Women of Faith are conditioned to believe that their value is found in marriage and being a wife.
Which is why single men feel comfortable shaming us for also being single.
It’s why we feel inadequate when we are pushing 30 or 40 and still don’t have “the ring”
And it’s also why we choose to stay in toxic, unhealthy marriages that don’t serve us, just to save face.
In 2021, I made the tough decision to leave my husband…despite the societal and religious pressure to stay and “make it work”.
Tune into this episode, to hear my personal journey of confronting my fears, reclaiming my personal identity and learning many transformative lessons along the way.
Interested in working with me 1:1. Book a sales call HERE to learn more about becoming a private client so that you can become in high-demand in the dating world…
…AND attract emotionally available and financially established men who desire serious commitment so that you can choose your life partner in as early as a year.
OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:
Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
Women of Faith are conditioned to believe that their value is found in marriage and being a wife.
Which is why single men feel comfortable shaming us for also being single.
It’s why we feel inadequate when we are pushing 30 or 40 and still don’t have “the ring”
And it’s also why we choose to stay in toxic, unhealthy marriages that don’t serve us, just to save face.
In 2021, I made the tough decision to leave my husband…despite the societal and religious pressure to stay and “make it work”.
Tune into this episode, to hear my personal journey of confronting my fears, reclaiming my personal identity and learning many transformative lessons along the way.
Interested in working with me 1:1. Book a sales call HERE to learn more about becoming a private client so that you can become in high-demand in the dating world…
…AND attract emotionally available and financially established men who desire serious commitment so that you can choose your life partner in as early as a year.
OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:
Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
Hello lover girl, welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. If you are new here, this is the place to be. If you are a high, achieving, unchurched woman of faith who really desires a delicious love life that is both purposeful and pleasurable and that serves you at the highest level, so that you are consistently having the dating experiences you desire and attracting the men that you really are excited about. So that you have options to choose from instead of settling from what's been handed to you or settling for being paid attention to True options. So that you can choose whatever romantic constellation you desire, whether it is a relationship commitment, whether it's engagement to marriage, whether it's just you being for the streets whatever you desire, girl. And speaking about marriage, I'm really excited about this episode because I've been wanting to talk about this for a really long time. All right, but I also wanted to be really responsible in how I talked about it. I mean, you see the title right Title says lessons learned at the leave of my husband. I really wanted to be responsible in how I talked about this, considering this topic, this circumstance. It just doesn't involve me. It involves others that I really love and care about, and that includes my husband, and especially since I know my husband still watches me on social media Hell, he might be listening to this episode I would not be surprised. Like I just really want to be responsible in how I talk and share this. So I'm really excited about it. But, again, trying to be very responsible Now, if you are a client of mine, right, and this depends on when you became a client of mine, this conversation is not a surprise, because you've been having this conversation with me, right, you are probably either fully aware that I am not with my husband in that way or you had at least heard me talk about my marriage or like how it needs to change for the marriage to continue working for me.
Speaker 1:So, if you're a client, depending on when you became a client, like you're really clear, working for me. So, if you're a client, depending on when you became a client, like you're really clear. So, for example, I remember there was a client cohort where me and him were going through like therapy on a regular basis, I think, like on a weekly basis, and so I kind of like share what was happening with that. What was what was going on there? So, if you were a client during that period of time, like you heard those stories and why we ended up in therapy and what was going on and what wasn't working for me and what wasn't working for me and what needed to change, you know.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, if you're not a client, like you just follow me on social media, you know. You just follow me from afar, especially if you've been following me since 2010, 2011, when I was like a single mom, making videos even about my dating life, before I was even married. Your jaw is probably on the ground drop and you're probably really shocked about all of this Makes sense. This isn't a secret, it just isn't public, and I've only shared this information with my clients Like these are people that I feel like I really only needed to share it with. If you were just on social media, you know, in the background, I didn't really feel like the need to publicize it, but I'm at the point where, well, there was other reasons too, Right, um, but that was a big reason, um, but now I'm like, I'm like, okay, I think, and I think I'm at the point where this, this needs to be publicly addressed. I want to talk about this, I want to be responsible, but also I I need to share my story.
Speaker 1:So, in sharing my story, I left my husband back in 2021 and it is now 2024. And I have decided that I am fully in completion with our relationship, in the capacity that it was in, and I have officially started the divorce process. And when I say I left my husband, I mean that I left the home we stayed in together and I left the marriage lifestyle that we were participating in for seven years. But I did not file for divorce. And I didn't file for divorce because I wanted to leave a window open in case there was a possibility that things could work out in the long run, especially since most of the couples that I know who have been married 20 plus years, 30 plus years, 40 plus years they have all experienced at least one separation during their marriage. Right, at least one threat of divorce happened in their marriage where they had where they lived apart, where they were separate, where they had like this time, where they were like on the brink of divorce. So I'm like, okay, I understand that I'm leaving this, but there is a window of opportunity for things to work, so we'll stay married for now.
Speaker 1:So basically and I did things a little bit different you know, most times, when women like separate from their husbands, either they don't leave the home, you know, for whatever reason. Maybe they have kids, or, you know, maybe they want to have this simp, like this look of like hey, we are, you know, married or whatever, and we don't want anyone to know that we're going through this, for whatever reason, or, like they, you know, they separate and the woman is like waiting on the man to kind of get it together and she's not really dating or exploring. I did things differently. Basically, I just put my husband back on the roster as if he was starting from scratch with me, right? And that if we were going to work as husband and wife, he would have to work his way back up through rotation right To earn his place in my life back. There was no okay, whenever you're, you know you get your life together. I'm going to just be put my life on hold and wait Like nah, there was none of that for me. I was going to continue to live my life and you would have to make like, you would have to make yourself known in that space and earn a place in my life, right? So that should clear up anything for anyone, in case they were like confused about you know the appearances of my husband, like he's made in clubhouse, in my clubhouse rooms during that time after you know that period, or even in my Instagram stories. If you've seen him in my Instagram stories after 2021, this should kind of clear things up or whatever.
Speaker 1:But this podcast isn't about why I left my husband, even though I'm I will touch on it quite a bit during this episode here and there. It's not about why I left. It's really about the important lessons that I learned after leaving that I know will truly help so many women of faith who are listening and who really need to hear this, because it helped me so much to learn these lessons. It really transformed my life and who I was as a woman to really learn and reinforce these lessons that I learned in my life. So a little backstory before I get into the lessons.
Speaker 1:I didn't plan to leave my husband, especially since we had just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. It was very sudden, it was very abrupt and it seemingly like it seemingly came out of nowhere, right, if someone was on the outside looking in, they were like what? Y'all were just lovey-dovey, hugging up. Y'all were just doing this. Y'all were just doing that, y'all just celebrate the anniversary. Listen, it literally was that abrupt. It came out of nowhere when I decided to leave. So, basically, I had a very intense moment of clarity, very intense moment, and I leaned into that moment. I followed that moment and I made the best decision I could for myself by leaving.
Speaker 1:When I had that intense moment of clarity, like oh no, like I gotta go, this is not working for me, this is not good, like I have to, like I need to ask myself we've done seven years, can I see myself doing seven more years of the same thing? And I'm like nah, and years later, I have no regrets at all. I have so much peace in my mind, in my body. I feel more connected to myself. I feel a lot more connected to God. I feel more grounded, more powerful as a woman. I have a lot of trust in myself, a lot of trust in my decisions. I have confronted patterns that have haunted me for years and I've been able to release a lot of fear that I've had around particular those particular patterns. I have reshaped my business in a way that it is aligned with me, it's aligned with my goals, it's aligned with my core values and I have rebuilt the best support system I ever had in my entire life.
Speaker 1:When I think about my support system right now, the men and women that are in it, I'm like I'm so blessed, like how could this even like happen? I mean, I created it, that's how and I've had the most delicious mind opening, mind blowing, soul touching and healing dating experiences that I have ever had in my life Okay, and we'll talk about some of that later and I've learned some of the most transformative lessons of my life. It was definitely the best decision I could have ever made in this circumstance. And if I didn't make the decision as fast and as abrupt as I did, I was like I made that decision very quickly. In the moment that I had that intense moment of clarity, I just knew that somehow I would have like I would have just talked myself out of it, right, I would have just you know cause we've had rough patches in the past. You know I've talked about that on those things on like Facebook live. I've talked about that with clients like you know rough patches that we've had. Or like when I went into my marriage and like completely lost myself. Like I talk about those things, but generally, I would kind of like, whenever I got to the place where I'm just like this is sus, I would like you know, talk myself out of it. Right?
Speaker 1:And so, without further ado, here are the most important lessons that I learned. The first lesson and these are in no particular order, okay, I'm just whatever's coming out first is going to come out first. But the first lesson on the list is I can do hard things while going through hard things. Now, this actually isn't a new lesson for me, but what makes it new is because now I see it from a brand new, different perspectives, because I ain't new to doing hard things while going through hard things.
Speaker 1:I'm the girl that was always in honor roll in school while being homeless, in homeless shelters with my parents and my sisters right, dealing with my mom's pedophile boyfriends, right, getting evicted from our homes, right. I was the girl that always managed to do sports and be on the honor roll in school while dealing with all of that right. I was the girl that always managed to do sports and be on the honor roll in school while dealing with all of that right, going through hard things, doing hard things. I was a girl who was breastfeeding my son at 16, 17 years old, while working and taking three AP courses in my senior year of high school and if you know anything about AP courses, right, those are not for the faint of heart, right and I did that while taking care of a brand new baby, breastfeeding him and working jobs right, several jobs and taking three AP courses my senior year, taking three AP courses my senior year, and y'all, I was the top four in my class. Again, doing hard things while going through hard things.
Speaker 1:I was the woman who got three bachelor's degrees in four years of college just four years, working two jobs and raising four kids in my one bedroom apartment. So, background around this I decided I wasn't going to freaking struggle since I had a baby, right, I wasn't going to struggle. Everyone thought that I was going to struggle and I said, nope, I'm going to get all the education I can get. And I took 15, 17 credit hours during the regular semester each year and I went to summer school every single year. I had 15 credit hours of summer school and I got a bachelor's in accounting, a bachelor's in marketing and about a bachelor's in finance in four years. I was the first person to do it in 20 years at my, at my university, and I was working two jobs doing it. I was working at Circus City during the day and Huddle House at night, and I was raising four kids. So I was raising my son and my three sisters in my one bedroom apartment because for some reason, my mom thought she could drop them off and then bounce and not tell me where she was, and she was gone. I don't know how long she was gone Long enough for me to file taxes the next year on their asses, though but yeah, I was raising four kids in my one bedroom apartment. I was able to do all of that.
Speaker 1:Hard things doing hard things. I mean, I got my first business strategy client while working at Wendy's, making minimum wage. Right, I had graduated with three degrees and still had to work at Wendy's because of the economy had plummeted, and I decided I was going to go back and forth you know, 45 minutes to Charlotte every single day, cause I was standing at a friend's house in Rock Hill, decided to do that, uh, and network and shake hands and go to all these networking meetings while I was working at Wendy's and put myself out there as an entrepreneur. Right, that was my first little dip into that right. So, going through hard things right, I was able to get my CPA license working with raising my sister, teaching her how to drive, putting her through high school college right, and working 50, 60 hours a week during tax season and raising them right. So, again, I'm not new to this. I'm true to this. What's brand new is that I did all those things to get out of survival mode. To get out of survival mode from college, from the degrees I got, from the jobs that I took on, like I did everything I did to get out of survival mode. So I'm like I have to do these things. I have to do this. I have to get out the hood, I have to make this money. I have to do these things.
Speaker 1:Before I made the decision to leave my husband, I thought I was in my marriage thriving. I thought I was in there thriving and I felt like leaving him would send me back into survival mode. I did not feel like in my marriage, I did not feel like I have to do this, like, even when I noticed certain things in my marriage was just like not a success. I was like, no, this is, this is good, right, this is good. So I felt like I was going back into survival mode because I didn't need to do that. I could just stay where I was and just suck it up right and just act like everything was okay, because that wouldn't have been as hard to do as the other things in my life.
Speaker 1:And when I decided I had this moment of clarity and I decided I was going to do it. So I had so many scary thoughts. I was thinking like, oh, what if my life is horrible and full of struggle without my husband? I was thinking I've been with him most of my adult life. Can I actually live the rest of my adult life without him? I was thinking, you know, will I still be able to help women in their love lives if my marriage doesn't work? Like, will I still be able to do that? Will I still be able to have a business? Or will I need to go get a job? Right, like, because he was the breadwinner taking care of everything, I had my little money to myself Right. Like because he was the breadwinner taking care of everything. I had my little money to myself Right, but now I would have to be responsible for paying my own way and paying my own bills, like, will my business survive this or will I need to get a job? I was thinking, if my marriage ends, what does that mean about me? Does that mean I'm a fraud? Does it mean that I, you know? Does it mean that I, you know? That doesn't mean that I failed. Like what's happening there? I thought to myself, like what's gonna happen with Vaughn? Like Vaughn has known this man since he was what? Seven years old, six, seven years old, I'm like what's gonna happen? Going to happen with Vaughn? What's he going to think? Will he be okay? And guess what?
Speaker 1:I did hard things while hard things happened to me. Number one I left my husband, which was a very hard thing, extremely hard thing. And I left my husband doing the hard thing and I redesigned a well-balanced life for myself. And I did this even though it was hard, because I struggled with my identity as a woman of faith. I struggled as my identity as a woman who was a wife. I struggled with leaving those identities of being a wife and then still being married Right, with leaving those identities of being a wife and then still being married right. That was hard Redesigning a well-balanced life while struggling with my identity.
Speaker 1:I rebuilt an amazing support system, even though I was dealing with the hard of grief because I lost some really good friends when I left my husband. We had a friend group that was connected through our marriage and you know people chose sides, people. You know it just wasn't, it wasn't, it was not what I wanted and I literally had to end up blocking some of them, especially when I started talking about that like religious shit that did not take an account of, like, my emotional well being, Like I'm like yo, like I can't even have you in my space. I love you to death. I love the friendship that we created over the years, but I cannot have you in my life at this point. I can't do it, I'm unavailable for it and that's hard when you love people and you and they were family to you, right, and I had to rebuild a support system, even though I had grief about the old one.
Speaker 1:I did the hard thing of keeping my business running. That was hard. Oh my gosh, that was so hard, one of the most difficult things in my life, even though I was dealing with the heart of my business like almost disintegrating Right. I remember my business account, my revenue going down to like negative, not revenue, but like the bank account, negative $200, negative $200. I had I don't care at what point in my life when I was making minimum wage as a 16 year old, I never had no damn negative account. I was in high school with hundreds of dollars in my account. I was loaning my mama money, right, I was loaning my family man. So to look at my business account and say it's all negative $200. I was just like what? And I kept my business going.
Speaker 1:In spite of that hard, I was able to keep my business afloat and doing all that hard stuff with my business, struggling and losing friends right, struggling with my identity. I kept showing up for my clients and getting them results. I got tons of clients with results. Clients got married during that time period. Clients built rotations. During that time period, clients went from no dates to wedding dates. In a year Clients went from no dates to having a rotation of men providing and protecting for them. Clients had men investing financially, mentally and emotionally. I did not stop serving my clients and they didn't stop getting results and they could not tell that the state of my marriage was affecting me. State of my marriage was affecting me Right. So, even when it was hard for me to show up for myself, I showed up for my clients and I got them results Right Still getting them results Right and I dated my ass off. I dated my ass off.
Speaker 1:I know people on here judging me like, oh, you dated, why? Hell? Yeah, I did. Okay, I sure did. And even though I just wanted to hide and shut myself off from people like I wanted to be a hermit, I wanted to hide and I'm like, no, that is not what you do during this time. Even though you may not be able to date the way you want to date, you have to just date the way that's in your capacity. You have to date in your capacity, right. Because again and I'm going to talk about this a little later about how dating is a non-negotiable for me and how it's so important to my life I dated my ass off right.
Speaker 1:I did so many hard things. While I was going through hard things, and I'm really proud of that I developed a brand new perspective for myself, because I went from what I felt like was thriving back to a place of survival mode, right In a way, and I still was able to do the hard thing right. I am so much capable now of doing so much harder right. I've been through so much, so now, like I have the capacity to do even more hard. And three years after leaving, I have a new respect for myself. I honor who I am as a woman in a way that I never did before. I trust myself more than I have ever trusted myself in my life and, best of all, I am now thriving.
Speaker 1:The second lesson that I learned is that failure is up to interpretation. So one of the biggest reasons why so many women of faith stay in relationships and marriages longer than they should is because they don't want to look like a failure or don't want to look like they failed. And this is not my. This is from empirical data, not just anecdotal right data, not just anecdotal right. I have anecdotal evidence for this because of my affiliation with my best friend and her being a marriage coach. That's actually how we got together and all of the people that she was doing marriage coaching with, or the people who was concerned about leaving their marriage. It was like, yeah, I don't want to look like a failure, I don't want to feel like I failed. And then there's empirical data on this as well. Like these women stood before God in the church, said their vows and became quote unquote one with their husbands before all of these witnesses. Like they spent a lot of time right Posting about their relationship, posting about their engagement, posting about how much they love their husbands on social media and then, when they get to the point where they realize that this marriage ain't it, they disassociate and they keep themselves in a cycle just to save face, just so people can say, oh, they're still together or oh, she's a married woman.
Speaker 1:Especially considering marriage is actually seen as a form of protection for women. I know, I don't know if you guys ever listened to Priscilla the queen maker. I don't. Um, I don't agree with everything that she says, but she'd be spot on on a lot of stuff, right? Um, I think she has more of a pessimistic view than I do when it comes to men in relationships, but she'd be spot on. And what she said is she was just like a lot of women married. They stay in marriages because marriage is a form of protection. Marriage is seen as a status. So when men find out that you are married, it's like there's a place where they don't bully you or pick on you. It's like this place that they're like oh, she's one of the good ones, she's married, she's one of the valuable ones because she's married. And if we can all sit here and think about this, it's true, right, a lot of women do use marriage as bragging rights, which is why I never did.
Speaker 1:I never did Even going into my marriage. It was never something I ever wanted to brag about, which is why I never centered my platform around my husband, even when I started it back in 2018. He would be featured on certain things like maybe show up on a live or something like that but I never centered him around that because I never wanted my marriage to be the thing that people focused on. I wanted my craft, my work, my receipts to speak for themselves, and I remember telling my husband I didn't want him to buy me a wedding ring. He bought me one anyway and I never wore it, and the only time I wore it was when I did videos, because I knew if I did not wear my ring on those videos, people would drag the shit out of me. People would be like, oh, you can't listen to her Cause she was single, even though I was happy and enjoying my marriage. Right, I was married and even, um, you know, now people want, like men want to know that I'm married when I talk about this, because then I'm in a safe zone. Oh yeah, well, I guess they can't drag me for that, but they can drag me if they know I'm single. So it's a, it's a form of protection. I'm not going to lie, I would also wear my ring to doctor's offices when I had Vaughn, because if I didn't, they would treat me like a single mother. They would treat me like a broke single mom if I didn't have my ring on.
Speaker 1:I noticed that people treated me better and even when, like me and my husband, like we really built an amazing, like we built an amazing life together, like even in our own, like with our businesses and the things that we had created people, our marriage opened up a lot of doors for us. Us being married created connections and even built our businesses right so that we were able to retire from our jobs. Our marriage people knowing that we were married, marriage people knowing that we were married, like. So, again, there's a lot of quote, unquote clout that people create because a person is married and so I will wear my rings, just so people can treat me better, right. And so women, like we realize that, like there's a lot of social proof, so we don't leave them.
Speaker 1:And so one of the scary thoughts that came up in my head is like hell, I'm a love coach now. What if people drag me? What if people take me out and burn me at the stake? Right, like, what if they call me a fraud? I was really concerned about that and I was really thinking those thoughts. But the truth is a lesson that I've learned after leaving my husband is what people think about me does not matter. It actually does not matter. I don't see my marriage not working as a failure. I don't see my marriage as a failure Like the marriage that I went into and I'll go into that a little bit later. I see my marriage as a stepping stone to the next version of myself, right. What I mean is, when I went into my marriage, it was exactly what I needed for that period of time in my life.
Speaker 1:My clients know I always talk to them about men being the mirrors of whatever's happening inside of you, right? Whatever insecurity is within you, whatever, whatever patterns exist in you, you are always going to attract a man on a similar frequency as you you are, you are going to want to entertain. I don't care who you are, I don't care if you think that, oh, this man, he, all of a sudden, sudden he became. He showed me this version of him and now his true colors. I don't care. You subconsciously attracted your match and you went into fantasy at the beginning, right, but you don't like how your match looks later on. But if you have chosen to do a relationship with somebody, you are doing a relationship with your match, your frequency, whoever that person is, and they and they will show you yourself. They will show you yourself whether it's negative or positive. They will show you yourself in marriage. Just, a lot of people just don't want to see it, okay, and so that's why I help my clients clean up their patterns so that they can attract men with clean patterns, right, with positive patterns. So, for example, if a pattern of yours is you, if you lack the ability to validate yourself and I'm going to talk about this a little bit later on you are going to attract men. The ability to validate yourself, and I'm going to talk about this a little bit later on. No-transcript, as if you need more validation because that's your match. That is your match. He's going to remind you of where you actually are, okay.
Speaker 1:So my marriage was exactly what I needed for who I was. It was the perfect marriage for the 2014 version of Torah. It aligned with my values and it met my standards at the time that I married him Okay my standards at the time that I married him Okay. And it also showed me my negative, unconscious patterns that were hiding behind my religious beliefs. I want to talk about that, too. It exposed all of the good girl conditioning that taught me to play small, to self-abandon myself and to trust my husband over myself, to trust him over my own self when it came to making decisions right when it came to having opinions and thoughts. So, basically, my marriage was my teacher and I became a student. And when my marriage revealed everything it needed to reveal to me, when it exposed everything it needed to expose for me, for me to wake up and become conscious of the next version of myself, I knew it was time for me to take the next step. Okay, scared, I knew I needed to take the next step. It didn't matter, and I don't see my marriage as a failure. I did marry my life partner because that is who I built a life with during that period of time. Okay, we did life together for a period of time it's not infinite life but for that period of time we did a lot of great things together. We made a lot of great moves together and I don't take any of it back.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't have my business if I didn't have my marriage. Okay, if you're a client of mine, you would not be working with me right now If I did not have my marriage. Right, you would not probably, you probably wouldn't know me in this space if it wasn't for my marriage. And that's why I'm not taking down my wedding video. It's going to stay up. I'm not taking down my wedding photos. I'm not taking down my wedding video. It's going to stay up. I'm not taking down my wedding photos. I'm not taking down my engagement photos. I'm not taking down anything that I have of him, because there's not one part of me that wish did never happen. There's not one part of me that wish. I know, like you'll see a lot of women when they break up with somebody or they leave a marriage, when they break up with somebody or they leave a marriage, they'll delete traces of them from their social media. I don't regret any of it. I don't. There's not one part of me that wish it never happened. It is the same way.
Speaker 1:I don't take down my old YouTube videos, right Y'all? Some of y'all have been following me since 2010 and you've seen my evolution, right? Some of y'all think I've always been this Torah, but those of y'all who have been following me from 2010, you know, this Torah is brand new and this Torah has shed her skin every year since 2010. This Torah has gotten a little bit different every single year since 2010. So you gradually watched me do this process, right? You've gradually watched me since before I was married to when I got married, and you watched me leave my marriage. Okay, you've watched all of it.
Speaker 1:So in my old YouTube videos, I will be talking about stuff that I don't even agree with now. Some of that stuff, I'm like Tori now you don't even agree with that right now. Like, why did you say that? Right? I know why I said it because that's who I was at that time. It's exactly who I was, and I'm not taking those videos down. They're going to stay up because they are documentation of my journey and nothing about it I'm ashamed of. I'm not ashamed about it. I'm not afraid for people to see that Okay, and and also like this is a lesson that has helped me show up in my business, because there have been many things that happened in my business that would have been like considered a failure to so many people, especially that negative $200 in that business bank account.
Speaker 1:They would have quit for like for sure, quit because of all. Like y'all don't know how much quote unquote phase I've had in my business, especially when I left my husband. It's been insane I've had in my business, especially when I love my husband. It's been insane. But instead of failure, like I saw the places where I wasn't getting the results that I desired in my business as an invitation to learn and become the new version of the CEO I need to be, and I'm just really proud of where I am in my life and in my business right now. So definitely I do not see my marriage as a failure. So the third lesson that I learned after leaving my husband is that I am the S-U-N, I am the son, I am the most important person in my life. I am the S-U-N, meaning that I am self-committed as I am unapologetically me you. I nourish my needs first and I'm the most important person in my life.
Speaker 1:The world conditions women of faith to be caregivers that sacrifice our own well-being to make sure everyone else is happy, to make sure everyone else is okay. Like we literally go out of our way to go hard and show up for other people and we do not go as hard for our own needs, for our own wants. We are that strong friends that nobody checks up on. Okay, and that's because we wanted to make it other people's responsibility to make us feel important when it's our own responsibility to make ourselves feel important, to be important. It is my job to make sure that I'm important, to make sure I feel important, but religion also can like. So the world conditions women of faith to be caregivers and religion also conditions us to do the same thing. Like we are conditioned to put our husbands before ourselves, to put our kids before ourselves, right.
Speaker 1:For example, I know a married woman of faith right now. She got six kids and she, you know she didn't even want all those kids, but her husband did. She's the breadwinner of her family, she pays all the bills, right. Her husband stays at home with the kids and he watches them, but he don't cook or clean. She does it. So not only does she go to a job and she works and she pays all the bills, but she still comes home to cook and clean because he won't do it.
Speaker 1:And she posts her husband, her marriage, on social media. I just watch it as if they have the most perfect marriage. It's amazing, and I'll be in the background like, why are we doing this? Like we have a choice? Right, we can stay in a marriage that doesn't work for us. Right, we can stay in a marriage that doesn't work for us. But, damn, to go the extra mile to prove to everybody that is good, oh hell, no. Like absolutely not.
Speaker 1:That's one of the that's one of the things that I never wanted to do in my life is to act like. I remember back in 2000 and when we first got married 2014, 15, I will post about when we got in fights and I would say, hey, I would let people know that I don't post when, I don't post about my husband when we going through it. Like I don't, I don't try to act like we got it together. And then I eventually got to the point where I'm just like, um, I want to make sure I'm responsible in how I talk about my husband. I'm a. I want to be responsible in how I talk about my husband. I want to be responsible in how I present this, and so I'm not going to sit here and post about our marriage in a way so people can think that this is fantasy, because it ain't, it's not. It's not that way.
Speaker 1:And I told him I was like, sir, I think it was about 2018. I'm blocking you from all of my social media. I blocked him from all of my social media and the only reason why he got in the clubhouse was because he did me a favor. He, the one that got me popping on a clubhouse. He was. He put me on, he told everybody about me, he promoted my rooms, right, like, and I was all right, I'm gonna let you come to my clubhouse room. But then I obviously blocked his ass from that too, right, because people were coming into the rooms and he would like come in and compliment me and, like, speak all amazing about me. And women were swooning like, oh my gosh, I love the way he loves you, tora, oh my God. And they were joining my program because of my marriage. I was like hell. No, I blocked him from that room Because, people, because I'm like, no, like you're not joining my program because of my marriage, you're joining my program because I can help you get results.
Speaker 1:But, anywho, I also know a married woman right now, married woman of faith, that I've known for many years. She's been married to her husband for over 25 years and he's been a provider, right, she's never had to really work in her life at all, um, and he has their whole marriage, has all these business ideas A lot of them have been failed business ideas that he has been working on all these years and he has, um made sure that she was in a position to support those ideas that he would create. He's like, hey, you don't got to work, you got the kids, you ain't got to work, you can just do stuff. And what my business ideas? You need to help my vision come to life. And she's had her own ideas, her own business ideas. She's really wanted to pursue her own thing.
Speaker 1:And I remember being in her home one day and I was talking about my business, right, I remember being in her home and me and my husband was together at the time and I was at her home and she was sneaking to show me her laptop and her business ideas. Like sneaking grown ass woman in her forties, almost fifties, sneaking to show me her laptop. And then when he came downstairs she like shut the laptop down, like oh, he don't want me working on this. I'm like what A grown woman again. Like this. You know you got to heed your husband and be submissive and take care of his needs and his vision. Like yo, shit ain't important. Hold on, let me not get activated, because this is not about these ones. Like I get activated for other women who I see are stuck or who choose to be stuck. Like I get very activated around it because I'm like I want better for you. But you know you can't wait. What more for other people, right?
Speaker 1:I know a married woman right now who is a woman of faith and she has two small children and her husband is cheating and has admitted to her that he is not in love with her and he basically wants to, you know, keep his family. He wants to have her further his mission, but she can't ever leave the marriage. Well, I'm saying in her brain she doesn't think she can leave the marriage because she doesn't have any money or any skills. She was conditioned to be a woman of faith, to focus on God, to be a virgin right, she was a virgin when she got married to and her focus was like to marry a godly man right, so they focused on marrying a man who was labeled a Christian, not looking at his value systems, not checking out his patterns. He was just a man in the church right, he came to church every week and they married her off to him, right, so she did all the right things and everything's wrong and all she can do is like pretend, like, act like they're a big, happy family on social media and they're just not okay.
Speaker 1:I know another older couple who have been married over 50 plus years. People like, oh my gosh, what happened to the days when, when grandma and granddad were never 50 plus years? Listen, when these people found out that me and my husband were getting separated, right, because you know they were friends of ours and I mean, I wouldn't say friends, but they were very close acquaintances I'd say that they were not a part of our support system, let's just say that. And they were, like you know, trying to encourage us, like, hey, y'all really need to work it out because it will be glorifying to God and if you get past the rough patch, you're going to have a beautiful marriage like ours. Right, and one time the wife of the 50-year marriage, right.
Speaker 1:She called my phone and she told me all the things that her and her husband went through to get to the point that they are now, and I was appalled at what I heard, like utterly appalled. I'm listening to her. She said she was like yeah, we went through this and this happened and he did this and I didn't. The cops were called and that was happening and he stopped like I was just like my mouth open at these two older, these two elderly people, right, and I'm like now, here's the thing. I love how this couple love each other, Don't get me wrong and I love the fact that they have been married for 50 plus years, don't get me wrong. But ain't no way in hell I wanted to go through what they went through to have their happy ending. I like there is no way. So when people like what happened to the, to the 50 plus years of like, people like me don't want to do it, want to do it and I truly believe that a lot of marriages we see lasting 30, 40, 50 plus years are lasting because women have a high tolerance for pain and bullshit.
Speaker 1:I truly believe that's why they're lasting, right. That's why these old ass married men be coming to the pulpit in church testifying about what all he done, put his wife through, and she remained a good woman for me and I had to get it together, right? He talks about how she was a good woman before he got it all together and then he decided, you know, one day he woke up and the Lord came into his heart, pricked his heart, and then he decided he was going to love her properly. And my thing is why a woman got to wait until you start balding, until you start having heart trouble, until your dick stop working, right for you to figure out it's time to be a good husband, Like why? Why does that have to happen? And so, yeah, that's the reason why women have a high tolerance for pain and bullshit, because if the pain and bullshit was inflicted the other way around, these weddings would dissolve extremely fast. Okay, extremely fast. Anywho, back to me being the son, right? The most important person in my. I'm the most important person in my life I am.
Speaker 1:When I left my husband, I left everything behind. I left him. I left my big 3,700, what is it? 3,700 foot square foot, home in my nice neighborhood. I left my clothes, like I left everything. I left my furniture, I left almost everything I owned. I left my son, not because I wanted to leave those things and my son. It was because my priority was me. My priority was my mental health, my priority were my emotional needs. Okay, that was my priority. And many people may look at me and say you know, you selfish, torah, for leaving my husband because I made vows. Right, I said the vows, I said the things that the preacher told me to say at the wedding, and it's not what a woman of God would do and should do. And so be it. If you're listening to this podcast and that's what you think about what I did, so be it. If you are my husband listening to this podcast and that's what you think, sir, so be it. You know, just don't send me no text message about it.
Speaker 1:At the time taking my son selfish in that I abandoned my child, and I call it self-care and I call it being self-committed to myself, because I can't ever properly love anyone. I can't properly love my child if I can't properly love myself and meet my needs first. I have to attend myself first. Serving people from an empty cup does not serve anyone. All it does is deplete you and prevent you from being the parent that your children deserve. Okay, and taking care of myself allowed me to become like to be able to be emotionally present and capable of providing the love and support my child actually needed. Right, it was about ensuring that I'm in a healthy place so that I can give the best to my child in the long run, and that's what I did. Whenever I got myself to a stable place physically, mentally and emotionally I sent for him. Right, I'm like hey, I got you, I got you your own room, I got you this. You can come over whenever you'd like. You can move in whenever you'd like. Okay, now and then, the crazy thing about this is like this people are like how did you do that?
Speaker 1:This wasn't the first time that I left Juan. I remember leaving him with his father. I think he was like three years old, three or four, he might've been four. I left him with his father for six months when I wanted to create a better life, like better opportunities for myself. When I left, when I graduated college right, because you know, I graduated with those three degrees but no one was still hiring me, like no one was hiring me because the economy was really bad back then, 2009, 2008. And I left him with his father and I went out and I came back to get him when I had the shelter, when I had the job, when I had the money to fully show up for Vaughn, to fully show up for my son, I was able to provide a better life because I provided a better life for myself first. I wasn't going to be able to have him and still go to those networking meetings late at night, like that went into late at night. I wasn't going to be able to meet up know, meet up with on lunch dates with prospective employers or people I wanted to network with. Like I wasn't gonna be able to do the things that I needed to do and I didn't have a home. I was like staying with people If I didn't provide a better life for myself. So I had to show up.
Speaker 1:Me being the son, the S-U-N. The most important person in my life, means that I always walk away from things that don't serve or support me as long as I'm being the sun. It means that I never sacrifice my own peace just so somebody else can have some. I'm not doing it. It means, as long as I'm the sun, that I create a life that pours love into me, so that I can abundantly give love without ever burning out, without ever needing to hold back, without ever thinking I'm about to be taken advantage of. Even if people think that I'm selfish, even if people think that I'm wrong, that I'm wrong, I'm still the son.
Speaker 1:The next lesson that I learned is always trust the pattern. Always trust the pattern when you get married. You don't just marry a person and people say, oh, you don't marry just the person, you marry their family too. You marry the community, and that's true, but you just don't marry them either. You also marry their patterns. You marry their patterns, and patterns are our recurring ways that we think and behave in different situations, and we all have positive patterns and we have negative patterns.
Speaker 1:For example, a positive pattern that somebody may have is that their pattern is anytime they start to gain weight, they notice it, and their pattern doesn't allow them to gain too much weight. Right, their pattern is like, okay, I'm going to make. I see that I'm gaining weight here. Subconsciously. That means that, all right, I need to go back to eating the way that I need to eat. Go back to you know, eating the way that I need to eat, and instead of it being hard work to do that, you shift in that People who don't have that pattern gain weight easily. Like I'm a person who gain, I gain weight easily, right? Um?
Speaker 1:A negative pattern might look like um, indulging in emotional eating when you feel stress. Right, indulging in emotional eating when you feel stress. Or another negative pattern might be procrastinating or waiting the very last minute to get a task done, even though you know it will cause you extra stress. Right, it's not that you don't, it's not that you like waiting to the last minute. It's because it's a pattern. It's deeply ingrained in your brain and your behavior to do it. It's not that you like to emotionally eat. You probably want to stop, but it's ingrained, it's a pattern. It's a pattern that's within you, right, it's a pattern that's within you, right, it's a pattern that's within you.
Speaker 1:Um, one pattern that I had in my marriage. It was a negative pattern. It was seeking validation and the subconscious patterns that I had in my marriage were a perfect match for my husband's patterns. It was an unhealthy match, but it was a match right. Remember I told you that the men that you attract in your marriage, whoever you end up in a relationship, they're mirrors of actually who you are right? And so we had a codependent relationship where each of our patterns fed off of each other. Both of us were unintentionally reinforcing each other's negative behaviors over the years and we hadn't realized it Right.
Speaker 1:And it's so funny because before we got married we were so arrogant about all of this. We would laugh with each other about how we were not going to have any big marriage issues because we had Jesus and we had the word of God. We're like we ain't going to have them people problems because we got Jesus, we got God. Like we had the word of God. We're like we ain't going to have them people problems Cause we got Jesus, we got God Like we know the word. Like we, I was so arrogant. I literally had no idea at the time. I wouldn't say no idea.
Speaker 1:I had a limited idea that God's words was not just confined to the pages of the Bible. Right, I did not realize that God's words were not just confined to the pages of the King James Bible, the New King James Bible, right? The Bishop's Bible, the Geneva Bible, right, whatever Bible, that the word of God was much more dynamic and more expansive than that, than being confined to some pages, and we needed to have a conscious eye that could spot it and a conscious ear to hear it. All right, and I, like, during my marriage, I started developing conscious eyes and ears. So whenever I would experience something in my marriage and I'm like I want to clean this up and I realized that the only person that I could clean up is myself, that's what I started working on. Right, I had started doing a lot of personal development in my marriage, a lot of. I hired coaches, I read books, I took courses, right, I became friends with people who had higher level consciousness than me and I started developing more conscious eyes and ears. That was spotting God's word in all of these places and not just the Bible God's truth, god's love, god's consciousness, right, in all of these places that I'm like, hey, religious people Like we're like we're not seeing this part of God because we think it's only in the Bible. We're not really experiencing this part. This is why we're suffering, because we're not seeing that this is also God over here and over here and over here and over here. We need all of it. And it led me to having so much more awareness around what was actually happening in my life, the truth of what was actually happening in my marriage.
Speaker 1:And when I became conscious of all of this, I put my attention on my own negative patterns. I saw them right. I remember joining Brooke Castillo's Life Coach School because I was listening to her podcast in 2018. And she was just like there's nothing you can do to change your husband. You absolutely have to be the one to change yourself. Like you could only work on yourself and you should be in a marriage where you can fully accept your husband. I'm like, oh, I'm going to fully accept him, I'm going to change me and I'm going to fully accept him, right.
Speaker 1:And so I worked on a lot of that, a lot of personal development, and it put attention on my own negative patterns and I started to clean them up and I started to having this real, true acceptance for who he is. And I'm like, if he never changes, could I still be here? And I'm like, yeah, I actually could. I was like, could I still be here? And I'm like, yeah, I actually could. I was like, okay, well, we're going to keep doing this. Right, and we did, and I did it for years. And then my pattern, like my pattern for validation and lack of boundaries Right, I had those patterns too.
Speaker 1:And but when I started becoming more conscious of what was happening, more conscious of my self-abandonment, more conscious of how his patterns were reinforcing my negative ones, and I could no longer tolerate his patterns in the marriage, I decided, I realized that my marriage lasted as long as it did because I was doing an amazing job at repeating my patterns and reinforcing my husband's patterns by accommodating them or enabling them. Right, I was enjoying those patterns for whatever reason. Right, and if you ever read the book Existential King, it would like show you like how a lot of the cycles that we find ourselves in we act like we don't want it. But truth, like our subconscious loves it, it gets a kick out of it. We're turned on by it and we don't know that we are because it's happening subconsciously.
Speaker 1:I trusted his apologies instead of trusting his patterns. I trusted religious teachings on a woman's role in a marriage and reconciliation in a marriage. Instead of trusting his patterns I trusted people's opinions from the church on our marriage instead of trusting his patterns, trusting my patterns, trusting both of our patterns, and what I have learned is that unless someone is doing the real time, daily work to uncover their shadows, to unearth the repressed parts of themselves that they try to hide from everybody else, that they act like don't exist, and to transmute and alchemize their conditioned behavior, they will always be a slave to their patterns. Always that's what I learned. Even if they apologize, they will always be a slave to their patterns. Always that's what I learned. Even if they apologize, they will always be a slave to their patterns. Even if, deep down in their soul, they have a strong desire to change, they boohoo cry, snot coming out of their nose. They cannot change because they have not worked on their patterns, they have not cleaned them up, and so, when I left, I left the door open for us to reconcile Right and the reconciliation, though, would only happen if he cleaned his patterns, if he worked to clean his patterns, if I saw that that was happening.
Speaker 1:So whenever we like made attempts to, you know, talk about getting back together in that way or negotiating the terms of our marriage and what we expected from one another or, you know, we would even go to therapy the deal breaker pattern would always end up showing up, it would always rear its ugly head. Now I am being very careful with my words here, because our patterns are not actually us, it's not like the truest version of us, it's our inner child, it's our past trauma that we are unconscious to. And so, instead of placing, instead of like, labeling people and people are like oh, a narcissist. And people are like, oh, he's this and he's a horrible jerk in a person Like, I don't look at it like that, I look at it like this is just his pattern, right, and he's unconscious to the pattern. I have a lot of empathy for him as a human, but this pattern I do not. I do not like this pattern. This pattern is destructive. Again, even with me.
Speaker 1:I am not my own patterns. My patterns come when I am unconscious, right, and so that pattern, his pattern, will always just show up like a little gremlin. I'm like what the hell? Like you still here? I can't do it If you still gremlin, if you're still here, I can't be a part of this. The deal breaker pattern just kept showing up. It didn't matter, you know, whatever representative shown that pattern just could not help itself, right, because the work wasn't being done on it. And so this year I decided that I'm like no, that pattern has not been worked on. I left in 2021. It's 2024. The pattern is still here. It is going to remain here. I am trusting the pattern. The pattern is still in place.
Speaker 1:So now I have learned, with all the work that I've done, that I always trust the patterns in people, not just my husband, but, like when I look at my son's patterns, I trust that pattern, right, and I even teach my son, like when he's talking to women son, trust that pattern in her. Like I see she's saying she's sorry, but you need to trust the pattern because this is not something that she's conscious of. Therefore, she can't do the work on it. Something that she's conscious of, therefore, she can't do the work on something that she's not conscious of. So, trust her pattern. Don't trust the apologies from people. Trust their patterns. Don't trust their religious declarations. I'm a Christian, I'm a Muslim, I'm a Seventh-day Adventist, I'm a Jehovah's Witness. Right, I'm a Buddhist. I don't trust the religious declarations. That doesn't mean anything to me. I trust your patterns. Right, that's when people say, tara, I want a good Christian man. I'm like girls, you need my help. So bad because you think a label means something. You need to look at this man's patterns. Patterns are what's most important here, not what they say to themselves, not them going to church every week, not them telling you they pray. I don't give a damn if you pray.
Speaker 1:My dad, my daddy, prayed with us every day. He prayed with himself every day. He fasted every Tuesday no food, no water. He gave all of his money to the church. He tithed, but he had patterns that caused a baby to be born out of wedlock in my in his marriage. He had patterns that caused my mom to suffer greatly. Right, she wasn't perfect, right, but Lord, his patterns really diminished who she was Like. He was very condescending to her. His patterns that came up was emotionally abusive. His patterns, right. Not his religious affiliation. People would look at him like your daddy's. So nice. My daddy was a minister, right, his patterns kept us evicted in homeless shelters. Right, those patterns.
Speaker 1:Don't trust words, trust the patterns. So me, torah, I always trust the pattern. Ok, what you say out of your mouth, I am trusting your pattern. That is a big lesson that I've learned. Oh, I'm drinking water or something I'm talking for a while now. This next lesson dating skills are life skills. That is a lesson that I have incredibly reinforced.
Speaker 1:Right, most women of faith are really hesitant to leave marriages that don't serve them because of two major things. One quote unquote is not what God fearing women are supposed to do, right, you're just not supposed to leave your marriage because if you do, you know you failed, like you was not being a good woman of God, right, it wasn't being a good help me, you didn't do enough to keep them, or two, even if they don't feel the guilt that comes along with not being a good girl who keeps her vows, no matter what. They fear being alone. A lot of us fear being alone and we can't really see ourselves in the modern dating world because we are conditioned to not have damn dating skills. Right, we were bought up in the church, we were told to wait on my husband and that didn't work out. And no, we ain't got no dating skills.
Speaker 1:But not I, not I, I'm a dating coach. When I left my husband, I dated my ass off, I dated my face off, and my dating skills are what? Like? It helped me tremendously when it came to me living a full, balanced life after leaving my husband. Because I use the dating skills that I teach my clients to get them the results that they get, like the dating skills that I learned. Like I use those dating skills, those same dating skills, and I created a delicious dating life while being separated from my husband. Right, I wasn't one of those women that like, oh, I need to wait until I'm, you know, divorced. It was like, no, my husband is on the rotation. He's in the rotation, right, he needs to figure out, you know, how can he get to the top of the rotation. He needs to figure out how to become a front runner. Again, right, he needs to figure that out because I'm adding people to my rotation, all right.
Speaker 1:And a lot of men do not change because they know that they can woo their wives back. They know their wives don't got no dating skills. They know their wives don't know what they doing out in modern dating. They know their wives are not going to have men like that. So, therefore, they don't change. They're not forced to change, they're not inspired to change. Because why do I need to change Girl, you ain't going to get nobody else. I can get somebody, but you're not going to be able to get nobody else, right, cause these men know how to do it and so they don't. They don't change. I'm like, look, I'm not finna, sit here while you try to figure things out.
Speaker 1:And I attracted quality men who just added so much value to my life. Man, when I say dating skills are life skills, you need to get you some. I attracted quality men who, man, they help alchemize my patterns. So I'm able to look at men like these quality men and see myself and look at, like, all of the areas I needed to clean up, especially if they were really good quality men. And there was something inside of me that was, like, you know, kind of bucking up about it. Like, okay, this is a pattern you need to clean up, because you need to ask yourself why do you have a problem here? This man is amazing. Like what's going on there? Like let's clean that pattern up. Right, they helped to heal my inner child. Like dating, quality men will help heal your inner child.
Speaker 1:And so, growing up, you know I had a lot of responsibility in my life. I didn't really have a. I spent a lot of time acting like a grownup because I had to take care of my younger sisters. My parents were at work, I was in charge of the home, so I had a lot of responsibility. I didn't really get a lot of time to like be a child. Then I got pregnant as a teenager, right, and then I grew up in poverty, things like that, and and these men came into my life and they let my inner child be a child. They gave me the fun and adventure and the playfulness that that little girl really needed, Right, that she really needed to just relax. And you know they're like hey, let's go bike riding, let's just go, you don't have to think about nothing. Hey, take off of work, I'll take care of everything. I'll make sure you're paid for today. Right, you don't got to get no clients today. Let's, let's just go and go on a lake, or you know, let's just go. And let's go play golf, or let's just go do this, let's just go be silly, let's go.
Speaker 1:I remember one day was at the was at a water park. He was just like I'm gonna take you to a water park. We just we just played in a water park all day and I was like, oh my gosh, I've never had a date at a water park before. Absolutely amazing. And then I had a date, um, you know, at the at the uh, it was at the lake and he was just like, hey, I'm going to surprise you. You know, all I want you to do is just wear something really nice and flowy. And he planned a picnic date. He bought like fruit and wine, he bought a big speaker out there with music and then we just dance like he had a blanket, we just dance by the lake to all the music, like he danced with me, and twirl me around and we just like enjoy it.
Speaker 1:So I got a lot of like just being able to be relaxed and just have like responsibilities. Don't really need them, right, I'm just going to tend to that little girl in you, the little girl who needed to be heard. Right, I grew up feeling not heard, not validated. A lot right, people. I feel like I was a black sheep and people thinking that something wrong with me and I'm weird, but dating quality men who in alignment with me and they're validating, like they're, they're listening to me, and I was just like, yeah, I feel you, I get you.
Speaker 1:I understand that in a place where so many people didn't understand, or, um, things that I was embarrassed over, you know, there were certain things that I was really embarrassed and I'm not going to lie. There was one thing that I was embarrassed of and actually'm not going to lie. There was one thing that I was embarrassed of and actually my husband kind of never let it go Like he never let the embarrassed. It happened even before we got married and I would tell these men about it and they would say, wow, you know, like, thank you for sharing. And they didn't judge me for it, they didn't diminish me for it, they didn't say, oh, you need to repent, like years later after it like happened. They were just very thoughtful. And then they all, and then they shared things about themselves, like healthy, emotional people, like are able to connect. In that way. They shared well, like, hey, you shared this with me, I'll share an embarrassing moment with you and I'm like, oh, yeah, that's very that's, that's embarrassing, right. So we both got, we all got secrets, right. So they were able to do that with me, so they helped heal my inner child. They also made sure when I was dating, like, well, I am dating. I'm still dating, right, but I'm just saying, I'm just recalling back to the past. Incidents like between now and when I left.
Speaker 1:It made sure I never had to worry about my basic needs, right? Oh man, I received a house, a property, from a guy. He was just like you know, this is yours. As long as you want to live in this house, you can have this house. You know he had a piece of property. He was like you can, this is your house, this is whatever you need. I'm going to, I'm going to do whatever you want with this house. You know, I requested that he get me a nice thing for my yard, like a lawn set. Like I requested that. Like I requested cameras, like I requested all these types of things for the house that I lived in and like you really like, and I didn't have to pay bills. I was like, for a very long time I did not have to pay no bills, right, and it was. It was an amazing experience, like just being able to have you know someone look out for me. That way. I was like, hey, this is, this, will be your house. And then, when I was like, okay, I know that you say this is my house, but at the same time, I really want something for my. I really want something that I get for myself and that I take care of for myself, because I want my son to come live with me. Right, if I didn't have my son, I would live in this house for as long as whatever, right, but I have my son and so I was able to get one guy. So when I left also like my credit, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:It took a really big hit for a lot of different reasons. I'm not going to go into that in this podcast, but I wasn't able to get a home on my own from all of the like I probably would have. But it was hard because it was a really difficult market on. People in California was selling their homes and coming here and buying homes up and rent and stuff. It was just a really hard market to find a place to stay. With the credit I had and had someone, a guy like he signed he was able to get me a home Right.
Speaker 1:There was even when I was looking, there was another guy, um, that I was dating and he was like you know how much money, like how much, do you need, you know, to make sure that you're secure. He said, first of all, I can get. I put you in with my real estate agent and how many, like how many months of rent do you need? And I was like I need three months. He was like, all right, well, because he was like, can you come out with me? And I was like, no, I got to work. He said, no, you work too hard, you work too hard. Just come out and spend time with me. I'll make sure you have your three months rent. He was like you just work too hard, come out of the house.
Speaker 1:They invested in my personal life mentally, emotionally, financially like they supported me in so many different areas. They invested into my business. Right when I had that negative two hundred dollars on my account, I was able to have an investment, thousands of dollars of investment, to get me back to where I needed to be. And he was just like you know, I just want to make sure that you are where you need to be Right.
Speaker 1:I've had men make my desires come true Destination dates. They would be in different states, like I would meet men in different states and they let me plan the most elaborate dates, whatever I wanted to do and I would come out and they would just make it happen. I'm like, hey, I want this, I want to make sure we're doing that, I want to make sure we're doing this, and I'm like I also want to let you know that sex is not on the table. I want to make sure I have my own hotel room, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they all conceded to it. Like they all made sure I just had an amazing time, um, dating, like I've. I've had an amazing experience with, with men who have really cared for me, who cooked for me and made sure that I didn't, that I could eat, like I had things to eat. They made sure I had my meals right, actually preparing food for me. Um, I could just go on and on. I've had, I've had.
Speaker 1:Um, my front runner, my front runner, has made sure the last two birthdays have been absolutely amazing destination birthdays, and I would let him know what, like these are the things. He took me to um, oregon, and it was a beautiful experience, with all the hiking and the nature trails, and I spent time with my friend Winnie when I was out there and we had me a beautiful birthday dinner. Oh, it was, oh, it was so good. And then he also took me to um. I asked him if he could take me to Orlando for my birthday this year and I think I talked about it on the podcast previously about everything I asked him that I wanted to do. He did for me, from taking me to Orlando to making sure that I had I was able to go to the um. I wanted to go to the islands of adventure. I wanted to make sure I had express passes Like he invested in those express passes. I wanted to make sure we went kayaking. I wanted to make sure I linked up with my girl, nina, while we were out there. Um, you know, we did go car. Like everything I wanted to do, it was done. I wanted to leave early. He changed it you know the dates on the planes and got us back, just made my desires come true.
Speaker 1:All these men have made me feel well-loved and well-pleased. Now, of course, there were some men that were ridiculous. I can talk about these on other podcasts, but the lessons I'm learning right now I want to talk about today is like dating skills are life skills. Okay, because dating these men gave me like a beautiful life while navigating a possible divorce. Right.
Speaker 1:I didn't have to take a leave of absence from my business because I was like trying to go at it alone. I didn't have to take a sabbatical from social media because I'm sliding down the walls crying because I'm, you know, I moved away from a marriage and I have these men over here really making sure that I'm taken care of, like praying for me. I remember being prayed over, right. Like all types of things. I didn't have to stop serving my clients. They kept getting results. Right. I didn't have to stop traveling. I didn't have to spend months or years healing from my marriage. My life was balanced and it was enhanced because I knew how to date. I knew how to attract men who added value.
Speaker 1:And I'm telling you, if you are a woman of faith and you don't learn dating skills, you are at a disadvantage, a severe disadvantage, disadvantage, a severe disadvantage. Even if you are going to a marriage, you need to be able to have dating skills because you have no idea death or divorce, you have no idea where you will be at. Right, we think, oh, we're going to be with this person forever. We have no idea. And then we need to be able to pass these tools down like an inheritance to the future generations and break generational curses.
Speaker 1:Me dating helps solidify that I don't need to go back to my husband. I don't need to accept less than I don't need to. I don't need to settle for the old patterns. I've created new ones. I've come into a different stream of consciousness. I'm attracting men with a similar consciousness that I'm on right, that feel it feels really, really in alignment and I'm pleased with this right.
Speaker 1:And I know that I can get married anytime I want. I've had men offer to pay for my divorces, right, I have actually a couple of men that have offered and said, hey, I'm going to help you through this, I'm going to make sure, but the but the thing is, at least one of them was like trying to move me into a marriage with him and I'm like, sir, I told you I am not looking for marriage and you need to date a woman who wants to be married very soon. Now, I want me, I want to be married again, but not soon. Right, I'm for the streets right now. For the wilderness whatever for the universe. However, right, I'm for the streets right now. For the wilderness, whatever for the universe. However, moving on the last lesson that I learned.
Speaker 1:I learned that I have permission, and permission refers to the validation from oneself or others. Right, it's the. It's the validation you get when you want to pursue something. It's the approval you get when you want to do something, when you want to try something, when you want to live a certain type of way. It's the validation, or approval, it's permission.
Speaker 1:And, as women of faith like we're really conditioned to be good girls and not to do things that others don't approve of, because if people don't approve of it, then that means that we won't be accepted by them. It means that we might not be loved by them, like we might want to change careers, but if we have parents in a culture that were raised to not approve of such things, right, say, if you're a culture where you are raised to be an engineer or a doctor or whatever and you want to be an artist or you want to be a video game person and you want to be a YouTuber, your parents might not approve of it from your culture and so you don't. I remember talking to a guy and he was just like I could never do that because of my culture. He doesn't. He didn't give himself permission, he doesn't have permission. Or, as women, we might want to kiss a guy on the first date yeah, right, but others might think it's too soon, so we don't have their. We don't do it because we don't have those people's permission. Or we might want to experiment with clothes, with fashion Right, but because others might judge us for it, we don't do it because we don't have their permission. Hell, I know women who have a deep desire to work with me, to hire me as their dating coach, but they don't hire me because their friends or family will think it's silly, ridiculous that they're doing so much. And they don't hire me because they don't have their permission right, they don't have their approval. I remember one of my clients. She actually did decide to work with me, but she did admit to me that when she first started working with me, before she found her power, that she would hide in the closet if her family was around.
Speaker 1:I remember crying because my son's father yelled at me Because me and him we did music together back in the day, like he had an album. I sung on his album. I had an EP, Right Again, I'm like 17 years old, right, still in high school, 16 or 17. Maybe it was 16, because it was before Yvonne, right, and somebody asked me to sing for them and I did and he said, did you charge them? And I said no, and he yelled at me. It was like, oh, I need it. And I cried and I was like, oh, I'll never do that again, right, and I told people I can't sing for you unless you, you pay for it. Right, I needed his permission, right. I look, I um, I remember asking my pastor for permission to go on a trip to Georgia and I live in, and I'm living in South Carolina. I'm like, hey, can I? I want to go on a trip, I want to go on a trip, I want to go visit, and I had to ask for permission because that's the way that church was set up.
Speaker 1:I remember a video that I put out that went viral, but I wasn't about to put it out. It was back in 2011. I wanted approval from my husband before I put it out. It wasn't just that video, it was a lot of other videos and he was like, no, that's not your good one, that's not your best one. I'll be like I ain't going to put it out because I wanted his approval. Now, this is not me saying it's his fault. I'm just saying that that's what I needed. I needed his approval. I wanted his approval before I put it out. The thing is, when I put it out, it blew up and it went viral. And imagine if I saying you know that's not your best video right.
Speaker 1:Most of my life I look for permission from others to live my life right. I look to my father for permission because I wanted his love and approval. I look to my son's dad for it because I wanted his love and approval. I look to my pastor for it because I wanted his love and approval. I look to men in general for it because I wanted their love and approval. And I look to good Christian women for it because I wanted their love and approval. And I looked to good Christian women for it because I wanted their love and approval. I looked to social media my audience for it because I wanted their love and approval. I thought to myself should I post this? Should I post that? Would they like me if I do that? I wanted the love and approval and I looked to my husband for it because I wanted his love and approval, and leaving my marriage really helped me lead into giving myself permission, which means I really learned how to seek love and approval from myself before anyone else.
Speaker 1:So I have permission to leave a misaligned marriage because I love and approve of myself. I have permission to date during the process of leaving a marriage because I love and approve of myself. I have permission to divorce because I love and approve of myself. I have permission to be a woman of faith and not believe what you want me to believe or behave how you want me to behave, because I have love and approval for myself. I have permission to interpret scripture the way I'm able to interpret it right, because I have love and approval for myself. Hell, we got hundreds of denominations because of different people interpreting scripture right. I have permission to do the same. I have permission to do pole dance and fitness because I love and approve of myself. I have permission to wear the clothes that I wear because I love and approve of myself. I have permission to wear the clothes that I wear because I love and approve of myself. I have permission to share my story on this podcast, on social media, on whatever outlet, because I love and approve of myself, and I have permission to be free to be free free of others' opinions, standards and religious rituals.
Speaker 1:Because I love and approve of myself, I am free to leave the type of legacy I want to leave because I love and approve of myself, and I want to inspire you to find your own permission, whatever that is. Because you love and you approve of yourself, you will never get to your deathbed and regret doing all the things that you want to do, but I promise you you will regret doing, not doing the things that you didn't want, that you actually wanted to do, because people you were scared, people were going to judge you for it or drag you for it. So those are my lessons. The lessons I learned after leaving my husband was I can do hard things while going through hard things. Failure is up to interpretation. I am the son, the most important person in my life Always trust the pattern, dating skills or life skills, and I have permission.
Speaker 1:I know that this episode was a heavy hitter. It Always trust the pattern, dating skills or life skills, and I have permission. I know that this episode was a heavy hitter. It was long right, but I know that you were able to get something out of it and if you were able to get something out of it. You know, let me know. Leaving a review would be an amazing thing for you to do and I would really appreciate that A five-star review, of course, if you would leave a one-star girl, don't leave nothing, girl, don't mess up my algorithm but if you do appreciate this podcast, I would love for you to leave a five-star review. Um, you know, on the podcast. You know, let me know.
Speaker 1:Now, if you listen to this episode and it really triggered you and a lot of things came up for you, maybe you're angry, maybe you're frustrated, maybe this disappointed you in some kind of way. I am completely unavailable for you sharing that with me. I'm completely unavailable for you sliding in my DMs sharing that with me. I encourage you to speak to your therapist, speak to your religious leaders. I encourage you to talk it out with a friend or whatever leaders. I encourage you to talk it out with a friend or whatever.
Speaker 1:If you need to gossip about it with um, you know somebody else who knows me like, do what you need to do to come to terms with all of this, but I'm unavailable for it. And even if you're like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry this happened, like there's nothing to be sorry about. I'm not available for that either. Like I, I need y'all like. One of the things that I would love for you guys to get to the point is when you feel like you're, you know how to hold your own discomfort, your discomfort with. You know anything that I may be saying. I want you to get comfortable being uncomfortable when people say things without needing to you know, like everything's fine. Like everything's fine, like, like everything's cool. There's nothing that you need to be sorry for. There's nothing you need to apologize for. You don't need to check on me and say how am I doing? I'm fine girl, I'm living my best life and I'm I'm very happy that I'm able to talk about this more.
Speaker 1:So now that I've shared that, you're gonna hear for future episodes. You're gonna hear a lot more of my stories. You're gonna hear a lot about my dating experiences. You're going to know what it looks like for me to date in the modern world, because I know a lot of y'all in the back of y'all head was like Taurus married she don't know. I was walking with a client the other day and I told you know I was catching her up on everything and she was like well, tora, I'm happy for you, but I mean, I guess there's no excuses for me now.
Speaker 1:She said, because you know, there was a little piece of me that felt like I couldn't relate to you, even though your stuff is good. I felt there was a little piece of me that felt like you didn't really know what was going on or understand, because this was like you've been married, blah, blah, blah, and I'm like, no, I'm in it. There's like literally no excuse because, like I'm able to do this in this modern dating world and attract and create what I've been able to create and have the rotation that the rotations I built and I've built several rotations since I've left Right create and have the rotation that the rotations I built and I built several rotations since I've left Right and have the amazing front runner that I have. I mean, yeah, but you know, I know that you enjoy this episode and talk to you next time, bye.