Ep. 110: Should we have a/nother child?

How do you know when it's the right time to have a(nother) child? What things should you consider before trying to conceive? How can you talk about it with your spouse? But, especially for Christian couples, how do we invite God into the process? When looking for ways to know when to have a baby, consider the delicate balance between family planning and being open to life. These are the things we explore together in today's episode, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation!

We're talking about what it means to be "open to life" over on Caitlin's substack account: Fertile Faith. If you'd like a weekly reflection or topic to help you consider how to live out your faith through the avenue of your fertility, you can subscribe for free! 

NOTE: This episode does include the brief use of the word intercourse, and mentions of topics like infertility and pregnancy loss. 

Interested in learning about fertility awareness based methods, or specifically the Creighton Model System? You're in the right place! 

• Register for Creighton Introductory Session: Register here for our next Introductory Session

Transcript

Caitlin: 0:06

Welcome to the Woven Well podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Estes. I'm a certified fertility care practitioner with a master of divinity degree. Each episode will cover a topic that helps educate and empower you and your fertility while honoring the deep connection your fertility has with your faith. Let's get started. Welcome back to the Woven Well Podcast. In addition to providing weekly podcast episodes, we also have a weekly written email that goes out through our Substack account. I still talk about topics related to fertility and faith, but it's a little bit more focused on the faith side. So as believers, we are living out our faith in every area of our lives, but how do we do that through fertility? So if you're interested in getting a weekly email with a new reflection or question to consider that can kind of help you discern how to live out your faith through this area, then I encourage you, I welcome you, to subscribe to that. It's completely free if you want it to be, and I'll make sure to have a link to that in the show notes. But over on substack this week we're talking about openness to life and I think that pairs really well with today's question. Should we have a child or should we have another child? Now, this is a question that any married couple is going to have to answer, not just once, but multiple times over and over again throughout their marriage. And so there's a lot to consider here. We want to take it really seriously. You know, we're thinking about really practical concerns, finances, medical concerns, mental health, family dynamics. And so there are a myriad of different ways that this could impact any individual marriages decision-making process. But some of the common ones I hear are, you know, how would it affect our income? So would one parent need to step down from working in order to care for the child or children? You know, like considering childcare costs, that's a very important thing to consider and they just keep rising, you know, so practical concerns that go along with that. Can we fit another car seat into the car? Is there enough room in our house as it is? So we also have these medical concerns and I think they're so important to think about. Can her body handle another pregnancy right now? Are there any health concerns that need to be addressed before pregnancy is attempted? And I also think that this includes mental health concerns. So some women have very deep postpartum depression or anxiety. Some ladies are dealing with depression or anxiety on a daily basis outside of pregnancy. And so they're on some medications that they would need to have adjusted before they try to conceive. And yet we don't want you to just stop those medications. We'll make sure at a really good point before that happens. And then you've got things like family dynamics. So you have your big picture when you get married, of what you want your family to look like. You know, how far apart should our children be? How many children would we like to have overall? But there are also things to consider, like how many do you want in diapers at the same time? How many do you want to have in college at the same time? So do you have the family support that you would love to have right now in this season? There are all sorts of things that are going to impact whether or not you feel like it's the right time to add to your family. And each one of these are important because we do want to responsibly plan and grow our families. We take this very seriously. You know, as believers, we believe first of all that these are eternal souls that have ultimate meaning and value because of God's creation, design of them. We are designed every one of us in God's image. And so they're important, they're valuable, we want to make sure we can take care of them well . We have the ability to do that. We can actually responsibly plan our families because as we talk about a ton here on Woven Well, our bodies are actually built in with a way to understand when we are fertile or infertile as a couple. And we can then make decisions that either allow us to conceive a pregnancy, meaning you choose to be together, be intimate during days of fertility, or allow you to avoid pregnancy. So you would abstain during those days and instead choose all the other days to be together during that window of infertility. So most of the time in a woman's cycle, she's only fertile for just a few days of that whole month or however long her cycle is. So when a couple chooses to come together during those days of fertility, that's when they are trying to conceive. So we have this way to responsibly plan our families and we have all these different ways that we can make that decision , practically like I was talking about, when are you together and when are you not? But even more than that, in the discernment process, we have ways to plan when would be best. How do we make sure we have our finances in order, our health in order, all those sorts of things. But what almost every family discovers at some point is it almost never works according to the original plan. Something can come up, things can change. Maybe pregnancies happen quicker than expected, or maybe infertility just knocks the breath out of you as you were trying to grow your family. Couples can experience heartbreaking losses. They could have much longer postpartum seasons than expected or much shorter. There are all sorts of things that can impact the shape of our families. So there is a balance here that is critical between our active planning of our families and this needed openness. Now for most couples, they're pretty good at planning. You know, they're good at that side of things. They come into marriage knowing how many kids they want to have when they want to have them. And as they're growing their family, they're able to kind of discern what that looks like and kind of have a structure in place for how they envision their family to be grown throughout their marriage. The openness side of things, though, that's a bit more challenging. None of us really want to let go of that decision-making ability. We don't want those surprises that I mentioned earlier. We would much prefer it if everything went the way that we determined it should go. But this openness is such an important part of the balance. Now, there is a term related to this openness. It was coined by the Catholic church and it's called openness to life. Makes sense. That seems fitting. So simply put, it's the acknowledgement that while we are invited into this holy process of conceiving babies, we do not hold the ultimate decision-making ability and we honor that as a good thing. So I have to tell you, I think this perspective is beautiful. I think it is beneficial for all Christian couples, Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, Anglican, Orthodox, non-denominational. You know, if you worship Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, then this is a beautiful and good truth to hold onto . Because when it comes to babies and really when it comes to any area of life, we do not hold ultimate control. And that is a good thing. Can you imagine the decisions we would make in life, the direction our lives would be headed if God didn't guide and protect us along the way? The fact that God holds our ultimate eternal good before us like that means that we can trust ultimately in his direction and provision. I think about the jobs I didn't get, the dating relationships that didn't work out the house offer that fell through, you know, all infinite gifts that I was probably very unable to see at the time. But that's not true for God. God sees not only what's before us, the situation that we're in, but God sees our eternity and the eternity of our children and our children's children. And we can trust God with something like the birth of a baby. But ugh , we just don't want to believe it. We just don't want to let go of that ultimate decision making because let's be real, it's honestly scary because what if we can't handle three under the age of five? Or what if it means we'll never have as many children as we hoped? What if our bodies can't handle another pregnancy? What if we feel like it could hurt our marriage? What if it prevents pursuing our dreams, our lifelong dreams? These are real, honest, raw questions that matter. They matter so much. So how can we be open when these are the things weighing on our hearts and minds? I'm so, so grateful that this is not something that God says. You know, like pick yourself by the bootstraps and just do it. Like yes, you're scared, but you just gotta do it. Honestly, it's kind of the opposite. I really believe that God wants to meet us exactly where we are and be trusted to hold those raw fears and pains. That God wants us to offer them up in all their vulnerability and wants to know that we can trust him with them. So he's got our good in mind. We know that. And no matter what's going on, we're going to have his presence, his steadfast love and his provision. Bad things are going to happen like following. God does not protect us from bad things happening. I wish that were the case just because sometimes I'm a wimp. I would rather have it easy, right? But with God, we can know that we're going to have that provision even in the midst of pain and struggle, and God's going to get us through to that other side. We can trust that. And that's not just coming from me, you know, like who am I? This comes from scripture. Every day I sit at my desk in my office and I see these birds outside my window. They're eating. I have a little bird feeder there that they partake of and I love watching them. And I remember the verse in Matthew ^ about God caring so intentionally for the birds and the lilies, their food and their clothing. Like if God cares so much for them, how much more will he provide precisely what we need for us? Think about countless Psalms that share of God's faithfulness, provision protection when things seemed dire, when promises seemed broken. And yet God meets us every time. I also think that community is really important. You know, as believers having other believers around us, we're testifying to the goodness of God. We're sharing stories of how God has been faithful within our lives. This is super important. And I have the privilege through my work as a fertility care practitioner, being able to hear from clients where I have witnessed the peace that can only come from God in certain scenarios. Like when a positive pregnancy test felt like the end of everything for a couple, or when years of excellent medical care, they've done everything that they can do, but still resulted in infertility for them. And I have seen that peace. So I know God's going to be there guiding, comforting, providing, restoring, healing. We can trust God, not that we're going to be free of pain or hardship when it comes to fertility, but that he's going to work all things for our good. So does this mean we just throw family planning to the wind? Let's just see what happens. Well, no, you know, unless you feel like that's specifically what God's calling you to do, because I'm sure there are some out there like that. But remember, God built in a natural way to understand when we're fertile or infertile. So we're not left in the dark. We're provided with the tools that we need to understand when our actions are likely to achieve a pregnancy and when they're more likely to avoid. So this is a good thing. God designed it himself, but balancing that ability to plan with the ability to be open to life is that real sweet spot. So we understand our cycles and our fertility and we make informed decisions. The Creighton method, after all, 99.5% effective at avoiding pregnancy. And if this is the first episode that you've heard here at Woven, well then I'll tell you that we teach the Creighton method of family planning, fertility appreciation , through our organization Woven Natural Fertility care, and it is 99.5% effective at avoiding pregnancy. That's huge. 99.5%, but we have to leave room for that critical 0.5%. To me, that 0.5% is welcoming God into our marriage and our intimacy and our family planning and say, Hey, we're going to do what we can do to responsibly plan our families, but we trust you God to know better than us when and how to grow our families or to maintain our families. That part right there, that's what takes practice and teamwork with the couple. This does not come naturally, okay? Sometimes this is a really scary thing and it can also be awkward sometimes to talk about how do you know if it's the right time to bring it up? What's your spouse going to say? How can you know right now if it's the right time to add another child or to start growing your family? But those conversations are so important. So what I say is yes, it's important to talk about that big picture of what you hope your family to look like, but also how can we discern not just that big picture, but even on a monthly basis, whether God is calling us to avoid pregnancy or try to conceive pregnancy, or maybe be somewhere in between. You know, make those conversations a practice and if it feels awkward at first, that's okay. Talk about it again the next month, and then the following. So you're finding a way that's best for you as a couple to talk about family planning together. And it's okay that, you know, you start having these conversations and you're trying to work together as a couple, but still openness to life doesn't necessarily come naturally to you. I'm sure it does come naturally to some, but for most, I think it takes time, practice, mistakes, you know, like some hard lessons and ultimately that providential comfort. Just this last week I was talking with a client about this. So she's recently married and they know they want to have children one day, but it's been such a struggle to come to terms with the fact that intercourse always holds the possibility of pregnancy, even now, before they're ready. So this is the kind of stuff we talk about, you know, so she's not pregnant. They've successfully used the system to avoid pregnancy since getting married, but that's not the point. The point is that God is stirring something important in her through this area, this vulnerable area of her fertility. She's feeling drawn to answer God's question to her. Can you trust me? Do you believe that I'm good? Will you give even this to me with faith? And the thing is, we can all answer these questions, being open to life. Balancing our planning with this openness is not just a switch that flips more often. It's this slow blossoming of trust because something happens where we feel afraid or we experience pain and God will meet us there if we allow him to. And God will nurture and cultivate our souls to the point where we feel finally safe to slowly blossom in this way, really coming to life, this rich, colorful, abundant life in him. This is why openness is so incredibly important. Now, notice, I'm trying to be specific here, but openness to life does not mean trying to conceive. You can be open to life in all sorts of different contexts. Instead, it's this acknowledgement that while we attempt to responsibly plan our families, we trust that God is the ultimate creator of life and that he will be with us, providing guidance, providing strength, providing comfort, no matter what our family looks like. This is true. This is good. This is beautiful. It means something to me, and I hope it does for you as well. These are the kind of conversations we love to have. They're not easy, they're a little messy. There's a lot of follow up that we could have, which is why I love talking with people you know as clients, especially one-on-One, we really get to dive deep into this, but I think it's important to have it out there, to have it in the back of our minds because there are going to be articles out there where you can look for 10 ways to know it's time to grow your family. But we as believers have something that is far more important than those 10 easy ways to know. We have the creator of all life who is providing us with guidance and discernment. And so as we plan, we maintain that openness at the same time. As always, thanks for listening. As we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.