You have questions…I have answers.
Tune into this episode for a rapid fire Q&A session where I answer some of the most common questions I receive as a dating coach (and a few of the wildest lol).
I also share some interesting, wild dating stories of my own to help answer a few of these questions.
Interested in working with me 1:1. Book a sales call HERE to learn more about becoming a private client so that you can become in high-demand in the dating world…
…AND attract emotionally available and financially established men who desire serious commitment so that you can choose your life partner in as early as a year.
OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:
Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.
Take a self-paced 6 month journey to do the REAL foundational work to prepare for the love life you desire - Formation
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
You have questions…I have answers.
Tune into this episode for a rapid fire Q&A session where I answer some of the most common questions I receive as a dating coach (and a few of the wildest lol).
I also share some interesting, wild dating stories of my own to help answer a few of these questions.
Interested in working with me 1:1. Book a sales call HERE to learn more about becoming a private client so that you can become in high-demand in the dating world…
…AND attract emotionally available and financially established men who desire serious commitment so that you can choose your life partner in as early as a year.
OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:
Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.
Take a self-paced 6 month journey to do the REAL foundational work to prepare for the love life you desire - Formation
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl, welcome back to another episode of the Date With Sense podcast. I am excited to be here for another week. Can I also just thank you? Thank you for listening to these episodes, sharing these episodes with your friends, really consuming and creating with these episodes. I know I've often tell you guys, oh, and also thank you for um, leaving reviews. Yes, yes, yes, yes, I'm often, you know, telling you guys like, hey, share, leave reviews.
Speaker 1:I was on a call this week with one of my friends. His name is Lataris Whitfield and he hosts the Dear Future Wifey podcast and I was on the phone with him and he was like, girl, I was going to call to congratulate you, you know, last week, but I forgot, you know, to reach out and I was like, congratulate me for what he was like. Your podcast is always on the charts. He said one week your podcast was above mine like reaching. I know like Dear Future Wifey has like this huge audience above mine like reaching. I know like Dear Future Wifey has like this huge audience and you know there's people all over the world listening to him and listening to his interviews and the interviews that he has on there are always very, you know, edgy and it just attracts a large crowd. So I was like what the date was, since podcast was above Dear Future Wife. He was like, yeah, you were, you were ahead of me that week. He was like you were like number 22 in the United States relationship category and I was like what Number 22? And so I know he's also really popular in the Bahamas. They freaking love him over there. And he sent me the charts from the Bahamas and he was number five on the list and I was number six. The Date With Sense podcast is doing its thing and it wouldn't be able to do its thing without you. And shout out to my editor, ingrid Definitely wouldn't be here without you. And shout out to my editor Ingrid Definitely wouldn't be here without her, just making sure these episodes get out, get cleaned up and, yeah, put out for you guys. So, yeah, thank you for supporting the Dead With Sense podcast. If you want to continue to see us chart and get on the algorithm, please leave a review. I read all the written reviews, so if you can, you know, take some time out of your busy schedule, definitely leave a review on the podcast. But anywho, I just wanted to show my appreciation there.
Speaker 1:This episode is a little different. It is a Instagram live, but what makes it different is it's really like an ask me anything session where I'm just doing rapid fire answering questions. I actually love this session. I thought it was fun, I thought it was enlightening and I am sure that, no matter where you're at in your dating journey, you are going to hear something that resonates with you or activates you in a way for you to look closely and learn from. Okay, no matter what stage you're at.
Speaker 1:So, without further ado, here's the episode. I am here, tora, I am happy to be here, but I help high achieving, unchurched women of faith confidently date for marriage, attract quality men, date deliciously, and I'm here to answer all your questions. So the best way that you can get your questions answered here is to put your question in the question box so I can answer them. I took off last week so I really missed you guys. But yes, someone said what's dating sour? I don't I mean you be the guest of that. Use context clues. I mean use context clues. Any questions? Where are you guys? And make sure you guys share this live with the people. Make sure that you're sharing it with the people.
Speaker 1:Delicious dating is when dating feels yummy. It lights you up. You like feel it in your chest. You like feel it in your chest. Makes you a little toes curl, makes you want to twirl. Someone says I'm ready, I live in Puerto Vallarta but I'm interested in dating locals, but the apps aren't apping. Any suggestions? When you say the apps are not apping, tell me more about what you mean by that. Tell me more. Someone says hey, boo, love your advice on dating. Hey, boo, yeah, tell me what you mean by the apps aren't apping so that I can actually understand what you mean by that. I'd love to help you. People when they say the apps aren't apping, it can mean anything, um, people, when they say the apps aren't apping, it can mean anything, um, it can mean that your island doesn't carry the apps, you know? Um, yeah, let me know what that means for you specifically. What's your issue? All right, we got questions in the question box.
Speaker 1:Someone says is it okay to ask a friend or family member to set you up? I'm going to let everyone know on this live, if you are new to me, that I don't tell grown people what to do. So when you ask me if it's okay, what happens is good. Girl conditioning is at play, where you feel like you have to get permission to do things. Tara is going to give me permission. I am only here as your guide. I am only here to provide assistance and advice that's already in alignment with you and what you want. I am not here to tell you what to do. I am not here to usurp your intuition. I am not here to be the person that gives you permission. So when you say, is it okay to ask a family friend member to set you up, I don't know. Do you think it's okay? Cause I I think, as grown women, we should make our the choices that we want to make and not look for someone else to tell us it's okay. That's one thing I don't do. For you to look to me to ask me if you want to do something, if it's okay. I want to support you and your autonomy and your decision as a woman. So I want you to make the decision that's best for you. If you want to ask a family or friend member to set you up, do it. What we're doing is asking is it okay? Do you approve? Right? Do you think I should do it, girl, just do it.
Speaker 1:Someone said it's true, the dating apps are not working because the guys don't respond to you and don't want to get to know you. Here's what I need y'all to understand that dating apps. When you say dating apps aren't working, is like saying getting a job isn't working, putting resumes isn't working to get me a job because I haven't gotten a job because hiring managers are not calling me back. It's like saying going to the gym isn't working because it's been three weeks and I'm still 20 pounds overweight. It's like saying life isn't working. That's what. When y'all say dating isn't working, that's how I hear it Because the dating apps are not designed to work. Because the dating apps are not designed to work. It's not some type of pinball machine that you take a quarter in and you stick in it and it gives you results. I downloaded it, so work for me. That's not how dating apps work. It doesn't work like that in any other area of our lives where we just download an app. Let's just say we downloaded a fitness app and we're like I'm still not flexible, I'm still not strong. Why didn't this app work for me? Because the app is not what works.
Speaker 1:You are the one that works. You have to perform the stretches in the app. You have to show up with intention. You have to show up with the plan. You have to be the one to put effort into this. You have to be the one to audit your progress and figure out okay, if I switch this up, then what happens? You have to be the one to look at your life and be like okay, I downloaded this fitness app. I ain't lost the pounds. I've been looking. Okay, what have I been eating? Well, I've been having a box of Oreos at least twice a week. Right, I've been doing that. Well, I also haven't been really doing the full workout. I've been on my phone a little bit while I was doing my workout. You're responsible for making sure that you lose the weight that you want to lose.
Speaker 1:Y'all want to get on a dating app and be like, downloaded it. I put some pictures up. Why won't you work for me? Give me a man. Why won't this man come out of the app? That's not how the app works. You work. The app does not work. Apps don't work, people work. Let me say it again Apps do not work, people work. I'm going to say it again Apps do not work People.
Speaker 1:So I want you to ask yourself, when you go on these apps, are you treating it as if you were going on a job search and you wanted to connect with hiring managers to get hired? I am not saying treat these men like that. I am saying the effort. You know your resume has not been accepted by several positions. Do you say, oh man, linkedin don't work? No, it's not what most rational humans say. Resumes don't work. That's not what rational humans say. What they say is OK. How do I tweak this? How do I change this? How do I update this? How can I make this more enticing to the people in my field that I want to hire me? I want this type of job. What words are they looking for? What words are they looking for? What skills are they looking for? Right, how would they want me to show up? Like, how would they want me to show up in this interview? Like, that's how you need to be thinking. But we're just going on apps so that they can work, and if you're going on apps so that they can work, they won't work. I promise you that. I promise you Okay. So that's my spiel on that. If you are downloading apps and you want them to work. They are not going to work because the apps are not designed to work. The apps are simply an ecosystem for human beings to work on them. Please put your questions in the question box if you want me to answer your questions, because the chat is going by really fast. Hey guys, I'm seeing you guys coming to the chat.
Speaker 1:Someone says how soon is too soon to receive help from a guy? There is no too soon. It's like, whatever you want to do, you know receiving help, like how, when do you want to get help? What type of help are you talking about? Someone says how do you show support for a man without mothering? So it's going to depend on what the situation is, but you show support for a man without mothering him, by just allowing him to take action on what he needs to take action on. That means that you shouldn't be the one volunteering putting your cape on. Oh yeah, I can help you with that. Oh yeah, I can do that for you, and I can do that for you too. And yeah, like I can research that for you. I've already researched it for you. Here's this information here. Or I it's mothering.
Speaker 1:You can show your support by saying, oh wow, like, that's really tough, that's really hard. Tell me how you feel about that. Or how do you plan to navigate this. What is, what is something that you plan to like do to handle it? I'm really sorry to hear that sounds really rough. That's how you show support. You don't got to be putting your cape on. Dun dun dun dun. Let me go rescue this man, that he's an adult and he can do it himself. That's how you show support. I'm really sorry to hear that. Oh, that sounds really rough. How do you plan to navigate this? Oh, I love asking. I love asking well-capable men like, hey, how do you plan to navigate this? I love hearing their answers.
Speaker 1:Oh well, oh my gosh, there's one guy. He owned a trucking company and, like, his truck was involved. One of his drivers got involved in a really, really bad accident where someone was injured, and so he was at risk of like losing his company that he built, like was at risk of losing the insurance. And I said, wow, that sounds really hard. I couldn't even imagine, with that on my shoulders, being able to handle all that. How do you plan to navigate that? And he was like, it's going to be tough, but, number one, I'm going to have a conversation with the insurance company and seeing how much this could cost us and also seeing if we are there is a threat of that insurance company pulling out from us and us needing to work with another insurance company. If that's the case, if they're going to pull out, then I'm going to have to go and I'm going to need to do a search on different insurance companies to see where we can get in with this particular accident. I'm also going to need to find out the injuries of the person that was involved and to see what those expenses are going to be. And then he said I'm going to also have to fire the guy because it was negligence on his part. It's costing us a lot of money. We've given him a lot of chances and so we are going to have to let that guy down. Let him go, and I really like the guy, so it's hard on me to have to let him go, but it has to happen.
Speaker 1:You know he was just telling me all these different things on how he was solving the problem. I was like wow, like I'm really impressed by how you thought this stuff through and I'm really excited about hearing the outcome and, like every time, like we would talk, I would ask him about the outcome, like, hey, how is this going? He was like, yeah, this has been hard, but thankfully the insurance company did not pull out. That guy's medical bill is almost a million dollars, though. That guy's medical bill is almost a million dollars. Though that guy's medical bill is almost a million dollars. We're gonna have to handle that, but the insurance company is not pulling out. We're hiring a new driver. And I was like, yes, I knew you could do it. Congratulations. Those are the types of conversations you want to have, instead of like, like, let that man figure, let that man figure the stuff out. He's grown. Like, stop mothering these men. Hey T, I love you. T T. I'm so mad because I really thought I was going to be in your neck of the woods. I was going to be in Brooklyn, but it didn't work out. I'm so mad. I would have been able to see you.
Speaker 1:Someone asked please put your questions in the question box. Someone asked how do you tell a man he talks too much about himself without hurting his feelings, but would like to ask questions about your day-to-day life? Listen, I need y'all to come in close. Come in really, really close, as I share this. Come in super close.
Speaker 1:Stop trying to stop hurting people's feelings. People have feelings and they will be hurt. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. We have to stop being focused on. I don't want to hurt his feelings. Feelings will be hurt. That should be the expectation that when you say something that someone doesn't like, there's a good chance feelings is going to be hurt.
Speaker 1:So when you ask me, how do I tell a man he talks too much about himself without hurting his feelings, focus on the fact that his feelings will probably be too hurt. It will be hurt and that's okay. I would not focus on that. My focus would be on my desire, not on whether his feelings will be hurt. My desire is hey, I noticed that when we're talking our conversations, they seem to center around you most of the time.
Speaker 1:I noticed that you don't really ask me questions about me. I'm often left feeling or leaving our conversations, feeling overlooked. I don't even think I feel valued in our conversations. That concerns me. It concerns my ability to stay connected to you and leave it there and see what he says. That's how I feel. I feel like he talks all of our conversations, since, around you and, like you, don't ever ask me anything about me. What do you know about me? What do you like about me? That's how I would express it, but I wouldn't be concerned about his feelings being hurt. People's feelings need to be hurt. That's a part of the game. It's a part of life. Any other questions? I don't see any more questions in the question box. I think that was the last question I had in the question box. Are there any more questions in the question box? I think that was the last question I had in the question box. Are there any other questions or are we good for today? If we're good for today, I've only been here for 20 minutes. I can't believe it. Oh, someone put a question in the question box.
Speaker 1:Someone says how do you respond to someone ending it with you but then calls how do you respond to someone ending it with you but then calls how do you want to respond to it? The reason why you're asking this question is you think it means something. You think him calling means more than what it is. You're like he ended it, but he's calling, but he ended it. So why is he calling? Because he ended it, but he's calling. But he ended it. So why is he calling? Because he ended it. But why is he calling? There's nothing to overthink here. He ended it and he called Things are still ended. And he called. So you can ask him hey, what's up, what's going on, get clarity.
Speaker 1:But he ended it and he called it's an end. It's not conflict, it's end. It's not. He ended it, but he called, so it must mean something. Something is happening. Maybe he changed his mind. He wants to talk to me. No, he ended it, girl, and he called. So maybe he ended it, but he wants to stay in contact. Maybe he ended it and he still loves the conversation. Maybe he ended it and he still wants to maintain some connection with you. But there's no conflict here. He ended it and he called, so you just decide if you still want to talk to him. There are no right or wrong here. You can decide to talk to him, you can decide not to. None of it's a problem, none of it's wrong. All of it's a problem, none of it's wrong. All of it's a part of your soul's journey. Okay, all right, good, I like. I like playing and laughing with y'all. Just make, make it just fun. Absolutely, rita, I got you girl.
Speaker 1:Someone says how do you communicate your desires early on with a man who isn't moving that fast without seeming too forceful? It depends on what you're communicating like if it's a true desire. One of the things that I talked to the ladies with on the Well-Pleased Woman Workshop is that there are desires and then we have insecurities, then we have the need for validation, then we have attachments codependency. That's not the same thing as desires. And one of the telltale signs that you don't have a true desire and is more so a codependency is if you think your desire is needing a particular man to have a particular pace, needing a particular man to speed things up, needing a particular man to move the relationship along. Typically that's not a desire. That's usually like codependency. It's usually a need for validation. It's usually an attachment, because a desire is simply I want to be in a relationship. That desire is not attached to one particular person. It's just a desire. Anybody can fulfill it, like anybody can fill the space right. The desire is I want to be married. You have an attachment when you need this particular person to do it for you. You need this particular man to make it happen. That is no longer a desire. That becomes codependency, that becomes needing validation. That is not a desire.
Speaker 1:So when you ask, how do you communicate your desires early on with the man? I don't know what your desires are, but if it is anything I just outlined, it is not a true desire. It is something else, girl, and I don't advocate communicating anything codependent, anything where you're needing to, where you have an attachment to. I don't advocate any of that. What I advocate is aligning yourself with the man who is moving at the pace that you want to move in. That's what I advocate, for you still have the desire of. I want to be in a relationship, but it's not attached to one particular man.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I teach my clients is it's never about the man, it's all about you. It's never about the man, and when we make it about a man, we self abandon. When we make it about a particular man, we've already stepped off of our throne and put him in it. When we make it about a man, we're already distracted. Keep your eye on the prize. And who was the prize? You Keep your eye on the prize, girl, all right, hey Anne, all right, still answering questions here. Please put your questions in the question box.
Speaker 1:If you are new to this live, my name is Tora. I help high-achieving unchurched women of faith attract quality men and date deliciously for the romantic partnership they desire, whether that's marriage, whether that is exclusivity, whether she wants to be for the streets for a while. Okay, I help support in all of that. And right now I do have spots for one-on-one coaching for those of you who would like it. All you got to do is type connect and you'll get a link to book a sales call with me if you're interested in one-on-one coaching opportunities, okay.
Speaker 1:Someone said can you repeat what you said to a man that talks too much? You simply just say hey, I noticed that your conversation center around you and you have never asked a question. You're not asking questions about me at all and I often leave our conversations field overlooked and undervalued, and that concerns me in the connection that we have. Someone says if I ask for my desire and they say yes, but don't follow through, what can I do differently? You don't do anything differently. You express your desire, they said yes and they don't follow through. That just means he doesn't have the capacity to follow through with the desire. You don't do anything differently. You might just say you might can ask him and say hey, this is what I mentioned. I noticed that it hasn't been followed through yet. Like, bring it up. But other than that, why do we have to do anything differently?
Speaker 1:That comes from the mindset of I did it wrong because he didn't follow through. That means I did it wrong, which is akin to me posting on Instagram and not getting a client after I posted something and saying I did it wrong and not getting a client after I posted something and saying I did it wrong. I posted that content wrong because no one booked the call with me. Oh my gosh, I sent out the email and no one bought this. I must be doing it wrong. No, absolutely not. I'm like oh, no one. These particular people didn't want my offer, it's okay. They didn't want to book a sales call with me, it's okay. They didn't want to do that today. Maybe they'll do it tomorrow. Maybe somebody else will do it. She said I do set the boundary, that it's not an alignment, and I move on. That's how we do it.
Speaker 1:Any other questions? Before I hop off, please put your questions in the question box. Any other questions that you got for me. I'll wait maybe like two more minutes Y'all. Please make sure our questions go in the question box y'all, because this chat is. I can easily miss your question in the chat y'all.
Speaker 1:Someone says where can I meet men to practice my desires if the dating apps aren't yielding results? You might just have joined this live, but I talked at the very beginning of this live that if you're saying that the dating apps aren't working, you already see dating apps wrong, right, because I want you to see something You're like where do I meet men to practice my desires if the dating apps aren't yielding results? The dating apps will always give you the results that you are ready for, always. The dating apps are just mirrors to what you're actually, how you're actually showing up in your love life in general, like meeting men offline the way you're meeting men online, it's just magnetized a hundred times. The level of skills that you have in connecting with quality men outside in the world will reflect and be magnetized 10 times online magnetized 10 times online. So it's not that dating isn't yielding results.
Speaker 1:Is that you have just not developed the skillset to just connect with the people that you want to connect with, period, and sometimes that's not showing effort, sometimes that's not experimenting, sometimes that's not setting an intention on a daily basis. Sometimes that's not creating the conversations that lead to anything. Sometimes that's not having the proper boundaries. But if you're not meeting men online, I'm almost sure you like. There's a big place where you're probably not meeting them regularly offline either, and you can meet them anywhere. Men are 49% of the population. There are no secret locations where men hang out. I can tell you, oh girl, go to the cigar lounge, go to an upscale gala, go to a rooftop bar, go to Rick's Carlton on the weekends and do a happy hour. I can tell you all those things. But without the skills you still won't meet nobody. And by skill set I mean literally reframing a perspective and just meeting men, meeting men like normal people. Stop making this about meeting a man to fulfill your desires and make this just about meeting people. Stop making this about meeting a man to fulfill your desires and make this just about meeting people. That's what I'll say.
Speaker 1:Okay, someone says how do you get out of the sister zone, especially if you know you're super available to him? But then ask for space. But then ask for space. I wouldn't try to get out of a sister zone. I think if a man has put me in a category, that's where I'm going to stay, I'm not going to try to go to another category. That's me trying to push up on this man who has already decided where I'm going to stay. Basically, you're like and you and you and you, you're going to love me, you're going to love me. That's basically the vibes and that doesn't work. If you're in the sister zone, stay in the sister zone and go talk to somebody else who don't want to be your brother. Go talk to somebody else who don't want to be your brother. But you trying to get out of the sister zone, that's just not a hill, that's not a valley. You finna climb out of right. Not a hill, that's not a valley. You're going to climb out of right, unless you go into the metaverse in a different timeline. But I don't recommend getting out of sister zones. He sees you how you see you. I would go play with somebody that want to be your man. That's what I would do.
Speaker 1:Somebody said I walked past a nice hunk of a dude, turned around, took his hand and asked him to dance with me. We've seen each other three days in a row. That's what I'm talking about. Someone says, wait a minute, not Tariq and Singh too. I can't listen. I'm a Jill of so many trades. I used to y'all fun fact I used to have an EP, an album, back in the day and I was featured on my baby daddy album and we used to perform around the city. You know, we used to do performances and stuff. I mean our own city. I used to work. I used to work at different places. They'd be like I love your CD girl. I'd be like I love my music too. One day I might let y'all hear it. I let my clients hear it sometimes. But yeah, all right.
Speaker 1:Someone says what is a healthy pace for dating in the early stages? Calls, texts and dates A healthy pace? There is no one size fits all. You might have a pace with the man where you're on a first date with that same day and you might have a pace with the man where you don't go out on a date for another for two weeks. You might have a pace you might have three men that you're dating and one man you talk to every day. One man you talk to every four days. One man you talk to once a week and it's all a healthy pace for all of you. You might be kissing one man and not kissing another man, it's still all a healthy pace.
Speaker 1:Healthy pace is based upon your capacity, not what Torah says, not what your mama say, not what your church say. It is based upon you and your own capacity. Now does this mean Torah says advocate for just this man proposes you today and you get married tomorrow? No, that's not me saying that. Like, please don't tell the people that Torah just condones all these things. I'm just saying that I am not the one to define healthy pace. I mean, we look at scripture and we see. We see Isaac talking about coming to my tent on day one. They doing it and they married. I mean who? Who are me to judge? I just don't do stuff like that. Like you, you have to develop your own capacity, because there are people that got married within weeks and they still claim to have a happy marriage. Again, I'm not the one to judge those situations. I give guidelines to my clients based upon who they are, because I know them, but if we're just talking about general, baby sky's the limit. I would have to know you and have you as a client to be like. I don't know if that's the right move based upon our history, based upon your patterns, girl, I don't think that's the move. But generally, do what you want and it be healthy. Think about your own capacity. Rita says drop a link to the CD. I don't know. I think I'm going to keep that behind closed doors with the clients.
Speaker 1:Someone says how do I respond to a man rating photos of me? I share it with him. He replied with good, not good. I mean, how do you want to respond? What were you looking for when you sent them? What are you looking for when you sent them? Like, I don't know why he rated you. I don't know the context of this, of why he was rating you in the first place. Why did you send him the photos? What was your intention in sending the photos? What did you want him to say? What would you like to share with him now that he said good and not good? So, for example, if he just asked for a pic and you sent them and he rated them, you might just want to say I sent them for your viewing pleasure. I did not send them for you to rate them. Those pictures are fire. I didn't send you those for you to rate them. I've already rated them. Your rating is irrelevant and mute. What did I say Mute? So just ask yourself why you sent it to him in the first place. When I say that, I don't mean you shouldn't have sent it, I mean like really ask yourself why you sent it. That will get you clarity.
Speaker 1:On mainly, we do things on autopilot and we don't know why we're doing things. And so when men respond a certain way, we short circuit. Like what do I do? What do I do? It's because we had no, we were not in consciousness when we were doing it in the first place, we were just doing it. We don't even have a real why as to why we did it. So therefore, we short circuit when they operate in ways that we don't compute. Figure out why you did it in the first place, then we can figure out how the response should be. The queen says.
Speaker 1:The queen that asked the question about a healthy pace. She says I think I'm more concerned about how long is too long in between, how to know what is normal is unexpected. There is. It could be anything with the man, but I would look if I'm just getting to know a man. To me, if I just met a man and I'm hearing from him within a week, that's fine, right? I know a lot of people flip out about that. I'm like he doesn't even know me, he hasn't really even experienced me to be calling me every day like that. Do I even want him calling me every day like that? No, I don't. When he gets to know me, we get to know each other. Then we can start calling more or talking more.
Speaker 1:Someone says will this be recorded and up on your page? There will. There are so many gems. Yeah, I will drop it here. I will. Um, I'll save it. If Instagram acts right. Instagram don't always act right.
Speaker 1:Queen said I needed to hear this because after one day I'll be flipping. I'm like he don't know you, he don't know me, he don't know you, he don't know me, he don't know us. Once he gets to know us, all right things change, but let him get to know us. Someone says I want to strengthen my ability to discern what I'm doing. That gives off. I don't want a relationship because I really do. I don't think that's a question. I think that was a statement, so I'm just going to read it as a statement. I want to strengthen my ability to discern what I'm doing. That gives off. I don't want a relationship because I really do. Okay, so that was just a statement, all right.
Speaker 1:Someone says what are some tips for setting up a dating profile? Okay, setting up a dating profile requires for you, number one don't treat online dating as if it's your genie. That's supposed to work. You are the one that's supposed to work. That's number one. That's number one, okay. Number two before you go into this, set an intention, a winnable intention. My intention is setting up this profile to just meet interesting men. My intention in setting up this profile is to have interesting conversations and go on interesting dates. Right, I'm not on here trying to find my husband right now. I'm like I will know when I find my husband, but right now I'm on here just meeting people. That's what I need to do.
Speaker 1:Um, someone says online dating sucks. Don't do it. Only people who don't know how to do it say that. That. Only people who don't know how to do online dating says it sucks. When you learn how to do it, it's freaking delicious. It's like oh, I just met you today. We on the phone right now. I just met you five minutes ago.
Speaker 1:Oh shoot, I found a date just in the comfort of my home. Oh, I didn't have to leave my couch and I got three dates, three fine men, all cultured and intelligent and well-to-do. Life is amazing. I have technology at the palm of my hands where I'm able to meet delicious, quality men. By watching the Simpsons, I can meet amazing quality men. In a bonnet, I ain't even got to put makeup on and I can meet amazing quality men. Woo-hoo, woo, woo, y'all. That does light me up. Yes, I can meet. Listen, you mean to tell me that I can have a date by this weekend and I ain't even got to leave my house. Just go ahead, and just go ahead and just log off, because I can do that. You mean to tell me that God allowed man to create such a technology to connect me with any, with millions of men and millions of ethnicity?
Speaker 1:They know different languages, engineers, pilots, bankers, engineers, pilots, bankers all entrepreneurship. I'm hurting it so good. What they say in Spanish me duele, me duele. It hurts so much. It's so good God gave me this technology. I can get flued out in two weeks. Oh, my God, I'm telling y'all. I'm telling y'all.
Speaker 1:It's how I felt about sales calls as an entrepreneur, I freaking hated it. I was like sales calls suck, they freaking suck. Well, that's because I didn't know how to do them. I hated them because I didn't know how to do them. I didn't know how to conduct them. I didn't know how to like conduct them. I didn't know how to talk to prospective clients. I did not know. So it was hard. I was like okay, I'm getting on a hundred sales calls and no one's booking to work with me. They suck, they don't work. And now, like what? Last month, what? Two months ago, I like booked 33 sales calls and closed like 20, 25 of them. Like, because I know how to do it now, because I know how to do it, shout out to DF Shiro, I know how to do it.
Speaker 1:So when you learn how to do it, online dating becomes extremely delicious, extremely convenient. You go to different countries and you're able to have a date within the week. You go to different continents and you're able to have a date the same day and you get to be introduced to his culture and his way of life, and he gives you free tours around the city because and you can connect with him before you even get to his country. Okay, I want to meet a man in this country. I'm going to put, I'm going to set my thing up to meet this man in this country and let him know I'll be there in a week. You can have your tour guide as soon as you get there. Oh, hi, felipe, where are we doing today? Okay, felipe, what are we doing today? Okay, felipe, ahmaud, is this what we're doing today? I'm just let me just stop, because I get excited because this is what I help women do. But let me get back to this person question, because I went off track.
Speaker 1:They said what are some tips for setting up a dating profile? Number one your pictures need to be the five C's. They need to be confident. Show that you're confident, meaning that no filters, full body pics, not at one angle. They need to be comforting. Meaning that like it feels warm to be in your presence, like, oh, I would actually give this woman a hug or I actually feel very safe in this woman's presence, so comforting. They need to be celebrating. Meaning that it looks like you celebrate life. Right, people be on their profile talking about I love to have fun and all they got is pictures of them sitting on their bathroom sink, sitting in their car with the seatbelt wrapped around them. I'm like, ma'am, you said you like to have fun. Why is you always sitting in your car? Why is you sitting on your bathroom mirror, like what is happening here, celebrating, celebrating life, cultured they need to be cultured, meaning that like this man's looking at you and he's just like she, has a understanding of the world around her. And it needs to be consistent. Again, you can't be putting on here I love to go hiking and I love to go on adventures, but you got six seatbelt photos. It's not consistent. You say you love deep conversations, but on your profile you talking about the one thing you should know about me is I love tacos. That's not consistent, baby. There's nothing consistent about that. Okay, so it needs to be the five C's for your photos and your bio needs to be reflective of who you are, who you are. Meaning I love tacos is not reflective of who you are.
Speaker 1:What makes you smile? What makes you feel grounded? What do you value? What are your core values? What excites you Like? Oh yeah, I love to travel. What kind of travel? Where are you like Like? What kind of travel Do you travel? With the locals. Do you like to be in resorts? What do you like? Right? So those are my tips. Somebody said I keep a running list of things and places that I want to experience so that the minute a gentleman says, how can I put a smile on your face, I'm ready, ready. That's a Torah tip. That's what I'm talking about, all right.
Speaker 1:So the young lady that said I want to strengthen my ability to discern what I'm doing. That gives off. I don't want a relationship because I really do. She followed up and she said how do I? I don't know, cause you're not a client. That sounds like a client question. That sounds like a client question where I've had a, did a deep dive and had a conversation with her, where we have um, explored the patterns that she has had when she's meeting men or she's attracted men, some of the things that men have said to her. That sounds like a client question. There's no responsible way for me to answer that question of discerning what you're doing. That gives off. You don't want a relationship, but that is why you hire dating coaches when you have blind spots, because you're not able to see it by yourself, right? So, yeah, I don't. I don't even know how to answer that.
Speaker 1:Um, I had a sales call today with the client and she literally figured out on the call that we had during just the sales call, not the coaching call what an underlying issue was. And it was just by the sales call that we have not even started working together yet. But I'm excited about working with her. We haven't even started working together, we just had the sales call. T says she owned the way. Y'all want to book a sales call? You can get. You can look at the link in my bio and book one, or you could put connect in the comment section and we'll automatically send you a link to book a call with me. Anybody else. Before I jump off this live, somebody said I'm in her business Seatbelt baby. Y'all get out them cars, take them seatbelts off. Thank you, t. I'm excited for me too.
Speaker 1:I work with the most amazing women. The women that I work with do amazing things in the world. They do amazing things in their lives. They're connected to amazing friends. They create amazing life. The only thing that's really missing with these ladies is like creating success in their love life, and I just freaking love, just helping them finally get it. It's just a beautiful experience.
Speaker 1:Someone says do you think women need years to heal from a breakup? I personally think three months is enough. Just curious A woman only need a day to heal from a breakup A day. The only thing that's stopping a woman from healing from a breakup is her being stuck in her feelings and being attached to her feelings. That's the only thing that's stopping her. Her cycling the same thoughts, what we could have had, what we could have done, who he could have been to me. Why couldn't he have been that for me? Why couldn't this last? How did this happen? How did this fall apart? Why couldn't we make this work? Why couldn't he do right? What did I do wrong? What didn't he see in me that he saw in her? That's why we think it take us long.
Speaker 1:I need to heal. No, you need to get out your damn feelings. You need to stop cycling Bye. You need to stop cycling those thoughts. Women of faith are in a chokehold with that healing. I'm healing. Y'all know you cycling thoughts. Every day you come and tell us you healing and every night you cycling them damn thoughts. Oh my gosh, how could he and why did he do this, ma'am? That's why y'all be healing for three years because y'all be on the same thoughts for three years. Stop thinking those things and you will be done.
Speaker 1:In a day you will be back dating the same week after a breakup. That's what I help my clients do. Victoria know what I'm talking about. Victoria already know Break up with that man in the same week. You on the date. Because this is not about cycling thoughts. You have to decide that it's complete. I am complete. My feelings are hurt.
Speaker 1:I am extremely disappointed that this didn't work out, but I refuse to cycle thoughts about it. I'm going to cry, I'm going to grieve. I'm going to let it up. Whenever I feel the emotion in my body, I'm going to let it come out. But ain't no way in hell I'm going to let the thought cycle. I'm only going to let it come out when my body is vibrating and it needs to be released, but I'm not going to cycle no thoughts. It's unhelpful. It takes a day to heal from a breakup, unless there was some abuse.
Speaker 1:Please, people don't get on here and say Tora said abused women need to go out and date. I ain't said none of that. Don't go and tell people. Taurus said an abused woman needs to go back out there and date. I am talking to regular breakups, nothing where this woman seriously needs like some real, true psychological, mental help. Okay, please, y'all be reasonable here. I done heard a bunch. I done heard a bunch of stuff about what Tori done said and it was not the truth. I was like why? Why, y'all go and lie on Tori, like that. Don't, don't lie on Tori, don't lie. Someone says I guess me being a ruminating professional is over. Y'all, I'm you. This work doesn't stop.
Speaker 1:Even now when I have disappointments in my life, I have to watch my thoughts. I have a journal where I just jot all of my thoughts down and I'm like see, that's why you feel that way, tori, because this is what you've been thinking, this is what you've been thinking. Please scratch those thoughts out. This is what you're going to think. Instead, I'll visualize myself tearing down the thoughts in my brain and focusing on the new thoughts. I'm consistently redirecting my thoughts. Whatever you pay attention to will grow. If I pay attention to those thoughts that come up because they're going to come up, I'm human. If I pay attention to those thoughts that come up because they're going to come up, I'm human If I focus on those. That is what I'm going to recreate for myself. If I focus on what I want to focus on, I'm going to recreate that. So I have a journal, y'all.
Speaker 1:If I have a situation that I don't like, excuse me, I don't like the results. I feel a pain over it Y'all. How about this? I'm going to tell y'all something. My son got the car stolen, got his car stolen last week. I cried about it for a few hours and literally redirect myself. I ain't worried by the sense. The car gone, y'all, with payments still on it. It's gone. But if I'm going to consistently ruminate thoughts, I'm never going to make progress. It's just gone. People don't be knowing what be going on in my life. My life be hell sometimes and I still just be showing up. People have no idea what be going on. I be like y'all don't know all the stuff that's happening behind the scenes over here in Torland, but, yeah, stuff like that be going on. I be like, well, the car's gone. I could ruminate on the thoughts about it. I could ruminate how this should have never happened and he should have never did this and that should have never happened. But what's done is done. Like I cried for a few hours. We're back on track. Let's get back on track. Hey, right, okay.
Speaker 1:Someone says how do I book a one-on-one? So I want to be clear that I don't offer just for anybody listening. I don't book one-on-one coaching calls. I book one-on-one sales calls. So the purpose of you booking a call with me is to see about working together, not about me coaching you. On the call is to decide if we're going to work together. That is it, and you can book a sales call by typing connect in the comment section. You should receive a DM or you can look at the link in my bio and book a one Booker 101. Someone says my therapist is struggling hearing my conversation about the men coming and going in my life. I'm going to send her to you. She probably thinks I'm wrong with you, probably think you got issues, and it makes sense because maybe a lot of her clients do have issues with that, but not you, charlotte. You don't got the issue.
Speaker 1:Someone says how do I become more comfortable dating outside my race? I feel like I'm open to a lot and yet that continues to be an eek for me. Date outside your race. That's the only way you're going to feel comfortable more comfortable with it and being very curious with these men, learning about these men's cultures, their religions, their family values, men of culture. Every time y'all get me on here I'll be having all type of flashbacks. But just date outside of your race, just decide, just make a decision. Oh, I'm going to explore and my intention is to date a man of 10 ethnicities in the next 90 days. You know that's what I'm going to do. Or several races in the next 90 days. I'm going to try it, I'm going to see what I like, I'm going to see what I don't like. I want to test and see when I'm fetishized, because it's really easy for black women to be fetishized and so really checking for that, really just exploring. But yeah, dating outside of your race, your ethnicity, it could be a very rewarding experience, even if you plan to marry somebody within your race. If you plan to marry somebody in your race, it's still, I'm telling you, it's very rewarding to date somebody outside of your race, outside of the confines of what you know. It's very, very rewarding.
Speaker 1:Someone says how do you break the cycle of your relationship with father in your own relationship? Does that make sense? That sounds like a client question. It really depends on the client. Certain clients have certain strongholds. Certain people have certain strongholds. Certain things that are an issue for one client may not be another, but they still have the same problem. So that's nothing I can responsibly answer here.
Speaker 1:Somebody says what are some immediate red flags? That you're being fetishized as a black woman? One red flag is that you are the first black woman and they say so. That's a red flag. If they're just like, oh, like, you're the first one and it's on a like a dating app, I say it's a red flag. It's not a stop sign, but it's a red flag in terms of like their level of um, experience with your culture, um, and a lot of times these men just want to like experiment, like sexually. So that would be like a red flag. If he's like he don't like, you need to ask like about like black friends, like things like that, him being him, his interactions with black people on a regular basis, people that are like you're the first black girl. You look at his profile, he with friends and you don't see no black people in the pictures. Woo, he got no black people in those pictures. Again, these are stop signs. These are not red flags, these are stop signs.
Speaker 1:Okay, I remember going out on a date Like I went on. I remember I went on a date with an Indian guy. I could tell he wasn't fetishizing me. I could tell that he was interested in who I was as a woman. He had people of all cultures that were friends, um, and it was. It was a really great experience. It was fun, um, engaging. But I've also went on a date with the Indian literally just experimenting outside of his race. And I knew the moment on the date when he said to me he was in an arranged marriage that was arranged for seven years and it ended. I said, oh, I already know what time it is and no, it ain't going to happen. I already know like, oh, you were in an arranged marriage for seven years, you want to go on a date with me. And it was true, right, it was right.
Speaker 1:I didn't like he was very kind, he treated me very, very well, but you could tell where he was getting at, so I wouldn't try to look for too many other flags. I would start there, I would really start there with that, just noticing the amount of people he engages with black people, people of cultures just in general outside of his own culture. And if he's like, oh yeah, you're the first one, and how old are we? It also depends on age too. Let's just say I'm 40 and he's 40 and he says you're the first one, I don't know. You know, it's a red flag for me. I'm the first one and we're both in our forties. No Sounds like like no, I don't want to be a part of that. I dated.
Speaker 1:I remember dating a white man back in college and, although it was an amazing experience, he did not realize all the internal microaggressions and racism that he got from his parents because his parents was racist. They were so racist they cried when they found out about my existence, when they found out he was dating a Black girl. I wasn't the first Black girl that he was involved with, but I was the first Black girl that he was in a serious relationship with. And when they found out about me they cried it was a whole big thing with. And when they found out about me, they cried, it was a whole big thing. They loved his black guy friends oh, he could have a sidekick Hated the fact that he was with a black woman and he didn't realize the internal microaggressions Like, for example, when we were working. We used to work at an electronic store together and this was when Soulja Boy was popular. It was like you on the TVs.
Speaker 1:And another guy was like why are they doing those dances and why does? Boy, said we was what? 19 years old. He was just like it's because you know black people, you know a lot of them are poor. And I said, man, I already knew it wasn't going to work out. We don't need, we don't need nothing. The thing is he was going to my black church. He was praising the Lord at my black church. He was doing all the things. He wanted to get married, but those microaggressions was never going to work for me, ever, ever in a million years.
Speaker 1:And he eventually did marry a black girl, a AKA actually, and I had two kids with her. I think they're still together, but it couldn't be me. I, I'm sorry, I don't want to get married that bad. I'm good, I am absolutely good, and this man has helped me through it with his good credit. He had A1 credit at a young age because his parents put him on the aid card. This man made sure my son was well taken care of, like we was just 19 years old but couldn't do the microaggressions. Um, because that just seeps into your kids too. It's just a lot, it's just a lot of stuff.
Speaker 1:I had to say no, gotta walk away from nice things sometimes. All right, I think that's it. We were here for an over an hour. I love you guys. If you are interested, yeah, I don't. I don't advocate for you guys to do that at all, please. You know, that's why I said no. Right, I said no.
Speaker 1:If you're looking for one-on-one private coaching, you can work together for the next six months. You can book a sales call. If you type connect in the comment section, you'll receive a direct link. If you click in the link in my bio, you will also receive a link to book one-on-one with me to see if we can work together. See if that makes sense. I'm here to change your life, not just romantically.
Speaker 1:All right, I love you guys. Bye, I'm getting ready for poll. Bye, all right, lover girl. That was the episode I would absolutely love. If you feel like this episode would help somebody that you know, please share it. Extend the love, share the wealth and, of course, leave a review. Let us be able to continue to chart. Continue to be found in the algorithm. This is a movement that is bigger than me. It is the liberation of women of faith everywhere who has spent much of their adult life not knowing the truth and not recognizing the power that they have and autonomy that they have over their love lives, of being able to create. And so, yeah, let's spread this far and wide, let's get the good news out there and until next time, bye.