SOUND: opening theme music
EXT. CASTLE
SOUND: vivicord uncovered
YEMILINA
(laughter)
SIR JP
I had that vivicord covered for a reason, Time Meddler! It shouldn't be recording while the princess is recovering.
SOUND: vivicord covered
SOUND: vivicord uncovered
YEMILINA
(laughter)
NAZZY
I need a fourth instalment for the cave people. Yemilina is most entertaining just now.
SIR JP
She should have the chance to recover her dignity.
YEMILINA
(singing)
What dignity?
Lignity...
Fignity...
Why 'D' an ignity?
NAZZY
What happened to her anyway?
SIR JP
She was saturated with sap-venom. It appears that the bugs are responsible for cursing the kingdom.
NAZZY
How revolting! You'd think with all the magic we throw at dragons, we wouldn't let insects get to us.
SIR JP
They lower people's defences when they inject.
YEMILINA
(giggly and singing)
Long, drippy stingers...
SIR JP
I don't know bugs like I know dragons. We need help.
SOUND: footsteps on castle steps
NAZZY
You're not bringing her to her mother like this?
SIR JP
The Queen must be informed.
NAZZY
But she's going to be furious with you for letting–
SIR JP
You've lost the Princess for 31 years. Stay by my side and the Queen will see the bug bites pale in comparison.
SOUND: heavy knocker knocked three times
ENCHANTED KNOCKER
Who are you? What do you want?
SIR JP
Enchanted Knocker, you already know us. We bring the princess in a state of venom-induced hysteria.
ENCHANTED KNOCKER
You may enter the castle.
SOUND: Castle doors opening.
YEMILINA
(laughter and singing)
INT. CASTLE
SOUND: hurried footsteps
QUEEN AUGUSTA
What's happened?
SIR JP
We stumbled upon the true nature of The Sappiness Curse, Your Majesty. It spreads by a species of insects in the Enchanted Forest.
YEMILINA
(singing)
Enchanted
Why call it?
Everything is magic...
It's like saying 'Monday' to call it enchanted...
QUEEN AUGUSTA
What species? What have they done to my daughter?
NAZZY
We've seen it wear off before, Your Majesty. I imagine it will just take a bit longer this time.
YEMILINA
(laughter)
QUEEN AUGUSTA
She's hysterical!
SIR JP
I failed to protect her from the swarm. I have no prior knowledge of these sap bugs; therefore, I am ill-equipped to defeat them. Perhaps if Your Majesty has a royal bug expert on hand...?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
No, not here in the castle. What about Sir Galloway, the retired Knight? Didn't he devote himself to the study of insects after he lost his arm?
SIR JP
The rest of him was eaten by a dragon three weeks ago, Your Majesty.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Pity. Well, then, you must find the Spinster, Prissy Gewbung. She collects insects in jars and obsesses over them; hasn't spun yarn of decent quality in months.
SIR JP
She hasn't done anything in months, Your Majesty. Gewbung was eaten last spring.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Really? I have been a bit preoccupied. I must have missed it. I suppose that leaves the Chandler who adds magical ingredients to his awful tallow candles just to attract insects for his academic amusement. What's his name?
SIR JP
The Chandler of whom you speak was eaten by a dragon several weeks before–
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Some dragon slayer you are! You've let the kingdom's entire supply of bug experts disappear into useless heaps of dragon dung!
SIR JP
My humble apologies. Had I known what great value their expertise would be today, I would have given their rescue higher priority.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Nazzy!
NAZZY
Your Majesty?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
You will travel back until you have found me a bug expert who is not yet dead. Bring that expert here now.
SIR JP
Your Majesty, the time meddler has never successfully moved another person to the time at which she aims. She can only move herself with accuracy.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
She shan't be risking anyone with much to look forward to. Off with you, Nazzy! And don't show your face here until you have my expert in tow.
NAZZY
(nervous)
Can't I interview a dead expert and bring you the notes, uh, I mean if it...if it pleases Your Majesty?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
It does not. I must question my subject myself. Go!
SOUND: Time Travel
YEMILINA
(giggly and singing)
Long, drippy stingers...
SOUND: Time Travel
YEMILINA
(giggling wears off with a few sighs)
NAZZY
Here, Your Majesty. This is Wenoburt.
WENOBURT
Hello, Queen.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
What have you done, Nazzy? This is a little boy!
NAZZY
He's a bug expert when he grows up. It was easier to move him through time at this age. I tried moving a twenty-three-year-old version of him and he got stuck somewhere. But here he is all in one piece, just a bit younger.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
A bit younger? This child won't know–
WENOBURT
I know everything. In dinosaur time, bugs were even bigger than now. Dragonflies are the sizes of houses.
YEMILINA
(singing)
Wenoburt the bug expert
Fingernails full of dirt...
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(strained patience)
Sir JP, what have you observed about these mysterious “Sap Bugs”?
WENOBURT
Caterpillars have a lot of legs, nearly as much as you might think a centipede has. So caterpillars have about eight legs on each side of their body, which makes–
SIR JP
What I observed–
WENOBURT
–sixteen legs, because that's how many. That's how many legs a caterpillar has. Centipedes have more legs. And then there's ordinary centipedes that have about two thousand legs–
SIR JP
What I–
WENOBURT
–and then there's the super rare centipedes with over one hundred thousand and nine hundred legs!
SIR JP
What I observed in the hive was typically any creatures defending their home. What eludes me is why they would spread throughout the kingdom and bite individuals who are doing no harm to them. It seems targeted.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
You consider them an invading army?
WENOBURT
Fire ants are just ordinary ants except they're a little bit red. But if you pick them up they will sting you just like right now. Ordinary ant stings do not hurt. But fire ants' stings hurt like your finger is on fire!
SIR JP
I hope they aren't formidable enough to call an 'army,' Your Majesty. The sorceress Teloopa lives near their hive, but she was not bitten until she left her frogs and followed us through the woods. Her frogs were eating the bugs fast enough to deter them.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Do you believe the sorceress capable of producing enough frogs to wipe out this entire species of insect? How are her conjuring powers?
SIR JP
I suspect weaker than she'd care to admit. She's ambitious, but inexperienced.
WENOBURT
Did you know that when frogs eat bugs they do it by slurping their very long tongues out and grabbing the bugs, and then slurping their tongues back in.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
If you have any other ideas, Sir JP, please–
WENOBURT
Why do you keep talking to the big knight instead of me?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
It is not your fault, Wenoburt. You have told us, um...quite a lot...about bugs in general. What can we give you as a token of our gratitude?
WENOBURT
A transformation potion.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
(distracted)
Very well, child. I'll have a bottle made for you. Now carry on with your investigation, Sir JP.
SOUND: footsteps on castle floor
NAZZY
You're not leaving, Your Majesty?
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Urgent business.
YEMILINA
(singing)
What could be more urgent
Than my uncontrollable singing?
Why have you more To Dos than purging
Our land of sap bugs?
What are you hiding, mother?
Under tapestries or rugs?
I don't mean to be a bother.
I know it must be lovely
I was just wondering...
SIR JP
Your Majesty, allow me to insert some concern into your daughter's sappy-addled question. If there is something else troubling you, perhaps I can be of assistance.
QUEEN AUGUSTA
Your duty is clearly to the veins of the Wilzerlott people, Sir JP. Do whatever it takes to protect them and report back. I can handle my own affairs.
SOUND: retreating footsteps on castle floor
SOUND: door closing
SOUND: child footsteps
SOUND: child flopping down on the floor
SIR JP
Wenoburt, come away from that mouse hole. They spread disease.
WENOBURT
It is not a mouse, you know. It's little people.
SIR JP
Nonsense! Fairies can't stand dust.
NAZZY
There are no dusty mouse holes in the castle, Sir JP. They're all spotless.
WENOBURT
They're not fairies. I need you to come and look, okay?
SIR JP
No. You are naturally low to the ground. I do not wish to fold my significant bulk and heavy armour down to your level.
WENOBURT
Look, look, look in the hole! In the hole! In the hole! In the hole! In the hole!
TINY PEOPLE
(evil, squeaky laughter)
NAZZY
I'll move the vivicord closer. The tiny people are saying something.
SOUND: vivicord
TINY PEOPLE
(evil, squeaky laughter)
SIR JP
(sigh)
SOUND: armoured knees hitting stone
TINY PEOPLE
(Evil, squeaky laughter)
SIR JP
Damn it all. Those are not fairies. And they've got one of those sap bugs
WENOBURT
It is their pet.
SIR JP
Or their slave.
NAZZY
That's a bit of a leap, isn't it?
SIR JP
I've never known an insect to be sentient. You couldn't produce a bug expert to prove me wrong.
WENOBURT
I'm a bug expert and I say they are cute.
NAZZY
They could be cute and enslaved by a race of evil tiny people, Wenoburt.
WENOBURT
But only dragons are evil.
SIR JP
That is short-sighted of you. It is safest to assume evil intention of all things you encounter until they prove themselves worthy of your trust. Remember that.
WENOBURT
I don't want to. I want to play with the tiny people and their little pet.
YEMILINA
(singing)
Hello, little people with your little buggy pet
None of you are doing us any harm, I'll bet
Ooo, if that just stung me
I only felt a wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
NAZZY
Do you think Yemilina will fully recover this time? She hasn't even been able to stop singing.
YEMILINA
(singing)
I'm not rhyming...
I must be improving...!
SOUND: stone blocks moving
NAZZY
Wenoburt, what are you doing with those stones and cinders?
WENOBURT
I'm building a house for the tiny people.
NAZZY
Well, there's an idea. Why don't we set up a miniature city for them in the courtyard? If they are attacking us, it might change their minds.
SIR JP
Enough! We must squish the invaders.
WENOBURT
You should not squish any living thing.
SIR JP
Time Meddler, take this chatty pacifist home.
NAZZY
Oh, I think he'd better stay here until I can get some practice in on his older self.
SIR JP
I thought you said moving him through time was easier at this age.
NAZZY
Easier, but not guaranteed. He's so sweet. I really don't want to mess him up. Twenty-three-year-old Wenoburt doesn't have much longer before he's eaten by a dragon, so I could practice moving him without risking much of his life. This Wenoburt has years to live, so I...I just...
YEMILINA
(singing)
Will you practice on me at the end of my life, Nazzy?
When do I get eaten by a dragon?
WENOBURT
I get eaten?!
SOUND: stone blocks falling
NAZZY
See you all later!
SOUND: Time Travel
YEMILINA
(singing)
Farewell, cave people of the future.
Thank you for listening.
If we are not digested by dragons,
You shall soon hear more.
Wish us luck!
SOUND: closing theme music
