3 Boundaries You Need For Men To Show Up For You

If you haven’t created boundaries for your desires…then you will have a difficult time inspiring men to show up and fulfill them for you. 

This episode will break down the 3 types of boundaries you will need to protect and prioritize your desires so that men meet your needs while dating.  

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What's up, love a girl. Welcome back to the podcast. I hope that you are well. I am feeling. Hmm, I am feeling energized. I am back to taking my early morning strolls. I walk about 30 minutes in the mornings and I stop typically stop going outside in the mornings in the wintertime cause I ain't about all that cold and I would just do my little mini treadmill inside the house to make sure I have 10K steps. But now that it's warming up I'm able to go out and enjoy the birds singing in the morning and watching the kids go to school and watching old people hold hands and walk through the neighborhood. It's just a beautiful feeling. And then, of course, I feel really good after the walk myself. So, yeah, that's how I'm feeling today. I hope that you are feeling well. And, as a reminder, the Well Please Women Workshop this, if you're listening to this podcast, it is this podcast drops on Thursday, so Saturday, yeah, you just have a couple of days to join us for the Well Please Women Workshop, march 9th from 1pm to 4pm.

Speaker 1: 1:23

And the Well Please Women Workshop is for women who want to learn how to ask for what they want, who want to be able to express their desires confidently and clearly to the minute they're dating and activate the generosity in men so that they show up for you and invest in you mentally, emotionally and financially. So, yep, this is the last time you'll be able to sign up for it. After this, I'm not going to be I don't know when the next time I'll promote it. The link will not be public for purchase after this. So if you don't jump on it now, it could be a whole year before you get access to it again. So, yeah, definitely want to jump on that now.

Speaker 1: 2:08

And speaking of the Well Please Women Workshop and getting your desires fulfilled, this episode is like a precursor to what to expect during the workshop. So I've been doing lives every week, preparing people with the foundation that they need and before going into the workshop, because in the workshop we're going to be working actually. So I've been sharing the information ahead of time through these lives. But Saturday we are going to actually do some work and if you're watching the replay of the workshop, you will be doing the work on listening to the replay.

Speaker 1: 2:49

But this arm live that I'm about to present to you was one of my most popular lives ever and it got so much traction and so much great feedback. I was like so unexpected because I was like I don't even know if this is the topic I want to talk about today. It took me like an hour to figure out if I wanted to talk about it and Instagram glitched, cutting off the live. But I was able to come back and still maintain the both copies of the live, so like they're split in two, but for the purpose of this podcast, my editor is going to combine it for you, but it is so good. It's called the three boundaries that you need in order for men to show up for you, because a lot of us do have desires and a lot of us do really have the intention of dating men who show up for us, but the problem is a lot of us don't have the boundaries to prioritize these desires, to protect these desires, and so these desires go by the wayside while we end up getting annoyed and frustrated. So this episode is going to tap into the three types of boundaries that you need to absolutely have if you want men to show up for you and invest in you. So, without further ado, here is the episode.

Speaker 1: 4:11

Welcome, love girls for another amazing epic live. I am. Every Tuesday, I am here to do these lives for you, and today, the live that we have, the topic that we're talking about, are the boundaries that you need in order for men to show up for you. Now, that's what we're talking about. What's up, san Diego? Hello guys, hello, hello, hello. I'm happy that you're here. So, yeah, that's what we're talking about today. I'm glad that you guys are here and the boundaries that you have in place for men to show up for you, to invest in you.

Speaker 1: 5:03

When I talk about investment, I'm talking about acts of service, thoughtful gestures, emotional support. I'm talking about no experiences. Also material gifts and financial investment, simple pleasures, just an overall enhanced lifestyle when I say men showing up for you and men investing in you, and so for the past couple of weeks, we have been talking about these things. Last week, we talked about the three mistakes that you make that lead to men not investing in you, and today we're gonna be talking about the boundaries that you need to put in place if you want men to show up for you, if you want men to invest in you, so that you don't end up over investing, so you don't end up showing up as someone who does not prioritize themselves, who does not find themselves ready to receive. Okay, okay, hey guys, and so if you are new here, you do not know me.

Speaker 1: 6:15

My name is Tora Sence and I help high achieving, un-churched women of faith attract higher quality men and date deliciously towards the romantic partnership that they desire, whether that's marriage or simply a long-term partnership. Whatever you want, whatever you desire, and I also want to remind you that the Well Pleased Women Workshop on March 9th is available for you to enroll and to secure your seat. It is on Saturday, march 9th, from 1 pm to 4 pm, and in this workshop you are going to learn how to ask men for what you want and get it. You will learn how to make sure that men that you date add tangible value to your life, and you will learn how to activate the generosity in men who are ready to invest their time, their energy and their money to make your life easier. If you're interested in joining the Well Pleased Women Workshop, type Desire in the comment section before and go ahead and enroll before the price goes up. It is currently $197. And this is an interactive workshop, not just a lecture. So if you want the link, type Desire in the comment section here, either in this live or on the replay.

Speaker 1: 7:47

All right, so we're gonna go ahead and get into this today. We already have talked about how men showing up for you and men investing in you makes dating so delicious. It makes the experience so delicious. And if men are not showing up for you, if they are not investing in you, you need to think about your level of self commitment. So last week we talked about the mistakes. This week we're talking about your level of self commitment. And when you are self committed, there is a certain level of where you are highly committed to your own wellbeing, to your satisfaction, to how you want to experience the world and how you wanna show up. And one of the ways to be very self committed is to establish strong boundaries.

Speaker 1: 8:45

And when it comes to your boundaries, I want you to imagine that there's a gate in front of you and everything else. A gate in front of you and everybody else. And what this gate does? It acts as a fence, as a gatekeeper, to gate to keep what belongs to you and to keep everything else out right. So, if we're imagining it, it prioritizes what belongs to you, it protects what belongs to you and not anything else and, my favorite, what you're available for and what you're not available for. Okay, so there's this line drawn everything inside the line, everything inside the fence, everything inside the gate is what you're available for. Everything outside of that is what you're not available for and you're not gonna be responsible for it. Okay, because that somebody else's yard, that somebody else's responsibility, and there are three boundaries that you need to make sure that you have three types of boundaries that you make sure that you have in your repertoire or that you're gonna set, communicate, execute on if you want men to show up for you.

Speaker 1: 10:17

And the first boundary is the desire boundary. There needs to be a desire boundary, a boundary around your desires. Now, if you guys have questions about any of this, you can either put it in the question box or listen to see if I am going to answer the boundary. Okay, when it comes to your desire boundary, I don't want you guys to confuse desires with entitlement and insecurities. Right, a desire is something that you want to experience, you want to have, but there isn't an entitlement for a particular man to fulfill it for you. There isn't an attachment for a man. You need a man to fulfill this for you or you can't have it or you can experience it right. So that's the difference. When it comes to you creating a boundary around your desires, what you are saying is that I have I am gatekeeping what I want to experience while dating. I am prioritizing what I want to have while dating, what I want in my life while dating. I'm gonna prioritize that and these boundaries help you, these types of desire boundaries help you set, communicate and execute boundaries that protect and prioritize what you truly want.

Speaker 1: 11:57

Typically what happens around dating especially with high, especially like with women of faith we typically will date, but then we don't express our desires and what we want to experience. We will stay texting a guy for weeks at a time, knowing that we desire to go on dates. We don't have a desire boundary put up to say, hey, I am unavailable to stay connected if all we're gonna do is text. There was no protection of the boundary. Simply, I am just going to do what you're doing and I'm gonna get annoyed and I'm gonna get frustrated about it instead of setting a boundary.

Speaker 1: 12:45

There also isn't many boundaries around what types of dates that you wanna experience. If a man wants to go on four to five dinner dates, we're gonna go because we're happy to go on the dates, instead of really tapping into the desire of like what do I really want to experience? Would I rather go kayaking for a date? What do I wanna do? Like? Would I rather go kayaking than go dinner dating? Would I rather go axe throwing than a dinner date? Would I rather go make pottery or make sangria? Like, what would I rather do? Would I rather go on a breakfast date than a dinner date?

Speaker 1: 13:28

And then basically having a boundary around those experiences that you wanna create and not letting anything get in your way of being able to create those experiences, because once we do, we start feeling annoyed and frustrated and unfulfilled. How do you prefer to communicate while dating? You want phone calls, and yet you'll continue to be annoyed with text. You continue to be annoyed by many different ways of men saying that they're gonna call and they don't call. And so, instead of putting a boundary around your desires and saying, hey, in order to stay connected, I need to have phone calls, we get annoyed and frustrated and passive, aggressive about it. Even leaving a man on red if you have not communicated the boundary is a form of self-abandonment. It's passive, aggressive. It does not. You have not put into place where you're able to communicate the boundary, and so, instead of being willing to gatekeep the boundary and prioritize it and let it be clear and known, you would rather be passive, aggressive and blame it on men and saying well, if he was a real man, I wouldn't have to do that If he was a grown man.

Speaker 1: 15:01

The thing is, everybody isn't like you. Everybody doesn't have the same type of requirements and expectations. So it is always your responsibility to communicate what works for you and what doesn't work for you. Women who do not want to do that is women who want to stay in a childlike state where she expects for people to read her mind and she wants people to be responsible for her own boundary, for her own desire. It is always going to be your responsibility to communicate this, to execute this, and so you need to be able to communicate like what is my desire on how I want to stay connected, what is my desire on the types of dates that I want to have? How do I prefer to communicate? How do I want men to show up for me?

Speaker 1: 16:00

I always talk about when men would invite me on late night dates that I would say, hey, I don't want to drive. So my expectation is that you would call me a car because I am not going to drive. That was the desire and that was the boundary. And if you were not willing, if you were not available for that, then I would know that, oh, we are out of alignment, because this is a boundary for me. If you're inviting me out late at night and I told you I do not want to drive late at night and you don't want to meet that desire, then we are out of alignment. And because I had the boundary, I did not entertain or engage men who were not available to meet me there. Okay, if somebody was not interested in having dates of adventure in nature, in the water, they were not willing to have those.

Speaker 1: 17:05

There was a boundary around the desire and those are what I like to do. If you don't like to do it, it doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you an asshole. It means that we're out of alignment. But because I have this boundary, I'm only entertaining men who are in alignment with the boundary. And so, therefore, I'm going to consistently attract men who can meet the boundary. I'm going to consistently pull in men who can satisfy me that way, who can fulfill me that way, and I will continue to repel men and cut off men who do not, so that I am always in a state of being well pleased and well cared for, because I make sure that I'm not in a state of frustration or annoyance because somebody don't want to be within the boundary. That's none of my business.

Speaker 1: 18:08

And so if you want men to show up for you, if you want men to fulfill your desires, if you want to be well pleased, if you want to be well cared for, if you want to be adored, you need to make sure that you have a boundary around your desires and men who are not available to meet those desires. You need to be able to end the connection, pass it aggressively right where you think oh, a real man would know. No, as an adult, as someone who has communicated and allowed the man the ability to show up for you. You allow him the ability first, and if he can't meet it then, then you back out. So that's the first boundary, is the desire boundary. The second boundary is the values boundary. It is where you set limits and guidelines around your beliefs, around your principles, around your ethical standards while you're dating, and so these boundaries help ensure that your actions and your behaviors in the men that you're interacting with reflect the principles, reflect these deeply held beliefs. So some examples around this.

Speaker 1: 19:34

Again, we don't have to get super deep into philosophy, but it could be simple around the value, around communication that you have. You have a value of in-person communication. That is a value for you. So therefore you are going to make sure you connect with men who want to be in-person with you, who want to experience you in-person. Also, open communication. There are some men that want to avoid it. Conversations around conflict, conversations around disagreements, miscommunication. I had a client the other day that was having a miscommunication with a man and there were some frustrations on both sides. The thing is, this man was open and willing to have the conversation of why there was a miscommunication and then how can we move forward, what can we put into place so that we can move forward and have a great experience together? And the thing is she had just met this man. This wasn't a man she had been dating, but she got to see how this man was ready to have open communication in the midst of a disagreement, in the midst of feelings being hurt. That's a value for you. You need to put a boundary on it. If a man is not willing to have open and honest communication about things like that, then that is a man that you will not be entertaining Point blank. Also, a boundary around integrity.

Speaker 1: 21:29

There are often times where something happens between you and men and there is clear dishonesty and clear gaslighting. Clear dishonesty and clear gaslighting. So, for example, a man is making sexual innuendos. I had a guy he mentioned to me. He was just like yeah, come on over, I've got to Something. I was saying I was working on a big thing or something like that. He was just like come on over, I got a big thing for you. And I looked at him and I said I said I'm not available for your sexual endewindows. I find that it really childish. You should say what's on your mind, right? You should be clear about what you're saying. I'm not a fan of the sexual endewindows. And he goes that wasn't about sex.

Speaker 1: 22:30

I was talking about my flexing my biceps, the big thing. And I was like sir, I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid. I know exactly what you meant. You know exactly what you meant. Don't play with me. I am unavailable to stay in connection with men who can't be honest and integral. We both knew from the communication.

Speaker 1: 23:02

Okay, someone says you look different from how you sound. What does that even mean? I look like me. Someone says so now you want me to play stupid because you can't be accountable. Exactly Because you can't be accountable. You said I got this big thing for you, sir. What's your arm going to do? Because now we've got. So if I go into, if I go into your flexing your muscles and your biceps? Now you got to tell me what your arm was going to do. What if I went to your house, what was your arm going to do? Choke me, hold me in a strong embrace. Is that what you was talking about? No, sir, please don't play with me. Please don't play.

Speaker 1: 23:47

She said you look younger than your voice. I listened to you on my way back to work. I guess I have an old voice, old sounding voice, right? So we really have to pay attention to men who do not show up in integrity. I don't care how small it seems. You need to put a pin in those types of things, because if he's going to lie about some small stuff, if he's not going to be integrity about some big stuff. I mean some small stuff, imagine the bigger things. Imagine the bigger things.

Speaker 1: 24:23

Or like, for example, there was a guy that would invite himself to my plans. I would be like, oh, I'm about to travel here or I'm about to do this. And he'd be like I can come with you and I will let him know. Like hey, I would prefer. Like this is something that I planned over here. If you want to plan something, you should do that. If you want to plan something with me, you should do that. Instead of inviting yourself on the things that I have going on, I would love for you to plan something separate. And he would act like well, no, it wasn't even that serious, I was just joking. And I'm like no, it wasn't a joke, you really wanted to come with me. You don't want to be honest about the fact that you wanted to come with me. You feel exposed. Right now, because you feel exposed, you want to play stupid and like I'm stupid. So, again, the integrity around that, the honesty, like you've got to be able to pinpoint these things, because if you're wanting to attract quality men who show up for you, you have to be able to nip these things in the bud versus allowing them to continue to fester what I call decline, what doesn't align right or boundary around ethical conduct.

Speaker 1: 25:51

A man dropped the ball. Let's just say he said he was going to call you. He doesn't call you and the next day he's like good morning queen. And then you call him out about it. You let him know hey, like I'm really disappointed that you didn't call. You said that you were going to call this time. If he acts like it's not a problem or he did anything wrong, if there's like not an apology in the works, right? No, I remember there was this guy who invited me on a date. Good night, nina. Nina said please tell the good morning queen story, if it fits.

Speaker 1: 26:33

I remember this guy who invited me on a date and he was five minutes before the date. He was like I'm going to be late. Mind you, he lived like he was 45 minutes away from the place we was going to meet. That means I'm almost. I'm at the place already. He's like I'm going to be late. I'm still at the spot. That's 45 minutes. And I said, sir, I will not be waiting 45 minutes. I've already left my home and I have taken out the time to be here. You're not here. You waited to call me. It's best that I go back home.

Speaker 1: 27:15

This man did not communicate to me. Well, he said he was sorry, but what he did not communicate to me was rescheduling a date and then making that up, compensating me for what happened, and I just decided that I didn't want to stay connected to that person. The apology wasn't I required more of an apology there Just I'm sorry, more than I'm sorry that that happened, considering what I did to be out there. Okay, and I expressed it. He wasn't able to meet me there, so therefore I am bowing out. There is no. I'm going to provide another chance there because this was a non-negotiable for me, this was a boundary for me, all right, and also a boundary.

Speaker 1: 28:16

Someone says, when you say compensation, what would have been a good response? Oh, an excellent response would have been like I'm really, really sorry that you came out here and you spent your time there. I am going to make it up to you, and here's what I'm going to do to make it up to you. Here's what I'm going to do to make things right. Here is how I plan to make sure this never happens again, and here's what I plan for us to do the next time so that we can clear this up. That's what I, that's what I'm expecting from somebody who's truly repentant. There is there. When someone is repentant, there is some actions that come along with it. It exactly changes in behavior. It's not just I'm sorry. When people do things to you, or people do things, the next step is action in repentance, and he did not put that on display. That was the second date that we had. That was the first time he had done that, but again, it was very telling.

Speaker 1: 29:23

That was a boundary that I had, and so you also would have boundaries around boundaries itself. So, for example, people always ask me oh, your husband, okay with you, you being on the pole, because I, I, I have pole. And then I have friends that also do pole and they are dating and some of them are like, hey, men don't like the fact that I pole. And I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no. There's certain men that don't like the fact that you pole. There are, go, there are plenty of men who are available for you polling, and I've showed a few. I like, I've showed how, exactly how that works and how to attract men.

Speaker 1: 30:16

Who, who who can value what you value? Because you don't value pole, because you want to be a stripper that has men throwing money at you. And again, this isn't no, like shade against people who do that, but that's not why you're doing it. You're doing it because you value challenging your body. You value the art into getting creating shapes with your own body. You value flexibility.

Speaker 1: 30:47

I am high tower says he value, he values a woman. Who who values pole? Right, y'all, they're out here and the men do not look at it. Those men don't look at it like that. They're like, wow, her core is strong, wow, they understand the, the athleticism that comes along with pole. And so if there's a man who is insecure about the fact that you do pole, that you're, that you're engaging in activities like that again and is out of alignment. Like there are some women that go back and forth with men about this insecurity. No, there's a boundary or a value around adventure and men not liking it. There are women who solo travel or like to travel out of the country and there are men who feel insecure about her doing that. Oh, you're going to get snatched up, sir. We're out of alignment there.

Speaker 1: 31:41

I have a value, I have a boundary around this value, a value around freedom, and you are not exclusive with anybody. So you're exploring your options. You're hoping these men explore their options too. So while you're exploring your options and you're dating multiple men, you hope that he's dating multiple women and he's exploring his options as you figure out if you want to go exclusive together. There there have been men that said, well, what if? What if he doesn't want you to date other men? What he wants has nothing to do with the boundary. I have a boundary around my own exclusivity and I am unable to go exclusive until I know if it's a good fact, until I've seen things, until I've experienced things with you that let me know that we should get serious. But until then, we are not going to have conversations back to back, conversations around me exploring my options, because I'm not going to converse with you about it. I'll have women come to me and say, torah, he keeps talking about it because you don't have a boundary. That's why he keep bringing it up Phone call, at the phone conversation. He keeps bringing it up because you don't have a boundary.

Speaker 1: 33:02

It is really hard to attract men who want to show up for you and want to please you. It's really hard when you are not committed to yourself in this way, when you are not willing to put a boundary around your value system and execute on the boundary. It's really hard because what it does is you show up as someone who doesn't value herself hey, ikea. You don't show up as someone who has a high level of self-worth. You don't show up as someone who prioritizes their own pleasure. You don't, because you have not put a boundary around these things. So we have the emotional boundary there. I mean the values boundary and the third boundary, the third boundary. Hold on.

Speaker 1: 33:56

Before I get into the third boundary, let me see some of these comments. Someone said I love your senior phase. Thank you for these jumps. I love giving you my phase. Mr Hightower says men willingly adjust to the boundaries. A woman maintains that is the truth. That is the truth, all right. Someone says boundaries in a person that grew up constantly with self-esteem.

Speaker 1: 34:21

Control is a hard thing to do. It is a hard thing to do, but it should be done. We like to think that because something is hard, that it shouldn't be done or that we can't do it. Life is hard. This is hard. Navigating this economy is hard. There's a lot of hard things about life, right, but it doesn't mean that we don't persevere and we don't make hard a problem. Hard doesn't have to be a problem. Okay, I'm gonna come around and, guys, if you have questions, because I'm gonna move on, put them in the question box, if you can.

Speaker 1: 35:02

So the third boundary is in the in emotional boundary. So we talked about the desire boundary. We talked about the values boundary. The third boundary is the emotional boundary and that is where you set limits and guidelines around your emotional well-being while dating. Okay, these boundaries help you define how much emotional energy, how much time and how much vulnerability you're willing to invest while dating, while also respecting your own needs. This is especially for women. Put a one in the comments.

Speaker 1: 35:41

If you have ever been on the phone with a man, been on the date with the man and he just start dumping all of his problems on you. He just started talking about all that's what's wrong in his life and all what's happening to him and how it's a struggle at work and how it's a struggle with family and how his baby mama gave him issues. Right, if we sit and listen to that shit and take all of it in. We normally leave the conversation feeling drained. We do not feel a connection. Therefore, we must have an emotional boundary there. That and that boundary might be.

Speaker 1: 36:27

I'm unavailable after 10 minutes of this. I'm unavailable to continue the conversation because I'm not your therapist. I am not trying to create a co-dependent relationship with you. I'm not. So therefore, I am not gonna have this conversation. After 10 minutes, I'll let you know and say hey, I really hate to hear that you're having a rough time. I really hate to hear how you're struggling here, but what I would suggest is that you speak to a therapist, or like do you have a therapist? That's what you know. I suggested you moving forward because right now, like, I'm taking a lot of this in and I don't have the capacity to consume all of this, especially considering that I can't do so.

Speaker 1: 37:22

This isn't even the same live. This is a brand new live, instagram. Get on my damn nerves. The comma was getting good and I just said no, oh my gosh, y'all. I really hope that Instagram save this conversation, because the kids that start recording on Zoom when you do brand new damn live. I'm so mad at that. I'm sitting here talking about emotional boundaries. Hopefully it saved. Fingers crossed that it saved.

Speaker 1: 37:56

Wendy said it's the energy. I was in the groove. They saw what the forces did. Want you to be truthful. I want to fight now. I was talking good. The live didn't even close out y'all for me. Somebody said it was a man who ended it. I was talking about protecting your emotional energy and making sure that you're not allowing men to dump on you, because what you're saying is I'm an emotional trash can. What you're saying is my emotions. I'm going to disrupt my nervous system because of you. I am going to allow you to disrupt my nervous system and be dysregulated. I am going to allow you to drain my energy. I am going to allow you to come in and put your mess on me so that I cannot process my own stuff. That's what you're saying when you allow these men to dump on you.

Speaker 1: 39:05

Also, personal space. It's easy for us to you know when we start talking to a man and we really like him. I had a client that she really liked the guy and he would tell her when he was going to see her. He was like okay, so when you get back, I'm gonna see you on Monday, and she would just see him on Monday, I'm gonna get back, I'm gonna see you Monday and Tuesday, I'm gonna see you Monday and Thursday, and she would just be available for that. And I said, is that what you really want? She was like well, I really like him and I was like that's not what. I asked you. She said, well, I don't need to see him these days. I would prefer this day and I'm like there's no boundary around that. You don't have an emotional boundary so that you have your own protection of your space. You don't have protection around your own space and because of that, you're feeling drained and overwhelmed because you try to keep up with what this man wants you to do. That is saying I do not care about myself, I do not value myself. All right, it's really hard to attract men who invest in you when you do not value yourself, you do not value your emotions in your time.

Speaker 1: 40:33

Emotional availability there are men who are not willing to open up to you about how they feel. They're not willing to open up to you about how they desire you. They're not willing to open up about what they want to create with you. Now, this is not for women, who are also emotionally available. Unavailable, because I have plenty of women who come to me. They're like Torah the men I attract or emotionally unavailable, and I'm like man. So are you. So are you? So? I'm not talking to those of you who also struggle with emotional availability. I'm talking to you guys who feel very confident and expressive and how you really like a man and how you want to experience him and how you're excited about dating him. You're very expressive in all those things and this man is very hesitant. Or this man thinks that you're extra. This man feels like you're too much, and because we believe that we're too much, we believe the man is going to put in a boundary.

Speaker 1: 41:54

There are men that would think I was too much because I like dancing in the hours of the Target, I like dancing at Durham gas stations, I like, I like just enjoying myself. There are men that would look at me and be like she's extra, that's none of my business. And then there are men who look at me from afar and they freaking love it. Yes, more of it. I want to see her dancing here. I want to see her dancing down the street. I want to see her dance on the pole. I want to see her dance on a boat. I want to see her dance in a chair. I want to see her dance over there. I want to see her dance everywhere. There's a personal boundary around that.

Speaker 1: 42:31

So if there's a man who feels like I would be too much, because that's how I like to express myself, I'm not going to dim myself and be like, oh men, say that I'm too much. I am a lot. I am a lot. You, I'm a freaking ocean and you came to me with a little ass cup. But I have a boundary around my emotions and therefore I want to stay expressive. So I'm only going to date men who love my personal expression. I'm only going to date men who love my extraness. I'm only going to date men who love my wildness and my freedom. That's it. If you got an issue with it, I don't need to dim nothing. So I have a bound, I have an emotional boundary. I'm protecting my peace and my expression. I'm never going to say you know well, men think that I'm too much. I don't give a damn what these men think over here.

Speaker 1: 43:35

I remember when I would be asking men little simple questions like hey, like what excited you the most today? We'll put a smile on your face and the man will be like you asked too many questions. Okay, we are complete, sir. You and I are complete. You think I asked so many questions. Instead of asking less questions, I'm going to connect with the man who loves my questions. You don't like my questions, but I will have women that will ask less questions because the man said that they asked too much questions. Or the man said you're doing too much and you're going too deep. Okay, sir, I'm just gonna talk to a man who loves what I have to offer. That's it, christina. Yeah, the man told me I asked so many questions. He was like we can't even talk because you keep asking questions. I'm like what you think a conversation is. I don't know what he thought. I don't know what he thought, guys, alright, guys, so go ahead and put your questions in the question box about this lesson.

Speaker 1: 44:47

But the three boundaries I'm going to reiterate the three boundaries you need in order to attract men who show up. For you to attract men who invest in you is a boundary around your desire, a boundary around your values and a boundary around your emotions, like your emotional boundary, a values boundary and a desire boundary. When you're able to put boundaries around these things. You show that you love yourself. You show that you prioritize your own pleasure. You show that you feel worthy within yourself and you start attracting men who see that worth. You start seeing men who are attracted to the way you are committed to yourself, those standards that you have for yourself, and they want to please you. Like that is a woman that knows what she wants and she's very adamant about what she wants and she has boundaries around what she wants and she is not wavering no matter what. So I want to invest in her, I want to show up for her, I want to please her because I want to see more of that in the world. I want to see more of that in a woman. I want to bring joy to her life. I want to experience more of it myself. I'm so attracted to that.

Speaker 1: 46:13

But when you don't have boundaries up like that, it feels like, oh, this woman, she needs to get some things together. This woman I've had men tell me plenty of times I stopped dating her because she doesn't love herself, she would drop things just for me. She doesn't love herself, she doesn't respect herself and again, it doesn't have anything to do with like, oh, you know, having sex was like she doesn't. She doesn't respect herself, so I stopped dating her. She didn't protect her own peace. And let me tell you something. Let me tell you a secret If you have on your dating profiles anything negative of what like, for example, like no hookups or I'm looking for a man that wants more than Netflix and chill you're telling on yourself.

Speaker 1: 47:07

You're telling on yourself when you go on a date and you talk to and you tell men that about your trash dating experiences. You're telling on yourself and these men are like nope, their trash dating experiences. Because this, there's something about this woman, when she don't have her own boundaries put into place, how she keep entertaining this time at the time again. And these men are like nah, and you were like well, I thought he wanted a relationship and he probably did, until he heard your repeated patterns of ain't shit. Men Probably heard it and you probably thought you were telling it to him so that he comes in and rescues you. But he's not a rescuer, he protects his own peace. He's not a captain save a hole, he protects his own peace. He's not trying to come in and save the day because you don't know how to choose. Some men will, but again, not these men who are erect and secure in their masculinity, not them. They're not trying to do it, so you tell on yourself when you do that.

Speaker 1: 48:16

Now, as I'm about to answer your questions, please make sure your questions are centered around today's lesson or the well-pleased woman workshop. The well-pleased woman workshop is my workshop that is designed to help you become well-pleased and well-adored by high quality men who want to show up for you and how to invest in you. It's for women who finally want to express their desires to men and have men show up for them. If you want to sign up for this workshop it's March 9th, from the first to I mean from 1 o'clock to 4 pm you can sign up by commenting desire in the comment section. If you comment desire, you will receive a link. It is currently $197, currently, yes, it is currently that price. You want to snag the price before it goes up? If you type in desire, it's on Zoom guys. If you type desire, you receive the link to enroll. You will see the link to enroll, but it's also to. You'll learn how to activate the generosity in men so that they show up for you. It's interactive. It is not a lecture. You will be taking action on the Zoom call Alright, so make sure your questions are around what we talked about today.

Speaker 1: 49:37

Someone said what's a good way to state your boundary around dating other people and keeping your options open? The boundary is hey, I'm unavailable to go exclusive with you. I'm unavailable to go exclusive with you until I find out if we are the best match. Other than that, I will continue to explore my options. That's it. We don't have to complicate this Boundary. I'm available for I'm not available for. I'm available for. I'm not available for. That's all. Boundaries are what am I gay keeping? What am I responsible for? What do I want to experience? And in everything else, that's it. Boundaries aren't complicated. What am I available for? What am I not available for? I am unavailable to? Yeah, it's in the story like I'm unavailable go exclusive.

Speaker 1: 50:30

Someone says how do you have boundaries around? A narcissistic person who's obsessed with you won't act right and won't leave unless they have a gun to your head. There's a tons of places where you're choosing just not to have boundaries Right. Someone's obsessed with you and they won't leave. Won't leave where your house. They live with you. That's my question Does this person live with you, because if this person lives with you, I need to know. If this person lives with you, then your first plan of action would be to evict that person. Right? Does the person live with you? If the person lives, it doesn't live with you. So I'm trying to figure out what the problem is. I'm trying to figure out why you're still entertaining this person. Why isn't the person blocked on everything?

Speaker 1: 51:31

If we're talking about a narcissistic, regardless of who the person is, you have a boundary. Regardless of who the person is, you have a boundary. The problem is is you're choosing not to keep your boundary, you're choosing not to prioritize your boundary, you're choosing not to execute the boundary. Regardless, you have a boundary. Someone says it's addictive how charming this person is and it's difficult to leave because of emotional attachment. Yeah, so you might have a boundary, but you're not respecting your own boundary and this goes back to you not valuing yourself enough to maintain the boundary.

Speaker 1: 52:17

You don't value your own peace and you're blaming the person for being a narcissist. You're blaming the person for being obsessed. You're blaming the person for not acting right and not leaving, when you're actually the one who's obsessed. You're actually the person who's not acting right and you're actually the person who won't leave. It's easier to blame him for all of the qualities that are within you right now. You're obsessed, you won't act right and I put right in quotes and you won't leave and you're judging him because you guys are a perfect match for one another right now. You're a perfect match and and I would not judge this person, I would not judge this man because you guys are a perfect match.

Speaker 1: 53:14

So calling him a narc who's obsessed and won't act right is not helping you. It's actually keeping you in victim mentality and as long as you are the victim, you can't leave. As long as you are the helpless damsel in distress that is at the mercy of this man, you can never make a different choice. So the first thing you have to do is stop judging this man and accept that these are all the qualities that were, that are within you. Accept that once you're able to accept that these qualities are your qualities and that that gives you a certain level of power to make a different choice. And I'm saying this guys because and this is every human, it even applies to me. So whenever I get to judging somebody, absolutely Whenever I get to judging somebody, I all I have to go back, because it's human nature to do that right. I always have to go back to me and I have to be like, damn, where is this in me and why am I? Why is this like? Where is it in me and how can I have the power to move forward in this? Yeah, okay, answering more questions Okay.

Speaker 1: 54:34

Someone says thanks for addressing emotional boundaries. I had a question about this last week. Another thing how do you draw a line between supportive or emotional? Dumpy your? Anytime something is causing you to feel drained, it is not supportive. Anytime it feels like there is a burden on you. When somebody is talking to you, that is not being supportive. That is you denying your own needs. I don't feel a connection here. I feel like a dump truck when we having these conversations. I feel worse after I talk to you.

Speaker 1: 55:18

This goes for women too. Y'all ever had a home girl that called you and all she talked about and when y'all got off the phone you felt so drained. I don't let friends call me like that. I don't let friends dump on me like that. My friends call me and say, hey, are you? You know this is what's happening. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Can we address this. But I don't have friends dumping on me like that. We need to leave the phone call feeling connected. If we don't feel more connected, then we're drained and that is not support. That is people pleasing that. I sat on this phone with your ass because I want you to feel supported. No, I am only as supportive as my capacity. That's it, and I don't want to create codependent relationships with anybody Not a man, not a husband, not a friend. No one do that. So even if your husband is dumping on you emotionally, you have to let him know. Hey, have you spoken to your therapist? I'm not here for you to dump on me, even though I'm your wife. Not here for it.

Speaker 1: 56:39

Someone says first of all, I simply love you. Ever since I heard you use the term delicious dating, my life changed. I declared it and declared it regularly, and now my whole life is based on that. Thank you, ooh, I love it. I love that. I love that so much. I'm so excited for you. Somebody says so. Let my ex use up my lunch complaining about his family. Was not the move, girl, girl, no, you're not going to get in the way of my food. Sir, can I call you back later after I finish my meal Delicious or dismissed, ooh, I love it.

Speaker 1: 57:25

Someone says how do you control your emotions while dating someone you really like, while getting to know them? Stop trying to control your emotions. Why are you trying to control your emotions? You don't need to control your emotions. The issue is y'all been trying to control your emotions because y'all think that emotions need to lead to something. Let me control my emotions because I don't want to over invest. Those are not the same things. That's because I'm head over heels in love with you Don't mean I'm over investing. Let me control my emotions before I get my heart broken.

Speaker 1: 58:11

I could be head over heels in love with you, in love with you and not have to have an attachment. Let me control my emotions so he don't take advantage of me. I got boundaries. I'm gonna be deep in love with you, but I got boundaries. I'm gonna be so in love with you, but I got boundaries. I'm gonna be so passionate about you, but I got boundaries. I'm over love with you, but I got boundaries right. My boundaries do not allow me to over invest. They do not allow me to over extend myself. They do not allow me to be attached to an outcome that does not exist.

Speaker 1: 59:03

I'm so in love with you. Does that mean we're gonna be together? Hell, if I know I'm in love today, I don't know if we're gonna be together, but I'm in love with you today. I'm so in love today. I don't know if you're gonna be my man, I don't know if we're gonna be talking next week, but I freaking love you. I'm in love with you and I love the way you smile and I love those teeth that you have and I love those dimples. You make my koochie jump. But that don't mean that I'm going to cross my own boundary, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 59:48

Somebody said do you communicate it like that to them? Yes, now, when I say like, oh, I'm in love with you, but I'm not gonna do that, I'm not saying that, but like expressing I'm in love with you, I'm so excited about you, like I really have this, like I just really want to see you and I feel so good when I'm around you and I just love the tingles that I feel when I'm around you. Somebody said wait, I just got here, you're taking me fast. What that mean?

Speaker 1: 1:00:30

Someone says do you differentiate between boundaries and expectations? For example, something I want more of, like him initiating more conversations versus having something I don't want. I differentiate the difference between boundaries and valid like. Your boundaries are yours, right? So if he does not initiate more conversation, then it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.

Speaker 1: 1:01:05

So if there is a man who never initiates conversations with me, my boundary is I do not interact with men who do not initiate conversation with me and I end the connection. That's it. I end the connection. That is what a boundary is. I'm available for this. I'm not available for that. But there is a difference between that and you and some insecurities, right?

Speaker 1: 1:01:32

So there might be a man who you're talking to and you're like I want to talk to him daily. Now you need to ask yourself why you want to talk to him daily. Because it's not like you need to talk to a men daily in general, because there are men that you're talking to who you don't need to talk to daily. You want to talk to this man daily because you need validation that this man likes you. You want security that this man wants you. You want to move the relationship along with this man. That's how you know. It's not a boundary. That's how you know, because these other men, you don't need to talk to them every day. You don't care to talk to them every day. You care to talk to this man. That's when you have an attachment. That's not a true boundary, that's you trying to be in control and control some stuff. That's that Somebody said.

Speaker 1: 1:02:24

Lord, stop reading me. Someone says you never give a second chance People. Here's the thing. Second chances are available for people who show up with a spirit of repentance. If you show up with a spirit of repentance, you can get a second chance. But the second chance is it. That's it? No third chances. Second chance is it? Because maybe you just didn't understand me the first time I said it, maybe you needed more clarity on how to connect with me. So you come with a spirit of repentance and a reconnection fee. Right, you come with a spirit of connection. Listen, there have been men who came back with a strong spirit of repentance and they're like yo, look, I messed up. What can I do? How can I fix this? I'm I need to show like what do you need? How can I make it up for you? I couldn't do like how can I show up for you? Oh, you coming with a spirit of repentance, then let's. Here's the second chance on a platter, but it won't be third chances, typically with with me, you know, okay. So y'all are now asking questions that are not about today's lesson. Some of you are asking what is a boundary? I've been talking about boundaries this whole time. I encourage you guys to watch the replay.

Speaker 1: 1:03:55

And if you are going to join me in the desire workshop, march 9th from 1pm to 4pm, is $197. Type desire in the comment section for you to receive the link to join me for that. It's an interactive workshop. Well, you will have tangible results when you leave. It's not a lecture. I'm talking to you. We're going to be doing work together. So when you leave the workshop, you are going to feel like, oh, look what I just did, look what I just created at this workshop, look what I'm prepared for. It's not like these lives where I'm just talking to you. Okay, it's the well-pleased woman workshop. You type desire in the comment section and today we talked about the three boundaries you need to create Desire boundary, emotional boundary and values boundary. So if you type desire in the comment section, you will receive the link. The link is not in my bio, so you won't find it there. You will need to type desire in the comment section.

Speaker 1: 1:04:58

Hey, tiffany, she said join C2C, the well-pleased workshop. You won't regret it. I love my clients. Right? I just showed you a boundary. I'm glad you see it. I'm glad you see that I'm showing y'all a boundary.

Speaker 1: 1:05:15

I am unavailable to answer your questions that have nothing to do with today's lesson. Someone, I also put a boundary in the place when you're in a business. You put a boundary in the place when people the price has gone up on this program and it will go up again. But when it was at a lower price, you know people missed the deadline and they were like, hey, can you give me the discounted price? I am unavailable to do that. That is a boundary of mind. If you miss the previous price, I will not provide a discount. One of the reasons why I won't provide the old fee is because, number one, to remain in integrity. Once the price is the price, everybody has that price and I remain in integrity. The second thing is it's a disservice to you because you got you.

Speaker 1: 1:06:03

If you're asking me that you're not being responsible, you want me to be responsible for your choices and I won't do that. I won't be responsible for your choices. You have to be responsible for your own choices and have radical responsibility for your life. If you need me to be responsible for that, then we have a problem, right, we have a problem, so I it's impertinent that you invest in yourself and you invest in yourself in a responsible way and not require for me to lower the price for you to be responsible. And number three if you want men to invest in you, you got to invest in yourself. You got to be willing to do that and not cut corners. If this is what you truly want, I'm glad you love my workshop. Thank you, carlotta.

Speaker 1: 1:07:01

If you press desire, if you, if you put desire in the comment section, you'll have more information. Plus, I talked about it on the live. What information would you like to know? Someone says my availability is part of my desire boundaries. As a mom, I'm available two days for dates. Men see not to like that. As I said, like you guys have to stop thinking about what some men don't want. I've already told you guys that. I already told you guys that Y'all are worried about the wrong things instead of being focused on what you're available for and what you're not available for.

Speaker 1: 1:07:39

I have a client that cannot go on dates after eight o'clock because she has to go in the bed, she has to go to sleep early because of she has an illness. She has a she has. She can't eat at certain restaurants because she can only eat certain foods. This woman has men flying her out. This woman has men showing up for her emotionally. This woman just received, like, tickets to a concert. This woman has multiple men on rotation providing, protecting and pursuing her, and she's a pastor. She's abstinent, so the two little days you can't be available for is nothing to that. And she has men showing up and respecting because she doesn't worry about the men who are not in alignment. Your question is not a most amazing way. Your question does not fit the topic, which is why I'm not answering it.

Speaker 1: 1:08:36

The topic today is about these, the boundaries, and about the well pleased woman workshop. If you have a question around the workshop, if no one else has any questions sent to around today's lesson and the workshop, it is a whole podcast episode and I really hope that Instagram saved this live. I pray, I pray it did. If there's no more questions, hey, you know, if there's no more questions around this, as well as the well pleased woman workshop. Go ahead and type desire if you want the details for the well pleased woman workshop, because the link is not in my bio. Okay, I love you guys. No, it's different than what I'm talking about today. I'm glad you guys made it to this live. I love you guys. I'm going to see if I can save it. Okay, cross fingers, all right.

Speaker 1: 1:09:36

Queen, you just listened to a super impactful, powerful episode that could potentially change the trajectory of how you interact with men as soon as hell, this week, next week, and I really hope that you take this to heart.

Speaker 1: 1:09:58

Of course, I'm always telling you to implement and if you haven't already signed up for the well pleased women workshop, go ahead, invest in yourself, show up this.

Speaker 1: 1:10:10

This workshop is for you, even if you know you haven't had your desires fulfilled in the past. It is for you even if you ain't got a man, even if you're not dating, because the concepts that I'm teaching can be used in all aspects of life when it comes to getting your desires met, whether you are wanting to get your desires met with friends and family, at your job, wherever negotiating with different companies, like if you are an entrepreneur, but anywhere, okay. So I really want you to take this to heart, invest into the well pleased women workshop and, of course, leave me a five star review, written review, so we can be up all up in the algorithm the way we're supposed to be. And that would truly bless me as well if you were able to write a review, a written review. I read all of them. So, yeah, that is it, girl. Hope to see you at the workshop and chat with you next week. Bye.