When You Attract Men Who Want To Go 50/50

Yes. There are high-earning, professional women who are still attracting men who want to go 50/50. 

If this sounds like you, it’s probably because you are in “good girl” mode. 

Listen to this week’s episode to learn how being the “good girl” leads to men wanting to go dutch and have you pay for dates. 

You also learn 3 practical steps to break this pattern so that you can start attracting generous men who are excited about investing in you. 

Interested in working with me 1:1. Book a sales call HERE to learn more about becoming a private client so that you can become in high-demand in the dating world…

…AND attract emotionally available and financially established men who desire serious commitment so that you can choose your life partner in as early as a year. 

OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:

Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop

Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard 

Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.

Take a self-paced 6 month journey to do the REAL foundational work to prepare for the love life you desire - Formation

Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at: 

@torahcents 

@curved2cuffed 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What's up, lover girl, welcome back to the Day With Sins podcast. Oh, I'm so glad that you're here. I am over the moon, really excited, like also anxious, at the same time feeling a little. I'm feeling really expansive right now.

Speaker 1: 0:24

I just got back from a three-day event called Emancipation, hosted by the DL Sharon. She is a do I want to call her a sales coach. I mean, she's generally a sales coach, but she's just so much more Like. I just feel like her mind is incredibly brilliant and she hosted an event for women of color women of color coach event and it was absolutely incredible. Not only is she brilliant, but the women that she's connected to and that she's built her business with, they're also brilliant, and that she's built her business with, they're also brilliant. And I have received the coaching of my life at this event and there were lots of laughs, lots of tears, lots of.

Speaker 1: 1:16

I had to really look at myself as what kind of leader do I wanna be? What kind of CEO do I need to be in order to continue growing my business, developing my business? And what am I nervous about when it comes to making decisions in my business and how to just do what's best for clients and do what's best for the business and do what's best for the business Even when I'm having, like, some personal emotions around it. So it was just an incredible experience. I definitely think that if you are an entrepreneur, if you are a woman coach, even if you're not a woman of color, you should definitely follow her Again. I just think she's brilliant. But yeah, I'm, I'm on my high off of that, like there's a lot of feelings around that and I am also very, very grateful for all of the, for all of the love surrounding this podcast. I just got another review on the podcast from Opus and she says my favorite self-development. She says thank you for elevating my life, tora. From every podcast, episode, emails, blogs, I appreciate the free, critical coaching and the amazing gems throughout my entire adulthood. Haven't joined C2C yet because I'm broke Girl stop. That big move is still on my A bucket list and I can't wait for the next podcast. Ps, I miss your rooms from Clubhouse. I've thrown away all social media accounts and still feel connected and aligned with all of your teachings. Thank you for sharing your gift and I want to thank you, opus, for taking the time out to leave a review. I read every single one. I appreciate every single one and if you and anyone who's listening to this podcast, if it has really made an impact in your life, please consider leaving a review to help us move up in the charts and be found by women who need this work.

Speaker 1: 3:26

So today I want to address the high earning professional woman who is still attracting men who want to go 50-50. And if you are not familiar with that term, for whatever reason, it means that you are attracting men who want you to go half on dates, on dinner, on rent, right. They want you to put your money up and they do not believe in investing in the relationship or investing in you until they know that you're going to be their girl. Basically, and even if you are going to be their girl, they might still want you to go 50-50,. But these are the men that you're going to date and they pay. They want you to tip or they pay for the date. They want you to purchase the appetizer, or, if they pay for the first two dates, they want you to pay for the third date and they might test you and say, oh well, I paid for the first two dates, it's time for you to treat me. It's those types of men.

Speaker 1: 4:41

And now I really want to be clear here and be adamant to say there is nothing inherently wrong with these men. It does not mean these are terrible men. It doesn't mean that these are bad men, but for the women that I work with and the women that um, yeah, basically like the women that I am around and surrounded by like they are looking more so for a man who is a provider, there was nothing wrong with a man who doesn't want to provide in that way, who doesn't want to provide in that way. But if you want a provider and you are not attracting providers, there is an issue. So I just want to be very, very clear.

Speaker 1: 5:32

This is not to bash any particular man with a particular choice. There is a woman out there for him. There are women who love men who are 50-50, for whatever reason. We got what even Gabrielle Union talked about her relationship and what she's paying in terms of her relationship with Dwayne Wade. I have no words to say about that. That is their relationship right. It's the out of people's business. My job is to help women have what they want and not focus on what other women are choosing to do with their money and in our relationships.

Speaker 1: 6:05

So the women that I work with, they are high earning, professional women and sometimes they get in a cycle where they are attracting men who want to go 50-50. Now, if you are one of these types of women, if this has been your experience, it I am almost sure. If you are a high achieving woman of faith, I am almost sure it's because you are quote unquote in good girl mode. Okay, and what good girl mode looks like is, although you are highly educated, although you are highly successful and ambitious and you have been very, very proactive about creating this life for yourself, you still feel the pressure to be nice, you still feel the pressure to be accommodating, to be agreeable in your romantic relationships.

Speaker 1: 7:13

So I come across this all the time with clients, and one of my favorite clients that I've been working with recently and she, when she first came to me, she was really dealing with men who wanted to go 50-50 and wanted her to pay for things and wanted her to, you know, pull out her wallet, and so what would happen is, I think one of the dates that she went on, the guy was looking for her to purchase the appetizer, so he was going to cover everything else and she was to purchase the appetizer, and so men were typically coming to her and asking to go on dates. And on these dates, every single time she would be kind of asked to pay in some sort of way, whether it's tip, whether it's appetizer, whatever you know, or pay her half or go Dutch or whatever. And so we had a conversation about it and she said, yeah, I don't understand. Every time I'm going out like that, I have to pay.

Speaker 1: 8:32

But at the same time in her life, although she was, you know, successful engineer everyone in her family were successful engineers and she just really took pride in her career and her work and things like that she wasn't actually showing up for herself romantically. So what it would look like is she would want to, she would have a desire to go on a date with a man, and instead of expressing that desire and holding firm to a boundary that she only wants to remain connected if she can go on a date, she would continue to talk and text the guy. There was a guy who said I am not ready, you know, I don't want to, you know, move too fast, like I'm, like going on a date is not moving too fast, but whatever, and instead of standing on that desire like, she continued to talk to him. So that is being nice, that is being accommodating, that is being agreeable. Also, when she would have conversations with these men, she primarily would have the conversations that they wanted to have, like, whatever they wanted to talk about she would talk about. Because whenever she would insert things about her and talk about herself, the conversation herself they didn't, the conversation wasn't as engaging, they didn't seem as interesting. So instead of her choosing to bow out of these types of interactions, she chose to what I call pretzel herself. You know, became agreeable, accommodating, since you're not really interested in what I want to talk about, we are going to talk about what you want to talk about. So think those are the types of things that would show up.

Speaker 1: 10:31

And so she wasn't going out on dates. And when she was going out on dates, these men wanted her to go 50-50. When she was going out on dates, these men were dumping on her emotionally. And so, instead of deciding that she did not want to be dumped on, and she was not going to be dumped on and if you're not sure, what dumped on is is when someone has a lot on their mind, like when it comes to like burdens or stress, and a lot is going on with them, and then they choose to just share it with you, irresponsibly, like you're their therapist. All of it's just coming out and then you're there listening to them. So she would allow men to dump on her and she felt like it might've been like encouraging and supporting, but instead it was just her being accommodating and agreeable, um, talking to these men, right? So, um, I've shared that piece because I really wanted you to see, like, how things could manifest, or if you could see yourself in that particular client. Things could manifest, or if you could see yourself in that particular client.

Speaker 1: 11:53

And this client was definitely in good girl mode, and good girl mode leads you to settle for less, like allowing men to consistently prioritize their interests, their opinions, their experiences over yours. So they want to have the conversations they want to have, they want to have the level of communication they want to have. They want to text you. You know you want to be called, but they want to have the kind of, they want to have that type of interaction with you. Okay, they are consistently prioritizing their interests, their opinions. You have an opinion about something. Their opinion is automatically better than yours or more important than yours.

Speaker 1: 12:28

Good girl mode leads you to tolerate inconsistent behavior from men, like canceling plans and not keeping promises. So you have a date scheduled and then, okay, he cancels it the first time, right, but then you reschedule and then there's another cancellation and then you're like, okay, you know we can, you know we can make it happen, and then there's another cancellation, right, tolerating inconsistent behavior from men. Or a man says that he is going to call, and every time he says he's going to call, he does it, and instead of you holding him accountable to what he said he was going to do, when he texts you the next morning good morning queen you're back texting him. Either you're back texting him or you're passively aggressive, right, leading him making statements that are passive. Aggressive because you're upset because he didn't cancel the plans. I mean because he didn't hold to the plans. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1: 13:33

I remember a guy. He planned a date with me and and things were, you know, I was getting prepared for the date for later on in the week and then the man never called to confirm the day and time Right, so technically we didn't have a date Right. He said, hey, I want to go out with you this day and around this time, but if there's no location, there is no date. So that, oh, you know, we getting closer to the week, I never got a location from him and so I continued to live my life and do what I needed to do. And then he came back and I said, hey, I'm disappointed, I didn't hear from you concerning the date that you said we were going. He was like, okay, let's go ahead and plan it for this time. He said I will get back with you on the location. I'm like, okay, he comes back. He never gets back with me about the location and I did not hear from him.

Speaker 1: 14:43

That was the second time about the location and I did not hear from him. So that was the second time. So the first time I am available to give grace, especially if you are not used to dealing with a woman like me. Okay, second time, you did it. Okay, this is a pattern. So the third time he came back around and he says, hey, you know, I want to talk to you on the phone. And I said, hey, I'm unavailable to continue connecting with you because twice in a row you have stated that we were going to go on a date, and neither of those times have you gotten back with me until after. The fact I no longer want to remain connected to you and he was was like that's fair, I get it, I understand. I wish you best of luck, right? So, again, that was this. Two was enough for me, okay. So no, tolerating inconsistent behaviors such as canceling plans, not keeping promises.

Speaker 1: 15:39

Also, good girl is feeling obligated to provide emotional support and catering to the needs at the expense of your own. Listening to men offload their stress onto you. Listening to men that to offload their problems. What's going wrong with them? Because you think that that is what you're supposed to do as a good girl, instead of referring his ass to a therapist. You are not his therapist. You do not need to create codependency between you and men. You do not need to provide emotional support to these men in this way, because you leave feeling drained, you feel overwhelmed and some of you are feeling obligated to fix it. How can I help? How can I fix it for you? No, you're not obligated to do that, but as good girls, we feel like that is what a good woman does. No, that is what a good therapist does. You are to remain separate and to take responsibility for your own emotional needs. That does not mean that you ignore the person. It means that you're just not responsible for taking on their emotional issues, okay, and allowing them to dump on you.

Speaker 1: 17:01

Also, avoiding sharing your opinions or difficult conversations to keep the peace. Yeah, like my client that I mentioned, she would avoid sharing about herself because men did not seem interested. But the thing is she was not putting two and two together, that men were not interested because she didn't make it a point for her to be interested in her own self. So that, oh, this is who I am as a woman. I am incredible and amazing. My stories need to be heard and I am going to share my stories here. I'm going to share my opinions here. I'm going to share my thoughts here.

Speaker 1: 17:43

That is the frequency of confidence. That is the frequency that attracts men who are available for that. But if you play small, you are attracting men who need you to be small, and when you settle for less in all of these ways, it attracts men who do not value you. Okay, so they're not interested in investing in you right off the bat. They're not in. They're not interested in investing in a date paid in full. They're not interested in spending money in in um in a way that benefits you. They're not interested, okay. Benefits you, they're not interested, okay.

Speaker 1: 18:25

And it also repels quality men at the same time, when you settle for less. It repels quality men who desire women who have a high level of self-respect. It repels those men who are ready to invest, because they are looking for women who know that this is their birthright. They are looking for women who are solid in this experience and who have expectations for this experience. These types of men are not looking to save you, because they're not looking to be responsible for your emotions either. They are looking for you to come ready to be served in a healthy way. They are looking for women who are extremely, extremely secure in their boundaries and are ready to receive with confidence.

Speaker 1: 19:20

Now, if you have pretty much listened to what I said so far and you understand that you're pretty much been in the cycle of this pattern and this is why you're attracting men who want you to go 50-50, the only way out of this pattern is three things, and these three things I also had this client do and she has experienced some incredible results. Number one put yourself first. That's number one your needs come first, right? So if, in order for you to stay connected with the man is to go on a date within the first week or first two weeks, that need comes first. If it's a phone call, that need comes first, right. Your pleasure comes first. He wants to go out for drinks. You don't want to go out for drinks. You want to go do something first. Your pleasure comes first. There is no. Well, he invited me to go for drinks. I don't really care for it, but it is a date. No, we do not settle for things just because they come. Half of what you want, right?

Speaker 1: 20:32

If you don't like drinking dates, do not go on drinking dates. It's not because you think that you're better than drinking dates. You don't enjoy drinking. You don't enjoy bars. You might enjoy something else, but you don't enjoy that. You have to say no, okay. It reminds me of Cat Williams when he said he said Diddy's going to want to party.

Speaker 1: 21:01

You gots to tell him no, these men are going to be offering you things that you don't like and you gots to tell them no, these men are going to be offering you things that you don't like and you gots to tell them no, all right, you gots to tell them no, you have to put yourself first. You have to think about, like, if men are looking to dump on you and you, you know you don't have the capacity for this, you gots to tell them no, like, hey, I understand you're going through a tough time right now and it seems really, really hard, but I do want you to know that, although I completely empathize with what you have going on right now, I don't want to center our conversations around it. What happens is I start, I start receiving what you're saying to me and it feels really heavy. And I don't want to feel heavy when I'm talking to you. I want to feel light. I want to feel open to having conversations. I don't want to feel heavy to having conversations. I don't want to feel heavy. Do you have a therapist, right?

Speaker 1: 22:05

So this is what it looks like to put your needs first, put yourself first, and that's the first way that you're going to come out of this pattern. Your needs have to come first. Your pleasure has to come first. I remember conversing with this client and I stated that if you want to go out on dates, that needs to come first. Okay, if these are the dates that you want to have, you have to come first. If you want to have certain conversations, you have to come first. Let's work on that. So the second thing that you need to do to come out of this pattern is you got to set clear boundaries. Once you decide that you're going to put yourself first, setting clear boundaries comes with the territory.

Speaker 1: 22:56

This is what are you available for and what are you not available for? That's simple. What are you available for and what are you not available for? What communication are you available for? Maybe you are available for text and phone calls, but you're not available for random FaceTime calls. The boundary needs to be set. Maybe you are available for dates and you are not available to have phone calls every single day with no date scheduled, right? That's not what you're available for. So the boundary is we need to be able to go on these dates. Maybe your boundary is I don't go out on dates. I'm not available to go on dates where I need to pay. I'm not available for that, right. What are you available for? What are you not available for? What kind of emotional support are you available for? Providing You're not available, you might be available to empathize with a person, but you're not available to be dumped on.

Speaker 1: 23:58

The boundaries have to be clear. I am unavailable to stay in connection, I am unavailable to continue to text, I am unavailable to go on a date. I am unavailable to do this. If this isn't happening, I'm unavailable to have conversations with you. If you continue to talk about blah, blah, blah, I'm just unavailable to have it with you, completely unavailable for it. So that's the second thing you need to be able to set clear boundaries and when I was working with a client, one of the boundaries that we had her set is you're not going to continue to talk to men if they are not open to having conversations about what you want to talk about. Right, you're not open to having conversations with men or talking on the phone with men who are not scheduling dates.

Speaker 1: 24:55

So there was a particular man when she said hey, when she expressed that she was ready to go on a date, and he was just like no, we can take our time. And at first she was okay with that. Not well, she wasn't okay with that. She pretty much was agreeable, accommodate. And then she was like okay, and I told her no, you need to go back and you need to share with him that you're not available to stay connected with him without a date planned. And next thing, you know, this man was like no, no, no, let's plan a date. And he planned this date and it was one of the highlights. It was one of the highlights for her because she felt well taken care of, she didn't have to pay for anything, right, she was used to like the 50-50 concept, like the man was able to show up for her, and not only that, she continued. She continued to have this particular experience with men.

Speaker 1: 25:55

And we're going to get to that because the third thing that you need to get out of this pattern is to take up major space, major space. So again, even though we're high, achieving, even though we have great education, we ain't taking big space. We're not expressing our thoughts on certain topics, right. We're thinking that, oh, you know, people don't want to hear that or he doesn't want to hear that. We're not stating our preferences for how we want to be treated, for how we want to be interacted with, like, hey, we'd rather get mad at what you do in text instead of expressing our preferences on the types of communication. Another woman does not care about what you do in text. Instead of expressing our preferences on the types of communication, another woman does not care about what you do in text, so it won't matter, but you do.

Speaker 1: 26:39

So you need to let men know like hey, these are the conversations that I'm looking to have, expressing your desire to have a particular experience. I want to go on dates like blah, blah, blah, I want it's late, I want to receive a car to get home. Right, what is my desire? I would love to receive flowers taking up space, celebrating your success, like when you're talking to men. I know people say hey, men don't want to know about your success. That's not true. Men don't want to hear from women who lead with their accomplishments, who lead with their success, but they definitely enjoy a fully expressed woman who knows how to communicate her accomplishments and her success without making it the forefront of her life. So, being able to celebrate your success, your accomplishments, with men and feeling empowered doing it, expressing your emotions and getting vulnerable and sharing how you feel, that is what taking up space looks like.

Speaker 1: 27:43

Taking up space doesn't look like well, I'm not going to share, because he should already know. Taking up space doesn't look like ready. No, taking up space doesn't look like well. I'm not going to say this because I think that he's not going to be interested, or I'm not going to express that I like him because I don't want him to think I'm thirsty. None of that is taking up space. It's playing small, playing little girl games. We don't want to play little girl games. We want to take up major space because we want to attract men who are big enough to hold that space. As long as you're playing small, as long as you're holding your tongue, as long as you're not expressing your emotions and your desires and getting very, very clear and communicating to men, you are going to attract men who need you to be small and they're going to show up in your life in very small ways.

Speaker 1: 28:38

Okay, and one of the things that I had this particular client do to take up space. I said you need to go write down 30 things that make you unique, that make you interesting, and I need you to ask friends and family about this. And when she came back with this list, I said now these are the things that you're going to be talking about in conversations with men. You're going to bring them up. You're going to converse with men, you're going to be proactive about talking about these things and you are going to weed out the men who are not interested in these conversations with you. And when she started taking up major space, these men not only got better and better quality, and she was like I am just not used to receiving, these men are just laying it on me. One of the men bought me a gift and this man said he wants, he's going to do this for me and she has never experienced this.

Speaker 1: 29:34

And she made this change in like two months time, right, like going from 50, 50 men and I think it was about six weeks going from 50, 50 men to men who were just showering her right With support, showering her with affection, showering her with paying for things and buying gifts in just six weeks, and these men were really excited to learn more about her. She was having the conversation she wanted to have, right about herself. The conversations would start to center her instead of her allowing them to center the men. She was able to go on regular dates because before she wasn't going on them and then she was going out on dates that she really, really liked and appreciated. She felt beautiful and gorgeous and then she started being approached in public. When she wasn't being approached in public before, now she was being approached in public Again. All of these shifts change so many different areas romantically Okay, after she did this.

Speaker 1: 30:35

So to get yourself out of this pattern of attracting 50, 50 men number one, you got to put yourself first. Number two, you got to set clear boundaries. And number three, you got to take major space. The thing is, all of this is really really hard to do when you have internalized good girl conditioning from society and religion to please men and prioritize. You know their needs above your own. So I know many of you are listening to this podcast and you're like, yeah, that's right, torah, talk about it, torah, amen. Like you can logically regurgitate the things that I'm saying. You know logically what I'm saying is true, but when I actually take a peek into your life, that logic ain't translating. The reason being is because, even though you understand it logically, there are still a lot of internalized good girl conditioning to keep you stuck in the same cycle, and that's why I help you drop the good girl act that has you settling for crumbs.

Speaker 1: 31:39

Inside of my one-to-one coaching, I use my solar system lifestyle setup that will help you implement new behaviors that command respect, and not just respect from men, respect from your boss, respect from your colleagues, respect from your family, respect from your friends, just in general, that command a certain level of respect that you have not yet received and that you totally deserve. And the lifestyle change that helps you to stop fearing rejection and increase your confidence to require more from men, to require more from how they show up, because now your life is set up where you are the center, you are the sun and everything else revolves around you and your life, like the planets, and they serve and support you. You will create a set of boundaries that eliminate self-abandonment and people pleasing, so that you are very, very clear on what you're available for, what you're not available for and you're not doing more than that. And you will know exactly how to get your desires fulfilled by men, by expressing yourself, by prioritizing your pleasure, by using the voice approach in order to get your desires fulfilled and your needs met. So say goodbye to 50-50,. Girl, you will become the ultimate star of your life, working with me, putting yourself first and attracting men who provide for you and make you a priority If you are highly educated. A successful quote unquote. Good girl who is tired of men not seeing your value, I might just be the coach for you. I work with high achieving, unchurched women of faith who desire to really focus on their success with love, as they've already created in other areas of their life socially, financially and professionally. I can help you create a rotation of two to three emotionally intelligent, well-cultured, financially established men, so that you can have real options to choose from and be able to choose your partner, your legacy partner, your husband, in as early as a year.

Speaker 1: 34:06

So if you want to become a private client, the next step is to book a sales call with me. The link to book a sales call will be in the show notes. If you can't link to the show notes for whatever reason, it will be on my Instagram profile bio. You can click the link to book a sales call. And when you book a sales call with me, we're going to meet on Zoom. We're going to meet on Zoom. We're going to meet face to face and we are going to have a conversation about the current state of your love life what is working, what is not working, what have been your obstacles, what have been your frustrations. We are going to sit and we're going to have a conversation about that, and then I am going to prescribe to you what exactly you need to work on so that you can start seeing results in the next couple of weeks. So that you can start seeing fast, quick results, so that you can be on the path to building and creating your rotation of men, so that you can actually have a choice and at the end of the call, we can decide if working together makes the best sense. Okay, you can have that choice right. There is no pressure for me on this end. We will both need to know if working together makes sense. So that is the end of our conversation today.

Speaker 1: 35:30

If you enjoyed this podcast episode, you already know go ahead and write a review, give a review. I love those. I read them all and also feel free to tag me on social media. Tag the episode. Let me know that you're listening, let me know if something was impactful, let me know what landed for you. Let me know what you're going to implement immediately. Please tag me on social media. I absolutely love those tags and resharing them as well. So until next time, bye.