“How come it’s the ones who engage in premarital sex that are getting married and yet we who have been sticking to our principles, trying to do things God’s way and praying for years are still waiting (and getting older by the day?)”
I’m always seeing variations of this question in online communities where women of faith reside.
What these women don’t realize is that beneath the surface of this question there is entitlement, false superiority and a misinterpretation of what it means to be celibate.
I hopped on the mic to rant about this question and to give some perspective on what the Bible really reveals to us when it comes to love, sex and marriage.
Here’s what you’ll discover:
The truth about why “good girls” who keep their legs closed aren’t getting married
How “Biblical Marriage” is highly overrated and why no woman truly wants it.
The danger of fantasizing the Bible and romanticizing marriage
Why women of faith need to stop waiting for their “Boaz”
What it looks like to choose to abstain from sex from a position of power
FEATURED ON THE SHOW
How you can work with me in my private mentorship program, Curved 2 Cuffed. You can find more information at curved2cuffed.com/details.
Be sure to get more dating gems by following me on Instagram at:
“How come it’s the ones who engage in premarital sex that are getting married and yet we who have been sticking to our principles, trying to do things God’s way and praying for years are still waiting (and getting older by the day?)”
I’m always seeing variations of this question in online communities where women of faith reside.
What these women don’t realize is that beneath the surface of this question there is entitlement, false superiority and a misinterpretation of what it means to be celibate.
I hopped on the mic to rant about this question and to give some perspective on what the Bible really reveals to us when it comes to love, sex and marriage.
Here’s what you’ll discover:
The truth about why “good girls” who keep their legs closed aren’t getting married
How “Biblical Marriage” is highly overrated and why no woman truly wants it.
The danger of fantasizing the Bible and romanticizing marriage
Why women of faith need to stop waiting for their “Boaz”
What it looks like to choose to abstain from sex from a position of power
FEATURED ON THE SHOW
How you can work with me in my private mentorship program, Curved 2 Cuffed. You can find more information at curved2cuffed.com/details.
Be sure to get more dating gems by following me on Instagram at:
Hello Queen, welcome back to the Date With Sense Podcast. Ooh, I got a good episode for you today, girl. But before we get started, I just want to give a huge shout out to Team Tora and a huge shout out to the DMB Cufflinks y'all. So about a week ago this, yeah, last weekend Team TOR went out to Washington DC and we had a ball. Oh my gosh. We sung songs at brunch, we took photo shoots all around town, we danced all night. After dinner we tapped into our inner stripper at pole dancing and, best of all, we hosted a rooftop meetup with the DMV cufflinks from the C2C private mentorship program, and it was such an incredible experience to finally meet my clients in person. Oh my gosh, they were so warm, energetic and generous Like I was so blessed by their hugs, their compliments. A few of them even bought me some very nice gifts. The notes were the best and I felt so honored and it was like the perfect experience and I'm really looking forward to doing something like this again in another city. So stay tuned, guys. But anyhow, let's go ahead and get into the episode.
Speaker 1:
Today I got another clubhouse clip for you, and y'all know, when no one comes to the stage to talk to me. I am prone to go on long rants about whatever particular topic, and today's rant was inspired by a Facebook post I saw on my private Facebook group where a queen was battling with seeing all these women she knew who were having sex and they were getting married while she was celibate and still single, and that post lit a fire in me to cover a bunch of things concerning this topic and why biblical marriage is highly overrated. It really is. So to get the overall rant, to get the overall rant, here's a clip Enjoy the Queen. She was like I'm interested in hearing from believers who feel that premarital sex is okay. Can y'all share how y'all have come to this conclusion? I feel like I'm battling between a rock and hard place seeing girlfriends who regularly have premarital sex get married while I'm still single, trying to do quote unquote what's right. This is frustrating me. Open to hearing, no judgment zone. Thank you and Elizabeth.
Speaker 1:
So I actually did a whole video that went viral a few years ago about this and it was was called like I believe it was like why celibacy is keeping you single, or something like that. Like I can't remember exactly what the video was called and it. I made the video because I saw, like I see so many posts like this, just worded differently, and I actually shared like a screenshot of somebody who posted it in like a celibacy group of like 25,000 women like being celibate, and then even the host of the group she was like a 40 something year old virgin, right, and it comes from a place Well, number one, it comes from a place of I'm not having sex. Where's my reward? You know, it's like because I am not, I'm keeping my legs closed. Therefore, why am I not getting married? Why am I not getting married? These other women are getting married and they're having sex. How come I'm trying to do the right thing? How come I'm not? How come I'm not? How come I am doing the right thing and I am not getting this reward?
Speaker 1:
These other women, these, they're not doing the right thing and I really need y'all to pay attention that marriage is not like something that God gives you because you're playing the good girl role. The same way, you don't get money and wealth because of it. Like he doesn't give you wealth and money because you keep your legs closed. Or, you know, he doesn't withhold rain and sunshine on people who don't keep their legs closed, like those are things that are separate from whatever your conviction is. So if you were thinking that you were supposed to be getting those things because you were celibate, then that's the wrong idea anyway. Like your celibacy isn't coming from the place you think it does, or absence, whatever you want to call it right. I'm not going to get into the semantics of it all, but that's what I will say. Your conviction should be your conviction and not because you think that you're going to get a reward, an external reward, for it.
Speaker 1:
If you're doing it because of that're, you're doing it for the wrong reasons and you need to understand, like, ask yourself like, why am I doing this? Am I doing this because I want to be seen as a good girl? Like this is tradition, because men are slinging ding-a-ling all throughout the pulpit and they're also getting married like, but no one questions that, right, no one questions. And they, no one questions and they. No one looks at that and say, oh, like all these men slinging dick in the church, out the church, wherever they're slinging dick, how are they getting married? Like no one, no one concerned about that, no one asked about that. They just assume he's a man who's going to get married. No one thinks that he's getting a reward. But but for some reason women think that the marriage is a reward For the man. It's like he's slaying, dangling, and then he put a ring on somebody's finger right, it makes complete sense. No one's confused by that right. So you having sex does not stop you from getting married. All you have to do is decide that you want to go into contract with another person. You want to go into contract with another person.
Speaker 1:
The issue is, even the mainstream religion has romanticized marriage in a way the Bible has never done. When we look at marriage in the Bible, there's nothing romantic about these marriages Nothing and a lot of y'all. If y'all had to be in these marriages, you probably would want to leave the faith right. Y'all wouldn't want to be a part of the marriage that Sarah and Abraham had, of Jacob and Leah, like you wouldn't want. You wouldn't even want to be Rachel. Y'all wouldn't even be want to be like Rachel up in here, have her sister marry first. Y'all we praise Esther. We wouldn't want to be Esther, having to clean ourself and get ready and posture ourselves so we can get picked. We wouldn't have been. We talk about. We wouldn't have been. We wouldn't have been her ass neither. Because my first husband died and then my second husband died right after marriage. We talk about finding my boaz. Both her husbands died before her boaz died pretty like very shortly after marriage.
Speaker 1:
You wouldn't want to have the ahab jezebel marriage. You wouldn't want to have the marriage to Solomon or David Micah did. Micah was like daddy Saul, give me David. I want David, even though he already has a couple wives. Like I want David, I want him. You wouldn't want to be Micah. You wouldn't want to be Abigail. You wouldn't want to be that. You wouldn't want to be Abigail. You wouldn't want to be that. You wouldn't want to be Tamar. Tamar husband died and now she had to go trick her, her brother-in-law, to have sex with her to keep the family going. She had to trick her brother-in-law to have sex with her to keep the family going. Y'all wouldn't want to have those marriages, would you? Would you want to be the, the whore that, uh, what's his name chose? What's his name, josea? Y'all wouldn't want to be that hope, that hoe that he chose. Okay, you wouldn't want to be it. Hell, you wouldn't want to be rebecca.
Speaker 1:
Imagine some man come meet you at a park somewhere and you hanging out at the water fountain. He was just like, let me take you somewhere to get to be somebody's wife. You would side out of hell, out of him. I saw you feeding the camels and you'd make a great wife. Come with me today, let me take you back. And then he takes her back.
Speaker 1:
Isaac's like let's go in the tent, baby, let's get it on. No ceremony. No, nothing, let's go in the tent, let me put a baby in you. Okay, there was no romance. There's here's my. Listen. We came and got you. Come to my tent, let's make it official. What? No bachelorette party? What no bridal shower? The hell. What no rehearsal dinner? What these wine and dine dates? And we just like re-romanticize.
Speaker 1:
I'm trying to figure out. What are y'all romanticizing? What? And if your husband thought he was cheating on him, all he had to do was go take you to drink a potion so that if you was lying, your womb would rot out. I didn't see no potion where his balls would burst, no, just my womb rotting out. That's it, that's all. Where's the potion where his balls bust? Not a one, not a one.
Speaker 1:
So I just need to know which story are you romanticizing? Is it Solomon and the wife of his youth? Because he had a thousand women. Which one would you want to romanticize? Right, I need to know man say he can't handle a thousand women. Listen, we know solomon couldn't either, I don't care how much. He probably didn't even slept with all the women. Maybe the first night deflowered her, right, she was a virgin and they kept moving. I could actually see a lot of them having sex with each other, because imagine losing your virginity and not being touched and then being taken care of by men with no dicks because they chopped them off their eunuchs, right? Imagine being taken care of by men with no dicks, no testosterone flowing. I can see a lot of those women having sex with each other.
Speaker 1:
Now, somebody been like Tori? Why would you say that? Because it makes sense. It makes sense. It's a thousand of y'all and it's one man and he's not going to allow you. He's not going to allow you to have sex with other men, right? I mean camille says what kind of bible study? I mean, I gotta say what I see, not what's being romanticized.
Speaker 1:
The same, the same way I talked about being easily impressed with men. We gotta stop being easily impressed with this religious stuff we've been taught, we hear somebody sprinkle on a little razzle dazzle. No, we don't need no razzle dazzle. This is what it is. You wanna be Hannah crying at the table while another woman is having all her husband babies and she can't give him nothing? Who do y'all wanna be in the Bible? I'm just trying to figure it out. Like which romantic story do you want?
Speaker 1:
I think the only one that y'all I think y'all would take was will be adam and eve, and he over there blaming his wife for the stuff that he did. So this is. I just talked about ruth. Ruth. Both of her, both of ruth's husbands, died. Her first husband died, which is why she was checking for bohaz, and then he died. He died too. Y'all want to be Ruth? I definitely don't want to be Ruth. I don't want to lose my first husband just to lose my next one right after, like no, the marriages. So I'm trying to figure so.
Speaker 1:
So, again going back to the celibacy posters we're still on the post, especially since ain't none of y'all raising your hand to come talk to me today, y'all must want me to run my mouth. Fave taught my adam didn't take radical responsibility facts. So we have this woman up talking about celibibacy and how other women are getting married and it's like you think that this is God's reward. We romanticize it and say, hey, yeah, when I get married, this is what's gonna happen, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, you need to get your fulfillment within instead of thinking that you finna get it from some marriage because that's a contract baby, it's not for you to feel safe, it's not the jackpot. Where you go in and you're like I have all these winnings, let me just spin them and ball out of control Like no so room.
Speaker 1:
I need you to know that even in scripture, there was no one going on abstinence and celibacy journeys. You don't hear of that, and you know why? Because the women were not in their late 20s and 30s getting married. They were not in their 40s getting married. They were getting married earlier off, earlier on, so they were not like holding off on sex because they were getting married. Things are different now. We're not getting married. Things are different now we're not getting married at an age and now, like we're having to go on these journeys Okay, we're having to go on these journeys that we're wondering like I'm in my 30.
Speaker 1:
Why am I in heat, because you're supposed to be your peak as a woman, like, literally starts around this time, right, you're having mind-blowing orgasms, your body is maturing in a way to like truly receive pleasure because, like, you're moving into a different stage and we're like, why am I so? That's? That's why, like, you were never meant not to be having sex at this age, was never meant for you to do that. Um, so that is why we have to like, understand, like, like, what's happening if we choose not to have sex again, it needs to come from a position of, at this time, you know, I want to connect with who I am and who other people are before I connect these genitals. Okay, so it's just, it's power behind it, versus, like I don't want to do this, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:
And I know, for me, like, having sex with somebody who's taking care of you, that's the wisdom that I'm getting. Like knowing that sex is going to be with somebody who's taking care, who has responsibility, who realizes that this isn't just somebody I'm sticking my penis in. This is somebody I want to see win. This is somebody that I'm going to provide, protect and build for her. Even if I'm not married to you, this is somebody that I am going to truly care for. It's important, but I'm going to leave that with y'all. I'm going to go get my lashes done and go to sleep on the table.
Speaker 1:
So, for those of y'all who are not having sex, blessings to you. I pray. More power and strength and wisdom on your journey of taking care of yourself during this time, making sure you get the oxytocin that you need, the dopamine you need during this time, so that you don't turn your sexuality off, like for those of you who are not having sex. And for those of you who are having sex, I want you to ride it like a rodeo hogtie. That's what I want y'all to do. Ride it like a rodeo, but that's what I want.
Speaker 1:
I want y'all to enjoy, whether you're choosing not to have sex and choosing to have sex. I want you to enjoy both sides of the coin. Both sides can be very, very enjoyable, especially if you are in touch with your sexuality. You can enjoy being sexually abstinent and having a really great time with your body, and then you can also do the same as if you was hopping on dicks. That's it, girl. That's the clip, and I really hope you left with something to think about when it comes to your beliefs and convictions about celibacy, premarital sex and biblical marriage. And if this episode resonated with your girl, go ahead. Leave a five star review as a love offering on the podcast, so that we can help get the word out to other queens. So all right, girl ta-ta, for now, bye.