Overcoming Fertility Challenges as a Geriatric (35 yr old) Pregnant Woman

In this episode, I open up about my fertility struggles during Infertility Awareness Week. From miscarriages to medical interventions, I share the emotional journey of facing genetic testing and fertility treatments like IVF. I discuss the contrast between my first pregnancy and subsequent challenges, including low egg count and early menopause symptoms. Join me as I navigate a high-risk pregnancy and confront a medical diagnosis, finding strength in unwavering support from my husband. Through my story, I offer empathy and understanding to others grappling with infertility, shedding light on this often unspoken struggle.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:11

Hello everyone and welcome to more than a side hustle podcast. This is my first podcast by myself ever. We've been doing this for over two years, over a hundred plus episodes, and this is the first time I'm doing one by myself, so I am a little nervous. I'm not even a nervous person, but I am a little nervous about this podcast and just the topic I'm going to be talking about. But I think that it's important for our community and just for people to hear, and there's no reason for me not to share at this point. So I want to share about our 2023 journey of getting pregnant, as this is Infertility Awareness Week, from April 21st to April 27th.

Speaker 1: 0:50

Now I had to write my notes down to make sure I get everything across. If you see me looking down, that's what's happening. Last year, I was pregnant three times, which means that I had two miscarriages. So this podcast I'll walk you through the emotions of it all, just trying to figure it out, sharing with you, educating others and maybe those that have experienced the same thing can relate as well. Now you may be saying, well, I'm a man or I'm a woman that's never experienced this before, so why do I need to listen to this.

Speaker 1: 1:20

I think in our community, infertility or things that come up isn't spoken about as much. So I think in our community, infertility or things that come up isn't spoken about as much. So I think this is just an opportunity to learn and hear more. It also is a reminder that you never know what people are going through. So always those constant questions of do you want another child, do you even want a child, or anything along those lines. Being mindful of that I know sometimes it's not coming from a negative place, but it still can be very triggering and then also, just maybe you can share this with a loved one, then maybe you see a different side of things that you've never thought of before. So I do have to address that. This will be a shock for many people in my life and Anthony's life.

Speaker 1: 2:04

I did not talk about it to anyone really. Of course, anthony, my husband's fully aware of everything that we went through. My best friend was aware of the journey as well, but even my mother, which is someone that I would consider a best friend as well, knew about these miscarriages, but not necessarily this fertility journey that we kind of went on after that. So I do just want to say this to say there are some people I see I speak to very frequently and this had nothing to do with you, right? This had nothing to do with, like, oh, I didn't feel comfortable telling you. It more had to do with myself.

Speaker 1: 2:48

It was a very, very emotional and difficult year. It was just hard to speak about without crying. It just felt it's hard to just bring it up out of nowhere. It just felt negative. It didn't really I don't know how to explain it, but it's just not something that I want to talk about at all until I'm in a place now to speak about it and I feel like this would answer questions and I don't have to tell people individually. It's more of me sharing, if you will, diary type version, if you will but also just letting my loved ones know what I went, what we went through and the whole process of it all. So, like I said, it's not you, it's me, but either way, let me just let's kind of talk through and walk through this journey that we went through in 2023.

Speaker 1: 3:35

To bring it back, I got pregnant or found out, I guess, if you will a week before Alani's first birthday. I remember I think her birthday landed on a Wednesday last year in 2023. And literally a week before I found out that I was pregnant, like the Tuesday. I so happened to be going to my PCP that day. They did a urine test and confirmed it. It was a Tuesday. On the Wednesday Now I started bleeding and I'm like, okay, what the hell is, this Isn't good. But it felt like a, like a. My mental cycle had started. Really so couldn't. It was at night, so I couldn't contact my doctor.

Speaker 1: 4:16

So the next day they do a blood work, uh, acg test, where they kind of test your levels. Your levels get higher, as you know, the further you on in your pregnancy and they're like, yeah, this will be, we would consider this a chemical pregnancy. So you may say, what is that? Because I had never heard of it and she had to explain to me. Really, it's kind of a woman. They say not to test if you're pregnant unless you are like eight days after missing your cycle. I had tested five days after. I mean, who in their right mind is waiting eight days? But I had tested five days after. And the reason they say that is because, say, I had waited those eight days, I wouldn't even had known that I was pregnant, it just would have been a late period. It would have been a late menstrual cycle that happened. So that's part of the reason.

Speaker 1: 5:02

So, essentially, it's kind of like I guess your body was gonna be, but it was kind of making a decision if it was gonna be pregnant or not. And with the chemical pregnancy, it just means like got your period and that's it. Like life just kind of went on. So I really, to be frank with you, didn't have any feelings about that at the time. I just was like okay, well and I've said this story before back in 2020, we had the first time I've ever gotten pregnant. We had a miscarriage then as well. So this time around, with it being a chemical pregnancy, which was a little different, I just was like, okay, I didn't really I don't know, I didn't feel as sad about it as I thought I would have. She said yeah, you got your period. So life kind of just goes on. You know, you continue to try to. Didn't have to do any surgery, didn't have to take any pills or anything like that.

Speaker 1: 5:54

The next month I got pregnant again. So back to back technically, I got pregnant, next month I got pregnant, and this time I got pregnant. Next month I got pregnant and this time, you know, once again, my doctor always brings me in for ACG testing, where I'll go in on a Tuesday and then check again on a Thursday and Friday to see that the levels are going up, and it was so we're like, okay, this seems like it will work out. But if you didn't know, you don't really go in for like a sonogram until you're about nine weeks. So at that time I think it was around Easter of 2023. And we had told my mother, but also it's also like a precaution of but let's just make sure we make it to the other appointment. And then I also had went on a trip to Napa Valley with friends and my best friend was there. So I told her and I once again I gave like a disclaimer of don't get too excited, basically, uh, and we went to that nine week appointment and they said, sorry, we don't see a heartbeat kind of ended. It seems like it stopped at six weeks, which is almost exactly what happened the first time.

Speaker 1: 7:00

So now at this point, it's technically been three miscarriages that I've had, but two back to back and that was, I don't know, round shattering, I don't know. That one really threw me for a loop, like okay, made it feel, like okay, there's an issue happening here. Why is this happening? In my head, I'm like okay, this is three miscarriages Like what's going on? I had, I had my daughter in between that, one miscarriage, daughter, and then now two back-to-back miscarriages Like what is what's happening? So that was really really difficult.

Speaker 1: 7:34

My doctor just was saying you know, we're going to do some testing. I can't remember the exact wording, but he wanted to do basically some genetic testing and if anything came back like a flag I forgot the exact wording for it I'm going to refer you to a fertility specialist. His thought was you know, we just had two back to back miscarriages and you are going to be 35. This is all happening Maybe April of 2023, I'm turning 35 at that point in December. So he's like it's a concern of mine. You know, if you didn't know, once you hit 35, it's considered a geriatric pregnancy. So he was concerned and I'm like fine, test, let's do what we got to do. Something came back on his flag where he's like on the genetic testing that he did, and he then referred me to the fertility specialist so that I had to wait like two weeks for his test, etc. Refer me to this fertility specialist. If you didn't know. When you're trying to see a specialist, they're like booked out months in advance. So I call and they're like yeah, we are probably next appointment September. I was like September. Are you kidding me? I'm going to have to wait from April May this is about April May, I think to September to see the doctor. It didn't work out that way because I just told him let me know if you have any cancellations, right?

Speaker 1: 8:49

So during this time it's an emotional roller coaster because I am constantly crying, constantly crying, feeling sad. I won't say I got as far as depressed, but I was just really, really sad and I don't know if I was upset, but just wondering what's wrong with me, even though you know, you know it's like it's not your fault, but these are still things that flow through your mind in the moment while you're going through it. These are things that were going through my mind of like what is wrong? But when you have another child it's very hard to stay sad because then your child comes running in looking for you. But I would say, you know, there were times where I'm just working and I burst out crying and I'm like, okay, or I'm on Instagram and I see someone get pregnant. I'm like, oh, they're so lucky to be just being able to get pregnant. Mind you, I don't know what they're going through, but that's visually how it seems.

Speaker 1: 9:45

Or I would just be laying in bed crying, or I need some alone time, or I felt like some things were slacking in the household. On my part, I would say, even just with Anthony, I just didn't feel as romantic. I just was out of it really that time and I you just think the worst essentially. So I'm thinking the worst of okay, I won't be able to have another child Now. Granted, I am an only child, though I never really had thoughts of, I've, never was that person that I guaranteed need three kids or two kids, or whatever the case may be. I just was like, if it happens, it happens.

Speaker 1: 10:27

I always knew I wanted a kid, but I didn't know like how many. Right, I always said three would be my max. I'm not having more than that. If that one may be fine for me, but I think that when you can't have something, it feels like you really wanted even more. I don't know, but in the moment it just really felt heartbreaking, ground shattering and just debilitating, Like I, emotionally I just couldn't get it together. I could not even speak about what I was like really going through. So that was probably the hardest time.

Speaker 1: 11:02

But it continues to feel that way and, in regards to how it was showing up for other people, I didn't really showcase that to anyone else, just internally in my home. And part of the reason why I didn't say anything to my mother specifically is because when she listens to it she would agree she's a very emotional person to it. She would agree she's a very emotional person in front, like very over the top. So I feel like it would be it's hard for me to tell her and like, keep a straight face because I'm going to be breakdown crying. She may be breaking down crying and I didn't want her to worry. Essentially I'm like I don't really have all the facts yet, so I don't want you to worry and kind of carry that if you don't need to was my thought around it really.

Speaker 1: 11:48

So that was happening and then I finally got in and saw this doctor in July, right. So when I saw them they're looking at my paperwork they're like okay, you know, this process can take like four to five months of what we need to. We need to test, which I didn't know that. I figured that I was going there and they'll do blood work or sonogram or something and within maybe three weeks to a month I would have an answer on what the next steps are. That was my thought, but no, she had to test like 12 weeks out. There was so many different things. So I want to just talk through some of the things that my doctor was looking for or doing, I should say, during that time. Now, I'm not a medical professional, so if there's different words used, I will, I'll explain the things that I understood and if it's wrong and you're like that's not it, okay, that's fine, but this is I'm just sharing. You know my story.

Speaker 1: 12:40

So I went there in July and the first thing we did was like blood work and the first thing she said to me she also did a sonogram was that the only thing I see right now? She's like we got to do blood work. We got to continue to do more extensive things. The only thing that I see right now is that you have few eggs, basically like a small amount of eggs smaller than your age should have. Essentially, she's like that's the only thing I can see based on looking at this sonogram. And it's funny because I started my cycle at a really, really young age and I was like, does that have to do with it? Because you know how they say you're born with a certain amount, so you probably would end a little earlier. According to her, she said no, but I still feel that has something to do.

Speaker 1: 13:29

Then they had me start on birth control. Their thought is that during this process they don't want you to get pregnant because they want to get all the answers that they can. And it's like OK, understood. So every time I went it was some type of blood work. Can I name every blood work that was being done? Not necessarily, I was asking them to let me know, but I didn't really necessarily have an understanding for every single thing that they tested. One thing that came back was that my beta was high. I couldn't tell you what a beta is, but what she explained to me was that my number was at 75. And if you're over 80, then you need medications to carry a baby. So that was clear to me.

Speaker 1: 14:10

I also did a fallopian tube test, which is I won't get into the details. It's pretty uncomfortable, but it's basically to see liquid flowing through and see that if your fallopian tubes are working At this point, only one side kind of flowed through correctly, the other one didn't, but they stated that wasn't a problem because you only need one fallopian tube to be working to have a baby or to get pregnant and things like that. So I was off and on of birth control for about a month and a half, because they tell you when to stop, tell you when to start, tell you when to stop, because you're looking for things. They only can test things a certain day eight of this and so it was kind of that as well. So even during this process you may be saying well, you know, even if it didn't work, then then maybe you can get pregnant during this time. And that wasn't the case, because they made sure that within the next four or five months that I, that I can't because of these tests that they wanted to run. Then they did a saline sonogram which, to my understanding, was to just see a clearer view of the uterus and everything Like it was like pushing liquid into you so they can really get a wider range of things, and at that you know when she did that. Once again, everything looks great.

Speaker 1: 15:19

So you go through these mix of emotions, right, you're like why is this happening to me? But then you're getting positive results, if you will, you're like, okay, well, maybe it's not that bad, but you're still worried. Is is what I would say? Like the worry doesn't stop at any point. It doesn't stop because I don't know for a fact what this is. So every time you know I would get a result and it's like, okay, well, this actually looks good, this looks good. I'm not seeing this. I'm not seeing this. So I'm like you know why? It's like one. It's like why am I even here? I remember one time, even thinking to myself as I was laying on the table one time, like I felt like I don't belong here. Right, but I am here. So maybe let's just see what's going on.

Speaker 1: 16:03

And during this time, I would say that Anthony or any time really, anthony tends to look at the or try to shed light on the positive side of things, like, well, well, we don't know yet, or it doesn't have to mean this, it could mean this, which I love that for him, but in the moment, you just feel so negative. I'm like, yeah, but it could mean the other thing, right, it could mean that this isn't going to be the outcome that we want. It's a 50, 50 chance at this point during this process, how it feels. It's a 50-50 chance at this point and these are the conversations that we were having just on top of me feeling very emotional about it as well. Like I said, they're doing blood work all the time and you may be saying, well, what are they testing for?

Speaker 1: 16:45

They're just testing for any genetic or autoimmune disease or anything that could be contributing to the pregnancy losses. That's basically what the point of the blood work and everything is like. Do we see something medically that we can say, okay, this is the reason why you are having miscarriages, and now we can treat it? And I'll continue to go through the story. But what made it worse in the end is kind of like they didn't, they didn't see something that they can pinpoint as to. This is what's happening and now we can treat it. And I think about I'm a mental health therapist and I kind of think about people when they they talk about when they finally get diagnosed with a diagnosis and it feels great because it's like OK, now I know what it is and now we can proceed. And for, in this situation, while you're waiting, each time and you're getting positive news, it's kind of like, yeah, but if we knew what it was, then we could treat it and kind of move forward.

Speaker 1: 17:45

That was my, my thought really behind it. So, um, towards the end of September now, uh, she you know, the nurse calls me and said that my anti-adrenal antibodies came back positive. Okay, thanks, but what does that mean? You always have to ask, like, what does that mean? She's like, oh, it possibly could mean an autoimmune disease where your body's working against yourself. Okay, so now things are getting to be shaky.

Speaker 1: 18:11

So we started this in July. Now we're at the end of September and things are taking a turn for a medical issue. So she's like, I'm going to refer you to a medical endocrinologist and I'm like, ok, so when I talk about the worry doesn't stop, and I talk about that feeling of you know why, me and, like I said, you just think the worst and some may say, well, why are you thinking about, you know, death or anything like that, when we were talking about a pregnancy issue? And I'm like, because it's in your body and I can't really see what's going on. I just know that there's a medical issue or a medical concern, right, so refer me to a medical endocrinologist Once again with those specialties. You gotta wait I don't know four or five months to see people.

Speaker 1: 18:57

But she referred me to this person and it was like a concierge practice, which is really kind of like a private practice, which is like $350 just to see this person. Insurance doesn't cover it, etc. And I said I was going to write a list of um, how much I think this process cost me. Yes, we have insurance, but I forgot to do it before getting on. But I can do a guesstimate as to how much money came out of my HSA, fsa card account for all these things that we went through. So, on top of emotional things, there's the financial side of it, which I do understand. Not everybody is even able to afford and do, depending on what type of insurance you have, et cetera, et cetera.

Speaker 1: 19:38

I get there to the medical endocrinologist and she's like why are you here, ok? Well, ma'am, I was referred by a doctor that I think works, you know, refers people to you generally. So she's looking at the information that my doctor doctor, I guess sent over and she's asking me questions and she's like I don't think you have, I don't think you have autoimmune disease like I don't. I don't think that that's what this is. I said, well, that would be great for me, but this is what my doctor said to do, so are you gonna call her tomorrow to kind of figure out? So she's asking me questions. She's like at this I'm working out regularly. She's like you wouldn't be able to go to the gym every day. You wouldn't be able to do some of these things that you do daily.

Speaker 1: 20:20

If you had this, this autoimmune disease, you would know that you had it. She's like JFK had it. If you had something like this, it would be detrimental to your life. And I'm like okay, every appointment, I feel like I'm crying in every appointment because it never feels like you're like, even though I'm getting these positive results, but in the moment it just feels like Jesus Christ, um, what's going to happen now? Like what's next? Right? So she was like you know, I'll, I'll do more blood work and test for these specific things to find out if you do. And if you don't, then no need to come back. You know you can move forward with life if you want to be mindful. I'm like I'm not going to remember these things 20 years from now. If something does happen. I may remember. I saw someone and you said I didn't have these stuff, but I'm not gonna remember everything. So she's just like oh, if you want to be mindful of this, something to consider. What basically they were saying is that they do see women with multiple losses to have this autoimmune disease.

Speaker 1: 21:19

And I think, because it came back as a possible flag to my doctor, she was like, let me just refer out. It's kind of like you know certain doctors or certain things like this ain't my. This is not my part of the thing. I see something, let me just double check. That's what essentially. It turned out being a double check situation. So I'm down another hole of thinking okay, my life is about to change. I have a medical issue. It's not even about this child anymore. I have to be healthy for Alani and my husband and my family. When I tell you, my life is spiraling, it's spiraling and you still have to show up to work every day. You still have to show up as a mother. You still have to show up as a wife. You still have to show up as a friend, you still have to show up as a daughter, as a cousin and all these things while still dealing with this big medical concern that you think could possibly be happening.

Speaker 1: 22:07

So once that was cleared, cleared up, I got like I did like my last blood work in October and then I had another sonogram because after I remember I said I was on birth control for about a month and a half. After I stopped the birth control I didn't get my cycle, which was weird Generally. I mean when I did it before for them, when I started to stop, I stopped within three days. I you know I had gotten my cycle. So it had been like close to 30 plus days at this point that I didn't get my cycle. So they're like come in, let's, let's do a sonogram and see what's going on. They call me and say it doesn't look like your cycle is coming. We like we don't even see a egg about to drop.

Speaker 1: 22:51

So you have two options you just wait for it to drop or you can take birth control to kind of rev it, not rev it up if you will. But take birth control, stop it and then you'll bleed, just like. But if you do that, that's not necessarily you getting your period, it's just for you to bleed, for kind of peace of mind. So I'm like, no, I feel like I've been doing all this stuff. I just rather just do it, you know, on its own, like it will happen on its own, which was still another mind. I don't want to get cursed here, but still a lot, because I'm like I don't even feel comfortable going out because I don't, in my head I'm like at any point I could start, I could start bleeding here, like at any point, I don't know when, when it's coming. So that was a chance within ourselves. So when I talk about these, like you're getting positive news, but then these things are just kind of happening.

Speaker 1: 23:40

So had to go to this medical endocrinologist. Now I'm not even getting my cycle, which you know that if I can't get my cycle then I apparently can't even get pregnant. So like what is going on? So I decided not to do anything, just wanted it to happen naturally and it didn't come. But I'm freaking out because I've had my cycle, like I said, at a very, very young age and never in my life have I missed a month, never in my life. I mean outside from. I was on birth control consistently. So there were times that it was missed, but I was on birth control, so that made sense, but never just it not coming, and I know. So that was something that was really stressing me out, cause I know the doctor was like, well, maybe, and I'm like there is no maybe, because I know that I've always gotten it, but, sure, fine. So I am trying to.

Speaker 1: 24:30

I know there's times where throughout this process, I'm just like trying to hold it together and I just feel like I can't. I feel like I want to know a result but also, at the same time, I don't know if I can continue to like, feel like this and go through this, because I'm feeling really, really down and just not feeling like myself. I should say one, I do have emotions for those of my friends that say say One, I do have emotions. For those of my friends that say I don't, I do have emotions, but I'm really not someone that cries a lot really. So this was something new for me to be feeling. And you may be saying oh well, you have all the rights to. You're going through all through this. You're going through a lot, which I agree, but it was still difficult to go through. It didn't feel like what I'm used to essentially, of dealing with it and moving on, or dealing with it and having the answers. It just didn't feel that way essentially. So that was very difficult, right.

Speaker 1: 25:28

So now we're at November 7th, which is my last appointment. So if you walk through this with me, this is from July. Well, the miscarriages happened March, april, july. I finally saw my fertility specialist. From July to November I am doing blood work, saline, sonogram, fallopian tube, endocrinologist, extrasonic, like so every other week or every few weeks I'm coming to the doctor and doing something from July to November and it's the last appointment. In the appointment we were there to discuss it all Okay, like we've gotten all the results that we needed, we've tested everything that we need. This is what I think we should do. That was the point of this appointment after the past five months. And I just remember the date because it stood out, because I felt like damn, this shit is far, this shit is really far. It's November 7th.

Speaker 1: 26:22

And she says you know, like I said from the beginning, the first time I saw you, I feel like your egg levels are really low. It's not necessarily the quality, it's just the quantity of the amount of eggs that you have. We see normal genetics, we see the uterus is fine. We see the thyroid is normal. We think that your ovaries might be starting to fail. So she's like this could have been happening for a long time. You just didn't know about it.

Speaker 1: 26:46

Because, of course, I'm asking well, could this have been seen before? How could we have addressed this or dealt with this before? And why did I have such a knock on wood healthy pregnancy with my first daughter? Like, why was that? Why did that happen? If I have this issue and it's not that she didn't have the answer, but essentially she's like yeah, it's not something we would check for unless we check for it. And it reminds me of like, when people talk about they, they take their car in for one thing sometimes and then you take it out and then something else happens. You're like how do y'all not see this? And they're like well, we didn't look for that, we just changed the tire, we didn't look to see that something else was going on, and so that's what it kind of reminded me of.

Speaker 1: 27:29

She's like we just had no way to know, but it could have been happening for a long time, or could this just could be starting. There's no way to really tell and I didn't mention this before, but during the time of me not getting my menstrual cycle for that month, that had me kind of freaking out. I didn't identify it as this, but as I was describing it to her, she was like, okay, you probably were having hot flashes. So during this time I was having hot flashes, I was experiencing I just would become really hot, have to turn on the AC overnight during the day. I'm like, do you not feel this? Are you not feeling as hot as I am?

Speaker 1: 28:05

I would tell Anthony, and when I was telling her she was kind of like it's called like perimenopause, like the start of menopause, really early. She's like it sounds like that. One with me missing my cycle, two, with me having these hot flashes. I'm like okay, okay, so some things are going well and some things are feeling like you know, this is, this is not. I don't think this is going to happen, right, um, so at the end of it she's like these are really our options. This is where we are. Our options are IVF, iui or egg donation.

Speaker 1: 28:40

She wasn't a fan of IUI, ivf. She was like you know, you can do it. This is. This is where I don't know if you guys know, but IVF is not necessarily a guarantee either, but it's just what they'll do. She was like my thought is that since, because, due to you having such low eggs, if you want to have kids, we should take those eggs out and kind of fertilize it. We can't wait any longer to see if you do it naturally, basically. So I was like well, how quickly do you think I'd have to do this? She was like I would start you like next few weeks, month.

Speaker 1: 29:15

I'm like, oh OK, she spoke about egg donation, which I wasn't really clear on that. I can. I'm going to be frank with you. I'm like, well, what does that really mean? She's like essentially, we take an egg from another woman and put it inside you, and your take an egg from another woman and put it inside you, um, and your husband, it's like that egg in your husband's dna.

Speaker 1: 29:36

I was like so am I biologically involved in this at all? She's like, technically, no, you would just be carrying the baby. And I'm like I don't really like that option at all, like I hope not to get to that and it'll get to that if you're adamant about having a child but you don't have any eggs. So I'm like, okay, um, she broke down that IVS probably will cost around 20k all in. Egg donation would be about 30k all in the other thing with egg donation, I'm like, well, would the child even look like me? I mean, alani doesn't even look like me. Now she's like, well, we'll try to find like a woman that looks like you, kind of. And, um, work it that way. And I'm like, okay, yeah, that was an option that I really didn't like and didn't want. So she said, if you ever get pregnant, you have to take lovinox shots, uh, which basically is to like thin your blood and you'll go from there.

Speaker 1: 30:28

So that was another heartbreaking I won't lie appointment, because it felt like at one point I know that people do IVF, but I also know that a lot of times people say that it fails. And so in the moment I'm like, do I even want to do this? Right, since I was there, she said, well, let me do another sonogram to see if this egg had dropped. That hadn't the last time, because remember I didn't get my cycle. And she said, oh well, um, it looks like the egg dropped, so hope you've been having sex so in the next two weeks you either have, uh, your period or you will be pregnant. So that was on November 7th, the car ride home.

Speaker 1: 31:07

It really was a discussion about do we want to do this one? Emotionally, I'm like the way these emotions have dragged me for the past five months. I don't know that I want to put myself through IVF and it not being a guarantee which it is not a guarantee, which I guess anything in life is not, even with having your child naturally is not, which I guess anything in life is not, even with having your child naturally is not. But I'm like that, the financial side of it, the emotional side of it, my body going through that do we want to do that? Are we happy with just one kid was kind of the discussion and it's like, well, we need to make a decision ASAP, but something so important like that, it's like it's not a one time conversation.

Speaker 1: 31:50

I can't just tell you right now. We either of us me or Tony like yeah, no, I don't. I just don't want this, I don't want another kid. I don't know right now. This is a lot, we have to process it. But at the same time I'm like we don't really have time to process this, like we, based on what she's telling me, like we need to do this, like asap. Because in my thought, in my mind, I was like, okay, this appointment was November 7th. Maybe in the next two, three months, like maybe March or something, march of 2024 I can start to this process. And she was like, no, we can't wait that long, like we would need to start, like now.

Speaker 1: 32:26

So it became that question just between us of do you want to do this, do you not? You know what? What do you think? And we didn't have an answer. I'm going to be frank with you. We didn't have an answer. Of course we level on and we're like maybe it's just meant for us to have one child, maybe we shouldn't go through this, but we never really came up with an answer either this, but we never really came up with an answer either.

Speaker 1: 32:53

So another reason why I really considered or I think I thought more about having more than one child was because I was the only child, but I grew up with a lot of cousins around and it never felt lonely. I've never wanted a sibling, I think mainly because I had, you know, family around. But us living in Dallas, we don't necessarily have that. Yes, we have friends that have kids around the same age, definitely, but just the amount of cousins that I've had, the amount of different things and activities, amount of different aunts and uncles that I was around and different things like that just didn't make me want for that. So, with her being kind of a bit secluded down here, that was a thought for us as well, like having a sibling probably would would be helpful, um, for her as well. So things that we were considering.

Speaker 1: 33:40

So, as mentioned, this disappointment was November 7th, not a good day, I would say. November 16th. The doctor called and said you know, we'll just have you start on a low dose of aspirin in case you get pregnant. I don't really remember the reason for the low dose of aspirin, but every time I tell like a nurse, they understand. So I don't remember the reason for starting it, but I think it just helps with you remaining pregnant. Uh, that was November 16th and November 23rd Thanksgiving day I found out that I was pregnant. So, from November 7th of the doctor saying you got to make a decision, like of what you want to do, to November 23rd what was that? Two, two weeks, two and a half weeks apart. Things changed Right, but I ended now and I'll continue to talk more about what this means or what happens now I ended last year saying to Tony that I need a therapist ASAP.

Speaker 1: 34:37

Now I am a therapist myself, but I have never felt in my adult, or even never in my life, felt like I need to see someone. Now I'm not against it. I feel like everyone can benefit from it, but the way that I was, so, if you will, I feel emotionally unhinged. Um, last year I felt like I need to go speak to someone. I need. It's not fear to. Of course I can talk to my husband, but it's not fear to just pour all of those emotions and feelings onto him at all times, because it was coming up so frequently for me. And if he's not feeling that way, that's okay and I don't need to. I don't want to always just push that on him Like I need to go speak to someone about what I am going through. Right, that was my biggest thing and to me that was alarming because, like I said, I've just never felt that way. So if I'm feeling this way, then it needs to happen.

Speaker 1: 35:33

You may ask well, did you see one? At this point I have not, which I still plan to, and I still feel like I should, because that it was just a traumatic. It just felt traumatic. It just felt traumatic. It felt draining and hard to even stay in that space, just because you have all these other responsibilities, primarily our daughter that will come in and want to speak, hug, smile, and you have to be there, be there for them.

Speaker 1: 36:07

So the other question you may have is so, what is the diagnosis? What, what? What did they say? Like what is your? Uh, right now my doctor is calling it an APLAS pregnancy and that's A-P-L-A-S is the acronym pregnancy. Even when I told my PCP, she was like writing it down, I don't think she really understood it either, and essentially it's like I have antibodies that seem to affect pregnancy. So once again I asked my doctors okay, what does this mean? Does it mean I have this diagnosis for life?

Speaker 1: 36:29

Does it impact me outside of pregnancy? Like what, what do you? What does this mean? And he's like, no, I won't say the impacts you outside of pregnancy, but if things were to come up in the future, it was kind of the same thing of what the endocrinologist told me. You kind of have an inkling or somewhere to start for someone that you may be seeing, a PCP or anyone that you may be seeing. So it's not a, it is a medical term. It is a medical term. I won't say it's not, but it's not necessarily that I will be something that I'll be treated for If that makes sense. If it doesn't, I'm still kind of figuring things out too, cause I'm like that doesn't make any sense. But right now it's basically I'm being treated for it during pregnancy and that's it. So, knock on wood, right now I have a bill of health. Right now I am not. There's no concerns, and so what now? Just to kind of like wrap, wrap this up, I am six months plus pregnant, thankfully. Uh, we've announced this already.

Speaker 1: 37:28

If you didn't know, since I was 20 weeks when I went to do the anatomy scan, I've been seeing specialty doctor. If you will a more, I don't know. They said it was a more intense sonogram because I am geriatric. You know it's a geriatric pregnancy. I'm not at a high risk pregnancy, so everything is treading how it should be treading. They're not concerned about anything. My last pregnancy was knocking with a smooth ride. This one has been the same. Outside of how it started. This one has been the same I have been taking.

Speaker 1: 38:02

I don't know if you remember the doctor fraternity doctor said I'm going to have to take lovonaut shots if I was to get pregnant and my understanding of that was I will take those shots maybe, for I don't know, I thought maybe like two weeks or something to help with the pregnancy. That was incorrect. I have to take shots every single night. So from December 1st of 2023 until I am 37 weeks pregnant, I do take a lovonaut shot to my stomach, which it is a blood thinner and, once again, my understanding it helps with helping me not to have a pregnancy loss. So you're going to ask the same question I asked my doctor.

Speaker 1: 38:42

So if you're not on these, if you're not taking these shots, does that mean that you would lose the baby? And no, the doctor specifically said I'm going to be frank with you, we don't know that. He's like if you stop taking these shots or didn't take this, do I think that you wouldn't make it through? And he is like no, I think you possibly would be fine, but there's a side of it that we know that these shots do help with people to remain pregnant. So we're just going to have you do it and I was okay with that. We both me and Anthony was okay with that. It's a chance of you know, taking these shots and hopefully carrying the whole way.

Speaker 1: 39:21

So I have to take these shots until 37 weeks and then I won't take them anymore. So when I say a shot, it is a needle to my stomach every single night and then I won't take them anymore. So when I say a shot, it is a needle to my stomach every single night. So even though things have turned out how I would want in regards to getting pregnant, there's still an emotional and, I guess, a medical side of it that continues throughout this process. Now I don't know that if I was to ever get pregnant again, if I have to take these shots again, I have no idea, have not thought that far. It was just more along the lines of let's deal with what we have now and we can make a decision from there, right? So that isn't always easy. That has been a journey for about, I want to say, two, three months. Anthony did it for me every single night and then I kind of went on vacation by myself. So I had to learn to do it by myself and I have been.

Speaker 1: 40:13

Generally it does not hurt. Sometimes it does, um, I have a lot of bruises, like by my stomach, which the doctor said, yeah, that's going to be normal. You're pricking yourself every night, um, but I'm willing to do it to keep my baby alive and healthy. So it kind of is what it is as I continue this journey of continuing to be pregnant. Of course, every appointment feels anxiety provoking. There's negative thoughts, there is tears, there's holding my breath. You know the appointment of okay, we're going to test to make sure. I think this is that 12 week where they do blood work for chromosomes and you hope everything is okay. Then there's a 20 week anatomy scan and then there's the what else do they do? The gestational diabetes. So every appointment which I don't feel like I felt this way with, with Alani, has really been difficult, like night before tearful night before trying to talk positive. In my life I've never felt like I've had such negative thoughts that I can't turn it off and I had to like find positive affirmations for pregnant women that that experience losses, like I had to go and find that and read that to myself, because I do believe your negative thoughts can become reality, which you think can become true. So I try to really block myself from continuing to spiral down that path. So at this point I am, you know, truly thankful for technology. I am thankful for medicine to allow me to be here. If it's the aspirin and the lovinox shots that's allowing me to carry along, so be it. At this time things have been going well, baby is healthy, mommy is healthy, and so hopefully it continues on in that path.

Speaker 1: 41:57

I think about you know, I had an old Not old, sorry, an older co-worker say to me when she found out I was pregnant. She was like, you know, congratulations. I was never able to experience that. So you're really lucky, congratulations. And I said to myself I'm like in my head, I'm like, if you only knew what it took for me to get here. But I'm like, she's right, she is right, I am really lucky that I made it to this side. Was it easy? No, and I know that. You know they say he gives things to like his strongest soldiers and stuff like that. And I'm like I don't want to be a strong soldier anymore, god. I don't want to be a testament, I don't want to continue to have these struggles. But when I think about it realistically, she was correct. In that I am lucky it's not ideal of how I would have ever experienced this in my life, how I would have ever thought this would happen in my life, but it has been.

Speaker 1: 42:50

I am happy with being pregnant, right, and something that has crossed my mind, I think the first time that I had a miscarriage, and definitely this last year, as we were going through through it all, I said to myself which is not, I don't think, a positive thing. You know, I've lived a really pretty good life. You know, even younger, lived a really pretty good life. You know, even younger, even though my mother was a single mother, I never felt like I needed or wanted. I felt like I had everything I needed and wanted in life. And when this happened, I'm like oh well, you know you can't go through life with positive things, like something negative has to happen. So I felt like it was bound for you to experience something negative in your life and this is why this is happening Now. I don't think that's a healthy way to think, but you try to rationalize why you're going through what you're going through, and that was the way that I was. I was just saying like okay, well, this is the negative thing. Like everybody has negative things. You have to be able to deal with it. You're like you're going to have to make it through. You've got to remain strong. So do I still feel that way Sometimes. I'll be honest that that thought does cross my mind of not necessarily that I deserve it I don't want to say that but that something like I said, something negative, was bound to happen. I know that was a mouthful and let me drink some water actually Now I'm really thirsty. That was a mouthful, but I did like.

Speaker 1: 44:14

I started this conversation, wanted to use this opportunity to share what 2023 was like. Share what you never know what people are going through. Educate people on other things. If there's, I guess, additional questions that some people may have, you can write it in the comments and I will answer as I feel equipped to answer, or maybe emotionally, emotionally feel to answer. If it's something that I find that may be too triggering, then maybe I won't, but I am at a place now that I am able to talk about it when before, if I even started this conversation, my voice would have been breaking and being tearful. I even bought a box of tissue just in case I became tearful during this podcast, so I hope that you got something from me.

Speaker 1: 45:03

I know this is different from the usual podcast that we put out, where it's about business and entrepreneurship, but we also talk about more than a side hustle podcast having impact, and this impacted our life tremendously. You may feel like you know you've never been through it, but I'm sure someone around you have been through something, has been through something with infertility or just struggles with pregnancy. So keep that in mind when you're asking what are you waiting for to get pregnant? What are you waiting for the second child, the third child? Just think about what could be possibly. So that's it for me. I thank you guys for listening and tapping in. I am proud of myself for being able to kind of say this story and, obviously, to my friends and family, I love you dearly and, as I said from the beginning, it just has been very, very difficult to talk about it, but I did want you guys to just know how I've been feeling. So thank you to our listeners, thank you to everyone else and I am out.