JanYouary: Is He Him?

Is He? 

Our hearts crave love in a world that is so deprived of it. Dating in my 20s has been nothing short of crazy ups and downs but with a newfound understanding of what an Ephesians 5:2 man looks like, I find myself a little more hopeful. Let's unpack what it takes to be him together. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Hey guys, it is Ricky Lee here and welcome back to that Girl Radio and for today's episode of January we are going to be discussing is he him? This is a question that I think a lot of us mull over in our heads. It's the start of the new year. You might have a little boo from last year that you're just still trying to figure out. Is this someone that I truly want to take fully all the way into 2024? Is this a man that I see myself building a future with? Is this a man that I would particularly maybe want to take home with me? Is this the guy? God? And today we're going to unpack that together.

Speaker 1: 0:49

This is a question that I ask myself often. This is a question that I've asked myself about several people and through and through. When I measure up a man and I measure him up to not only Christ but also the idea of him mirroring God I think that's most often when I wake up and I'm like, yeah, he's not him, he is not him and we need to leave him. In the previous year and this is very challenging because of lust and so many other things and emotions and whatever else when you get intimate with a person, you get vulnerable and you share so much with them and you build memories together. It's really hard to do away with those emotions and those feelings, it's hard to unpack them. But I feel like just as much as God works miracles in your professional life and he works miracles in your spiritual life, he can certainly work miracles in your love life and there is no reason why, at this beautiful, ripe, luscious age, that you have to settle into anything. I feel like God doesn't call us to settle. He calls us to be understanding, he calls us to be gracious and to be forgiving and a lot of other things. But I don't think that he calls us at any point as Christians to be settling. Because if you hold yourself to a higher standard, why can't you hold your man to a higher standard? There's no reason why, if I feel like I'm waking up every morning and I'm getting to it, I'm getting my daily bread, I'm reading my devotionals, I'm able to bring scripture to my man to solve his problems, there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to get those same things from you.

Speaker 1: 2:38

And I will say for the first point of today's episode start to consider for yourself if you and your partner, or you and your little situation ship are equally yoked? Because if you're not, you're going to constantly be moving at two different paces. You get what I'm saying and I feel like when you go through life and you choose a life partner, you guys are running this race together, this marathon together, and while marriage is going to be difficult sometimes, your partner is going to be walking and you're going to be running and it's going to be like, okay, babe, it's time to catch up. But because you're in a covenant, you're called to give them grace and be loving and patient and work with them through every season. When they're walking, when they're crawling, when they're running. You're supposed to be there with them through this marathon of life. You're doing life together.

Speaker 1: 3:34

But as someone who is not married which is most of my listeners, I would assume you guys aren't married, I'm not married you have to realize that the sacrifices that you are making as a single woman, I don't think that they're warranted. You're sacrificing your peace of mind, you're sacrificing your morals, you're sacrificing your character. There's so many things that you are having to put on the altar, essentially in just kill, at the expense of being in a relationship, and I will never forget one of Naomi. What is her name? She's a part of Maverick City and her song is it's like choosing myself, and I've heard it on tiktok so many times. But she says that like I'm choosing myself it took a long time, but I'm choosing myself. And she says that she was like finding herself in that person and so it's hard to get rid of that situation or like break ties with that person because you were finding yourself in that person and I've been there several times and I think a lot of you can agree.

Speaker 1: 4:48

Like when you Love someone and you get to know someone and it feels like it's going down a good path that doesn't necessarily mean it's going down a God path you get what I'm saying like things may feel good, they may feel right and like you know the devil will distract you, he will bring all types of things to you to make you feel like it's just right. But when you're confused, when there's a lack of clarity, a lack of focus and like an Endpoint in mind for what you're doing with the person, that did not come from God like I promise you it did not. Anything that I've ever cut off or finished with a person that I felt like was bringing me confusion. I feel at peace now because I have clarity, because I chose myself. So at the end of the day, regardless of if we get to the end of today's episode and you feel like you've now Unpacked, that the person that you've been dealing with is indeed not him, that's okay, because at the end of the day, you still have yourself and a lot of us forget how special that Relationship is.

Speaker 1: 5:53

This is a relationship that was forged before you even got onto this earth. You were given a spirit, you were given a soul, a heart, a mind, all of these different things that are supposed to age you on the day To day. Those are your best friends, those are your lovers, and when you take care of those, they take care of you. So, although you may not have a man now, after we get through today's episode, you're like girl. I'm not dealing with this man, he is not him. Just know that you are her. You are literally that girl and You're not alone. You have all of the, that girl community who can uplift you and love on you and celebrate you, and Just for that I encourage every single listener right now to go to that girl radio on Instagram and peruse the following list and find a girl and just de-emher and tell her just how beautiful and and special she is and how she is loved and that she is amazing and that she does. She is deserving of an abundant love, of a godly love, and that you are praying over her and you wish her nothing but the best this year. And I feel like that would be so Nice for someone who also hasn't listened to today's episode to just receive a message like that. And I think that's always just a nice little slice of of that girl radio community, the work that we do, because we do truly love on each other and pour into each other.

Speaker 1: 7:15

So let's get into it. What are the? The fundamentals of a man being him? The first thing I want to unpack is the difference between Care versus love, because a lot of us care for people but we don't love them, and a lot of us are being cared for but not being loved. So let's unpack that.

Speaker 1: 7:38

I talked about this with my really good friend, dynasty, a couple of days ago and it was just so profound for me because it put into perspective what my love life has looked like. I feel like I've always gotten one or the other. I feel like someone has deeply cared about me. They've been concerned with my well-being We'll check in see if I've eaten, you know, see if I'm okay Really helped me unpack my emotions and like just really balance out the the cards. But it's it.

Speaker 1: 8:06

The situation was lacking in love, like there was no Deep intimacy, there was no deep concern with, like my true, true, true Heart. Like they cared about my well-being, but did you care about my feelings, like are you pouring into me and like affirming for me how you feel about me? Are you reassuring me that you love me? Are you showing me that you love me? And are you not only just showing me how you love me, but are you showing you, showing me that you love me and my love language, my love language, is acts of service.

Speaker 1: 8:41

So when you're doing things for me, like I feel seen, I feel like you're showing up for me in a way that a Lot of times I haven't been shown up for, and so that makes me happy. When I get words of affirmation, that really makes me happy. When people spend time with me, that's amazing. But, like I would say, my top two at this point in my life are truly words of affirmation and Acts of service. Those both make me feel seen and I feel like with people who care for me, it's just a check-in, it's not deep like. It's like you're checking in, you're seeing what's wrong, but you're not feeling in the spaces and figuring out how you can not necessarily solve my problems but help me solve my problems. And so when I feel like there's a void or there's a lack in between those two, I have to consult myself and say like, well, which one weighs more? And it's different for every woman, but I would say for me, I have friends that care for me, I have friends that love for me or love me, but like I need someone to love me.

Speaker 1: 9:49

A Lot of men I feel like don't have the capacity to love. They have the capacity to care. They've seen like their grandmothers care for them, their mother care for them, but the, the love portion sometimes is a little shaky. It's like, okay, yeah, I can give you a hug, I can give you a kiss, but I don't know how to pour into you. And that's why we're gonna consult what is an Ephesians man? Because when I read into Ephesians Five and two, it started to speak to me and it says and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. So basically what it's saying is that any Ephesians man is supposed to walk in the way of love. Just as Christ loved us and gave himself up, so his light, his love, has to low-key, be like sacrificial. It has to be at the expense of himself sometimes. And If you think about love in and of itself, a Lot of times people will say that love is unconditional or that they have unconditional love. I feel like today, in 2024, a lot of people love Conditionally.

Speaker 1: 11:04

Everything is conditional. It's like for women oh well, some women it's like you know, okay, are you buying me things? If you ain't buying me nothing, then I can't love you, I can't even deal with you. You know you can't get my time. For men, it's like, okay, are you gonna let me get into them draws? If you not, let me get into them draws, I'm not even trying to get close to you. Everything is conditional and God has not called us to be conditional. His sacrifice of his own son was the utmost Unconditional showing of his love, how his love was boundless for us. And so if an Ephesians 5 man is called to be an unconditional lover, then we must then ask ourselves Okay, is this man giving me unconditional love? And then you also need to ask yourself Am I capable in this season of my life to give unconditional love? Because when you consult that and and you realize that the way of the universe is what you give is what you get, you will start to realize that it makes so much more sense.

Speaker 1: 12:15

We attract what our subconscious wants. You know what I'm saying, and a lot of times we don't consciously realize what we're projecting, that we need. We may say and spew out of our mouth like I want a man that's like this and I want a man that's like that, I want a man of God, I want a man of Substance, I want a man with a purpose and all these different things. But, girl, what you're projecting that you need is completely different and you have to consult that, you have to figure out what is it that I'm giving off, that subtracting this type of person? Because the more and more and more and more I pursue myself and I get more tapped in with God and I recenter him and I decenter men, I am more likely to attract men who have a foundation on God, because they, too, have decentered women from their lives.

Speaker 1: 13:11

They're not just frolicking and just haphazardly coming across me because they were being a shark in the water. It's because they were doing what they needed to be doing for themselves and they decided okay, now I'm ready. I'm in a space where I want to love unconditionally. I want to be able to give to a woman in a way that an Ephesians man is called to, and that is what we're all deserving of. We don't deserve somebody's half ass efforts. You feel me Like he's just doing it because he thinks he's supposed to, but he's not really motivated to, he doesn't feel like he needs to. And also be careful, because there are a lot of men who just do things. They just do nice stuff because that's just their nature, but they're not doing that in any particular reason, because they're motivated to be with you. You get what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 14:14

A lot of people will keep you in the loop and will keep you on their roster, will keep you on the team, but have no intentions of making you MVP. I'm going to say that again. A lot of people will keep you on their team, will keep you on the roster and will have no intentions of making you MVP. Okay, forget even making you MVP. They have no intentions of leaving the game. They want to play all day. And you have to like, really think for yourself what is it that you want? An Ephesians man isn't playing games, he's not going to have a roster, he's not going to have a team, he's not going to have a franchise. He is going to be a man of purpose that comes to you one day and says okay, my love, you're looking just right, you're sounding just right, you feel just right. Let's see what we can do. You'll be like okay, all right, let me see, let's go. It'll just feel good. I would say another component to think about is if he's wise, for him to be him, he has to be wise.

Speaker 1: 15:31

As women, we often have ideas. We tap into things, we're very haphazard. We just are very emotional beings. We just flow. Things are what they are because we feel that they are, you know, but like for men, they're thinkers, they're logical, they're providers, they're all of these things that we're not. There has to be some sort of balance. When you're trying to balance out those cards, it's nice, as a woman of standard and a woman who has accomplished a lot, to be able to consult someone and gain wisdom.

Speaker 1: 16:18

Have you ever talked to a man and you're just like, oh my gosh, you're no smarter than like a handful of rocks. What am I doing? What am I doing? The substance of this conversation is actually allowing me to lose brain cells. I don't know why I'm engaging in conversation with you.

Speaker 1: 16:38

When you continue to expand your mind and your heart, and especially your spirit, you will start to dislike hearing just like crazy things that men say At 21,. I know I have an old soul and I know I'm quite more mature than the average 21-year-old. However, I mean like I just have no tolerance for the nonsense. I can't sit down and listen to a fool because I myself am rather wise. So, as I've been reading the book of Proverbs with my mother every morning, we've been reading on what wisdom looks like.

Speaker 1: 17:22

Proverbs provides you wisdom and if you meet a man who's told you he's read all of the book of Proverbs, that is a man that you just might not want to just be your brother. You might want him to be your man, because there is just something so sexy about a man that has intellect. There's something so sexy about a man who knows his word, who is a man of his word and the word. Like there's just something about it. They give off a different sort of fragrance and it just makes you so much more respected. Because I see you as not only a man, but I see you as someone who consults God, and that is the number one principle that I need.

Speaker 1: 18:08

Like I need a man that is principled. You can't just come to me telling me you want me to do this, you want me to do that. We're going here, we're going there. Like I need to know that your GPS is like your satellite, for your GPS is coming from God. Where we're going is being calibrated by him. It's not just because, you know, dick Juan chose today that he wants to go to LA and do this or whatever. Like no, who told you that you need to be doing that? I need to know that it's him, because if it's not him, then you're not him for me, babe, I don't need a man that just goes with the flow, because the only thing that goes with the flow is dead fish, baby, and I don't. I don't want a dead fish for a man. I want a man that is like Aquaman. Okay, he gets into that water and everything flows with him. He rules the waters. He's over here telling everything how to move, how to go, when to stop, when to. You know, I just don't like being around somebody or like them trying to tell me what to do and they don't even know how to tell themselves what to do.

Speaker 1: 19:15

And a lot of times, women will settle into into relationships because of needs. That's why I said consult what your needs are, because what you're projecting that you need is what you're attracting. You need somebody to provide for you. So you're attracting the men who are providers, but they are not men. They're not men, they are lames with money, like that. That's just what it is.

Speaker 1: 19:39

And so you have to really figure out and get back into your word and figure out, like, what is God defining as a man of God? Because I mean, whoo, it's hard to find one out here in these streets. It's treacherous, like it really is treacherous. I really do think that it's so hard. And it's much harder now because we all have this false sense of reality that we have an abundance of options, whereas, like previously, whoever was in your hometown were options. You know you might go out there and see the world, you might meet someone new, but you don't have the luxury to be intimate with like eight different women in eight different cities and like try all eight of them out at the same time. But at the day and age that we live in now, it's just like that's normalized and so we're all subjecting ourselves to very loose loving relationships and so all of us are dying to get a hold of real love because everything is diluted, the pool has been pissed in and it's just so hard to get a grasp of like what is the real stuff? You know what is the real stuff like I want to know. I haven't felt it and I'm getting a glimpse of it now as I'm getting older, because I'm being very, very intentional about who I'm giving my heart to. I'm attracting much better because I've consulted what I was projecting as my needs.

Speaker 1: 21:18

I come from a single parent household and I was talking to my friend about this the other day and what she said was so profound for me because she said that a lot of people haven't experienced love. They haven't experienced love like I've experienced my mother's love. I've experienced my mother's care. I got both of those from her. I experienced my father's care, but I never experienced my father's love.

Speaker 1: 21:49

So for me and relationships, what I needed was for someone to come in and fill in the spaces and love me. That's what I wanted. But what I needed was for someone to just care for me, because that's what I was used to. And so I found myself, you know, falling into a relationship where there is this really nice guy and he does all these nice things and he cares for me and he, you know, we check in every day and it's all. You know, whatever else, but he loves me, you know, but like it wasn't the type of love that I needed. It wasn't the type of love that I'd ever experienced. I didn't know it, to know what it would feel like, but I knew that it wasn't it.

Speaker 1: 22:35

You get what I'm saying, and so for a lot of us I'm not going to speak on everybody's situation, but I feel like a lot of women from every community out there shoot, your dad might have been in the house, but he still didn't give you love are lacking in love from men. We haven't experienced real love from men, and so I'm going to implore you to explore the love of God. Explore what that feels like. I, when I tell you it is so unconditional, it is just so all and like. It's just like a warm embrace. It just comes at you like all at once and you just makes you smile and it just makes you really just think to yourself like, wow, how, how could I be so deserving of this type of love? And God's love isn't just, you know, theoretical.

Speaker 1: 23:31

God's love comes in the community that you have sometimes. You ever feel that sense of overwhelming like love and you're just like feeling like you're just being embraced from all corners and it's just all around you. That's God. When you're feeling the love, that's him. And I feel like, when you find a person and you're like dealing with them or whatever, it should feel like that. It should feel like you're feeling the love. You're feeling God's love. It's just like it. It wraps you up and you're just like, oh, this is amazing. This is like it swept me off my feet. I can't stop smiling all day. This man just let me so much and I love him too and it's just. You know, it's great. I feel like everyone is so deserving of that.

Speaker 1: 24:27

And it's sad because I dated in the first few years of my life looking for my reparations from the lack of love that I didn't get from my dad. And it's tough. It's so tough trying to unpack that and navigate that as you're dating because you're dating boys Like they're not gonna be able to carry the burden of something like that. But now that I am an adult and I'm unpacking for myself what that looks like, it's a tough reality but it's a real one. No man owes me my father's love, like no man can give me that. That's something that I never got and it's something that I would just have to learn to live with. But I can't punish every man that I meet for those things. It's just, it is what it is. I have to figure out what this new found love will feel like and define for myself what feels just right. And I feel like through multiple situations I'm starting to figure that out.

Speaker 1: 25:38

Like I really do want something that's unconditional, that wakes up in the morning it feels the same way about me, regardless of if I look beautiful and if I look bleh. Like I just want you to love me for me, not love me because I'm that girl, not love me because I have that girl radio and I'm doing this and I'm doing that. I want you to love me because I'm just me. If I lost all of this tomorrow, you would still love my dirty panties. Like I just want someone to love me for me, and that's really hard to come by.

Speaker 1: 26:11

But if you can think to yourself, you know how does my man describe me. I always ask a man that, like, when I'm dating them, you know, like, when you describe me, like, what do you say when you talk about me? How do you describe me? Because the way a man talks about you is very indicative about how he feels about you. I feel extremely loved if you can not only call out the qualities of like you know or the attributes of what I can do. Anybody can call that out. Oh, she's graphic designer, she does this, she does that. Okay, cool, like you're stating the obvious. But like speaking on my character, how I show up, how I make you feel, how I make others feel, like that is what makes me know that you truly love me. You don't love what I do, you don't love what I do for you. You don't like. You just love me. And until a man can do that and speak life into you and love you the way that God does, then it's just like keep him as a friend. Sis, like you can have friends.

Speaker 1: 27:20

It's okay to have platonic relationships. Everything does not have to be romantic. Every date you go on doesn't have to lead into a situation ship. You can simply explore meeting new people, getting to know them and just remain friends. Remove sex from the equation as much as you can. I'm not gonna judge anybody if you choose not to, but I promise you will give you a new found sense of clarity when it comes to people, because for women, once we add that into the equation, it's like you feel the pressure, especially when you're building a relationship with the person. You feel this quiet pressure to be with that person because you're being intimate with that person, and that is not the recipe for success. Trust me, don't be doing that. So if you really wanna explore something deeply with someone, just don't open your legs, you know. Don't be putting your golden egg in every basket, because that is just. It's not cute. Okay, keep your golden egg to yourself. Save it for the man that you think is him, and then come back to me and let me know the results. Girlies, but I really do help you guys enjoy today's chit chat session of unpacking. Is he him?

Speaker 1: 28:39

I know a lot of us want nothing but the best for ourselves this year in the love department, and it can be really hard navigating this portion of this here called life, because it's ghetto out here in these streets and I don't see it getting any better any sooner.

Speaker 1: 28:56

But as a woman of faith and as a woman of standard, I do think that we do have a lot of power, more power than we might know, and I think it will be our job to lead men back into the church. We need to start inviting them with us as we embark on our journeys in January to going back to church, to attending services, to watching online. Invite your friends, even just your male friends, invite your male cousins like. Invite all of them to start exploring a relationship with God because, I promise you, our community will start to look so much better, our love will start to look so much better, our children will start to look so much better, like everything will start to just blossom, because for anything to grow, it requires love. It just always does so if we can get this portion together, everything else will manifest better.

Speaker 1: 29:58

I love y'all. I really do hope y'all come back for tomorrow's episode bright and early in the morning and if you're not already subscribed to that girl radio, make sure to do so. We're not going anywhere, we're here all January, but 31 day is giving you your daily supplement to help you live your best life. So I love you, catch you tomorrow.