That’s Not Your Friend

After experiencing a painful breakup with a close friend, I learned some invaluable lessons about toxic friendship dynamics. In this heartfelt episode, I share my raw and emotional journey, delving into the seven archetypes of women who may appear as friends but act otherwise. We explore the importance of aligning actions with words and the difficult decision to love someone from a distance for our own personal growth. Join me as we navigate the complexities of friendships and discover how to surround ourselves with uplifting relationships that truly have our best interests at heart. Discover the difference between 'placeholders' and 'pillars' in our inner circle and learn how to cultivate relationships that plant seeds of purpose, encouragement, and confidence.

 Tune in for an empowering and heartfelt conversation about seeking and maintaining enriching relationships while staying true to our own journeys.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Hey guys, welcome back to that Girl Radio. It is your lovely host here, ricky Lee, also known as that Girl, and you are tuned in to your weekly supplement to help you design and live your best life. And on that Girl Radio we are all about being women of progress. And as a woman of progress, that looks like often shedding skin, and if you are very familiar with the transformative seasons in life, often when we are shedding skin we shed the people that we know and love, many of the people we befriended and often started to call family. And so for today's episode, I want to unpack the nuances of the six archetypes of women that are, in fact, not your friend. To know sisterhood is to know that it does not have to look like strife, it does not have to look like conflict consistently, it does not have to look like envy or hatred or jealousy. It looks like the uplifting and the love and the genuine care for the well-being of the next woman.

Speaker 1: 1:25

And so I want to call out, one by one, each of these six types of women that you may have encountered that are, in fact, not your friend. And I know it's hard. I know it's difficult to do away with the people that you've done life with, that you've learned yourself with. You know, it's always fun to reminisce on who you once were with this person and who you both have become. But sometimes we outgrow people, sometimes we outgrow spaces, sometimes we even just outgrow the relationship, and that is okay. But what's not okay is to overstay your welcome and to overstay your space in someone's life, because, as the big, bold and beautiful person that you are, you cannot afford to put yourself in small spaces that are lacking appreciation for you. So let's just dive straight into it. Friendship breakups are one of those things that are just so hard. They're so hard.

Speaker 1: 2:32

I experienced one of the biggest friendship breakups I've had in like the past four years this past October, and it was very tough. It was very rough and it was something that I thought was life-shaking. Not ending, but like. It definitely rattled me a bit because I thought that I had finally gotten to a point where I understood how to pick. Well, I thought my radar and my perception of people and my ability to read people and their intentions had gotten so sharp that, surely enough, I am only surrounding myself by the best of the best, people that have the best of intentions for me the best. You know intentions for themselves and they're going after the best in life, and so I should be good, I should be covered. Betrayal is something that I shall never experience again, because I've picked the highest caliber of women to be at my table.

Speaker 1: 3:35

But then I was faced with a scenario where someone's actions and the things in which they were saying were not aligned. The way in which they said they were moving on my behalf didn't directly correlate with the things that they were doing and or the things that they were saying, and so it called into question for me am I able to trust myself and my own judgment? And that happens a lot, not just in friendships, but also in dating and courtship. We meet people. They put on a beautiful front how everyone else knows them and perceives them as great, how you know them and perceive them as great, but then you're fronted with a situation that calls into question their character and their morale and you have to sit there and say, hmm, something's not adding up. I've always known them to be this way, to be stand up and amazing and loving and supportive, but in this instance it is the direct opposite and it makes you question so many different instances where you all have interacted, if there were ever signs of this behavior. And when I started to think back on my relationship with this person, I started to see that the behaviors or the things that were existed, that were exhibited in this scenario, were never, ever directed at me, particularly in previous instances, but the behaviors and the attitude were present prior. You get what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 5:07

So often we, in the pursuit of love and care for the people that we surround ourselves with, are blind to who they truly are. We're blind to the things that they do, we're blind to the way in which they show up. Because we have built up a tolerance for them just being them, we say, oh, that's just how she is. You decide, in dealing with them in a relationship or dealing with them in a friendship, that that's just who they are and I'm going to love and accept them for who they are. But at what point do we start to question if just who they are is corrupt, if just who they are is selfish, if just who they are is someone who does not have your best interest at heart? And when do you say, okay, I love you, but I'm now going to love you from a distance, because that is not what a friend would do. And you are not my friend. And in doing that you start to grieve your person because you realize, man, who I'm dealing with is not who I once knew, or maybe I was never dealing with who I thought I was, because now you're reminiscing over every interaction that you once had and you realize that the portrayal was always there, the selfishness was always there, the envy was always there, all these things that you have noticed in their patterns and their behavior. That was blown up in this specific scenario, or several scenarios, but you're like, wow, it was evident this entire time. So we're going to go down the line of the six different types of friends that I'm going to identify and, if you can feel this, if the shoe fits man, like on the next episode, we may just have to dissect how we can give you a graceful exit, because you don't have to always argue to end a friendship or you don't always have to necessarily have a conversation to end a friendship. I think it's just a decision, it's a choice to now demote that person and move accordingly. Everything doesn't take a big scenario, but in some instances it may.

Speaker 1: 7:32

First and foremost, we have the secretly obsessed friend. This is someone who knows everything about you before you even spare the details. It's almost unsettling because she or he is someone who really admires you but will never be willing to just straight up say that, right, they admire what you have going on, they know all of the details, but they bring it up in such a manner that's like slightly twisted. They know the true narrative but will always present it something like something else, like, yeah, I know you got this little thing going on, how's that? And it's like it's not little. And I never talked to you about that, you know like we never discussed that. But if you would like to know more details, that's fine. But the secretly obsessed friend is something that you should be very, very weary of, because as I get older, I realize that there is a very thin line between friendship and obsession.

Speaker 1: 8:45

Ship Okay, friendship we can share deep, intimate thoughts, we can share secrets, we can do all of that. But when it comes to a point where I am sharing and I am being much more vulnerable than you in spaces, it becomes as though like a Joe and the first character on the show that he was stalking. He knew so much about her, and she knew very little about him, and you have to be very weary of circumstances like that, because then it calls into question what are your true intentions? Why do you want to know so much but are willing to share so little? That's not a situation that is safe for you.

Speaker 1: 9:25

This is someone who is or keeping note of all of your faults. They're keeping note of all of your wrongdoings. They're keeping note of all of your flaws, all of your insecurities, and all of these things are keeping note of it so that they can use it someday against you. You get what I'm saying. They watch and they observe very closely, not to be helpful, but actually to be harmful, and these are not the type of women that you want to keep in your corner. These are the kind of women that you need to be very, very weary of and deal with at arms length, because the secretly obsessed friend is someone who, low key, wants to be you. They will never say that outright, but they observe so much of your life it's like they're immersed into it, they're living for the plot, and they actually listen to you as if, though, your life is a reality TV series for them, and that is one of the most hurtful things you can ever experience is like your life is the drama for them. They're so obsessed with what you've got going on because in most instances the obsessed friend often has nothing going for themselves because they're so busy immersed in your business. So be very weary of that kind of woman.

Speaker 1: 10:50

The second kind of woman is the evil twin friend. This is very close to the secretly obsessed friend, but the evil twin is someone who observes everything that you do. She wants to do it just like you, but she's not willing to ever sing your praises or say to you oh wow, I love what you've got going on. Oh wow, like I love that you're doing this. Can you show me how to do it? They would much rather talk about you amongst other people and talk about everything that you've got going on, wondering why you've got that going on, but not be willing to come to the source and just simply ask hey, how do I do what you do? They will much rather run you dry and make you question what you're doing when in all actuality they want to be doing it too. They want to be doing it too, they think it's cool, and so they will poke at who you are poke at the way that you dress, poke at the way that you do your makeup. You just do your makeup every day. I don't know how you do it, girl, I could never. That takes way too long. When, instead, you really like the fact that I make myself up every day and you really want me to show you how I do it, but because you feel like my shine is the dimming of your light, you're unwilling to ask me to help.

Speaker 1: 12:27

It's really weird. It's very small instances where it's like oh, she's not completely hating, because she's not saying like my makeup looks bad, but it's like she's saying to you you do your makeup every day. She could never. Because she just doesn't understand when in all actuality, she just wants to learn, she wants to be like you, but she's afraid to admit that she admires you. Same with clothes oh, like that's so cute. I can't believe you paid so much money for that. That's ridiculous. But we'll be online after she's with you trying to figure out how she can get it for either cheaper, or find out or figure out how you got it, how you attained it, because it's just so mind-boggling to her that you could have something like that.

Speaker 1: 13:18

It's very small, weird instances. But that is an evil twin. That is, someone who perceives everything that you have and has a sick and twisted manner of viewing it, because they cannot wrap their mind around how you are, who you are. They are going to spend a lifetime as your friend trying to figure out how to bottle up the fragrance that you give off because it's so Magnetic. And, for the life of them, they're never gonna ask you to give you the sauce or the recipe, because that would just that would just be too easy, right? They want to be evil and conniving about it and be like mmm, she always giving off blah, blah, blah, like okay, to her other friends, but when she's around you she loves it, but when she's around other people she's like I just don't get it, like Huh, like I'm around her all the time and it just doesn't really give that. You know, oh, one in it's love, but on the other end it's hate. It's a very thin line between the two, with that evil twin friend.

Speaker 1: 14:28

Moving on to number three, you have the always Pessa, mystic friend. Oh, my goodness and girlhood. I have experienced these women and I am so sorry to the, the ladies that I have unfriended because of this, because I think I, I feel like this is more of a thing that you have to develop patience, but I am not one who likes to surround myself with people who are always pessimistic. I believe there's so much power in the tongue, power in your thoughts, and when you view everything from such a negative light, it makes you a negative person. And who wants to be around a negative? Nancy? I mean, it gets old, it really does.

Speaker 1: 15:15

I am one who, like if you call me three times in a row During the week talking about the same situation and you have yet to figure out what your solution is or your perspective Still hasn't changed, I'm exhausted with the conversation and I am less likely to pick up the phone because I just cannot stand someone that is always Emotionally charged with negativity, like nothing ever brings you joy, and Even if nothing is ever bringing that person joy, they never even take the initiative to go out and find it, to seek it in different ways, in different spaces and different people. They just are so stuck in their ways that they don't even know how to get themselves out of the negativity. They're just like comfortable in it and it gets old. It really gets old and anytime you're dealing with a pessimistic person, they will kind of victimize themselves often and be like well, you know like I got this going on and that going on and blah, blah. Babe, I got those things going on too.

Speaker 1: 16:19

You know like I have bad days as well, but I am really big on on Reserving my energy, especially my negative energy, and not projecting that onto the women that are around me, because I Really want to be able to uplift them. And as friends, of course, we hold space for one another and we are anchors, and so if you have an issue, if you have a problem, I want to be able to help you with that. I want to be a listening ear. I want to be whatever it is that you need in that moment. I don't always have to give you a solution.

Speaker 1: 16:53

However, I am not a person that wants to deal with someone that that likes to be stuck. I don't have a tolerance for that, and there are a lot of women and a lot of friendships that I see that have tons of turmoil because one friend is like she's living a life with God or the other friend is living a life of the world and obviously the person who is living a life of the world is going to have a lot of turmoil and and Often pessimistic views, because a lot of things continue to just kind of quote-unquote happen to them, when all actuality is just like God is just trying to smack you in your face with so many different things so you can choose the right way, and so there's a lot of Strife in those sort of relationships and I know many of you who are listening right now can relate to that. So that's when you have to call into question what type of women are you choosing To having your corner? What type of women are you choosing to give a seat, a seat at your table? Because for me, I don't have many women that I honestly call my friend and it's because I am very particular about my energy that is around me.

Speaker 1: 18:05

I can't listen to so many conversations that are extremely negative, especially when it deals with other people, your circumstances, that you are not willing to change. I think there is something very special and there is something so admirable about a woman who is radically responsible for the things that happen in her life. Yes, as a believer, I believe that nothing is circumstantial, right Like. Everything happens for a reason, and much of that is not by our own Doing right, but at the end of the day, we have free will. At the end of the day, we choose to do what we do and that has an effect when your life. That has an effect on your mental health, that has an effect on your money, that has an effect on your spirituality, doesn't? It has an effect on everything. You affect everything, and so if your mindset is trash and In me being your friend, that's not uplifting you to be better or to do better or to change, I don't have enough patience or Space for someone like that in my life. We can be associates, we can kick it, we can key key over brunch, but like would you be in my wedding? No. Would you be able to come over my house and just one down with me? No, like. That's just not the type of space that I would want a pessimistic person in, because your energy affects my home.

Speaker 1: 19:44

When things start to feel eerie after you leave, like I don't think I want you coming back, and so you have to realize that you are the average of your closest five friends. If your closest five friends are secretly obsessive, evil twins, always pessimistic, competitive, always is somebody else's business boy, crazy or possessive, like these qualities are dragging you down, and in the next episode I'm going to talk about what's holding you down. Do you have placeholders or do you have pillars? And all of these Women that are sitting here at this table today that we're saying we're getting rid of are placeholders. These are not women who are going to be pillars in your life. These are individuals who may have the best of intentions, maybe truly kind-hearted individuals and loving and truly love you, but their actions Do nothing but the opposite. They give. They hate you right because they don't know how to deal with someone like you, and that's okay. That's okay. Not everyone is meant to be in and of your space. You deal with them at a distance.

Speaker 1: 21:00

And so, for the pessimistic people, especially when you're in a space of healing, when you're in a space of growth and manifestation and you are just on your woman of progress journey and you have someone that's consistently reminding you of where you've been, where you've come from and that where you've come from, people don't do stuff that way. That's not what you need to hear. You need to hear Seeds being planted into your garden daily. You need to be reminded of the of the goodness of God and how his merciful hands are all up in your life and just moving and shaking Things around. You need people who are going to affirm you on the daily and plant, instead of seeds of doubt, seeds of purpose, seeds of encouragement, seeds of confidence. And Pessimistic women are not able to do that because they are projecting the lack that is within them. They're not able to project the abundance that you need, the vitality that you need, the prosperity that you need, because they are lacking of those very things and their own lives. And so, if you want more, you have to find people who are optimistic, that are looking for more and they're going to be able to bring that into your life, because that's what they project, that's what they radiate, is the goodness of God, is the grace, is the mercy, is the favor, because To know favor is to know that favor is not fair. And if you surround yourself by pessimistic individuals, they will see nothing but the favor of God on your life as Something that is just so unfair, and they will start to envy you.

Speaker 1: 22:41

The fourth woman is the competitive friend. This is someone who constantly looks at the achievements in your life as markers for the lack of success in their own, and this in and of itself is extremely problematic, and I often find that the root of this starts in a home where there are siblings that you are often measured up against. Anyone who believes they are in competition with their friends are either an only child or they have several siblings that they were constantly measured up against and often they were losing, and this is so unfortunate, and I thank God every day for the mother that I had, because she never put my sister up against. We were equally great in different ways and my mother was very strategic about this because I could dance, but I was not a dancer. My sister was a dancer. She competitively danced at our performing school we went to and I did vocal and drama, and so we both had performances that our family showed up to, and at no point did anyone say, oh wow, blah blah blah, it's just so good at this and blah blah blah, it's just so much better at this.

Speaker 1: 24:03

It was never any moment for anything like that, because we each owned our own thing and, I think, because I had that healthy development of ownership of my creativity, ownership of the things that I was good at, and it was never, in comparison to any specific person in my house, I was able to healthily develop my confidence in who I am and what I bring to the table. And I know that's very difficult if you grew up in a house with multiple dancers and your sister just so happens to be so much better than and so every day, if you're going into dance and your sister's getting praised and you're not like, that's kind of hard to deal with. I get it. But at what point do you start to carve out your own lane that you're living in and thriving? And when you look at women like this, they often fail to have their thing. Going on that they can succeed it Because for me I, while I can dance, I was not thin, I was not very small.

Speaker 1: 25:09

That is a baseline requirement for a ballet traditionally trained dancer. So to avoid that sort of embarrassment, to avoid being ostracized daily and classes and being told that I'm not enough, I chose to put myself in spaces where I would be told that I am, and at no point did I feel like I was in competition with any person in the vocal room, because I knew that my only job was to sound good as me. I mean, okay, one choir, one sound, but at the end of the day, I still did my own vocal training, I still was developing my own sort of taste in music and all this stuff like and even outside of that. Once I got to high school and I wasn't playing sports, I went to a school where you know to be socially cool and popular and stuff most of the time even to develop friendship groups, you needed to be a part of a sports team. I'm not athletic guys, so I carved out my own lane. Instead of trying to force myself into spaces where, again, I would be ostracized and I would be made to feel like I was not enough, I chose to build my own table and my own team. That was all of one. It was me, the lighter, the producer, the editor, the writer, the everything. And I developed my YouTube channel and that was my place to shine.

Speaker 1: 26:44

And so when you have a competitive friend, just think about what she's got going on. Often she ain't got nothing going on. She's so busy trying to grasp a hold of what you've got going on and understand why your life is on the trajectory that it is that she fails to put into place something that can put her and catapult her to where she needs to be. And if you are the competitive friend, if you're listening, you feel like you're constantly looking to your friend's successes as the signal that you are failing in your own life. You need to look inward. You need to look both inward and outward. Look inward at you and figure out what's lacking and why do you feel that way, and also look outward to the opportunities that you can capitalize off of and make something of yourself. And it does not have to be directly correlated to what is being successful for your friend, because everyone is running their own marathon. Get what I'm saying. Stop trying to put yourself in the 5k when you need to just be worrying about walking around the track for right. You see what the next person has got going on, but you don't know what it took them to get there. So same for you. She sees what you've got going on, but she doesn't know what it took to get there.

Speaker 1: 28:06

And it's often frustrating because when you are a person who is so firmly like, founded on good principles and love and care and kindness to the people around you, it's frustrating to know that someone could feel like they could ever be in competition with you, because it's just like, babe, if there's anything that you wanted to know, if there's anything that you needed, like, I would be willing to give you that, because a girl's girl is not a gatekeeper Like by any means. If you wanted to know how to get it, I could give you the sauce. But at the same time, the common denominator is that this is my life, this is the favor that God has over my life. I can't give you the sauce for that, babe. Like, that is something entirely different.

Speaker 1: 28:57

And when you're moving, not by sight but by faith, it is very, very hard for people to grasp how you have attained a lot of the things that you have. And it is not up to you to explain that to anyone. It's not up to you to explain the miracles that God is working within your life, because if it was explainable, I mean everybody would have it. You get what I'm saying. So surround yourself with people who understand that miracles are real, that understand that favor is real, to understand that when God is in your life, things will not make, things will happen and you will just be like wow. But instead of them being like wow, and why, they will be like wow, I am so proud, I'm so excited. I want to scream when can we go? Like, can we go to lunch? Like, what can I do? Like I just want to celebrate this moment with you, instead of individuals looking at the milestone and saying, okay, like I got to get on my peas and cubes because she's here and I'm still here, and I don't like that. Like that's not what friendship is about.

Speaker 1: 30:12

Friendship is about genuine celebration and genuine uplifting of one another, because you reaching higher heights does not mean that I'm getting left behind. It's meaning that we're both unlocking a new level. You can see things that I cannot, and you can forecast what's happening and give me insights on how to make it there. Because this is the thing. Friendship is in no way, shape or form, gatekeeping. If anything, you are the key holder, and when each one of us takes it to the next level, we hold the keys to be able to unlock doors for one another. And so who am I to think that I'm in competition with my friend who is a lawyer, or in competition with my friend who is another digital marketer, and be envious of the things that she has got going on? If anything, I'm celebrating what she's got going on, because she holds the keys and the answers to so many different things that can take me to my next level and in celebrating of one another, we can all be key holders and we can exchange information, ideas and, first and foremost, genuinely hold space for us to be vulnerable and loving and caring, and that's what it's all about.

Speaker 1: 31:34

The fifth friend is the friend that's always in somebody else's business. I mean, she honestly could be working for Hollywood, unlocked or like your city's gossip page, because she has so much inside scoop and information on everyone's lives in this tri-state area. It's concerned because why would you think that I am the person that you should be calling to divulge all this information to? I have no stake, interest or desire for this information. Like, write it on a blog, babe. I don't know why you're calling me to talk about this type of stuff, and one thing I'm trying to do in the year of 2024 is to limit the amount of gossip that I do.

Speaker 1: 32:26

We do it so blindly and just like oh it's whatever, it's just discussing and catching up on things. But I think it's very harmful and nonproductive to just sit around and talk about individuals that are not present, and I am someone who is often the topic of discussion when I am not present, and it is very uncomfortable to be told the things that are said about me when I am not present. I respect people for not being willing to say those things to my face, because, of course, why would you? But at the same time, it's uncomfortable to know that you are the topic of discussion when you're not present. And if you know that that's the way that you would feel about something like that, then you don't be the person to start that type of conversation. And so I'm really starting to take notice of what the center of my conversations are.

Speaker 1: 33:27

And if it's constantly other people with a specific person because they have nothing going on in their lives or nothing really productive or positive to discuss, then I know that I need to start limiting conversation with them because it lacks substance. And, as a woman of progress, what I want to have is conversation of substance. Now, it's always fun to have a key key and laugh and do whatever else, like, I'm not saying that we're not allowed to do that, but, babe, if every time we talk, we're talking about what's happened with little John and little Joe and little James, I'm just, I'm confused, I'm confused. And when you want to have like great women in your corner, realize that great women are just sitting around talking about their women. They're just not Like, they're really not. I promise you they're not.

Speaker 1: 34:25

So find something productive to talk about and try to realign the conversation to something else. And if it's not working with that person, if it always has to circle back to someone else's business, then no, no, no, no, no, no. Because what's that's going to turn into? Is you being the topic of discussion when you are not around, you being at the topic of discussion amongst their other friends. In the very way in which they discuss other people, they're doing the same thing about you and nothing is being left unscathed. So just know that you are not safe with this sort of individual. Your dark secrets, your vulnerability, the things that you share with them, all of that is like on the table and it is the topic of discussion when you are not around and it's very hurtful. So be very weary of those kind of people. Be very weary.

Speaker 1: 35:21

The sixth type of friend that is not your friend is the boy crazy friend. And Lord, please help me, because I have experienced quite a few of these, but these are the kind of people who, at the expense of you, will do anything to get what they want, and it may be rooted in boy crazy. Well, it's really rooted in selfishness. That's for starters. But it starts with Boy Crazy and then it ends up just spreading like a wildfire into a lot of different scenarios in your friendship and you will develop a very low tolerance for this type of person, and maybe you may not, but I know from my experience.

Speaker 1: 36:03

This is what happened to me. I had a friend who I thought extremely highly of, who was very loving and supportive in every other aspect of our friendship, but when it came to this one specific scenario where a man was present that showed interest in the both of us, she was willing to choose exploring that situation in spite of my feelings, and that was very hurtful and it was very damaging to our friendship. We are no longer friends at this point because at no point did she really consider my feelings in that situation, at no point did she feel apologetic truly about what it is that she was doing, because in multiple instances and on multiple occasions she showed and spoke into existence how she felt about the situations, the things that she wanted to do in the situation, and it was honestly quite baffling for me because, as someone who has always been an amazing friend to her, who has shown up in a multitude of different ways and always guarded her heart in situations where something could have been harmful to her, I was willing to protect her. But when it came to me, those same provisions were not made, and so at no point should you feel like your friend is choosing to be free, to be fun, to do their thing at your expense, because if that's what it costs, I don't want to be your friend. No friendship should cost embarrassment, hurt, shame, tears, any of that. No friendship should cost that. It shouldn't cost a thing. Actually, it should be worth so much value that it accrues your wealth that you feel so fool after every interaction that, without even receiving a gift, in that scenario you feel like, wow, I left so much better off. You get what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 38:14

And I felt like in that scenario I was being robbed of my worth. I was being robbed of my confidence in so many different things, because I was questioning what won my ability to pick my friends, because I thought the friend that I had was someone who who looked at the world as her oyster and that there were a multitude of options at her feet and she could have whatever she wanted. And to think that this is something that you would want a man who has blatantly shown interest in two people he knows are extremely close and has gone about it in such a malicious manner is quite mind boggling to me, because I know that there are more options out there that would not have done that. But I digress. But someone that is boy crazy and that lacks the ability to rationalize their actions in accordance to friendship and in accordance to loyalty, love and kindness, is not able to understand with a really good, robust perspective how their actions can affect the other party. And, like I said again, it may root in the boy area and spread like a wildfire into everything else. And when I look back at our friendship and a lot of other instances, I felt like it was really one sided and I never really realized that I was just kind of like someone that fit into her world and I was doing what worked for her. And I'm glad that I was set free from that dynamic, because that's not friendship.

Speaker 1: 39:52

That's not friendship by any means. Friendship doesn't cost a thing, like I said, and it for darn sure isn't going to cost you questioning your worth, your value or what you mean to someone. You know what I mean. Like it's not going to have you questioning if it was ever really real, because real friends would never put you in a situation like that and cause you embarrassment. Or like, when you're around, guys be making you the brunt of a joke or you know, like doing really weird things to you so that they can be picked. Like that just isn't on anyone's mind. That is genuinely your friend.

Speaker 1: 40:34

And last but not least, we have the possessive friend. The possessive friend is someone that is borderline, manipulative and controlling, because they want you to fit the box that they've put you in and it's very self-serving and it's very much so. You're my friend, so you can be no one else's, and friendship is freedom. Friendship is the ability to allow each person to grow and manifest into the person that they are called to be. You don't hold people with a vice grip in order to serve the needs that you have. You allow them to roam freely and experience things, different people, different spaces, with or without you, because you love them enough to become whatever it is that they might be, and even if that is something that may outgrow you or even if that is something that may grow to not be able to tolerate you, you still allow them to grow as a person, and I feel as though a possessive friend is someone who holds you captive to who they need you to be right in this moment. You've always been this way, so you can't grow, you can't learn these new things, you can't make these new friends, because I need you to be able to tolerate what I've got going on right now and forever, and it's just like that's so manipulative. It's so manipulative and I'm dealt with quite a few people who are possessive, because I am the type of person I think for a lot of people that is like a trophy friend.

Speaker 1: 42:20

People view the follow-work amount that I have, the fact that I have a business and the fact that I have this podcast as very likable things and I love that. I love that a lot. But it has put me in very dangerous situations where people like to hold me captive and restrained in really, really possessive relationships because they want me to serve as that trophy thing that they're able to tout whenever they go into different spaces. I need to show up with them. I need to go places with them, I need to come with them and I need to leave with them. I need to show up this way and I need to do this and I need to do that. And I need you to show up here because I was talking to all these people about you and saying that I know you and it's like it's very, very uncomfortable to navigate these types of things, because I don't you don't ever want to come off as though like your friend is not enough. But to view one person as your everything is very dangerous and I don't ever want to be someone's everything. I want you to have other friends that you're able to do things with. I want you to have other friends that you can be vulnerable with. I have one friend that I consider my anchor friend and I doubt that we experience friendship with other people the same way, because we are truly anchors for one another.

Speaker 1: 43:50

So in that aspect, okay, yes, I have to make myself available in many instances, but for other people, when you expect me to be available around the clock and talking to you on the phone and texting you and just showing up, and you have such high expectations of me. When you know the stakes are very low. It's very confusing and a lot of times people can conflate the role in which you're supposed to play in their life that you didn't sign up for. And it's absolutely okay to set boundaries and say, hey, like I love you a lot, I do, and I want to lower the expectations and the guidelines for this friendship. Like you're expecting a lot out of me right now and you're kind of being low-key, possessive and like I don't know how to navigate this. Because I love you, I respect you, I want to hang out with you, but I also have other friendships that I value and respect just as much, and that requires commitment. I have to show up for that.

Speaker 1: 44:53

You are not the only person that I call my friend and it's like it's very selfish and self-centered and when you have a self-centered person a part of a relationship, it's really hard to get out of revolving your life around, because it's like you want to hang with them, you want to do these things, you want to do that, but it's like when you start to see that your world is revolving around their axis, you're like, okay, I need to take my life back, like, babe, the world does not revolve around you. It also doesn't revolve around me. So how do we find a healthy balance where we're both sustained and happy and it's a good ebb and flow, where we're maintaining the integrity of the friendship and like we have a healthy cadence, where we're hanging out and investing in one another and I'm also hanging out and investing in the other things in my life because they're just as important and just as valuable to me. And I need people as big grown adults to realize that just because we don't talk all the time, just because we don't hang all the time, doesn't mean that I'm not invested in. You have birthdays, just as all of my other friends have birthdays. You have problems, just as all of my other friends have problems. Like I have to choose to show up in those things in healthy manners that respect my own boundaries, that respect my own commitments and whatever else, and I show up in the ways in which I can, but I show up for pretty much all of my friends to the best of my ability and when I can't, I communicate that and I figure out ways in which I can show up in a different way, and that's all that friendship is about. It's about communication, respect, kindness and caring through and through, and when someone truly cares for you, they will set you free.

Speaker 1: 46:41

So I really do hope you guys enjoyed today's episode on that Is Not your Friend. This was a juicy one Jam, packed with a total of seven different women that I believe are not your friend. If you have any takes on different other types of women that we believe are not our friend, make sure to comment on the latest upload on that Girl Radio, because I would love to unpack this more with you guys. If you're not already following the podcast on Instagram, make sure to do so. It is the podcast name at that Girl Radio. If you're not following your host here, ricky Lee, you can find me on TikTok at the Ricky Lee posting segments on how you can live and design your dream life. You can also find me on YouTube at RickyBTV, uploading episodes on how to live and build your dream life, and you can also find me on Instagram at RickyBeeco. I love you guys and I will catch you next time.