How Boundaries Help Relationships // Use Intuition to Set Boundaries

069. Get ready for an episode packed with tips about setting boundaries and kicking unhealthy people-pleasing to the curb! Join me on the Marijanel Show as I share how boundaries are essential for personal growth and authenticity.

I'll let you in on a little boundary-making secret when faced with opportunities: giving yourself some time and space before making decisions is a total game-changer. It's all about honoring your needs and preferences, so I’ll share with you how to take that well-deserved time to think about opportunities before giving a people pleasing answer. Today’s will reveal my Time and Space decision making strategy in a way that will help you stop and consider your impulsive “yes” and “no’s”.

Then we talk about communication and how it’s the key to your boundaries.

But wait, there's more! I'll dish out some real talk on surrounding yourself with people who truly care about you. Say goodbye to seeking constant approval or playing the people-pleasing game. It's time to create a community that loves and supports you for the amazing person you are—no strings attached. I will also leave you with a big challenge.

Today you’ll learn how boundaries and intuition go together like coffee and cream! I'll share some secrets on how to tap into your inner wisdom and use it to set those rock-solid boundaries. Trust me, following your gut will lead you to a happier, healthier life.

This podcast will be a powerful reminder that saying "no" creates space for the perfect "yes" to come your way. It's time to put yourself first, establish those healthy boundaries, and create a positive environment for yourself and your relationships.

Check out the links below for some companion audio podcasts on Apple Google and Spotify. And hey, if you're loving what you're hearing, don't be shy—leave a comment, like, subscribe and hit the notification bell. Your support means so much to me!

Until next time, get ready to unleash your potential and live your most authentic life.

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00:00:00 Intro 00:02:10 Setting healthy boundaries in your life 00:03:18 What do boundaries mean? 00:05:00 How to set boundaries with decision-making 00:07:48 How boundaries help us to say no 00:13:38 Identify your own feelings 00:15:34 How to be authentically yourself 00:18:22 What does it mean to have boundaries? 00:20:17 The importance 00:22:52 Knowing and understanding your intuition when it comes to boundaries 00:23:00 Closing

Transcript

Marijanel Knight: 0:00

Hey, do you have a hard time setting boundaries and you lead into people pleasing in an unhealthy way? I completely relate. In today's Marijanel Show we're going to talk about tips and tricks for setting boundaries, tapping into your intuition and saying the scary word, "No" when needed. We're going to learn some tools and resources for having healthy relationships and setting boundaries. Let's get to it.

Marijanel: 0:23

Welcome to the Marijanel show. So glad you're here. Let's get started with today's episode.

Marijanel Knight: 0:29

Hey, and welcome back to The Marijanel Show. We're in the middle of a series on people pleasing, learning what it's all about why we do it, and how to get beyond that people pleasing tendencies that are unhealthy. There are several episodes just before this one that you might want to hop back and have a listen if you've missed them, where I talked about people pleasing and share some real life examples that I've lived through how it's impacted me how it's changed a lot of my projects and creativity. There's not all bad parts of people pleasing Some of it's beautiful, to please people and love people and put others first in a context that's healthy. But then we're also looking at the aspects of people pleasing, that give us an apologetic demeanor where we really don't show up and shine. Because we're busy apologizing for who we are trying to please people around us looking for approval and recognition in ways that really bring a lot of unhealthy results. So in the past two previous episodes where I shared all about people pleasing, I mentioned several times, boundaries, the importance of boundaries, and setting them in healthy ways that helps to guard you and protect you, so that you can really thrive and that you're not looking for people's approval and that people's opinions don't really push you around.

Marijanel: 1:56

And I wanted to land on this topic of boundaries, again, in the podcast, to just share a little bit about what I've personally learned about setting boundaries, how very hard and difficult it can really be. And what we really have to keep in mind when it's time to set those boundaries in our life, with people in order to be healthy. And in order to succeed in being who we are to the fullest of our potential. And you know, the Marijanel show is all about helping you reach the fullest potential, whether it's in creative things, or in business realms, or in personal life, we're looking to be who are called to be to live out our purposes, in the fullest, most authentic way possible. And that means we are each individuals we are unique, and and we need our place to shine. And that has to be able to come from the inside out and not be influenced, not be impressed upon by other people dictating how we should shine, we have to shine authentically. And in order to do that, in order to really find ourselves know ourselves and live our fullest potential.

Marijanel Knight: 3:08

We need to be able to set healthy boundaries so that we can discover who we are and so that we can shine in the ways that we know we should. So when I mentioned boundaries of what do I really mean by that? Essentially, setting boundaries is that way of knowing your own let's call them rules for lack of a better word, but knowing your own personal rules and guard that you you have a space to consider decisions before you say yes or no that you have a boundary where you say you can say that you'll think about something where you have a boundary that when someone imposes their opinion or sort of tells you what to do or essentially tells you how you should be shining, then you can have that boundary in place for your own personal heart for yourself that you can say no, this goes against a boundary that I've decided. So in other words, I would say that a boundary or personal is a boundaries are personal decisions that you make that determine how and when people can influence and affect your life. And if you're in a relationship or a friendship with someone who has some unhealthy patterns, things they say things they do that puts you in positions that you're not comfortable with, even if it's just how they make you feel about a certain thing you do in a certain way you shine in your life. You can set a boundary that guards and protects you and yet still have a healthy relationship with that person. And a lot of times that boundary needs to be set in place. I saying one of the hardest words that's that it's out there to say is no, I have a hard time saying no, especially when I'm given opportunities. And I feel that the opera taking the opportunity would please other people, I have a hard time saying no.

Marijanel: 5:14

And I have to learn that a boundary that I need to give myself when faced with a great opportunity is first to give myself space and time to think about it to not rush into a yes or no. And then if I do say, No, I need to be able to have thought through carefully. And because I'm a I'm a contemplative person. And so I've learned that how I work is that I need that space to make my decision and not feel that I need to make a yes under pressure. So one now, you may or may not even consider this a boundary. But to me it is so when someone puts up an opportunity, but before me, I've taught myself my little rule. That rule is that I don't give an answer immediately. I said, like to sit with that for a few days, or I give it a time period a week I say, Hey, can I have a week to think about that? Or hey, can I have a day? And I give myself the time? Because if you give an immediate yes or no response, a lot of times we haven't processed it through our intuition.

Marijanel Knight: 6:22

And you know, I have a whole series on intuition in previous episodes. And you can look back there in the audio form only it was pre YouTube days. So you'll look back to my secret sauce revealed an episode A while back where I share how intuition is that inner quiet voice that signals to us quietly to guard us, protect us and connect us to the truth? Our intuition is there for us much like a conscience would be it's there for us to help guide us. And we we can't, we can't understand what our intuition is saying or signaling, if we're not listening to the quiet signals if we're not taking time to know ourselves and to know our own intuition. And so in order to have effective boundaries, with decision making, and saying yes or no, for those reasons, like being approved by people, in that context, I was sharing about like being faced with a big opportunity. And do I say yes, because I want to please them and make them happy? Or can I have some space and time to think about it? My Space and Time decision is because I want to listen to my intuition. And I want to think about things without feeling rushed. And I've shared before how I was really impressed that through one of the workshops that I took the the instructor called herself a professional disappointment, and I thought whoa, would I ever call myself a professional disappoint her? Probably not. I don't like to disappoint people.

Marijanel: 7:50

But when we take when we have the boundary in place that when we're faced with an opportunity, someone's looking for a yes or no. When we say can I take the time to think about it, even if it's at one hour and say, hey, I'll text you back in an hour, I need some time to think about it. giving yourself the time number one connects you to your intuition, you can actually get to underneath the layers of your first impulse, your first reaction to the question. And then secondly, taking the time allows you to if you're going to say no, and you're going to let somebody down, it allows you to prepare yourself, and know that you're going into that decision with some thought that you've you've had the chance to be prepared for whatever reaction is ahead. And so that is a personal boundary that I've learned with people and it really helps me on all fronts of life. He you know, it's funny when you're a kid and you ask your mom something or your parents something and you're like, Hey, can I do this or that? And they're like, I'll think about it. I never like that response. And I'm not I'm not suggesting that we have that response in that tone to everyone who presents us with an opportunity or an idea. They all think about it in that kind of sound. But like, Hey, can I have a few minutes to think about that? Gotta have an hour, we're gonna have a couple of days. And we can digest the information come into alignment with our intuition and give an appropriate answer. But what it mostly does, is it gives us the time and ability to say no, and part of our boundaries that we need to have, especially as highly sensitive people that have real difficult problems saying no and letting anyone down. Is is that we we need to be able to say no in a space that makes us feel safer and having a time to think about something can help us to say no, in a safer way rather than impulsively.

Marijanel Knight: 9:54

Now, the other thing that I've really learned like kind of like a little tip in hear is that when I, when I say to somebody that I'm gonna think about it, I actually genuinely do. Because sometimes the I want to think about it, or may I have time to think about it, sometimes that can come across like, you're not interested. Or you're kind of downplaying their question, or that you don't have time for them right now, which could be the case, but I will try to genuinely put across to them, you know, I'm really interested in what you're proposing, or I really want to consider this about, I just need a little bit of time to think about it more in depth. And that way, they know that when I come back to them whether the answer is yes or no, and especially if it's a no that I have genuinely thought it through. And I find that there is an aspect of that boundary that people, especially in, like creative realms, when you're faced with an opportunity that they think is amazing for you, and then you don't and you you decide against it, it what happens is that they have the I have found that the other party has a lot of respect, when they know that you truly did consider it thoughtfully. And by having that boundary in place. It is I just find it to be very helpful in the boundary setting. When it comes to boundaries, and the people pleasing aspect of meeting to set boundaries, I just find clear communication is key.

Marijanel: 11:32

And a lot of times we are afraid of the clear communication, because that's part of the people pleasing tendency is to kind of glaze things over washings. out, I spoke last week about downplaying or, you know, you can kind of beat around the bush or not get to the point because you're afraid of the conflict or afraid to face the know or the rejection or whatever comes as the outcome of that clear communication. But clear communication is actually the key where you're able to express your preferences and your decisions clearly, and keep it simple. Without that apology, do you remember last week, I spoke on that apologetic demeanor where we just want to say sorry for letting people down. And also just for simply taking up the space of existing, we have an apologetic demeanor, with communication and building the skills of communication is key to being able to clearly define the boundary. And being able to take time and space to consider indecision. And then being able to offer your very clear yes or no. And if it's appropriate, offering the explanation of how you arrived at that decision. But as I mentioned last week, sometimes we don't need a lot of backstory or a big explanation, we can just say, you know, I'm just feeling it's not for me right now. And that can be just left. That simple. And that clearly defined. And I also want to save in all of this, all of these tips that I'm giving in setting the boundary, taking time before decisions, not rushing into the yes or no. And then clearly defining it through communication, what it is, boiling down and reducing down to is prioritizing yourself, and your thoughts and feelings above pleasing everyone else in the world where you can take the space in that boundary in that safe zone. And say I'm going to really think about what I want in this. And that is really important. So what I like to call that is identifying your own feelings, identifying your own self expression in it. And then knowing how to clearly set that up and boundaries. And sometimes we have to set the boundaries up through conversation.

Marijanel Knight: 13:57

I was even reading online recently some tips on setting up boundaries in writing, like how to respond to something properly in a text or an email or a handwritten letter that gives the boundary that creates the safe place for you. And so if that's something you're interested, I encourage you to look that up look out up ways to write boundary setting letters, boundaries, sending emails, because sometimes that is important that we are able to put our boundaries in place in a written form, not just a verbal context. And then one thing that I also want to encourage you to do is that if you found yourself like even through the last series of people pleasing that I've been doing if this has been percolating in your mind, you're thinking to yourself, okay Marijanel is talking a lot about people pleasing and I'm doing an awfully lot of it and I want to I want to be free from the the unhealthy trap of people pleasing when I'm gonna want to encourage you to do is begin to surround yourself with people that you feel like you don't have to have those boundaries with people that you feel like you're not looking to please, all the time, in an unhealthy way that it's easy to be in relationship with those people because they genuinely authentically care for you unconditionally, like how you arrive is exactly who they care for you to be. And that is important to be with people who love and care for you unconditionally. Because even if you displease them, they will be there for you and care for you. And a lot of times, what happens is that we get ourselves in friendships, relationships, collaborations, even in entrepreneurial situations where we're with people that we want to rise up and meet expectations, and we want to please and get approval, but we feel that it's in a sliver of life where we can't be authentically ourselves. And so we're putting on facades or over apologizing over trying, and in the end, the person doesn't really know who we are genuinely. And so to surround yourself with genuine people and friendships, and it's never too late to reach out to someone new, and start building friendships and cultivating relationships that you feel really authentic and comfortable in. And so if it's something that's missing in your life, and you're just feeling like everyone in your life is someone you're trying to gain approval from, I would encourage you to seek authentic friendships, on a newer, more real level. And where you don't have to put on any masks or facades, you can just be truly you.

Marijanel: 16:51

And I think that then, in order to receive that kind of love, we can't, we have to give that kind of love. And so my my then challenge to you would be to start asking, if you're giving out what you're hoping to receive, are you being the kind of person who is fully accepting to other people and their boundaries, and that you're unconditionally caring for people in your life, whether or not they they meet your approval. And you know, we all have standards, we all have what we would hope to see from other people in our lives, because we see each other's potential, you can look at someone and see their potential, and you know what they're capable of, you know how amazing they are. And you want to see them rise to be the fullest, you know, individual that they can in their lifetime. But we're not hurt like people aren't perfect. We're never going to meet each other's expectations or rise to our fullest potential. But we can be there for each other in the failings in the shortcomings. And if you are wanting to be accepted, and have people understand where you're at in life, you have to begin to do that towards the other vote towards the ones that you're in that position for when someone doesn't meet your approval, or expectation. Are you loving them unconditionally and saying, Hey, I get it. I understand. And even if you don't verbally say those words, is that what your attitude is giving? And so I would challenge you that in the same way that you're, you're wanting others approval. Remember, there's someone on the other side who's wanting yours? And how and what does that mean?

Marijanel Knight: 18:43

Now I know I've taken a rabbit trail away from the topic of boundaries, and given a little challenge in there and even encouraged you to kind of be evaluating your friendships and your relationships. But all of this does actually come back to boundaries, because it's actually important for us to have boundaries, that we don't impose our opinions and our expectations on other people who don't want them and I realize this in the area of mentorship because I mentor and I read in in people developing their personal and professional skills and coming into their fullest potential. Does that mean that everyone in my life needs to feel like I'm expecting or mentoring them into their potential? No, I can simply still be myself in all of these relationships with friendships and realms that I'm in and just show up as me knowing that I can have a boundary a healthy boundary that that allows everyone to express themselves as exactly where they're at. And you've probably heard you know, country songs and poems and sentiments that say things like they loved me for who I am and they loved me for where I'm at and What's sad is sometimes I feel like it's just part of the song these days where we're not actually doing that, because we have so much striving to meet each other's approval and also setting bars, that we're hoping other people will meet our our approvals.

Marijanel: 20:17

And these boundaries are important that we have in place, so that we can have healthy and happy friendships and relationships. Now, it's a totally different scenario, if you are in fact mentoring someone, or if someone comes to you, and they say, Hey, I am really working on a certain area of my life, could you give me some advice or help me like get better at something, that's a whole different scenario than you just expecting that without them wanting your help approval and guidance. And so knowing the boundaries, knowing what someone's actually wanting from you, there's times in friendships, relationships, ships, and even as a mum to adult kids, I find that there's times I'm like, right now, all I have to do and be is love, I don't have to have an answer, I don't have to have something, a change, like an expectation of a change or an expectation of a be better or get better, I just need to love. And so I know that in speaking of boundaries, and in speaking of setting up safeguards for ourselves, that we're not seeking approval, and then vice versa, that we're not demanding approval from other people, but that we have these healthy boundaries in place, the measuring stick for the boundary, the the way to weigh out the boundary comes down to love, and comes down to accepting the ones around us and ourselves for exactly where we're at. Now with that, you know, being someone who loves to see people come into their fullest potential, I see the potential in you, I know that you I've spoken of it many times in the past that I know there's a call and purpose is for everyone's lives, and that you can come into become me like transforming into someone better, and reaching your fullest potential and dreams. But with that, there is also the acceptance that today you are who you are now, and you are experiencing what you're experiencing now. And, and that acceptance and love that unconditional love is something that we need to know and, and grasp hold of loving who we are right now today, but holding the hope for the potential of what could come what could someone could become.

Marijanel Knight: 22:52

And this is all the process of becoming. And this is us in the process of becoming something together as a community as a collaborative group of people. And so what I'm teaching sharing on the people pleasing aspect does have to do with relationships, and being in good relationship with ourselves and good relationship with everyone else around us. So in closing, if I could stress again, that taking the time to make decisions to say, Hey, can I have a couple of days? Can I have an hour? Can I have a week, whatever you need to make a decision when faced with an opportunity to save yourself from people pleasing, and no one understand your own intuition of how to give your answer. And if your answer needs to be No, it needs to be very clearly communicated no without over explaining if you don't want to. And then knowing that if you're prone to the people pleasing and seeking approval, you not only want to set up these healthy boundaries for yourself, and maybe seek out some other guidance on how to do that, whether it's verbally or written and knowing your own personal rules. And we call them rules for how to keep the people pleasing tendencies at bay. And then as well in summary of just knowing and understanding yourself and your expectations on other people because they might be trying to please you. And what we can do is come into our relationships, just accepting where someone is at but always encouraging the potential in them. And so these are some things I've been ruminating on through the week.

Marijanel: 24:31

And I've been really thinking now one of these things that I've just thought over and over and over is really does have to do with intuition. I think setting boundaries is very, very linked to our intuition. And if you go back and listen to that intuition series, and you begin to think wow, I want to work on knowing and understanding my intuition. It helps us with decision and helps us with boundaries. That is something to then begin to take into your journal. Look for my journal pro I'm so on my blog that are in regards to growing and knowing your intuition. And then begin to translate that into knowing and setting firm your boundaries, your healthy boundaries in relationships, where you can say no and, and not over apologize for it not over explain it. And trust me, I know how hard that is. I never want to disappoint. I never want to say no. But it is really important. And it's especially important as we move forward into our call and purposes. Because I heard in one of the good books that I read, I believe it's called essentialism that every time you say no, you're actually making a way for the yes and the yes, that's supposed to, like be there. So every no is like a doorway for the correct yes in your life. And so I remind myself of that when I need to say no.

Marijanel Knight: 25:54

So have a wonderful week everyone see all my links below, and we'll see you around the show. Thank you for joining me on today's episode, you can find companion videos to this show. Over on my Marijanel channel, YouTube. Please leave a review and stars here in your favorite podcast app to boost and show appreciation for the show. Reviewing and sharing is one of the best ways that you can help a podcast that you love. You can also support the show by giving a donation through the buy me a coffee link found in the show notes. I'd like to invite you to find me at marijanel.com and on Instagram @Marijanel Reach out say hi connect through my email list where I update about all my courses and community news. Until next time, keep on in the full potential of you.