JanYouary: 8 Steps to Self Soothe and Calm Your Anxious Thoughts

As I navigate the twists and turns of managing anxiety, I've unearthed some life-altering strategies that I'm eager to pass along. Drawing from the wisdom of my mother, a seasoned therapist, I'll share the transformative power of positive affirmations and the courage to disrupt old patterns that hold us back from experiencing true freedom. Together, we'll venture beyond the glass box of anxiety, discovering how to face each day with a refreshed heart and mind.

Our environments shape us, but we also have the power to shape them. I delve into the emotional landscapes of our lives, examining how we can sprinkle joy into the spaces we inhabit—be it at work or during a solitary date with ourselves. By embracing the beauty of our own company and fostering opinions untainted by the crowd, we can unlock a world of creativity and connection. 

 From the simple act of touching grass to the bold steps of making independent decisions, I'll guide you on elevating your perspective and breaking free of your anxiety. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Hey guys and welcome back to that Girl Radio. It is your lovely host here, ricky Lee, also known as that Girl, and for today's episode of January, we are going to talk about how to self soothe and calm your anxious thoughts. As an anxious girl, I know all too well how living can feel like you are often inside of the smallest little amazon box and it's made of glass and you get to spectate everyone else around you living freely, doing as they please, coming and going and exploring all the things that you want to but are unable to because of your mind. Your mind, quite simply, is in front of you at all times and it's like a gate and it won't ever open because you yourself are holding it closed. And navigating the world in this sense is extremely hard, because all we do is move the glass box. We never remove ourselves from outside of the box. We continue to spectate and go from place to place with these crippling anxious thoughts and we think that we are exploring new things. Or we think that we are trying new things or we think that we have overcome and healed from the problems that are causing us to be anxious. But in all actuality, we have it. We are still living inside of the box and I am hoping that by the end of today's episode you pick up some of the habits as well as the techniques that can help you to self soothe and hopefully begin to open that gate and get outside of that glass box, because God did not call us to be anxious. He didn't call us to have anxiety and so many different things that a lot of people are dealing with these days. And as a daughter to a licensed therapist and I am so grateful for my mom because she has helped me a lot through a lot of my anxiety attacks and times where I am very troubled and my thoughts are really just in my way she always brings me back to center and she reminds me of the different things that I can do to help myself, even when she is not here. So I want to pass those tools and resources on to you as well and then give you a few of my own that have really helped me to start getting out of my own way, getting outside of that glass box and really starting to see what life has to offer To self soothing is disrupting your thoughts.

Speaker 1: 2:45

Dr Anna Bodner, a registered clinical psychologist, says that anxiety has a cyclical pattern that, if not interrupted, will run its course. And I know you've been there, you've been in an environment and you just continuously keep ruminating over a specific outcome. You think that this is going to happen, or like that could occur or that could occur. Or you're having a conversation with someone and you're like, oh my God, do they like me? Do they like me? Do they like me? Do they like me? Do they like me? And if you don't interrupt those thoughts, you're going to drive yourself crazy and I know you're going to, because I've done that to myself.

Speaker 1: 3:23

But Dr Bodner suggests reciting these positive phrases to disrupt your thoughts and bring you back to center. First one being even if I am feeling anxiety right now, it will pass. Even if this feels uncomfortable right now, it will come to an end soon. I can cope. I have been through difficult situations before. I am more than my anxiety. It is a state that will pass. I like all of these statements because they remind me that I am not my anxiety. I'm so much more than that. And being anxious is not a life sentence, right? It's not like a thing that I have to live with every single day. This is something that I can overcome. And even if it's just for a moment, it's giving you back the power to say, like, I can control my thoughts, I can control my mind and I will be able to feel safe soon. So, with that in mind, that helps you to come back to center and start to think of ways that you can help yourself navigate through the present. The next thing you need to do is also disrupt your patterns.

Speaker 1: 4:39

Many of us are anxious because we refuse to evolve. We refuse to move past our previous traumas, we refuse to move past what we've heard, what we've seen. And you have to realize that God is miraculous. He can change your circumstances like the snap of a finger. And so don't for a moment think that just because something hurt you in the past, that every single form of it will help you in the future. God often brings us new things and it's a test to see if you're ready for it.

Speaker 1: 5:16

And so many of us allow our anxiety to keep us from getting our blessings because we're not willing to move forward. You're not willing to move forward because you're thinking of the way you did it before. The way to move forward is to think about a way that you can do it differently. That's going to keep you safe. That's going to get you the outcome that you want. And when you start to focus on that and less on what, the effects or what came about the previous time, I promise you you're going to feel so much better, like I've been in certain environments where bad things have happened.

Speaker 1: 5:55

But that doesn't mean every time that I go into something like that, something bad is going to happen. It's just my anxious thoughts that overcome my mind and make me think of every single worst-case scenario and it allows me to not enjoy my present. It makes me completely think of, like, what is my escape plan? And I cannot wait to get out of here. And that puts you in a box, like you're never able to be present with the people who are around you, and it's just. It's not a good place to put yourself in right. So just learn to disrupt your patterns. Learn to go into spaces with love, knowing that you are a love magnet, that you are safe, that God is protecting you, that, even though you're entering this new relationship, that doesn't mean that previous problems have to permeate these circumstances. It can be fruitful, it can be beautiful, it can be loving and genuine, and you have to remove all those anxious thoughts, because really all it is is your past coming out and trying to remind you of who you once were and what you once went through, and you have to be willing to suppress those thoughts so that you can live proudly and profoundly in the now.

Speaker 1: 7:07

To do is create body awareness. Creating body awareness is something that requires going from the toes up and grounding yourself back into the world. Okay, it's easy to take yourself into your mind and live in that bubble, and the best way to get out of that is by thinking I feel my feet they're on the ground. Okay, I feel my legs they're on the ground. I feel my clothes, I feel the fabric, I feel my blood rushing through my fingers, and just grounding yourself back into the state of present. Because I've carried myself very far away from current circumstances as a defense mechanism and numerous occasions in my life, and what I thought was I was saving myself. But who was I saving myself from? Truly, because what I ended up doing was creating an internal monster. Because I wasn't willing to fight the things that were presently in front of me, I decided to create this monster in my mind and an internal fight, and it's really hard to beat that when you've been doing it for years.

Speaker 1: 8:34

And so what you have to do is quiet your mind and stop escaping to this far away place and think to yourself okay, I'm here, I'm in this moment, my feet are here, my legs are here, clothes are on my body, I can smell what's in the room, I can see people, I can see interactions. Like, I'm here, I'm in this moment, and what about? This moment reminds me of a previous moment, and why? And then also with this present moment, what is different? What's different? What are the people like? What's the environment like? And do you really think that what happened previously could occur in these circumstances? Do you have any without a doubt, any reason to believe that everything will happen the way that you think it will? And nine times out of ten, your response to that is going to be no, because there are so many crazy thoughts we have on a day to day that never come to fruition. So don't for a second think that your mind is your reality, because it's not, and that's why you have to do the exercise of grounding yourself, so that you can remind yourself that your mind is not your reality. Reality is your reality.

Speaker 1: 9:57

The next tip you can take is to be mindful. I have a whole be mindful journal and it always brings me back to center when I'm spiraling, because mindfulness consists of gently becoming aware of your thoughts, your feelings and your environment through a compassionate and observational lens. This is both subjective and objective. When I conduct my life audit which I've talked about numerous times on this podcast, but for anyone who's new, it's basically a census of all the things you are involved with your environment, the people that you interact with, listing them out and then categorizing them into a venn diagram that has circles for joy, pain and growth, and the overlapping areas are things that bring you two of the things, and the very middle is the things that are kind of complex in our lives, that bring us all three, and then in each of them are things that bring us solely just that solely happiness, solely joy, solely growth, solely pain, that type of thing. So when you do that, you're viewing your life Objectively like okay, these are the things I can list them off, but then the subject of portion is attributing feelings to them and Through that audit is how you touch all three the thoughts, the feelings and the environment. My current environment is being in school, being in Columbus, and Both of these things are bringing me growth, but they're also bringing me pain, and so, because it's nuanced in that way, I Can figure out what is my out like this is it's not making me anxious per se, but it's not making me happy. It's not in the joy category. So, like, how do I get it between joy and growth? And the attributes of being in Columbus and being in school is that I'm learning and I want to continue my learning Season, but I don't think it should be here. And you see how, in that instance, I was able to objectively view the things that I'm in but also add a subjective component of how it makes me feel.

Speaker 1: 12:14

So many of us are like I Don't like this or like I hate my job. But like why? Like what? What does your job make you feel at the end of the day? Does it make you feel not seen? Does it make you feel invalidated, not heard? Do you feel like you're powerless? Do you feel like you're not able to be creative?

Speaker 1: 12:35

Like, what is the feelings that are attributed to the spaces that you're occupying? And, if they're very negative, either assess the ways that you can remove yourself and have a graceful exit from those environments or figure out the ways in which you can Change the way you're showing up, because a lot of times, like I said, this glass box theory as an anxious person, we occupy these spaces but we're not truly interacting in them, and the reason why it's bringing you so much pain is because you're not being able to Live and breathe in these environments the way in which you could if you didn't have anxiety, and so when you put into place being mindful and all the other steps previously, you start to see yourself breaking down the gates and starting to like Just inhabit the spaces that you've always been in, but you never really spoke up in. You never really spoke out, advocated for yourself or Amess yourself in the culture to be able to change things, and so for me, there's not much that I can do as far as school is concerned, but there was something that I could do as far as Columbus was concerned, and I learned to amesh myself in professional community as well as communities that involve women that are young, so that I could get a different experience from the circles that I was Intertwining myself in at school, and this has helped with my anxiety, because I'm no longer anxious about navigating friendships or Sisterhood or womanhood or anything like that, because I've given myself a different way to play. Right, we're all the same characters, but in games, right, there are different worlds that you can go into and it changes the game for you. There are different skins that you can take on. That changes the game for you. And I think that life ultimately is some sort of like a game, and when you want to have Joy within it, when you want to get excitement from it, sometimes you have to find those ways to improve your game so that you can live more Joyful and just feel more excited about the day-to-day and like conquering it.

Speaker 1: 14:53

And for me, my new skin has been really diving into the professional world here. My new skin has been getting up every day and doing self-care. My new skin has been wholeheartedly Taking radical responsibility for the little things so that, in the grand scheme, everything starts to fall into place the way I wanted to, because I'm being very intentional. My skin I didn't like it. So I started doing my routine, no matter how tired I am, every single night and make sure to wash all my makeup off, because my pores were clogged and I'm like why are my pores so clogged, girl? You ain't washing your face consistently. You're going to bed sometimes and you're not washing off your makeup because you're so tired, but you can't do that. So what are the new skins that you can put on in the new environments that you can unlock for yourself so that you can live a more joyful and joy filled life? And that's what being mindful is. Being mindful is figuring out the paths that can take you to where you want to be.

Speaker 1: 15:59

The next thing you can do To self soothe is one of my favorites, and that's taking yourself out on a date or just being your own date. I Love hanging out with me. I feel like I'm so fun, I feel like I'm so curious and I feel like I am so observant. I love people watching, and so going out with myself often looks like exploring new places and Columbus. In the past two years since I moved off campus, I have found so many of my own favorites and I've created my own perspective on what Columbus looks like.

Speaker 1: 16:41

So many of us are anxious because we're looking at the world through other people's lenses. We're allowing other people to define our favorites. We're allowing other people to define what our experiences are with different places and people and spaces, and so how can you Really say that you don't like something if you never experience it yourself? How can you say that there's nothing of this in your life when you yourself didn't go out there to explore and find out? And I'm at a point in my life where I'm no longer Allowing people to define what my experiences are going to be like. I'm gonna go figure it out myself. Now it's different when it's coming from wise counsel. Don't ignore the people around you who love you and, you know, have experienced things before you. But even then, I'm just saying like your experience is not always gonna be my experience, like it might have been bad for you, but it it likely may not be bad for me, and if it Will, I mean let the cards play out as they may, but for me I'm gonna go out and see for myself and Exploring Columbus in the way in which I have, because I like and nicer things and I like to go to places that are not conventionally what many of my peers might like to do.

Speaker 1: 18:03

I've found a newfound Perspective and love for the city because there is so much to do. It's just different than what the average college student would probably like to Immerse themselves into. But because I like taking fun workout classes and stuff, I've been able to find several new studios and like meet wonderful women and Just and mesh myself in different environments that I otherwise wouldn't be able to. Because I wanted to craft community first before Making my own Experiences. And I think that's what makes anxious people so anxious, because we constantly think I need community first. That's gonna help me navigate the new places. But no, what you need first is experience perspective. Define that for yourself and then find the community. You'll find the community there while you're in the pursuit of figuring out what your worldly perspective will be and Especially as a young woman, you have to craft those perspectives for yourself. I was just talking to my friend dynasty about how Important it is for me to be a well-traveled woman.

Speaker 1: 19:12

So many people have perspectives on what it's like to be in Vegas, what it's like to do Atlanta, what it's like to do Chicago, what it's like to do New York, and I will give a perfect example of what it's like to do New York. A lot of people who aren't city frequenters Don't like New York because when they go, they'll go based on what everyone else Tells them to do. So they'll go to Times Square, they'll go to Manhattan, they'll go to Fidei, and while all of those places are very unique and definitely Photogenic, I will say that my experience of New York and my love for it came from my own perspective and exploring Parts outside of that, and had I allowed people's perspectives of the city Help me navigate, I wouldn't be able to know that that's where I want my home base to be. I Explored everything but Manhattan, times Square and Fidei. I frequented in Brooklyn, I stayed in Bed-Stuy and I just found a newfound respect for the city because I got to see it from the locals' eyes, and that's my perspective.

Speaker 1: 20:30

On travel period, yes, it's cool to go by the places that are touristy Everyone's seeing them cool but I think it's very, very important to figure out your own perspective by trying out different stuff. I went out there and I went to just about every borough. I got to formulate my own opinions on each of them and that's what's given me a very unique Ricky Lee perspective that I can say okay, because I know now I can have a well-informed opinion and so many of us are looking for everyone else's opinions around us to guide us in this life, and that's why we're so anxious. Especially when you go to different people and they all have a different opinion, it's like, oh well, what do I do? And that makes deciding even harder. And I find often that people that are anxious are also extremely indecisive, and you wait for people around you to decide for you. And don't you think compounding that type of process for decision making is going to ultimately guide you to a place that you never even intended to be, because you never decided for yourself what you want or you never took the initiative to figure out what's out there for you that's actually for you? So be willing to be mindful and assess the things around you and assess how they make you feel, so that you can formulate your own unique perspective to help you guide yourself through this life.

Speaker 1: 22:09

The next thing you'll have to do is touch grass. I don't mean that in a literal sense, but it's really odd to me that this generation is so outside, but we're never outside. You know what I'm saying. Like, touching grass can be as simple as taking a walk around your block and being mindful of the trees and the sky and the birds and the people that pass you by, like that's what touching grass means to me.

Speaker 1: 22:38

When I was living in New York, I touched grass so much, even though there was no grass for real lots of asphalt. I touched grass every day on my way to work. I would catch the train and I would have to see all of these people and interact with them. I would often walk up and down the block and find like little mom and pop shops to shop in. I went and got my hair braided at an African shop that was across the street. I got my nails done at one that was right next door.

Speaker 1: 23:07

Like I was in the streets and it wasn't just for social reasons or for beauty reasons, it was truly to grasp a perspective on what was happening around me. What did it feel like to be a New Yorker? And my cousin said to me she's like you've explored this city, and specifically my block, in ways that I never have, and I've lived here for years as I was staying with her. And when I tell you how liberating and freeing it is to get outside of your little glass box and be willing to actually interact and amess yourself in the environments you're in, I was not anxious at all. I feel like when I lived in New York, actually that was the most free I had ever been, because I had no patterns. I had no true formulated opinions about the things around me or anyone else truly to tell me what I should or should not be doing. So I really got to experience all that New York had to offer from my own perspective and that's what made it so special, and, I think, so many of us, because we may be living in our hometown or our home city or our home state.

Speaker 1: 24:24

You feel like you know everything because you've just heard everything. But, babe, you don't know. Touch grass, go out there, explore meet new people, go new places, visit the places that are right next door to you, make sure to be intentional about having conversations with your neighbors and being neighborly, like that's how you touch grass, because stopping and taking the time out of your day to do something that's outside of the norm is what helps you to evolve and to change. And as anxious people, we're often extremely habitual. We just stick by what we know because we're so afraid that something else that we try might be a trigger, and that's what's limiting you and at this point I want to be free. I don't know about you, but I want to be free. So I've been very intentional about breaking up my day to day with different things that can provide me some spice, because I don't know about y'all, but I don't want to live a vanilla life Like. I want some spice and spontaneity, something that will enliven me on the regular, because work can be very redundant, so can school, so can the conversations in both of those places, in places. So why not switch it up for yourself? But because you're anxious, you're afraid. I want you to stop being so scared, because you never know what beauty or what grace can come out of these different experiences.

Speaker 1: 25:57

I think you can do is weighing it down, and what I mean is using weighted blankets, weighted hoodies, weighted hugs, like all types of different weighted things to help you get a sense of groundedness and also Just ease your anxiety or depression. Weighted blankets are quite simply Like the man you don't have, like you can. Just the weighted blanket can cuddle up with you and Keep you grounded and make you feel loved, even though there's no one currently in bed with you, loving on you, and that's just like a little fun tidbit. You can find weighted blankets on like Amazon or even at like your local, little like world market and stuff, like they have really good ones and I personally used to have one and I don't have one anymore and I'm like missing it so much, because weighted blankets truly just add a sense of safety that I can't explain it, but it just makes you feel safe. So if you don't have one and you find that at night you're very anxious and you can't get sleep, like, try buying a weighted blanket. I promise you it'll make you feel safe and you'll get a lot better rest.

Speaker 1: 27:17

The last thing I'm going to give you guys and then I'll let you go is to turn down the noise. Okay, especially if you're neurodivergent. Turn down the noise, and I mean that in a literal and metaphorical sense. Okay, some of us have so much going on around us, there's so much unnecessary Stimuli and our spaces. You've got all types of noise. You've got people talking, you've got school talking, your advisors talking, everybody's talking at you and no one's really listening, and At that point you need to just turn down the noise. Somebody's got to be put on mute Okay, because you can't take information From all places all at once and ever feel like you're going to be at peace, your mind is going to constantly be at war, trying to Just decipher what's the best piece of advice, because anxious people often, always, are asking for advice because I'm, I'm that girl, I'm her, and that doesn't necessarily help all the time. Turn down the noise and turn you up. Turn you up and listen to what you have to say, listen to your thoughts, listen to your mind. Ground yourself back into that, tap into God. Figure out what he's trying to say and say to you so you can figure out what's the best way to navigate your current circumstances.

Speaker 1: 28:44

And, in a literal sense, when you do have lots of music and TV and this and it's not going on around you, have you ever like been in a In public and there's just like so much going on? It's like a TV on it's music going on in the back, especially at these bars now, like they'll have TVs on with like movies or shows on Music playing, people talking, somebody's yelling, like it's just way too much for me, it's way too much stimuli. I feel extremely overwhelmed and I want more than anything to just go into a quiet corner and gather my thoughts. And so, if you're that type of person, sometimes the best thing you can do is just removing yourself from that environment Just for a little hot second. Like I just went to an influencer event a couple days ago and they had these flashing cameras, everyone's talking, its music playing. It was like people were moving around. It was just like way too much stimuli for me.

Speaker 1: 29:39

I was starting to get anxious and I also wasn't feeling very well and I was feeling like my head, I had like sensations in my head and my eye was twitching that morning because I was stressed. I don't know what I was stressed about, but apparently I was stressed. I think it was sleep deprivation, but I don't know. My eye kept twitching so that was like Throwing me into a frenzy. So I'm looking up on my phone while I'm sitting at the table, like stroke symptoms, and I went to the bathroom and I just like I got some water. I went to the bathroom and I just tried to tell myself, like you're okay, you're fine, like God's with you. You're supposed to be at this event having a good time networking with people like you'll be fine.

Speaker 1: 30:18

But even being willing to take myself out of that situation was a lot of progress for me, because sometimes, as that girl, you feel like you always have to keep it together, but it's okay to have to go somewhere and collect yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. Like it's okay to be a mess, it's okay to feel like your mind is spiraling and you don't know what to do, because there's a lot of things that we battle that aren't Going to be physically present, and that's our mind as anxious women. So it's okay to go to the bathroom, collect yourself, get yourself a glass of water. I think also like the drinks, because it was a martini brand that I was at an event for and I was just a little anxious about having to Um sample the drinks. I didn't know if there were expectations that we like really need to like drink them or like drink them, continue drinking them for the photos and whatnot. And y'all know like I'm not someone who likes to drink several drinks, like I'm a one drink, two drink cap type of girl.

Speaker 1: 31:20

So I was kind of anxious about that and I was just like thinking, and I'm just like Ricky, just relax, like the lady who invited you here is so sweet, everyone here is so nice, like just have a good time. Just because your experience with drinking in the past has been this type of way doesn't mean that it has to be that way this time. Just allow yourself to experience this one moment at a time. So I went to the bathroom, collect to myself, drink some water. I called my mom. I talked to my sister like I got to see people that I loved. They were like you're fine, it's genetic. Like my mom was. Like my eye twitch is too. Like it's just when my mirror's a bad. Like you'll be fine, just drink some water, do this, do that. And that really helped ground me and bring me back to center, because I was willing to turn down the noise, remove myself from the stimuli that was driving me crazy and just saw, and sometimes that's all you need is just a little woo saw.

Speaker 1: 32:13

So I hope you guys enjoyed today's episode on how to self soothe and calm your anxiety and If you think any of your friends or family could use some of the tips from today's podcast, make sure to send this episode to them. I'm sure they will appreciate it so much. And if you're not already following the podcast on instagram at that girl radio, make sure to do so and to follow your lovely house here, ricky Lee, at Ricky Lee dot. Go on instagram and at the Ricky Lee on tiktok. I love you guys and I will catch you tomorrow.