Rogues Gallery Uncovered
Bad behaviour in period costume
A non-judgmental shuffle into the scandalous lives of history’s greatest libertines’ lotharios and complete bastards.
This podcast contains adult themes, sexual references, breakfast cereal abuse and extremely cold showers.
There’s also a lot of wanking in it!
STOP IT OR YOU’LL GO BLIND…AND FEEBLE…AND MAD …AND THEN YOU’LL DIE!!
Keeping your hands to yourself with the mid-19th century’s most terrifying social contagion ….MASTURBATING!
Its been slightly longer than id hoped – once again – between episodes, I’m afraid.
This was not down to indolence on my part in fact quite the opposite, since the last time we spoke I have been to the Middle East to write about history and London to the perform the part of a large Teutonic man wearing very small swimming trunks – suffice it to say I’ve been busier than normal.
Of course the recent coronation was also a bit of a distraction – we had a street party which was the perfect opportunity for me to get patriotically hammered with all the neighbours that I hardly speak to for 99% of my time.
God save the king
It also inspired me to start work on an episode about King Edward the seventh – dirty Bertie – but that’s for later.
Quick shout out to some loveable rogues who got in touch at simon@roguesgalleruncovered.com address in the show notes.
Firstly to Melissa a university student from I think the UK who is not only a fan of the podcast but is also using Fanny Murray - the subject of a previous episode - as part of one of her research papers. It was lovely to talk Harlots with you Melissa.
Also Mike from location unknown
He answered my request for non-European rogues with - by his own admission - a bit of a curve ball
Musical Legend Ray Charles.
Mike describes him as a “Drug user, a womanizer, but also roguish in good ways - highly innovative in his music, stood up for civil rights in 1960s Georgia”
You had me at womanizer Mike so Rays on the list
And not forgetting Facebook rogues, Simon Wallis and Nicholas Saunders.
This next episode is a bit of a departure in that it doesn’t focus on one particular roguish character or group of characters but rather it looks at how one intimate act – which I suppose can be roguish depending on when and where you do it - was the subject of a 19th century ‘Operation Fear’ which tried to terrify people into a pattern of prescribed behaviour, even though its narrative was patently ridiculous.
You could look for modern equivalents if you like, but I’m staying out of it.
And on that brave note.
The following tale is written in the present tense of the period in which its set…. and as such, may contain attitudes and opinions of the protagonists and their times which would today be considered unacceptable.
As I’m not a rabidly anti masturbation 19th century religious zealot - in fact im very pro and who’s to say im not doing it right now?
Those attitudes and opinions are OBVIOUSLY not mine.
Im not doing it
Honestly
ENGLAND 1867
THIS IS A PUBLIC INFORMATION LECTURE – MASTURBATION CAN KILL! DO NOT DO IT!
The blasphemous evil of self-pollution has, in its insidious power, the capacity to debase the moral and psychological backbone of an entire generation, rendering the flower of Great British manhood a collection of dribbling, incontinent halfwits by the 1880s.
FOR THE SAKE OF THE EMPIRE, REFRAIN FROM MASTURBATION
This perverted inclination has been SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to cause “Loss of appetite, indigestion, headache, vertigo, tinnitus, rigours, flushings, constant clamminess of the hands, want of sleep, congestion, chronic inflammation of the brain, apoplectic symptoms, palpitation of the heart, emaciation, Palsy and insanity”
And that is but an abridged list, supplied by Queen Victoria’s own personal physician, Dr William Mackenzie.
FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL REFRAIN FROM MASTURBATION
Listen to my heart-rending tale of onanistic downfall based on the writings of the renowned French man of science Samuel-Auguste Tissot.
He described these physical maladies in 1830, but it’s just as terrifying and factually accurate today.
Imagine a young man – just seventeen years of age. Proud of bearing, clear of eye- the pride of his dear sweet mother – destined for a life in the clergy perhaps or the armed forces.
We will never know why he took to masturbation; perhaps he was encouraged by filthy boys at his boarding school or accidentally stumbled across some lewd woodcuts in a poacher’s hut. Whatever the reason, you can observe how quickly his crime has led to his corruption. See how he looks old before his time, his back hunched like a geriatric.
But he continues with his solitary vice and “a devouring fire burns up his entrails as he suffers from horrible stomach pains”.
Look at his eyes once so pure so brilliant, their gleam is now gone, replaced instead by “a band of fire.”
But still he masturbates and now he can no longer walk – his legs have given way
At night, dreadful dreams disturb his rest – he cannot sleep.
Would that he could leave himself alone but this unholy aberration has him in its grasp and his teeth become rotten and fall out.
What’s worse his chest is burning and he begins coughing up blood.
His hair once so beautiful is falling out like that of an old man. Early in life, he is becoming that most pitiful of human conditions, BALD.
So hungry, so very hungry, he wants to eat, but no food will stay in his stomach.
Helpless, in a whirlwind of masturbation his chest begins to buckle and he vomits blood.
His entire body becomes covered with pustules – a horrible sight.
Even if he could stop touching himself now, it would be too late.
A slow fever consumes him, he languishes his entire body is burning up.
The end is near – his body is becoming completely stiff; his limbs stop moving.
He raves and raves, stiffening in anticipation of coming death.
At the age of just 17 only months after starting the loathsome habit of masturbation, he expires in horrible torments.
ONANISM ..THE FACTS
The sin of Onanism is named after Onan who in the book of Genesis refused to impregnate his brother’s widow and instead spilled his seed upon the floor.
For committing this act, an all loving and forgiving God violently struck him down. And lo’ mankind learned that doing anything else with seaman apart from begetting children was the most heinous of crimes.
GOD SAYS “NO” TO MASTURBATING
A so-called scholar of my acquaintance says that the ancient Sumerian, Greek, Roman, and Egyptian cultures regarded masturbation as both natural and healthy for thousands of years – but they, of course, were godless heathens who contributed nothing to the modern world.
Far better to listen to the words of one of Great Britain’s most respected gynaecologist’s, Dr William Acton the author of “The Functions and Disorders of the Reproductive Organs, in Childhood, Youth, Adult Age, and Advanced Life,”
He maintains that all men have a finite amount of energy and the expenditure of it through self-manipulation results in both physical and mental degeneracy.
Reasons for this he says are manifold beginning usually in childhood from “Hereditary predisposition, irritation of the rectum arising from worms, bed wetting and washing the penis too vigorously”.
Although not a supporter or circumcision, he does argue that the foreskin is “another surface for the excitement of the reflex action” – so make of that what you will. He also considers that flogging on the buttocks at school (widely considered a character-building experience) can on occasion lead to beastly inclinations.
EXCESSIVE THINKING LEADS TO LEWDNESS…… DO NOT DO IT
On the subject of youth, young men who engage in exhaustive outdoor pursuits - often bookended by cold baths – rarely feel the need to engage in the solitary vice.
Those who allow themselves to be more intellectually stimulated however are at much greater risk.
Acton refers to these fellows as “Puny exotics whose intellectual education has been fostered at the expense of their physical development.” He advises them to “refrain from studying the classical works which are almost certain to excite sexual feelings.”
The American Sylvester Graham tells us that the loss of an ounce of semen is equivalent to losing an ounce of blood and urges even married couples to have intercourse no more than once a month – for procreation obviously.
Those who masturbate, he says, are shy, suspicious, languid, unconcerned with hygiene, and jaundiced. They grow up, he warns;
“With a body full of disease, and with a mind in ruins, the loathsome habit still tyrannizing over them, with the inexorable imperiousness of a fiend of darkness.”…ulcerous sores, in some cases, break out upon the head, breast, back and thighs; and these sometimes enlarge into permanent fistulas, of a cancerous character, and continue, perhaps for years, to discharge great quantities of foetid, loathsome pus; and not infrequently terminate in death.”
DO NOT EAT YOUR WAY INTO PURGATORY
Graham suggests that rich and flavourful diets particularly involving spicy food can contribute to inflaming lascivious behaviour. To that end he has developed a special cracker of unsurpassed blandness in both taste and texture. This will, he hopes, distract from thoughts of sex whilst seated at the dining table.
SELF PURITY THROUGH SCIENCE – NO TOUCHING!
For those warriors in the battle against masturbation who wish to arm themselves and take on the enemy hand to hand, science has manufactured an array of ingenious weapons.
The four-pointed urethral ring, when placed around the flaccid penis, will ensure that involuntary and even nocturnal tumescence is painfully discouraged.
Another male chastity device encases the misbehaving member in an armoured carapace making erection impossible and manipulation only an option with the aid of a qualified locksmith.
A variety of other devices some based on bear traps such as the “Stephenson Spermatic Truss”, and others featuring a complex system of interconnected bells can both prevent nocturnal emissions – Spermatorrhea - or alert a watchful household that such an event is about to take place.
LADIES… DO NOT DO THIS
But what of the female?
Self-abuse among women is rare, an observation expertly explained by Dr Acton who says, ‘I should say that the majority of women (happily for them) are not very much troubled with sexual feeling of any kind’ “As a general rule, a modest woman seldom desires any sexual gratification for herself. She submits to her husband’s embraces, but principally to gratify him; and, were it not for the desire of maternity, would far rather be relieved from his attentions.”
Those women who seek out and enjoy sexual pleasure are undoubtedly suffering from a malady of the brain known as nymphomania and – if conventional treatments prove unsuccessful- should, of course, be institutionalized.
“Female Hysteria”, however, is a condition that affects at least a quarter of all women and has absolutely no link to sexual feelings whatsoever. The ministrations of a small but dedicated group of physicians to alleviate this condition by generating an “Hysterical Paroxysm” using therapeutic pelvic massage should be roundly supported.
In conclusion, with the exception of blackguards, degenerates, and prostitutes the stimulation of one’s genitals is the vilest and most repellent act imaginable. Particularly among young people, such behaviour should be severely discouraged before it becomes habit forming and destroys the very fabric of society.
It is not an exaggeration to say that masturbation is more dangerous for public health than Bubonic Plague, Cholera, Typhoid, Smallpox and Syphilis combined.
For public morality, its effects are akin to unlocking the kingdom of Satan and literally bringing hell to earth.
As you make your way home this evening, consider the words of Dr Acton who, when discussing this subject with a clergyman, revived this invaluable piece of advice
“[If a] man is tormented by evil thoughts at night. Let him be directed to cross his arms upon his breast and extend himself as if he were lying in his coffin. Let him endeavour to think of himself as he will be one day stretched in death. If such solemn thoughts do not drive away evil imaginations, let him rise from his bed and lie on the floor.”
For those who do not feel they can trust their moral fortitude, stiff leather sleep gauntlets are available at the door.
Thank you
STOP IT!!!
To a 21st century mind the Victorian terror of “me time” is totally ridiculous, although I suspect that many of its strictest fear mongers snuck off for a guilt laden hypocritical tug more often than they’d ever care to admit.
As to where it all came from, well not surprisingly religion had a lot to answer for but I rummaged around to find some more specific anti wanking literature and came across – pun intended – a pioneering work from 1712.
Its the wonderfully named "Onania; or, The Heinous Sin of Self-Pollution and all its Frightful Consequences" by our old friend Samuel Tissot.
He was actually a Swiss physician who specialised in conditions of the mind and, based on no evidence whatsoever, wrote several works in the eighteenth century that blamed masturbation for a raft of unpleasant medical conditions.
He wrote
"Self-pollution is a crime, not only against nature, but against society, against God. It corrupts the imagination, weakens the body, and makes men and women mentally, physically, and morally unfit for the duties of life."
One hundred years later he was the Anthony Fauci of unreliable masturbation information.
His books though flew off the shelves and if you are building your own library of sexual abstinence consider also getting yourself copies of the following
"The Silent Friend" (1848) by Sylvester Graham – the bland cracker guy who thought an uninteresting diet would prevent self-love.
And the unputdownable "Plain Facts for Old and Young" (1881) by John Harvey Kellogg the legendary breakfast cereal pioneer and passionate anti masturbator.
The story that he invented cornflakes to stop people touching themselves is popular but a bit of an urban myth although he agreed with Graham that exciting and spicy food led to social degeneracy.
When he wasn’t tinkering with corn to make it more boring, Kellogg was busy inventing a patented genital cage for men whose urges could not be tamed by cereal alone.
He was also a big fan of harsh punishments, shaming and fear to make sure that boys in particular stayed on the straight and narrow.
While we are on the subject of toss-preventing gadgetry, my research-delvings revealed more than the usual box full of chastity belts, knob cages and penis rings.
If you really couldn’t leave yourself alone in the 1800s it was perfectly acceptable to be confined within a thick canvas straightjacket or – if that was considered to be a little heavy handed – pun intended – you could be have only your arms fastened into a pair of special anti-masturbation sleeves which prevented any fumbling below the waist.
Perhaps most wince inducing are accounts of doctors recommending that habitual masturbators apply caustic ointments such as cantharidin ( which apparently is derived from Spanish Fly) to their gentiles to create painful blisters which would discourage further touching.
But it wasn’t all bad news.
As we have established in previous episodes the Victorians despite their somewhat prudish image consumed their fair share of saucy imagery and erotic literature and that’s only going to lead to one thing.
I actually think they were a lot more clued up and free thinking about sex than we give them credit for
It’s just that many were such terrible hypocrites about it.
We have to remember that there were adverts for dildos in the back of- admittedly disreputable- late nineteenth century magazines – they were marketed as “prosthetic penis attachments” and a man who was having erectile issues was supposed to wear one so he could still do the business – like a leather sheath.
I suspect many were just bought by woman for use on their own however.
Early vibrators were also developed during this period – without the later pretence that they were for curing backache. These were either hand cranked or believe it or not powered by steam.
There were also some academics who while not advocating masturbation did study it and human sexuality in a non-judgmental way.
Hats off to
Richard von Krafft-Ebing, the Austrian psychoanalyst who coined the phrase "Psychopathia Sexualis"
The British doctor, Havelock Ellis and Edwardian sexologist Iwan Bloch.
My favourite positive take on the subject however came from an American Preacher called John Humphrey Noyes who wrote the following
“…it is obvious that before marriage men have no lawful method of discharge but masturbation; and after marriage it is as foolish and cruel to expend one’s seed on a wife merely for the sake of getting rid of it, as it would be to fire a gun at one’s best friend merely for the sake of unloading it.
If a blunderbuss must be emptied, and the charge cannot be drawn, it is better to fire into the air than to kill somebody with it.”
Finally there were a few examples of satirists who knew that the puritanical, ill informed, and hysterical masto-fear was a subject worth lampooning.
Such as the writer of an 1836 advert for
"Dr. Prostate's Anti-Onanistic Nose Clips" which appeared in a satirical publication called ‘the comic annual’
And 1848 s "The Naughty Boys' Illustrated Portfolio":
An mickey-taking illustrated booklet in which various mischievous school boys are caught having a quick one in a variety of ridiculous situations.
Thank goodness for satirists, and wankers.
Next time on Rogues Gallery Uncovered
Dirty Bertie Does Paris
…….I told you I was inspired
Parisian Brothels by royal appointment with Victorian England’s randiest royal.
King Edward the seventh
I hope you don’t mind the occasionally extended gaps between episodes – apparently it goes against all the rules of podcasting scheduling – but then this is podcast abut rule breakers so it kind of makes sense.
My only excuses are work commitments and a determination not to spend every hour of the day hunkered over a reference book, a PC or a microphone – however much fun that might often be – so I can have a few roguish adventures of my own.
If you have any suggestions of rogues you’d like me to feature or roguish practices that youd like me to explore, leave yourself alone and get in touch by emailing simon@roguesgalleryonline.com – the address is in the show notes
And if you want to sign up to my newsletter and become a Lovable Rogue feel free to peruse my website rougesgalleryuncovered.com where you can do exactly that, enjoy some roguish imagery and shop at the merch store and kit yourself out like a proper dandy.
Link is in the you know where
Have a great fortnight, stay roguish and ill see you yesterday.
