Ep.118: Is Abstinence really necessary for NFP?

Did you know that abstinence is a part of fertility awareness methods or natural family planning? Many ask: WHY?! Is this really the BEST way? The ONLY way? Fair questions!  This episode starts the conversation about why abstinence is used in fertility awareness based methods (FABM) and natural family planning (NFP) and why it's worth considering for confidence, success, and even your marriage. 

NOTE: This episode makes frequent use of terminology like intercourse and sex and discusses sensitive topics. It may not be appropriate for all audiences. 

SHOW NOTES: 
Using a natural method and overwhelmed by how many days of fertility you have? They may not all be fertile! Working with a Certified FertilityCare Practitioner who is experienced and knowledgeable in accurately narrowing down this window of fertility is key. We may recommend abstaining, but only for the smallest window possible! Join our upcoming Introductory Session to learn more: 

Interested in learning about the Creighton Model System? You're in the right place! 

• Register for Creighton Introductory Session: Register here for our next Introductory Session

Looking for ways to implement fertility awareness into your life and faith? Check out out most helpful resources: 

• Substack Newsletter (free)
• Website Resources (free)

Transcript

Caitlin: 0:06

Welcome to the Woven Well Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Estes. I'm a certified fertility care practitioner with a master of divinity degree. Each episode will cover a topic that helps educate and empower you and your fertility while honoring the deep connection your fertility has with your faith. Let's get started. Welcome back to the Woven Well podcast. Today we're going to talk about a topic that comes up all the time in Creighton instruction or really any form of natural family planning, and that is abstinence. Now, the reason abstinence is going to come up a lot is because in any form of fertility awareness or natural family planning that works hard to identify a window of fertility in a cycle when it is possible to conceive a pregnancy, if that couple wants to avoid pregnancy, then the way that you go about doing that is by abstaining for a short amount of time. So every single cycle, there is going to be a time when both the man and the woman are fertile and together a pregnancy is possible. The most effective way to avoid pregnancy during that window is to abstain from all general contact, including intercourse. And that's tough. That can be really, really difficult, especially for couples who are coming from a history of birth control use or an IUD, even permanent sterilization that's been reversed. Suddenly you're having to think about when you're going to be together, what the possible outcome is, and that's a serious adjustment, and there are common questions about how to do this well and if this is even the best option. I mean, think about the world that we live in right now. Sometimes it can feel like we are the only ones on the planet actually making the choice to abstain, even just for a short amount of time. So asking those questions about whether or not it is the best way to avoid pregnancy if it's necessary. Are there any other options? That's great. I think they're really good questions. And so I want to talk a little bit about abstinence and why it can be really helpful for avoiding pregnancy and maybe even beneficial for marriage overall. Let's start by diving into why abstinence is recommended as the most effective means of avoiding pregnancy during your window of fertility. Now, especially for couples who are using the Creighton model system, which is the system we teach at Woven Natural Fertility Care, they're really drawn in by how effective the system is. The Journal of Reproductive Medicine published a study showing that Creighton is 99.5% effective at avoiding pregnancy when used correctly, and that includes abstinence during those few days of fertility. So they want a way that is extremely effective, but do we really have to practice the abstinence? So there are those who choose to use some form of contraception during that window of fertility. So that would be a means of preventing pregnancy instead of avoiding it. The most common, usually condoms. And you could choose to use condoms, but they're not nearly as effective, and that's the key here. Several factors are going to go into successfully using condoms, and even then they are not 100% effective at preventing pregnancy. They're not even 99.5% effective at avoiding it, especially during those active times of fertility. So that's really important to consider. Most couples using Creighton to avoid pregnancy are putting a lot of faith in the fact that it works. They want that 99.5% effectiveness, but choosing not to abstain during that fertile window would really be sacrificing that effectiveness for the effectiveness of condoms, which like we said, aren't really that high. So it's a choice that you have to make and it's something that you have to consider. But the most effective way to avoid pregnancy is going to be through abstinence. The good news is that that's not the only benefit of choosing astin every cycle. There are other benefits too. We're going to talk a little bit about that as well. But first, how can we reframe how we even think about it to help us with our use of a natural system? I think we start by acknowledging that abstinence is a part of every marriage, not just those using a natural system. We start to feel like maybe it's just us, that we are the only ones choosing to abstain for the good of our marriage, the good of our family, but really it is so much broader and bigger than that. There are lots of times when couples would choose to abstain. There's travel, there's illness. One of the spouses may have had a procedure or a surgery. There could be family in town. It could be a time of postpartum when the wife has just had a baby or is in those early days of postpartum. Maybe you all have experienced the loss of a child. The wife could be in physical pain. Maybe there's some pelvic floor issues going on and she's experiencing physical pain with intercourse. There are lots of reasons why a couple would choose to abstain for a short amount of time. Now, it's important here that abstinence never be overly long. So if there's ever a reason for abstinence, like a couple is using a system like Creighton and they just don't feel confident when they're fertile or infertile, I would not be okay with that. You know , that's really important that a couple has that confidence. I want them to know when they're fertile, when they're infertile, and just really be able to make clear cut decisions about that. So that's certainly something that needs to be clarified. Maybe they need good medical support. If a woman is in pain, for instance, when she's having intercourse, then we need to make sure that she is connected with good medical support, a pelvic floor therapist that can really help identify what's going on and help to improve that. We also want to make sure that it's not just complacency and disconnection. So we want to be intentional that anytime a couple practices abstinence is for a short amount of time for a specific reason, and we're keeping the good of the marriage in front of us as we make those decisions. So keeping those things in mind that you have confidence, that you have the support that you need, that you have intentionality around the abstinence itself. It is a good and right part of any sexual relationship, even married ones . I think if you grew up as a Christian, maybe in a church or religious environment that had a heavy emphasis on purity, then you often heard abstinence before marriage. That was really emphasized. Abstinence before marriage, abstinence before marriage. The assumption being that after marriage there is no abstinence. In fact, there's nothing to worry about after marriage. But every married couple knows that that is not the case. We were often given the impression that before marriage there are all sorts of boundaries, but after marriage there are no boundaries to consider. But actually boundaries are a good part of our lived existence. Okay? There are good boundaries in everything. There are boundaries in what we eat and how much we eat or what we watch on television, maybe how much television we watch, you name it. There is going to be a good boundary provided by God for our benefit, for our good. Why would it be any different when it comes to something as important as sex? So I think one of the things that really helps us to thrive in marriage as we incorporate this reality of abstinence is to reorient our understanding of sex itself. When was the last time you had an opportunity to learn about the good purpose of sex? Right? We're not talking about this. We certainly didn't learn about it in school. Maybe we learned the biology of it, what's actually happening in our bodies, and even that is debatable. But really the focus in high school was like on preventing pregnancy. That's all they talked about. And we don't even really learn about it in church. There are some churches that focus on it and certainly the church has really good teaching on it for us, but that doesn't mean that we're hearing about it from the pulpit. We're not talking about it in Sunday school classes or Wednesday night programs. For some of us, the only thing that we took away from church itself is a heavy focus on what not to do and not nearly enough education on why. Instead, the places that we hear about sex not really giving us the messages that we need, they're not really full of truth. Let's say, when was the last time, for instance, that you heard that sex was actually designed for our good and for the flourishing of society itself? That it is a gift to us that has several gifts for us, and they're all from God. We have the gift of procreation, the ability to have children, the expression and renewal of our marriage vows that are found in that bonding of intercourse, the fact that it actually points us back to God. If you think about Ephesians 5, and it's talking about the mystery of marriage there, well, sex was intended for marriage, and so it too points us back to that holy relationship between Christ and the church. Now, it also has this amazing bonus of being fun and pleasurable, but we live in an upside down world. You know , we flip the importance of these things so that pleasure becomes the focus, the reason, the why behind intercourse, and we tend to forget about or deprioritize the children, the bonding, even God's relationship to it. And think about how that plays itself out. In our world. We have tons of one night stands , casual sex. You know, pornography is everywhere, even maybe birth control, it's disconnecting. All of these things are somehow disconnecting or trying to separate the gifts of sex from the act itself. I think that really choosing to ponder the meaning and purpose of sex as the gift from God that it is, can help us to flip right side up. It can provide great help as we walk through a season of abstinence, but also even when we're not having that right perspective of what sex is, the beautiful gifts that are involved in it and that it is from God in order to point us back to God can really reorient us whether we're in a season of abstinence or not. But even knowing we are not the only ones having to have a season of abstinence, even reorienting our understanding of sex itself, that still leaves some action steps. There's still some things that we can do to really help our marriage thrive during these few days instead of really struggle and even disconnect from one another. And that is to choose to intentionally connect and love one another. Even when you're choosing to be abstinent. Abstinence itself is temporary, but your love for your spouse, that's lifelong. So showing your spouse that your love is not dependent on sex can actually mean a great deal to the other. Remember that during that time of fertility, it's both the husband and the wife that are fertile, and so you are demonstrating that you love all of them, even their fertility. You're not holding against them, you're not frustrated with them about that. You're saying, I love all of you. There are also going to be times when choosing abstinence is an act of love itself, where you're putting the benefit and the good of your spouse over yourself. So let's say your wife is experiencing pain with intercourse and you all are working on trying to figure out why that's happening and working on treating that and improving those symptoms. Well , intercourse is not going to be a great gift to her in that moment while she's dealing with this. So instead, prioritizing other ways to demonstrate that love. Ugh , that's going to mean so much to your wife as she sees that he loves me, whether or not we can have intercourse or not, and that means so much. Think about how that bonding that happens between a couple, even when you can't actually have intercourse. So there are other ways to express love and affection and intimacy, and I think that's a part of this action step. The ways that we can actually live out the love and connection that we want to experience even during a time of abstinence. So when we learn the Creighton model system, we talk a lot about these ways to express that love. There are ways that we can connect spiritually, physically, intellectually, creatively, emotionally. There are all sorts of ways that we can have fun together and bond and maybe even do some of the things that we did when we were dating or engaged. You know, there is that special connection that can happen and sometimes it just takes a little bit of intentionality. So when I work with clients as a certified fertility care practitioner, I'm bringing this conversation up. I'm even sometimes helping them brainstorm ways to do this or encouraging young couples who are maybe engaged or about to become engaged to make a list of the ways that they experience that love and affection right now, because we're going to make use of that in marriage. We want to be intentional about practicing those things every single cycle. When intercourse isn't an option, doing the things we've talked about, remembering that we're not alone, reorienting our understanding of sex itself and intentionally choosing to connect and love our spouse, they're going to go a long way in helping to make abstinence a time of thriving within our marriages. Still, there are going to be challenges, there are going to be struggles. They come up for every single couple. What area of life, what area of marriage do we not experience? Struggles? What do we do for instance, when we do have a great desire to be with our spouse when it's a time when we're choosing to abstain? I mean, the desire for your spouse is a good thing, okay? That's never a bad thing. And if you work with me then you know, I often say it is never a wrong or bad decision to be with your spouse. You can always make that choice. But for couples who are strongly avoiding pregnancy, they have other things that they're considering, factors that they have to consider as they decide when is best for them to be together or not be. So it can be really difficult when that desire can't be expressed in the way that we want it to be. In those moments where it is very difficult, I think that the only answer is to give those desires to God. Ultimately, God is the only one who is able to truly satisfy our desires, and we think, well, how can God satisfy this desire? We don't know. Who knows what God can do with that, but I do know that honestly, authentically opening up that pain and that ache and that desire for a good thing to God will only allow you to flourish because God's going to meet you there. God's going to meet you in that struggle. God knows that you long to love your spouse in that way. Long to be with your spouse intimately and God will meet you. I can't say what God will do specifically, but I think when we ask for eyes to see and ears to hear how God may use these very desires to draw us closer to him and satisfy the great ache of our souls, good things will happen. I hope that today has been helpful. I can't help but think of all the other little topics related to abstinence that need to be addressed, and hopefully they will in future episodes. If you have a specific topic that's really on your heart or maybe even a specific topic related to abstinence that you're hoping that I'll talk about, send it in. Let me know what topic comes to mind for you on our website wovenfertility.com, and go to our podcast tab to do that. As always, thanks so much for listening as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.