And then, how exquisite was my joy. It was exquisite, as was my pain, and we all go through times similar to Alma the Younger.

Brian Boyd: 1:22:48

He had a near-death experience, an after-death experience, and he went to hell. And then, as soon as he cried out to the Savior, it was gone and over and he came forth changed, and it took me a long time to understand that I don't have to have three days in hell like he did. I've created a hell for myself for a lot of years and it's time to leave. I can cry out to him daily and just say, just help me, save me from myself, help me find someone else to save. I guess my last thing with this podcast is I want people to just look at me and go, hey, there was this old guy on this podcast and you know what he? He made me laugh and realize that, um, even though life is hard and sometimes it just really sucks, it does that there's something to laugh about in everything and I can come out of this and if he can do it, I can do it.

Alisha Coakley: 1:23:52

I love that. I love it.

Brian Boyd: 1:23:56

I'm going to go cry.

Alisha Coakley: 1:23:58

Sounds good.

Brian Boyd: 1:24:00

And probably eat some gravy and sausage or something. I'm going to go eat too.

Alisha Coakley: 1:24:04

I'm going to go work on my food, baby, now yeah.

Scott Brandley: 1:24:10

Your snack baby, whatever.

Alisha Coakley: 1:24:14

And I'm off tomorrow so I don't have to look good anymore. I'll worry about looking good when John dies and I have to get another husband.

Brian Boyd: 1:24:24

Oh, I'm just. I wake up every day thankful that I still look like Brad Pitt. There you go.

Alisha Coakley: 1:24:29

We're going to be set. That's right. We got food for days. What are they thinking? It's just food storage, that's it.

Brian Boyd: 1:24:37

I just got food storage. I just look stupid, there you go.

Alisha Coakley: 1:24:44

I don't want anyone commenting on here. Alisha, you need to stop telling people to be unhealthy and to eat a whole bunch of food.

Scott Brandley: 1:24:53

I know I'm going to get it.

Brian Boyd: 1:24:54

I'm going to get those people we have to follow the word of wisdom.

Alisha Coakley: 1:24:57

I know.

Brian Boyd: 1:24:59

Leave Alisha alone. I love it. No smiling, buy my book. There's no smiling, I love it.

Alisha Coakley: 1:25:05

There's no smiling buy my book.

Brian Boyd: 1:25:07

There's no smiling I love it. There's no smiling in life, just crying all the movie lines in this podcast are great.

Alisha Coakley: 1:25:17

Oh man, we're gonna have to create a whole bunch of memes and just put it out there bumper stickers oh seriously oh man, awesome. Well, mr Boyd, thank you so much for coming on to here today. If anyone is interested in finding your book, we will share the link in the description, but you guys can also just go on amazon and type in mr boyd is pregnant, right, that's right, that's right.

Brian Boyd: 1:25:45

You'll see my face it's the it's the angry, mr boyd. Face it's this little, do go ahead. My face it's the angry.

Alisha Coakley: 1:25:48

Mr Boyd face. Yes, it's this little. Go ahead, do the look again, do the little pointy finger thing again. There you go, just like that. So, yes, guys, go out. I have read it. It is very funny. It just, I mean, it leaves your cheeks hurting, which is always a good sign of a book, right? When you smile so much that your cheeks hurt and you have to like massage it out, you're like, okay, it is a very, very good book.

Brian Boyd: 1:26:12

I never thought of that. I'm going to use that as a. I'm going to use it on the back cover of the next book.

Alisha Coakley: 1:26:16

I love it.

Brian Boyd: 1:26:16

It will leave your cheeks hurting.

Alisha Coakley: 1:26:18

Exactly so definitely, guys, listeners, go out, check it out, you know. Leave a comment here. Let us know what part of the show, just you know, left you smiling or crying, or you know, feeling inspired, or whatever it is. Definitely we love to hear from you and do your five-second missionary work. Hit that share button, get this episode out to others. We definitely want to share some more light and some more laughs with people, because the world, we, we need it.

Scott Brandley: 1:26:55

we really, really need it yeah, and if you have a story that you'd like to share that you feel could inspire other people, go to latterdaylightscom. Let's have you on the show, absolutely so. Thanks again, brian, and thanks everyone for listening, and we will talk to you next week on another episode. Until then, take care.