One of my best tips for attracting quality men who please you is to Honor your desires.
It sounds so simple, but most High-achieving Women of Faith ain’t doing it.
And the biggest culprit for why is “good girl” conditioning.
Listen to this week’s episode to learn my method to start prioritizing your wants, needs and boundaries so that you create more satisfying dating experiences and attract men who want to meet your needs.
Interested in working with me 1:1. Book a sales call HERE to learn more about becoming a private client so that you can become in high-demand in the dating world…
…AND attract emotionally available and financially established men who desire serious commitment so that you can choose your life partner in as early as a year.
One of my best tips for attracting quality men who please you is to Honor your desires.
It sounds so simple, but most High-achieving Women of Faith ain’t doing it.
And the biggest culprit for why is “good girl” conditioning.
Listen to this week’s episode to learn my method to start prioritizing your wants, needs and boundaries so that you create more satisfying dating experiences and attract men who want to meet your needs.
Interested in working with me 1:1. Book a sales call HERE to learn more about becoming a private client so that you can become in high-demand in the dating world…
…AND attract emotionally available and financially established men who desire serious commitment so that you can choose your life partner in as early as a year.
Take a self-paced 6 month journey to do the REAL foundational work to prepare for the love life you desire - Formation
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@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
Speaker 1:
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. Guess what? This is episode 80. Oh my God.
Speaker 1:
Okay, but like, seriously, I often surprise myself and very, very like, shocked at how consistent I've been with this podcast and very, very shocked at how consistent I've been with this podcast. If I ain't consistent with anything else, I have been consistent with this podcast and I'm just so grateful. I think it's the ease of me just being able to sit down. I don't have to look pretty, I don't have to have clothes on, I can simply just speak to what's happening on my mind and I guess that's been working for me and I'm just really happy that I've been able to come here week after week and providing valuable content, providing problems to your solutions and remedies for your issues, problems to your solutions and remedies for your issues. And today is pretty much the same as the other days, because we are going to be talking about honoring your desires, to attract men who want to please you. And here is one of my best tips for attracting quality men who want to please you, and this tip is so simple, it's just not easy, and it's honoring your desires I want you to go back to I believe it was episode 78, where I talk about declining what doesn't align in order for you to attract compatible men. Think of this episode like a sister episode. Right, if you haven't listened to that episode, please go check it out. But this is like a sister episode, because not only do you need to decline what does not align for you, but you have to also honor your desires if you want these men to please you. And honoring your desire simply means that you acknowledge, you respect, you prioritize your wants, your needs, your boundaries. And it's so simple. But most of us ain't doing it. And when I say most of us, I'm specifically referring to women of faith. We ain't doing it. Most of us are not respecting and prioritizing our own needs, wants, desires, boundaries.
Speaker 1:
While dating men, we like, right, like, maybe we do it when we're dating men, we don't like, you know, for the most part, but when we date men, we actually like it. Just it goes out of the window. We go with the flow of what the men want to do. You know the types of dates they want to go on and the types of conversations they want to have or when they want to reach out, and the topics of the discussions that you have and the pace of the relationship, like we're pretty much going with the flow, what the men want to do, and we also choose to do things because we don't mind doing it. Oh, this is a big one. We don't mind doing it. And don't mind simply means I don't really care about doing it, like it doesn't light me up in any way, it doesn't really excite me, but you know it doesn't kill me, right? And that's like a very like defeated way to live your life is to like just do things because you don't mind doing them.
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I would have clients go out on dates with men and I'll be like why did you go on the date? And it would be like I just didn't mind going out on this date and they're wondering why they're not dating deliciously and I would ask okay, so why are you having a conversation about your ex on the date? Oh, I didn't mind having a conversation and I'm like you don't understand that. You left the date feeling drained and feeling unfulfilled and a lot of that. The date conversation was centered around your past relationship and you had the conversation because you didn't mind. You didn't mind digging into a topic that did not fulfill and excite you on a first date, you know. So we're just doing things because we don't mind, like I don't mind talking on the phone with him throughout the day, even though I got other shit to do. I don't mind, like I don't mind talking on the phone with him throughout the day, even though I got other shit to do, I don't mind doing it.
Speaker 1:
And we are engaging men who aren't really interested in pleasing us. Men typically do a very, very good job at pleasing themselves, and not just pleasing themselves. They do an excellent job at expressing what you could do to please them. Oh, hey, you know, uh, you could just come to my house. That that would, you know, make sense to me. Uh, send me a pic that's pleasing to me. Send me a pic that's pleasing to me, right? Hey, I have a wife. I want to have a threesome with you. That's pleasing to me. They do not care about our opinions. We judge, we get annoyed, we criticize. They don't give one damn about your criticisms and your judgments, because they have prioritized their pleasure to get what they want. And because they prioritize, they eventually get what they want. You may not do it, but they always find someone to do it.
Speaker 1:
And but we, we spend a lot of time engaging men who aren't interested in pleasing us. Right, we want to experience certain things, we want to go on certain types of dates, we want to have certain kinds of conversations. We want to have a different, a certain type of communication maybe it's phone calls and in person. Like, we want to have these things, but we are dating men who aren't interested in pleasing us and because of it, we are spending a lot of our energy entertaining men who don't respect our desires, because we're an energetic match for them. We are an energetic match. That's why I always talk about dating as a spiritual practice, having awareness around, how you're showing up what you are a match for and I always teach this to my clients. I'm like dating is a spiritual practice and it's mirror work. Like dating these men is like mirror work.
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Whenever you see a pattern of what you are interacting with and entertaining, understand it is an energetic match for you. And if you want to clean up this pattern, you are going to have to shift the energy. You have to. You are always going to reap what you sow. That is a metaphysical law. Have to, you are always going to reap what you sow. That is a metaphysical law, and if you do not respect your own desire, baby, you are an energetic match for men who don't respect your desires.
Speaker 1:
So, for example, I had a woman recently tell me, you know, she's like, oh man, I'm like, I'm dating this, oh, he's so yummy, he checks off all the boxes. Basically, when people say they check off all the boxes, basically he got a good job, he, you know, he owns, probably owns a home, and he tall, right. And they say he check off the boxes, right, he might smell good too. They say he check off the boxes, right, he might smell good too. And although she's dating this attractive, fine, well-to-do man, she was feeling like she got.
Speaker 1:
She had to walk on eggshells while talking to him because she would like ask questions and he would not be open to answering the questions. And it wasn't like something deep, like you know what's your childhood trauma? It was simply like, hey, like what was the highlight of your week? And he was just like, oh, we're trying to get too deep now in this conversation. Or she would, you know, ask him about. You know like what were? You know some of the goals he wanted to achieve? And he was just like, oh, you're too deep, we don't need to get too deep.
Speaker 1:
And because she was attracted to him when they would have conversations, like, she didn't really voice her opinion, she didn't really ask questions. She was just like, instead of honoring her desires, she was asking questions on like okay, so how do I have a conversation in a way? So basically wanting me to coach her on a conversation in a way. So basically wanting me to coach her on how to be a people pleaser, wanting me to coach her on how to self-abandon, and I'm like, no, we're not switching up your conversation, because your conversation is fine. What we're going to do is we're going to honor your desire and like I need, I need to know why is it so important for you to abandon yourself for this man? Is he that fine for you to abandon yourself? Like what is what is happening here? There is, there's some scarcity here where you feel like you can't talk about what you want to talk about because you don't think you can pull another man of his caliber that would have these types of conversations with you. So let's talk about this right of his caliber that would have these types of conversations with you. So let's talk about this right, and this man would just dismiss her topics and shift the conversation and she would just continue, right. So that's self-abandonment. That's not honoring your desires. She was an energetic match for him because she didn't honor her own desires. That man wasn't going to honor her desires Now.
Speaker 1:
And another woman that I coached. She told me that she really wanted to go on a date with the man that she matched with online. Again, he was attractive, he had his ducks in a row, he probably was tall too, I don't know. But when she expressed herself and she was like hey, you know, we've been talking on the phone for about two weeks now. I would love to go on a date, I would love for you to take me on a date. This man came back and said well, you know, I wanted to take my time to meet up for a date. I don't know how the hell two weeks is not enough time, especially if you meet on a dating app. And I asked her. I said okay. So what happened? And I asked her I said okay. So what happened? Instead of letting him know that my desire is to go on a date and I don't want to stay connected if you're not interested in actually dating. We met on a dating app.
Speaker 1:
She continued to have conversations with him as if this was cool with her right. She just continued to have a conversation, kind of like waiting in the background for things to change, and I was like, oh hell, no, absolutely not, especially like you. My client, like this is not what we're about to do, because she was left feeling voiceless and she was left feeling disregarded. I'm like this is not what we're going to do, because you are an energetic match to this. We have to clean up this pattern. We have to clean it up. And I expressed to her I'm like you have to communicate to him what you're available for and what you're not available for. And when she communicated what she was available for, like I'm available for this day or we're going to have to end the connection. Then he went to plan the date, like I'm available for this day or we're gonna have to end the connection. Did he want to plan the date?
Speaker 1:
Another queen that I coach she wanted to go on a date involving an activity like she really wanted, like an activity plan. But the man she was dating again had all his ducks in a row, all of these men, these women liked and he tried to play dumb, talking about he don't really know about an activity. He wasn't really sure about what an activity like. Like sir, you're grown Like, we're both real, at a real big age. You know what an activity means. Like, you are well-educated, you are well, um, you are well in your career. You understand this. Please are well in your career. You understand this. Please don't play with me. And instead of her literally spelling it out and like making it a non-negotiable, she ended up going for drinks. Okay, she ended up going for drinks and she went because she didn't mind.
Speaker 1:
Versus.
Speaker 1:
This is actually my desire and I am just. I'm not going for anything else. And this is very normal behavior for high achieving women of faith. Like extremely normal behavior. So if you're listening to this podcast, you're like Tor, please stop reading my life. Stop like. Stop making me feel exposed. It's so common girl, you are not alone. I need you to understand. This is an epidemic and it's not your fault. You are conditioned for this right.
Speaker 1:
You're conditioned to have a desire, but abandoning it to stay in contact with the men that you want, because, as high achieving women of faith, we play it big in our education. We play it big with our personal development, we play it big in our careers, but we act hella small in the face of an intractive, ambitious, just delicious man. And we do this because of the good girl conditioning, specifically the fear of disapproval in this particular context. So we worry about being seen as selfish, being seen as demanding, being seen as difficult if we prioritize our own needs. This is what we've been taught in mainstream religion. This is what we've been taught by our parents.
Speaker 1:
Our family dynamic Be nice, chelsea, right. Be a good girl, melissa, right. That's not nice. We've been taught to be agreeable. We've been taught to do things that don't feel right to us, like go kiss your uncle, jimmy, even though you didn't want to do that. We've been forced to do things and be in align with the culture in the family to please them.
Speaker 1:
But our expressions and our emotions and our desires were not given space. And if we even tried to give them space, we were criticized and judged. We were not accepted for our expressions. So we learn to suppress our desires, to avoid judgment, to avoid being the black sheep, to avoid being quote unquote kicked out of the tribe, the friend group, the family group. We have to blend in to survive, to blend in to survive, or we avoid having a man we really like walk away. We want it to avoid like we. We fear men's judgment so much that we just I, just I don't want this man to walk away. He All right.
Speaker 1:
So this is what I love helping my clients overcome this and I call this my desire and delight method on how I help them overcome and using this method, I help these women recognize patterns that triggered their fear of disapproval and gradually work them in small, manageable steps to gradually build their confidence to vocalize their desires. They're not used to expressing themselves in this way. It's a muscle that they have to build. It is literally like going into the gym, starting with the three pound weights, moving up to the five pound, moving up to the eight pound, the 12 pound, right. I remember when I started off with three pound weights. Now I'm, I am bench pressing the what, the 35 pound dumbbells now right. But that's what happens Like.
Speaker 1:
You have to go into it, like the gym, to clean up these patterns, recognizing what is triggering your stagnation and just having awareness around it and being very compassionate around the awareness, even if you choose to, like the women, choose to self abandoning in the moment, like we have awareness around it. It's not like on autopilot on why she's choosing it. It's like, okay, we are aware that this is what you're choosing, right, we have awareness around it and as long, okay, we are aware that this is what you're choosing, right, we have awareness around it and as long. Like, darkness cannot exist in the light, your dark patterns cannot exist in if the light keeps showing on it. So we work on the awareness, we work on triggering, we work on recognizing those patterns so we can alchemize them and clean them up so that they're not an energetic match over time.
Speaker 1:
And so for you, if you're listening to this podcast episode, I'm encouraging you to literally, when the trigger comes, when there is okay, I'm about to say, um, I don't mind doing this, or I'm about to give him another chance, or I am about to do something I'm not really excited about, even if you choose to do it. I just need you to pause and sit with yourself and ask, hey, like okay, why did you do that? Or like, what feelings are coming up when, when you just chose to do that? Or what feeling is coming up now that you're thinking about doing? I really want you to sit and have awareness, because your dark patterns cannot exist if the light is shown on it. It will only exist if you're on autopilot and it is repressed in your subconscious.
Speaker 1:
So not only do I help them do that, to gradually make manageable steps to build their confidence and vocalize their desires, I help them uncover their top dating desires and show them, using my voice approach to communicate them confidently so that men have a clear path to pleasing them. And then, once they uncover these top dating desires, I'll have them right on the call and I'm like you're going to communicate to him now, you're going to call him now, you're going to leave this message now, you're going to send this voice note now. We're not going to get off the call until you do it, because you're at that point. We're going to practice using the voice method to communicate and then see what his response is, and a lot of times these men actually respond while we're on the call together, so we're able to hash that through and figure out okay, what comes up for you. Okay, he's acting like he doesn't want to do this, so what do you want to do next? Oh well, he see he's excited about doing it for you See how easy and simple that was. And so, if you're listening to this episode, and especially if you're not a client, I want you to write out a list of 10 to 5 desires that you can think of on the top of your head.
Speaker 1:
What kind of dates do you want to go out on? Do you want to go on an activity date? And if you do want to go on activity dates, what kind of activities would you like to go on? What dates do you absolutely not want to go on? When you're having dates, what conversations do you absolutely not want to have anymore? Never again, maybe that's. I don't want to talk about my ex on first date, second dates or third dates anymore. I'm just not going to do it.
Speaker 1:
I do not want to have a man grab my ass on the first date anymore, like this is this is what I'm communicating. I do not want to go to a man's home within the first three dates anymore, like community, like what are the top 10, 15 desires that you can think of on the top of your head? Oh, I want to be able to go on a date within the first week of meeting men. I want to be able to have a phone call within 48 hours of matching, like what are the desires that you want to have? I, this is what I want to have. And then communicate them confidently so that men have a clear path to pleasing you, even thinking about like, hey, I would like fresh flowers. Like, as you, you know, get into dating and get to know these men, think about what lights you up and then write these desires down and see about getting them executed. Okay, I also help my clients to create healthy boundaries that prioritize and protect their desires so they can eliminate the men who don't respect them and make space for men who want to fulfill them.
Speaker 1:
So if you are completely unavailable about talking about your ex on the first date, then that needs to become a boundary. So when a man brings it up in conversation, you already have a line of communication to express to him and say hey, like on first days, I typically look to connect with the man that's in front of me in the present moment. We have plenty of time to talk about the past, but right now I want to get to know you and not focus on my ex. Right, communicating the boundary If a man does not want to go on a date in two weeks and you know you're not available for that, then you need to be able to communicate that boundary right. If a man does not want to answer your simple ass questions of like, what was the highlight of your day? The boundary is like look, if he's not willing to answer these types of questions, we are not in alignment. If that's a problem that he has, I don't care how fine he is, I don't care how financially stable he is, I do not care how great of a career he is, I don't care if he's saving the president, I do not care if he is six foot three. I'm just. I can't have these types of conversations with men who, like they, don't want to have the type of conversations I want to have. All right.
Speaker 1:
So think about if you're listening to this podcast you're not a client what are your most frustrated and disappointed and annoyed by? These are the places where you need to put a boundary on. If you are frustrated, if you are annoyed like even if a man sends you, like if a man is always asking you for a photo instead of getting mad, get a boundary. Instead of getting annoyed, get a boundary and say hey, like you know you got to subscribe to a higher package for that. We haven't even been on our first date. We'll go on our first date. I'll send you a nice picture and, even better than that, you can help me take a picture while we're on the date. It can be just for you and nobody else A boundary.
Speaker 1:
So when you learn to honor your desires, you will enjoy more satisfying dating experiences and you will attract quality men who fulfill your wants and needs. Because the more you honor your desires, the more you signal authenticity, confidence and alignment with values and the more you will attract men who appreciate you for who you are and what you desire. Because guess what, ma'am, you are an energetic match at this point. You honor your desires, so you are an energetic match for men who will honor them. Okay, all right Now, for whatever reason, if you want help doing this, especially if you really suffer from good girl syndrome, if you really find yourself struggling with the fear of criticism, of judgment, struggling with the fear of conflict, if you see yourself overthinking all the time and executing this stuff, I can help you in one-to-one coaching. Okay, I can work with you to create in a delicious dating life filled with quality men who want to please you. I will help you create a rotation of two to three emotionally intelligent, well-cultured, financially stable of men who also want to please you, so that you can choose your legacy partner in as early as a year. I can help you implement everything that we talked about in this podcast episode.
Speaker 1:
If you want to become a private client, please book a sales call. The link will be in the show notes for you. If you are unable to reach the show notes for whatever reason, you can easily book a sales call on my Instagram page, on my bio, and when you book your call, we will get on zoom and I will give you complete space to share what are your dating struggles, what has been frustrating for you, what have been your obstacles, and then, like what do you really want to experience? What are your desires? What do you want to experience in the next three months and the next six months? What would be on in order to clean that up, to clean the patterns up so that you can be an energetic match for what you truly desire, so that you can finally sow into what you actually want to reap.
Speaker 1:
So yeah, go ahead and book your call. Let's see it. Working together is the best next step for the both of us. And, of course, if you love this episode, go ahead and give it a review. Girl, write me a review. I love the reviews. Plus, it gives us a kick in the algorithm and continues to help us chart for other women to hear the episode and, of course, share with a friend. Anywho, that's enough for today. I'm excited about coming back next week. Bye.