SOUND: opening theme music
INT. CASTLE
SOUND: Castle doors opening
SOUND: Pegasus wings flapping
SOUND: Pegasus whinny
ENELCIA
I've brought the sorceress Teloopa, as requested. She brought a batch of her new brilliant potion – seventy-five percent frog guts.
SOUND: thick potion squishing
SOUND: foot taps on floor
SIR JP
I didn't ask for frog guts.
TELOOPA
You're lucky I came at all. I'm usually far too busy to jump onto the back of a Pegasus at the whim of an elf astride it. You caught me between potions.
SIR JP
Did the elf not make the vital importance of this mission clear?
ENELCIA
Oh yes, I did. I told her tiny people called EEK use their bug pets to soften up our self-protection instincts, until we're so soft and delicious that every last one of us is gone in eight months from now. It's important we stop the EEK here, so we can change the future.
SIR JP
Vitally important.
ENELCIA
Well, now you have your sorceress, you must excuse me.
SOUND: saddle movement
ENELCIA
My daughter's carrot transformation will be wearing off soon, and obviously I don't like her unattended when she's meat.
SOUND: Pegasus wings flapping
ENELCIA
(growing distant)
Good luck preventing our extinction! I'm rooting for you!
SOUND: Pegasus wings flapping
TELOOPA
I, too, feel sympathy for your cause, though it's not strictly speaking necessary. I've just completed a successful batch of tree sauce which is bound to redirect dragons' appetites to trees. Even if our sappy brains do try to get eaten, the dragons will ignore us once I've coated every tree in the forest with their new addiction.
SIR JP
I can't leave the fate of the kingdom to your silly flights of fancy that your magic--
TELOOPA
What a nerve! I know you think better of me; you could have asked any sorcerer to come.
SIR JP
I can't afford a real sorceress.
TELOOPA
(indignant noises)
SOUND: foot taps on floor
WENOBURT
Don't go, witch lady. I want to play with your frog guts.
SOUND: thick potion squishing
TELOOPA
What is this random child doing here?
SIR JP
The Time Meddler got lazy.
SOUND: running footsteps on floor
YEMILINA
Nazzy and I have searched the castle thoroughly with these X-ray vision tiaras.
SOUND: x-ray vision magic
NAZZY
The EEK are inside every single wall. There are thousands of them.
SIR JP
How long will they stay inside these walls? Are they conditioning sap bugs while they hide? Will more targeted attacks start here in the castle?
NAZZY
I'll go check.
SOUND: Time Travel (leaving)
WENOBURT
Let me try that X-ray hat!
YEMILINA
No, Wenoburt! It's only for grownups who look pretty in tiaras.
WENOBURT
Please?
SOUND: x-ray vision magic
SOUND: grab
WENOBURT
I want to look at your intestines.
YEMILINA
No!
SOUND: grab
SOUND: Time Travel (returning)
NAZZY
The EEK will come out of hiding tomorrow and summon an enormous swarm of sap bugs. In less than an hour, the bugs will render every living soul in this castle helpless with laughter. Only the Ghost of King David will remain sensible.
SIR JP
What about me? Aren't I there, defending the Queen and the Princess? Aren't I still immune to the sap bugs tomorrow?
NAZZY
I didn't see you. Just a minute. I'll look again.
SOUND: Time Travel (leaving)
YEMILINA
Every living soul in the castle? So many so fast? Our royal army will be neutralized and the EEK will spread to the far corners of Wilzerlott – unopposed! This is the turning point in our path to extinction!
SIR JP
Don't panic.
SOUND: Time Travel (returning)
NAZZY
I rewound a bit. You, Sir JP, get locked up in the castle dungeon before the sap bugs attack.
SIR JP
Impossible! The EEK are too small to capture me.
NAZZY
It took approximately ten thousand of their tiny hands and a few drops of acid in your eyes, but they did it.
SIR JP
Ah, no. No, no, no. That is an intolerable outcome.
YEMILINA
Oh, are you offended? How dare you! I should like to be so much of a threat that the enemy would devote such efforts to locking me up. But, no! I am to be subdued in a flurry of bug bites and forgotten as giggling dragon food. I can't stand it! I want to blow up the EEK. Teloopa, do you have experience in explosive spells?
TELOOPA
I've dabbled.
YEMILINA
Blow the EEK out of my castle. Do it now!
SIR JP
Inadvisable, Princess. Time Meddler, how does the rest of Wilzerlott attempt to defend itself once the castle is lost?
NAZZY
It doesn't go well.
SIR JP
I want ideas, so we'll know what not to do.
NAZZY
I'll do some interviewing.
SOUND: Time Travel (leaving) interrupted
SOUND: grab
YEMILINA
Oh, stop it, Nazzy! Don't interview future victims. Just hyperventilate here with us. It's more companionable.
NAZZY
It can't hurt to gather a little more information, Princess.
YEMILINA
Yes, it can! It's hurting me. I want to end this now and feel better.
SIR JP
The EEK would see an explosion as a declaration of war. Now that we know they might wipe us out, we must proceed with caution.
YEMILINA
If they are all inside the walls of the castle right now and can be destroyed all at once, angering them won't matter.
SIR JP
We don't know if they're all here, and it will matter if we fail.
SOUND: foot stomp
YEMILINA
Blow them up, Teloopa!
TELOOPA
Should I?
SIR JP
No!
YEMILINA
In my mother's absence, I am Queen! I command you to blow up the EEK invaders!
TELOOPA
Is she really, Sir JP? I thought she could only be Queen if her mother was in a deep, enchanted sleep?
SIR JP
Princess, you need to take more time to consider this. We have eight months to plan our counterattack.
YEMILINA
No, we don't. The EEK spread from here tomorrow and once they leave these walls, they're unstoppable. Isn't that right, Nazzy?
NAZZY
That's not exactly what I said.
YEMILINA
Yes, you did! You said it's inevitable after today! We're all doomed and I haven't even made any babies yet!
SIR JP
You, child, act like a baby so the princess can adopt you and calm down.
WENOBURT
Calm down, crazy princess mommy.
YEMILINA
(sobbing noise)
WENOBURT
It didn't work.
NAZZY
Maybe I'll go find Queen Augusta.
SOUND: footsteps
SIR JP
Hurry up!
YEMILINA
Stay where you are, Nazzy!
NAZZY
But--
YEMILINA
Teloopa, you know how aggravating it is to have everyone turn to your mother instead of you. Do as I say! Blow them up!
TELOOPA
Okay!
SOUND: magic staff
SOUND: whirling and sparking magic
TELOOPA
I'm just mixing it up in the air like a potion. It's almost ready.
SOUND: ghost appearing
YEMILINA
Father, you've reappeared! What's the occasion?
KING DAVID
That great cloud of magical energy throwing sparks over that young woman's head. I fear it will break the protective enchantments which keep dragons out of this castle.
YEMILINA
The Sorceress Teloopa is taking out a more sinister enemy than dragons, father. We'll be celebrating in a minute.
KING DAVID
What spell are you casting?
TELOOPA
It's my own original spell. I'm inventing it on the spot. It can't possibly go wrong.
SOUND: whirling and sparking magic
KING DAVID
I must evacuate the castle.
SOUND: ghost flying
KING DAVID
(distant)
Out, out, everyone! There is experimental magic brewing in the walls. Round and round and round it brews, how it blows, nobody knows...
SOUND: whirling and sparking magic
SOUND: ghost flying
YEMILINA
Don't warn the EEK, father! Don't fly through those walls! They might hear you!
SOUND: stampede of running footsteps
SOUND: ghost flying
KING DAVID
Out! Out! Out!
SIR JP
We must leave, too, Princess.
YEMILINA
That would show a lack of faith in Teloopa's spell.
SIR JP
I choose disrespect over being blown up.
SOUND: whirling and sparking magic
SOUND: stampede of running footsteps
KING DAVID
Out! Out! Out!
WENOBURT
I don't want to blow up.
YEMILINA
She's only going to cause tiny explosions on the insides of the walls. It won't even affect us.
SOUND: sparking magic getting louder
NAZZY
Look out!
SOUND: big magical explosion
SOUND: castle walls crumbling
SOUND: running crowd
SOUND: screaming crowd
EXT. CASTLE
SOUND: castle walls crumbling
NAZZY
(gasp)
The castle ruins! This is how the castle looks eight months from now, but I didn't realize it would blow up this soon. Oh, I think tomorrow looks different now.
YEMILINA
But the EEK have been destroyed, haven't they?
EEK
(evil, squeaky laughter)
NAZZY
Ahh! No. No, they have not. They appear to be advancing on us.
EEK
(evil, squeaky laughter)
TELOOPA
Princess, I get the feeling you didn't get the result you were hoping for there – your castle is in ruins with the invaders...unscathed. Your disappointment is making me uncomfortable, so I'm just gonna go...
YEMILINA
Where are you going?
TELOOPA
I'm going to go coat the trees in the sauce I made. I think I should play to my strength.
SOUND: running footsteps
SOUND: dragon wings flapping
SOUND: dragon roars / flames
SOUND: screaming crowd
SIR JP
King David spoke wisely.
SOUND: sword unsheathed
SIR JP
The castle's protections are down and the dragons are upon us.
TELOOPA
I'll get started on their salad dressing! Keep them away from me!
SOUND: thick potion squishing
SOUND: running footsteps
SOUND: armor clanking
SOUND: sword swipes
SOUND: woman screaming
SOUND: dragon roaring
SOUND: sword stabbing
SIR JP
Take cover! Hide in the castle ruins. Find the deepest holes you can!
SOUND: dragon wings flapping
SOUND: dragon footfalls
SOUND: screaming crowd
SOUND: armor clanking
SOUND: sword swipes
SOUND: sword slicing dragons
SOUND: dragon roars / flames
SOUND: sap bug swarm
YEMILINA
The swarm! No! No, no, no, no, no, no...
SOUND: running and panting
SOUND: multiple sap bug bites
SOUND: laughing crowd
YEMILINA
(singing)
Ohhhh...no, no, no, no, no
I don't need to be a mommy
Wenoburt looks like so much work,
I'd rather be in a dragon's tummy...
SOUND: armor clanking
SIR JP
Princess!
SOUND: bodies colliding
SOUND: bodies rolling
SOUND: dirt moving
YEMILINA
Why are we rolling around in a hole? What are you doing?
SIR JP
You're still able to speak! Do you remember that we're being attacked by dragons and sap bugs? Do you remember that it's bad?
SOUND: laughing crowd
SOUND: sap bugs buzzing
YEMILINA
I remember.
(struggling not to sing:)
It w-w-was just
(sung:) one...
bite, I think.
SIR JP
Good. Stay here. Try not to sing.
YEMILINA
No singing.
SOUND: running footsteps
SOUND: armour clanking
SOUND: sword swipes
SOUND: sword slicing dragons
SOUND: dragon roars / flames
YEMILINA
There he goes. Slashing away at dragons with his mighty sword. He's really in his element now. Is it my sap injection that's making him look so...oh, I don't want to say. It's making me tingly and warm, so I'm sure I mustn't trust it. I know, I'll distract myself by talking to you, fair cave people. How are you? I feel like I should listen to you more. I get very self-absorbed sometimes. Princess thing.
SOUND: dragon chomping flesh and crunching bones
YEMILINA
(shouting)
Can you still hear me, cave people? There's a squire being chomped into bite-sized pieces quite close to me. The dragon is being rather noisy about it. Anyway, about listening to you. Nazzy has set up something you call...uh...email...in your present. So if you have any questions or comments about Wilzerlott, you can now email wilzerlott@gmail.com
SOUND: dragon wings hovering
SOUND: dragons licking and slurping sauce off trees
YEMILINA
Oh, good news! The dragons are lapping up the sauce Teloopa put on those trees. They're not actually biting the trees, so hopes of their turning vegetarian might be a bit premature. But it's a start, don't you think?
SOUND: dragon wings hovering
SOUND: dragons licking and slurping sauce off trees
SOUND: vivicord running
YEMILINA
Oops! The vivicord wants the tree sauce, too. I'd better finish the instalment while he's still recording. Don't worry, fair listeners, dragons don't eat vivicords.
SOUND: armor clanking
SOUND: sword swipes
SIR JP
Don't go running after that damn recording creature! The dragons will still eat you!
SOUND: dragon roar
SOUND: horse whinny
SOUND: saddle movement
YEMILINA
(shouting)
Farewell, cave people of the future. Thank you for listening.
If we are not slurped up by dragons, you shall soon hear more.
SOUND: horse galloping
SOUND: princess scooped onto horse
SOUND: horse galloping
YEMILINA
(distant shout)
Wish us luck!
SOUND: horse galloping
SOUND: dragon roar
SOUND: sword swipes
SOUND: closing theme music